"I'm sure you have the same question about this that I did."
May 30, 2023 3:33 PM Subscribe
"Who's Having Sex on the Wienermobile?" (Slate, adapted from the book Raw Dog: The Naked Truth About Hot Dogs)
I got to ride in a Weinermobile once in Chicago because a friend of a friend was one of the drivers, and hand to god, we would not have gotten more attention from people on the street if we’d been in the popemobile. People lost their minds.
This article (which is honestly only like 15% about fucking) did make me wonder whether anyone has been seriously injured doing this job, either in a crash or by a creepy hot dog stalker. If anyone has, I wouldn’t be surprised if nobody outside the company ever hears about it.
posted by showbiz_liz at 3:52 PM on May 30, 2023 [5 favorites]
This article (which is honestly only like 15% about fucking) did make me wonder whether anyone has been seriously injured doing this job, either in a crash or by a creepy hot dog stalker. If anyone has, I wouldn’t be surprised if nobody outside the company ever hears about it.
posted by showbiz_liz at 3:52 PM on May 30, 2023 [5 favorites]
Someone at Kraft Heinz marketing is having an aneurysm right now. Guaranteed.
posted by JoeZydeco at 3:55 PM on May 30, 2023
posted by JoeZydeco at 3:55 PM on May 30, 2023
The buried lede here is this is by Jamie Loftus! Everything she does is worth a look, at the very least.
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:58 PM on May 30, 2023 [10 favorites]
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:58 PM on May 30, 2023 [10 favorites]
"The Nutmobile is far less popular"
posted by BungaDunga at 4:00 PM on May 30, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by BungaDunga at 4:00 PM on May 30, 2023 [1 favorite]
Jamie Loftus is a fucken national treasure. Got my preorder copy the other day but haven’t sat down with it yet.
posted by slogger at 4:02 PM on May 30, 2023 [5 favorites]
posted by slogger at 4:02 PM on May 30, 2023 [5 favorites]
The longer I'm involved with furry and its weird macro/gigantism/StompOnCities thing that goes on, the less "I'm having sex inside of a giant weinermobile" is a weird giant penis sex thing I've encountered in my life.
Not my fantasies, but certainly a thing I can't unsee.
posted by hippybear at 4:24 PM on May 30, 2023
Not my fantasies, but certainly a thing I can't unsee.
posted by hippybear at 4:24 PM on May 30, 2023
This post was a great reminder that I was looking forward to this!
Consequently, I was pleased to get the hold confirmation from my public library that told me what my "hold position" was on Raw Dog.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 4:28 PM on May 30, 2023 [6 favorites]
Consequently, I was pleased to get the hold confirmation from my public library that told me what my "hold position" was on Raw Dog.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 4:28 PM on May 30, 2023 [6 favorites]
*flashes a complicated hand sign*
"So tell me...are you a Ballpark Frank?"
posted by allium cepa at 4:32 PM on May 30, 2023 [1 favorite]
"So tell me...are you a Ballpark Frank?"
posted by allium cepa at 4:32 PM on May 30, 2023 [1 favorite]
I saw Jamie Loftus live a couple of weeks ago (touring with Sarah Marshall for live You’re Wrong About) and she was an absolute delight.
posted by dehowell at 4:36 PM on May 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by dehowell at 4:36 PM on May 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
"Who's Having Sex on the Wienermobile?"
Personally I'd rather have sex in the Wienermobile...seems less dangerous.
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:41 PM on May 30, 2023 [4 favorites]
Personally I'd rather have sex in the Wienermobile...seems less dangerous.
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:41 PM on May 30, 2023 [4 favorites]
The buried lede here is this is by Jamie Loftus! Everything she does is worth a look, at the very least.
She's so good:
It’s fucking magnificent, and Lauren and Nick really had to lobby to get the gig. The pair had extremely different approaches to securing the job—they make sure to mention that fewer people have driven the Wienermobile than have been to the moon (not true), and that it’s statistically harder to secure employment in a gigantic hot dog than it is to get into Harvard. These are all lines pulled directly from the company’s website, but hey, these kids are working in public relations. I am the public, and I’m sucking it down like a skinless frank.
Both met the basic qualifications to apply for the yearlong position (a 3.0-plus GPA and a valid driver’s license), which involves a two-week training in Wisconsin and two legs of driving of six months apiece, with a change in regional assignment and driving partner midway through the year. Hotdoggers live a functional paid yearlong sabbatical, living out of hotels and short-term housing between long driving stints, between which they’re expected to show up to a series of press events and are empowered to arrange their own public appearances.
