What is your name?
November 8, 2021 1:40 PM Subscribe
Name is a blog post from ND Stevenson (author and artist of many fine books) about navigating being trans and trying to figure out what to call yourself.
I've been following Stevenson's new blog, I'm Fine I'm Fine Just Understand, since it started, and there's been several other excellent posts. I wish the author much hope for the future, as well as opportunities to make TV shows as fine as She-Ra.
posted by Quasirandom at 3:04 PM on November 8, 2021 [5 favorites]
posted by Quasirandom at 3:04 PM on November 8, 2021 [5 favorites]
Yep. Names are hard. I ended up naming myself after the dragon lady I played on Furrymuck as a way to explore being a woman; "Peganthyrus" shortens to "Peggy", which can be expanded back into the world of names relatively normal for a white Gen-X lady from America as "Margaret", and that's what's on my ID now.
I tried some Cool Names for a little while but really, I knew it was gonna be "Peggy" as I'd become comfortable with that for several years already.
posted by egypturnash at 4:07 PM on November 8, 2021 [11 favorites]
I tried some Cool Names for a little while but really, I knew it was gonna be "Peggy" as I'd become comfortable with that for several years already.
posted by egypturnash at 4:07 PM on November 8, 2021 [11 favorites]
I know a large group of teenagers whose genders are in flux; it's fascinating hearing their names change, then change again, as they try out different ones as in this piece. I imagine that some will stumble onto their forever names, and others will continue to have for-right-now names.
posted by The corpse in the library at 4:11 PM on November 8, 2021 [3 favorites]
posted by The corpse in the library at 4:11 PM on November 8, 2021 [3 favorites]
or many names simultaneously
posted by kokaku at 4:27 PM on November 8, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by kokaku at 4:27 PM on November 8, 2021 [1 favorite]
ND Stevenson Is a goddam treasure.
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:40 PM on November 8, 2021 [7 favorites]
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:40 PM on November 8, 2021 [7 favorites]
This is how I've felt about pronouns since I transitioned a good while ago. Some are wrong for me. None are especially right. Which is fine, except that there's sort of an ambient hope that I'll someday find exactly the right one and love it forever and ever. I don't even know if I'm doing the hoping or if the culture around me is, but it's there
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:49 PM on November 8, 2021 [4 favorites]
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:49 PM on November 8, 2021 [4 favorites]
Totally agree about ND being amazing. She-Ra is so important for queer representation.
I had the chance in my life to choose a new name when I converted to Judaism. It took me decades to stop worrying about whether people would question my worthiness to be part of my community as someone who wasn't 'born Jewish' (whatever that even means).
I got to choose a new English name when I transitioned. I am pretty happy with my choice; I'll probably never meet someone else with my truename. That's in stark contrast to my deadname, which I hear everywhere. I hope that someday, I'll stop worrying about whether I'll be as accepted as someone 'born a woman' (whatever that even means).
And I got to choose a new Hebrew name as well, or rather, I got to approve the one my rabbi suggested: Yekira Keshet. Precious Rainbow. It was very sweet of him to pick that.
Not a bad journey. I look back at papers and reports with my dead name, and it just seems wrong seeing it there. I'm not him anymore, if I ever really was.
Names have power, both old and new. I hope ND finds a good one :)
posted by Flight Hardware, do not touch at 6:07 PM on November 8, 2021 [11 favorites]
I had the chance in my life to choose a new name when I converted to Judaism. It took me decades to stop worrying about whether people would question my worthiness to be part of my community as someone who wasn't 'born Jewish' (whatever that even means).
I got to choose a new English name when I transitioned. I am pretty happy with my choice; I'll probably never meet someone else with my truename. That's in stark contrast to my deadname, which I hear everywhere. I hope that someday, I'll stop worrying about whether I'll be as accepted as someone 'born a woman' (whatever that even means).
And I got to choose a new Hebrew name as well, or rather, I got to approve the one my rabbi suggested: Yekira Keshet. Precious Rainbow. It was very sweet of him to pick that.
Not a bad journey. I look back at papers and reports with my dead name, and it just seems wrong seeing it there. I'm not him anymore, if I ever really was.
Names have power, both old and new. I hope ND finds a good one :)
posted by Flight Hardware, do not touch at 6:07 PM on November 8, 2021 [11 favorites]
Oof. This captures my own experience pretty well; I've gone back and forth on the issue of my name over and over again. I feel very strongly on one level that any name a non-binary person uses is inherently a non-binary name, and it's on everyone else to get over their instinctive gendering of names. But every time I get misgendered at work in spite of having had that conversation over and over again in the year since I came out (and having my pronouns plastered across every work platform I use), I can't help but wonder if that would happen less often if I'd decided to change to a more masculine or gender-neutral name.
But I can't think of one that fits! The masculine version of my given name is already the name of the most prominent trans man in my social circle and it would feel very weird taking that as my name too. It would also feel weird picking the same name as literally any other man I work with, in a company of ~400 people. Even though I know that people are given the same names as other people all the time! I guess it just feels weird because I'd be choosing to call myself that name, rather than having been given it when I was born. And even of the options that feel slightly better, none of them are such an amazingly good fit that I feel really drawn to them.
