"Hi I’m Amy. I’m too ambitious"
July 1, 2022 8:39 AM Subscribe
Introduce yourself with the wildest feedback you’ve ever received, a thread. Featuring all the greatest hits, including such gems as, "Hi, I'm Mary. I should go to trade school and learn how to become a receptionist." -- Mary L. Trump
Hi, I'm thivaia, I do much more effective interesting work when I'm in an unpleasant, uncomfortable environment and a little bit miserable all the time.
posted by thivaia at 8:53 AM on July 1, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by thivaia at 8:53 AM on July 1, 2022 [6 favorites]
Hi, I'm amtho. Perhaps I should join the local amateur Gilbert and Sullivan theater group, although you don't have space for me in your voice studio right now. (subtext: Or ever.)
posted by amtho at 9:14 AM on July 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by amtho at 9:14 AM on July 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
I was told I should shoot for being a Supreme Court justice, something I often thought about when I developed an anxiety disorder so severe I could barely check the mail.
posted by Countess Elena at 9:15 AM on July 1, 2022 [10 favorites]
posted by Countess Elena at 9:15 AM on July 1, 2022 [10 favorites]
Hi, I'm Morpeth, I'm not mature enough (at age 45).
posted by Morpeth at 9:23 AM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Morpeth at 9:23 AM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
Hi, I'm Rebecca. I am brassy, nervy, little know it all. (Said by a friend's father as he was trying and failing to intimidate me, just in general. )
posted by stormygrey at 9:29 AM on July 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by stormygrey at 9:29 AM on July 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
Hi, I'm caxton1476. I'm Switzerland.
From a former boss, at times to praise my diplomacy, at others to criticize my lack of assertiveness.
My son's 2nd grade teacher once wore a nametag with, "HELLO! I'm uncooperative" to the field-day picnic on the last day of school. She explained that's what her principal, who was legit very bad, had recently called her in front of everyone during an all-staff meeting. She (the teacher) left for another school in the district; we were stuck with the principal for a few more years.
posted by Caxton1476 at 9:30 AM on July 1, 2022 [12 favorites]
From a former boss, at times to praise my diplomacy, at others to criticize my lack of assertiveness.
My son's 2nd grade teacher once wore a nametag with, "HELLO! I'm uncooperative" to the field-day picnic on the last day of school. She explained that's what her principal, who was legit very bad, had recently called her in front of everyone during an all-staff meeting. She (the teacher) left for another school in the district; we were stuck with the principal for a few more years.
posted by Caxton1476 at 9:30 AM on July 1, 2022 [12 favorites]
Hi, I'm like a metalhead, but smart.
posted by mrgoldenbrown at 9:31 AM on July 1, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by mrgoldenbrown at 9:31 AM on July 1, 2022 [6 favorites]
Hi I'm Abulafa, I'm not very organized (exactly like the boss providing the feedback, by their own admission).
Reader this is not a view shared by any other observer.
(Also I make nitter links to Twitter content because I hate Twitter)
posted by abulafa at 9:37 AM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
Reader this is not a view shared by any other observer.
(Also I make nitter links to Twitter content because I hate Twitter)
posted by abulafa at 9:37 AM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
Hi, I'm meese. I'm a frog.
(Student evaluation, provided as the response to every single question.)
posted by meese at 9:38 AM on July 1, 2022 [9 favorites]
(Student evaluation, provided as the response to every single question.)
posted by meese at 9:38 AM on July 1, 2022 [9 favorites]
Hi, I’m Tom and I’m built like a rock. (Said by one the girls who asked me to open a pail of mayo in the college dining hall kitchen.)
posted by tommasz at 9:38 AM on July 1, 2022
posted by tommasz at 9:38 AM on July 1, 2022
Hi, I'm Greg_Ace, have I put on weight?
(my mother's initial greeting, every damn time; and no, I hadn't)
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:40 AM on July 1, 2022 [9 favorites]
(my mother's initial greeting, every damn time; and no, I hadn't)
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:40 AM on July 1, 2022 [9 favorites]
I'm wellifyouinsist and I'm "not afraid to disagree with the teacher" (said the teacher in my grade report) and I "probably listen to the Cure" (not meant nicely, and how I learned about the Cure)
posted by wellifyouinsist at 9:46 AM on July 1, 2022 [10 favorites]
posted by wellifyouinsist at 9:46 AM on July 1, 2022 [10 favorites]
Hi, I’m bookmammal. I talk with my hands too much when communicating with supervisors.
(I quit with nothing new lined up shortly after this)
posted by bookmammal at 9:51 AM on July 1, 2022 [4 favorites]
(I quit with nothing new lined up shortly after this)
posted by bookmammal at 9:51 AM on July 1, 2022 [4 favorites]
Hello, I'm Joan Rivers of Babylon. I'm so bad it's unbelievable.
posted by Joan Rivers of Babylon at 9:56 AM on July 1, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by Joan Rivers of Babylon at 9:56 AM on July 1, 2022 [5 favorites]
Hello, I'm Joan Rivers of Babylon. I'm a fucking genius. (different feedback)
posted by Joan Rivers of Babylon at 9:57 AM on July 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by Joan Rivers of Babylon at 9:57 AM on July 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
Hi, I'm mono blanco. I'm too happy-go-lucky. Don't I know that life is serious?
posted by mono blanco at 9:58 AM on July 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by mono blanco at 9:58 AM on July 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
Hi, I’m infinitewindow, and beautiful women will always be my weakness.
