The Internet Wants To Get Murdered By Clue's Sexy New Cast

January 7, 2023 12:40 AM

Earlier this week, Hasbro released a new version of Clue, its classic, 75-year-old murder mystery board game. While the game is still played the same, the characters and artwork have been changed to better connect with players in 2023. And it seems the artists at Hasbro succeeded because the internet is now very horny for the new cast of potential murderers.

Is this just a marketing thing? Yes. Yes, it is. Is Clue, in the words of world's greatest detective Benoit Blanc, "just a terrible, terrible game"? Yeah, probably. Are some otherwise respectable gaming websites totally wrong in their rankings of the new characters by hotness? Well, obviously, because Mayor Green didn't spend all that time cultivating a Riker look for nothing. But hey, it's all in good... fun.

posted by Etrigan (64 comments total)

Me and my friends never played Clue the way it is supposed to be played. Instead, we basically played our own game using the pieces that was more or less Battle Royale: you had to race around the mansion to find a weapon (knife and revolver were best), and then attempt to kill the other players without being witnessed doing so. It was fun. I have no opinions on the actual clue.
posted by LeRoienJaune at 12:50 AM on January 7, 2023 [55 favorites]

Wow please immediately tell us more about the rules of this variant
posted by DoctorFedora at 1:29 AM on January 7, 2023 [40 favorites]

That variant sounds similar to the Cheap Ass Game, Kill Doctor Lucky, which is sort of like the prequel to Clue. The players are following the title character as they move according to some rules through the mansion, trying to get into a room alone with them and with no sight lines from the players in the other rooms, so that they can, well, kill doctor lucky.
posted by autopilot at 2:09 AM on January 7, 2023 [16 favorites]

While the game is still played the same, the characters and artwork have been changed to better connect with players in 2023.

Etrigan already mentioned Benoit Blanc, but for a moment I honestly hoped Clue 2023 would feature characters from the Knives Out universe...
posted by bigendian at 3:01 AM on January 7, 2023 [5 favorites]

I think I managed to break Kill Doctor Lucky once. We got into a stalemate situation, where everyone had a bunch of tokens, you had to use them to try and get a kill through, and we'd all worked out that if you don't spend your own tokens, you can force the last person to try and block a kill to spend all their tokens. We kept going around and around passing tokens back and forth, until someone miscalculated and needed the last player to play more tokens than they had. It was miserable.
posted by Merus at 3:22 AM on January 7, 2023 [3 favorites]

I'll grant you the rest, but Ms Peacock looks like she just voted "present" in the GOP House.
posted by zompist at 4:07 AM on January 7, 2023 [29 favorites]

We kept going around and around passing tokens back and forth, until someone miscalculated and needed the last player to play more tokens than they had.

Maybe things have changed in a later edition of the game, but I thought you spent the kill-thwarting cards (in my edition), not give them to anyone. So it should have ended sooner rather than later.

Also, seems like pure game theory to decide that the last person in turn order needs to be entirely responsible in keeping everyone from losing, but it's a risky strategy because they might not be able to (or they might be done with prolonging an unpleasant experience — cf. Munchkin).
posted by cardioid at 4:09 AM on January 7, 2023 [3 favorites]

I honestly hoped Clue 2023 would feature characters from the Knives Out universe...

A Clue-esque Blanciverse game would be so great! And better than Clue by default for its Blanc-ness. Hoping this is being invented somewhere.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 4:40 AM on January 7, 2023

Oh, it's Professor Plum. For some reason, looking at the picture, I thought he might be called Mr Mauve.

Cluedo always used to freak me out, because on the cards it looked like the "characters" had been bottled with just their heads poking out of the top of their glass prison. It's basically a logic game, isn't it?

The problem with board games was that you had to find at least two other people who were as desperate for distraction as you were and they often weren't available. And then if they were you had to decode the rules. Sometimes the rules would be printed on the bottom of the box, so I would try to read them by lifting the box above my head rather than spilling all the stuff everywhere, which is usually what happened anyway. I always did have a problem with objective reality.
posted by Grangousier at 5:25 AM on January 7, 2023 [8 favorites]

It's basically a logic game, isn't it?


In the sense that you can win by deducing you yourself are the murderer, which seems like it cries out for a rebranding as a Memento sort of adaptation.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 5:42 AM on January 7, 2023 [4 favorites]

Is Professor Plum left handed? Or does he just wear his watch on the right wrist? And if he is left handed, why is the pencil behind his right ear??

But yes, these new characters are uncomfortably horny, especially the way they’re all looking directly at you. I am all in on being part of a green-white-plum sandwich.

And to be clear, I’m only including Green because he looks like Jonathan Frakes telling me I’m wrong.
posted by uncleozzy at 6:06 AM on January 7, 2023 [5 favorites]

does he just wear his watch on the right wrist?

