The world's funniest joke.
October 3, 2002 6:04 AM   Subscribe

The world's funniest joke. The results are in. Here it is. Using science, British researchers have determined the funniest joke in the world.
posted by mert (149 comments total) 8 users marked this as a favorite

 
So two British scientists walk in to a bar..........
posted by Dr_Octavius at 6:08 AM on October 3, 2002


Oh c'mon, we all know the world's funniest joke is:

Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer?

Ja! .. Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
posted by Cyrano at 6:12 AM on October 3, 2002


Okay, two sausages are sitting in a frying pan. The first sausage says, "Is it getting hot in herre to you?" The second sausage then replies, "Holy shit, a talking sausage!"
posted by corpse at 6:15 AM on October 3, 2002


Mmm... I'd still go with the REAL funniest joke in the world.
posted by falameufilho at 6:16 AM on October 3, 2002


The original post has quite a few gems in it as well. The link in that post has since expired (it was a Yahoo! News link), but like I said, the comments are great.
posted by gummi at 6:19 AM on October 3, 2002


Okay, I'll bite. Their 'universal joke' was indeed funny. But I most liked the 'European' joke - and the 'word play' joke was corny as hell.

Better hand in my Australian-Living-in-the-UK badge.
posted by rory at 6:21 AM on October 3, 2002


Computer analysis of the data also showed that jokes containing 103 words were thought to be especially funny.

Yes, but only when the wind is blowing from the southeast.
posted by machaus at 6:21 AM on October 3, 2002


Dr Wiseman's team is launching a book describing their findings today. To celebrate the occasion, a man in a six foot chicken costume will drive a huge banner inscribed with the winning joke around the streets of London.

So that's what you've been up to lately, Stav.
posted by rory at 6:24 AM on October 3, 2002


Now that we've uncovered the frontal lobe's tendency to send hearty "laugh signals" at certain joke elements, we can build a man-made super joke that will conquer the world!

"Jokes mentioning ducks at 6.03 pm on October 7 were seen as funnier than other jokes."

Hmmm....
posted by Pinwheel at 6:27 AM on October 3, 2002


My dog has no nose.
posted by yhbc at 6:27 AM on October 3, 2002


How does it smell?
posted by starvingartist at 6:31 AM on October 3, 2002


But yhbc, if you're dog has no nose, how can he possibly smell things?
posted by sklero at 6:32 AM on October 3, 2002


My duck has no nose. (Please save this comment and read in 4 days' time.)
posted by picopebbles at 6:33 AM on October 3, 2002


ARRGH!! Beat me to it. And I used the wrong "your." I'm leaving this thread now.
posted by sklero at 6:33 AM on October 3, 2002


Terrible!

(Apparently, I've got to either get better straight men, or be quicker with the punchlines).
posted by yhbc at 6:35 AM on October 3, 2002


joke:-

One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below the surface. He noticed a guy at the same depth who was wearing no SCUBA gear.

The diver went down another 20 feet but the guy joined him in only a few minutes. The diver continued down another 25 feet and was now 65 feet below the surface. In only a few moments the other swimmer joined him again.

Very confused, the scuba diver took out a waterproof chalkboard and wrote, "How the hell are you able to stay under this deep with no equipment?"

The swimmer took the board, erased what the diver had written and scribbled, "I'm drowning, you idiot!"
posted by SpaceCadet at 6:38 AM on October 3, 2002


(RIM SHOT!)
posted by byort at 6:39 AM on October 3, 2002


Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because he was dead.
posted by NedKoppel at 6:57 AM on October 3, 2002


From a recent McSweeney's interview with Kurt Vonnegut:

Vonnegut: Well, do you know the one about the man who fell of the cliff? And on the way down, he happened to grab on to a very thin branch in the mountainside. So this guy is finally praying to God. He says, "Please, God, help me out here. Tell me what I should do." And God says, "Hello, my son. I will help you. Just let go of the branch and I will see that you are safe." And the man cries out, "Isn't there anybody else up there I can talk to?"
posted by Pinwheel at 6:57 AM on October 3, 2002 [1 favorite]


HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

Good one space cadet.
posted by a3matrix at 7:00 AM on October 3, 2002


So Buddah walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
posted by goddam at 7:01 AM on October 3, 2002


Man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "I'd like a hamburger, please."

The Librarian: "But sir, this is a library."

The Man: "Oh." (whispers) "I'd like a hamburger, please."
posted by jalexei at 7:02 AM on October 3, 2002


Americans and Canadians, on the other hand, preferred jokes where there was a strong sense of superiority - either because a character looks stupid or is made to look stupid by someone else.
Homer: "Because sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves."
posted by tr33hggr at 7:04 AM on October 3, 2002


Why did the dog fall out of the tree?

He was stapled to the monkey.
posted by hughbot at 7:04 AM on October 3, 2002


Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: A fish.
posted by quirked at 7:12 AM on October 3, 2002


Everyone's heard this joke. It's still the best-

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.

He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "I can't seem to get her started. Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Honey, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's door to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"

He hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, in the swing."
posted by bradth27 at 7:14 AM on October 3, 2002


What do you call a three-legged donkey?

A wonky.
posted by netsirk at 7:16 AM on October 3, 2002


And the guy with five (ahem) appendages

Underpants fit like a glove
posted by johnny7 at 7:22 AM on October 3, 2002


What's the difference between a duck?

One of its legs are both the same.
posted by jozxyqk at 7:27 AM on October 3, 2002


Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?

He thought it was a game.
posted by gramcracker at 7:28 AM on October 3, 2002


"You're a human being...what?"
posted by Smart Dalek at 7:29 AM on October 3, 2002


A pirate walks into a bar, looking quite annoyed, walks up to the bartender, and orders a drink. Everyone in the bar looks at him strangely, because he has a steering wheel attached to the crotch of his pants. No one dares mention it until after the pirate has had a couple drinks, and seems to be feeling slightly more jovial.

"Excuse me for asking, sir, " says the bartender, "But I can't help but wonder why you have a steering wheel attached to the crotch of your pants."

"Arrrrr! It's drrriving me nuts!"



Thank you. I'll be here all week.
posted by jammer at 7:30 AM on October 3, 2002


surely the problem with this is that now that everyone has heard the award winning joke, it isn't the funniest joke any more.

oh...

what's brown and sticky?


