Hollywood is calling

August 1, 2003 6:57 AM

Honey, phone's for you....it's the Barbi Twins! Almost-celebrities will talk to you or a loved one on the phone for $1 a second (30 sec. increments). So, so awesome, I don't know where to start. I'm just glad Epstein from Welcome Back Kotter is available!
posted by stupidsexyFlanders (42 comments total)

I don't know what I find more disturbing - that the celebrities would do this or that people would call them.

But I'm picturing Todd Bridges on the phone, taking abuse from someone who was willing to pay the $60 a minute in order to mock him, and Todd's thinking, "Do I hang up and preserve some shred of self-respect, or do I stay on the line until I have enough money to put some gas in the Pinto?"
posted by orange swan at 7:07 AM on August 1, 2003

$1 a second

Assuming a nine to five, that's 1.4million a year...
posted by twine42 at 7:10 AM on August 1, 2003

If I'm ever rich and stupid I going to get everyone I know to phone the Richard Hatch they have listed and ask about Battlestar Galactica. I encourage the rest of you to join me.
posted by biffa at 7:11 AM on August 1, 2003

Call me silly, but I have a feeling Epstein will ALWAYS be available, day or night...

Anyone else reminded of the Mr. Show skit "Supermodel Calling Service?" Once again, Bob and David see into the world of tomorrow, eight years ago, to today!
posted by tittergrrl at 7:13 AM on August 1, 2003

"Everybody, Everybody, Hey!! Quiet down! We're passing the hat."
"Is the keg empty already?"
"No. In five minutes, the Puerto Rican guy from 'Welcome Back Kotter' is gonna call and sing 'Chantilly Lace.' We've got the phone jacked into the stereo."
posted by planetkyoto at 7:16 AM on August 1, 2003

Unfortunately, most of Epstein's profits go to his constant use of the service to get to talk to Christopher Atkins.

And if anyone cares, I would like Rerun to call me for my birthday. He can say anthing, a drunken stream of obscenities would be fine.
posted by stupidsexyFlanders at 7:20 AM on August 1, 2003

I can't believe that this is real: washed up celebrity phone messages. My favorite part is the faq in which the affordable cost of celebrity calls is explained:

The vast majority of our celebrities are not motivated by financial reasons when it comes to this project. Their extraordinary achievements have made them tremendously popular all across the globe and they believe that our patented new service is a great way for them to stay in touch with their growing fan base. It's also a lot of fun.

EXTRAORDINARY ACHIEVEMENTS!!! GROWING FAN BASE!!!
posted by crazy finger at 7:24 AM on August 1, 2003

Wow. The Cult of Celebrity. I can't think of a "real" celebrity I'd pay $30 to talk to. But John DeLancie is kinda cool. If he were a starving has-been I might donate $5 to his webpage, heh.

You can have the celebrity leave a customized message that you've written for $29.95 or you can choose a standard message for $19.95

Hmm. Does that imply that recording the calls is kosher? 'Cuz, given the right kind of heckling, that could result in something pretty entertaining in a Jerky Boys kind of way.
posted by Shane at 7:26 AM on August 1, 2003

Hey- let's derail and vote for what celebrity we'd most want to talk to. Wackiest celebrity wins!

(David Spade gets my vote)
posted by crazy finger at 7:34 AM on August 1, 2003

I can do a mean Lou Ferrigno impersonation. I think I'll call up Richard Hatch and accost him in my Lou Ferrigno voice.
posted by sharksandwich at 7:37 AM on August 1, 2003

"The vast majority of our celebrities are not motivated by financial reasons".

I'm getting all tied in mental knots trying to pinpoint the lucre-loving minority that's only doing it for the cash. Which one of them does everyone think it is?
posted by Pericles at 7:39 AM on August 1, 2003

crazy finger:
I've got a whole shitload of questions for Mel Gibson...
posted by sharksandwich at 7:40 AM on August 1, 2003

Anthony Hopkins, provided he'd do his Hannibal Lector voice the entire time.
posted by BirdD0g at 7:42 AM on August 1, 2003

I'd like to pay James Earl Jones to call me and say anything. Hell, he could recite his grocery list for me, if he wanted.

And, giving into the Epstein thread, here, I'd like John Travolta to call me, provided he's willing to channel Vinnie B.
posted by thanotopsis at 7:47 AM on August 1, 2003

RERUN!!!
posted by jpoulos at 7:52 AM on August 1, 2003

Prosecutor: "And then what did you do, Mr. Bryant?"
Defendant: "After dinner I went straight up to my room and played cribbage until 3 a.m. with Dr. Kelly Brackett from 'Emergency.' Honest. You can ask him, he's on the phone right now."
posted by planetkyoto at 7:53 AM on August 1, 2003

I guess it's no worse than becoming a spokesperson for Mylanta or something like that.
posted by scarabic at 7:56 AM on August 1, 2003

Hey- let's derail and vote for what celebrity we'd most want to talk to. Wackiest celebrity wins!

Melissa Rivers?
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 7:59 AM on August 1, 2003

What's really sad is that Rerun lists The Carson Daley Show as one of his career highlights.

Wacky Celebrity phone call? A conference call between me, Joey Butefucco, Amy Fischer, Bill Clinton, and The Olson Twins
posted by ElvisJesus at 8:09 AM on August 1, 2003

I'd love to talk to my favorite character actor ever...Tracey Walter.

