Macavity routinely breaks local noise ordinances!

February 27, 2020 2:30 PM

the lyric “he’s broken every human law” implies that Macavity has committed such crimes as tax evasion, homicide, war profiteering, and quite possibly adultery interfering with a human marriage

The Mayor of the French town of Sarpourenx issued an edict forbidding people from dying within the city limits unless they'd already purchased a burial plot in the local cemetery. Macavity has ignored this edict and died within city limits at least once.

My favorite for this is perjury, which means Macavity has been under oath in a court of law and delivered a statement that the judge was able to comprehend and declare false

I'm not sure how a cat can even COMMIT bestiality

posted by aihal (88 comments total)

This thread is on the short list for best thing Twitter has ever produced. I have it bookmarked so I can go back to it when I'm having a bad day, and it has yet to fail to make me giggle.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 2:33 PM on February 27, 2020 [4 favorites]

Macavity vaped within 15 feet of the entrance of a public place or place of employment in Chicago
posted by theodolite at 2:33 PM on February 27, 2020 [10 favorites]

Good timing with this FPP, aihal. According to unconfirmed reports on Twitter yesterday, they finally caught Macavity.
posted by The Situationist Room with Guy Debord at 2:34 PM on February 27, 2020 [2 favorites]

Oh. I get it now. Macavity is Florida Cat.
posted by schmod at 2:37 PM on February 27, 2020 [20 favorites]

I'm not sure how a cat can even COMMIT bestiality

Depends on your definition:

1) "sex with an animal", so that's all that all cats ever do

2) "sex with any other species", which would also include the parents of Spock and Deanna Troi
posted by Halloween Jack at 2:39 PM on February 27, 2020 [5 favorites]

"[Every human law] presumably covers misconduct in public office, which means that at some point Macavity has run for an elected position against humans and won"
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 2:41 PM on February 27, 2020 [12 favorites]

With multilateral treaties, is it sufficient for Macavity to have violated them on behalf of just one government, or does he need to have separately done so for every signatory?

What I'm saying is that I'm impressed he violated the Agreement Governing the Activities of States on the Moon and Other Celestial Bodies by conducting weapon tests on a celestial body.
posted by Copronymus at 2:49 PM on February 27, 2020 [12 favorites]

There is so much Moon law. Macavity has:

Exercised territorial sovereignty over the Moon
Established a military base there
Failed to rescue at least one stranded astronaut
Rescued at least one other stranded astronaut, but refused to return them to their point of origin
Generated space junk from his lunar base and refused to clean it up
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 2:53 PM on February 27, 2020 [33 favorites]

I have particular concerns about the UK's Nuclear Explosions (Prohibition and Inspections) Act 1998. Fortunately the lyric doesn't specify "every clause of every human law" so Macavity may only have violated clause 7 by obstructing UN weapons inspectors conducting a site inspection pursuant to the Comprehensive Test Ban Treaty, and hasn't necessarily unlawfully detonated a nuclear weapon on UK territory (or affecting UK persons). Even so, bad kitty.
posted by Slogby at 2:55 PM on February 27, 2020 [22 favorites]

Generated space junk from his lunar base

We've swerved from Macavity to Ziggy Stardust.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 2:57 PM on February 27, 2020 [10 favorites]

"[Every human law] presumably covers misconduct in public office, which means that at some point Macavity has run for an elected position against humans and won"

The political elections are bad enough, but I really want to see the process by which he was elected Patriarch of Constantinople without being a Turkish citizen by birth (I mean, I get the not being a Turkish citizen part). Really slipshod work from the Standing Synod of Metropolitan Bishops there.
posted by Copronymus at 3:05 PM on February 27, 2020 [24 favorites]

Rescued at least one other stranded astronaut, but refused to return them to their point of origin

Almost all of these would make for better movies than Cats, and that would be at #1 with a bullet.
posted by Halloween Jack at 3:06 PM on February 27, 2020 [18 favorites]

I mean, every human law? I'm trying to recall that time Macavity used federal funds to pay for an abortion for a woman whose life was not in danger, and who was not a victim of rape or incest, but it's not coming to mind.
posted by The Bellman at 3:12 PM on February 27, 2020 [1 favorite]