...


a stick
posted by jonvaughan at 7:36 AM on October 3, 2002


Best joke is a toss-up between the Cessna crashing into the cemetery in Kansas (rescuers found 826 casualties) ... or the two winos watching a dog lick its balls (first one says: "I sure wish *I* could do that." and the other replies: "I think you better pet him first.")

Now, don't make me bring out the pig with the wooden leg.
posted by RavinDave at 7:39 AM on October 3, 2002


My favorite of all time:

This guy goes into a grocery store, picks up some milk, donuts, beer, and a can of Cheez Wiz. He walks up to the checkout counter and puts his purchases on the belt.

The cashier scans his groceries, looks up at him, smiles, and goes, "I bet you're single, aren't you?"

The guy laughs a little, and says, "Yeah, how'd you know?"

The cashier says, "'Cause you're UGLY."
posted by gramcracker at 7:42 AM on October 3, 2002


The funniest jokes are the ones you've not heard before. To be honest, I haven't heard a joke told by someone thats really made me laugh out loud for ages.
posted by ralawrence at 7:55 AM on October 3, 2002


not very pc but anyway.

A man with Tourette's Syndrome walks into the most exclusive restaurant in town.

"Where's the pissing, motherfucking manager, you cocksucking arsewipe?", he inquires of one of the waiters.
The waiter is taken-aback and replies, "Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can".

The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken-fucking manager of this bastard place?"

"Yes sir, I am", replies the manager, "but I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant".

"Fuck off" replies the bloke "and where's the fucking piano?

"Pardon?", says the manager.

"Fucking deaf as well, are we? You snivelling little piece of shit, show me your cunting piano".

"Ah", replies the manager, "you've come about the pianist job", and shows the bloke to the piano.

"Can you play any blues?"

"Of course I fucking can", and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.

"That's superb. What's it called?"

"I tried to shag yer missus on the sofa but the springs kept hurting my dick", replies the bloke.

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.

"Magnificent!", cries the manager.

"What's it called?"

"I wanted a wank over the washing machine but I got my balls caught in the soap drawer".

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads. The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody the manager has ever heard,

"And what's this called?", asks the manager.

"As I fuck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece", replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.

This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her breasts are almost falling out the top
of her black lace bra,and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is doing very little to conceal her ample charms. She's sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots as the butter is dripping down her chin. The image is too much for the bloke and he scurries off to the Gents to furiously masturbate. He's tugging away furiously when he hears the manager's voice.

"Where's that bastard pianist?".

He just has time to relieve himself, and in a fluster he runs back to the piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and
whispers in his ear,

"Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?"

The bloke replies "Know it? I fucking wrote it
posted by johnnyboy at 8:02 AM on October 3, 2002 [2 favorites]


My favorite (and yes, I'm easily amused.)

Have you heard about the latest pirate movie?



It's rated ARRRRRRRRRR!
posted by SuzySmith at 8:03 AM on October 3, 2002


The Pope, and President Clinton die on the same day, Clinton goes to heaven, and the Pope goes to hell by mistake, it takes the Pope about a half hour to fix things, and as he's heading up to heaven he sees Bill coming down, and the Pope says "Where are you going" Bill says " to hell", and Bill says " Pope where are you going" the Pope says " to see the Virgin Mary" Bill says " You're about 20 minutes too late"
posted by jbou at 8:05 AM on October 3, 2002


So this plane is flying over the Atlantic Ocean and it crashes into the sea because the pilot was a loaf of bread.
posted by Apoch at 8:15 AM on October 3, 2002


What did the farmer say when he couldn't find his tractor?

"Where's my tractor?"
posted by sklero at 8:20 AM on October 3, 2002


apoch - huh?
posted by widdershins at 8:22 AM on October 3, 2002


To jonvaughan:
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A Stick.
posted by Dr_Octavius at 8:25 AM on October 3, 2002


Did I tell you about my dog, Minton?

He swallowed two shuttlecocks last night. Bad Minton! Bad Minton!

(available for parties etc.)
posted by muckybob at 8:25 AM on October 3, 2002


A man walks into a bar. sits down and immediately hears a little voice that says, "Nice Tie". Man looks around and then hears, "Nice shirt". The man, flustered, asked the bartender, "What's that voice?". Bartender replies, "Oh that's the peanuts, they're complementary"

shecky mike :) thank you, don't forget to tip your waitresses
posted by mkelley at 8:25 AM on October 3, 2002


So a rabbi, a priest, a cop and a salesman walk into a bar and the bartender says, "what is this, a joke?"

Those germans, they'll laugh at anything. That was the best joke in the article.
posted by Fabulon7 at 8:26 AM on October 3, 2002


After she retired from the nanny business, Mary Poppins moved to Las Vegas and became a psychic whose specialty was the prediction of bad breath. Her sign read "Super California Mystic. Expert: Halitosis."
posted by Shadowkeeper at 8:30 AM on October 3, 2002


Ruined the joke. "Los Angeles". Nuts.
posted by Shadowkeeper at 8:31 AM on October 3, 2002


"Dude! You forgot to enable voting!"

Oooops ... sorry. Wrong site.
posted by RavinDave at 8:32 AM on October 3, 2002


Rectum?
posted by Fabulon7 at 8:33 AM on October 3, 2002


...........Damn near killed im'.
posted by Dr_Octavius at 8:34 AM on October 3, 2002


Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Why the long face?"
posted by oissubke at 8:35 AM on October 3, 2002


How does the butcher introduce his wife?

"Meet Patty"

The only joke I seem to remember, ever
posted by jeremias at 8:36 AM on October 3, 2002


Says the snowmobile repairman to the Canadian: "Looks like you blew a seal."
"No, no, that's just frost on my beard."
posted by Fabulon7 at 8:37 AM on October 3, 2002


alt punch line to Fabulon7's joke

"Hey, leave my personal life outta this!"
posted by mkelley at 8:40 AM on October 3, 2002


Two parrots sit on a perch. One says to the other, "Do you smell fish?"
posted by transient at 8:43 AM on October 3, 2002


Here you go:

Mother Teresa goes up to heaven when she dies...among all the people cavorting with angels she sees Princess Di, with a gigantic halo--much bigger than the angels' halos and certainly much much bigger than her own....She goes up to Di and says, "How come your halo is so much bigger than mine? I spent my entire life caring for people!"

Di says, "It's not a halo--It's the steering wheel!"

ba-dum-bum!
posted by amberglow at 8:43 AM on October 3, 2002


Here, I'll try and redeem myself.