(Thanks, ex-girlfriend from three years ago! Until recently, though, she wasn’t wrong.)
posted by infinitewindow at 9:59 AM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
(Thanks, ex-girlfriend from three years ago! Until recently, though, she wasn’t wrong.)
posted by infinitewindow at 9:59 AM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
I'm fight or flight, and I have a very pretty cervix! (Said by an OB-GYN nurse who looked almost as astonished as I did that he'd said it.)
posted by fight or flight at 10:01 AM on July 1, 2022 [13 favorites]
posted by fight or flight at 10:01 AM on July 1, 2022 [13 favorites]
ohai is ghost with "unsettling energy" apparently
well duh
posted by Rev. Irreverent Revenant at 10:02 AM on July 1, 2022
well duh
posted by Rev. Irreverent Revenant at 10:02 AM on July 1, 2022
I'm TinyChicken, and I don't know how to have a conversation.
posted by TinyChicken at 10:04 AM on July 1, 2022
posted by TinyChicken at 10:04 AM on July 1, 2022
Hi, I'm the antecedent of that pronoun. My voice is loud & it carries well.
posted by the antecedent of that pronoun at 10:06 AM on July 1, 2022
posted by the antecedent of that pronoun at 10:06 AM on July 1, 2022
Hi, I'm Daniel, and I need to stop focusing so much on quality so we can get the schedule perfected
posted by ook at 10:08 AM on July 1, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by ook at 10:08 AM on July 1, 2022 [5 favorites]
Hi, I'm Frito and I'm amazing in a crisis but then need time to resume normal operations.
(you know, like maybe a NORMAL HUMAN might need in a crisis)
posted by FritoKAL at 10:09 AM on July 1, 2022 [6 favorites]
(you know, like maybe a NORMAL HUMAN might need in a crisis)
posted by FritoKAL at 10:09 AM on July 1, 2022 [6 favorites]
Hi, I'm SPrintF. I'm told that people get used to me eventually.
posted by SPrintF at 10:12 AM on July 1, 2022 [7 favorites]
posted by SPrintF at 10:12 AM on July 1, 2022 [7 favorites]
Hi, I'm Abehammerb and I would be more attractive if I stood up straighter.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 10:12 AM on July 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 10:12 AM on July 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
Hi, I'm Merus, I'm a clever one, and I know it too, don't I.
posted by Merus at 10:13 AM on July 1, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by Merus at 10:13 AM on July 1, 2022 [5 favorites]
Hi, I'm Well I never, and I think too much.
Also, per my high school guidance counselor circa 1982: Hi, I'm Well I never, and I should either become a lawyer or marry a good man.
posted by Well I never at 10:24 AM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
Also, per my high school guidance counselor circa 1982: Hi, I'm Well I never, and I should either become a lawyer or marry a good man.
posted by Well I never at 10:24 AM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
Hi, I'm punchtothehead, and I'm too pretty to work in IT.
posted by punchtothehead at 10:35 AM on July 1, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by punchtothehead at 10:35 AM on July 1, 2022 [5 favorites]
OH WAIT hi, I'm punchtothehead, and I should lower my standards or no one will ever want to date me.
posted by punchtothehead at 10:36 AM on July 1, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by punchtothehead at 10:36 AM on July 1, 2022 [6 favorites]
I'm quacks like a duck, I'm ASTONISHINGLY aggressive and I think I'm the CEO.
posted by quacks like a duck at 10:36 AM on July 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by quacks like a duck at 10:36 AM on July 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
Hello, I'm effluvia. My English boss told me I was the company's Joan of Arc. When I pointed out the mission and ultimate fate of Joan of Arc, he told me most of my problems could be traced back to my Irish ancestry.
posted by effluvia at 10:38 AM on July 1, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by effluvia at 10:38 AM on July 1, 2022 [4 favorites]
I'm winesong, and I should move back home until I get married.
I'm also winesong, and I shouldn't describe myself as an artist first, I should describe my physical appearance with an emphasis on gender.
Also also, I should be more independent, but closely follow the manager's speech and directions even when they're very very wrong, and I should be a self-starter but more of a team player, and I should also date the manager who tried to fire me for all of the above.
I'm winesong, and I use fresh garlic, and you can use whatever you want.
posted by winesong at 10:45 AM on July 1, 2022 [4 favorites]
I'm also winesong, and I shouldn't describe myself as an artist first, I should describe my physical appearance with an emphasis on gender.
Also also, I should be more independent, but closely follow the manager's speech and directions even when they're very very wrong, and I should be a self-starter but more of a team player, and I should also date the manager who tried to fire me for all of the above.