"sex with any other species", which would also include the parents of Spock and Deanna Troi

Who is Spock Troi
posted by Freelance Demiurge at 3:24 PM on February 27, 2020 [18 favorites]

Laura K Buzz has a comprehensive list.
posted by tobascodagama at 3:24 PM on February 27, 2020

How about barratry? Has he deliberately sunk a ship that he owns in order to steal its cargo?
posted by kafziel at 3:40 PM on February 27, 2020 [6 favorites]

I don't think cats are fully versed in human law, so these are "laws" as cats would understand them. Like, Macavity crept inside the big house and stole a fish from the kitchen counter! Macavity pissed in the yard of the mean old man! These kinds of things would make Macavity a real badass to other cats. I don't think they're in awe of him for his parking tickets.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 3:51 PM on February 27, 2020 [8 favorites]

McCavity, apparently a Turkish citizen, has insulted the memory of Mustafa Kemal Atatürk.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 3:52 PM on February 27, 2020 [12 favorites]

I have it on good authority he has worn a suit of armour in the British Parliament. Whether this was before or after sundry chewing gum offences in Singapore I know not.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 3:55 PM on February 27, 2020 [3 favorites]

Also, McCavity has broken the Law of Demeter by writing code with components that are entangled AF.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 3:55 PM on February 27, 2020 [3 favorites]

Does this include violations of the Bro Code, to include but not limited to the favoring of Hos over said Bros?
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 3:57 PM on February 27, 2020 [2 favorites]

McCavity has brought produce into Hawaii without filling out the little form on the airplane.
posted by Joey Michaels at 4:04 PM on February 27, 2020 [8 favorites]

McCavity has brought a non-self-propelled vessel into a seaway without an operational anchor, and without attaching it to one or more adequate tugs.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 4:05 PM on February 27, 2020 [2 favorites]

McCavity has changed the volume of a fixed amount of an ideal gas kept at a fixed temperature without a proportional change in pressure.
posted by zombiedance at 4:24 PM on February 27, 2020 [19 favorites]

McCavity has most definitely handled salmon in suspicious circumstances.
posted by WaylandSmith at 4:52 PM on February 27, 2020 [1 favorite]

to be fair Macavity probably has set a mousetrap without a hunting license in the state of California
posted by taquito sunrise at 4:53 PM on February 27, 2020 [1 favorite]

McCavity has changed the volume of a fixed amount of an ideal gas kept at a fixed temperature without a proportional change in pressure.

If "human law" means not just laws humans have made but laws humans are aware of, the list of McCavity's crimes gets a whole lot longer and weirder.
posted by straight at 5:02 PM on February 27, 2020 [9 favorites]

I'm almost certain Macavity has not broken Rule 34, but I'd rather not check.
posted by HeroZero at 5:05 PM on February 27, 2020 [10 favorites]

He didn't allow a human to come to harm which doesn't count because that's a robot law.
posted by bleep at 5:16 PM on February 27, 2020 [4 favorites]

I bet the bureau of weights and measures hates that guy.
posted by mhoye at 5:24 PM on February 27, 2020 [1 favorite]

He contributed more than the maximum amount to his 401K for the calendar year.
posted by paper chromatographologist at 5:25 PM on February 27, 2020 [6 favorites]

Did Macavity Break Betteridge's Law of Headlines? Is He Still Breaking It Even Now?
And Now?
Miaou?
posted by miles per flower at 5:44 PM on February 27, 2020 [10 favorites]

Macavity has eaten pork, shellfish, and cheeseburgers, all of which are contrary to Kosher laws. Because Macavity can haz cheeseburger.
posted by beagle at 5:49 PM on February 27, 2020 [6 favorites]

RIP Newtonian Physics
posted by snuffleupagus at 5:57 PM on February 27, 2020 [1 favorite]

If "human law" means not just laws humans have made but laws humans are aware of, the list of McCavity's crimes gets a whole lot longer and weirder.

