50 Ways

June 3, 2004 11:13 AM

Break up stories.NYC blogger smitten shares her friend's break-up-by-text-message story and invites readers to post their own. Resulting tales of woe (and some that aren't) include: (1) a "Dear John" e-mail; (2) he dedicates Robert Palmer's classic "I didn't mean to turn you on" to you; (3) his mother calls to say happy birthday and btw her son is having an affair; (4) you find out he has a fiance when she calls to ask who you are; (5) you break up right after sex while everyone's still naked. Maybe there should be a Strunk and White "Elements of Style" resource for break up protocol.
posted by onlyconnect (34 comments total)

I liked this site better when it was called bittersweets.org.
posted by jjg at 11:27 AM on June 3, 2004

That is some cold, cold shit in those comments. And here I thought a long-term college breakups was executed in a lame way, but it was nothing compared to 90% of the stuff in those links.
posted by mathowie at 11:35 AM on June 3, 2004

That actually made me feel much better about my long-term college breakups.
posted by DrJohnEvans at 11:39 AM on June 3, 2004

the first time seeing each other on campus after winter break...
Me: Did you have a good break?
Her: There's something I have to tell you.
Me: Um, sure...what is it?
Her: I'm a lesbian.

Dang, it doesn't get simpler than that, does it?
posted by tommasz at 11:39 AM on June 3, 2004

I’ve been broken up with via IM. She lived only two blocks away, so distance wasn’t an excuse. We’d met each other’s parents, our kids played together, we’d been on trips, all that. We’d begun having conversations about some minor relationship difficulties, then the next day she broke up with me on IM. We planned to meet at her house to exchange all the stuff we’d left at each other’s places, and she skipped it, just left a note telling me to leave her key on the table, and take the pile of stuff she’d left for me. Cold, cold.

Here’s another: I dated a woman for a month, and things just didn’t work out. No fights, no anger, nothing like that. I moved on, re-opened my match.com profile. I started exchanging emails and IMs with a great woman. We’d done many of the same things, had been at the same concert, earlier in the summer, even. Geez, we got along so well, it seemed like she knew me. But she kept resisting my invitations to meet, or even speak by telephone. Then I got one last email from her. Yes, I did know her—she was the one I’d just broken up with. She’d created a new match.com profile, took out a new yahoo ID and email account, all that, just to “catch” me dating again. It’s a wonder I didn’t give up on dating altogether after that one.

More MeFi breakup stories...
posted by MrMoonPie at 11:46 AM on June 3, 2004

Home Base - A nice little breakup movie (14Mb Windows Media - NSFW)
posted by sp dinsmoor at 11:54 AM on June 3, 2004

Oh, and woman #1, above, used a picture of us in her (still active) match.com profile -- I'm mostly cropped out, but anyone who knows me knows it's me.
posted by MrMoonPie at 12:01 PM on June 3, 2004

There is really no good way to break up with somebody. People stay in relationships a lot longer than they should because they worry about being the sort of person who will end up a story on message boards like that one. When I was a kid, I thought the song "50 ways to leave your lover" was dastardly, but now I think it's right on the money. I have broken up with girlfriends through email, text messaging, on the phone, and in person. I sometimes have regrets about the way I handled the relationships while they were still going on. But the most important thing about ending it is that you do so. The dumpee is always going to feel shafted, no matter how you do it. Deal with the fact that you have made a decision you know is going to be hurtful to someone, and that you've decided to go ahead and do it anyway. Trying to be nice in every other way is not going to make it easier for them to recover, and subjecting yourself to their reaction until they've had their say doesn't make you a better person.
posted by bingo at 12:44 PM on June 3, 2004

Peversely enough, looking at this link and reviewing the old MeFi thread MrMoonPie has linked to has made me want to start dating again. I last made a date with someone in early March, and he stood me up and never called me again, and it seemed like the last straw in my long and chequered dating past, so I haven't had a date since. But now I realize I should just be brushing off such bad memories. It makes no sense to consign myself to being alone and hurt because some idiots I've known can't act like adults. It's their problem, and I'm not giving them another thought.
posted by orange swan at 12:51 PM on June 3, 2004

Right on, orange swan! I got married a little over a month ago, so I've definitely moved on.
posted by MrMoonPie at 1:09 PM on June 3, 2004

I agree with Bingo. These lists dehumanize dumpers.
posted by inksyndicate at 1:10 PM on June 3, 2004

Actually, they did that themselves.

