Lord Help Me to Improve My Debt Collection Skills
January 16, 2018 12:55 PM Subscribe
"The following is a list of 4510 different titles given to the exact same generic 9:59 self-affirmation pep-talk on Spotify."
This brings to mind Matt Farley, except spammy and probably-malicious (and some bonus Matt Farley).
posted by uncleozzy at 1:09 PM on January 16, 2018
posted by uncleozzy at 1:09 PM on January 16, 2018
I Will Attract My Dream Car
I Will Overcome Fear of Becoming Ill
Relieve Influenza, Learn Czech, Make Money
I Will Improve My Rapping Skills
posted by miles per flower at 1:10 PM on January 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
I Will Overcome Fear of Becoming Ill
Relieve Influenza, Learn Czech, Make Money
I Will Improve My Rapping Skills
posted by miles per flower at 1:10 PM on January 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
Become Less Stupid
posted by cjorgensen at 1:12 PM on January 16, 2018
posted by cjorgensen at 1:12 PM on January 16, 2018
This is also a list of my new year's resolutions for 2018.
posted by paper chromatographologist at 1:13 PM on January 16, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by paper chromatographologist at 1:13 PM on January 16, 2018 [6 favorites]
Fear of Poison
Fear of Beards
Fear of the Moon
Fear of Small Things
Fear of Movement or Motion
Fear of Stagefright
posted by little onion at 1:20 PM on January 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
Fear of Beards
Fear of the Moon
Fear of Small Things
Fear of Movement or Motion
Fear of Stagefright
posted by little onion at 1:20 PM on January 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
Become less stubborn
Become more stubborn
posted by Segundus at 1:24 PM on January 16, 2018 [2 favorites]
Become more stubborn
posted by Segundus at 1:24 PM on January 16, 2018 [2 favorites]
Improve Your Bagpipe Skills
I Will Improve My Bagpipe Skills
Lord Help Me to Improve My Bagpipe Skills
I Will Get My Ex-Boyfriend Back
I Will Get over My Ex-Boyfriend
posted by RobotHero at 1:29 PM on January 16, 2018 [5 favorites]
I Will Improve My Bagpipe Skills
Lord Help Me to Improve My Bagpipe Skills
I Will Get My Ex-Boyfriend Back
I Will Get over My Ex-Boyfriend
posted by RobotHero at 1:29 PM on January 16, 2018 [5 favorites]
Improve Your Bagpipe Skills
It's no good. I'll never be as good as the guy from Big Country.
posted by octobersurprise at 1:37 PM on January 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
It's no good. I'll never be as good as the guy from Big Country.
posted by octobersurprise at 1:37 PM on January 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
Damn it. I mean to listen to "Become Less Average" because who wouldn't want to be less average.
But I must have accidentally gotten "Become More Disaffected" instead.
Shit. This explains so much.
posted by Naberius at 1:42 PM on January 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
But I must have accidentally gotten "Become More Disaffected" instead.
Shit. This explains so much.
posted by Naberius at 1:42 PM on January 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
The following is a list of 6 different titles, excluding those that begin with verbs, "I Will," "I Won't," "Lord Help Me," "No More," or "We Will;" or ending with "Gone" or "No More," given to the exact same generic 9:59 self-affirmation pep-talk on Spotify.
Astral Projection
Beauty Pageant Success
Chakra Healing
Free from Depression
Money Isn't Everything
Recovery and Healing
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 1:46 PM on January 16, 2018
Astral Projection
Beauty Pageant Success
Chakra Healing
Free from Depression
Money Isn't Everything
Recovery and Healing
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 1:46 PM on January 16, 2018
They nailed it. I've been trying for years to pin down exactly what's wrong with me. I'm fucking languid. I need to Become Less Languid. Say it with me: Languid.
posted by pipeski at 1:51 PM on January 16, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by pipeski at 1:51 PM on January 16, 2018 [5 favorites]
"I Will Be a Good Parent
I Will Be an Alcoholic No More
I Will Be the Life of the Party"
Well that escalated quickly.
posted by howfar at 2:09 PM on January 16, 2018 [8 favorites]
I Will Be an Alcoholic No More
I Will Be the Life of the Party"
Well that escalated quickly.
posted by howfar at 2:09 PM on January 16, 2018 [8 favorites]
"Overcome Fear of Alcohol"
posted by sandettie light vessel automatic at 2:13 PM on January 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by sandettie light vessel automatic at 2:13 PM on January 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
I Will Improve My Hypnotherapy Skills
I Will...
