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and with a cat like that you know you should be cats
August 19, 2014 2:45 PM   Subscribe

The world is a dark and a terrible place. Horrible, morally insane things are happening. Let us resist them as best we are able, and in the meantime replace various nouns in the lyrics of well-known pop songs with the word “cats,” that we might whistle against the coming of the night together a while longer.
Song Lyrics Improved By Replacing Proper Nouns With Cats: Part 1. Part 2. By Mallory Ortberg. DLTT.
posted by medusa (52 comments total) 11 users marked this as a favorite

 
Say cats up side your head, say cats up side your head.
posted by fiercecupcake at 2:59 PM on August 19 [2 favorites]


My mom and her sisters made up a song about cat food to the tune "I Believe in Music" when they were on a loooooooong car trip.

I could just sit around making cat food all day long
As long as I'm making cat food
I know I can't do no cat no wrong.
posted by chainsofreedom at 3:01 PM on August 19 [1 favorite]


My cat is black, my cat is blue
and I'll be goddamned if the cat ain't too.
posted by 2bucksplus at 3:03 PM on August 19 [1 favorite]


Private cats are watching mew. They see your ev-ry meow.
posted by fiercecupcake at 3:03 PM on August 19 [1 favorite]


We do this around my house all the time. Although not always always nouns.

For instance, the Pogues' "Transmetropolitan" becomes much funnier and more cheerful when it goes

"At the time I was working for a kitten/
And he was the meanest bastard that you have ever seen/
To lose a single kipper would grieve him awful sore/
And then he'd get all pouty and just lie there on the floor....

My cats and I are drunk and looking for you
We'll eat your frigging kibble and we won't give a damn
My father was a bluetip, my mother a chartreaux
And my brother earned his medals for best kitten at the show"

And PJ Harvey's incredibly distressing "All And Everyone" goes from being a terrifying song about a pointless WWI battle to being a cute little song about playful cats:

"Kittens playing in the copses
Hiding in some cardboard boxes!!"
posted by Frowner at 3:04 PM on August 19 [9 favorites]


This reminds me a lot of the practice of replacing "love" with "lunch" in song lyrics, as in "All You Need is Lunch", "Lunch is a Many-Splendoured Thing", "Hot Lunch", "Tainted Lunch", etc.
posted by baf at 3:08 PM on August 19 [4 favorites]


Basically, all songs are improved by replacing various nouns with cats.
posted by entropicamericana at 3:09 PM on August 19 [1 favorite]


Cats! They don't love you like I love you
Cats! They don't love you like I love you
Ca-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ts
Cats...they don't love you like I love you!
posted by Iridic at 3:10 PM on August 19 [12 favorites]


only The Toast is funny enough to make up for the sadness of not being hired by The Toast
posted by NoraReed at 3:11 PM on August 19 [1 favorite]


Back when I had a houserabbit, I discovered Macbeth works wonderfully with the bunny substitution:

Out, out brief bunny,
Life is but a walking bunny
A poor bunny that struts and frets his hour upon the stage
Then is bunny no more.

It is a tale told by a bunny
Full of sound and bunnies
Signifying bunny.


All of Shakespeare works, really.
posted by mochapickle at 3:13 PM on August 19


I love Mallory Ortberg and The Toast with all my heart, but those aren't proper nouns; they're common nouns. Thus this silly goof is ashes in my mouth.
posted by psoas at 3:14 PM on August 19 [3 favorites]


Her name is Cleo and she scratches on the sand
Wishing that her litter box was as big as the Rio Grande
And when she poops she really shows you all she can
Oh Cleo, Cleo, scratch upon your smelly sand
posted by Orange Dinosaur Slide at 3:15 PM on August 19 [7 favorites]


With apologies to They Might Be Giants:

You're fuzzier than you've ever been
And now you're even fuzzier
And now you're even fuzzier
You're fuzzier than you've ever been and now you're even fuzzier
And now you're fuzzier still.
posted by mogget at 3:15 PM on August 19 [1 favorite]


A poor bunny that struts and frets his hour upon the stage

Aw, poor bunny! Someone should comfort him with rhubarb and cuddling.
posted by Iridic at 3:17 PM on August 19 [2 favorites]


Hmm, baf, you reminded me that I probably should have linked to this as a previously: Replace heart with butt.
posted by medusa at 3:17 PM on August 19 [2 favorites]


Aw, poor bunny! Someone should comfort him with rhubarb and cuddling.

You mean "Alas, poor bunny!" I knew him, Iridic; a fellow of infinite fuzzy, of most excellent ears.
posted by jeather at 3:19 PM on August 19 [5 favorites]


Aww, eponadorable, mogget.