Yes, you have right to end any relationship you are in. But there's no need to be gratuitously cruel about it. If someone has given you months or years of his or her life, the least you can do is take an hour or so of your time to tell them it isn't working for you anymore, and listen to some of what they have to say. Also make sure you return any physical property or money or keys that belongs rightfully to them, and then your responsibility is at an end.

And Mr Moon Pie, my heartiest congratulations to you and Mrs. Pie.
posted by orange swan at 1:28 PM on June 3, 2004

My own personal story is hellish, but wasn't really anyone's fault. I dumped J. (things had been headed that way for awhile), and all was well until he was in an accident a week later and came out with a major head injury. He lost about a month's worth of memories in the process, including the worst of our relationship and the subsequent breakup. He also had trouble forming new memories for a long time, so I had to break up with him over and over again for the better part of a year, since he could never remember that we weren't together anymore.

-memento meets blind date.
posted by bokononito at 1:44 PM on June 3, 2004

Yikes. The date of that old break-up stories thread is the birthday of my old flame, who screwed up my head (not to mention my perspectives on relationships and reproduction in general) in many, many ways.

Although my username is named for her, so I probably owe her something.
posted by DrJohnEvans at 1:47 PM on June 3, 2004

The worst breakup is the one that happens because love wasn't enough.
posted by linux at 2:16 PM on June 3, 2004

Well said, orange swan. My last one ended with a cursory phone call, and she never wanted to actually explain why she wanted out of the relationship. But of course she got very defensive when I pointed out how she was running away from a problem instead of confronting it. Mutual friends of ours know more about it than I do, and not a one of them has wanted to throw me a bone.
posted by emelenjr at 2:53 PM on June 3, 2004

Those who withhold closure not only don't love but never did.
posted by rushmc at 3:00 PM on June 3, 2004

The worst breakup is the one that happens because love wasn't enough.

Agreed. Some jerk text messaging after a few months is just a jerk (good riddance, bad trash, etc.). Two people who genuinely love each other and still can't find a way to go forward together counts among the worst heartbreaks of all.
posted by scody at 3:26 PM on June 3, 2004

There is no closure. Life is complicated. And be honest: most people who say they're angry at the way they got dumped are really just angry that they got dumped at all. Focusing on the way it was done gives you something more tangible to be mad about.
posted by bingo at 3:32 PM on June 3, 2004

I have been dating my first cousin but we just broke up becuase my sister got jealous.
posted by Postroad at 3:33 PM on June 3, 2004

I feel for you postroad. hang in there.
posted by chunking express at 3:47 PM on June 3, 2004

I once broke up with a guy via a letter. Because he wouldn't return my phone calls or emails. (He was stationed in Okinawa so it wasn't like I could go to his house.) I haven't heard from him since--I feel crappy about it, but it was his choice to drop off the face of the earth. Otherwise I would have at least done it on the phone.

And can I just say that I think it's wonderful that the user who posted this has the handle of "onlyconnect"? It's a lovely piece of sychronicity.
posted by eilatan at 4:11 PM on June 3, 2004

Ugh. No matter how you justify it, breaking up by IM is declassé.
posted by CunningLinguist at 4:13 PM on June 3, 2004

Yeah, but it has a kind of beautiful efficiency to it.
posted by bingo at 5:07 PM on June 3, 2004

My boyfriend of five and a half years broke up with me by EMAIL. We broke up at the end of April and by the end of June he was engaged to someone else. (This was a couple years ago)

You'd think I'd have felt worse about that but really I didn't.
posted by SisterHavana at 5:57 PM on June 3, 2004

I did that once, CunningLinguist, but it was sort of by accident: she asked me, point blank, if I was planning to break up with her. I had intended to tell her in person later that day, and I couldn't very well dodge the question without making the answer obvious, so I just told her the truth...
posted by Mars Saxman at 8:54 PM on June 3, 2004

It's been months, but bitterness has no expiration date.
It's a real good thing I don't drink. I'm probably going to end up mumbling on street corners anyway.

