KozmoPr0n!

October 23, 2002 10:21 AM

KozmoPr0n! Problem: You're ready to rub one out, but the adult video store is a lengthy 2 blocks away! For those of us living in Manhattan or Brooklyn, quality DVD porn is now just a phone call away, a la Kozmo or UrbanFetch. (something tells me this place will stay in business a bit longer...)
posted by adamms222 (26 comments total)

you young wankers need pr0n to rub one out? sheesh, in my day, we used our imagination.
uphill.
seven miles.
in the winter.
posted by quonsar at 10:25 AM on October 23, 2002

*chuckles* You kids today! With your pornography and your masturbation. I wish your dear Aunt Dorothy was still around to see this -- she'd be so proud.
posted by stupidsexyFlanders at 10:27 AM on October 23, 2002

Wow, quonsar. Was that spooky or what?
posted by stupidsexyFlanders at 10:28 AM on October 23, 2002

I thought that said "UrbanFelch", which would clearly be a different service altogether.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 10:30 AM on October 23, 2002

I dunno about that. I worked in a porn shop in college, and the old adage about 80% of the business coming from 20% of the customers is totally true. It would take some of these guys hours, literally, to pick out their movies. There's a whole ritual to it for a lot of them. They're going to be the ones who pay the rent for a place like that, but do you really want to spend 45 minutes on the phone waiting for someone to make up their damn mind? I'm not even going to get into the ones who wanted you to run down a list of movie titles over the phone...
posted by Atom12 at 10:31 AM on October 23, 2002

Kazaalite, anybody?
posted by matteo at 10:33 AM on October 23, 2002

Don't you face twice the embarrassment when you rent "Shaving Ryan's Privates" this way, once on the phone, and another time when a man wearing gloves arrives at your door?
posted by machaus at 10:35 AM on October 23, 2002

I was going to copy Randall's video order from "Clerks", but looking at all the potentially offensive words in it, I'll pass. Go find it yourself - it's about 2/3 of the way down.
posted by starvingartist at 10:37 AM on October 23, 2002

Yikes.

You could not pay me enough to be a delivery person for this. It's 3 AM, and you're delivering jack-off material to some ragingly horny perv who answers the door in his boxers with a big boner tenting out the front of them.

No thanks.

Though, I do not doubt that once again the porn industry will find a profit where others have failed.
posted by BobFrapples at 10:39 AM on October 23, 2002

Oh, man, I miss Kozmo and UrbanFetch. I finally realized that we had reached a new era of civilization when I discovered that it was possible to have beer, ice cream, and porn delivered to your door at 4 a.m.

I hear, anecdotally and completely unsubstantiated, that those business were profitable within NYC. Can anyone verify that? Why hasn't anyone tried to take their place? I suspected that NYU + Columbia alone could keep those places afloat.
posted by mkultra at 10:47 AM on October 23, 2002

Atom12 - I'm sure you have some great stories from your old job...
posted by fijiwriter at 10:52 AM on October 23, 2002

I prefer the door delivered marijuana myself.
posted by the fire you left me at 11:05 AM on October 23, 2002

I do not doubt that once again the porn industry will find a profit where others have failed.

"Shaving Ryan's Privates"

From VSDA Panel Discussion: DVD and the Filmmaker
with George Romero, Rob Minkoff, John Waters, David Zucker, John Landis, Leonard Maltin, et al:

Maltin: Do you have a favorite DVD that you've seen?

Minkoff: Ummm... a favorite DVD...

Maltin: One you've seen that impressed you...

Minkoff: That's hard for me.

Maltin: I just threw that at you. John? You?

Waters: Well, porno's pretty good on DVD. [more laughs from the audience] You know, Shaving Ryan's Privates is a good one. [another big laugh]

Landis: You know, someone was telling me yesterday that DVD was pioneered by the porn industry. I'm not kidding - someone was giving me this scholarly talk on it...

Maltin: [laughing] Where was this exactly, John?

Landis: In the hall, right outside! [to audience] But is this true? Is the porn industry always first? [the audience applauds in response - it IS actually true, strange as it may be] Wow. I have no point, I just thought it was interesting... [panel cracks up]

Waters: Isn't that what home video was invented for?

Maltin: Well, I think that was part of the whole idea, is that you could watch something privately. That people had to slink down the street in a raincoat before...

Waters: Most people don't have the nerve to masturbate in a movie theater... [big laughter]

Waters has also mentioned Shaving Ryan's in an interview as being more of an influence on him than Saving Private Ryan ever will be...
posted by Shane at 11:06 AM on October 23, 2002

I had an even better idea than this several years ago. The most discrete way to deliver an adult (or any other, for that matter) movie would be inside a pizza box. That's right, Pizza Porn. All you do is call the place up, tell them what kind of pizza you want, and what sort of movie you're looking for. Forty-five minutes later you get your pizza and your porn. You'll never have to leave the house again.

Make sure though that you specifiy pizza or movie when you ask for extra cheeze. . .

If anyone steals my idea I want a cut (or a slice?). :-)
posted by BrandonAbell at 11:12 AM on October 23, 2002

Re: Fiji...

I've got tons. Some things I learned:

1. Never trust a customer in sweatpants
2. You know that dildo the size of a table leg that has to be kickstarted? One night a customer will come up to you and ask you if you've got anything bigger.
3. If you catch someone crusing, there's a 90 percent chance he's married.
4. You would not believe how many guys are into feet.
5. There are some really hot movies out there for couples that aren't misogynistic. Keep the faith.
posted by Atom12 at 11:16 AM on October 23, 2002

starvingartist,

what about "My Pipes Need Cleaning", is it any good?
posted by matteo at 11:16 AM on October 23, 2002

...tell them what kind of pizza you want...

Inevitable codes ensue, such as "extra large sausage," etc.
posted by Shane at 11:25 AM on October 23, 2002

"Rub one out"? Is that what the kids are calling it nowadays?
posted by mcwetboy at 11:41 AM on October 23, 2002

rub one out is used frequently. My crew prefers "snap". as in "snap one out" and "snap and nap".
posted by kookywon at 12:22 PM on October 23, 2002

My crew prefers "snap".

That sounds painful, as if YOU WERE TO TAKE A PENIS AND BREAK IT LIKE A TWIG.

Personally, I prefer using Football terminology, like calling a "5-1-2 formation from the sidelines". As in, 5 fingers, 1 pee pee, and 2 nuts.
posted by Stan Chin at 12:30 PM on October 23, 2002

sounds painful...maybe...but we're eXtreme!
posted by kookywon at 12:49 PM on October 23, 2002

Over. Sharing.
posted by Shane at 1:16 PM on October 23, 2002

sheesh, in my day, we used our imagination

you had an imagination, we had to share one with the neighbors...
posted by jonmc at 1:21 PM on October 23, 2002

who needs that - would be cheaper to just use kazaa and dsl..aahhh...kazaa....
posted by ac at 1:24 PM on October 23, 2002

This topic has made me feel so dirty. Thanks, Atom, for the story snippets and wisdom gleaned from your job.
posted by fijiwriter at 3:07 PM on October 23, 2002

My crew prefers "snap".

Funny, my crew prefers Gin Rummy...
posted by backOfYourMind at 3:40 AM on October 24, 2002