What I take from 'He's broken every human law, he breaks the law of gravity' is that you're right and Macavity is awesome.
posted by roolya_boolya at 5:59 PM on February 27, 2020 [4 favorites]

macavity bought a dildo in alabama and he's not sorry
posted by poffin boffin at 6:14 PM on February 27, 2020 [5 favorites]

Visited a quarantined llama without permission
Did not report a train wreck
Refused to stop a conveyor belt before putting explosives on it
Sponsored a cockfight
Left the Carolinas with a pickling cucumber
Hunted coots in the Dale Bumpers with an animatronic decoy
Traded onion futures
Sold frozen dinners with misleading pictures
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 6:30 PM on February 27, 2020 [8 favorites]

Christ, what an asshole...
posted by Windopaene at 6:38 PM on February 27, 2020 [7 favorites]

Macavity relitigated the 2016 primary.
posted by Foosnark at 6:51 PM on February 27, 2020 [17 favorites]

The unscrupulous prevaricator, Macavity, has incited public panic through false warnings of inclement weather and lulled the public into a false sense of security through deceptive assurances of sunny skies.
posted by MonkeyToes at 6:52 PM on February 27, 2020 [3 favorites]

Macavity must be immortal, for he has broken even the first laws proposed by man, e.g. the Hammurabi code. He at some point had a dam and was too apathetic to keep it in primly condition, and it broke, and he was sold into slavery, and the proceeds were used to replace the destroyed crops.

Of course, being the time of Hammurabi, he was also dismembered and put to death several times, so I'm thinking he's more like a vampire, and can reassemble himself slowly even when pulverized into goo. (For more information see the deleted scenes on the Cats DVD)
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 7:05 PM on February 27, 2020 [7 favorites]

Mail-fraud Macavity!
posted by SoberHighland at 7:09 PM on February 27, 2020

In the time of chimpanzees he was a monkey.
posted by bleep at 7:11 PM on February 27, 2020 [7 favorites]

Additional thought: Macavity had specifically owned another Cat and not microchipped them.

Given that Macavity is himself also a cat, it feels like it would be worse if he did microchip the other cats he has apparently enslaved.
posted by mstokes650 at 7:11 PM on February 27, 2020 [5 favorites]

I would like to take part in these japes and tomfooleries but what is a Macavity?
posted by fiercekitten at 7:22 PM on February 27, 2020

Macavity participated in a 2,000 comment long vitriolic forum war and neither Hitler nor the Nazis were mentioned, no, not once.

someone compared a participant to Gabriele D'Annunzio
posted by the man of twists and turns at 7:26 PM on February 27, 2020 [8 favorites]

Dammit people the song doesn't say he broke every human social convention or rule of thumb, get it together.
posted by mhoye at 7:28 PM on February 27, 2020 [3 favorites]

Macavity posted a self-link on metafilter.
posted by dazed_one at 7:37 PM on February 27, 2020 [10 favorites]

That is why he is banned.

But he came back. Nevertheless he persisted.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 7:41 PM on February 27, 2020 [4 favorites]

Macavity paddled the school canoe, you better believe that's a paddlin'
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 8:04 PM on February 27, 2020 [1 favorite]

This is really begging for a feature-length Puss-in-Boots tale, except shown as vignettes. Maybe there's other plot going on throughout, but it should just be various directors or animators trying their damnedest to top the next.
posted by explosion at 8:18 PM on February 27, 2020 [3 favorites]

Macavity went to a second class city and got elected to the position of president of the common council and when acting as mayor in consequence of the absence or sickness of the mayor exercised power of appointment or removal from office even though such sickness or absence had not yet continued for a period of thirty days, that scamp!
posted by moonmilk at 8:48 PM on February 27, 2020 [2 favorites]

Macavity brought a package of jerky into Japan without the proper paperwork
posted by DoctorFedora at 9:25 PM on February 27, 2020 [2 favorites]

Macavity has committed various crimes against humanity including genocide. More specifically he has apparently participated in the Holocaust and denied the Holocaust within Germany whilst wearing Nazi uniform and symbols. See also the Armenians and the intentional spreading of smallpox amongst the Native American population.

Macavity is a monster.
posted by jaduncan at 9:36 PM on February 27, 2020 [1 favorite]

Damn that cat has a good lawyer.

