Freeze Your Kids with This New Technology

February 27, 2023 8:25 AM

If you've experienced symptoms of having kids in a country with no Federally funded childcare, comically short maternity leave, and rampant discrimination against working moms, then it's time to talk to your doctor about Cryo-Child.
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries (12 comments total)

A modest proposal...
posted by beagle at 8:59 AM on February 27, 2023 [4 favorites]

Hilarious!
posted by mareli at 9:12 AM on February 27, 2023

From the makers of Nap Time! spray
posted by bartleby at 9:35 AM on February 27, 2023 [3 favorites]

As a longstanding advocate for burying them in the back yard when they turn 15 and not digging them up again until they're 25, I find this product intriguing and wish to be added to its mailing list.
posted by flabdablet at 10:49 AM on February 27, 2023 [4 favorites]

Just be sure that you unfreeze the right ones. Otherwise you'll wind up killed on Venus.
posted by Mogur at 10:51 AM on February 27, 2023 [2 favorites]

This is sick and wrong and freezing babies or children should be a capital crime.

Everyone knows that babies and small children are best eaten fresh. If you freeze them they get all weird, tough and chewy.
posted by loquacious at 12:15 PM on February 27, 2023 [7 favorites]

This reminds me of a science fiction short story (a real one!) where parents had the option of putting their kids into some sort of stasis and taking them out when it is convenient. One of the ways the person (a man, I think) who was the focus of the story knew it was time to get a divorce was when they and their partner started taking the kid out of storage less and less often. I believe this was an ancillary part of the story and not part of the main plot. Does anyone remember that story? I'm going to have to use an Ask on it if someone here doesn't remember.
posted by OrangeDisk at 12:56 PM on February 27, 2023 [3 favorites]

I think the real distopian idea would be to take giant loans on your children so you can afford to have them young. Yes, lady may have climbed the corporate ladder high enough to afford children, but have fun actually playing with them, hope you can carry them, and enjoy them graduating high school at about the time you turn 65. You might get to see your grandkids turn 3 if you eat really healthy, exercise, and get really lucky.
posted by The_Vegetables at 1:03 PM on February 27, 2023 [3 favorites]

Real talk, the "best" think that happened to my family was covid (yes, I have A LOT of guilt about that, and yes, my children brought home our first case to the entire family in January). My twins were born 6 months "before" covid, and both of our jobs are still basically WFH and will be forever. We have daycare, but the family time and flexibility we have gained is...well, I didn't really have kids in the before times, but when preschool starts, I won't need aftercare.
posted by atomicstone at 4:24 PM on February 27, 2023 [2 favorites]

Does anyone remember that story? I'm going to have to use an Ask on it if someone here doesn't remember.

I don’t, but now I’m wondering if I’ve read it, as “How long do you think it would take our kids to grow up if we had a pause button?” Has been one of my weary parent hypotheticals for a while.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 11:46 PM on February 27, 2023

Does anyone remember that story? I'm going to have to use an Ask on it if someone here doesn't remember.

I'm reminded of A Ticket to Tranai, by Robert Sheckley, but that has husbands putting their wives in stasis, not parents doing it to their children.
posted by cardioid at 6:03 AM on February 28, 2023

I don't have it handy, but in one of Tom Tomorrow's early long comics, he already did this idea, as part of his "This Modern World" retro-future-clipart zines.
posted by emjaybee at 8:29 AM on February 28, 2023