I'm winesong, and I use fresh garlic, and you can use whatever you want.
posted by winesong at 10:45 AM on July 1, 2022 [4 favorites]
Hi, I'm Stoof. Having me around is bad luck, because I distract the group and make us mess up and fight each other, like a woman on a pirate ship.
posted by Stoof at 10:57 AM on July 1, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by Stoof at 10:57 AM on July 1, 2022 [5 favorites]
Hi, I'm JohnnyGunn and I am too honest. Apparently you are not supposed to tell the truth when someone at work asks how the project is coming.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 11:04 AM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by JohnnyGunn at 11:04 AM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
Hi, I’m Scratch, and I seem kind of weird.
**interview notes in my personnel folder, which someone left on a table in an empty room—but I got the damn job, so whatever.
posted by scratch at 11:06 AM on July 1, 2022 [4 favorites]
**interview notes in my personnel folder, which someone left on a table in an empty room—but I got the damn job, so whatever.
posted by scratch at 11:06 AM on July 1, 2022 [4 favorites]
Hi, I'm wheek wheek wheek, and I'm not really good with details. Actual feedback a 9 year-old gave me three days ago.
posted by wheek wheek wheek at 11:09 AM on July 1, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by wheek wheek wheek at 11:09 AM on July 1, 2022 [5 favorites]
Hi, I'm Cosmic, and I'm too fat to sit in that chair. (My Grandma, every time, even after an illness related weight loss.) Note: she's way fatter than I ever was...!
posted by cosmicsoup at 11:17 AM on July 1, 2022
posted by cosmicsoup at 11:17 AM on July 1, 2022
I'm wenestvedt, and I really shouldn't be holding my colleagues to the same high standards I hold myself to.
posted by wenestvedt at 11:18 AM on July 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by wenestvedt at 11:18 AM on July 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
I'm 7ajax7 and I *do* think, don't I.
(they seemed pleasantly surprised to have discovered this)
posted by 7ajax7 at 11:44 AM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
(they seemed pleasantly surprised to have discovered this)
posted by 7ajax7 at 11:44 AM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
Hi, I'm loquacious and I'm rather intense.
(Multiple sources, usually received after ranting passionately about something.)
posted by loquacious at 11:46 AM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
(Multiple sources, usually received after ranting passionately about something.)
posted by loquacious at 11:46 AM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
Hi, I’m Fuego and I lack the gravitas to be a manager.
(Feedback from my first job out of grad school. I am now a manager.)
posted by Fuego at 11:50 AM on July 1, 2022
(Feedback from my first job out of grad school. I am now a manager.)
posted by Fuego at 11:50 AM on July 1, 2022
Hi, I'm vrakatar and I need to work on my people skills.
posted by vrakatar at 11:52 AM on July 1, 2022
posted by vrakatar at 11:52 AM on July 1, 2022
Hi, I’m Fuego and I’m overly competitive with female students.
(From my Rate My Professor page in grad school. Still don’t know what this meant)
posted by Fuego at 11:53 AM on July 1, 2022
(From my Rate My Professor page in grad school. Still don’t know what this meant)
posted by Fuego at 11:53 AM on July 1, 2022
Hi, I'm BrashTech, and I lecture in a monotone. (In an evaluation from a student who was either extremely unfamiliar with me, or the definition of the word "monotone.")
posted by BrashTech at 11:54 AM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by BrashTech at 11:54 AM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
Hi, I'm kyrademon, and I should go to a graveyard and perform a ritual there.
posted by kyrademon at 11:57 AM on July 1, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by kyrademon at 11:57 AM on July 1, 2022 [4 favorites]
Hi, I'm all about eevee, and I walk too loudly.
posted by all about eevee at 11:59 AM on July 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by all about eevee at 11:59 AM on July 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
Hi I'm user92371, and I'm disappointed in you. (get in line, mom)
posted by user92371 at 12:02 PM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by user92371 at 12:02 PM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
Hi I’m bilabial and even though I only provide correct and concise answers at work, I should wait longer before sending them, so the [guys] on our team have a chance to be wrong first. (Recent. The company has since imploded.)
posted by bilabial at 12:03 PM on July 1, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by bilabial at 12:03 PM on July 1, 2022 [4 favorites]
Hi, I'm Daily Alice and sometimes I am nice and sometimes I am not. (The sentiment my son wrote on the inside of the Mother's Day card he made for me in kindergarten.)
posted by Daily Alice at 12:09 PM on July 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by Daily Alice at 12:09 PM on July 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
I'm HypotheticalWoman, and I'm not really ill, just being a drama queen for the attention. (This was my mother, shortly before I nearly died of pneumonia.)
posted by HypotheticalWoman at 1:06 PM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by HypotheticalWoman at 1:06 PM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
Hi I’m ordinary_magnet, and I surprisingly don’t act all fruity or anything… although maybe actually you can kinda see it.
(Me coming out to my (still) good friend, in a different time)
posted by ordinary_magnet at 1:13 PM on July 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
(Me coming out to my (still) good friend, in a different time)
posted by ordinary_magnet at 1:13 PM on July 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
I'm over-informed.
posted by The Half Language Plant at 1:17 PM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by The Half Language Plant at 1:17 PM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
Hi, I'm still_wears_a_hat, and I'm a good clotter. (From a dental hygenist.)
posted by still_wears_a_hat at 1:26 PM on July 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by still_wears_a_hat at 1:26 PM on July 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
Hi, I'm Jeanne and I come from public libraries.