Wow.
posted by namespan at 9:04 PM on June 3, 2004

So, collecting methods, I think I've sussed the order of things:

1. in person
2. over the phone (less desirable, but sometimes unavoidable)
3. in a letter (one-way, but hopefully meaningful)
4. via IM (two-way, but cheap and classless)
5. with a voice mail (crappy, but voice is better than text)
6. in an email (just crappy)
7. via text message (even crappier)
8. with a sticky note (unbelievably crappy)
9. via IRC (two-way, but classless and IN PUBLIC)
10. having your mother do it (no comment)
11. cutting off communication altogether (the height of cowardice)

I may have missed some, and the order is up for debate; IMHO, the "good" methods stop at number 2.
posted by o2b at 9:20 PM on June 3, 2004

By fax. It's been done.
posted by muckster at 10:25 PM on June 3, 2004

I think I would not mind being dumped by email, provided there was was a chance to have some exchanges, since email is actually my favourite medium. I don't think on my feet well, and like the time to consider and edit. Just make sure not to use my work address, please!

I did dump someone by email once, and he freaked. I was cruel, I was horrible, etc. I honestly hadn't realized this would be a problem. So we went out to lunch the same day and talked it over.... with the end result that we were back together by the end of the day.

Then six months later, he dumps me by standing me up and cutting off all communication - no response to emails or telephone messages. Lovely double standard there.
posted by orange swan at 8:02 AM on June 4, 2004

A friend of mine once got dumped through a VAX SEND utility message.


When geek love goes wrong...
posted by nickmark at 9:51 AM on June 4, 2004

Of course, to some extent, Bingo's right--breakups nearly always suck, no matter the medium. I broke up with the to-be psycho-stalker chick referenced in my previous post in person, gently, sweetly. In another instance, I'd been dating a woman for two months, about half of which we'd been discussing breaking up. When I finally did, again, nicely, in person, she basically locked me in her house and refused to let me leave until she finished yelling (no, actually, more like screaming) at me.

Maybe the only advantage to breaking up in person, trying to be nice, is the feeling of smugness that you did the right thing?
posted by MrMoonPie at 12:30 PM on June 4, 2004

Wow, I totally disagree. When someone you loved breaks up with you in a careless way, it really sucks because it shows that the person you loved was an ass, and how could you have stooped to loving an ass? When did you turn into so-desperate-for-love-that-you-will-love-an-ass person? Somehow you missed all of those clues.

Best breakup experience I ever had as the breakupee: he broke up with me in the middle of the street and then we went to a coffee shop and talked for an hour. I asked him questions about men and relationships, and he asked me questions about girls. It was not a terrible conversation with tears and drama -- we both cracked jokes. Then I went home and cried for a week, because he was a great guy and we just didn't work together. Having a good breakup didn't make it NOT hurt. But I didn't have to go home and question my taste in men, and ask myself how I could have gotten involved with a jerk. That's a nice gift to the breakupee -- not having to worry about their judgment based on one terrible act.

That being said, I demanded that my last breakup be done over the phone rather than in person. And I've been on both the giving and receiving end of badly done breakups. I don't actually think there are strict rules for these things; just try to be respectful and caring about what the other person wants, and if you don't it all comes back eventually through karma.

And orange swan -- you GO, girl!
posted by onlyconnect at 2:48 PM on June 4, 2004

In high school, I was dumped by e-mail through a mutual friend.

I'm still friends with the girl, too.
posted by synecdoche at 12:14 PM on June 5, 2004