“If every day was like Christmas...

December 20, 2023 7:15 AM

...43% more penile fractures would have occurred in Germany from 2005 on.” ... “This injury tends to occur during wild sex - particularly in positions where you’re not in direct eye contact [with your partner], such as the reverse cowgirl” Guardian: Risk of penile fractures rises at Christmas, doctors find. Wikipedia entry (contains pictures) for penile fracture. Metro: Man who broke penis during sex has urgent surgery to fix ‘aubergine deformity’. Cosmopolitan: Is Reverse Cowgirl Really the World’s Most Dangerous Sex Position?
posted by Wordshore (69 comments total)

‘aubergine deformity’.

That's an emoji no one needs.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:18 AM on December 20, 2023 [14 favorites]

I did reverse cowgirl once, and it hurt so much, have never done again, do not recommend.
posted by grumpybear69 at 7:24 AM on December 20, 2023

ho ho ho

CW: paragraph 3 of the guaaaaaaaaaarrrghdian article.
posted by lalochezia at 7:25 AM on December 20, 2023 [1 favorite]

rarely does something thimble sized save me from trouble but here we are.
posted by MonsieurPEB at 7:28 AM on December 20, 2023 [4 favorites]

Dammit, Wordshore, I was hoping to beat you to this. My headline was going to be Ho Ho Ho-Ouch! Honestly, I know there are going to be folks who think this is funny but I don't think it is funny at all, and I wanted to post it as a warning. It's good to know what can go wrong with a variety of activities, including reverse cowgirl.

(Thimble-sized is awesome for many reasons but that is another post.)
posted by Bella Donna at 7:34 AM on December 20, 2023 [2 favorites]

Christmas, what an asshole
posted by chavenet at 7:34 AM on December 20, 2023 [4 favorites]

Last Christmas
You fractured my cock
The very next day
I had to go to the doc
This year
To save me from tears
We'll just do it
Missionary
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 7:36 AM on December 20, 2023 [95 favorites]

I used to date a contortionist, but she broke it off!
posted by caviar2d2 at 7:37 AM on December 20, 2023 [58 favorites]

"On the 13th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me..." 43% more penile fractures?
posted by slimepuppy at 7:42 AM on December 20, 2023 [1 favorite]

This Is Just To Say

I have fractured
my penis
by doing reverse
cowgirl

and which
you were probably
enjoying
for a while

Forgive me
but I need
emergency
surgery OW
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 7:45 AM on December 20, 2023 [30 favorites]

Is this a euphemism for those christmas crackers?
posted by mittens at 7:46 AM on December 20, 2023 [4 favorites]

The Wikipedia article has informed me about taqaandan, using your hand to bend your erect penis until it goes "click". Apparently "the popping sound that’s often heard during the practice comes from the tearing of the tunica albuginea, the fibrous envelope running the length of the urethra." Doesn't sound like a good idea! More in Mel magazine's excellent article: Why do Men in One Iranian City Keep Cracking Their Dicks?
posted by Nelson at 7:47 AM on December 20, 2023 [3 favorites]

That's an emoji no one needs.

Speak for yourself.

🍆🤕
posted by Mayor West at 7:52 AM on December 20, 2023 [2 favorites]

There is one specific serious side effect of this injury. CW: might make certain individuals nervous, empathetic pain, NSFW drawing
posted by njohnson23 at 7:53 AM on December 20, 2023

Obligatory QI .
posted by dannyboybell at 7:56 AM on December 20, 2023 [4 favorites]

The fractures are often heralded by an audible crack"
"You call that a penis?!"
posted by pracowity at 7:57 AM on December 20, 2023 [13 favorites]

From the link provided by njohnson23 above: Men whose sexual or nonsexual activities (such as sports) cause micro-injuries to the penis are more likely to develop Peyronie’s disease. I am not a sports fan generally, but now I am even less of a sports fan.
posted by Bella Donna at 8:05 AM on December 20, 2023

But why? "Euphoria and intimacy of season" can explain the sex having part, but to my knowledge*, there are no holiday-specific positions you only take out of the box you keep in the attic.