I've noticed people doing this nowadays to get more "steps" on their smartwatch. It's a pretty good character detail for someone who might not be quite what they seem!
posted by basalganglia at 6:21 AM on January 7, 2023 [8 favorites]

I'm right-handed but wear my smartwatch on my right wrist because the tattoos on my left arm render the wrist detection/heartbeat monitor/etc useless.
posted by misskaz at 6:29 AM on January 7, 2023 [1 favorite]

I kinda sighed reading the headline but then I clicked and omg, yeah, that’s very finger on the pulse, I nearly wanna get it for the kitch value in twenty more years. It’s gorgeous and the comment about future generations of kits pointing to Chef White as their sexual awakening is, well, chefs kiss.
posted by Iteki at 6:35 AM on January 7, 2023 [1 favorite]

I am not entirely proud of the degree to which I agree with this. (I'm from the generation whose sexual awakening involved Cheetara, which isn't too far removed.)

does he just wear his watch on the right wrist?

I'm right handed and have always done so. These days I have a fancy nurses' watch, 'cause watch straps on either hand drive me nuts. But, a watch on the left hand feels incredibly strange.
posted by eotvos at 6:48 AM on January 7, 2023

Huh. I don’t want to derail this about watches, but it’s funny because I’m left handed and have always worn a watch the “normal” way on my left arm (when I wear one).
posted by uncleozzy at 6:55 AM on January 7, 2023 [2 favorites]

Professor Plum is ambidextrous, obviously.
posted by BlueJae at 6:59 AM on January 7, 2023 [11 favorites]

Me and my friends never played Clue the way it is supposed to be played. Instead, we basically played our own game using the pieces that was more or less Battle Royale: you had to race around the mansion to find a weapon (knife and revolver were best), and then attempt to kill the other players

My brother and I used to play a similar game but using the board and pieces from the game of Life.
posted by grog at 7:02 AM on January 7, 2023 [3 favorites]

Professor Plum is ambidextrous, obviously.

From your lips to Hasbro’s ears
posted by uncleozzy at 7:09 AM on January 7, 2023 [1 favorite]

Colonel Mustard in my butt with the candlestick.
posted by Nelson at 7:21 AM on January 7, 2023 [37 favorites]

Just want to shout out to Zack Zwiezen at Kotaku for writing that first link. Such a deliciously link-heavy article! Usually this kind of thing is a quick 30 minute write, embed a few funny tweets and call it a day. This article is a masterwork of deep linking. Young people are horny and Kotaku is on it!

The bummer is that all the links are to the same one piece of art, the box cover art. Hasbro's definitely missing a beat here not immediately releasing a bunch of remixable art of each character standing by themself.
posted by Nelson at 7:23 AM on January 7, 2023 [7 favorites]

Honestly, it's going to take more than some updated game art to make me--

[sees Chef White]

--OK, wherever with whatever, I'm in.
posted by Halloween Jack at 7:36 AM on January 7, 2023 [18 favorites]

Chef White in the boudoir with her supple hands.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 7:41 AM on January 7, 2023 [4 favorites]

She's a chef. Her hands are probably a mess of scar tissue and dry, cracked skin.
posted by uncleozzy at 7:45 AM on January 7, 2023 [20 favorites]

uncleozzy's posts: where sexual fantasy collides with abrasive reality.
posted by Larry David Syndrome at 8:14 AM on January 7, 2023 [25 favorites]

Another right-hander who wears watch on the right. Got in the habit while my left forearm tattoo was healing, never got around to switching back.
posted by solotoro at 8:19 AM on January 7, 2023

A Clue-esque Blanciverse game would be so great!

I'm imagining something like Fiasco, only all of the PCs are eccentric detectives.
posted by MrBadExample at 8:52 AM on January 7, 2023 [3 favorites]

Hasbro's definitely missing a beat here not immediately releasing a bunch of remixable art of each character standing by themself.

They are too busy fucking over the role play community.
posted by Mitheral at 9:12 AM on January 7, 2023 [10 favorites]

It's basically a logic game, isn't it?

Our household variant set up a more complex psychological process. Basically is my sister lying about holding a particular card? Its not really an improvement if I am honest.
posted by biffa at 9:14 AM on January 7, 2023 [1 favorite]

I'm imagining something like Fiasco, only all of the PCs are eccentric detectives.

You could take a look at Brindlewood Bay, a TTRPG where you play “old lady” detectives in a small town; it’s very easy to reskin….
posted by GenjiandProust at 9:25 AM on January 7, 2023 [3 favorites]

OK now cast the movie that would be made today with these characters.
posted by seanmpuckett at 9:45 AM on January 7, 2023 [1 favorite]

Chef White is obviously played by Ruby Rose.
posted by LindsayIrene at 9:49 AM on January 7, 2023 [3 favorites]

Chef White is all over my social media as the character most likely to give somebody a sexual awakening of some sort.
posted by gentlyepigrams at 9:50 AM on January 7, 2023 [1 favorite]

these new characters are uncomfortably horny, especially the way they’re all looking directly at you.