I offer no apologies to the Shins, because they never apologized for moving to Portland:

We've got rules and cats and guns at our cats but we still can't just behave ourselves
Even if to save our own cats
posted by NoraReed at 3:20 PM on August 19


When they come for me I'll be sitting at my cat with a cat in my hand wearing a bullet-proof cat singing "mew mew mew, how the cat does fly when you know you're gonna die by the end of the night" (said mew)
posted by NoraReed at 3:24 PM on August 19 [1 favorite]


I sing this to my cat:
Oh Millie, you're a kitty, you don't understand
You take me by the paw when I take you by the hand.
Oh Millie, you're a kitty, you don't understand,
It's cats like you, Millie!
That make me so silly, so silly,
Don't break that glass, Millie!
posted by maryr at 3:25 PM on August 19 [7 favorites]


I have 2 Lorde songs

Royals (Kittens)

And we'll never be kittens (kittens)
It don't run in our blood,
That kind of luxe just ain't for us
We crave a different kind of fuzz
Let me be your kitten (kitten)
You can call me queen flea
And baby I'll meow, I'll meow, I'll meow, I'll meow
Let me pet that Siamese

AND

Tennis Court (Kitten Court)

Don't you think that it's boring how kittens meow
Making smart with their meows again, well I'm bored
Because I'm doing this for the thrill of it, killin' it
Never not chasing a million things I want
And I am only as young as the minute is full of it
Getting pumped up on the little bright balls of yarn
But I know they'll never own me
(MEOW)

Baby be the class cat
I'll be the kitten queen in tears
It's a new art form showing humans how little we care (MEOW)
We're so happy, even when we're meowing out of fear
Let's go down to the kitten court, and talk it up like meow (MEOW)

oh and I sang this song to my cat

I'm sorry Miss Kiska, OOOOOO
I am for real
Never meant to make your kitten meow
I am going to bed don't have a cow

I have been known to do Alice in Chains - Cat in a Box at karaoke

I WILL BE THE WEIRD AL OF CAT SONGS
posted by hotelechozulu at 3:26 PM on August 19 [3 favorites]


My most sung at home:

[Queen Flash Gordon Theme:] CATS!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAA-AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! Saviors of the universe!

[Mystery Science Theatre 3000:] Cats! Cats! Sing the praises of cats!

And my late cat Matilda used to get Richard Wagner by way of Elmer Fudd: "Oh Matilda, you're so wuvwy!" "Yes I know it, I can't help it."
posted by matildaben at 3:34 PM on August 19 [2 favorites]


"Single Ladies" has become "Hungry Kitties" at my place thanks to uncleozzy.

(We put our paws up!)
posted by rewil at 3:45 PM on August 19 [5 favorites]


I sung this rendition of Shriekback's "Nemesis" to my cats, Fergus and Hannibal, last week.

Fergs and Hannibals, they're furry animals
Everybody's happy as the cats come home
Big orange Ferguses, I love his purr-guses
No one twitch a whisker as the cats come home
posted by elsietheeel at 3:55 PM on August 19 [4 favorites]


Fuck the cat away
Fuck the cat away
&c
posted by cortex at 4:05 PM on August 19 [3 favorites]


I'm a kitty, you know what I mean, and I scratch my little paw in the catbox
In the catbox, in the catbox, yeah, I drop my little poop in the catbox
posted by pernoctalian at 4:55 PM on August 19 [6 favorites]


If you do this to "We Didn't Start The Fire", does it just end up going "Cats cats cats cats cats cats" forever?
posted by wanderingmind at 5:03 PM on August 19 [1 favorite]


To borrow from a college chum's Beastie Boys parody:

Cats
All we really need is cats
We just love the way they scrrrrRATCH
posted by delfin at 5:20 PM on August 19


Also, the Dead Kennedys were made for this.

And we got siamese, tabby cats, calicos
American shorthairs and Scottish folds
Moggies, coons and polydacts
Pretty funny pictures of your kits
WE'RE GONNA STEAL YOUR CATS
On a Friday night
We're gonna steal your cats
By the pale moonlight

I am Governor Grumpy Cat
My merch'll sell, my wallet's fat
Soon I will be President

Oh it's a holiday in Catbodia...

i'll get me coat
posted by delfin at 5:27 PM on August 19 [3 favorites]


Oh, Mickey, you're so fine
You're so fine you blow my cat

posted by Spathe Cadet at 5:28 PM on August 19 [3 favorites]


Fuck the cat away
Fuck the cat away
&c


Is this more or less inappropriate than:
♪ Fuck the pain away
Worry's for another day
Fuck the pain away
Down at Fraggle Rock ♪
posted by knuckle tattoos at 5:47 PM on August 19 [7 favorites]


I recommend making cat lyrics for commercial jingles and TV themes (easy mode: instrumentals or lyrics in foreign languages). Next time you watch Evangelion, try singing
"You are only a little tiny kittycat / You're not licensed to pilot giant robots!"
posted by knuckle tattoos at 5:54 PM on August 19 [1 favorite]


Fuck the cat away
Fuck the cat away


Cat the pain away, clearly.
posted by sweetkid at 6:06 PM on August 19




like I've been tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiied to the kitten post
tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiied to the kitten post
tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiied to the kitten post
oh lord I feel like I'm neutered
posted by delfin at 6:39 PM on August 19 [1 favorite]


We're no strangers to cats
You know the cats and so do I
posted by otherchaz at 6:59 PM on August 19 [1 favorite]


In high school my friends had a cover band. One night they did a whole slew of songs where they replaced the word "love" with "lunch."