What's Irish and sits around on your porch all day?

Paddy O'Furniture.
posted by Shadowkeeper at 8:46 AM on October 3, 2002


How did short people get to America?

Shrimp boats.
posted by sharksandwich at 8:51 AM on October 3, 2002


What looks good on hippies?

Flames.
posted by sharksandwich at 8:58 AM on October 3, 2002


A priest, a rabbi and a doctor all walk into a bar.

At the same moment, they all clutch their foreheads and say:

"OWWWwwwwwwww!"

Thank you. Thank you. And let me point out that the findings of the scientists in the original story (remember that?) should have been:

All jokes about hunters shooting each other are funny.
posted by soyjoy at 8:58 AM on October 3, 2002


Q. What's pink and wrinkled and hangs out your trousers?

A. Yer mum.
posted by leafy at 9:02 AM on October 3, 2002


Jesus is hanging on the cross, when he looks down and weakly calls out, "John..."

Wanting to hear the final words of the lord, John makes his way towards the base of the cross but is stopped by guards who break both of his legs and throw him back down the small hill.

After pulling himself up, John looks to the cross and still hears Jesus saying, "John...John"

Again, he pulls himself up the hill towards the cross, but again the guards beat him, this time until both of his arms are broken and push him back down the small hill.

After regaining consciousness, John looks up to the cross one last time, still hearing his name being called. Slowly, but surely, he crawls up the hill while in constant pain, and this time the guards let him pass, thinking there is no harm he can do in his condition.

Exhausted upon reaching the base of the cross, John looks up to Jesus and utters the words, "Yes, my Lord?"

Jesus looks down and then out across the land and says, "John... I can see your house from here."
posted by almostcool at 9:02 AM on October 3, 2002 [1 favorite]


i heart almostcool!!! hysterical! (i'm still laughing as i type)
posted by amberglow at 9:06 AM on October 3, 2002


what's brown and sticky?

a stick

thank you thank you I am available for weddings barmitzvahs etc.

p.s a fly asks r.kelly if he can borrow five pounds

r. kelly replies I believe I can, fly.

p.p.s Why do women wear make-up and perfume

cos' they're ugly and they smell.
posted by johnnyboy at 9:07 AM on October 3, 2002


did you hear the one about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

he sold his soul to santa.

or

old mac donald was dyslexic ie ie a.

Before anyone gets offended I am actually slyxdexic
posted by johnnyboy at 9:12 AM on October 3, 2002


Hell, don't stop there. Tell us about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac.

He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog.
posted by yhbc at 9:15 AM on October 3, 2002


I was having dinner with Charles Manson the other day and he turned to me and said "Is it hot in here or am I crazy?"

- or my favorite -

Guy comes home from work to see his wife packing her bags. He says "What's wrong honey"?
"I'm leaving you!!!"
"Why are you leaving me?!?" he asks worryingly.
"I heard you were a pedophile!!!"
"Pedophile??", he says. "That's an awfully big word for an 11 year old!"

-----------
I'd like to apologize for those in advance. Thank you.
posted by Dantien at 9:18 AM on October 3, 2002


A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.

The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

"I see your eyes are working" replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.

"I see your ears are working" says the duck. "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?".

"Certainly," says the landlord, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck.

So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him;

"You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous" says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call."

So the next day, the duck comes into the pub.

The landlord says, "Hey Mr Duck. I reckon I can line you up with a top job. Paying really good money!"

"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus" says the landlord.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right" replies the landlord.

"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.

"That's right!" says the landlord.

The duck looks confused. "What do they want with a plasterer?"
posted by delboy_trotter at 9:19 AM on October 3, 2002


Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 8 9!
posted by TskTsk at 9:20 AM on October 3, 2002


It may be time to break out the leprosy jokes...
posted by Fabulon7 at 9:23 AM on October 3, 2002


Guy hears a knock on his door and answers it. Outside, there's a blonde who explains that she's trying to raise money for college, and wants to know if there's any chores she can do.

The guy thinks about it, excuses himself, then comes back with a bucket of paint and a brush. He says, "Well, the porch does need painting, but I can only pay you fifty dollars."

The blonde agrees, and the guy gives her the supplies, then goes inside to tell his wife. His wife says, "Did she realized the porch goes around the whole side of the house?"

"Well, I should hope so," the husband replies, "She was standing on it at the time"

An hour later, the blonde knocks on the door, and says that she's done. "I had paint left over, so I went ahead and put on a second coat."

She leans in close to the husband and whispers, "Oh, by the way, it's not a porch, its a lexus."
posted by GeekAnimator at 9:35 AM on October 3, 2002


A chicken walks into a public library, goes up to the front desk and says, â??Book, book, book.â? The librarian hands a book to the chicken, which it then tucks under its wing and walks out. The next day, the chicken walks back into the library, makes its way up the front desk and says, â??Book, book, book.â? Again, the librarian hands a book to the chicken, which it then tucks under its wing and walks out.

This goes on for an entire week, until the librarian decides to follow the chicken to see what it is doing with all of these books. So the very next day, after the chicken has walked into the library, gone to the front desk and said, â??Book, book, book,â? and been handed a book which its tucked under its wing, the librarian falls in behind the chicken as it leaves the library.

The librarian stays far enough back so as to not be caught following the chicken. She follows it all the way across town, to a large pond. Once at the shoreline of the pond, she watches as the chicken tosses the book at a large bullfrog sitting on a lily pad. The frog then looks at the book and croaks, â??Read it. Read it.â?
posted by debralee at 9:37 AM on October 3, 2002


So a patient walks into a psychiatrist's office covered head to toe in saran wrap.

"Well" said the psychiatrist "I can clearly see your nuts."
posted by Dr_Octavius at 9:37 AM on October 3, 2002


It's not the funniest joke in the world. It's a tribute to the funniest joke in the world.
posted by padraigin at 9:44 AM on October 3, 2002


A man walks into a bar. sits down and immediately hears a little voice that says, "Nice Tie". Man looks around and then hears, "Nice shirt". The man, flustered, asked the bartender, "What's that voice?". Bartender replies, "Oh that's the peanuts, they're complementary"
shecky mike :) thank you, don't forget to tip your waitresses
posted by mkelley at 8:25 AM PST on October 3


The man then goes over to the cigarette machine & as he's about to put the money in he hears a voice say 'Fuck off, wanker!'. He looks around & sees nothing. Then he hears the voice say 'You dress like a tramp!'. Getting more aggravated he goes back to the bartender & asks 'What's with the voice over there', pointing to the machine.