Otherwise he'd be serving nine consecutive life sentences.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 9:37 PM on February 27, 2020 [6 favorites]

Cute. Just remember he has bribed and intimidated jury members and relevant witnesses.
posted by jaduncan at 9:42 PM on February 27, 2020 [3 favorites]

he was also dismembered and put to death several times, so I'm thinking he's more like a vampire, and can reassemble himself slowly even when pulverized into goo

This just makes me wonder if Macavity is Schrödinger's cat.
posted by nubs at 9:54 PM on February 27, 2020 [3 favorites]

Of course, being the time of Hammurabi, he was also dismembered and put to death several times

We know he's broken every human law, yet we don't know if he's ever been tried and sentenced for any of his crimes. I suspect he is a fugitive from every justice.
posted by otherchaz at 10:23 PM on February 27, 2020 [9 favorites]

Macavity must own a drive-in theatre in Delaware at which he has played adult movies.

He has also changed the weather in Colorado without getting a permit.

And of course, he's had a tarot card and palm-reading business in several states.
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 10:48 PM on February 27, 2020

We know he's broken every human law, yet we don't know if he's ever been tried and sentenced for any of his crimes.

Interestingly, though he may have never stood trial, he has certainly conducted at least a few of them, because is guilty of failure to file annual finance statements while serving on the federal bench.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 11:10 PM on February 27, 2020 [16 favorites]

UK Edition:

Macavity flew kites while on a crowded street.

Macavity did not offer the ambergris of a beached whale to the Crown.

Macavity handled salmon under suspicious circumstances (seems about right, really).

Macavity used a cow while drunk.

Macavity shook a carpet while on the streets after 8AM in Metropolitan London.

Macavity gambled in a public library.

Macavity places his postage stamps upside down, therefore defacing the reigning monarch.
posted by LeRoienJaune at 11:15 PM on February 27, 2020 [4 favorites]

The full line is:

He's broken every human law, he breaks the law of gravity.

So Macavity even managed to construct a proposition that is false and whose negation is false.
posted by vacapinta at 11:24 PM on February 27, 2020 [4 favorites]

Did he break Australian laws? If so, he must have:

- possessed more than 50 kilograms of potatoes
- worn pink hot pants after midday on a Sunday
- ridden a goat (in some states)
- sung an obscene song in a public space (relevant for Cats)
- flown a kite in a public place which annoyed another person
- disrupted a wedding
- killed a homing pigeon
- splashed a bus passenger with a puddle
- crushed a beer can between his naked breasts
posted by greenhornet at 11:29 PM on February 27, 2020 [5 favorites]

Macavity has illegally insulted the king of Thailand by placing Thai cash into his shoes
posted by DoctorFedora at 12:06 AM on February 28, 2020 [4 favorites]

> "We know he's broken every human law, yet we don't know if he's ever been tried and sentenced for any of his crimes."

Of course he hasn't!

Macavity's a Mystery Cat: he's called the Hidden Paw -
For he's the master criminal who can defy the Law.
He's the bafflement of Scotland Yard, the Flying Squad's despair:
For when they reach the scene of crime - Macavity's not there!

I swear, it sometimes seems like none of you are properly researching this extremely important matter with reference to the original source material and adequate footnotes.
posted by kyrademon at 1:19 AM on February 28, 2020 [26 favorites]

Macavity's not anywhere. As his name implies, he's the son of emptiness, the spawn of nullity, a knot in the not. Macavity is the law he breaks.
posted by pracowity at 3:48 AM on February 28, 2020 [9 favorites]

And yet, Macavity has been charged with resisting arrest, contempt of court, violating parole, escaping prison, damaging state and federal property while escaping from prison, committing violence while escaping prison, and assisting in prison escape.
posted by Foosnark at 5:56 AM on February 28, 2020 [3 favorites]

Foosnark: That was Macavity doing a "The Ususal Suspects" thing because he was bored and thought it seemed like a laugh. Several law enforcement officials resigned when they realized that they had not only captured, interrogated, tried, imprisoned, and allowed to break out of prison, a fucking cat, but that they had done all this without realizing the cat was the single most wanted feline in the history of law enforcement.
posted by Grimgrin at 6:12 AM on February 28, 2020 [10 favorites]

This might be my favorite internet thing ever.
posted by The_Vegetables at 7:34 AM on February 28, 2020 [2 favorites]

Macavity's not anywhere. As his name implies, he's the son of emptiness, the spawn of nullity, a knot in the not. Macavity is the law he breaks.
posted by pracowity