...I will...
...I—
posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 2:34 PM on January 16, 2018 [3 favorites]
I Will...
...I will...
...I—
posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 2:34 PM on January 16, 2018 [3 favorites]
Overcome Fear of Phobias
posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 2:37 PM on January 16, 2018
posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 2:37 PM on January 16, 2018
Is "I Will Overcome My Fear of Lists" on there? Too scared to look
posted by anazgnos at 2:38 PM on January 16, 2018 [8 favorites]
posted by anazgnos at 2:38 PM on January 16, 2018 [8 favorites]
Stop Arguing
I'm not arguing! I'm just trying to improve my bagpipe ski–oh, I guess you got me there, didn't you?
posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 2:39 PM on January 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
I'm not arguing! I'm just trying to improve my bagpipe ski–oh, I guess you got me there, didn't you?
posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 2:39 PM on January 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
It will help you become both more and less: aggressive, animated, apologetic, busy, candid, carefree, cautious, concerned, critical, curious, daring, demanding, dependable, domineering, easygoing, fearless, frank, gay, impulsive, involved, loud, outspoken, persistent, rebellious, serious, sly, strict, stubborn, submissive, talkative, and trusting.
posted by ckape at 2:53 PM on January 16, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by ckape at 2:53 PM on January 16, 2018 [3 favorites]
I can become less brutish, but not more brutish. Quite unfair to us aspiring brutes.
posted by medusa at 3:22 PM on January 16, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by medusa at 3:22 PM on January 16, 2018 [2 favorites]
Become Less Nasty
Become Less Brutish
Become Less Short
posted by ckape at 3:44 PM on January 16, 2018 [14 favorites]
Become Less Brutish
Become Less Short
posted by ckape at 3:44 PM on January 16, 2018 [14 favorites]
Aw, I was hoping all those 4510 titles would go to this guy here in his garage.
posted by lagomorphius at 4:03 PM on January 16, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by lagomorphius at 4:03 PM on January 16, 2018 [3 favorites]
there's a lot of odd stuff on Spotify! For example, if you want karaoke versions of pretty much everything, search for the artist "The Professionals".
posted by thelonius at 5:32 PM on January 16, 2018
posted by thelonius at 5:32 PM on January 16, 2018
I Will Improve My Aircraft Spotting Skills
Lord Help Me to Improve My Computer Programming Skills
posted by BungaDunga at 6:10 PM on January 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
Lord Help Me to Improve My Computer Programming Skills
posted by BungaDunga at 6:10 PM on January 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
Took the list straight here, ran it through Order 4, and lo and behold, almost right off the bat:
Lord Help Me to Become Racial Discrimination
And from Order 3:
I Will Become Skills
Improve Your Stairs
Become More People
I Will Become More Teeth
posted by BiggerJ at 6:39 PM on January 16, 2018 [7 favorites]
Lord Help Me to Become Racial Discrimination
And from Order 3:
I Will Become Skills
Improve Your Stairs
Become More People
I Will Become More Teeth
posted by BiggerJ at 6:39 PM on January 16, 2018 [7 favorites]
I Will Become More Patriotic (Okay, Ingsoc.)
I Will Develop a Baby Genius
Lord Help Me to Become More Feminine
Lord Help Me to Become More Submissive
Lord Help Me to Become an Alpha Male
posted by desert outpost at 9:06 PM on January 16, 2018
I Will Develop a Baby Genius
Lord Help Me to Become More Feminine
Lord Help Me to Become More Submissive
Lord Help Me to Become an Alpha Male
posted by desert outpost at 9:06 PM on January 16, 2018
Become Less Scruffy
...nope.
