Join 3,437 readers in helping fund MetaFilter (Hide)


"Hungry? Stay right here. I'll go make you a burrito."
March 18, 2005 2:11 PM   Subscribe

The 30 least hot things you can say to a naked woman. Based on The 30 hottest things you can say to a naked woman. via the always hilarious defective yeti.
posted by graventy (79 comments total)

 
What a great case for fair use rights; much, much more useful than the original. Heh.
posted by davejay at 2:24 PM on March 18, 2005


I clicked on the "30 Hottest Things" full of bile and scorn and ready to pour mockery over the entire list, and found myself agreeing completely with 29 out of 30 of them. (In fact, some of them would make me utterly melt.) And now I'm off the check out the "30 Least Hot Things"!

Most useless comment ever, this one, I think. Oh well.
posted by jokeefe at 2:25 PM on March 18, 2005


*wipes tears of laughter away

Thanks graventy, this is very funny.

*goes off to check out rest of defective yeti
posted by schyler523 at 2:28 PM on March 18, 2005


Shit, I should have read the Least Hot List first. Now I'm in hysterics, and have lost any will for romance... probably forever.
posted by jokeefe at 2:28 PM on March 18, 2005


It's not on either list, but i find a pretty solid mood killer is "Wow, you're almost as hot as the chick I banged last night!"
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 2:29 PM on March 18, 2005


The 30 hottest things to say to a naked guy are, well, not really printable.

Well, they are but somewhat outside the social norms of metafilter. Also I'm lazy.
posted by delmoi at 2:30 PM on March 18, 2005


Note: This statement cannot be made any less hot.
posted by Eamon at 2:31 PM on March 18, 2005


I thought the best advice was "[fill in body part]", even if it wasn't meant that way. Let's face it, anyone who reads that original list hoping to learn from it is likely to need the basics as well.
posted by George_Spiggott at 2:32 PM on March 18, 2005


My downstairs neighbors are by now used to hearing me cackle to myself while alone in the apartment, but they're probably scared now.
posted by ori at 2:33 PM on March 18, 2005


Thanks, everyone!
posted by Shadowkeeper at 2:35 PM on March 18, 2005


The actual list was much funnier. "Hold on, I'll go make you a burrito." Wha?

Delmoi, I thought most of those amount to things like "mmmmph!"
posted by kavasa at 2:35 PM on March 18, 2005


It's not on either list, but i find a pretty solid mood killer is "Wow, you're almost as hot as the chick I banged last night!"

...she's in this sack.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 2:36 PM on March 18, 2005


Any use of the word "hot." Especially: "You're so hot or "Ever since we ate that dim sum I haven't felt so hot."
posted by Specklet at 2:39 PM on March 18, 2005


MetaFilter: This statement cannot be made any less hot.
posted by The Bellman at 2:43 PM on March 18, 2005


"Do you take Discovery?"
posted by Pretty_Generic at 2:47 PM on March 18, 2005


Is Have you gained weight? on the list? Because it should be.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 2:49 PM on March 18, 2005


The 30 hottest things to say to a naked guy are, well, not really printable.

Is it in?
posted by nonmyopicdave at 2:52 PM on March 18, 2005


Yes EB, as should "Right then, I'm going to go masturbate over the pile of dead Jews I keep hermetically sealed in my garage, weeping on their pustulating cadavers until I bleed".
posted by Pretty_Generic at 2:52 PM on March 18, 2005


Her name -- her full name -- followed by a "Wow"? Followed by "Well? Are you listening? Do you want to play World of Warcraft or not?"

Check.

Words that end in "uck." Yes, even "duck," when appropriate. Or "Schmuck."

Oh now come ON, this excludes every single unclenched female. Bah! Check.

While looking out the window at people not currently in bed with her: "Suckers." While looking at the people currently in bed with her: "lucky bastards."

Only with an ex, but yeah, check.

Playful laughter that escalates into maniacal laughter that transitions into coughing that degenerates into sobbing.

Check.

