Is This Rock Safe for Your Bush?
May 11, 2016 5:25 PM   Subscribe

Is it safe to use a malachite stalactite as a dildo? The experts (no, seriously) weigh in.
posted by middleclasstool (75 comments total) 68 users marked this as a favorite

 
• In other words, the human vagina dissolves malachite.

• I have no deeper explanation for why human females can dissolve rocks with our genitals. It simply is.
posted by griphus at 5:28 PM on May 11, 2016 [55 favorites]


If you're looking for the best bit - just skip on ahead to the bit that begins "(biologist crashes in through the underbrush)" and start reading.

And marvel. As I did.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:35 PM on May 11, 2016 [13 favorites]


Sure, why not. I will accept anything that might make even a little dent in the staggering ignorance surrounding the human female genitalia and/or reproductive system.
posted by seraphine at 5:38 PM on May 11, 2016 [2 favorites]


Many rocks are slightly water soluble. In fact, most forms of malachite are produced by water erosion and evaporation. Whether it will leech out enough to kill you is another question.
posted by CBrachyrhynchos at 5:40 PM on May 11, 2016 [2 favorites]


Apparently there is a secondary effect.
posted by Artw at 5:41 PM on May 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


*biologist crashes through the underbrush*

A wild biologist appears!

This all looks like fun and games, but I think it’s really interesting that the internet’s mistake in concluding that this stalactite is fuckable is very similar to the mistake made by the Flint water management system. Hear me out. Central to the Flint lead poisoning crisis is that authorities only looked at & tested Flint’s water in its central treatment plant before it went out through the pipes. Not after it went through the pipes. They did not consider what would happen biochemically as it went through the pipes and metals started dissolving. Similarly, in concluding that the stalactite is fuckable, the internet only considered the stalactite itself. Not the biochemical processes that would happen to it as it, welp, went through the pipes.

I'm in awe.

(It's safe for me to be in awe, right?)
posted by wildblueyonder at 5:42 PM on May 11, 2016 [57 favorites]


your vagina and/or city could depend on this

I just got an idea for a new superheroine...
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:44 PM on May 11, 2016 [11 favorites]


Isn't there an IUD called the 'copper T'? Wouldn't that also emit apparently very harmful copper ions?
posted by Flashman at 5:45 PM on May 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


hahahahahahaha meet me behind the outcrop, baby, I'm a little boulder there
posted by barchan at 5:45 PM on May 11, 2016 [52 favorites]


It would be ok with a condom, though, wouldn't it?
posted by TedW at 5:45 PM on May 11, 2016


But that would be like eating limestone with a balloon on your tongue. What's the point.
posted by middleclasstool at 5:49 PM on May 11, 2016 [51 favorites]


There are a lot of malachite beads in the world. I have a necklace of them, I wore it last week. The Hermitage museum in Russia has a room decorated with it. I love malachite, but not in that way.
posted by Oyéah at 5:50 PM on May 11, 2016 [12 favorites]


Use any of the million or so available kits to make a latex mold of the stalactite.

Cast the stalactite in material of choice, such as more latex, plastic resin, or portland cement.

If you cast it in cement paint with polyurethane. This is a good way to reproduce the original density and coloring.

Enjoy!
posted by Bringer Tom at 5:53 PM on May 11, 2016 [5 favorites]


In art class back in boarding school we used to work with soapstone a lot, and you could get that stuff nice and mucous-membrane-smooth with a bit of work, plus it went all "soapy" (just talc and water), and I was a pubescent boy, but I never could get my hands on a piece of the stuff big enough to carve a nice hole in and then fuck.
posted by turbid dahlia at 6:05 PM on May 11, 2016 [5 favorites]


Hahaha, I just realized this was on Kelly Sue DeConnick's Tumblr. Excellent.
This is both hilarious and cool as fuck because you’re getting all this information on minerals and rocks. You’re also watching people argue over wether or not you can fuck this rock
posted by limeonaire at 6:10 PM on May 11, 2016 [14 favorites]


Biochemically speaking, you’re probably ok to put it in your butt. It’s not as acidic or salty in there, plus there’s a huuuuuge stockpile of gut microbes right upstream that can quickly repopulate the colon after spelunking is complete.

I will never again see the word spelunking and not think of a giant malachite dildo.

