First of all, how dare you come for Root Boy Slim

December 8, 2023 5:28 AM

AV Club's 30 Worst Christmas Songs, Ranked

I will say I did not know about a huge chunk of these, so a voyage of discovery for me.

posted by Kitteh (99 comments total)

Funky, Funky, Xmas! A total trash favorite of mine, which I discovered thanks to this question.
posted by JanetLand at 5:47 AM on December 8, 2023 [1 favorite]

There was one song I desperately wanted to be there. I was starting to get concerned that it wasn’t on the list, but it finally showed up at #1! No, I won’t say what it is; you can click through the whole list just like I did.
posted by TedW at 5:56 AM on December 8, 2023 [1 favorite]

"Arriving toward the end of the inexplicable Crazy Frog craze of the mid-2000s,..."

What?
posted by SoberHighland at 5:59 AM on December 8, 2023 [1 favorite]

'We Three Kings' makes me feel vaguely camel-sick. There. I said it.
posted by Multicellular Exothermic at 6:03 AM on December 8, 2023

If you remember the inexplicable Crazy Frog craze of the mid-2000s, you weren't really there, man.

I don't think including Weird Al is fair. He's writing joke songs and in particular when the label told him to write a Christmas song he wrote mean-spirited ones on purpose.
posted by mmoncur at 6:09 AM on December 8, 2023 [19 favorites]

"Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer" does not belong at #2, I'm sorry. The song is a novelty classic. "Snoopy's Christmas" isn't that bad, either. The writer clearly hates cheesy fun.
posted by May Kasahara at 6:10 AM on December 8, 2023 [9 favorites]

Shepherd's reaction to this list: "How is it possible that the Bob Dylan Christmas album is not on it?!"
posted by Kitteh at 6:13 AM on December 8, 2023 [6 favorites]

The only holiday album in my house is Aqua Teen Hunger Force's Have Yourself a Meaty Little Christmas, and here is my favourite song.

Every year I nervously pull onto my mom's street while rocking along with Carl, shouting I'LL BE HOME ALONE THIS CHRISTMAS, JERKING IT TO PORN! My only holiday tradition.
posted by avocet at 6:13 AM on December 8, 2023 [3 favorites]

This is more of a "List of Somewhat Odd Xmas Tunes We Could Find on YouTube (please click through thirty times, thanks)"
posted by SoberHighland at 6:13 AM on December 8, 2023 [19 favorites]

I've never heard, or heard of, the song in the #1 spot, but the pull quote in there feels like an absolutely poetic distillation of so many things that are capital-W Wrong with modern American right-wing evangelical "Christianity."
posted by Western Infidels at 6:17 AM on December 8, 2023 [6 favorites]

The song at #1 is absolutely correct.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 6:17 AM on December 8, 2023 [7 favorites]

Here's the -- ok, stick with me here -- California Raisins Christmas Special version of We Three Kings which is absolutely worth it. No raisins are present.

Obligatory Patton Oswalt analysis of Christmas Shoes.
posted by AzraelBrown at 6:23 AM on December 8, 2023 [10 favorites]

I make a LOT of fun of my husband for how he cries when "Christmas Shoes" comes on and I will never stop, but honestly if Christmas isn't the time for a completely over the top tearjerker, when is?

The biggest surprise to me is that Bon Jovi ever did a cover of "Backdoor Santa."
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 6:26 AM on December 8, 2023 [1 favorite]

Wow I didn't know that Max Headroom one and it's something. It reconciles baby-Jesus-type songs and hooray-for-jolly-Santa-type songs the best way and maybe the only way: with surrealist frankness. "Bestride the world like a huge c-c-c-c-colostomy" kinda sets the tone.
posted by miles per flower at 6:28 AM on December 8, 2023 [4 favorites]

"19. Spinal Tap, “Christmas With The Devil” (1992)"

I'm sorry, I thought this was supposed to be a worst songs list, not a best Christmas songs list. When the writer says it "trades hooks for heaviness" I have no idea what they're smoking. Every time I even think about this song it gets stuck in my head.
posted by jzb at 6:30 AM on December 8, 2023 [8 favorites]

The capper to Sonic Youth’s Santa Don’t Cop Out on Dope is the distorted “MERRY CHRISTMAS DAVID GEFFEN!”
posted by dr_dank at 6:43 AM on December 8, 2023 [1 favorite]

"19. Spinal Tap, “Christmas With The Devil” (1992)"

I'm sorry, I thought this was supposed to be a worst songs list, not a best Christmas songs list. When the writer says it "trades hooks for heaviness" I have no idea what they're smoking. Every time I even think about this song it gets stuck in my head.