'Oh, that's the cigarette machine. It's out of order...'
posted by i_cola at 9:49 AM on October 3, 2002


A man goes into a bar and orders a beer. As he's drinking, he notices a gorilla sitting at the end of the bar, docilely eating peanuts. He motions to the bartender and asks, "Hey - what's up with the gorilla?"

The bartender smiles and says, "Watch this, you'll love it." He pulls a pint and sends it careening down the bar. The gorilla snatches up the pint, drains it in one go, leaps over the bar, beats his chest, and charges the bartender roaring like mad. The bartender calmly waits until the gorilla is within reaching distance, whips out a baseball bat from under the bar, and cracks the gorilla right between the eyes. The gorilla stops in his tracks, shakes his head, pulls down the bartender's pants and gives him a blowjob. After he finishes, the gorilla goes back to his place at the end of the bar.

The guy is stunned. "That's amazing!" The bartender smiles and says, "I know. You want to try?" The guy thinks for a second and says, "OK, but don't hit me so hard with the baseball bat."
posted by starvingartist at 10:08 AM on October 3, 2002


Q: Why is there only one Eiffel Tower?

A: Because they eat their young.
posted by starvingartist at 10:09 AM on October 3, 2002


What begins with T, ends with T, and is full of T?





....


a teapot
posted by jazon at 10:10 AM on October 3, 2002


Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses walks up to the tee and drives a long one. The ball lands on the fairway, but rolls directly toward the water hazard. Quickly, Moses raises his club, parts the water, and the ball rolls to the other side, safe and sound. Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It lands right in the center of the pond and kind of hovers over the water. Jesus casually walks out on the pond and chips the ball onto the green. The third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It heads out over the fence, into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby
tree. From there, it bounces onto the roof of a house close by and rolls down the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hits a little stone and bounces out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rests quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumps up on the lily pad and snatches the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swoops down and grabs the frog and flies away. As they pass over the green, the frog squeals with fright and drops the ball, which bounces right into the cup for a hole in one. Jesus says" Dad, did you come here to fuck around or play golf?"
posted by signal at 10:10 AM on October 3, 2002


Guy walks into a doctor's office and says: "Doc, you gotta help me, my penis is orange!"

The doctor examines him, thinks about it for a bit, and says: "Have you changed your diet recently?"

"Nope."

"Anything different about your environment?"

"Nothing."

Flabbergasted, the Doctor says: "Well, I don't know what could be causing this. Can you tell me how you spend a typical day?"

"Well, Doc, my girlfriend just broke up with me all week, so basically, I've just been sitting on my couch, watching porn and eating Cheetos."
posted by thanotopsis at 10:14 AM on October 3, 2002


A grasshooper walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender looks at him and says "You know, we have a drink named after you." To which the grasshopper looks at him quizzically and says "You have a drink named Steve?"
posted by triggerfinger at 10:22 AM on October 3, 2002


Didja hear the one about the toothless termite who went into the bar and asked, "Where's the bar tender?"

...

{crickets chirping...}

...

Is this thing on??
posted by jpburns at 10:23 AM on October 3, 2002


A duck goes into a bar and askes the bartender, "You got any fish?" The bartender replies, "No, this is a bar and we don't sell fish," so the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck goes back to the bar and asks, "You got any fish?" The bartender says, "I told you yesterday, this is a bar and we don't sell fish!"

The following day the duck returns and says, "You got any fish?" The bartender loses it, grabs the duck by the neck and screams, "I TOLD YOU TWICE, THIS IS A BAR. WE DON'T SELL FISH. IF YOU ASK AGAIN, I'M GONNA NAIL YOUR WEBBED FEET TO THE FLOOR!"

The next day, the duck goes into the bar and asks, "Got any nails?" The bartender sighs and says, "No, we don't have any nails." The duck says, "Good. Got any fish?"
posted by starvingartist at 10:25 AM on October 3, 2002


worlds funniest joke, or lowest common denominator?
posted by blue_beetle at 10:27 AM on October 3, 2002


This one's kind of rude, sorry.

An elephant is walking in the forest when he gets a thorn stuck in his foot. A passing mouse hears his cries for help and comes to ask what is the matter.

"I have a thorn in my foot," said the elephant, "and I will do anything if you can get it out."

The mouse says, "Will you let me fuck you in the ass?"

The elephant, who figures he won't feel it anyway, says, "Sure." So the mouse pulls the thorn out of the elephant's foot, climbs up on his back, and starts banging away. The elephant, of course, feels nothing.

Some monkeys who happen to be swinging by notice this mouse humping this elephant, and they start laughing hysterically. Then they start heckling and throwing coconuts at the elephant. One of the coconuts hits the elephant right in the head.

"OW!" screams the elephant.

The mouse yells, "That's right! Take it all, bitch!"
posted by starvingartist at 10:28 AM on October 3, 2002


starvingartist: There's an (IMO) better version of that joke.

A guy's hitchhiking, and he gets picked up by a trucker. He gets in the cab, and notices that the trucker's got a monkey between the two seats. He asks the trucker what's with the monkey. The trucker says "Watch this." and hits the monkey on the head, and the monkey jumps into the guy's lap and starts sucking his dick.

"Wow!" says the hitchhiker. "That's pretty amazing."

"Yeah," says the trucker. "You wanna try?"

"Ok, I guess. But don't hit me so hard."
posted by rusty at 10:36 AM on October 3, 2002


Rectum? But I don't even know him!

So there are these three strings that want to get a drink. The first goes into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

Bartender: Aren't you a string?
String 1: Why yes, I am.
Bartender: Then get outta here! We don't serve your kind around these parts.

The string leaves the bar and confers with his friends. The second string is determined to get a drink, but is rejected just like the first. The third string gets really angry, so he ties himself into a knot, ruffles it up, and enters the bar.

Bartender: Are you a string? Because we don't serve your kind in here.
String 3: No, I'm a frayed knot.
posted by kelperoni at 10:40 AM on October 3, 2002


More bar joke goodness:

A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "We don't serve your type here." The mushroom says "Why not? I'm a fun guy."