(Said to me with withering contempt by my community college library sort-of-coworker, who does not actually know more about how to run an academic library than I do.)
posted by Jeanne at 1:28 PM on July 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
(Said to me with withering contempt by my community college library sort-of-coworker, who does not actually know more about how to run an academic library than I do.)
posted by Jeanne at 1:28 PM on July 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
Hi, I'm meepmeow and I am too proper! I also talk both too much and too little (or maybe just at the wrong times?)
posted by meepmeow at 1:34 PM on July 1, 2022
posted by meepmeow at 1:34 PM on July 1, 2022
Hi, I'm Ursula, and my girlfriend is significantly more attractive than I am. Like, there's a serious discrepancy there.
Hi, I'm Ursula, and I'm kind of inept at everything.
Hi, I'm Ursula, and I think that feeling guilty makes all of my mistakes OK.
Two of these things were said by people who were kind of buttholes, and aren't in my life anymore. One of them was said by somebody I'm still very close to. We were going through a bad time and things have gotten better, but I still carry what they said like a little bit of shrapnel embedded under my skin. Sometimes it itches and throbs.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 1:46 PM on July 1, 2022 [5 favorites]
Hi, I'm Ursula, and I'm kind of inept at everything.
Hi, I'm Ursula, and I think that feeling guilty makes all of my mistakes OK.
Two of these things were said by people who were kind of buttholes, and aren't in my life anymore. One of them was said by somebody I'm still very close to. We were going through a bad time and things have gotten better, but I still carry what they said like a little bit of shrapnel embedded under my skin. Sometimes it itches and throbs.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 1:46 PM on July 1, 2022 [5 favorites]
I'm eccentric. That's the polite phrase I've heard at work, I don't want to know what people say behind my back about it.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:51 PM on July 1, 2022
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:51 PM on July 1, 2022
I'm kaibutsu, and I don't actually have to live like a refugee.
posted by kaibutsu at 1:59 PM on July 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by kaibutsu at 1:59 PM on July 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
community college library sort-of-coworker
well, now I want to see the Community spin-off show about the library workers.
posted by kaibutsu at 2:01 PM on July 1, 2022 [4 favorites]
well, now I want to see the Community spin-off show about the library workers.
posted by kaibutsu at 2:01 PM on July 1, 2022 [4 favorites]
Hi, I'm The corpse, and my mouth will get me in trouble one day.
posted by The corpse in the library at 2:06 PM on July 1, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by The corpse in the library at 2:06 PM on July 1, 2022 [5 favorites]
Hi! I’m rrrrrrrrrt, who first explains and then explains! (Can’t disagree: it me)
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 2:07 PM on July 1, 2022
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 2:07 PM on July 1, 2022
Oh, I almost forgot: I have a "horse-like" constitution.
(delivered resentfully by an acquaintance who was in denial about having sabotaged his own with lots of drugs and alcohol)
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:14 PM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
(delivered resentfully by an acquaintance who was in denial about having sabotaged his own with lots of drugs and alcohol)
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:14 PM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
Hi, I'm rednikki and I need to be less me. (That was actual feedback given in a performance review.)
posted by rednikki at 2:23 PM on July 1, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by rednikki at 2:23 PM on July 1, 2022 [4 favorites]
Hi, I'm Andy and I treat my job like it's just a job.
Said to me because apparently I wasn't willing to dedicate my life to work? Anyway the person who said it to me is long gone and now I am in a leadership position in the same organization.
Also, hi, I'm Andy and I am frugal.
Said to me by a (still) good friend in a very bitter way when I bought an apartment and they were jealous that I had savings.
posted by Literaryhero at 2:25 PM on July 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
Said to me because apparently I wasn't willing to dedicate my life to work? Anyway the person who said it to me is long gone and now I am in a leadership position in the same organization.
Also, hi, I'm Andy and I am frugal.
Said to me by a (still) good friend in a very bitter way when I bought an apartment and they were jealous that I had savings.
posted by Literaryhero at 2:25 PM on July 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
Hi, I’m Tell Me No Lies and a mail-order bride might work out really well for me.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 2:27 PM on July 1, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 2:27 PM on July 1, 2022 [6 favorites]
Hi, I'm Tangosnail and if not properly motivated, I do not excel.
posted by tangosnail at 2:28 PM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by tangosnail at 2:28 PM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
I need to be less me. (That was actual feedback given in a performance review.)
Hahahahaah, that should be in my reviews. I think the entire world thinks that one.
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:32 PM on July 1, 2022
Hahahahaah, that should be in my reviews. I think the entire world thinks that one.
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:32 PM on July 1, 2022
These are both funny and horrible.
Heather Cox Richardson (TDPR)@HC_Richardson·Jun 29
Replying to @Amy_Hupe
Hi, I’m Heather, and I don’t know the work of Heather Cox Richardson.
posted by Billy Rubin at 2:37 PM on July 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
Heather Cox Richardson (TDPR)@HC_Richardson·Jun 29
Replying to @Amy_Hupe
Hi, I’m Heather, and I don’t know the work of Heather Cox Richardson.
posted by Billy Rubin at 2:37 PM on July 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
Hi, I’m andraste, and I should put some colour on my face now I’m getting a bit older (I was 29) (and told this by my female manager)
posted by andraste at 2:39 PM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by andraste at 2:39 PM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
Oh also, if I'm not careful, my face will freeze like that.
posted by fritley at 2:54 PM on July 1, 2022
posted by fritley at 2:54 PM on July 1, 2022
Hi I’m jameaterblues and I seem like the kind of person who’ll die in a car accident.