As far as the phone thing goes, it's kind of sad. Like on "Where Are They Now" when the guy from the one-hit-wonder group talks about his "new album".
posted by JoanArkham at 8:13 AM on August 1, 2003

Hey- let's derail and vote for what celebrity we'd most want to talk to. Wackiest celebrity wins!

Jm J. Bullock
posted by jbelshaw at 8:26 AM on August 1, 2003

Huggy Bear!
posted by Mayor Curley at 8:39 AM on August 1, 2003

Can I put the celebrity on hold while I get the person I bought the call for?

No. The call will automatically end 30 seconds after it begins so we strongly recommend that you leave your machine on, or if you happen to answer the phone, that you simply chat with the celebrity for the allocated time before the call automatically ends.
posted by creamed corn at 8:47 AM on August 1, 2003

"Hey- let's derail and vote for what celebrity we'd most want to talk to. Wackiest celebrity wins!"

Shields and Yarnell.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 8:48 AM on August 1, 2003

OOOH!!! OOOH!!!! Charlie Manson!!!!

"Leave a message at the sound of the beep...BEEEP!"

"Hi, this is Charlie. You're not home right now, little piggy... but I know that. I'm sending some friends to meetcha later. They have a surprise for you. Helter Skelter 2K, baby... ~click~
posted by Perigee at 8:52 AM on August 1, 2003

I'm either dismayed or overjoyed that there are several Babylon 5/Star Trek actors willing to take calls. Sounds like the perfect gift for that special geek in your life.

if they had Michael O'Hare, my husband's birthday would be complete!
posted by Katemonkey at 8:52 AM on August 1, 2003

I am now awaiting a phone call from Lou Ferrigno. A 15 second phone machine message was $19.95.

America, I love you.
posted by sharksandwich at 9:02 AM on August 1, 2003

TOM GREEN MUST DIE.

(not really apropos of anything, but still an unassailable fact)
posted by dhoyt at 9:09 AM on August 1, 2003

it could be worse, Lindsey Wagner could be trying to sell you some sort of adjustable bed...

what's YOUR sleep number?
posted by birdsong at 9:18 AM on August 1, 2003

I'd prefer a phone call from Epstein's mother.
posted by turaho at 11:04 AM on August 1, 2003

Isn't Lou Ferrigno like, mute, or deaf, or something? Might not be the best use of your $20, sharksandwich.

Or it might be hysterical. Either way, post the audio to this thread! Metafilter: You taunt the has-beens, we decide!
posted by stupidsexyFlanders at 11:09 AM on August 1, 2003

And if anyone cares, I would like Rerun to call me for my birthday. He can say anthing, a drunken stream of obscenities would be fine.

As long as he opened with, "hey, HEY, hey" the rest would just be gravy.

I think I'd have to take center square for the win, Charles Nelson Reilly please.
posted by Pollomacho at 11:24 AM on August 1, 2003

stupidsexyFlanders: He is not completely deaf, but has enough of hearing loss to make his speech, errrrr, interesting. Of course this is the exact reason I chose him. I did, however scratch my initial plan of having him identify himself as "Bill Bixby".
posted by sharksandwich at 11:35 AM on August 1, 2003

Lindsay Wagner talking dirty to me.

On second thought, Yahoo Serious explaining his existence.
posted by alumshubby at 11:59 AM on August 1, 2003

poor Lindsay, even with all the make-up, she looks so bad in that commercial. She should have tried to make things work with Steve Austin, though I doubt Oscar would have allowed it...
posted by birdsong at 12:18 PM on August 1, 2003

oh man.. this is 100% comedic gold.

so where's David Caruso?
posted by shadow45 at 4:29 PM on August 1, 2003

Rerun! without a doubt...how many seconds does it take for him to say "hey hey hey" ?

(Dee would be fun too) : >
posted by amberglow at 4:34 PM on August 1, 2003

Rerun didn't say "Hey hey hey." That was Dwayne Wayne. Show some respect.
posted by planetkyoto at 11:26 PM on August 1, 2003

Howie Mandell? K.I.T.T.? Alf?

No, the ultimate of ultimates would be Dweezil Zappa, in character as Ajax, saying "Dod? I was trying to set my clock radio, uh, and I think I accidentally ripped a hole in the space-time continuum!"

(On an unrelated note, a cow-orker today mentioned something involving a guy named A.J. I asked whether said A.J. had a brother named Rick, and if they fought crime. He didn't get the reference. I felt so old. Hold me.)
posted by arto at 3:10 AM on August 2, 2003

I was surprised to see astronaut Richard Searfoss on the list amongst the rest. We graduated from the same high school, and according to my yearbook, he was an outstanding athlete, and received a perfect score on his SAT's. I never knew I was getting such a bargain when he spoke for almost half an hour at my graduation!
posted by Miss Beth at 10:56 AM on August 2, 2003

Rerun didn't say "Hey hey hey." That was Dwayne Wayne. Show some respect.

that was Dwayne Nelson. Dwayne Wayne was the guy in "A Different World"
posted by goddam at 6:37 PM on August 3, 2003

single
posted by donth at 1:24 PM on August 14, 2003