100% agree. That song is amazing. The music and harmonies on "NO BELLS IN HELL / NO SNOW BELOW" are legitimately incredible.

"Break Like the Wind" was on heavy rotation in my freshman dorm. At least by me.
posted by Ben Trismegistus at 7:00 AM on December 8, 2023 [5 favorites]

the objective worst is any Jingle Cats compilation

I worked in a record store when that stuff came out in the 1990s, the exact time CD sales were booming and the concept of cat meows to Christmas music = money
posted by elkevelvet at 7:05 AM on December 8, 2023 [4 favorites]

Actually not bad for a listicle from a media company not at all above clickbaiting, with the exception of the Weird Al thing, of course. WRT "Xmas Shoes", I bet that I could make a decent amount of money with an Xmas-themed T-shirt reading "She won't need shoes in a coffin, ya little doofus".
posted by Halloween Jack at 7:09 AM on December 8, 2023 [4 favorites]

I hate Xmas music... but a lot of the songs on this list are actually not bad! If I had to listen to them on the grocery store PA, I'd be okay with that. Little Drum Machine Boy is genius.

(There's a few that do stink: Lady Gaga, and that abomination at No #1)
posted by ovvl at 7:11 AM on December 8, 2023 [1 favorite]

"How is it possible that the Bob Dylan Christmas album is not on it?!"

Oh that's easy... because it is one of greatest Christmas albums of all time.
posted by Ashwagandha at 7:11 AM on December 8, 2023 [5 favorites]

I'm sorry, no "What Do You Get a Wookiee for Christmas (When He Already Owns a Comb)"??? What the heck
posted by potrzebie at 7:12 AM on December 8, 2023 [7 favorites]

I remember the year the John Waters Christmas album came out, and I was absolutely forbidden to play it on my shift by my manager. Seasonal killjoy.
posted by Kitteh at 7:12 AM on December 8, 2023 [7 favorites]

Fucking Dominic the Christmas Donkey needs to be inflicted upon more people. Eeeeooo.
posted by emelenjr at 7:14 AM on December 8, 2023 [5 favorites]

John Waters Christmas album

This is also a Christmas classic. The worst Christmas song for me is undeniably Gord Bamford's Christmas in Canada.
posted by Ashwagandha at 7:30 AM on December 8, 2023

This is timely.
posted by irrelephant at 7:38 AM on December 8, 2023 [3 favorites]

I looked for that Wham! song but didn't see it except as a cover. Maybe a browser issue because that's definitely the worst Christmas song ever.
posted by goatdog at 7:57 AM on December 8, 2023 [5 favorites]

This is list: You're welcome.

[Compulsory slide-shows on websites are rage - making]