Wanna whole lotta lunch! (eeeeooooooowww)
Wanna whole lotta lunch! (eeeeooooooowww)

Luuuunch, lunch will tear us apart again

Lunch stinks, yeah yeah

It works on almost any song with "love" in the lyrics.
posted by That's Numberwang! at 7:09 PM on August 19 [1 favorite]


Everybody in the house:
All eyes on us.
All rubs for us.
All fish for us.

We will purr
and play.
We're cute, no doubt.

We scratch
the door.
So let us out.

We sing meoooow-ee-meooow-ee-meow-ee-meow!
We sing meoooow-ee-meooow-ee-meow-ee-meow!
posted by droplet at 7:58 PM on August 19 [1 favorite]



"Single Ladies" has become "Hungry Kitties" at my place



You do the dance, yes? You must do the dance.


I have to remember some of my good cat songs. I used to serenade Norma (RIP) with her own version of Dragostea Din Tea that suffice it to say would make no sense in Romanian.

I also replace the unremembered lyrics of any song I happen to be singing with "meow meow meow."
posted by louche mustachio at 8:13 PM on August 19


What, I'm the first person in this thread to talk about how I've done this for my various dogs since I was a teenager?

As far as my dogs are concerned, Barbara Ann is just a song about a dog dog dog / dog dog who ran.
posted by deludingmyself at 8:21 PM on August 19 [2 favorites]


Oh, and that time Peter Dinklage sang the Game of Thrones intro using only his name? Clearly incorrect, because the lyrics to that song are all dooooooggg dogggggg dogdogdog DOG DOG DOOOOOGGGGG while flopping my dog's ears back and forth.
posted by deludingmyself at 8:24 PM on August 19 [4 favorites]


When a caaaat loves a woman
It's probably because its dish is empty
When it is full the cat could care less
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 11:15 PM on August 19 [2 favorites]


All we are is cats in the wind
posted by Kirth Gerson at 3:16 AM on August 20 [1 favorite]


Cat out of Hell
(Performed by Jackson Galaxy, of course)
posted by Kirth Gerson at 3:20 AM on August 20 [1 favorite]


Everybody wants to be a cat... err... the love cats... umm... Nashville cats....stray cat strut.... cat scratch fever....

I'm not doing this right, am I?
posted by Decani at 4:46 AM on August 20


Millions of kittens
Kittens for me
Millions of kittens
Kittens for free

LOOK OUT!
posted by ActionPopulated at 6:40 AM on August 20 [3 favorites]


In my cat room
With ripped curtains
At the shelter
Black roof country, no fresh litter, eaten starlings
Silver kittens ran down moonbeams in your dark eyes
Dawn light smiles on you purring, my contentment
posted by Kirth Gerson at 7:11 AM on August 20


I'm gonna knock you out.
Kitty says knock you out.
posted by Billiken at 7:14 AM on August 20 [1 favorite]


I have never felt so connected to Metafilter in all my life. One of the main things that attracted my partner and I was our . . propensity. . for song catification.

I see you runnin' round town with the cat I love...
Feed her some cat fooooood. Meow meow meow!

### Cat Love is my Drug ###

Maybe I need cat rehab
Or maybe just need some sleep.
I got a cat obsession.
I'm seein' them in my dreams.

I'm lookin' down every alley'
I'm making those kitty-cat calls
I'm staying up all night meowing
Rubbin' my head against the walls

What you got, cat, is hard to find.
I think and meow it all the time.
I'm all strung out, my heart is fried.
I just can't get cats off my mind . .

Because cat love, cat love, cat love, is meow drug. . .

###

I could go on. I really could. I needed this today. Thanks, Metafilter. I'm not alone! =)
posted by moshjosh at 6:42 PM on August 20 [1 favorite]


Psycho kitty
qu'est-ce que c'est?
paw paw paw paw, paw paw paw paw pawwww paw
posted by like_a_friend at 9:50 AM on August 21 [4 favorites]


(At our house it has always been "psycho-kitten, qu'est-ce que c'est/meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meooooww meow")
posted by Frowner at 10:08 AM on August 21 [1 favorite]


You're a kitty
You're a kitty
You're a kitty who's sitting all day!
You're a kitty!
And I think you'll always stay that way.

See the kitty cat in that mirror there:
Who can that attractive cat be?
Such a kitty face,
Such a kitty paw,
Such a kitty tail,
Such a kitty cat!

I hear mewing
And meowing,
Hear you running and pouncing all night,
But you're loved
'Cause you almost never bite!
posted by maryr at 6:03 PM on August 21


I'm talking to the cat in the mirror
I'm asking her to go away
No message could have been any clearer
If you want to make the world a better place
You gotta lick at your paws and clean your face

Na na na, na na na, na na na na na naaaa.
Mew!
posted by maryr at 10:12 PM on August 24 [1 favorite]


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