(Hope you enjoy cleanin' yer own terlets)
Become More Discreet
Become More Discrete
Uh
Look, my parts are about as separate and distinct as they're going to get
posted by ilana at 9:37 PM on January 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
...nope.
(Hope you enjoy cleanin' yer own terlets)
Become More Discreet
Become More Discrete
Uh
Look, my parts are about as separate and distinct as they're going to get
posted by ilana at 9:37 PM on January 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
Let me know when they publish "Become Less Gassy".
posted by tresbizzare at 9:38 PM on January 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by tresbizzare at 9:38 PM on January 16, 2018 [1 favorite]
Lord Help Me to Improve My Cello Skills
where the fuck was this when i was fourteen
posted by Halloween Jack at 9:42 PM on January 16, 2018 [3 favorites]
where the fuck was this when i was fourteen
posted by Halloween Jack at 9:42 PM on January 16, 2018 [3 favorites]
Stop Procrastination
It is ironical that this one is near the end of the list.
posted by chavenet at 3:35 AM on January 17, 2018
It is ironical that this one is near the end of the list.
posted by chavenet at 3:35 AM on January 17, 2018
I Will Attract Love
Well, that's a fine goal. Tell me more.
I Will Attract Women
And how will you do that?
I Will Become a Good Pickup Artist
No. Just no. Any better ideas?
I Will Become a Great Lover
Hate to break it to you, but that comes after the attracting women part.
I Will Become More Macho
I Will Develop Confidence with Women
I Will Become an Alpha Male
I Will Become More Sexy
Fine, if that's the path you want to take. Some women will find that appealing.
I Will Become Less Gay
Wait, are you sure you want to deny your true nature?
I Will Attract Men
I Will Develop Confidence with Men
OK, that sort of self-acceptance is more likely to lead to happiness.
I Will Become More Gay
No, you don't have to change in that way either! Again, focus on self-acceptance.
I Will Be Less Inhibited
I Will Become More Submissive
Alright, if that's the direction you feel called to travel...
I Will Beat Impotence
You know, in many cases that's something you should consult a medical professional about. A self-affirmation talk is unlikely to help.
I Will Become Less Dirty
I Will Become More Wholesome
Maybe we should start from the beginning.
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 9:31 AM on January 17, 2018 [5 favorites]
Well, that's a fine goal. Tell me more.
I Will Attract Women
And how will you do that?
I Will Become a Good Pickup Artist
No. Just no. Any better ideas?
I Will Become a Great Lover
Hate to break it to you, but that comes after the attracting women part.
I Will Become More Macho
I Will Develop Confidence with Women
I Will Become an Alpha Male
I Will Become More Sexy
Fine, if that's the path you want to take. Some women will find that appealing.
I Will Become Less Gay
Wait, are you sure you want to deny your true nature?
I Will Attract Men
I Will Develop Confidence with Men
OK, that sort of self-acceptance is more likely to lead to happiness.
I Will Become More Gay
No, you don't have to change in that way either! Again, focus on self-acceptance.
I Will Be Less Inhibited
I Will Become More Submissive
Alright, if that's the direction you feel called to travel...
I Will Beat Impotence
You know, in many cases that's something you should consult a medical professional about. A self-affirmation talk is unlikely to help.
I Will Become Less Dirty
I Will Become More Wholesome
Maybe we should start from the beginning.
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 9:31 AM on January 17, 2018 [5 favorites]
^F hypocritical
Hm. Guess everyone's just fine with their personal hypocrisy level? Good for you!
posted by Devonian at 10:18 AM on January 17, 2018
Hm. Guess everyone's just fine with their personal hypocrisy level? Good for you!
posted by Devonian at 10:18 AM on January 17, 2018
> Dumb question:
What is this?
There are no dumb questions! Let me direct you to the smash hit Lord Help Me to Improve My Reading Skills .
posted by The corpse in the library at 11:43 AM on January 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
What is this?