I also have a weird vein of still feeling controlled by my controlling parents (one of whom is dead!) on this. I feel like if I named myself, it ought to be a name that's culturally and contextually plausible for the family and era in which I was born. My mother in particular has a strong distaste for what she calls "made-up names" (a list which includes names that people in the country where I grew up and live have been called for several hundred years and a distaste which is on some level almost certainly a class thing). And for some reason I still feel constrained by being raised by someone with those beliefs that I don't feel like I could seriously consider a more out-there name (like ND Stevenson's "cool names" experimentation).
I've also had some weird experiences with people who I think were genuinely trying to be supportive asking if I planned to change my name around the time I changed my pronouns, with a vibe of "if you're going to be changing several things, it would be easier for me if you could just do it all at once". Which isn't how internal personal timelines around transitioning really work. And I was already socialised with such a deep-seated belief that it's my job to be as pleasing and convenient to other people as well that it was hard to transition to the extent that I have at all; overt or subtle pressure to make that change as easy as possible on the people around me tends to leave me feeling like I don't have the space or levity to experiment, like I have to be absolutely sure and 100% committed before I announce a change or try anything out with other people.
In short, I haven't felt a lot of scope to be playful with my identity, and that includes never having really done the trying-out-another-identity-online thing - probably the closest I've come is playing almost exclusively male characters in the main online game I'm involved in, but they all have stupid and implausible names.
Ultimately, the name I've had for 30+ years now is the cluster of sounds I'm used to being addressed by. I don't love that it has exclusively female connotations in the culture I'm immersed in, and I really don't love the assumptions that those connotations cause people to make about me despite me signalling as hard as I can in every other way that I am not what you assume I am in spite of the name I carry. But I've yet to find something that fits anywhere near as well, or feels at all natural, and frankly I'm still struggling with the idea that this is something I have the power or permission to do for myself, even as I've made just enough space in my life to give myself the power and permission to half-assedly transition (albeit in a way that doesn't feel like it's stuck anywhere near as much as I'd like).
In short, it's rough. And this is a comic that says a lot of things I've been thinking and feeling on that subject in way fewer words.
posted by terretu at 1:42 AM on November 9, 2021 [10 favorites]
But I can't think of one that fits! The masculine version of my given name is already the name of the most prominent trans man in my social circle and it would feel very weird taking that as my name too. It would also feel weird picking the same name as literally any other man I work with, in a company of ~400 people. Even though I know that people are given the same names as other people all the time! I guess it just feels weird because I'd be choosing to call myself that name, rather than having been given it when I was born. And even of the options that feel slightly better, none of them are such an amazingly good fit that I feel really drawn to them.
I also have a weird vein of still feeling controlled by my controlling parents (one of whom is dead!) on this. I feel like if I named myself, it ought to be a name that's culturally and contextually plausible for the family and era in which I was born. My mother in particular has a strong distaste for what she calls "made-up names" (a list which includes names that people in the country where I grew up and live have been called for several hundred years and a distaste which is on some level almost certainly a class thing). And for some reason I still feel constrained by being raised by someone with those beliefs that I don't feel like I could seriously consider a more out-there name (like ND Stevenson's "cool names" experimentation).
I've also had some weird experiences with people who I think were genuinely trying to be supportive asking if I planned to change my name around the time I changed my pronouns, with a vibe of "if you're going to be changing several things, it would be easier for me if you could just do it all at once". Which isn't how internal personal timelines around transitioning really work. And I was already socialised with such a deep-seated belief that it's my job to be as pleasing and convenient to other people as well that it was hard to transition to the extent that I have at all; overt or subtle pressure to make that change as easy as possible on the people around me tends to leave me feeling like I don't have the space or levity to experiment, like I have to be absolutely sure and 100% committed before I announce a change or try anything out with other people.
In short, I haven't felt a lot of scope to be playful with my identity, and that includes never having really done the trying-out-another-identity-online thing - probably the closest I've come is playing almost exclusively male characters in the main online game I'm involved in, but they all have stupid and implausible names.
Ultimately, the name I've had for 30+ years now is the cluster of sounds I'm used to being addressed by. I don't love that it has exclusively female connotations in the culture I'm immersed in, and I really don't love the assumptions that those connotations cause people to make about me despite me signalling as hard as I can in every other way that I am not what you assume I am in spite of the name I carry. But I've yet to find something that fits anywhere near as well, or feels at all natural, and frankly I'm still struggling with the idea that this is something I have the power or permission to do for myself, even as I've made just enough space in my life to give myself the power and permission to half-assedly transition (albeit in a way that doesn't feel like it's stuck anywhere near as much as I'd like).
In short, it's rough. And this is a comic that says a lot of things I've been thinking and feeling on that subject in way fewer words.
posted by terretu at 1:42 AM on November 9, 2021 [10 favorites]
That is lovely. I am cis with a name (first middle last) of which I dislike every component. And yet, my name is somehow such an intrinsic part of my identity. As it happens, I do not want to change my identity and there's no real mismatch between my external and internal identities. So I'm stuck with them on the basis that for me, the alternative would be worse. I have at least become almost tolerant of my last name. Interestingly, I also 'am' my metafilter pseudonym to almost the same extent.
