hot singles near me

February 5, 2020 6:19 PM

Video director and conceptual artist ani acopian (Youtube | Instagram) wasn’t having much luck with dating apps so she partnered with Amazon to make a better one.
posted by Johnny Wallflower (34 comments total)

I’m surprised they hadn’t already tried this, frankly.
posted by Miko at 6:23 PM on February 5, 2020 [3 favorites]

5 stars, it didn't get me pregnant.
posted by waving at 6:54 PM on February 5, 2020 [3 favorites]

When you tap on his face, in a warehouse in North Carolina, a receipt prints on thermal paper, it gets handed to a picker, and a worker jogs down an aisle behind her trolley to grab 'Steve, 28' from the fourth shelf up. Steve starts shouting as he is shoved in a box full of foam. Postage to Australia is AUD $68.55 and can be expected to take six to eight weeks. Would you like to see any other titles in middle-class men, tertiary educated, looking for ongoing relationship? Looking at the 'suggestions', you think, probably not. Steve, in his box, has to hoard his supply of fruit juice and cereal bars, and hopes that he will be delivered quickly. He is beginning to cramp, but there are instructions for yoga stretches helpfully printed on the inside of the box. You will not be home when the delivery van arrives, so Australia Post will leave a slip under your door to say they have taken Steve to a post office a suburb away, to be picked up between 9.30am and 4pm, Monday to Friday. Please rate your experience.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 7:22 PM on February 5, 2020 [32 favorites]

cannot tell if joking

FAQ
Q: Is this for real?
A: No.
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:26 PM on February 5, 2020 [6 favorites]

no really i can’t tell if joking either



it only lets me add one person to my cart this seems real someone else check out and tell me, my social dating app anxiety is exploding
posted by zinful at 7:27 PM on February 5, 2020

well I guess that’s what the preview button is for. damn. Matan was pretty cute, too.
posted by zinful at 7:28 PM on February 5, 2020

You recently found a boyfriend. Congratulations! Here are some related items:

* Another boyfriend
*Another boyfriend
* The same boyfriend, again somehow
* Another boyfriend
* 33 gallon drum, shampoo
posted by schmod at 7:31 PM on February 5, 2020 [53 favorites]

Teddy, 87.
Only one left in stock, order soon.

I laughed.
posted by armoir from antproof case at 7:35 PM on February 5, 2020 [8 favorites]

I quickly got suspicious when all the photos looked so crisp and professionally lit.
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:37 PM on February 5, 2020 [2 favorites]

I like that you get to choose which love language they come with.
posted by Redstart at 7:40 PM on February 5, 2020 [5 favorites]

Fits: As expected

wow ok
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:40 PM on February 5, 2020 [13 favorites]

Okay but if you go to the height selection every 6'9" says (nice) next to it

This is a masterpiece
posted by Mizu at 7:44 PM on February 5, 2020 [7 favorites]

So many hidden gems:

Cora, 78
Customer Reviews
★☆☆☆☆ DIED AFTER A FEW MONTHS
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:48 PM on February 5, 2020 [21 favorites]

The reviews are great! I didn't think there really were any at first, because the review link on the product page didn't work, but it works if you right click and open it in a new tab, or you can click on the review links on the main page.
posted by Redstart at 7:59 PM on February 5, 2020 [2 favorites]

This is bullshit. There's no pudgy, balding, 40-somethings.
posted by metametamind at 8:08 PM on February 5, 2020 [3 favorites]

I thought "oh this is cute" and then I saw a guy with a fish and I lost it. 5 stars would buy again!
posted by Ashwagandha at 8:55 PM on February 5, 2020 [3 favorites]

Are the reviews actual product reviews that have been borrowed for this??

Edit: ohmygod they are
posted by Pastor of Muppets at 10:29 PM on February 5, 2020 [7 favorites]

Oh this is great.
I clicked "your last relationship" and laughed loudly enough to probably annoy my neighbours.
posted by windykites at 10:31 PM on February 5, 2020 [5 favorites]

...Steve, in his box, has to hoard his supply of fruit juice and cereal bars, and hopes that he will be delivered quickly. He is beginning to cramp, but there are instructions for yoga stretches helpfully printed on the inside of the box....

The Velvet Underground want to talk to you ... copyright something something.
posted by rongorongo at 1:04 AM on February 6, 2020 [4 favorites]

The "Help" link sends you to the wikiHow article "How to Unhook a Bra".
posted by reductiondesign at 1:10 AM on February 6, 2020 [5 favorites]

As usual, none of the Subscribe & Save options are actually what I need.
posted by notquitemaryann at 4:11 AM on February 6, 2020 [3 favorites]

There's at least one dude listed under Amazon Basics heh
posted by fluttering hellfire at 4:59 AM on February 6, 2020 [5 favorites]

My dad sent me this this morning and I think my feelings are hurt.
posted by ChuraChura at 5:01 AM on February 6, 2020 [7 favorites]

You have to have Amazon Prime if you want to see the hot people.
posted by Autumnheart at 5:16 AM on February 6, 2020 [3 favorites]

Under "legal" is an NGA form "Non-Ghosting Agreement"
posted by Obscure Reference at 5:28 AM on February 6, 2020 [6 favorites]

I. Definition of Ghosting. For purposes of this Agreement, Ghosting shall include any unexplained withdrawal from communication for an extended period of time after a minimum of one date, wherein a date constitutes a sustained period of interaction under a romantic pretense, between the Disclosing Party and the Receiving Party. If Ghosting occurs, the effected party shall have the right to contact the breaching party until the breaching party provides an explanation, no matter its merit, for Ghosting. The effected party reserves the right to contact the breaching party through, but not limited to, the following means of digital communication: calling, texting, video chatting, emailing, direct messaging and subtweeting.
posted by snuffleupagus at 5:43 AM on February 6, 2020

Are the reviews actual product reviews that have been borrowed for this??

Are they all . . . Are they all vibrator reviews? I think they are.
posted by The Bellman at 6:15 AM on February 6, 2020 [7 favorites]

Just like in real life, there are no single men in their 40s.
posted by jacquilynne at 7:05 AM on February 6, 2020 [5 favorites]

i clearly do not shop in this store
posted by seanmpuckett at 7:13 AM on February 6, 2020

Teddy, 87, is such a sweetheart:

• doesn’t feel guilty about staying in on Saturday night
• leaves a voicemail every time
• will watch the sunset with you

His reviews are great too.
posted by fedward at 9:27 AM on February 6, 2020 [1 favorite]

This is the first dating app I’ve ever seen where none of the women are actually creepy couples looking for a third.
posted by bile and syntax at 9:39 AM on February 6, 2020 [3 favorites]

I love how Barrett is 1.5 stars.
posted by Delia at 12:29 PM on February 6, 2020 [2 favorites]

"John, 30
by Amazon Basics"

Vicious.
posted by 1adam12 at 2:13 PM on February 6, 2020 [3 favorites]

It kind of bugs me that everyone seems to have the exact same love language. Otherwise this is delightful.

Never mind, I just now realized that's a thing I can click.
posted by bunderful at 7:47 PM on February 6, 2020 [1 favorite]