This has been the process for Hotdoggers since the post-college processed-meat gap-year program began in 1988, and it’s had a huge impact on those who’ve participated, whether they ended up fucking each other or not. One of my favorite examples is Robin Gelfenbien, a woman who worked for the program between 1993 and 1994 and was so affected by it she wrote a one-woman show on the subject 15 years later called My Salvation Has a First Name (A Wienermobile Journey) at the New York Fringe Festival.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 4:56 PM on May 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
She's so good:
It’s fucking magnificent, and Lauren and Nick really had to lobby to get the gig. The pair had extremely different approaches to securing the job—they make sure to mention that fewer people have driven the Wienermobile than have been to the moon (not true), and that it’s statistically harder to secure employment in a gigantic hot dog than it is to get into Harvard. These are all lines pulled directly from the company’s website, but hey, these kids are working in public relations. I am the public, and I’m sucking it down like a skinless frank.
Both met the basic qualifications to apply for the yearlong position (a 3.0-plus GPA and a valid driver’s license), which involves a two-week training in Wisconsin and two legs of driving of six months apiece, with a change in regional assignment and driving partner midway through the year. Hotdoggers live a functional paid yearlong sabbatical, living out of hotels and short-term housing between long driving stints, between which they’re expected to show up to a series of press events and are empowered to arrange their own public appearances.
This has been the process for Hotdoggers since the post-college processed-meat gap-year program began in 1988, and it’s had a huge impact on those who’ve participated, whether they ended up fucking each other or not. One of my favorite examples is Robin Gelfenbien, a woman who worked for the program between 1993 and 1994 and was so affected by it she wrote a one-woman show on the subject 15 years later called My Salvation Has a First Name (A Wienermobile Journey) at the New York Fringe Festival.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 4:56 PM on May 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
Before they take to the road, the 12 Hotdoggers-in-training spend two weeks at headquarters in Madison, Wisconsin, in a truly demented adult summer camp called Hot Dog High [which includes] a half day on hot dog puns alone.
That kills any interest I might have had in being a Wienermobile driver. I mean, I love corny puns as much as (likely more than) the next person; but even I have my limits.
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:57 PM on May 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
That kills any interest I might have had in being a Wienermobile driver. I mean, I love corny puns as much as (likely more than) the next person; but even I have my limits.
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:57 PM on May 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
Sometimes it's better not to see how the sausage is made.
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 5:02 PM on May 30, 2023 [18 favorites]
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 5:02 PM on May 30, 2023 [18 favorites]
But importantly, did they have sex to complet-ion? Completotion?
Chileans, help me out here, there's a joke about 'finishing' at sex and completo in there somewhere.
posted by bartleby at 5:02 PM on May 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
Chileans, help me out here, there's a joke about 'finishing' at sex and completo in there somewhere.
posted by bartleby at 5:02 PM on May 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
I love corny puns as much as (likely more than) the next person; but even I have my limits
That's why it's wise to make sure someone's casing the joint first.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 5:03 PM on May 30, 2023 [15 favorites]
That's why it's wise to make sure someone's casing the joint first.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 5:03 PM on May 30, 2023 [15 favorites]
ಠ_ಠ
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:06 PM on May 30, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:06 PM on May 30, 2023 [4 favorites]
The nice thing is, if you can't drive the weiner, you can maybe drive the nuts. (There's a joke in there somewhere just yearning to breathe free.)
posted by Floydd at 5:41 PM on May 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by Floydd at 5:41 PM on May 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
Reimagining Cronenberg's "Crash" with a head-on collision between two Weinermobiles
posted by phooky at 6:07 PM on May 30, 2023 [12 favorites]
posted by phooky at 6:07 PM on May 30, 2023 [12 favorites]
I mean, I love corny puns as much as (likely more than) the next person; but even I have my limits.
Alas, the Gates of Paradise were guaranteed to you, but, with one careless phrase, you cast yourself into Perdition.
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:09 PM on May 30, 2023 [5 favorites]
Alas, the Gates of Paradise were guaranteed to you, but, with one careless phrase, you cast yourself into Perdition.
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:09 PM on May 30, 2023 [5 favorites]
That's what I get for hotdogging, I guess...
posted by Greg_Ace at 6:15 PM on May 30, 2023 [5 favorites]
posted by Greg_Ace at 6:15 PM on May 30, 2023 [5 favorites]
Reimagining Cronenberg's "Crash" with a head-on collision between two Weinermobiles
*Elias Koteas approaches with a Polaroid camera, and stops, dumbfounded*
"They did it. They did the Oscar Mayer."
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 6:16 PM on May 30, 2023 [6 favorites]
*Elias Koteas approaches with a Polaroid camera, and stops, dumbfounded*
"They did it. They did the Oscar Mayer."