30. Sonic Youth, “Santa Doesn’t Cop Out On Dope” (1996)
29. The Crossfires, “Santa And The Sidewalk Surfer” (1964)
28. Max Headroom, “Merry Christmas Santa Claus (You’re A Lovely Guy)“ (1986)
27. AC/DC, “Mistress For Christmas” (1990)
26. William Shatner, “Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer” (2018)
25. Afroman, “Deck My Balls” (2004)
24. Root Boy Slim And The Sex Change Band, “Xmas At K-Mart” (1978)
23. The Trashmen, “Dancin’ With Santa” (1964)
22. New Kids On The Block, “Funky, Funky Xmas” (1989)
21. The Killers, “Don’t Shoot Me Santa” (2007)
20. The Royal Guardsmen, “Snoopy’s Christmas” (1967)
19. Spinal Tap, “Christmas With The Devil” (1992)
18. Beck, “The Little Drum Machine Boy” (1996)
17. James Chance, “Christmas With Satan” (1984)
16. Neil Diamond, “Cherry Cherry Christmas” (2009)
15. Bon Jovi, “Back Door Santa” (1987)
14. Justin Bieber, “Mistletoe” (2011)
13. Joe Pesci, “If It Doesn’t Snow On Christmas” (1998)
12. Home & Jethro, “Santa Clause The Original Hippie” (1990)
11. The Go-Go’s, “I’m Gonna Spend My Christmas With A Dalek” (1964)
10. Paul McCartney, “Rudolph The Christmas Reggae” (1979)
9. John Denver, “Please, Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk On Christmas” (1973)
8. Crazy Frog, “Last Christmas” (2006)
7. Cliff Richard, “21st Century Christmas” (2006)
6. Lady Gaga, “Christmas Tree” (2008)
5. Pentatonix, “That’s Christmas To Me” (2014)
4. “Weird Al” Yankovic, “The Night Santa Went Crazy” (1996)
3. The Weather Girls, “Dear Santa (Bring Me A Man This Christmas)“ (1983)
2. Elmo & Patsy, “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer” (1979/1984)
1. NewSong, “Christmas Shoes” (2000)
posted by Faintdreams at 8:11 AM on December 8, 2023 [23 favorites]

Came for Christmas Shoes, was not disappointed.
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 8:21 AM on December 8, 2023 [3 favorites]

If you remember the inexplicable Crazy Frog craze of the mid-2000s, you weren't really there, man.

May 2005, I have just flown into London and am staying at a Brazil-esque Club Quarters hotel with narrow rooms and tall ceilings and I can't sleep because jetlag and the only thing on the TV is this show about people attempting to learn how to joust and regretting this decision, which show is parceled out in like 5 minute snippets interspersed with ads for the Crazy Frog "Axel F" ringtone, OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN RINGDIDINGINGINGINGINGINGDIDDINGINGRRRRRRRRRRRRBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRINGDINGINGINGINGING
posted by grumpybear69 at 8:32 AM on December 8, 2023 [5 favorites]

Jingle Bell Rock

How I loathe that song. In senior high in the small logging town I grew up in, the last two weeks of PE before the Christmas break was given over to square dancing. I have no idea why.

When you are an extremely awkward boy like I was for a lot of high school, having to choose a partner could be quite a horrifying thing. And, Jingle Bell Rock, that was the go to song for square dancing, the big song of the enterprise as it were. Once again, no idea why. It's also the only song I remember from that experience.
That simpering, nauseating song has tormented me every holiday season since.
There should be more Christmas standards on this list.
posted by Phlegmco(tm) at 9:00 AM on December 8, 2023 [3 favorites]

Jingle Bell Rock

It's no "Jingle Rock Bell," that's for sure.
posted by Faint of Butt at 9:11 AM on December 8, 2023 [21 favorites]

I respect that different people have different histories with different songs, but... Billy Idol covered "Jingle Bell Rock." So.
posted by Halloween Jack at 9:19 AM on December 8, 2023 [1 favorite]

They got the number one slot correct and so, so much else wrong. Christmas with the Devil and Little Drum Machine Boy are both great.

My Christmas song headcanon is that Last Christmas by Wham and Brick by Ben Folds Five are two perspectives on the same incident; Ben Folds drove George Michael to get an abortion on the day after Christmas and then broke up with him immediately afterwards.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 9:20 AM on December 8, 2023 [6 favorites]

Also, the absence of Do They Know It's Christmas? from this list is inexcusable.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 9:21 AM on December 8, 2023 [25 favorites]

I get the feeling that this list came from a number of writers who didn't quite agree on the assignment (some of these are awful, some of them are just fun, weird novelties) but it's a fun list nonetheless.

Even if it leaves out "Mary Did You Know," the actual worst Christmas song ever written.
posted by Navelgazer at 9:33 AM on December 8, 2023 [10 favorites]

It's no "Jingle Rock Bell," that's for sure.