3-4 others, but those were more variations on a theme.
posted by Ryvar at 2:53 PM on March 18, 2005


Top ten hottest things for conservatives to say to naked each other:

1. Oh yeah, right in the heartland!
2. I've opened the reserves for drilling...
3. Squeeze my hand when you feel the Rapture.
4. No.
5. I'm so heterosexual right now.
6. Can I wear the hood this time?
7. Let's do it abomination style.
8. Mission accomplished!
9. Let the eagle soar. Cmon, cmon, let it soar, cmon......damn, I lost it.
10. Sorry.
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 3:04 PM on March 18, 2005


Damn... that was funny!
posted by gigglesticks at 3:07 PM on March 18, 2005


Was the original list supposed to be serious? "You're so hot"? Is the writer fifteen?
posted by schroedinger at 3:15 PM on March 18, 2005


I like "don't ever leave me". It appeals to the stalker in me. I like to randomly call my girlfriend at work and just adamantly say "don't ever leave me" and then hang up. I know she finds it romantic. It also appeals to the infant in me too, as in "don't ever leave me mommy".
posted by disgruntled at 3:15 PM on March 18, 2005


funny.
posted by jcruelty at 3:24 PM on March 18, 2005


The least hot thing I ever had said to me was "I will only sleep with you if promise to have an abortion in the event that you get pregnant with my kid."

Real mood-killer, that one.
posted by orange swan at 3:28 PM on March 18, 2005


A lot of the ones on the "not hot" list were funny, and I would be quite happy to have them said to me as funny=hot in my book/bed.
posted by orange swan at 3:29 PM on March 18, 2005


Sigh. Ever post a Mefi comment you wish you could magically undo? You too, huh?
posted by jokeefe at 3:29 PM on March 18, 2005


"Right then, I'm going to go masturbate over the pile of dead Jews I keep hermetically sealed in my garage, weeping on their pustulating cadavers until I bleed".

ummm... what?
posted by chatterbox at 3:33 PM on March 18, 2005


Ick. Ick ick ick ick ick ick ick. I don't think that there was anything on the real list that would not earn a long look of derision. And then I would leave. Canned comments are really, really gross. Gah. I feel skeeved just thinking about it.

Do you feel this too?
posted by LittleMissCranky at 3:34 PM on March 18, 2005


The Men's Health forum entries (for the least sexy thing to say) were a lot better than the ones in the Defective Yeti piece... my favorite (in the former) was "Your sister was way better."
posted by clevershark at 3:34 PM on March 18, 2005


orange swan, ouch.

"Geez, I saw one of your neighbours as I was leaving the other night-- God, was she gorgeous! I just wanted to, like, *makes devouring/slurping noise*"

"Uh, she's 15."

"Yeah, but look at her!"

Sometimes your ex-boyfriends from the very distant past really shouldn't destroy your memories of them by reappearing in your life, you know?
posted by jokeefe at 3:37 PM on March 18, 2005


You people have the most hilarious comments about this thread.

The best thing ever said to me after: "I love watching your ass when you walk." as I was headed to the powder room.

The worst thing ever said: "I'll be right back." He wasn't.
posted by laurenbove at 3:44 PM on March 18, 2005


"Let's play hooky today. You won't get in trouble -- I am your principal, after all"

hadn't laughed out loud reading MeFi in a long time.
posted by signal at 3:44 PM on March 18, 2005


The actual list was much funnier. "Hold on, I'll go make you a burrito." Wha?

I think they meant falafel.
posted by kirkaracha at 3:47 PM on March 18, 2005


The least hot thing I ever had said to me was "I will only sleep with you if promise to have an abortion in the event that you get pregnant with my kid."

Real mood-killer, that one.


Yeah, but oh so necessary. That's at least the next 5 or so years of a guy's life we're talking about here...what are you gonna do?
posted by hellbient at 3:53 PM on March 18, 2005


Maybe I'm in the wrong mood to read the list of 30 least hot things to say but I didn't find a damned one of them to be even remotely funny.
posted by fenriq at 4:03 PM on March 18, 2005


The worst thing ever said: "I'll be right back." He wasn't.

Damn that Rabbit Angstrom.
posted by Ptrin at 4:07 PM on March 18, 2005


The burrito line really gets to me. I mean, I like burritos, and I want my future lover(s) to like burritos...but naked?!
posted by graventy at 4:15 PM on March 18, 2005


Anyone but me find it odd that "I love you" didn't make the list? I know it's old fashion, but think about it. The word "love" only shows up once with "I love how you taste." Sure, the word gets thrown around like a Raggedy Ann doll in the backroom of a comic convention, but is it completely used up? Also I'd of thought something about smell would have popped up.

"You smell sweet as fresh cut grass on a hot summer day in that empty lot where everyone walks their dogs."
posted by Neosamurai85 at 4:20 PM on March 18, 2005


hahahahahahahaha.

good post.

"I'll go make you a burrito."
posted by blacklite at 4:44 PM on March 18, 2005


Sometimes you need a little sugar in your bowl...
Sometimes you need a hotdog on your roll...

And sometimes you just need a little Sriracha in your burrito!
posted by Neosamurai85 at 5:21 PM on March 18, 2005


Okay. BlackLeotardFront made me snicker. Figured I'd take a shot...