You know, jameaterblues, who should think about being a coxswain because I’m short, but also bossy.
posted by jameaterblues at 3:33 PM on July 1, 2022
You know, jameaterblues, who should think about being a coxswain because I’m short, but also bossy.
posted by jameaterblues at 3:33 PM on July 1, 2022
I'm maxwelton, I'm bright but don't apply myself (still true to this day).
posted by maxwelton at 3:38 PM on July 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by maxwelton at 3:38 PM on July 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
I'm thomas j wise, and my first book was too convincing for the target audience.
(No other peer reviewer has equalled this.)
posted by thomas j wise at 3:43 PM on July 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
(No other peer reviewer has equalled this.)
posted by thomas j wise at 3:43 PM on July 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
I’m Mister Moofoo, and of course, I’m still invited to the warehouse Christmas party [even though you just fired me for being two minutes late].
posted by Mister Moofoo at 3:49 PM on July 1, 2022
posted by Mister Moofoo at 3:49 PM on July 1, 2022
I should have gone, and gotten hammered on their dime.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 3:50 PM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Mister Moofoo at 3:50 PM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
I'm pan, and I sure always seemed like a massive weirdo, but am actually an ok guy.
posted by pan at 3:58 PM on July 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by pan at 3:58 PM on July 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
Hi, I’m SK. I’m so smart and I don’t just pretend like I’m happy all the time.
posted by sk932 at 4:01 PM on July 1, 2022
posted by sk932 at 4:01 PM on July 1, 2022
Hi, I'm Short Attention Sp, and I heal like a teenager.
(This was said to me just today by the oral surgeon who extracted a molar two months ago.)
posted by Short Attention Sp at 4:03 PM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
(This was said to me just today by the oral surgeon who extracted a molar two months ago.)
posted by Short Attention Sp at 4:03 PM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
Hi, I'm datawrangler, and I'm obese.
posted by datawrangler at 4:15 PM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by datawrangler at 4:15 PM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
Hi, I'm Lex and I'm intimidating.
(feels like Younger Me definitely dodged a bullet avoiding that guy.)
posted by Lexica at 4:20 PM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
(feels like Younger Me definitely dodged a bullet avoiding that guy.)
posted by Lexica at 4:20 PM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
I’m St. P and apparently I eat crackers annoyingly.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 4:28 PM on July 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by St. Peepsburg at 4:28 PM on July 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
I’m not breakfast burrito’s parent, but if I were I’d need to slow down so there’s still some work left to do tomorrow.
Gotta love local government.
posted by breakfast burrito at 4:39 PM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
Gotta love local government.
posted by breakfast burrito at 4:39 PM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
I'm p7, who constantly sets themself low standards which they fail to achieve. Yes, that's right, p7, who doesn't think of the practicalities. Who should eat some fucking McDonald's, the fat cunt.
posted by prismatic7 at 4:51 PM on July 1, 2022
posted by prismatic7 at 4:51 PM on July 1, 2022
Hi, I'm Morpeth, I'm not mature enough (at age 45).
To be fair, I very much resemble that remark on occasions... (I'm a smidge older, too...)
posted by a non mouse, a cow herd at 4:55 PM on July 1, 2022
To be fair, I very much resemble that remark on occasions... (I'm a smidge older, too...)
posted by a non mouse, a cow herd at 4:55 PM on July 1, 2022
I'm fight or flight, and I have a very pretty cervix!
do... do we have the same cervix?
(a different ob/gyn is invested in me having a baby because "that'll be a fun pregnancy")
posted by taquito sunrise at 5:06 PM on July 1, 2022 [6 favorites]
do... do we have the same cervix?
(a different ob/gyn is invested in me having a baby because "that'll be a fun pregnancy")
posted by taquito sunrise at 5:06 PM on July 1, 2022 [6 favorites]
two i got this week
a) that i could stand to be three times as didactic and have people get half of what im saying
b) that I have a much wider range of references than most people
posted by PinkMoose at 5:24 PM on July 1, 2022
a) that i could stand to be three times as didactic and have people get half of what im saying
b) that I have a much wider range of references than most people
posted by PinkMoose at 5:24 PM on July 1, 2022
Hi, I’m Phyllis keeps a tight rein and I should stay away from those nice white people.
posted by Phyllis keeps a tight rein at 5:30 PM on July 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by Phyllis keeps a tight rein at 5:30 PM on July 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
(a different ob/gyn is invested in me having a baby because "that'll be a fun pregnancy")
Oh sure, any pregnancy can be fun when it's somebody else's!
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:36 PM on July 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
Oh sure, any pregnancy can be fun when it's somebody else's!
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:36 PM on July 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
Hi! I'm Sauter Vaguely and I am not graceful.
