A cat is objectively valuable

December 18, 2014 2:28 PM

Ayn Rand reviews children's movies. By Mallory Ortberg.
posted by Mchelly (49 comments total)

The New Yorker apparently reviewed McSweeney's.
posted by davebush at 2:35 PM on December 18, 2014 [7 favorites]

Can we talk about when the internet will hit peak-Ortberg? I mean we all like to deny the day will ever come, but at some point it has to, right?
posted by SassHat at 2:37 PM on December 18, 2014 [8 favorites]

"If Grandpa Joe can dance, Grandpa Joe can work."
posted by sallybrown at 2:43 PM on December 18, 2014 [41 favorites]

Beat me to it. "This movie was a disappointment. The Muppets do not take Manhattan at all. They merely visit it."

However, this does allow me another opportunity to promote the Ayn Rand Private Access Show. "Do not applaud in unison! That is collectivist!"
posted by Madamina at 2:44 PM on December 18, 2014 [9 favorites]

"I believe more movies should be made about enterprising young boys who are given factories"
posted by MCMikeNamara at 2:49 PM on December 18, 2014 [3 favorites]

Wonka was giving his factory away. How is that worth 3.5 stars? Rand is becoming a sentimentalist.
posted by biffa at 2:51 PM on December 18, 2014 [8 favorites]

Pfft. Charlie wins in the end by accident; he didn't know he would get the factory for turning down Slugworth's offer. Objectively, he made the wrong choice. The author merely imposed his moralistic pieties by making sure Charlie was rewarded for his foolish altruism, when in real life, he would have received a relatively low-value supply of chocolate and nothing more. He and his family would only have added diabetes and obesity to their endemic poverty.
posted by emjaybee at 2:54 PM on December 18, 2014 [33 favorites]

I'll save a few people a click and say The Incredibles is NOT reviewed.
posted by FJT at 2:57 PM on December 18, 2014 [5 favorites]

Nor are Iron Man or any of the Batman films.
posted by kewb at 2:58 PM on December 18, 2014 [1 favorite]

It transpires that Ayn Rand was indeed a dedicated ailurophile and longtime subscriber to Cat Fancy. Moreover, she did in fact claim in a letter to said periodical that she could "demonstrate objectively that cats are of a great value, and the charter issue of Cat Fancy magazine can serve as part of the evidence." (Whether this stands out as a lone instance of credibility on her part or merely compounds her fundamentally misguided worldview depends on one's own opinion of felines.)

Nonetheless, it is something of a let-down that she did not review The Aristocrats.
posted by Doktor Zed at 3:00 PM on December 18, 2014 [18 favorites]

I'll save a few people a click and say The Incredibles is NOT reviewed.

The free market already spoke on that one.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 3:01 PM on December 18, 2014

FJT: "I'll save a few people a click and say The Incredibles is NOT reviewed."

"when everyone is super... no one will be"

Ayn Rand was super! We're still talking about her; she has super staying power for no apparent reason!
posted by Red Loop at 3:04 PM on December 18, 2014 [1 favorite]

If Grandpa Joe can dance, Grandpa Joe can work.

I... never thought I might agree with Ayn Rand, even mock-Ayn Rand. I must go hug my cat for solace...

Oh, crap.
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:07 PM on December 18, 2014 [17 favorites]

God, I will never tire of making fun of Ayn Rand. Never! Anyone who feels the same should also check out the Ayn Rand episode of the Dead Authors Podcast, featuring John Hodgman as Ayn Rand.
posted by yasaman at 3:09 PM on December 18, 2014 [12 favorites]

It's funny.