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 6:16 PM on May 30, 2023 [6 favorites]
This reminded me of the excellent hot dog gag in the well-crafted Cul De Sac cartoon strip by Richard Thompson.
posted by JDC8 at 6:58 PM on May 30, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by JDC8 at 6:58 PM on May 30, 2023 [1 favorite]
Oh man the way this ended, though
posted by Mchelly at 7:03 PM on May 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by Mchelly at 7:03 PM on May 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
That kills any interest I might have had in being a Wienermobile driver. I mean, I love corny puns as much as (likely more than) the next person; but even I have my limits.
I don't know. If I were still single, this would still be an attractive proposition.
posted by ocschwar at 7:24 PM on May 30, 2023
I don't know. If I were still single, this would still be an attractive proposition.
posted by ocschwar at 7:24 PM on May 30, 2023
It may sound like fun on a bun, but I've heard most applicants weenie out at some point.
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:32 PM on May 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:32 PM on May 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
I fear you've only heard about the brats, and the wurst of the bunch.
posted by hippybear at 7:35 PM on May 30, 2023 [7 favorites]
posted by hippybear at 7:35 PM on May 30, 2023 [7 favorites]
In the early 90s, maybe 1991, one of the Weinermobiles came to my hometown and they happened to park it in the parking lot where I worked. I talked the drivers and they were a married couple that had been driving around for several months around the country. They were very funny and friendly and when I said I'd like to drive around with the Weinermobile, too someday, they gave me the lowdown on how to apply (it was a little involved but long story short, I never did get that gig). But I remember those two being very fun people and also there is just no way they didn't bone in there at some point. I mean, why wouldn't you?
posted by zardoz at 7:56 PM on May 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by zardoz at 7:56 PM on May 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
“Let me understand, you got the frank, the wiener, and the bun. The wiener goes with the bun. So who’s having sex with the frank?”
“They’re all hot dogs. The bun has sex with all of them.”
“That’s perverse!”
posted by AndrewInDC at 7:59 PM on May 30, 2023 [1 favorite]
“They’re all hot dogs. The bun has sex with all of them.”
“That’s perverse!”
posted by AndrewInDC at 7:59 PM on May 30, 2023 [1 favorite]
Ultimately humanity has boned in every conceivable place.
posted by hippybear at 7:59 PM on May 30, 2023 [4 favorites]
posted by hippybear at 7:59 PM on May 30, 2023 [4 favorites]
I just finished the audiobook, it is fantastic. I cannot recommend it more highly, it’s I delight through and through. Equal parts confessional memoir, sociological history, food writing, and critique of American capitalism in the time of corona.
posted by Jon_Evil at 8:13 PM on May 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by Jon_Evil at 8:13 PM on May 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
Anyone else feel weird about joking about this when it's ultimately a story about young women being harassed and assaulted?
posted by medusa at 9:05 PM on May 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by medusa at 9:05 PM on May 30, 2023 [2 favorites]
I don't recall anyone joking about harassed women.
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:14 PM on May 30, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:14 PM on May 30, 2023 [1 favorite]
Competitive hot dog eating is by its nature performative, however metaphorical.
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 10:58 PM on May 30, 2023
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 10:58 PM on May 30, 2023
Extra points if you do it under the ogling eye of the Doggie Diner
posted by chavenet at 3:41 AM on May 31, 2023
posted by chavenet at 3:41 AM on May 31, 2023
Reminds me of the time I was chided for bad language at a church charity fundraiser.
You see, I went to the food stand and asked for one, Chicago-style, with extra relish. They handed me a plain sausage-on-a-stick. I looked at the person handing me my food, completely confused.
They asked me "what's the problem?"
I replied: "well you see, this is missing something essential. I wanted a bun, dog-on-it"
posted by allium cepa at 5:26 AM on May 31, 2023 [2 favorites]
You see, I went to the food stand and asked for one, Chicago-style, with extra relish. They handed me a plain sausage-on-a-stick. I looked at the person handing me my food, completely confused.
They asked me "what's the problem?"
I replied: "well you see, this is missing something essential. I wanted a bun, dog-on-it"
posted by allium cepa at 5:26 AM on May 31, 2023 [2 favorites]
Skinny Legs and All came to mind immediately, but that was a giant turkey, not a hot dog.
A lot of fucking, though.
posted by MtDewd at 5:36 AM on May 31, 2023
A lot of fucking, though.
posted by MtDewd at 5:36 AM on May 31, 2023
Describing the size of the Weinermobile using hot dogs as units was my favorite part.
posted by tommasz at 5:54 AM on May 31, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by tommasz at 5:54 AM on May 31, 2023 [1 favorite]
I don't recall anyone joking about harassed women.
Not in the thread, but article ends with descriptions of harassment towards the woman in the story, which sours the humor some. This is a Loftus trademark — give her something dorky and/or wholesome, and she will find the ugly underside. Give her something weird or despised and she’ll find a ray of hope. It was a jarring place to end the piece.