Thank you for that Faint of Butt; it would have made my high school square dance experience much, much better.
posted by Phlegmco(tm) at 9:37 AM on December 8, 2023 [3 favorites]

it's kind of a bullshit list. I mean, maybe if it was three hundred or three thousand songs. I really don't like almost every Christmas song I hear. Thank fucking God this all happens but once a year.
posted by philip-random at 9:40 AM on December 8, 2023 [1 favorite]

This seems as good a place as any to share (MeFi's own) Andy Baio's Spotify playlist: Christmas Music That Won't Make You Murder Someone. Mostly full albums: come for the Vince Guaraldi and stay for the Dave Brubeck.
posted by Nelson at 9:42 AM on December 8, 2023 [10 favorites]

In our house it's "Dominic the Donkey" for worst Christmas song. Hee-haw!
posted by subdee at 9:47 AM on December 8, 2023 [3 favorites]

I haven't heard many of these and I'm slowly making my way through the videos. So far, a lot of them are actually fun, weird novelties like Navelgazer said.

Some of them are definitely awful, but probably not the worst ever. I mean, "Do They Know It's Christmas?" and "Wonderful Christmastime" are both absent.

ALSO...some of these are genuinely good. I will not stand for this "Snoopy's Christmas" slander.
posted by asnider at 9:49 AM on December 8, 2023 [5 favorites]

I unironically love Dominic The Christmas Donkey because we'd play it when decorating the Christmas tree when the kids were little and they hated it. Subjecting your kids to sincere kitsch like this is priceless.
posted by AzraelBrown at 9:56 AM on December 8, 2023 [4 favorites]

In our house, the Christmas season doesn't start until we hear "Bell rock jingle rock bell rock bell..."

And it isn't Christmas Day until we've heard "Mistress for Christmas"

Also, the absence of Do They Know It's Christmas?

The Venture Bros (and friends) version is entirely cromulent. Thanks, God!
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 9:56 AM on December 8, 2023 [2 favorites]

Is it raining? Is it snowing?
I can't see where I am going,
'Cos the hat I got for Christmas is too big!
posted by Paul Slade at 10:01 AM on December 8, 2023 [1 favorite]

The authors of this list should be thankful their country has been spared the sausage roll gobshite.
posted by biffa at 10:04 AM on December 8, 2023

I get the feeling that this list came from a number of writers who didn't quite agree on the assignment

Quite a few of the descriptions call the songs "weird" rather than bad and, often, they seem to be lovingly poking fun rather than genuinely believing that these are bad songs.

It's like the editor, writers and headline writer all had different ideas about what this list was supposed to be.
posted by asnider at 10:06 AM on December 8, 2023 [7 favorites]

If you're in the mood to pivot to GREAT holiday music, check out the delightful arrangements here. In particular, try Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring as an Irish reel. Or Silent Night as a Hullabaloo-inspired 60's pop romp. Or Pat-a-Pan as a virtuoso marimba extravaganza. AND MORE!
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 10:33 AM on December 8, 2023 [2 favorites]

Snoopy's Christmas was a mainstay of NZ Christmas radio but when I mentioned it to people here in the states I found that it was almost unknown among people my age, I had no idea it was a reworking of an earlier song.

In any case, it is a fine song and shouldn't be on this list. Merry Christmas, mein fiend!
posted by AndrewStephens at 10:40 AM on December 8, 2023 [6 favorites]

I bet that I could make a decent amount of money with an Xmas-themed T-shirt reading "She won't need shoes in a coffin, ya little doofus".

Feel free to send me a link to your Etsy store!

But I agree that other than Christmas Shoes they missed a lot. No Alvin and the Chipmunks, for example. With even more options here. No songs about aquatic pachyderms? Wreck the Malls (although I like that one)?

the objective worst is any Jingle Cats compilation
So you’re more of a Singing Dogs person, then?

And the Homer and Jethro song could have been the inspiration for the classic Santa Clause and His Old Lady, which although not exactly a song is required listening at Xmas in our house.
posted by TedW at 10:41 AM on December 8, 2023 [4 favorites]

"Have the Rolling Stones killed!"
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 10:54 AM on December 8, 2023 [2 favorites]

How is Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time not anywhere on this list
posted by gottabefunky at 10:56 AM on December 8, 2023 [14 favorites]

I mean, this is simultaneously the worst AND the best Christmas song ever.
posted by rikschell at 10:59 AM on December 8, 2023 [2 favorites]

The further I get through this list, the more I think it's some kind of prank or rage bait on people who enjoy these songs. For example, here's the write-up for Beck's "The Little Drum Machine Boy":

Another entry from Geffen’s 1996 compilation Just Say Noel, Beck’s “The Little Drum Machine Boy” kicks off the record—an odd position for such a twisty, windy prank. By cutting and pasting drum loops, samples and noise, Beck finds life within the repetitive carol, turning it from a monotonous mantra into a tricksy drone.