Premises like "[famous person well-known for some ideological position] does [movie reviews, cooking, etc]" should be at least a little bit surprising somewhere, though.
posted by clockzero at 3:11 PM on December 18, 2014 [2 favorites]

it is something of a let-down that she did not review The Aristocrats

Nor The Aristocats!
posted by saturday_morning at 3:12 PM on December 18, 2014 [13 favorites]

Doktor Zed: "Nonetheless, it is something of a let-down that she did not review The Aristocrats"

I feel like "The Aristocrats!" should be the punchline to any long-winded, increasingly perverse and excruciating Randian screed.
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 3:25 PM on December 18, 2014 [9 favorites]

“Babe”
Another pig farmer fails to do his job. —No stars.

That's priceless right there.
posted by Carillon at 3:33 PM on December 18, 2014 [5 favorites]

I'm 100% with her re: Grandpa Joe.
posted by mochapickle at 3:38 PM on December 18, 2014 [2 favorites]

We're still talking about her; she has super staying power for no apparent reason!

Indeed; how is she still a thing?
posted by busted_crayons at 3:40 PM on December 18, 2014 [3 favorites]

Pfft. Charlie wins in the end by accident; he didn't know he would get the factory for turning down Slugworth's offer.

Not by accident at all. Fighting guys with evil-sounding names is a foolproof way to win, as the author of a couple of books where the villains are named Wesley Mouch and Ellsworth Toohey could tell you.
posted by officer_fred at 4:05 PM on December 18, 2014

No review of Anastasia, I see.
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 4:09 PM on December 18, 2014 [4 favorites]

A cat is a far more sensible pet. A cat is objectively valuable.

I refuse to consider the idea that Rand was a cat person. I refuse to.
posted by brundlefly at 4:12 PM on December 18, 2014 [3 favorites]

I refuse to consider the idea that Rand was a cat person. I refuse to.

One can come to the right conclusion via the wrong reasoning, if that provides any comfort.
posted by Joey Michaels at 4:17 PM on December 18, 2014 [7 favorites]

It does. Thank you.
posted by brundlefly at 4:18 PM on December 18, 2014 [2 favorites]

"If Grandpa Joe can dance, Grandpa Joe can work."

Actually, I've always been weirded out by Grandpa Joe and what a moocher he is. Like he lies in bed for years, but then the minute someone invites him to a chocolate factory he's all OH LOOK IT TURNS OUT I'M NOT BEDRIDDEN AFTER ALL!

Grandpa Joe is the true villain of Charlie And The Chocolate Factory as far as I'm concerned. (previously)
posted by Sara C. at 4:36 PM on December 18, 2014 [14 favorites]

Those four old people live in that big bed. Imagine what that room must smell like.
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 4:43 PM on December 18, 2014 [3 favorites]

Probably overwhelmed by the smell of chocolate from the factory. Or at least one hopes so.
posted by Pink Frost at 4:47 PM on December 18, 2014

Jesus, I sure hope none of you are my grandkids.
posted by Flunkie at 4:48 PM on December 18, 2014 [10 favorites]

Sure, a cat may be objectively valuable, but you can't hug every cat.
posted by lumpenprole at 4:49 PM on December 18, 2014 [7 favorites]

Sure, a cat may be objectively valuable, but you can't hug every cat.

I can try!
posted by aubilenon at 5:01 PM on December 18, 2014 [9 favorites]

Can we talk about when the internet will hit peak-Ortberg?

Sure, once we're done talking about literature hitting peak Shakespeare, or cinema hitting peak Spielberg.
posted by Itaxpica at 5:06 PM on December 18, 2014 [15 favorites]

Those four old people live in that big bed. Imagine what that room must smell like.

And no TV. Those four are probably defying societal stereotypes about ageing sexuality the minute the younger Buckets are out of the door.
posted by biffa at 5:08 PM on December 18, 2014 [5 favorites]

In other Randian news, Nathaniel Branden died a couple weeks ago.
posted by telstar at 5:26 PM on December 18, 2014 [3 favorites]

Can we talk about when the internet will hit peak-Ortberg?

Don't even think that.
posted by lhauser at 7:18 PM on December 18, 2014

Dagny "Mo'Money" Taggart liberates Arulco.

