Watch out for Milk 'n Cookies too...

June 23, 2004 8:17 PM

Federal marshmallow-mixup bust...."a teacher's aide who forgot to put away her marshmallows and hot chocolate at Yellowstone National Park last year was taken from her cruise ship cabin in handcuffs...."
posted by troutfishing (29 comments total)

In the hands of a terrorist, a flaming marshmallow can be a terrible weapon
posted by troutfishing at 8:24 PM on June 23, 2004

And people say America isn't any safer.
posted by birdherder at 8:24 PM on June 23, 2004

Heres an american idea: Get some money out of this.
posted by Keyser Soze at 8:30 PM on June 23, 2004

Keyser - So, you think that Nicole Kidmann should play the teacher's aide ?

And the marshmallows - should they be animated characters ? - Or just inert puffs of crap ?
posted by troutfishing at 8:44 PM on June 23, 2004

Metafilter: now with brown marshmallows.
posted by rajbot at 8:52 PM on June 23, 2004

Jesus, people, you don't understand. A woman who would be so bold, so brazen as to flout The Rules About Food at Yellowstone National Park, a place so thoroughly American that even French people become tolerable through the simple act of just gazing at its majestic splendor...well, a woman like that clearly is capable of almost anything, and most certainly is in need of, at the very least, some...shall we say...geometry lessons, courtesy of our finest nude pyramid-building detail over in Camp Abu Grape.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 9:39 PM on June 23, 2004

Though the mixup is, well, fucked, I can't believe that the implication is that if she didn't pay her fine, leg shackles and detainment for 9 hours is somehow justifiable over $50.
posted by dobbs at 9:50 PM on June 23, 2004

It wasn't over the $50, it was essentially a failure to appear, since they didn't think she paid the fine. A friend of mine just spent the night in jail for an unpaid expired auto safety inspection ticket. This kind of thing happens every day, most especially if you're poor and a minority and live in a bad part of town. And I don't mean actual non-appearances. I mean warrants issued that shouldn't have been.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 9:59 PM on June 23, 2004

Please don't tell me someone just worked Abu Garab into the equation within 5 posts...

Jeebus H. Christ on a pogo stick.
posted by uncanny hengeman at 10:36 PM on June 23, 2004

Ethereal Bligh is right.

This stuff happens all the time.

Soooo, who cares?

Oh yeah. Marshmallows.
posted by cohappy at 10:37 PM on June 23, 2004

And the marshmallows - should they be animated characters ? - Or just inert puffs of crap ?

Sounds like a perfect role for Jim Carrey's head - I'm envisioning a hilarious scene where the marshmallows are about to be eaten by some wildlife, resulting in a twenty-minute scene of shapeless facial contortions.

Gene Hackman plays the Director of Homeland Security, and Ben Affleck is a simple Park Ranger, racing against time to simultaneously prevent the wildlife from getting mild food poisoning from the marshmallows and save, then copulate with, Nicole Kidman. Blockbuster gold!
posted by Krrrlson at 10:41 PM on June 23, 2004

It is SO important to create the appearance of being tough on crime, lest the peepul think they can get away with anything.

So, when is Ken Lay going to get the shackles?
posted by Goofyy at 12:43 AM on June 24, 2004

Hope Clarke, 32, crying and in leg shackles

- Crying was she the fucking terrorist, it is stories of this kind of stellar over-reaction that prevent me from working in the U.S, although I do like to visit.
posted by johnnyboy at 3:54 AM on June 24, 2004

How come there's never any accurate information in them databases?
posted by dabitch at 4:39 AM on June 24, 2004

And the marshmallows - should they be animated characters ? - Or just inert puffs of crap ?


posted by XQUZYPHYR at 4:46 AM on June 24, 2004

xquzyphyr, that's great. Nice allusion. "Everybody dance!"
posted by notsnot at 5:11 AM on June 24, 2004

Does the US have the "3 strikes and you're out" laws where you go to jail for a 3rd offence? Can you imagine doing time for marshmallow crime? [hey, that rhymes!] Seriously, imagine if the Taliban had arrested an American for marshmallow crime; imagine the international outrage that would ensue.

When marshmallows and hot chocolate are outlawed, only outlaws will enjoy marshmallows and hot chocolate.
posted by Meridian at 6:16 AM on June 24, 2004

Well, don't any of you see her mistake?

No? She left the country and then re-entered. She had the audacity of trying to escape detection. She thought she could flout the law. But luckily Homeland Security was on the job!

So the problem here is the accuracy of the records of Immigration and Naturalization, and all of those other fine folks who work the borders. Nice.

Mistakes were made.

We. Are. Fucked.
posted by mooncrow at 7:03 AM on June 24, 2004

Leg shackles should be for violent offenders, not litterers.
posted by Ynoxas at 7:17 AM on June 24, 2004

The only solution is to destroy Yellowstone and start over.
posted by bargle at 7:35 AM on June 24, 2004

If Donald Rumsfeld can sit in a small room for nine hours, why can't she?
posted by PrinceValium at 7:51 AM on June 24, 2004

Does the US have the "3 strikes and you're out" laws

They apply only to felony offences. This would be a misdemeanor.
posted by cmdnc0 at 8:55 AM on June 24, 2004

"Please don't tell me someone just worked Abu Garab into the equation within 5 posts..."

No one did, unless by "within 5" you actually meant six.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 9:11 AM on June 24, 2004

I think they should have killed her. Just to make a point. We do NOT mess around.

All told, more than 3,000 suspected marshmallow litterbugs have been arrested in many countries. Many others have met a different fate. Let's put it this way -- they are no longer a problem to the United States and our friends and allies. (Applause.)
posted by Outlawyr at 9:48 AM on June 24, 2004

Sounds like a perfect role for Jim Carrey's head - I'm envisioning a hilarious scene where the marshmallows are about to be eaten by some wildlife, resulting in a twenty-minute scene of shapeless facial contortions.

Gene Hackman plays the Director of Homeland Security, and Ben Affleck is a simple Park Ranger, racing against time to simultaneously prevent the wildlife from getting mild food poisoning from the marshmallows and save, then copulate with, Nicole Kidman. Blockbuster gold!

Classic!
posted by widdershins at 9:56 AM on June 24, 2004

Am I the only one to click on the link to find out how a cruise ship managed to make it all the way to Yellowstone?

Yes, I'm having a bad mental day.
posted by GhostintheMachine at 11:38 AM on June 24, 2004

widdershins - I'll second that.

Classic!
posted by troutfishing at 12:37 PM on June 24, 2004

I find this news item kind of sickening, because it's such a good example of how journalists fall over themselves to waste media bandwidth on a meaningless event, as long as it's got a wacky, entertaining hook, like "mashmallow villain foiled."

Film at 11.
posted by scarabic at 12:40 PM on June 24, 2004

Sourpuss.

Have a marshmallow - they're sweet, puffy, and mostly air.
posted by troutfishing at 10:00 PM on June 25, 2004