That doesn't sound like it's describing a bad song. It sounds like the writer is complimenting it.
posted by asnider at 10:59 AM on December 8, 2023 [3 favorites]

It may not be on the list, gottabefunky, but now it’s lodged in my brain so you can count that as you evil deed for the day.
posted by Suedeltica at 11:00 AM on December 8, 2023 [3 favorites]

...I'm sorry is that Rob Lowe in the video for Christmas Shoes?
posted by nightcoast at 11:14 AM on December 8, 2023

I wanna build a Joey Ramone snowman,
So Santa knows where to land.
posted by Paul Slade at 11:15 AM on December 8, 2023

Cowboy Santa (hat tip to MST3k)
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 11:24 AM on December 8, 2023

I imagine that Joe Pesci's Christmas song goes a little something like this:

If It Doesn’t Snow On Christmas
I'll slap the piss out of Santa Claus...
posted by Saxon Kane at 11:48 AM on December 8, 2023

For me, the all-time top 3 worst Christmas songs, the ones that cause me to wail and gnash my teeth whenever I’m forced to hear them at the grocery store, are:

1) Any version of “Last Christmas”

2) “Wonderful Christmastime” (thankfully I don’t think anyone has covered it, so it’s all Paul’s fault)

3) Every version of “Happy Xmas (War is Over)” including the original Lennon version, but especially every new version recorded by whoever the earnest singer-songwriter of the moment is in any given year.
posted by wabbittwax at 12:35 PM on December 8, 2023 [4 favorites]

ranked wasn't necessary.

i could wander through that pile at random and feel like "yes, this is the correct order in ascending stink-aucity."
posted by MonsieurPEB at 12:36 PM on December 8, 2023 [1 favorite]

I'm surprised how many of these were released by someone who was trying to follow up what would turn out to be a one-hit wonder kind of single.

The Trashmen, The Royal Guardsmen, The Weather Girls, Afroman...

Now I'm super-curious about whether there are examples of this that didn't make the list. (I mean, other than 'Simpsons Christmas Boogie.')
posted by box at 12:53 PM on December 8, 2023 [1 favorite]

I don't know what you all have against Last Christmas. So many great lines. It's my favourite Christmas song.
posted by Klipspringer at 12:56 PM on December 8, 2023 [4 favorites]

rikschell: “I mean, this is simultaneously the worst AND the best Christmas song ever.”

That made me think of the Legend of Paul Shaffer Impersonating Cher Singing “O Holy Night” on Letterman.
posted by ob1quixote at 1:00 PM on December 8, 2023 [1 favorite]

Will it be Christmas in Paradise this year, or just another Christmas in Washington? Santa's Got a Bag of Soul plus A Five Pound Box of Money for Mrs Claus but Billy's Christmas Wish is to Get Off The Stool for a real Christmas Celebration. They all want to know When Was Jesus Born (Born in Bethlehem), but there's no time for that now because Here Comes Fatty Claus.

[For the record, I think all these are excellent Christmas songs.]
posted by Paul Slade at 1:03 PM on December 8, 2023 [1 favorite]

[Compulsory slide-shows on websites are rage - making]

And there's some issue with that frontend (used by the Onion as well, it seems) where the "next" link (and it's not even a proper link; it's a <div> with a bunch of JS) isn't active right away, so you have to either click it multiple times or wait.

"Lots to Decorate the Room" by a pre-ChatGPT model is a fun listen once or twice a year.

(I admit I was looking for "Sleigh Ride" in the list, but understand why it's not there)
posted by kurumi at 1:03 PM on December 8, 2023

The absence of Spike Jones's version of "All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth" and Madonna's wannabe-kitsch-babydoll rendition of "Santa Baby" makes me shake my head in disbelief. (Maybe SJ's song is just annoying AF, but Madonna is so cringey on SB that it makes being stuck in a closet with a tape loop of Elmo & Patsy seem preferable in comparison). And +1 regarding inclusions (e.g. "Snoopy's Christmas") that makes one go WTF?!?

That said, the list did remind me of the existence of James Chance's "Christmas with Satan", so it's not completely without merit.
posted by gtrwolf at 1:10 PM on December 8, 2023

I like "Last Christmas" unapologetically. I also own the 7-inch of "Do They Know It's Christmas?" and while I wouldn't say I like it, I'm entertained by it.

I do like Christmas music and I have accumulated quite a collection from the traditional to the weird. I somehow ended up adding 5 new albums and one new 7-inch ("Santa Claus and His Old Lady") because I asked for recommendations and my friends over-delivered.

I, too, object to Root Boy Slim's "Xmas at K-mart" because it's doing the exact thing it set out to do (and it's not nearly as mocking as you'd expect it to be).

No one has to like Christmas music. I've found myself surprised that I do but here we are and I'm enjoying it.

(My two favorite Christmas albums are The Ventures' The Ventures' Christmas Album and Booker T. & The M.G.'s In the Christmas Spirit but I enjoy so many.)
posted by edencosmic at 1:29 PM on December 8, 2023 [3 favorites]

wabbitwax, your list is exactly right. I thought we were all agreed on this. I would add Rockin around the Christmas Tree at #4. Frequent repeats are no friend to that song.

I've got bad news about Wonderful Christmastime. Which one do you want to listen to first? Kylie Minogue, Harry Styles, Diana Ross, Jars of Clay, ...? I decided I would try the Monkees and now I hate myself very much.

Also, I listened to most of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reggae (2011 Remaster) from the list, and it is very not good, but I'd still rather listen to it than Wonderful Christmastime.
posted by polecat at 1:42 PM on December 8, 2023

I’m disappointed that the Jack Johnson version of Rudolph didn’t make it on the list. A former professional athlete who writes songs full of bad guitar playing and stoner bromides wrote AN ADDITIONAL VERSE to a beloved Christmas song, a verse that implores Rudolph to be more of a lax bro? What makes you think you’re a better songwriter than Johnny Marks? Go back to shining your surfboard, dipshit.
posted by pxe2000 at 1:56 PM on December 8, 2023 [5 favorites]

Madonna's wannabe-kitsch-babydoll rendition of "Santa Baby"

I can't say I specifically recall Madonna's version, but the original Eartha Kitt version also does the babydoll thing, so she's really just continuing the format.
posted by asnider at 1:56 PM on December 8, 2023

I found the frog ringtone adverts, in case anyone wants to torture themselves (one is the US version, but whatever):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8VbCorxXlHM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xcOOjlfrZMQ

I can't find the jousting one.
posted by grumpybear69 at 2:01 PM on December 8, 2023

I can't say I specifically recall Madonna's version, but the original Eartha Kitt version also does the babydoll thing, so she's really just continuing the format.

True, but at least Eartha can do it well. Madonna's performance sounds clueless and/or self-consciously trying-(and-failing)-to-be-kitschy at best and like she's mocking the original version at worst.
posted by gtrwolf at 2:04 PM on December 8, 2023 [2 favorites]

...I'm sorry is that Rob Lowe in the video for Christmas Shoes?

I'd never heard of this song either, and seeing Rob Lowe in the video got my attention...this is a song from a movie?

Turns out: The Christmas Shoes is a 2002 American-Canadian made-for-television drama film based on the song and novel of the same name which was broadcast on CBS on December 1, 2002.

Here's the GoodReads for the book.
posted by polecat at 2:05 PM on December 8, 2023 [2 favorites]

For those who might be interested in off-beat (sometimes literally) Christmas music, Jon Solomon will be doing his 35th 26-hour Christmas extravaganza starting at 5 pm Eastern on Christmas Eve on WPRB. He usually has one Ramones-inspired set.

Last year's show was the subject of my first FPP. It's obviously a bit thin and time limited for a FPP, but since it's usually a slow posting day, I'll probably do another post this year. We usually spend Christmas eve and Christmas at home, so it's become one of the highlights of my holiday season.
posted by mollweide at 2:19 PM on December 8, 2023 [1 favorite]

"Christmas Shoes" is an awful, cheesy mess of a song, but reading the comments on the official video on YouTube are strangely touching. A certain amount of people seem to really connect with it and ... I think it's a solidly bad song, but you know, good for those people for finding some comfort in it.

I can hate the song (and I do) but I can't hate that for those people.
posted by edencosmic at 2:51 PM on December 8, 2023 [2 favorites]

I felt similar while looking at the reviews of the spinoff book on Amazon and GoodReads. Like I found a couple reviews on GoodReads that made me chuckle about how this must be the pulpiest of pulp books. But most of the reviews are 4 & 5 stars. I think I could probably could get this as a Christmas gift for my mom and she'd enjoy it with 0% irony*. Hmmm.

* negative 50% irony
posted by polecat at 3:42 PM on December 8, 2023 [1 favorite]

In senior high in the small logging town I grew up in, the last two weeks of PE before the Christmas break was given over to square dancing. I have no idea why.

Because Henry Ford hated jazz.
posted by RobotHero at 4:48 PM on December 8, 2023 [7 favorites]

How the freaking hell is some random Paul McCartney song on this list but not the worst song ever recorded, “Wonderful Christmastime”? HOW. So okay, there are people who think there are other songs that should be higher and worser on the list but how the hecking heck is it not included at ALL? Oh my god, now I’m gonna be wandering around the house all night muttering darkly about this to the cat.
posted by kitten kaboodle at 5:44 PM on December 8, 2023 [3 favorites]

Jingle Bell Rock

How I loathe that song.

may I submit my favourite worst version, all the more touching given that they seem to rather loathe each other these days.
posted by philip-random at 5:54 PM on December 8, 2023 [1 favorite]

Surely Steve Mauldin's transcendent, terrifying arrangement of O Holy Night belongs here.
FALL ON YOUR KNEES
posted by Trinity-Gehenna at 7:03 PM on December 8, 2023 [3 favorites]

I feel like Destiny's Child's 8 Days of Christmas belongs here.

On preview, O Holy Crap.
posted by swift at 7:22 PM on December 8, 2023

I don't know what you all have against Last Christmas.

I feel the same way about "All I Want For Christmas Is You." It's an exuberant song that puts people before presents. Maybe it's Mariah Carey? Some people out there hate Mimi that much? I dunno.
posted by Halloween Jack at 7:32 PM on December 8, 2023 [3 favorites]

There's nothing you can say to convince me that "Wonderful ChristmasTime" is not at the top of this list. For all the others panning this song, did this bit help? (Single Link Harmontown)
posted by BigBrooklyn at 9:18 PM on December 8, 2023

Brings to mind 2013's excellent documentary on alternative Christmas songs: Jingle Bell Rocks!
posted by fairmettle at 10:15 PM on December 8, 2023 [1 favorite]

For those who might be curious, Washington DC's weirdo Root Boy Slim, "the biodegradable landfill of rock 'n' roll," is wonderful in a sleazily satirical Warren-Zevon-on-a-bad-acid-trip-in a-John-Waters-movie sort of way.
posted by vitia at 12:30 AM on December 9, 2023 [2 favorites]

Merry DMXmas.
posted by emelenjr at 2:29 PM on December 9, 2023 [2 favorites]

1) This is the most uplifting thread I've read in ages. Thanks to everyone contributing.

2) This is probably my best excuse ever to tell my Root Boy Slim story:

When I was doing college radio - nearly half a century ago, now - Root Boy Slim dropped by to promote his new album. We spun it in one of the studios, he talked it up a bit.

a) "Xmas at K-Mart" has been stuck in my head every damn Xmas season since then.

b) I learned a couple of Fun Facts about Root Boy:
Not only was he at Yale with George Bush the Lesser - but the two of them were fraternity brothers.
(It's too bad that Root Boy never lived to see the Bush Presidency - I just assume that he would have been up for an ambassadorship or something....)

I've alway been consoled that at least ONE of them did something useful with their life.
posted by AsYouKnow Bob at 8:01 PM on December 9, 2023 [2 favorites]

> “Wonderful Christmastime” (thankfully I don’t think anyone has covered it, so it’s all Paul’s fault)

> I've got bad news about Wonderful Christmastime. Which one do you want to listen to first? Kylie Minogue, Harry Styles, Diana Ross, Jars of Clay, ...? I decided I would try the Monkees and now I hate myself very much.

Ah, folks who haven't heard Trebuchet's version
posted by ASCII Costanza head at 10:00 AM on December 10, 2023

George Jones- My Mom and Santa Claus (Twistin' Santa Claus)

Possibly not the worst Christmas song, but I can't help but think ol' George pulled the short straw with this country Christmas novelty tunes trying to cash in on the fad of the day.
posted by oneirodynia at 6:17 PM on December 10, 2023

I feel the same way about "All I Want For Christmas Is You." It's an exuberant song that puts people before presents. Maybe it's Mariah Carey? Some people out there hate Mimi that much? I dunno.

I used to hate it. Then I enjoyed it ironically. Now I just genuinely love it. I feel like a lot of the hate for it has faded over the years and it is now very solidly part of the canon of Christmas classics. (Then again, so is "Wonderful Christmastime," despite being a shit song.)
posted by asnider at 10:29 AM on December 11, 2023 [2 favorites]

I heard N'Sync "Merry Christmas" (?) yesterday and it almost made my ears bleed.
posted by kathrynm at 11:22 AM on December 11, 2023

Setting out to write and record a classic Christmas song in 2013 requires a level of self-confidence that I have never possessed about anything, but Kelly Clarkson seems to have nailed it.
posted by box at 11:41 AM on December 11, 2023 [1 favorite]

I love the harmony of that Clarkson number, and the verses are all really good, but I hate that hitch in the chorus. Which I always forget, and wind up re-remembering every year.
posted by ob1quixote at 12:14 PM on December 11, 2023

I was somehow unaware of the Kelly Clarkson song lo these past 10 years until this morning, when Tom Breihan mentioned it in his most recent column for The Number Ones.

It's fine. Good, even! But it's a little too close to "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" to not make me wish I were listening to that instead.
posted by Navelgazer at 1:49 PM on December 11, 2023 [2 favorites]

“I'm Dreaming of a White (Pages) Christmas,” Garrett Bucks, The White Pages, 12 December 2023

What are Christmas songs trying to teach us? A partial taxonomy.

posted by ob1quixote at 12:02 PM on December 12, 2023

“Wham! - Last Christmas | How a drum machine and one synthesizer made history”—Espen Kraft, 13 December 2023

In this video I show you how cool the drum track is built up and how clever the synth arrangement is. All done by George Michael himself at the time. He proved that technical skills in terms of playing is nothing. Ideas and creativity is everything.

posted by ob1quixote at 2:02 PM on December 13, 2023 [1 favorite]

Christmas Dirtbag. The "Love Is All Around/Christmas Is All Around" treatment again!
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:58 AM on December 18, 2023

“The 76 Best Christmas Songs of All Time,” Esquire Editors and Bria McNeal, Esquire, 12 December 2023

Not even Scrooge could get sick of these.

P.S. I note for the record that the editors of Esquire and McNeal did not notice “Someday At Christmas” is included twice, nor that they list “Deck the Halls” as sung by ‘Nat King.’
posted by ob1quixote at 6:36 AM on December 19, 2023

Last Christmas just made it to UK Christmas number one, 39 years after release.

Wham!’s Andrew Ridgeley said: “George would be beside himself [that] after all of these years, [we’ve] finally obtained Christmas No 1. Yog [George] said that he wrote Last Christmas with the intention of writing a Christmas No 1. It’s mission accomplished!

“It was a huge disappointment to us both when it didn’t reach No 1 [in 1984] because, in our opinion, it was nailed-on … Thwarted for many years subsequent to that – the perennial bridesmaid – over recent years it seems it’s become part of the fabric of Christmas for a lot of people.”

posted by Klipspringer at 1:28 PM on December 22, 2023 [2 favorites]