I have plenty more where that came from folks.
posted by triggerfinger at 10:44 AM on October 3, 2002


A Saudi prince is visiting the White House and meets with President Bush.
"Everything I have seen in America is truly amazing" says the prince, "but I do have a question." The President smiles and replies "Tell me what you want to know, and I will do my best to answer."
"Well, you see, my nephew is a huge fan of your television shows. His favorite is 'Star Trek'. However, recently he has become very upset because, as he says, there are whites and blacks and hispanics and orientals and people of every race and color in Star Trek, but there are no Arabs. Can you tell me, Mr. President, why there are no Arabs in Star Trek?"
President Bush smiles, leans toward the Saudi prince and whispers "That is because Star Trek takes place in the future..."
posted by quonsar at 10:57 AM on October 3, 2002


An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman all walk into a bar and order a frosty pint. Suddenly, a fly lands in each glass of beer.

The Englishman refuses the beer outright and sends it back.

The Scotsman picks out the fly and proceeds to drink his beer.

The Irishman picks up the fly and starts shaking it violently, shouting "Spit it out! Spit it out, you greedy bastard!"
posted by MJoachim at 10:59 AM on October 3, 2002


Two peanuts were walking down the street.
One was assaulted


peanut.


part 2:
2 Peanuts were walking down the street.
One was a cashew



peanut.

Now that's comedy!
posted by rodz at 11:14 AM on October 3, 2002


So this guy, Bilfred, is looking for a job, and decided to look into an advertisement for a bell ringer at the local church. He goes over for an interview and the priest in charge thinks the guy would probably do, but first he needs to see Bilfred's bell-ringing technique, so he takes him up to the bell tower.

Now, the bell tower is this big tall thing, several stories high. The priest tells Bilfred that they need to get the pull cords on the bells fixed, so for now he needs to ring them up in the tower. They climb the stairs to the top so that Bilfred can check out the bells and show the priest his skills.

The priest tells Bilfred to do his thing, then hands him a pair of earplugs, because they are so close to the bells. Bilfred puts in the plugs, then gives the biggest bell a mighty heave. Unfortunately, Bilfred forgets to step back out of the way of the bell. The priest yells at him to duck, but Bilfred can't hear him. The bell smashes right into Bilfred's face, knocking him out of the tower.

The priest runs down the stairs, and finds a crowd gathering around the now dead Bilfred. Someone sees the priest, and asks him who the body is. The priest shrugs and says, "I'm not sure, but his face rings a bell..."
posted by jazon at 11:15 AM on October 3, 2002


When reading this please remember it is coming from someone with 100% Irish blood (",)

_______________________________________________

It's a cold, rainy Monday morning, and Paddy is walking down the road, looking for work, when he sees a sign outside the lumber yard, saying 'Tree fellers wanted'.

[He thinks to himself, 'Well, there's only the one o' me, but I'll give it a go anyhow.']

So he applys to the manager of the yard, who asks him,
'have you done this sort of thing before?'
Paddy is an honest bloke, so he says, 'No, but i'm a hard worker, an' a fast learner, howsabout you take me on a tryout?'

The manager likes the look of the guy, and says, 'Well, we have a target for all our workers, you have to cut down 20 trees per day. If you still want to give it a go, go get some equipment from the hardware store, and by Wednesday, you better be cutting 20 a day.''

Paddy is over the moon at this, goes and gets the best saw he can afford, and sets to work straight away.

By 6:00pm, he's learnt the ropes from the older hands, but he's knackered, having cut down 15 trees on his first day, and goes to report to the boss.

The boss is impressed with Paddy, but reminds him: 'It's gotta be 20 by Wednesday, or you're out!'

Paddy comes back the next day, works without a lunchbreak, improves his technique, and come 6pm, he reports back to the boss.

'Boss, I'm gettin' better, I chopped 17 o' them big ole' trees today.'

'Well, you know, thats good, but I need you to get 20 tomorow. OK?'

Paddy mumbles 'Sure, boss,' and goes home for a well earned dinner and a rest.

Next day - Wedesday - Paddy gets to the woods early, works like a dog all day, no coffee or mealbreaks, and come 6pm, walks back, dejected to the office.

'Paddy! How'd it go?' says the boss.

'Ahh, boss, I only managed to get 19. I guess I'm not cut out for this sawing lark.'

'Paddy, 'I'm sorry, you're the decent, hard working sort, but as I said before, you can't cut 20 a day, so I'll have to let you go. At least, if you go back to the store, you can get a refund on your tools.'

He gave Paddy his wages, and Paddy goes over to turn in his saw.

'I've lost me job, and I need to get the money back on this,' he says, putting the saw on the counter in front of the assistant.

'Right, sir, I'll just check it's still in working order,' says the guy, pulling the cord on the saw and starting the motor.

CHAG-CHAG!!-CHAG-CHAG!!-CHAG-CHAG !!- PARP- PARP !!-PARP- PARP !!-

'What the fucking hell's that !!' shouts Paddy.
posted by dash_slot- at 11:28 AM on October 3, 2002


jazon - in the richer (not necessarily better) version of that joke, bilfred gets the job as a sub for his brother, so that an additional punchline after "his face rings a bell" is "yeah, he's a dead ringer for his brother."
posted by soyjoy at 11:32 AM on October 3, 2002


"It's not the funniest joke in the world. It's a tribute to the funniest joke in the world". (padraigin)
Completely inexperienced, two friends read a few books about hunting, purchase their equipment and go hunting. Although they try to follow the instructions in the books one hunter accidently shoots his friend. A medevac helicopter is summoned by cell phone. The shooter drives to the hospital where he learns his friend is dead. He asks the attending doctor if there was anything else he could have done to have saved his friend. "He might have had a better chance if you hadn't gutted him out" answers the doctor.
posted by Mack Twain at 11:33 AM on October 3, 2002


Random bar joke
posted by Fabulon7 at 11:37 AM on October 3, 2002


soyjoy, you ruined my plans! I was waiting a couple minutes to post this:

So a couple months later this guy shows up at the church where the tragic bell accident occured. The priest is startled because it looks like Bilfred has come back from the dead. Turns out Bilfred had a twin brother, Pete, who also needs a job, and wants to try out as a bell ringer.

The priest, recovering from the shock, takes Pete over to the bell tower to see if he can handle the job. The ropes still aren't fixed, so they have to go to the top of the tower to ring the bells.

The priest gives out a pair of earplugs and tells Pete to have at it. Pete's about as bright as Bilfred, so he too gets smacked in the face by the bell and falls out of the tower.