I'm ok with that.
posted by karayel at 6:15 PM on May 11, 2016 [19 favorites]


That was great. Educational AND entertaining!
posted by aka burlap at 6:15 PM on May 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


Setting aside the fuckability - that is a really visually beautiful object, regardless. I especially like the "growth rings" element that came from how it was made.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:16 PM on May 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


Sometimes the stars line up just perfectly. This lands on MetaFilter when just earlier in the day, I was read a tweet informing me that Gwyneth Paltrow is selling a gold dildo on her lifestyle website goop.com.
posted by Fizz at 6:21 PM on May 11, 2016


Biochemically sure, but the pictured rock lacks a base flange making it a dangerous butt toy.
posted by Mitheral at 6:23 PM on May 11, 2016 [7 favorites]


Isn't there an IUD called the 'copper T'? Wouldn't that also emit apparently very harmful copper ions?

Metallic copper is unionized (in the sense of being electrically neutral, not in the sense of being organized for better working conditions). Also, many metals are less prone to corrosion, or prone to corrosion at different conditions, than salts of the same metal are. Copper sulfate, say, is water-soluble; put a big 'ol block of CuSO4 in boring everyday water and agitate it vigorously, and it'll dissolve like a sugar cube. An identical mass-and-size block of copper, however, will sit in the water doing nothing, and will only dissolve in the presence of something much more corrosive than everyday water (the dissolution process usually will end up ionizing it, FWIW; exposing copper to sulfuric acid will end up producing an aqueous solution of the aforementioned copper sulfate, which in liquid is just a bunch of copper and sulfate ions floating around).

Presumably the vaginal environment does not contain anything which will oxidize copper in the necessary concentrations. Or maybe copper Ts are coated in a non-reactive copper salt (cupric oxide, perhaps).
posted by jackbishop at 6:26 PM on May 11, 2016 [16 favorites]


I would not be a very good scientist (or have healthy vaginal flora) because I'm more of an, "I dunno, let's just try it," kind of curious.
posted by bendy at 6:27 PM on May 11, 2016 [5 favorites]


Cast the stalactite in material of choice, such as more latex, plastic resin, or portland cement.

Look, when I come around asking if I can shove a polished green rock up my business, I don't want to hear a lot of jibber-jabber about plastic resin. It's rock or I walk, buddy.
posted by brookedel at 6:28 PM on May 11, 2016 [46 favorites]


Biochemically sure, but the pictured rock lacks a base flange making it a dangerous butt toy.

The biologist who is my new favorite person actually covered this in the post. One of the reasons I love the biologist.
posted by not that girl at 6:30 PM on May 11, 2016 [10 favorites]


Fun fact: the fpp link does not re-size on a phone, and the comments are nested deeper than the longways width of my phone display! I surmise from the comments above in this thread that there are amusing comments somewhere to the right of all of the vertical lines? (Nested replies are good design for small email threads, where the replies don't really get nested more than three deep usually. Sites like tumblr and reddit have managed to twist nested comments around into very poor design, however. Le sigh.)
posted by eviemath at 6:31 PM on May 11, 2016 [11 favorites]


Setting aside the fuckability - that is a really visually beautiful object, regardless.

That's... what she said?

(Not sure if joke is eclipsed by the fact that the double entendre is late to the already heavily entendre'd party, or by the tired nature of the phrase.)
posted by wildblueyonder at 6:31 PM on May 11, 2016 [2 favorites]


[this is good]
posted by Joey Michaels at 6:36 PM on May 11, 2016


I would not be a very good scientist (or have healthy vaginal flora) because I'm more of an, "I dunno, let's just try it," kind of curious.
posted by bendy at 9:27 PM on May 11 [+] [!]


Eponysterical?
posted by Fizz at 6:40 PM on May 11, 2016 [3 favorites]


Only $3999 in GOOP
posted by T.D. Strange at 6:43 PM on May 11, 2016


I asked my friend the geophysicist and she said go for it, vagina-havers.
posted by AFABulous at 6:46 PM on May 11, 2016


Depending on where you live, there can be serious legal consequences for engaging in trade for stalactites.