There are no dumb questions! Let me direct you to the smash hit Lord Help Me to Improve My Reading Skills .
posted by The corpse in the library at 11:43 AM on January 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
Apologies if that was smarmy. Me, I need to spend some time with Become More Nice.
posted by The corpse in the library at 11:44 AM on January 17, 2018
posted by The corpse in the library at 11:44 AM on January 17, 2018
There are no dumb questions! Let me direct you to the smash hit Lord Help Me to Improve My Reading Skills .
....Okay, if you'll agree to read my comment under its new title I Did Read It, Wise Guy, But Does This Have Any Context That Would Make Me Care.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:57 AM on January 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
....Okay, if you'll agree to read my comment under its new title I Did Read It, Wise Guy, But Does This Have Any Context That Would Make Me Care.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:57 AM on January 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
...Jenny Holzer, is that you?
posted by pykrete jungle at 12:08 PM on January 17, 2018
posted by pykrete jungle at 12:08 PM on January 17, 2018
Spotify is an audio streaming service. Mostly for music, but of course people used it for podcasts, and whatever.
At some point, I guess someone decided, "Hey we could put self-affirmation pep-talks on here."
But if you go looking for that, you might want a pep-talk for something specific you're trying to do, like overcome your fear of frogs. But making a pep-talk that addresses the fear of frogs might not be worth the trouble. How many people will really have a fear of frogs and decide the way to address that is to listen to pep-talks on Spotify? Isn't the important part that the title says it's for your fear of frogs?
posted by RobotHero at 12:14 PM on January 17, 2018
At some point, I guess someone decided, "Hey we could put self-affirmation pep-talks on here."
But if you go looking for that, you might want a pep-talk for something specific you're trying to do, like overcome your fear of frogs. But making a pep-talk that addresses the fear of frogs might not be worth the trouble. How many people will really have a fear of frogs and decide the way to address that is to listen to pep-talks on Spotify? Isn't the important part that the title says it's for your fear of frogs?
posted by RobotHero at 12:14 PM on January 17, 2018
"Become More Impulsive"
"I Will Overcome My Fear of Lice"
Can't have one without the other...
posted by FatherDagon at 1:49 PM on January 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
"I Will Overcome My Fear of Lice"
Can't have one without the other...
posted by FatherDagon at 1:49 PM on January 17, 2018 [1 favorite]
Much as this is funny the same way that big long list of fake DnD spells is funny (Protection from Elvis, 10' radius), it's far more depressing.
Content delivery services like Spotify, YouTube, or even Amazon to some extent, are being overrun by low value automated content creation. My wife's searches on YouTube for pop culture occasionally trip over videos with placeholder graphics and voice synthesis. My mother recently discovered a print on demand service that just takes every public domain document on archive.org and creates a listing on Amazon for every book. As the fixed cost of creating and managing these items on services falls to zero so does the value you need to offer in the items themselves. The end result is an unprecedented level of noise making discovery of quality products near impossible.
These places don't care about repeat customers. The cost of acquisition is zero, the cost for maintenance is near zero, and the trickle of deceived or disappointed customers is more than enough to fund these sorts of "businesses" indefinitely.
This will be the legacy of automation and AI. Crap created at light speed.
posted by krisjohn at 3:12 PM on January 17, 2018
Content delivery services like Spotify, YouTube, or even Amazon to some extent, are being overrun by low value automated content creation. My wife's searches on YouTube for pop culture occasionally trip over videos with placeholder graphics and voice synthesis. My mother recently discovered a print on demand service that just takes every public domain document on archive.org and creates a listing on Amazon for every book. As the fixed cost of creating and managing these items on services falls to zero so does the value you need to offer in the items themselves. The end result is an unprecedented level of noise making discovery of quality products near impossible.
These places don't care about repeat customers. The cost of acquisition is zero, the cost for maintenance is near zero, and the trickle of deceived or disappointed customers is more than enough to fund these sorts of "businesses" indefinitely.
This will be the legacy of automation and AI. Crap created at light speed.
posted by krisjohn at 3:12 PM on January 17, 2018
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I mean... it can't hurt to try, can it?
posted by Sequence at 1:06 PM on January 16, 2018 [18 favorites]