Top ten hottest things for Libruls to say to each other when naked:

1. Well, I am a Vegan, but for you... okay.
2. Who's ready for another slice of pie-wagon?
3. I adore the faint rustling our hairy legs make as they rub against each other.
4. Nothing to protest about there!
5. Four more years, four more years!
6. Don't blame me, I voted for Nader.
7. Obama mamma jamma! Woot!
8. I wanna see that Jackie-O face.
9. I feel your pain.

and...

10. Wow! A bush I don't hate!
posted by FYKshun at 5:26 PM on March 18, 2005


FYKshun those are delightful. I'm glad somebody read my list! Jesus christ, I was going crazy! Not even an "lolz." We should be syndicated.
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 5:40 PM on March 18, 2005


We're usually too proud to give praise to each other.
posted by Pretty_Generic at 5:48 PM on March 18, 2005


BlackLeotardFront, I was concerned they'd suggest something a little more painful than syndication.
posted by FYKshun at 5:56 PM on March 18, 2005


praise is so passe.
posted by cmyr at 6:45 PM on March 18, 2005


Hahaha, that was awesome. The Warcraft one was funny as hell.

^ WoW nerd.
posted by Democritus at 6:46 PM on March 18, 2005


And to round it out, the one Dave Letterman Top Ten List that made me completely lose it.

From Sep. 20, 2001: Top ten baseball phrases that sound like euphemisms for sex.

10. Working the rosin bag.
9. Comebacker.
8. Charging the mound.
7. Riding the pine.
6. Jerking one into the seats.
5. Coming from behind.
4. Doubleheader.
3. Going deep in the hole.
2. The big unit.
1. Visiting Busch Stadium.
posted by eriko at 6:46 PM on March 18, 2005


Dudes, when your with a naked woman, my best advice is to SHUT THE FUCK UP. If she's naked with you, you've already succeeded. Just follow her lead from there on out.

I know next o nothing about women, but even I've learned that much.
posted by jonmc at 7:09 PM on March 18, 2005


"I love how this burrito tastes... what? Oh yeah. Get your own".
posted by palinode at 8:04 PM on March 18, 2005


You can pretty much tell how every date is going by the quality of the burrito that your date makes for you. Microwave? You ain't getting any tonight.
posted by Arch Stanton at 8:15 PM on March 18, 2005


I like the idea of a Burrito Index for dating. Mostly because no matter how badly the date went, you'd at least get a burrito out of it.
posted by palinode at 8:35 PM on March 18, 2005


"I love how you taste your soup before adding salt to it. You know, that's the way Thomas Edison used to interview candidates. True fact. He'd take them out for lunch and if they seasoned their soup before trying it he wouldn't hire them, because that showed that they were impulsive and didn't -- holy shit, are you okay?! Jesus, you spilled it all over yourself! That's gotta hurt. What the fuck were you doing eating soup while naked in the first place?"

Actually, that sounds like a guy I'd want to date.
posted by Miko at 9:02 PM on March 18, 2005


"Hold on, I'll go make you a burrito." Then pull out magic wand (no, not that one, I mean the one from that childhood magic set you've kept all these years), wave it over her/him and say "Abracadabra, you're a burrito!"

I knew that I could make that one less hot...

And kudos to both the Conservative and Liberal lists. Which, of course, gives me license to write...

"The 10 hottest things you can say to a naked MeFite"
10. Nice glasses.
9. Hungry? I'll make pancakes.
8. It vibrates?
7. I, for one, welcome our new naked overlords.
6. That's why they call you wonderchicken...
5. NSFW
4. Please hope me!
3. AskMe anything.
2. More inside.
1. Best. MeetUp. Ever.

and " The 10 least hot things you can say to a naked MeFite"
10. jrun error
9. Double post? No way.
8. Can I pour some cold refreshing Pepsi Blue all over you?
7. WTF, Matt?
6. *the complete text of any Ethereal Bligh comment longer than three paragraphs*
5. How would you dispose of the body without getting caught?
4. It looked better on preview.
3. We have cameras.
2. I want a pony.
1. This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by wendell at 9:15 PM on March 18, 2005


Wendell, Number 11 must have been:

"I searched it first, I swear."
posted by Miko at 9:23 PM on March 18, 2005


Number 12: "."

Number 13: [!] noise

Number 14: "Meta'd."

...and thanks, wendell, for positing that a MeFite can be wearing glasses and still be naked.
posted by melissa may at 9:49 PM on March 18, 2005


BlackLeotardFront's list beats all.
posted by 27 at 10:05 PM on March 18, 2005


[this is so fucking good I can't believe it]
posted by scarabic at 10:11 PM on March 18, 2005


melissa, without our glasses, most of us wouldn't know the other was naked...