Even the haunted portrait of Mr. Body is giving you the look while unbuttoning his shirt sleeve.
posted by straight at 9:51 AM on January 7, 2023 [5 favorites]

Your Honor, as evidence I submit Mr. Green's search history as to him being down for anything and everyone, but especially Klingons and empaths.

Further, I submit to the court that Mr. Green is simply not bright enough to have committed the murder in question, as his hands remain constricted to this day.
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 10:08 AM on January 7, 2023 [2 favorites]

. (I'm from the generation whose sexual awakening involved Cheetara, which isn't too far removed.)

I'm sure that a lot of gay men (and possibly even cis women) picked up, from the old He-Man show, a thing for muscle-bound monster people and, especially, furry underwear.

Colonel Mustard in my butt with the candlestick.

Paging Chuck Tingle....

So, on the question of Clue/Cluedo's worthiness as a game. The problem is coming up with a way to make deduction-style gameplay work in such a way that can be randomly determined by board game pieces, doesn't prioritize one player as the mystery setter/DM, and can generate clues (again purely by using board game parts and mechanisms) so that someone could deduce the solution. There may not be a way to satisfy all of these requiements at once; Clue might be the best that can be done.

However, if we relax one of the requirements, we might be able to come up with something interesting. Because I've thought a little about this, if you'd permit a little spitballing, let me throw out a few ideas to the audient void.

Random determination of the mystery. Betrayal at House on the Hill uses a scenario book that picks a story that the players will take part in, but doesn't reveal all of the information at the beginning. Maybe something like that could be adapted for a mystery game? Or, how about a game where each participant determines one part of the mystery--killer, weapon, opportunity, motive, maybe others--so everyone starts out with a piece of the puzzle, but the rules and mechanics interacted to give other players a way to figure out your part of the whole? A premise without a method of implementation is pretty useless, I recognize, but at least identifying that this might be an interesting mechanic might spur someone's ingenuity.

Not priortizing one player as the game runner: you're basically doing a mystery RPG at this point, and a group could easily just go with that. If the GM were also playing the killer, or perhaps the victim, it would help to consolidate the non-player roles.

On generating clues, I think a couple of novel mechanics could be worked with a deck of cards. Like, starting with a sorted deck, which is then quickly shuffled before dealing out, to add a limited amount of chaos to the game setup. Or, maybe cards don't all have identical backs, to allow players to observe some elements of the game state at the table that would ordinarily be hidden. I don't pretend that there wouldn't be some problems with this, but thinking about overturning game conventions helps to generate new designs.
posted by JHarris at 11:41 AM on January 7, 2023 [4 favorites]

Clue: Master Detective is the superior version of Clue. And now finally reprinted!
posted by fimbulvetr at 12:14 PM on January 7, 2023 [2 favorites]

Mystery Express? But your mileage may vary if your criteria is being horny for the characters.
posted by RobotHero at 12:36 PM on January 7, 2023

Glen Weldon called it: This is Gay CLUE.
posted by latkes at 1:07 PM on January 7, 2023 [3 favorites]

I'm not really a fan of character designs that include older men, but all the women are either young or vaguely forever thirtysomething like Congresswoman Peacock.

Additionally, I'm still mad about losing the last time I played because the person setting up the game accidentally dropped a card on the floor. Accidentally, I have my doubts.
posted by betweenthebars at 1:12 PM on January 7, 2023 [3 favorites]

One night ultimate werewolf checks all your boxes JHarris
posted by Mitheral at 1:14 PM on January 7, 2023 [1 favorite]

My favourite variant is the one based on the fact there are no loos in the Cluedo mansion, and therefore you must find a space that's out of the other pieces' lines of sight and spend a turn there having a quiet pee.
posted by Hogshead at 1:16 PM on January 7, 2023 [13 favorites]

Ok these are objectively fabulous. Even as a kid I knew the characters screamed dated.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 1:40 PM on January 7, 2023 [1 favorite]

Holmes in a Phaeton with a gasogene.
posted by clavdivs at 2:15 PM on January 7, 2023 [2 favorites]

I think Aziraphale would have something to say about the depiction of Colonel Mustard here.
posted by humbug at 2:56 PM on January 7, 2023 [2 favorites]

On the Kill Dr Lucky derail, I always found that it while worked thematically, mechanically it was pretty awful, basically all the players beelined straight to the Dr and there was no reason for you to be elsewhere in the house - you either want to kill him yourself, or be close enough that another person can't kill him since you're a witness.