It is really interesting to hear about other people's name journeys, especially from people whose names are, like mine, somehow vital to their identity, and people who have completely the opposite experience and wear their names lightly.
posted by plonkee at 5:56 AM on November 9, 2021
It is really interesting to hear about other people's name journeys, especially from people whose names are, like mine, somehow vital to their identity, and people who have completely the opposite experience and wear their names lightly.
posted by plonkee at 5:56 AM on November 9, 2021
I hope the name emerges and feels right. I think ND / Endy has potential, too.
posted by Lookinguppy at 7:02 AM on November 9, 2021
posted by Lookinguppy at 7:02 AM on November 9, 2021
it ought to be a name that's culturally and contextually plausible for the family and era in which I was born.
I didn't really think about this enough before picking my name. Now I get the 'so is your family from the UK?' because of a name that is relatively common over there and basically unknown here.
posted by Flight Hardware, do not touch at 2:02 PM on November 9, 2021
I didn't really think about this enough before picking my name. Now I get the 'so is your family from the UK?' because of a name that is relatively common over there and basically unknown here.
posted by Flight Hardware, do not touch at 2:02 PM on November 9, 2021
I feel very strongly on one level that any name a non-binary person uses is inherently a non-binary name, and it's on everyone else to get over their instinctive gendering of names. But every time I get misgendered at work in spite of having had that conversation over and over again in the year since I came out (and having my pronouns plastered across every work platform I use), I can't help but wonder if that would happen less often if I'd decided to change to a more masculine or gender-neutral name.
I changed to a gender neutral name (standard nature word that isn't actually used as a name normally so hasn't gotten a gender association). And I even did it before getting hired at my current job. I get misgendered constantly. People are just terrible about both using they/them pronouns (or anything more complex than that) and about using anything other than what they assume they should use for you in the first split second they see you.
My zoom screen is basically "Berry (they/them)" and people still have no idea what to do with that.
For me, I'd never liked my given name. I experimented with different names as a kid, but my dad discouraged it and unfortunately when I let that go I forgot for a long time. As an adult when I gave myself permission to find a new name I got some input of ideas from my spouse and kid (with a bit of veto power for names they hated too) because names often come from family and I wanted them to be part of it. With a short list, I looked up meanings, sat with them a bit, asked them to try out one or two. And one of them felt good enough. Not amazing, but fine. And the thing is, that's probably the best any brand new name could feel-- new names are just weird and uncomfortable and I don't like new things. So I let it be fine and got used to it and let more people know to call me my new name and eventually went through the process to have it be my official name. A few years later this name actually feels good, like the name I probably should've had all along. The discomfort was just part of the process.
posted by blueberry monster at 10:05 AM on November 10, 2021 [1 favorite]
I changed to a gender neutral name (standard nature word that isn't actually used as a name normally so hasn't gotten a gender association). And I even did it before getting hired at my current job. I get misgendered constantly. People are just terrible about both using they/them pronouns (or anything more complex than that) and about using anything other than what they assume they should use for you in the first split second they see you.
My zoom screen is basically "Berry (they/them)" and people still have no idea what to do with that.
For me, I'd never liked my given name. I experimented with different names as a kid, but my dad discouraged it and unfortunately when I let that go I forgot for a long time. As an adult when I gave myself permission to find a new name I got some input of ideas from my spouse and kid (with a bit of veto power for names they hated too) because names often come from family and I wanted them to be part of it. With a short list, I looked up meanings, sat with them a bit, asked them to try out one or two. And one of them felt good enough. Not amazing, but fine. And the thing is, that's probably the best any brand new name could feel-- new names are just weird and uncomfortable and I don't like new things. So I let it be fine and got used to it and let more people know to call me my new name and eventually went through the process to have it be my official name. A few years later this name actually feels good, like the name I probably should've had all along. The discomfort was just part of the process.
posted by blueberry monster at 10:05 AM on November 10, 2021 [1 favorite]
I could read an entire novel-length comic on this topic and in this style, so I'm glad to discover ND Stevenson! Names are magical incantations of identity based on metaphysical systems we didn't come up with, and also false point-value representations of long, convoluted multi-dimensional processes. I loved the "lost prince dragon-rider" panels, they definitely get at that "if I make the right choice it will Unlock My True Secret Powers" feeling about choosing one's own name. Sitting with how ridiculous and insecure that feels makes me wish I wasn't someone who has to make everything in their life Mean Something, but I guess that's who I am. If I wasn't, I'd still be bumbling along with the 36th most popular first name for my AGAB and birth year, a frumpy last name I've always disliked, and only one middle.
posted by All hands bury the dead at 11:51 AM on November 10, 2021
posted by All hands bury the dead at 11:51 AM on November 10, 2021
I just received Stevenson's The Fire Never Goes Out: A Memoir in Pictures, published last year, for my birthday. I know what I'm going to be busy with after work.
posted by Quasirandom at 6:56 AM on November 16, 2021
posted by Quasirandom at 6:56 AM on November 16, 2021
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