State cave protection laws

Six people allegedly involved in the illegal sale of stalactites and stalagmites to collectors have been arrested, the National Bureau of Investigation (NBI) reported Tuesday.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 6:52 PM on May 11, 2016 [3 favorites]


Gwyneth Paltrow is selling a gold dildo on her lifestyle website goop.com

This seems perfectly logical to me, since Gwyneth Paltrow is merely Pepper Potts with blonde hair, and if anyone would have practical experience with extravagantly expensive luxury sex toys, surely it should be Tony Stark's girlfriend.
posted by nicebookrack at 7:00 PM on May 11, 2016 [9 favorites]


Fun fact: the fpp link does not re-size on a phone, and the comments are nested deeper than the longways width of my phone display!

if you keep on pushing down you eventually get to the expert analysis...
posted by ennui.bz at 7:08 PM on May 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


I used to gasfitting and boiler maintenance as a part-time job while in university. As I recall, "malachite green" was a kind of mud sometimes put on refractory bricks in industrial heated-water boilers. I was cautioned never to get it on my skin because it burns. Quite funny how the person in the Tumblr thread just has to know for sure whether or not the stuff is toxic.
posted by My Dad at 7:11 PM on May 11, 2016


You could also just spraycoat the stalactite with clear polyurethane, making like an invisible condom for it.
posted by Bringer Tom at 7:13 PM on May 11, 2016 [2 favorites]


I was stopped by the TSA once because my wife had really aggressively wrapped a malachite specimen (more round than dildo-shaped, but about the same size) in my bag and it was of course a big dark mass on the X-ray machine so they had to unwrap it to see what the hell it was. The TSA guy did see that it was a specimen to be visually appreciated; malachite can be incredibly beautiful. But he had to ask.

"Is it chemically active?"
"It's a rock. A pretty rock."
"Is there any way you could use it to hurt people?"
"Well, I could hit someone over the head with it, now that you've unwrapped it."

I did get on the plane with the rock, sans wrapping. I refrained from rock murder on that flight even thought it might have been possible.
posted by Bringer Tom at 7:20 PM on May 11, 2016 [19 favorites]


Could the ENTIRE INTERNET please stop trying to fuck the rock I don't care how pretty it is jeeeeeezus
posted by angeline at 7:28 PM on May 11, 2016 [10 favorites]


Also -

MetaFilter: Do not put this stalactite in your butt.
posted by yhbc at 7:31 PM on May 11, 2016 [5 favorites]


if you keep on pushing down

I see what you did there
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:49 PM on May 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


hahahahahahaha meet me behind the outcrop, baby, I'm a little boulder there

excuse me pardon me but i am going to need to hear a lot more horrible geologist pick up lines asap please and thank
posted by poffin boffin at 8:12 PM on May 11, 2016 [30 favorites]


I'm sorry, the rock is just not that into you.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 8:14 PM on May 11, 2016 [8 favorites]


I knew this would be right up your alley, Blackadder.
posted by Slackermagee at 8:14 PM on May 11, 2016 [4 favorites]


hey girl, am i pure sodium, because I'm pretty sure I'mma explode unpredictably the nanosecond you get me wet

wait no
posted by middleclasstool at 8:38 PM on May 11, 2016 [49 favorites]


Look we just need some kind of “buttpedia”. Every entry is an object, and the text is whether or not you should stick it up your butt. Jimmy Wales, do this now and get the people interested in editing Wikipedia again.
posted by Going To Maine at 8:44 PM on May 11, 2016 [10 favorites]


these are pretty terrible:

--are you a carbon sample? Because I'd like to date you
--you're giving me thermal expansion in my pants
--are you a meteorite because you're out of this world
--would you like to make the bed rock
--are you hung like a horst
--would you like to dig up this bone
--if you like metamorphic rocks I can help you with temperature and pressure
--can I study your cleavage
--can I study your orogenous zones
--let's make like seismologists and feel the earth quake
--nice ash/nice facies/nice cleavage
--you're a butte
--you make me a 10 on the mohs scale/would you like to see a 10 on the mohs scale/would you like to test the mohns scale [references to hardness]
--if we were an earthquake you'd be the p wave [the first to come]
--let's have an intertonguing relationship
--are you a pyroclastic flow because you just blew me away
--are you a geologist because I need you to examine the rock in my pants
--you're finer than silt/fine ash!
--hey baby I know you're not a xenolith because you wouldn't look out of place in my bed
--You know subduction leads to orogeny

and finally best of the worst:

If you get with me, you will be (Mg,Fe2+)2(Mg,Fe2+)5Si8O22(OH)2
posted by barchan at 8:47 PM on May 11, 2016 [99 favorites]


Look we just need some kind of “buttpedia”

just imagine the yearly A PERSONAL APPEAL donation drive
posted by amery at 8:53 PM on May 11, 2016 [4 favorites]


these are pretty terrible

All of them are schist.
posted by flabdablet at 9:14 PM on May 11, 2016 [8 favorites]


Also, I am going to spend the next few hours giggling about "monoclinic cummingtonite".
posted by flabdablet at 9:16 PM on May 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


I'm Getting Sedimental Over You?
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:16 PM on May 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


This Stephen Universe fandom has gotten out of hand!