The sequel, Save Dr Lucky, had a much improved theme and mechanic - you're all sinking on the Titanic, and you are competing to hand him an item that will save him from drowning, so you get a rich reward later, but the twist is that someone else must witness you saving him. So now you want to get close to him, but not too close that you accidentally enable else to make the save, which is an actually interesting mechanic.

Also the game naturally has a time limit as the decks flood one by one and forces everyone into a smaller and smaller space so it's inevitable that someone will get to save him with a witness, which is wonderfully thematic and mechanically sound, while there's no corresponding time out mechanic for the kill version.
posted by xdvesper at 3:03 PM on January 7, 2023 [4 favorites]

Metafilter: no old dudes.
posted by Don.Kinsayder at 3:09 PM on January 7, 2023

Betweenthebars, I've seen an awful lot of folks commenting that Congresswoman Peacock, as you call her, looks quite a bit like Shohreh Agadashloo, who's 70. Maybe that helps?
posted by peppermind at 3:15 PM on January 7, 2023 [1 favorite]

Is this going to be the new sexy Yuletide fandom to replace the Folgers incest commercial?
posted by kitten kaboodle at 3:45 PM on January 7, 2023 [2 favorites]

On reflection, Colonel Mustard is giving Boat Zaddy Captain Lee.
posted by uncleozzy at 3:47 PM on January 7, 2023

Shohreh Aghdashloo

I can see that, and she also tracks very well in terms of being thirsted over by the same subset of internet that would fanfic the characters off a boardgame box. We got very obsessed with her after Expanse and Arcane.

I myself have the Golden Girls Cluedo. I got it as a present about 2 years after I was screaming about it's planned launch on my socials. I promptly forgot about it and then was completely confused when it turned up for Christmas.
posted by Iteki at 3:51 PM on January 7, 2023

I should mention that there is no murder, it's who ate the cheesecake. It's a bit naff.
posted by Iteki at 3:55 PM on January 7, 2023 [5 favorites]

Sophia, in the kitchen, with a cup of black coffee.
posted by uncleozzy at 3:58 PM on January 7, 2023 [5 favorites]

Disappointed that the "ranked by hotness" article doesn't follow through with comparing each characters' hotness to cheese. They got off to a nice start comparing Mayor Green to "pre-grated mild cheddar (and subsequently left in the supermarket)" but dropped the ball.
posted by kirkaracha at 4:03 PM on January 7, 2023 [4 favorites]

Doctor Fedora: As I recall, you have 2d6 movement if unarmed, 1d6 movement if armed. Revolver is the best weapon, allowing ranged attacks (but only six shots); Noose is ranged (straight line) but has only one usage; knife is the best close range weapon, scoring a kill on a 4-6; pipe or candlestick only scores on 5-6;

If you attempt a murder and it is witnessed (a third party in line of sight), then the witness can convene the whole gang and you get carted off to jail. Winner is the last player alive who has not been jailed.

So MurderClue (or Clue Royale?) is basically a game of maneuver and tempo: the race to acquire the scattered murder weapons isolates and separates the players, and then you have to carefully stalk your targets. And of course, there's the whole delicate balance: two's a murder, but three's a murder conviction. It's a fun game, much better than Clue IMO.
posted by LeRoienJaune at 4:12 PM on January 7, 2023 [6 favorites]

Colonel Mustard has a sort of Pierce-y Brosnan-y thing going on that I heartily approve of.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 6:02 PM on January 7, 2023 [1 favorite]

there are no loos in the Cluedo mansion

So, the Loo-no mansion.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 6:03 PM on January 7, 2023

JHarris: the problem with clue is the die. It adds way too much randomness into how often you get to make a guess, combined with the fact that what rooms you know/need to know more about may be in vastly different places for different players. I think Sleuth is a MUCH better version of what makes Clue fun.
posted by aspo at 10:29 PM on January 7, 2023 [1 favorite]

Eager to see the spy in SexyAss Stratego!
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 1:39 AM on January 8, 2023 [2 favorites]

Now do Axis & Allies.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 2:01 PM on January 8, 2023 [3 favorites]

This seemed like the most obviously astro-turfed viral marketing campaign I've seen. They clearly designed the box art, paid for some of the tweets and the article about the tweets all as part of the same launch campaign ... right? Not that real people didn't jump on the bandwagon, and some of it has been pretty funny, but it's all blatantly manufactured ... isn't it? Am I crazy?
posted by Infracanophile at 5:31 PM on January 8, 2023 [4 favorites]

Pepsi Clue?
posted by Nelson at 5:43 PM on January 8, 2023 [6 favorites]

Here is Cluedon't by Grant Howitt, a one-page rpg using a Clue board.
posted by Ipsifendus at 4:24 AM on January 9, 2023 [4 favorites]

Nelson wins.
posted by JHarris at 6:25 PM on January 9, 2023