How we end up marrying the wrong peopleHow do the errors happen?
One: We don’t understand ourselves
Two: We don’t understand other people
Three: We aren’t used to being happy
Four: Being single is so awful
Five: Instinct has too much prestige
Six: We don’t go to Schools of Love
Seven: We want to freeze happiness
Eight: We believe we are special
Nine: We want to stop thinking about Love
The level of knowledge we need for a marriage to work is higher than our society is prepared to countenance, recognise and accommodate for – and therefore our social practices around getting married are deeply wrong. [...]
Presently, we marry without any information. We almost never read books specifically on the subject, we never spend more than a short time with children, we don’t rigorously interrogate other married couples or speak with any sincerity to divorced ones. We go into it without any insightful reasons as to why marriages fail – beyond what we presume to be the idiocy or lack of imagination of their protagonists.
*Recipe For A Happy Marriage: The 7 Scientific Secrets
*The Science Of “Happily Ever After”: 3 Things That Keep Love Alive
*What are the four things that kill relationships?
(summary of John Gottman's "Four Horsemen")
The Gottman Relationship Blog:
*The Four Horsemen: Introduction
- "The following questionnaire assesses the presence of the Four Horsemen (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling) in your relationship."
*The Four Horsemen: Recognizing Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling
*The Four Horsemen: The Antidotes
- "Even the most successful relationships have conflict. Our research has shown that it's not the appearance of conflict, but rather how it's managed that predicts the success or failure of a relationship. We say “manage” conflict rather than “resolve," because relationship conflict is natural and has functional, positive aspects."
Magda Pecsenye (of AskMoxie)
: Four True Things About Marriage, Divorce and Families
1. There is no such thing as a "normal" marriage
2. The emotional health of the children and parents can't be separated from each other
3. The choice is not between a happy marriage and a broken home
4. The long-term effects of coming from a divorced family may not be negative relative to coming from an "intact" family that doesn't function well
Wall Street Journal: Want great marriage advice? Ask a divorced person
"Research shows that most divorced people identify the same top five regrets — behaviors they believe contributed to their marriage's demise and that they resolve to change next time."
previously on MeFi: How to Pick a Life Partner from Wait But Why