The priest rushes down to the ground and approaches the crowd that has gathered. Again he's asked about the body. The priest shrugs and says, "I don't know much about him, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
posted by jazon at 11:39 AM on October 3, 2002


Q. What's purple and commutes?

A. An abelian grape!
posted by Silune at 11:40 AM on October 3, 2002


A woman calls her doctor and says "Doctor, I don't think this hormone treatment is going so well. I've got hair growing on my chest!"

The doctor replies "Hmm, that's not good. How far down does the hair grow?"

The woman replies "All the way to my dick."
posted by dglynn at 11:50 AM on October 3, 2002


Can't resist... must... tell... jokes...

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

Another Vonnegut joke:
What's the white stuff in bird poop?
That's bird poop, too.

Why did the girl fall off the swing?
She didn't have any arms.

Ah, amputee humor...
posted by skryche at 12:28 PM on October 3, 2002


So a farmer decided to try his hand at raising pigs. He doesn't know much about animal husbandry, but how hard can it be? Right? So he buys a bunch of pigs and builds a pen for them.

A few weeks later, he's becoming concerned because there's no piglets. So he calls his expert farmer friend who tells him, "If you want piglets, you have to breed your pigs." Aha! So the farmer loads all his pigs up in the truck, drives to the forest where no one will see him, and proceeds to breed all his pigs, one by one. He's real tired when he's done, so he drives them home, drops them in the pen, and goes to sleep.

The next morning he rolls out of bed and looks out the window. "Damnit!" he says to his wife. "No piglets." So once again, he loads all the pigs up in his truck, takes them out to the forest and proceeds to have his way with them again. He's exhausted when he's finished, but he wants to ensure some piglets, so he then proceeds to breed them all once more. It's dark when he gets back, so he throws the pigs in their pen and goes to sleep.

The next morning, he's so tired he can't even get up, so he says to his wife, "Honey, look out the window and see if there's any piglets yet."

She gets up and looks out the window, and then say, "No, no piglets. But all the pigs are in your truck and one of them's honking the horn!"
posted by hurkle at 12:32 PM on October 3, 2002


Whats orange and like a parrot?

A carrot.

posted by john_son at 12:36 PM on October 3, 2002


Non-PC warning!!

q: What's long and hard and fucks old people?
------------------------


a: Osteoperosis.
posted by ttrendel at 12:45 PM on October 3, 2002


Hey, the thread is exactly 103 comments lo--dammit.

Nevermind.
posted by pizzasub at 12:46 PM on October 3, 2002


jazon - oops, sorry. I guess I heard a conglomerated version.
posted by soyjoy at 12:49 PM on October 3, 2002


A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

Similarly, two cannibals are eating a clown. One of them turns to the other and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?"

Which reminds me, does anyone actually know the ending to the joke Judd Nelson starts telling in "The Breakfast Club" before he falls through the ceiling tiles? Something about a naked blonde with a poodle under one arm and a salami under the other...seriously?
posted by serafinapekkala at 12:52 PM on October 3, 2002


She said to me, "Give me twelve inches and make it hurt!"
So I fucked her twice and hit her in the head with a brick.
posted by Cerebus at 1:03 PM on October 3, 2002


So a guy is reading the classifieds, looking for work. He comes across an ad from a local biology laboratory:

VOLUNTEERS NEEDED TO IMPREGNATE FEMALE GORILLAS FOR STUDY OF GORILLA REPRODUCTION. $800.

He goes by the lab the next day and speaks with one of the researchers, who answers his questions about when and where, etc. The researcher notices he still looks uneasy, so he asks him, "Is there anything else you have a question about?" to which the man replies, "Yeah... Could you give me a couple of weeks to scrape together the eight hundred bucks?"

HAW!

Also, an alternate punchline to the surrealist light bulb joke:

Q: How many surrealist artists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two. One to paint the giraffe and one to fill the bathtub with brightly-colored telephones.
posted by UKnowForKids at 1:06 PM on October 3, 2002


Dash_slot: I've read this joke twice. I still don't get it.
posted by sharksandwich at 1:13 PM on October 3, 2002


Re Jesus/Moses/golf joke above: I've always considered this one of the funniest, but it really works better if Jesus and Moses just hit workaday golf shots, for example one slices into the rough, the other lands in a sand trap. Then dad does his thing as described and Jesus says, "Look, Dad, are we going to play golf or just fuck around?"

If Moses parts the water and Jesus walks on same, they're fucking around, too, so the punchline doesn't work. (Another variant has Moses and St. Peter trying to play regular golf, and Jesus fucking around.)
posted by beagle at 1:15 PM on October 3, 2002


Still another version I've heard has each of Moses and Jesus hitting into the lake, but retrieving each other's balls in their own way - Moses parts the water, Jesus walks out, etc.
posted by yhbc at 1:21 PM on October 3, 2002


sharksandwich: the Irishman had been cutting down all those trees without even starting up his chainsaw, supposedly by cutting them down by hand; hence his surprise at the sound of the saw when it was started up.
posted by yhbc at 1:24 PM on October 3, 2002


I seem to remember this study from a while ago though I can't find the link. My memory is that the hunter joke was *second* funniest. The funniest was:


Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were on an assignment that required outdoor surveillance. After a long day it was getting dark, so they climbed in their tent and fell asleep.

At 3 in the morning, Holmes nudged Watson awake and said, "Watson - look at the stars and tell me what you deduce."

Watson stared at the starry heavens and said, "Holmes, I see millions upon millions of stars shining brightly. If each of those stars is a sun, at least some of them *must* have planets orbiting around them. And since there are so many, at least *some* of the planets must have life on them. So, Holmes, I deduce that we are not alone in the universe. What do *you* deduce, Holmes?"

Holmes replies, "Watson you idiot. I deduce that our tent has been stolen."
posted by jasper411 at 1:26 PM on October 3, 2002


The version I've always told is Jesus, Moses, and John playing golf. Jesus keeps piping in with advice for the other two, saying, "Arnold Palmer would use [insert appropriate club here]". Then, when Jesus hits into a water hazard, he walks over the water to retrieve it.

Another golfer comes up to the party and asks, "Who does he think he is? Jesus Christ?"

Moses mutters, "No. Arnold Palmer."
posted by starvingartist at 1:28 PM on October 3, 2002


serafinapekkala -

The trivia section of the IMDB listing for "The Breakfast Club" says this:

The joke that Bender tells but never finishes (while crawling through the ceiling) actually has no punchline. According to Judd Nelson, he ad-libbed the line. Originally, he was supposed to tell a joke that would end when he came back into the library and said, "Forgot my pencil", but no one could come up with a joke for that punchline.