I approve.
posted by Slap*Happy at 9:16 PM on May 11, 2016 [5 favorites]


Metallic copper is unionized (in the sense of being electrically neutral, not in the sense of being organized for better working conditions)


I am sure my IUD would have some grievances.
posted by louche mustachio at 9:34 PM on May 11, 2016 [3 favorites]


Oh god you're so stalagtite
posted by benzenedream at 9:50 PM on May 11, 2016 [2 favorites]


That's not very gneiss.
posted by Ghidorah at 9:56 PM on May 11, 2016 [10 favorites]


From the back of mandanza's "I'd hit that" geology department shirt:
Erotica Tectonica

10) Metamorphism makes me hot.
9)  Lithification makes me hard.
8)  I'm a constant head boundary.
7)  Planetary geologists spend their time looking for perfect cleavage on heavenly bodies.
6)  I'm a hot young lithosphere looking for a cold hard continental crust to subduct me.
5)  Hey babe, I'll slide over you like a nuees ardente on Mt. Pele.
4)  Sometimes an orogenous zone just needs a good thrust.
3)  You have to pump deeper in my well to get more hydraulic head.
2)  You be the aquifer, I'll be the leaky confining layer.
1)  In geologic time, thrusting for an hour is nothing.
posted by JiBB at 10:01 PM on May 11, 2016 [5 favorites]


Excellent post. The obvious follow-ups:
How can I make this rock safely fuckable?
What beautiful, dildo-shaped rocks CAN I fuck?
How can I add a flared base?
posted by meemzi at 10:31 PM on May 11, 2016 [5 favorites]


leaky confining layer.

You should probably be buying better condoms.
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:34 PM on May 11, 2016


"Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor not a mineralogist!"
***
"You did what?"
***
"I've never had to use this setting on a medical tricorder before."
posted by sebastienbailard at 10:56 PM on May 11, 2016 [5 favorites]


I'm pretty sure this belongs here.
posted by scalefree at 10:57 PM on May 11, 2016


What beautiful, dildo-shaped rocks CAN I fuck?

Donghai Yuanhang Crystal Manufacture Co., Ltd. is here to help.

Also etsy.
posted by sebastienbailard at 11:03 PM on May 11, 2016 [1 favorite]


OK, if I wasn't writing up my dissertation and way too many papers right now I know exactly what I'd do to test this question, at least on a microbiological level. There could indeed be unpredictable directly toxic effects of dissolved malachite on mucous membranes, but I bet this will indeed fuck up your flora in profoundly unpleasant ways.

I would whip up a big batch of simulated vaginal fluid and first spectrophotometrically test just how much malachite ends up in solution after some vigorous rubbing. Then I would prepare some solid rich media supplemented by either rubbed or un-rubbed fluid, and dilute human sample into agar overlays of each media with biological replicates to count the colonies. It would also be easy enough to do 16s RNA sequencing of the colonies to see how the population changes if it does.

With some malachite, and a lot of hilariously awkward paperwork associated with the sample, most microbiology labs including my own would be able to do this.
posted by Blasdelb at 1:17 AM on May 12, 2016 [29 favorites]


science Fair has gotten a lot more interesting than when I was a young'un.
posted by GenjiandProust at 1:52 AM on May 12, 2016 [7 favorites]


Metallic copper is unionized (in the sense of being electrically neutral, not in the sense of being organized for better working conditions)

Are you implying a malachite dildo would act as a battery?
posted by rongorongo at 2:57 AM on May 12, 2016


I dunno, the main mechanism of action of the copper IUDs is the dissolution of copper ions, according to the Mayo Clinic. Granted, that is in the uterus rather than the vagina, but there is at least some communication of fluids through the cervix. If low concentrations of copper were as catastrophic for normal vaginal flora as the biologist in that Tumblr thread estimates (and all respect to her/him for actually making an argument based on data!) then I think the copper IUDs would have the same effect. Considering also that the biologist in the thread made some pretty liberal assumptions about how much copper would be released from the malachite (equilibrium concentration doesn't tell us anything about the kinetics, which that commenter did acknowledge), and that healthy microbial ecosystems are likely to be more resilient against environmental challenges like dissolved copper than E. coli in a petri dish, my money says that a brief (YMMV) exposure to malachite is unlikely to have a significant effect on vaginal flora.