I mean, yeah. You may seek him in the basement, you may look up in the air, but he is not. there.
posted by fiercecupcake at 8:17 AM on February 28, 2020 [1 favorite]

Macavity downloaded a car.
posted by wordless reply at 8:48 AM on February 28, 2020 [10 favorites]

I remember the absolute scenes when he committed every offence possible under Western Australia's Marketing of Potatoes Act 1946 and Marketing of Potatoes Regulations 1987 (as amended in 2003, 2008, 2011, and 2016). Thank god the NZ Hovercraft Act of 1971 was revoked back in 2008, else he'd really be in a power of shit with the cops.
posted by inflatablekiwi at 8:51 AM on February 28, 2020 [4 favorites]

Macavity is still producing asbestos containing materials (ACM) with >1% asbestos fiber.
posted by fiercecupcake at 11:47 AM on February 28, 2020 [4 favorites]

Macavity has owned a greater than 10% interest in both a funeral home and an organ broker business at the same time in the state of Colorado.
posted by invitapriore at 3:38 PM on February 28, 2020 [1 favorite]

Macavity talked about fight club.
posted by moonmilk at 4:00 PM on February 28, 2020 [2 favorites]

In my home province, Macavity has:

-painted a wooden ladder;
-set fire to the leg of a wooden-legged man.

In Canada, he has:

-issued a challenge to a duel and also accepted a challenge to a duel;
-scared the Queen;
-removed a band-aid in public;

It's quite possible that he's combining his efforts by doing things like scaring the Queen while removing a band-aid in public.
posted by nubs at 5:20 PM on February 28, 2020 [2 favorites]

Macavity removes mattress tags.
posted by snuffleupagus at 6:10 PM on February 28, 2020

It’s legal for consumers to remove mattress tags, which implies, more worryingly, that Macavity has operated a mattress retailer
posted by DoctorFedora at 8:38 PM on February 28, 2020 [9 favorites]

Metafilter: in a power of shit
posted by Sauce Trough at 10:51 PM on February 28, 2020 [3 favorites]

Look, he's got to have some kind of venue for his multitude of labor and workplace safety violations.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 5:46 AM on February 29, 2020 [4 favorites]

Look, he's got to have some kind of venue for his multitude of labor and workplace safety violations.

I have only just now and because of this comment realized that since they lyrics are “when they reach the scene of crime” - as opposed to “of the crime” - the implication is that in the Cats universe all crimes including Macavity’s occur in one place that the police are apparently not watching 24/7 for reasons somebody needs to be held to account for.
posted by mhoye at 1:51 PM on February 29, 2020 [2 favorites]

The fact that dereliction of duty is itself a crime under human law implies in turn that Macavity is actually a cop, in this essay I will
posted by mhoye at 3:01 PM on February 29, 2020 [1 favorite]

Taken together, those facts lead to one inescapable conclusion: Macavity is not just a cop but the one who's supposed to be in charge of his own case.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 3:12 PM on February 29, 2020 [4 favorites]

Metafilter: one or more adequate tugs
posted by Sauce Trough at 9:44 PM on February 29, 2020 [1 favorite]

Rum tum tugs?
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:45 PM on February 29, 2020 [1 favorite]

Taken together, those facts lead to one inescapable conclusion: Macavity is not just a cop but the one who's supposed to be in charge of his own case.

I'm not saying Macavity is necessarily caught up in the inscrutable web of undercover cops and addicts from A Scanner Darkly, but I will say that him being a character in a Dick novel would explain how he can commit crimes that require him to be in so many different roles almost at once.
posted by Copronymus at 11:57 PM on February 29, 2020 [1 favorite]

It’s legal for consumers to remove mattress tags, which implies, more worryingly, that Macavity has operated a mattress retailer

Or that he just removes your tags without any concern for such whimsical human conceits.

If Macavity has ever had a mattress, presumably he stole it.
posted by snuffleupagus at 5:35 AM on March 1, 2020

Also, although not a law, when he posts on Metafilter, he absolutely does not help maintain a healthy, respectful discussion by focusing comments on the issues, topics, and facts at hand—not at other members of the site.
posted by inflatablekiwi at 11:27 AM on March 3, 2020 [4 favorites]