Dagny landed gracefully and began checking her weapon. No doubt several socialists were lurking in the bushes, limp-wristed academics arguing pedantically about the virtues of a planned central economy. Dagny hefted her weapon, an MP5KA4, and inspected the magazine. Thirty bullets, one in the chamber, 29 remaining, each as equally effective at downing unarmoured communists as the last. The clerk had assured her that the weapon's communist-killing credentials were unassailable, but refused to clarify what he meant without financial inducement.

Not S for W.
posted by Sebmojo at 7:19 PM on December 18, 2014 [1 favorite]

Sure, a cat may be objectively valuable, but you can't hug every cat.

*starts tearing up*
posted by um at 7:28 PM on December 18, 2014

I'm thinking about cats again!
posted by mmmbacon at 8:16 PM on December 18, 2014 [1 favorite]

She's totally right about Grandpa Joe.
posted by evil otto at 10:05 PM on December 18, 2014 [2 favorites]

Now that was 50 bucks worth of comedy.
posted by OHenryPacey at 12:19 AM on December 19, 2014

Meeting Ayn Rand on the Las Vegas Strip
posted by bukvich at 6:38 AM on December 19, 2014

Sure, a cat may be objectively valuable, but you can't hug every cat.

Not alone, but if we work together we can ensure that every kitty gets cuddles -- and belly rubs. Don't be fooled; cats love having their bellies rubbed. They're just picky about who gets to rub the soft furry kitty belly.

I think that was Ayn Rand's problem, even more than just being a bitter old bitch who couldn't get over how the commies fucked over her family. She loved kitties, but kitties didn't love her. She never got to rub a soft furry kitty belly.
posted by starbreaker at 7:57 AM on December 19, 2014 [3 favorites]

Can we talk about when the internet will hit peak-Ortberg? I mean we all like to deny the day will ever come, but at some point it has to, right?

I'll say I lost a lot of respect for her and The Toast after learning how the publication treated its contributors. Sure they changed the contract after getting called out, but that's exactly how every shitty company works: exploit while you can get away with it, shed crocodile tears and proclaim that you've learned the error of your ways when caught.

It's kind of fitting for a thread on Rand, since The Toast was able to do something like this because writers are in such a weak position these days that businesses can stomp on them and they'll have to take it. Rand would be smiling.
posted by Sangermaine at 8:10 AM on December 19, 2014

"I quite liked the rat."
posted by flyingsquirrel at 8:53 AM on December 19, 2014

The concept has been done before.
posted by Sticherbeast at 10:25 AM on December 19, 2014 [2 favorites]

$50 and rights in perpetuity is the going rate for sites like The Toast, if they even pay at all. I recapped Game Of Thrones for a site with similar reach and got $0. I'll be recapping Agent Carter in the new year for another site and AFAIK I am also getting $0.

The Toast is getting into a tough spot at the moment because they are becoming more well known, and thus are a target for the What Do You Mean People Who Write On The Internet Aren't Millionaires hype machine. Because generally it's assumed that if you've seen/heard of something, the person who came up with it must be rich. Except that isn't actually true. I'm glad The Toast are throwing their writers a bone, but to single them out among websites is kind of ridiculous. They are actually better than most, and more willing to do better than most sites would be.
posted by Sara C. at 2:40 PM on December 19, 2014 [6 favorites]

When I see a photo of Ayn Rand, my autonomic response is to also reflexively remember how she reported making-out with Alan Greenspan when they were in the same book club: I believe humanity has seen its' nadir.
posted by isopraxis at 3:50 PM on December 19, 2014

Andy Baio on who owns a joke and the originality of the Ayn Rand film review.
posted by frimble at 7:22 AM on December 23, 2014 [3 favorites]

Ayn Rand helped the FBI investigate whether ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ was commie propaganda
posted by homunculus at 11:17 PM on January 7, 2015