TL;DR, I bet you could fuck that rock if you wanted to. But until Blasdelb wins the grant money to experimentally test this directly, we won't know for sure.
posted by biogeo at 3:09 AM on May 12, 2016 [2 favorites]


Are you implying a malachite dildo would act as a battery?

You haven't seen the buzz about the kickstarter for the self-powered copper-zinc vibrator?
posted by sebastienbailard at 3:12 AM on May 12, 2016 [5 favorites]


So just to be clear, it's technically safe to combine with C4H4AsH, just not with that morphology?
posted by lucidium at 3:28 AM on May 12, 2016 [2 favorites]


...this thread is making me wish I'd studied geology. All I've really got to go with from my own little niche field right now is:

Hey girl, are you Titus Andronicus, 'cause you have an end that kills like seven people
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 4:40 AM on May 12, 2016 [10 favorites]


Also, I am going to spend the next few hours giggling about "monoclinic cummingtonite".

fun fact: the cummington of cummingtonite is the site of a well-known nude gay "beach".
posted by ennui.bz at 4:42 AM on May 12, 2016 [4 favorites]


OK, if I wasn't writing up my dissertation

Dude, I'm pretty sure you just passed up a chance at an Ig Nobel.
posted by CheeseDigestsAll at 6:10 AM on May 12, 2016 [5 favorites]


According to Wiki, the luster of Cummingtonite ranges from "vitreous to silky." Oh yeah baby.
posted by Panjandrum at 6:15 AM on May 12, 2016 [2 favorites]


You know subduction leads to orogeny

The best one of the batch.
posted by Aya Hirano on the Astral Plane at 6:15 AM on May 12, 2016 [2 favorites]


This is far and away the best part:


• This all looks like fun and games, but I think it’s really interesting that the internet’s mistake in concluding that this stalactite is fuckable is very similar to the mistake made by the Flint water management system. Hear me out.

• Central to the Flint lead poisoning crisis is that authorities only looked at & tested Flint’s water in its central treatment plant before it went out through the pipes. Not after it went through the pipes. They did not consider what would happen biochemically as it went through the pipes and metals started dissolving.

• Similarly, in concluding that the stalactite is fuckable, the internet only considered the stalactite itself. Not the biochemical processes that would happen to it as it, welp, went through the pipes.

• Media frequently reports that the Flint River’s water is “corrosive,” leading many to believe the river is full of industrial waste. This ain’t the case. You’d need industry to fill a river with industrial waste, and industry left decades ago. That’s why Flint’s so poor. So what IS in the water? Road salt. Plain old stupid road salt. The old Detroit-based source didn’t have salt because it came from Lake Huron which has a large, mostly rural watershed. Meanwhile the Flint River runs through a lot of towns, making it slightly salty as everything melts down in spring. And as we recall from the stalactite experience, a little salt is all it takes to get metals to dissolve.

• Information on this engineering problem was not coming through clearly from the engineering or chemistry sides. It took a biologist, pediatrician Mona Hanna-Attisha, to document the real-time results and provide the data to kick-start a high-level investigation.

• Morals of the story: when dealing with a biological system pls consider asking a biologist, your vagina and/or city could depend on this.

posted by MexicanYenta at 6:56 AM on May 12, 2016 [3 favorites]


I have hesitated to do this for fear of being all LOOK AT MY TWITTER, but I do have a personal story related to dicks and minerals that I have not shared here and that may be of some interest to some of you.
posted by middleclasstool at 12:32 PM on May 12, 2016 [8 favorites]


So just to be clear, it's technically safe to combine with C4H4AsH, just not with that morphology?

Whoa look at all those arses!
posted by numaner at 3:37 PM on May 12, 2016


Dear Askme:
I always get stalactites and stalagmites confused. What's the most accurate way to describe my sexual identity to interested spelunkers?
posted by not_on_display at 11:39 AM on June 5, 2016 [1 favorite]


This brings a whole new level of meaning to "A stalactite's tight and a stalagmite might."
posted by wildblueyonder at 11:59 AM on June 5, 2016


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