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:19 AM on May 31, 2023 [5 favorites]
Not in the thread, but article ends with descriptions of harassment towards the woman in the story, which sours the humor some. This is a Loftus trademark — give her something dorky and/or wholesome, and she will find the ugly underside. Give her something weird or despised and she’ll find a ray of hope. It was a jarring place to end the piece.
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:19 AM on May 31, 2023 [5 favorites]
Originally, the 13-foot-long metal hot dog monstrosity was used as a chariot for the company’s now-defunct and extremely dated mascot “Little Oscar, World’s Smallest Chef.” The character was played by actor Meinhardt Raabe, best known for playing the coroner munchkin in The Wizard of Oz. He began traveling in the Wienermobile beginning in 1937 and well into the World War II years.
This paragraph made me pause and wonder, "Am I high at work on a Wednesday morning? Is this a flashback?"
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 8:16 AM on May 31, 2023 [2 favorites]
This paragraph made me pause and wonder, "Am I high at work on a Wednesday morning? Is this a flashback?"
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 8:16 AM on May 31, 2023 [2 favorites]
I've been high at work on a Wednesday morning before.
posted by hippybear at 3:50 PM on May 31, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by hippybear at 3:50 PM on May 31, 2023 [3 favorites]
I'm sure you have the same question about this that I did.
posted by taz at 7:27 AM on June 1, 2023 [3 favorites]
posted by taz at 7:27 AM on June 1, 2023 [3 favorites]
Thanks to an Idahoan AirBnB entrepreneur, all you Samwise Gamgee perverts can rent out this sex potato and its elegant grain silo bathroom.
posted by bartleby at 4:06 PM on June 1, 2023 [2 favorites]
posted by bartleby at 4:06 PM on June 1, 2023 [2 favorites]
I don't think I could manage to feel sexy in Idaho, even if I was hiding inside a giant potato.
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:32 PM on June 1, 2023
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:32 PM on June 1, 2023
perverts can rent out this sex potato
also known as a giant fucking potato
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 7:00 PM on June 1, 2023 [3 favorites]
also known as a giant fucking potato
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 7:00 PM on June 1, 2023 [3 favorites]
a giant fucking potato
a potato for giant fucking?
surely not - how would you both fit inside, you and the giant?
oh wait. do you fuck the giant with the potato?
oh nevermind i get it. a fucking giant potato.
perhaps we should compromise on 'the fuck potato'
posted by bartleby at 7:08 PM on June 1, 2023
a potato for giant fucking?
surely not - how would you both fit inside, you and the giant?
oh wait. do you fuck the giant with the potato?
oh nevermind i get it. a fucking giant potato.
perhaps we should compromise on 'the fuck potato'
posted by bartleby at 7:08 PM on June 1, 2023
I am a bit concerned about the idea of an European sister to this hot dog truck.
Driving back and forth between Frankfurt and Wien, not sure where its loyalties lie.
posted by bartleby at 7:20 PM on June 1, 2023 [2 favorites]
Driving back and forth between Frankfurt and Wien, not sure where its loyalties lie.
posted by bartleby at 7:20 PM on June 1, 2023 [2 favorites]
Never ever compromise on the fuck potato! That way lie perdition.
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:56 PM on June 1, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:56 PM on June 1, 2023 [1 favorite]
I've long been amused that the American hot dog chain Der Wienerschnitzel is named after a flattened breaded veal cutlet.
posted by hippybear at 8:07 PM on June 1, 2023 [1 favorite]
posted by hippybear at 8:07 PM on June 1, 2023 [1 favorite]
Ya had to go and mention Der Wienerschnitzel; now I'm thinking about Yvonne Strahovski in that made up Weinerlicious outfit.
posted by bartleby at 8:31 PM on June 1, 2023
posted by bartleby at 8:31 PM on June 1, 2023
Thanks to an Idahoan AirBnB entrepreneur, all you Samwise Gamgee perverts can rent out this sex potato yt and its elegant grain silo bathroom.
That's what's wrong with urban design in America. From most exterior angles, that place is amazingly depressing. Paraphrasing Andres Duaney, Americans are mostly concerned about the personal interface - the mcmansion is amazingly comfortable on the inside, and the potato is nice inside too. But the exterior. It's not an afterthought - it's not even a thought.
posted by The_Vegetables at 7:58 AM on June 2, 2023
That's what's wrong with urban design in America. From most exterior angles, that place is amazingly depressing. Paraphrasing Andres Duaney, Americans are mostly concerned about the personal interface - the mcmansion is amazingly comfortable on the inside, and the potato is nice inside too. But the exterior. It's not an afterthought - it's not even a thought.
posted by The_Vegetables at 7:58 AM on June 2, 2023
How to Have a Hot Dog Summer, According to America’s Top Expert
posted by box at 4:38 PM on June 21, 2023
posted by box at 4:38 PM on June 21, 2023
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