(Said to me by a former colleague who was upset at a meeting because I was unequivocal that his completely baseless opinion on my subject area was just not as valuable as my decades of experience and multiple degrees. Friends -- I snort laughed in response because I am not graceful!)
posted by Sauter Vaguely at 5:37 PM on July 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
(Said to me by a former colleague who was upset at a meeting because I was unequivocal that his completely baseless opinion on my subject area was just not as valuable as my decades of experience and multiple degrees. Friends -- I snort laughed in response because I am not graceful!)
posted by Sauter Vaguely at 5:37 PM on July 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
I’m loopsun and I run like a horse. I mean, I’m so graceful. (From the one kid faster than me, not meant nicely, in the middle school locker room.)
posted by loopsun at 5:42 PM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by loopsun at 5:42 PM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
Hi, I’m hilaryjade and I have Nice Veins (per everyone who has ever taken my blood 🩸 for anything)
posted by hilaryjade at 5:49 PM on July 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by hilaryjade at 5:49 PM on July 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
Hi I’m threecheesetrees and I’m the least intimidating man around (per a student evaluation).
Hi I’m threecheesetrees and I have the cleanest ears you’ve ever seen (per my GP).
posted by threecheesetrees at 6:00 PM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
Hi I’m threecheesetrees and I have the cleanest ears you’ve ever seen (per my GP).
posted by threecheesetrees at 6:00 PM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
Hi, I’m Corey and I’m too much like Lucy from The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. (Said to me by someone who was trying to be insulting and missing the mark by quite a distance.)
posted by corey flood at 6:40 PM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by corey flood at 6:40 PM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
Hi I'm basalganglia and I'm a stealth ninja.
posted by basalganglia at 7:05 PM on July 1, 2022
posted by basalganglia at 7:05 PM on July 1, 2022
Hi, I'm briank, and I'm not *that* ugly.
posted by briank at 7:08 PM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by briank at 7:08 PM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
Hi, I'm kirkaracha, and somehow I never got any feedback when I sent out a bunch of job applications with this claim:
posted by kirkaracha at 7:23 PM on July 1, 2022 [4 favorites]
I'm very interesting in this position.I mean, I can see why I didn't get any job offers, but getting no offers of any kind kinda hurt my feelings.
posted by kirkaracha at 7:23 PM on July 1, 2022 [4 favorites]
Hi I'm doift, and I'm still an enigma.
(High school English teacher, not entirely sure what she meant but I choose to take it as a compliment.)
posted by doift at 7:25 PM on July 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
(High school English teacher, not entirely sure what she meant but I choose to take it as a compliment.)
posted by doift at 7:25 PM on July 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
hi I'm 5_13, and despite the fact that I get the most work done, and everyone really likes how it looks, I spend too much time socializing and should spend half my rendering time reading the manual.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 7:50 PM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 7:50 PM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
Hi, I’m the duck by the oboe and I’m an alien/human hybrid.
posted by the duck by the oboe at 7:51 PM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by the duck by the oboe at 7:51 PM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
I'm RP, and I should consider working with animals (presumably instead of my actual career).
posted by rpfields at 8:16 PM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by rpfields at 8:16 PM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
Hi, I'm happyfrog, and I'm so happy in my own head that I don't want to go anywhere.
posted by happyfrog at 8:23 PM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by happyfrog at 8:23 PM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
Hi, I'm carolr. I'm generally a competent person so why am I so bad at rubbing sunscreen into my ears?
posted by carolr at 8:26 PM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by carolr at 8:26 PM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
Direct quote from a meeting I was in last week, directed at me: "we knew you were good, but we didn't know you were this good". So:
Hi, I'm Joy. You know I'm good, but you don't know how good.
For completeness, I replied with the acronym FIGJAM.
posted by b33j at 8:41 PM on July 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
Hi, I'm Joy. You know I'm good, but you don't know how good.
For completeness, I replied with the acronym FIGJAM.
posted by b33j at 8:41 PM on July 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
Hi, I'm The Wrong Kind of Cheese, and it's really annoying that my answer always turns out to be right.
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 8:50 PM on July 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 8:50 PM on July 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
Hi, I’m nat, and I am “dynamic”, aren’t I?
(From my group leader after I found a way out of a budgeting problem that he should have found himself; it did not sound like a compliment).
posted by nat at 9:18 PM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
(From my group leader after I found a way out of a budgeting problem that he should have found himself; it did not sound like a compliment).
posted by nat at 9:18 PM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
Hi, I’m centrifugal, and I listen well to directions but choose whether and how to follow them (accurate feedback from my kindergarten report card); I drive like a cross between an old lady with dementia and a scared teenager (I do not, and it turned out that supervisor was QUITE HIGH on opioids at the time and I was driving because her license was suspended for DUI); and I’m better at building relationships than ANYONE IN THE HEALTH DEPARTMENT HAS EVER BEEN (my boss uses wild hyperbole in annual reviews to keep his staff funded).
posted by centrifugal at 9:51 PM on July 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by centrifugal at 9:51 PM on July 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
Hi, I'm St. Oops and I am so American, just like Buckminster Fuller.
posted by St. Oops at 9:56 PM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by St. Oops at 9:56 PM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
Hi! Tangerine here. I should strive to be more normal.
posted by tangerine at 10:00 PM on July 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by tangerine at 10:00 PM on July 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
hi i'm wibari, and i should really have a more scots-irish name.
posted by wibari at 11:49 PM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by wibari at 11:49 PM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
Two occasions come to mind. The first was in college, where my differential equations professor, during a conversation with me, described me as "very meticulous" in a tone that made it clear that that wasn't exactly a complement. I'm still not sure what conclusion I was meant to draw from it, but settled on the interpretation that just possibly when a calculus teacher tells you you are overly meticulous you might need to lighten up a bit.