The whole quote is: "Naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm, and a two-foot salami under the other. The bartender says, 'I guess you won't be needing a drink.' Naked lady says-- [The ceiling gives way.] Oh shit!"
posted by starvingartist at 1:33 PM on October 3, 2002


Mainer joke (funnier whne said aloud, but anyway...):

Farmer Brown went to the employment office down in Bangor 'round harvest time. He walked up to the counter and said to the fella there:

"I'd like to hi-yah some ho-ahs."

"Come again?" asked the city fella.

"I'd like to hi-yah some ho-ahs."

"Do you mean prostitutes?" asked the city fella.

"Don't much care what religion they are," said Farmer Brown, "long as they can dig taters."
posted by briank at 1:44 PM on October 3, 2002


What a great thread! There's a special generosity in actually typing out a joke, specially if it's long. Thank you all!
posted by MiguelCardoso at 1:56 PM on October 3, 2002


So Buddah walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Then Buddah asks for his change.

Hot Dog Vendor: "Change comes from within"
posted by niceness at 2:00 PM on October 3, 2002


One afternoon three guys are sitting on a porch. Up walks a prostitute.

"Boys," she says, "it's been a slow week, so that means it's your lucky day. I'll do anything you want for twenty dollars, as long as you can say it in three words."

One jumps off the porch and whispers something in her ear. She shrugs, nods, and takes him off into the bushes. Ten minutes later they're back. He's having trouble walking.

Another stands up and whispers into her ear. She looks surprised, but a deal's a deal, so she takes him off and brings him back a bit later, red-faced and sweating.

The third man doesn't get up. "You're telling me you'll do anything I want for twenty dollars?"

"That's right," she says. "Three words, twenty dollars."

"Anything?"

"That's what I said. Whatever your little heart desires."

"All right then," he says. "Paint my house."
posted by gottabefunky at 2:05 PM on October 3, 2002


(For a dash of Jeopardy-style surrealism, read through all these punchlines and try to figure out what the jokes were about.)

OK, back to work *whipcrack*
posted by gottabefunky at 2:08 PM on October 3, 2002


Eric Clapton dies, goes to heaven. St. Peter is giving him the introductory tour and Eric sees a lot of his old friends, John Lennon strumming a guitar under a tree, Jimi Hendriix jamming in front of a massive stack of Marshall amplifiers, etc. Then he sees Bono walk past and he turns to St. Peter and says: "Hey, I didn't know Bono had died!" St. Peter answers: "No, that's God. Sometimes He just likes to dress up like Bono."
posted by Ty Webb at 2:17 PM on October 3, 2002


Koala walks into a restaurant and orders a meal. Finishes, and beckons the waitress. Before she can ask if he'd like the check, he pulls a gun from his little marsupial pouch, shoots her dead, gets up and waddles calmly for the door.

The shocked manager shouts "Why! Why would you do this?!" Koala snorts, "I'm a koala — look it up!" and exits.

Manager gets the dictionary from the office and reads:

ko-a-la n. An arboreal marsupial indigenous to Australia. Eats shoots and leaves.
posted by nicwolff at 2:39 PM on October 3, 2002


Good one, serafinapekkala! (and others)
Here's my two humble plagiarisms:

Q: What's brown and sounds like a bell?
A: Dung!

You know why women don't like the Three Stooges?
Cause they're not funny.

Zing!
posted by hoborg at 3:54 PM on October 3, 2002


Hearing good jokes, besides being funny, is always sad to me, because I know I'll never remember them the next day no matter how hard I try.
posted by Hildago at 4:41 PM on October 3, 2002


What do you call that useless piece of fatty flesh around the clittoris?

The answer is alternately, 'the woman' or 'the man' depending on your audience.
posted by mert at 4:44 PM on October 3, 2002


Oops, I meant clitoris.
posted by mert at 5:17 PM on October 3, 2002


Timing!
posted by Nicolae Carpathia at 5:28 PM on October 3, 2002


So tell me, what is the secret to good comedy?
posted by Nicolae Carpathia at 5:30 PM on October 3, 2002


A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"

I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds, "You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," replies the second man, and they both pour back their drinks.

Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin!" The men both continue drinking.

Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?"

"St. Mary's," replied the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable," the first man says. "I went to St. Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk again."
posted by SimStupid at 5:36 PM on October 3, 2002


My dad is a hillbilly so he has a great supply of hillbilly jokes. Such as:

A hillbilly is taking his driver's test. As he drives down the on-ramp, he sticks his head out the window and shouts, "Yeeeeeeeeeehaw!" And then he nearly sideswipes a car as he tries to merge with traffic. Horns blare and the tester is hanging on for dear life as the hillbilly swerves around. Ashen-faced, the tester shouts "Pull over!" When he does, the tester starts in on him, shouting: "Didn't you see the YIELD sign?" "Of course I saw it! But I yield and I yield and they kept on comin'!"

Another one:

A hillbilly goes into town for some groceries. He walks into a store and says: "Ah'd like some maters and some taters." The clerk says, "You're a hillbilly, aren't you?" He says, "Sure am, how can you tell?" "By the way you talk."

This kind of embarrassed the hillbilly so, after he gets back home with the groceries, he announces to his family that he is going to get himself an education. This he does, eventually graduating college magna cum laude. The first thing he does upon returning to his home is go into the first store he sees.

"Good evening sir, I would like some tomatoes and some potatoes." The clerk looks at him and says, "You're a hillbilly, aren't you?" The hillbilly says in surprise: "You're quite perceptive! I went to college to get rid of my accent; tell me, how did you know?" Clerk says: "Because this is a hardware store!"
posted by kindall at 5:47 PM on October 3, 2002


How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but it has to really want to change.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 6:24 PM on October 3, 2002


What do you get when you cross a Tiger with a Lamb?



A Tigerlamb!
posted by hellinskira at 6:27 PM on October 3, 2002


Two Southern Women sitting on a veranda. One is new money, the other has just married into old money.

So, the new money woman looks at the old money bride and says, "You see all that land out there? My honey bought that for me." To which the old money bride replied, "That's lovely."

And the new money woman points to a big ol herd of cattle grazing a few acres away and she says, "You see all those cows out there? My honey bought that for me." To which the old money bride replied, "That's lovely."

