Advice For Children

July 17, 2004 2:04 PM

Patrick Hughes has more excellent advice for children, but people of all ages will probably find it useful. Heed what he says about Skinhead Katrina. He knows of what he speaks.
posted by keswick (23 comments total)

Read in the voice of Barry White:
Now that you’ve got yourself a handful of that lotion, take some time with the whole thing. Pour yourself a glass of wine. Light a candle. Pace yourself — the Internet isn't going anywhere.
posted by TungstenChef at 2:46 PM on July 17, 2004

Contrary to popular belief, you don't become a geek because you're smarter than everyone else. You become a geek because your social skills are retarded. While you're off administering a Linux system, the rest of us are kissing girls. So the tech support guys can be as snide as they want. The minute the clock strikes 5, we win

posted by dg at 3:52 PM on July 17, 2004

Good stuff! Thanks, keswick!

"Burt Reynolds? Nope. Tom Selleck? Uh uh. Try Chile D. Molester. Shave that fucking mustache."
"The cops never think it’s as funny as you do."
"Now that you’ve climbed up there, it’s a lot higher than it looks, isn’t it? Dumbass."
"The Renaissance Faire may not be the source of all your problems, but it sure as shit isn’t helping any."
"Dungeons and Dragons never goes away. Girls will still sense that shit 20 years later."
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 4:00 PM on July 17, 2004

Some of these had me dying:

-Yeah, I know Sid Vicious wore a lock on a chain around his neck just like that. But the first time you try and pogo with that thing on it’s gonna chip a tooth, Road Warrior.

-Beat off enough and eventually someone will walk in on you while you’re doing it. When this happens, pause, look them directly in the eye and say, “You done ruined the romance, so go ahead and say whatever it is you want to say.” If they don’t immediately apologize and leave, run over there and put your hands on their face.

-If someone passes out on the couch and you want to put them in a figure-four leglock, ensure that the hold is correctly applied before they wake and fuck your goddamn knee all up.


Thanks, Keswick!
posted by dhoyt at 4:28 PM on July 17, 2004

Beat off enough and eventually someone will walk in on you while you’re doing it. When this happens, pause, look them directly in the eye and say, “You done ruined the romance, so go ahead and say whatever it is you want to say.” If they don’t immediately apologize and leave, run over there and put your hands on their face.

ha ha ha ha ha!!
posted by protocool at 5:01 PM on July 17, 2004

Oh, duh. What dhoyt already said....
posted by protocool at 5:05 PM on July 17, 2004

Bad News Hughes is funnier than hell. Also more fun than a bag of hammers are Fafblog and Izzle Pfaff, the latter written by our very own Skot. Comedy Molybdenum, both of them, perhaps because they both share the syllable /faf/.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 5:34 PM on July 17, 2004

"Now that you’ve climbed up there, it’s a lot higher than it looks, isn’t it? Dumbass."

Oh.... if only I'd read this a few years ago!
posted by scarabic at 5:35 PM on July 17, 2004

And then there's the entry at the bottom of the page, about getting a three-foot QTip stuck up his pizzler to swab for an infection.


Shudder.
posted by five fresh fish at 7:15 PM on July 17, 2004

previous thread on patrick's previous advice.

I don't care if it's Burger King or Ritzy McShittington's — if you’re a dick to the help, you’re going to be eating a loogie.

I'd like to think that I'm nice to servers because it's the right thing to do, but I know that fear of loogies (or worse) has been a subconscious motivator since hearing a few stories in my teens ...
posted by whatnot at 8:02 PM on July 17, 2004

Look here, Spooky. You're not really a vampire.

Really tough guys do not have orange-y tanning-booth tans and six-pack ab muscles. They look like Harley Race.

Tofu is OK. Just don't make it a cause.

Neither your IPod nor your cell phone is impressing anyone. Well, anyone that counts.

Last, but certainly not least: You should listen to Thin Lizzy at least once a week.

I knew I had a long lost brother somewhere.
posted by jonmc at 8:10 PM on July 17, 2004

Spectacularly good, all the more so when compared to other similar lists I've seen online that weren't amusing at all. Quality material, and helpful, to boot!
posted by jonson at 8:16 PM on July 17, 2004

that bbq in the post below the linked post was totally next door to my old house and the house that my old roommates still live in that i was visiting last week. small interweb. im just saying. ps. the bbq stunk.
posted by c at 8:28 PM on July 17, 2004

"Try to not believe in things. Most people frankly aren't qualified to have a belief, and when they go ahead and do it anyway it almost always makes the world a shittier place."

Agnosticism in a nutshell.
posted by spazzm at 9:26 PM on July 17, 2004

WEAR SUNSCREEN.
posted by wackybrit at 11:29 PM on July 17, 2004

Everyone is so busy linking quotes. Why not let the unbiased reader take a look for themself?
posted by Keyser Soze at 3:38 AM on July 18, 2004

keyser: you should have already read the it.
posted by Space Coyote at 4:14 AM on July 18, 2004

Actually, though, socks should match your shoes, not your pants.
posted by bingo at 6:26 AM on July 18, 2004

Dolphins are all smiley and frolick-y and shit on TV, where they solve problems, rescue kittens and do flips. In the wild, they're as big as Volkswagens and twice as fast. Not to mention totally evil and smart enough to really fuck with you.

So true. So true.
posted by piskycritter at 6:28 AM on July 18, 2004

"Really tough guys don't have huge arms and six pack abs. Really tough guys look like Harley Race" - When I was going to the gym every day, about two years ago, I discovered the interesting fact that while the beefiest guys at the gym might have had upper arms about 2-1/2 times the circumference of mine, with huge biceps......

None them greater torso strength than I did - back strength, torsional strength, ab strength....on some torso-strength machines I'd do weights twice as heavy as the beefy-arm boys. Their "strength" was in their arms, while mine was in my legs, butt, and torso.

Since they weren't connected to a solid base, I concluded that those big arms were strictly for sexual display purposes, like peacocks' tails.

Beefy-armed men with weak torsos almost inevitably mess up their backs and wind up on couches - watching sports, drinking beer, and turning to flab.

Sometimes - often even - they manage to succesfully mate and produce offspring before that happens.

Meanwhile, the deterioration continues - as they have heart attacks, get triple bypasses, and spend the remainder of their days taking Statins, drinking Miller Lite, barbecuing, and riding around on lawn tractors obessively mowing their lawns.

This describes the life arc of a number of men on my street.
posted by troutfishing at 7:06 AM on July 18, 2004

What's a "Minnesota wristwatch"?
posted by mkultra at 8:54 AM on July 18, 2004

mkultra: look up "Mexican wristwatch" on urbandictionary.com (nsfw???, no pictures). I'm pretty sure it's the same thing.
posted by gokart4xmas at 9:33 AM on July 18, 2004

Here, let me show you...


read the comments for more information
posted by five fresh fish at 9:37 AM on July 18, 2004