A more positive bit of feedback came via family members of one of my sister's softball teammates. One of my sisters played on a small town softball team for many seasons, and over the years I attended quite a few of the games when I was in town. Sitting in the stands, I got to know a fair number of the family and friends of the other players on the team, including the grandparents of K., a young woman on the team. Her Opa and Oma were a lovely couple who had emigrated from the Netherlands after WWII and were just the kindest people. One evening I was having a conversation with the two of them when Oma turned to Opa and whispered "He speaks like a schoolteacher!" in a tone that made it clear that that was an admirable thing. I took it as a lovely complement from a super-sweet old-school Dutch grandma but I've long thought that it's a bit sad that if an American said the same thing about me it would not be meant as a compliment.
posted by Nerd of the North at 11:52 PM on July 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
A more positive bit of feedback came via family members of one of my sister's softball teammates. One of my sisters played on a small town softball team for many seasons, and over the years I attended quite a few of the games when I was in town. Sitting in the stands, I got to know a fair number of the family and friends of the other players on the team, including the grandparents of K., a young woman on the team. Her Opa and Oma were a lovely couple who had emigrated from the Netherlands after WWII and were just the kindest people. One evening I was having a conversation with the two of them when Oma turned to Opa and whispered "He speaks like a schoolteacher!" in a tone that made it clear that that was an admirable thing. I took it as a lovely complement from a super-sweet old-school Dutch grandma but I've long thought that it's a bit sad that if an American said the same thing about me it would not be meant as a compliment.
posted by Nerd of the North at 11:52 PM on July 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
Hi, I'm Coati and I have too much personality. Have I ever thought about going into comedy? (No.)
posted by Coaticass at 1:11 AM on July 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Coaticass at 1:11 AM on July 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
Hi, I'm agatha_magatha and I'm pretty, but would be prettier if I just lost weight. (Thanks, Dad.)
posted by agatha_magatha at 8:03 AM on July 2, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by agatha_magatha at 8:03 AM on July 2, 2022 [3 favorites]
I’m ethnically ambiguous!
posted by evidenceofabsence at 8:49 AM on July 2, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by evidenceofabsence at 8:49 AM on July 2, 2022 [2 favorites]
Mister Moofoo here. When I get home today, I should ask my parents what “procrastinate” means.
I was five. All the substitute teachers in kindergarten were terrible.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 10:17 AM on July 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
I was five. All the substitute teachers in kindergarten were terrible.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 10:17 AM on July 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
Hi, I’m Ryvar and I’m simultaneously a really nice guy and an arrogant bastard, who only gets away with it by being nearly as smart as he thinks he is.
(Overheard conversation:
[Person who just met me] “Wow your friend is like, a really nice guy AND an arrogant bastard at the same time.”
[my friend who introduced us] “Pretty much, but he’s kinda earned it by being almost as smart as he thinks he is.”
I like this one because it’s a good summary of both meeting and being me.)
posted by Ryvar at 10:39 AM on July 2, 2022 [3 favorites]
(Overheard conversation:
[Person who just met me] “Wow your friend is like, a really nice guy AND an arrogant bastard at the same time.”
[my friend who introduced us] “Pretty much, but he’s kinda earned it by being almost as smart as he thinks he is.”
I like this one because it’s a good summary of both meeting and being me.)
posted by Ryvar at 10:39 AM on July 2, 2022 [3 favorites]
Hi, I'm a humble nudibranch and I am a little TOO natural for most men; and a also a heretic. (per a proposed camping partner and the parish priest)
posted by a humble nudibranch at 11:23 AM on July 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by a humble nudibranch at 11:23 AM on July 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
Too jokey, too serious, too concerned about the poor treatment of people I don't know, and insufficiently eager to attend workplace team-building events.
Also, not someone my cousin's father in law would ever have thought would have a family, as he explained when I introduced him to my pregnant wife. He'd met me exactly once before that.
posted by Lyme Drop at 12:13 PM on July 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
Also, not someone my cousin's father in law would ever have thought would have a family, as he explained when I introduced him to my pregnant wife. He'd met me exactly once before that.
posted by Lyme Drop at 12:13 PM on July 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
Hello, I'm CF, and I'd do linear algebra all day long if I could.
posted by Chef Flamboyardee at 1:14 PM on July 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Chef Flamboyardee at 1:14 PM on July 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
Hi, I'm Greta, I could be a little softer in my approach (said by a man who was a notoriously aggressive dickhead).
posted by greta simone at 2:07 PM on July 2, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by greta simone at 2:07 PM on July 2, 2022 [2 favorites]
Hi, I’m night_owl, and I don’t have the wherewithal to succeed without [Joel’s] name as a reference.
posted by Night_owl at 2:10 PM on July 2, 2022
posted by Night_owl at 2:10 PM on July 2, 2022
Hello, I'm the power nap, and I read the research papers in too much detail.