*I could be wrong.
posted by tommasz at 8:07 AM on December 20, 2023 [4 favorites]

Why? Special sexytime is a classic gift.
posted by sixswitch at 8:10 AM on December 20, 2023 [4 favorites]

Lesson: when sitting on Santa's lap and hoping to receive a package, sit face-to-face.
posted by uncleozzy at 8:11 AM on December 20, 2023 [11 favorites]

Literally breaking news.
posted by Pickman's Next Top Model at 8:14 AM on December 20, 2023 [17 favorites]

Cosmopolitan: Is Reverse Cowgirl Really the World’s Most Dangerous Sex Position?

rarely is Betteridge's law illustrated with so overt a failure of imagination
posted by cortex at 8:21 AM on December 20, 2023 [11 favorites]

Also, I distinctly remember from the sex education film we were shown in fifth grade that the lightly dorky but also apparently very sex-fact knowledgeable protagonist of the film archly corrected his braggy jock himbo friend when said friend claimed they had a cousin who had sex so hard he "broke his penis", claiming that is not in fact a thing at all.

Justice for braggy jock himbo friend, and condolences to his broke-dick cousin.
posted by cortex at 8:24 AM on December 20, 2023 [7 favorites]

(re peyronie's, the hot new treatment is an injection of collagenase derived from a Clostridium species--the enzyme gets in there and eats away the scar tissue--and can go on to cause penile fracture!)
posted by mittens at 8:35 AM on December 20, 2023 [1 favorite]

condolences to his broke-dick cousin.

If we can get Willy Nelson out of retirement to write just one more Country Christmas song, this could be a great theme.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 8:37 AM on December 20, 2023 [9 favorites]

ALL has the song for the season.
posted by delfin at 8:38 AM on December 20, 2023 [1 favorite]

But why? "Euphoria and intimacy of season" can explain the sex having part, but to my knowledge*, there are no holiday-specific positions you only take out of the box you keep in the attic.

My bet is one partner's giving the other a special Christmas treat which is not on offer the rest of the year - or thinks they are, anyway.
posted by Paul Slade at 9:07 AM on December 20, 2023

In the last century, when everything was much smaller, I used to teach courses in basic computational biomed science. To get students started, after searching for their own name, I had a list of "interesting" questions which could be answered through PubMed the database of (abstracts of) bioscience papers.
Vacuum cleaner injury
also
ACHOO syndrome (for the awful acronym prize)
Vending machine injury etc.
posted by BobTheScientist at 9:11 AM on December 20, 2023

In the last century, when everything was much smaller...

Welllll, I hate to brag, but...
posted by Thorzdad at 9:25 AM on December 20, 2023 [5 favorites]

Penile Fracture Seems More Likely During Sex Under Stressful Situations, by Andrew C. Kramer, MD. Details of 16 men with injuries.

The association of out-of-the-ordinary and stressful milieu for the sexual act means the sexual encounter was probably passionate, rushed, and aggressive. The unusual locations for the sexual act such as elevator and public restrooms could indicate awkwardness, unusual sexual positions, and hurried behavior. Extramarital affairs, sex with office coworkers, and the varied settings illustrate the covert nature of the sexual encounter leading to penile fracture. All these factors could make the man less able to protect his penis from an unexpected sudden downward thrust leading to the fracture.

I couldn't find much specific about gay men and penile fracture. I was curious if vaginal sex was somehow riskier than anal. The only article I could find about MSM didn't talk about that: Sexual complications of penile frature in men who have sex with men (includes explicit photo of injured penis).

Of 216 penile fracture cases, 4 (1.8%) were men who have sex with men. All cases resulted from sexual activity and all patients reported using the “doggy style” position during anal intercourse. ... Sexual dysfunction is always present in gay man after surgery for PF.

The article has a nice discussion at the end about how MSM stigmatization may mean that some men don't seek treatment or aren't identified as MSM.

Jokes aside, having read more and done some unfortunate image searches this injury is really pretty bad and often has permanent consequences.
posted by Nelson at 9:28 AM on December 20, 2023 [2 favorites]

there are no holiday-specific positions you only take out of the box you keep in the attic

Gift Receipt
The Parson Brown
Giddy-Up Jingle Horse
Pa-Rump-Pump-Pump-Pump
Wankee Swap
The Better Not Cry (Informed consent required)
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 9:31 AM on December 20, 2023 [18 favorites]

not to mention:

Now Bring Us a Figgy Pudding
The Little Hummer Boy
The Island of Misfit Toys
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 9:44 AM on December 20, 2023 [8 favorites]

So, boner is an actual thing?
posted by Czjewel at 9:47 AM on December 20, 2023 [1 favorite]

“This injury tends to occur during wild sex – particularly in positions where you’re not in direct eye contact [with your partner], such as the reverse cowgirl,” said Dr Nikolaos Pyrgides, a urologist at the Ludwig Maximilian University of Munich, who led the research.

"And I'd like to give credit to my associates behind me who...Wilson, are you giggling? Do you think this is funny, Doctor Wilson? Oh now you're all giggling. Very nice, in front of all these nice reporters. Well, we'll all just stand here and wait for the babies to calm down...Still waiting...OK, that's it! I warned you about this! I told you this was a special privilege for special mature researchers but I guess I was wrong about you. So starting tomorrow, we're all going back to writing Lancet articles on peripheral artery disease...Oh, don't whine, you did this to yourselves!"
posted by PlusDistance at 9:53 AM on December 20, 2023 [4 favorites]

Ding-Dong Merrily On High?
posted by uncleozzy at 10:00 AM on December 20, 2023 [4 favorites]

there are no holiday-specific positions you only take out of the box you keep in the attic.

At Christmas, chimney comes down you
posted by chavenet at 10:05 AM on December 20, 2023 [4 favorites]

Man, there's a banger of a "Twas the Night Before Christmas" joke in here somewhere, but damned if I can find it.
posted by BigHeartedGuy at 10:09 AM on December 20, 2023 [2 favorites]

there are no holiday-specific positions you only take out of the box you keep in the attic.

Breakage may occur when putting the candy cane back into the box.

But joking aside, offering special birthday or holiday sex presents is a pretty normal thing that a lot of people do.
posted by Dip Flash at 10:10 AM on December 20, 2023 [1 favorite]

who even does reverse cowgirl when there's rodeo clown
posted by elkevelvet at 10:23 AM on December 20, 2023 [2 favorites]

Pick Up Your Feet
posted by Windopaene at 10:25 AM on December 20, 2023

who even does reverse cowgirl when there's rodeo clown

Not everyone has space in their bedroom for those big barrels.
posted by mittens at 10:25 AM on December 20, 2023 [12 favorites]

there are no holiday-specific positions you only take out of the box you keep in the attic.

Drunken, spontaneous, surreptitious, hurried, fumbling sex with unfamiliar partners in awkward places and positions. Closet, pant-pant-pantry, bathroom (private or public), alley, hotel, elevator, taxi, train, plane, bus, bushes. Standing, sitting, scrunching. Chair, couch, bed, table (on or under), floor. Reverse reindeer.
posted by pracowity at 10:31 AM on December 20, 2023 [3 favorites]

‘aubergine deformity’.

That's an emoji no one needs.

It would be, of course, a fine name for a band.

Or for a colorful assassin.
posted by doctornemo at 10:55 AM on December 20, 2023

For musical accompaniment ... Tipsy: Reverse Cowgirl.
posted by user92371 at 11:16 AM on December 20, 2023 [1 favorite]

Other holiday positions:

Doubling Up on the Sled
Decorating the Tree
Going Down the Chimney
Going Up the Chimney
Getting Stuck in the Chimney
Milk and Cookies
Grinchin' It
O Holy Night (requires gloryhole)
Dashing Through the Snow
The Holly and the Ivy
posted by Halloween Jack at 11:45 AM on December 20, 2023 [4 favorites]

Euphoria and intimacy of season" can explain the sex having part

Perhaps Xmas isn't the only thing that comes once a year
posted by biffa at 12:00 PM on December 20, 2023 [3 favorites]

How many injuries happen at office parties, where you're ... Away In a Manager?
posted by uncleozzy at 12:09 PM on December 20, 2023 [3 favorites]

So maybe I shouldn't wish it could be Christmas everyday? (Insert your own Roy Wood comment here).
posted by gtrwolf at 12:49 PM on December 20, 2023

My goodness I didn't expect the Wikipedia page to include an image!?
posted by Braeburn at 1:13 PM on December 20, 2023 [1 favorite]

Don't click a link for "penile fracture" and expect to come away unscathed.
posted by pracowity at 1:25 PM on December 20, 2023 [2 favorites]

Serving the Eggnog
Licking the Candycane
The Wonders of His Love
Stuffing the Stockings
posted by nickmark at 1:57 PM on December 20, 2023 [2 favorites]

Reverse Cowgirl is maybe ok for the person lying down, but the person on top has nothing to look at but feet*. Which I guess is ok if you're into that, but honestly, meh.

*Unless this is a more-than-two-people situation. Or watching TV while you have sex is your thing.
posted by emjaybee at 1:58 PM on December 20, 2023

Unless this is a more-than-two-people situation

I believe that's what you'd call a "Joy to the World" scenario.
posted by nickmark at 2:00 PM on December 20, 2023 [1 favorite]

Feels like it’s ruling out approximately 50 percent of available positions if you insist on looking at the other person the whole time. I mean, just doing the math.
posted by atoxyl at 4:15 PM on December 20, 2023

Nature has been kind to owls, in not burdening them with this problem.
posted by atoxyl at 4:24 PM on December 20, 2023 [4 favorites]

Riding the Red-nosed Reindeer
Bumble Bounce
posted by JohnFromGR at 4:37 PM on December 20, 2023

particularly in positions where you’re not in direct eye contact [with your partner], such as ... Wikipedia entry

My partner and I have tried Wikipedia entry and we don't recommend it.
posted by neuron at 5:22 PM on December 20, 2023 [11 favorites]

As someone who has suffered from an ugly toenail infection I've been turned off by the thought of my partner's possible disgust at my feet.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 6:44 PM on December 20, 2023

I was curious if vaginal sex was somehow riskier than anal.

Nonetheless, it remains fairly popular.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 7:10 PM on December 20, 2023 [3 favorites]

"The average age for sustaining such injuries was 42" ... which I always find is really the saddest of all ̶k̶e̶y̶s̶ ages.
posted by lukemeister at 7:33 PM on December 20, 2023 [1 favorite]

The average age for sustaining such injuries was 42

Ah, the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe and everything
posted by chavenet at 11:43 PM on December 20, 2023 [2 favorites]

I hear the phrase "Peyronie's Disease" way too many times a day all throughout the year on some drug commercial, there's no way the majority is holiday acrosex, or sliding down banisters, or, or or. I speculate that there is an epidemic of approaching-middle aged dudes jacking off too hard. It's the only thing that fits the blanketing of that term across mass media. Probably in the last 20 years these 42ish year olds discovered internet porn and some took to it too enthusiastically for too long. I know, long shot. I don't think I'd ever heard that name before 5 years ago, and it probably took 20 years to come up with a treatment for broke dick.
posted by rhizome at 1:45 AM on December 21, 2023

> Reverse Cowgirl is maybe ok for the person lying down, but the person on top has nothing to look at but feet

I've heard a mirror helps with this. Also, person on bottom positioned with knees bent over edge of bed out of view?

Re: Peyronie's Disease frequency of mentions, maybe overly enthusiastic CBT (not cognitive behavioral therapy- the other CBT)? OitnB mainstreamed edging, maybe another practice I suspect was invented by genius gay men has gone mainstream solo/hetero? Or maybe it's just my porn echo chamber 🫢
posted by ASCII Costanza head at 8:39 AM on December 21, 2023 [2 favorites]

I've been turned off by the thought of my partner's possible disgust at my feet.
Keep your socks on. In fact, keep your shoes on. Or put your partner's shoes on and ask, "Hey, how'd you do that with your legs?!"
posted by pracowity at 8:40 AM on December 21, 2023 [2 favorites]

Risk of penile fractures rises at Christmas

Still less painful than having your chestnuts roasting on an open fire.
posted by Paul Slade at 6:10 AM on December 22, 2023

I've heard a mirror helps with this.

Sure. You ... heard about that.
posted by Paul Slade at 6:13 AM on December 22, 2023 [1 favorite]

Still less painful than having your chestnuts roasting on an open fire.

... Jack Frost nipping at your "nose"
posted by lukemeister at 12:14 PM on December 22, 2023

My partner and I have tried Wikipedia entry and we don't recommend it.

Citation kneaded.
posted by taz at 11:49 PM on December 22, 2023 [2 favorites]

The true source of Christmas Pain in Christmas Town.
posted by FatherDagon at 8:00 AM on December 23, 2023