Houseplants for Audiophiles

April 1, 2021 8:53 AM

Audiophiles spend countless hours deciding on the right loudspeaker, amps, stands, cables, and layout for their listening room. But what about plants? Audio equipment critic John Darko walks his viewers through which houseplants are best for listening room placement, and how different plants can affect the listening experience.
posted by thecjm (28 comments total)

"But I'm not set in my ways enough to say I'm just going to use cacti..."

This is pretty good.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 9:24 AM on April 1, 2021

Houseplants for my listening room? Baffling.

I thoroughly enjoyed Darko's commitment to the subject matter. Very well played, with some great (improvised) insights.
posted by prinado at 9:30 AM on April 1, 2021 [7 favorites]

Are his reviews of USB cables parodies as well?
posted by paper chromatographologist at 9:39 AM on April 1, 2021 [2 favorites]

well it's worth a try.. I have a recovering-Mensa friend and he just might allow himself to buy into this delightful bullshit.
posted by elkevelvet at 9:49 AM on April 1, 2021 [1 favorite]

Anything about how the magnesium in the plant's chlorophyll must be mono-isotopic?
posted by thatwhichfalls at 9:51 AM on April 1, 2021 [3 favorites]

I've found that spider plants improve the coloration of my soundstage almost as much as my 0000 gauge speaker wires (that are, of course, held above the floor with $200 apiece cable stands to avoid excess capacimation.)
posted by drstrangelove at 10:03 AM on April 1, 2021 [3 favorites]

This is total bullshit. Plants convert CO2 to O2. CO2 has a higher mass than O2, thus the overall mass of the air is decreasing. Given the lower mass, the excitation of the air will increase over a different frequency spectrum than the mass of the leaves, which is relatively constant, though he fails to mention the change in leaf size over time, requiring recalibration of the whole system periodically given the different growth rates of the plants. This whole unstable system can be stabilized by replacing the plants with sculptures with branches and leaf-like structures that mimic the mass to distribution profiles of real plants. Our company, provides these audio sculpting devices in three series, low, mid, and high. Each series has different sizes to match your system output profiles in watts. The metal leaves are available in different metal finishes to match your decor. Plus, once placed and calibrated, these devices require no care, unlike plants, except careful dusting with genuine chamois cloths, available from us. Handmade, artisanal, and sustainable. No power required. Green. Etc. and so forth.
posted by njohnson23 at 10:09 AM on April 1, 2021 [10 favorites]

This is total bullshit. Plants convert CO2 to O2. CO2 has a higher mass than O2,

This is why I fill my listening room with N2O, for better bass response and articulation. The sound staging is incredible.
posted by loquacious at 10:44 AM on April 1, 2021 [12 favorites]

Houseplants for my listening room? Baffling.

I see what you did there.

I’m listening.
posted by notoriety public at 11:02 AM on April 1, 2021 [3 favorites]

Oxygen-free philodendron is the only way to go.
posted by Thorzdad at 11:32 AM on April 1, 2021

What absolute nonsense. If you want to hear what your music sounds like as designed by the artist and your plants, then go ahead and follow this approach. Or just tweek the knobs on your equalizer and don't bother with the plants.

If you want to hear the music in its purest form, you need broad-band plants with the flattest possible absorption curve throughout the house. Romanesco broccoli in season, hedgehog iceplant or crassula and something fine and multi-path to absorb the very high end - say, garden moss - the rest of the year. Nothing beats a good, thick lichen-on-rotting-wood wall covering, but that requires more effort than casual listeners are probably willing to spend.
posted by eotvos at 11:37 AM on April 1, 2021 [1 favorite]

No true audiophile is going to try to re-create the true musical experience with a single biosphere represented. Vinyl pressed in the american south will sound brittle surrounded by plants for zones 3-5; and those pressed in the north atlantic region will sound wilted in a room even lined with zone 8 perennials. This article's a joke.
posted by OHenryPacey at 12:00 PM on April 1, 2021 [11 favorites]

True audiophiles know that music is best enjoyed in the vacuum of space. As the kids say, this is gonna blow your mind.
posted by biogeo at 12:05 PM on April 1, 2021 [1 favorite]

There's an often mocked subset of the modular synth community that makes ambient, generative music videos where their gear is surrounded by houseplants, especially succulents. Now I guess I understand the trend a little better.
posted by Foosnark at 12:19 PM on April 1, 2021 [1 favorite]

Everyone knows that the best plants to have in the room while listening to music are pot plants. Duh.
posted by Splunge at 12:26 PM on April 1, 2021 [4 favorites]

If you want to hear the music in its purest form, you need broad-band plants with the flattest possible absorption curve throughout the house.