The new money woman points out a few other amenities to which the old money bride continues to reply, "That's lovely." Finally, the new money woman can't stand it any more and she turns to the old money bride and says "Well, I know your husband is well off, what did he buy for you?"

To which the old money bride replies, "Well, he bought me classes at charm school." And the new money woman says "Charm school? Why, whatever for?"

The old money bride whipped around and said, "Well, the first thing they taught me was to say 'That's lovely' instead of 'Fuck You'!"

Thank you ladies and gentlemen...try the sirloin tips... ;)
posted by dejah420 at 7:22 PM on October 3, 2002


A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear. He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear. In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims,

"Damn, some asshole has my pen!"
posted by Wet Spot at 7:52 PM on October 3, 2002


starvingartist: Naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm, and a two-foot salami under the other. The bartender says, 'I guess you won't be needing a drink.' Naked lady says--

"No, but I sure could use two pieces of bread and some mayo."

----

briank: Goddamn, that's funny. I have to tell my grandpa that one.
posted by rusty at 9:00 PM on October 3, 2002


Two women are playing golf. The first tees off and watches in horror as her ball heads directly at a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hits one of the men, and he immediately clasps his hands together at his crotch, falls to the ground, and proceeds to roll around in agony.

The woman rushes to the man and begins to apologize. She says: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know that I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"No, I'll be all right . . . I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replies as he remains in the fetal position, still clasping his crotch. But she persists, and he finally allows her to help. She unzips his pants, puts her hands inside, and begins to massage him. She then asks: "How does this feel?"

To which he rejoins: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

After a short pause, in which nothing is said, there is this exchange:

"You think you're so funny?" asks the lady, beginning to cry. "I spent many years training to become a physical therapist. My husband has M.S. We're in debt for thousands. You're no comedian!"

The man, too, begins to cry. He stands up. Wiping his eyes with his sleeve, he cracks wise: "I'm new at playing practical jokes and I'm slightly drunk. Please, just show me a little patience and I promise you that I won't do it again! Okay?"

"Okay," quips the lady, still crying. "All right then, okay."


(courtesy of McSweeney's)
posted by Fourmyle at 12:03 AM on October 4, 2002


some classic tommy cooper:

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."
The other one says "so are you, you fat bastard"




Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.



A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head.
Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?'
'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'I'm just Browsing.'



"Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you.
But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.



"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books'




"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"



"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice."


"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?'
I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'



I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.'
He said 'To camp?',
I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.'
I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.'
He said 'Camper?'
I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.'
posted by johnnyboy at 1:28 AM on October 4, 2002


In little Johnny's class at school, there's this kid with no arms or legs named Philip. Johnny knocks at the door of Philip's house and asks if Philip can come out to play soldiers.

"Johnny, you know full well that Philip hasn't got any arms or legs" says his mother.

"Yeah, I know that," says Johnny - "I was going to use him as a sandbag."



One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.

"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fuckin' beautiful!"
posted by Stumpy McGee at 2:36 AM on October 4, 2002


What's E.T. short for?
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Because he's got short legs.
posted by jiroczech at 5:50 AM on October 4, 2002


I'd like to apologize in advance for this so-called "joke".

Once upon a time there was a cute little 5 year old girl. She was the cutest, most adorable child ever, good-natured and what-not. She particularly liked christmas, and naturally liked getting presents.

When december came the little girl was anxious to get presents so she asked mother if she could get some presents. Her mother said:"Darling, you'll have to wait for christmas"

Every single day the little adorable girl asked for presents but her mother just told her to wait for christmas.

Finally christmas came, and the little girl, who also liked to give presents started to give out the presents. Her father got 7 presents, her mother 10, her brother got 15 and her grandma got 6 presents. But there were no presents for the little girl. She was very sad, and, almost crying, asked her mother why there were no presents for her.


The mother replied: You don't get any presents. You've got cancer.
posted by lazy-ville at 6:42 AM on October 4, 2002


What's better than winning 5 gold medals at the Special Olympics?

Not being retarded.


What do a hurricane and a white trash divorce have in common?

Either way, somebody's going to lose a trailer.
posted by vito90 at 7:09 AM on October 4, 2002


Why is a raven like a writing desk?
posted by planetkyoto at 8:34 AM on October 4, 2002


why?
posted by amberglow at 9:38 AM on October 4, 2002


I think you might do something better with the time, planetkyoto, than wasting it in asking riddles that have no answers.
posted by Shadowkeeper at 9:49 AM on October 4, 2002


What do you call a pig with three eyes?


Piiig
posted by donpardo at 10:43 AM on October 4, 2002


A raven is like a writing desk because Poe wrote on both.
posted by Cerebus at 11:09 AM on October 4, 2002


It's the first day of pre-school. So the teacher has everyone stand up and state their first names after calling out their last name. So the children do this, stand up and say their first name after the teacher calls out their last name. Teacher says Miss Brown, this little girl stands up and blurts out....
Happy Ass! the children roar with laughter
Teacher says, wa-wa-what?
Little girl blurts out, Happy Ass! the children roar with laughter, again.

Teacher says we will have no shenanigans in my class Miss Brown and directs her to the principles office.

The principle talks to the girl and everything seems in order.
The little girl goes back to class and the teacher says are you ready to do as you have been instructed Miss Brown?
She says, yea.

So the teacher says, ok, get on with it Miss Brown, and she blurts out Happy ASS! the children roar with laughter, again.

Now the teacher is furious so she calls her mother and they have a meeting with the principle. The mother is filled in with the problem of her little girl.
Principal asks the mother do you have an explanation
Mom says, O' she's easily confused you'll have to excuse her.
Teacher says, how is that?


Mom says, Happy Ass, Gladyss same thing........
posted by thomcatspike at 12:41 PM on October 4, 2002


A person belonging to an ethnic group whose members are commonly considered to have certain stereotypical mannerisms met another person belonging to a different ethnic group with a different set of imputed stereotypical mannerisms. The first person acted in a manner consistent with the stereotypes associated with his ethnic
group, and proceeded to make a remark which might be considered to establish conclusively his membership in that group, whereupon his companion proceeded to make a remark with a double meaning, the first meaning of which could be interpreted to indicate his agreement with his companion, but the other meaning of which serves to corroborate his membership in his particular ethnic group.

The first person took offense at his remark, and reacted in a stereotypical way
posted by Wet Spot at 6:47 PM on October 4, 2002


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