Or
I aske the most interesting questions (4th grade award).
posted by The Power Nap at 6:35 PM on July 2, 2022
Or
I aske the most interesting questions (4th grade award).
posted by The Power Nap at 6:35 PM on July 2, 2022
I’m bendy and I’m way too fucking optimistic.
posted by bendy at 7:17 PM on July 2, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by bendy at 7:17 PM on July 2, 2022 [2 favorites]
Also, as bendy, my eyes are so blue you could swim.
The best two things people have ever said about me.
posted by bendy at 7:26 PM on July 2, 2022
The best two things people have ever said about me.
posted by bendy at 7:26 PM on July 2, 2022
Hello I am Dr. Curare and I strongly meet expectations.
posted by Dr. Curare at 8:01 PM on July 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Dr. Curare at 8:01 PM on July 2, 2022 [1 favorite]
Oh, I can't find the tweet at the moment but I joined in on that. I "look kind of angry all the time" (this was before the phrase "resting bitch face" had been coined)
posted by rmd1023 at 9:29 PM on July 2, 2022
posted by rmd1023 at 9:29 PM on July 2, 2022
Ooooooh here’s another!
Hi, I’m infinitewindow, and my eyes are almost perfectly spherical.
(This one was from my ophthalmologist and for just a couple of seconds I thought he was saying it as a pick-up line.)
posted by infinitewindow at 12:21 AM on July 3, 2022 [2 favorites]
Hi, I’m infinitewindow, and my eyes are almost perfectly spherical.
(This one was from my ophthalmologist and for just a couple of seconds I thought he was saying it as a pick-up line.)
posted by infinitewindow at 12:21 AM on July 3, 2022 [2 favorites]
I'm virago, and I write each sentence as if it's going to be engraved in stone.
I'm virago, and I would look good in a thong swimsuit.
Both of these sentences were spoken by an editor, but not the same editor.
posted by virago at 3:43 AM on July 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
I'm virago, and I would look good in a thong swimsuit.
Both of these sentences were spoken by an editor, but not the same editor.
posted by virago at 3:43 AM on July 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
I have a "horse-like" constitution.
I have the constitution of a donkey.
posted by The Half Language Plant at 8:21 AM on July 3, 2022
I have the constitution of a donkey.
posted by The Half Language Plant at 8:21 AM on July 3, 2022
PS Providing context for the thong swimsuit comment:
I had been talking at lunch to fellow reporters and other coworkers -- not including said editor -- about a swimming class that I was taking.
So, inappropriate to the nth degree.
posted by virago at 8:39 AM on July 3, 2022
I had been talking at lunch to fellow reporters and other coworkers -- not including said editor -- about a swimming class that I was taking.
So, inappropriate to the nth degree.
posted by virago at 8:39 AM on July 3, 2022
Hi. I’m my-username. I have to reign in my personality when dealing with clients.
posted by my-username at 9:06 AM on July 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by my-username at 9:06 AM on July 3, 2022 [1 favorite]
Hi I'm symbioid. My old classmate asked me once a few years after high school - "Why are you so up here (holds his hand above his head) but other times you're just... like... way down here (holds other hand below his knee)"
(This was re: general Intellect vs emotional intelligence/childish "humor" IIRC)
posted by symbioid at 9:07 AM on July 3, 2022
(This was re: general Intellect vs emotional intelligence/childish "humor" IIRC)
posted by symbioid at 9:07 AM on July 3, 2022
Hi I'm Phobos and I dance like a muppet.
posted by Phobos the Space Potato at 1:14 PM on July 3, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by Phobos the Space Potato at 1:14 PM on July 3, 2022 [2 favorites]
Hi, I'm paperpete. I should've been born in the eighteenth century!
posted by paperpete at 8:27 AM on July 5, 2022
posted by paperpete at 8:27 AM on July 5, 2022
Hi, I’m 43rdAnd9th, and I don’t have to make a joke out of everything, you know.
posted by 43rdAnd9th at 2:21 PM on July 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by 43rdAnd9th at 2:21 PM on July 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
Ooooh I just remembered the one which makes me the most strangely proud:
Hi! I'm Sauter Vaguely, and I baked the second best cake someone ever tasted.
posted by Sauter Vaguely at 5:53 PM on July 7, 2022 [1 favorite]
Hi! I'm Sauter Vaguely, and I baked the second best cake someone ever tasted.
posted by Sauter Vaguely at 5:53 PM on July 7, 2022 [1 favorite]
Hi, I’m Fuego and I lack the gravitas to be a manager.
Hang in there! We are legion.
posted by GCU Experiencing A Significant Gravitas Shortfall at 8:50 PM on July 19, 2022
Hang in there! We are legion.
posted by GCU Experiencing A Significant Gravitas Shortfall at 8:50 PM on July 19, 2022
« Older Llegó Julio | How Ocean City cleared the gulls from its... Newer »
This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments
posted by glonous keming at 8:52 AM on July 1, 2022 [1 favorite]