You'll also want to use Stevie Wonder's Journey Through the Secret Life of Plants as your reference recording.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 12:29 PM on April 1, 2021

Monster Plants, of course.
posted by CheeseDigestsAll at 12:29 PM on April 1, 2021 [1 favorite]

This is why I fill my listening room with N2O, for better bass response and articulation. The sound staging is incredible.

I think the nitrogen/oxygen/CO2 ratios are a far less important factor than the humidity. You've got to be concerned both about how humidity affects the functioning of your gear and the acoustic affects of humidity on the room. So it's essential to have a humidity-controlled environment for all your components separate from your listening space, because obviously the optimal humidity for listening is gonna be a disaster for component function.

So you're gonna want plants that thrive at the proper acoustic humidity for your latitude and elevation.

And obviously vinyl, magnetic tape, optical media, and wax cylinders each have their own optimal storage temperature and humidity levels that need to be kept separate from all of the above.
posted by straight at 12:45 PM on April 1, 2021 [1 favorite]

Step 1: Infiltrate the homes of audiophiles.

Step 2: Extract revenge on behalf of your brethren who were cut down and carved into wooden knobs.
posted by evidenceofabsence at 12:46 PM on April 1, 2021 [2 favorites]

You've got to be concerned both about how humidity affects the functioning of your gear and the acoustic affects of humidity on the room.

I for one was shocked that he holds himself out to be a home audio expert while failing to take into account the effect the humidity levels in the room will have on the plants' stomatal responses, which in turn affect bass and treble response, and how to properly calibrate your system's EQ with an accurate pro audio-grade hygrometer.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 12:52 PM on April 1, 2021 [2 favorites]

The best plant to enjoy your music with is the one you smoke.

Gold plated optical cables for chumps.
posted by adept256 at 1:18 PM on April 1, 2021

Some people would be afraid of listening with plants around. On the other hand, a lot of people are putting googly eyes on their cactus.
posted by kinnakeet at 2:43 PM on April 1, 2021

My listening room is filled with liquid helium 3 - a superfluid with zero viscosity, although it means the temperature has to be kept close to absolute zero.
I have downloaded myself to a crystal of shocked diamond the size of your first, threaded with fine wires of beryllium. My eardrums are meter wide disks of single layered neutronium.
Mannheim Steamroller has never sounded better.
posted by thatwhichfalls at 3:03 PM on April 1, 2021 [5 favorites]

This is total bullshit. Plants convert CO2 to O2.

Only when exposed to light. In the dark, they burn O₂ to extract energy from sugars and produce CO₂.
posted by porpoise at 4:41 PM on April 1, 2021

Only when exposed to light. In the dark, they burn O2 to extract energy from sugars and produce CO2

This only confirms why plants are not a reliable means of modifying the acoustic behavior of your system in your listening room. Tropical hardwood blocks placed near your amplifier coupled with gold plated power cables and stainless steel cup holders are far superior.
posted by njohnson23 at 6:27 PM on April 1, 2021

I wonder if he ever plays any records by The Roots
posted by Dokterrock at 10:05 PM on April 1, 2021 [1 favorite]

My listening room is filled with liquid helium 3

I've long joked with colleagues that if science doesn't work out as a career, I'll try to sell superconducting consumer audio cable installation. The real money is in the liquid helium delivery subscription.

(I'm sure you meant helium-4. But, one neutron off is close enough for the high end audio industry. If we could find a way to sell consumers rooms full of helium-3, we'd really have a lucrative business model.)
posted by eotvos at 8:48 AM on April 2, 2021

No audiophile would accept bosons as their sound transmission fluid - have you seen what they do the the high frequency harmonics? Until we can produce quark fluid at scale it has to be fermions.
posted by thatwhichfalls at 10:47 AM on April 2, 2021