There are so many other MeFi-isms that may or may not be hot...

FPP
We're all in this together.
flag this
get the banhammer!!
bugs
via Boing Boing
"Connection timeout members" (now that's cold!)

Until now, I never thought that MetaFilter could have too many inside jokes. Now I'm not sure.
posted by wendell at 10:22 PM on March 18, 2005


*applauds wendell*

"Let's take it to MeTa."
"Quonsar!"
posted by jokeefe at 11:26 PM on March 18, 2005


"6. *the complete text of any Ethereal Bligh comment longer than three paragraphs*"

Hmm. That explains a lot.
posted by Ethereal Bligh at 12:23 AM on March 19, 2005


another for the least hot MeFite list:

Naked person: Wow, I'm soo relaxed. It's so rare these days that I can just lie down and do absolutely nothing. How do you rela-
Mefite: ChaatFiilter!
posted by hellbient at 1:01 AM on March 19, 2005


Hottest thing you can say to a naked mathowie:

Nothing. Total, deliberate silence.

His name--his full name--followed by a "Wow, that's hard to pronounce."

"Hungry? Stay right here. I'll go make you some pancakes. Not really! FAAAAKE!"

While looking at moonlight reflecting on the ceiling: "is this really the best of the web?"

And finally... The total hottest thing you can say to a naked mathowie:

"You sleep; I'll go check on the baby."
posted by taz at 2:21 AM on March 19, 2005


Least hottest thing you can say to a naked woman:
"You know, you really do look just like your father."
posted by jessicool at 2:55 AM on March 19, 2005


With so many potential pitfalls that one must avoid, it's no wonder that I, like the majority of sane men, choose to just roll over and go to sleep.
posted by DaShiv at 3:48 AM on March 19, 2005


"Your breasts are the plastic.com it's OK to like."
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 5:52 AM on March 19, 2005


With so many potential pitfalls that one must avoid, it's no wonder that I, like the majority of sane men, choose to just roll over and go to sleep.

Amen. There is sex time, there is sleep time, and there is talking time. The last one should not be between the other two.
posted by LittleMissCranky at 6:58 AM on March 19, 2005


wendell, you forgot "there's a fish in my pants"
posted by anastasiav at 7:33 AM on March 19, 2005


Don't forget: "Best of the Web indeed!"
posted by PlusDistance at 7:52 AM on March 19, 2005


"That's against.... the guidelines."

"There are NO guidelines in the green."
posted by Arch Stanton at 7:55 AM on March 19, 2005


"Your breasts are the plastic.com it's OK to like."

Beautiful.
posted by kenko at 8:07 AM on March 19, 2005


omg, this thread is fun...I laughed, I cried. BlackLeotardFront, FYKshun - - kudos, hilarious. Wendell, you have outdone yourself - superb! ...and great followup by the ever-witty taz.

...a few more for the mefi not hot list:
First post, be gentle
I'd hit it!
gently and slowly fuck the fuck off.
WARNING: HORSE COCK

...and to add to the mefi hotlist
Best.Pony.Ever.
fodinha bom dia or fodinha xi-xi
WARNING: HORSE COCK

...and I can't resist posting this list:
you put the "cute" back in persecution!
posted by madamjujujive at 8:15 AM on March 19, 2005


"Is it ok if I dig around in there to try to find the condom?"
posted by drezdn at 8:25 AM on March 19, 2005


and now for something semi-different...

"The Hottest Things to Say to a Naked Monty Python Fan..."
I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition.
Is not.
You're a lumberjack and you're OK.
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries.
Nudge, nudge, wink wink.
*don't say a word, just slap him/her with a fish*
Spam spam spam spam...
It's a dead parrot!
posted by wendell at 10:27 AM on March 19, 2005


and further to wendell's list:

"Where'd you get the coconuts?"
posted by orange swan at 12:46 PM on March 19, 2005


DevilsAdvocate wins.

I'll never look at "We're all in this together" the same way.
posted by Muffpub at 4:20 PM on March 19, 2005


i gotta go with three cheers for wendell on this one. Priceless suff there. Great thread all around.
posted by quin at 7:43 PM on March 19, 2005


Wendell, how 'bout:

"You've been banned. But, for just $5, you can get back in again."
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 5:19 AM on March 20, 2005


Wendell, how could you forget: "That makes the baby jesus cry!"

Now if only I could decide which list it goes on.
posted by tinamonster at 12:17 PM on March 20, 2005


« Older They're all here....  |  "On March 18 [1937] students p... Newer »


This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments