Loch Ness Tooth

July 14, 2005 11:33 AM

Loch Ness Tooth• "In March (2005) my roommate and I went to the U.K and spent our last two days at Loch Ness. The boat rental season hadn’t started so we hired a local who took us on a private boat tour. After a few hours we came across the remains of a dead deer. The animal had literally been ripped in half - hind quarters gone, its spine was broken and severed. There were huge bloody gashes, teeth marks and a bizarre bony protrusion sticking out of an exposed rib. It was a tooth - about 4 inches long, barbed and very sharp!"
posted by dhoyt (50 comments total)

Water bailiff? Is that like a land shark?

The photo of the tooth is crazy looking and is like nothing I've ever seen. But it makes me wonder whether teeth have been found in the past? How does this tooth compare to other large water dwelling land meat eaters?

And what is gained by trying to hide the reality or non-reality of the Loch Ness monster? Tourism?
posted by fenriq at 11:40 AM on July 14, 2005

Water bailiff? Is that anything like a wallet inspector?
posted by SweetJesus at 11:41 AM on July 14, 2005

People just won't quit, will they?

I guess enough people stopped believing.

They might have sold the story better with more amateurish website work and shoddier pictures.
posted by Mach3avelli at 11:41 AM on July 14, 2005

Here's what the good folk at Museum of Hoaxes think of this bunkum.
posted by PurpleJack at 11:43 AM on July 14, 2005

I'm no biologist, but that looks awful strange for a tooth — especially those little spikes down at the base, which I doubt would be much good for biting if they were down near the gum line. I'd find this a bit more plausible if they were calling it an antler or a mandible, or even a claw.
posted by nebulawindphone at 11:45 AM on July 14, 2005

Yeah, definitely not a tooth. Looks more crustation in origin.
posted by agregoli at 11:48 AM on July 14, 2005

crustacean, I mean.
posted by agregoli at 11:52 AM on July 14, 2005

I want to know where a U.S. college student in the Midwest is going to come up with a hundred grand.
posted by rocketman at 11:54 AM on July 14, 2005

You know, this totally reminds me of something that happened a few months ago, where people thought they had found some sort of new animal, but it turned out to be the bloated, half-decomposed carcass of some common sea creature.

Anybody know what I'm talking about?
posted by afroblanca at 11:57 AM on July 14, 2005

Yeah, it was found in New Mexico. Local news reported it was a dead chupacabra. Later it was ID'd as an ocean skate, some kind of sea ray critter.

What it was doing in the dirt of Albuquerque, no one will say ...
posted by kenlayne at 12:01 PM on July 14, 2005

They might have sold the story better with more amateurish website work and shoddier pictures.

Yeah, I was about the say the photos aren't blurry enough.
posted by Rothko at 12:03 PM on July 14, 2005

I was ready to call BS all over this even before PurpleJack's link; the guy running the video was protesting way too much. "I don't want to park the boat to look at some dead f***ing animal." "I thought you were going to stay on the boat?" All way too scripted.

And yeah, water bailiff....right.
posted by jennaratrix at 12:04 PM on July 14, 2005

Um, apparently there are actually water bailiffs, but it still sounded funny to me.
posted by jennaratrix at 12:06 PM on July 14, 2005

Blair Ness Project?
posted by carter at 12:07 PM on July 14, 2005

Wouldn't be a teaser ad for some dumb ass book or movie ?
posted by R. Mutt at 12:08 PM on July 14, 2005

(Blair Ness Project was what I was going to put in the title tag!)
posted by dhoyt at 12:10 PM on July 14, 2005

Wa´ter bail´iff
1. An officer of the customs, whose duty it is to search vessels.

from thefreedictionary dot com.
posted by WaterSprite at 12:13 PM on July 14, 2005

I want to know where a U.S. college student in the Midwest is going to come up with a hundred grand.

Trust fund. Then again if you've got aa $100K trust fund you probably aren't at a college in the midwest (except maybe NorthWestern or some such).
posted by Pollomacho at 12:17 PM on July 14, 2005

Why is it that anybody who says things like "I'm about the biggest skeptic you'll ever meet,..." is less skeptical that me?
posted by Phantast at 12:19 PM on July 14, 2005

Isn't that an antler?
posted by substrate at 12:19 PM on July 14, 2005

It's a broken antler. Probably taken from the same deer.
posted by fire&wings at 12:22 PM on July 14, 2005

No, substrate, they're just happy to see you.
posted by nebulawindphone at 12:24 PM on July 14, 2005

Unless the movie features Freddie Prinze Jr. getting mauled by a creature with those teeth, thrown into Loch Ness, and roundly mocked by a group of surly Scottish locals, I'm not buying a ticket. I might watch it on DVD though.
posted by junkbox at 12:33 PM on July 14, 2005

They don't need to pay the reward if it is a hoax- nobody took anything and there is nothing to return.
posted by pointilist at 12:34 PM on July 14, 2005

Why is it that anybody who says things like "I'm about the biggest skeptic you'll ever meet,..." is less skeptical that me?

I've grown to become extremely wary of the prefaces people use on a daily basis. The one that makes my ears perk up the most is, "Honestly...".
posted by Mach3avelli at 12:45 PM on July 14, 2005

I actually cut myself on one of the barbs

A few days later, I started to feel all funny, and strange hairs began to sprout along my spine..
posted by gottabefunky at 12:55 PM on July 14, 2005

I like it when people say "Don't take this the wrong way...." and then proceed to insult you in a very nasty way. Is there a right way to take it?

Presumably the $100k reward would come out of his selling the "tooth" to a Loch Ness expert bent on proving the existence of the monster.
posted by fenriq at 12:56 PM on July 14, 2005

all my criticisms have already been made, but id still like to point out that since this is a fake - they did that to the deer :-X
posted by Tryptophan-5ht at 12:57 PM on July 14, 2005

It's a broken antler. Probably taken from the same deer.

You know, that was exactly my first thought too, but it is mighty pointy for any spike I've ever seen, then again it is a shoddy picture too.
posted by Pollomacho at 12:57 PM on July 14, 2005

The base of the "tooth" doesn't resemble typical tooth roots. Looks more like the base of a horn or antler.
posted by me3dia at 1:01 PM on July 14, 2005

That is so totally obviously the ovipositor of an Altarian female.

Sheesh. How gullible does that guy think we are?

posted by mondo dentro at 1:06 PM on July 14, 2005

I just watched the video. It's not a spike antler, its a crab claw.
posted by Pollomacho at 1:10 PM on July 14, 2005

I've seen half-deers and 3/4-deers laying along the interstate. Speeding cars do nasty things to unsuspecting deer. I wonder if this is a carcass they'd found on the motorway and hauled over to the marsh?

I've been to the Loch Ness Monster Exhibition twice (why I wasted my money a second time, I don't know). The best part was having coffee and pastry outside at a picnic table near the giant green plastic Nessie they've got floating in a tiny pond. Really gave the place a feeling of authenticity.
posted by Oriole Adams at 1:31 PM on July 14, 2005

Convenient, too, how the video blacks out for a second at the moment the "tooth" is pulled free.

It's also perfectly clean and doesn't require any effort to remove, even though it was supposedly just ripped from a giant sea creature's mouth. You'd think it would take more force to do that than one would expect from your typical pile of wet meat.
posted by JWright at 1:32 PM on July 14, 2005

None of those dudes moved during their interaction with the water bailiff? They're all in the same spot...
posted by Ogre Lawless at 2:12 PM on July 14, 2005

After logging enough time as "water bailiff" you might be able to earn a promotion to "bikini inspector."
posted by Man-Thing at 2:19 PM on July 14, 2005

"Last week, Japanese scientists placed explosive detonators at the bottom of Lake Loch Ness to blow Nessie out of the water. Sir Godfrey of the Nessie Alliance summoned the help of Scotland's local wizards to cast a protective spell over the lake and its local residents and all those who seek for the peaceful existence of our underwater ally."
posted by TechnoLustLuddite at 2:33 PM on July 14, 2005

Too bad the story isn't more plausible. I love a good hoax.

"If you've got aa $100K trust fund you probably aren't at a college in the midwest (except maybe NorthWestern or some such)."
posted by Pollomacho at 3:17 PM EST on July 14 [!]

WTF? You sound so world weary but so naive, and IMHO, of shit. There are plenty of spoiled little rich kid schools in the Midwest. Hell there are at least five I can think of in Chicago alone, one that pretty much only has a trust fund as a requirement.
posted by gesamtkunstwerk at 2:37 PM on July 14, 2005

Our Scottish local told us there are no bears in the area.

You Scottish local should have told you that bears have been extinct in Britain for 1,000 years.
posted by George_Spiggott at 3:05 PM on July 14, 2005

No bears? But, but your disbelievingness hurts me! And Rupert!
posted by Zack_Replica at 4:09 PM on July 14, 2005

I like it when people say "Don't take this the wrong way...." and then proceed to insult you in a very nasty way. Is there a right way to take it?

I only ever use the phrase when I'm trying to help, pointing out a touchy or difficult subject/problem. Maybe their intentions are better than their tact? Or maybe they're just BSing.

If they're BSing, they're using the wrong phrase. The proper codex-approved way to insult someone is to do it behind their back and then finish your diatribe with a doting "Bless his heart". You can say anything and it's OK if you finish with "Bless 'ees soul" or the like :)
posted by -harlequin- at 5:25 PM on July 14, 2005

As someone who used to be a Fortean Times subscriber... It's not even that good of a hoax. They have pictures and video of the "tracks" but none of the dead deer.

Further, the tooth looks pretty fake. I'm rusty on my morphology, but I'm pretty sure NOTHING has teeth like that. It looks like it was designed by someone who makes fantasy knives and swords.

I mean - wouldn't it be easier and more believable just to replicate a fossil tooth from a plesiosaur?

And as some have pointed out - the $100,000 "reward" is also over the top. Wouldn't $10,000 be more realistic?

They get an E for effort and a T for nice try.
posted by wfrgms at 7:38 PM on July 14, 2005

Isn't there a million dollar (pound?) reward out for proving the existence of Nessie? I assumed he was going to take the $100k from that. But there is no way that is a tooth, it looks like it came from the sea.
posted by dg at 8:42 PM on July 14, 2005

Hmm, that makes even sense than my usual ranting. Nevermind.
posted by dg at 8:43 PM on July 14, 2005

I'm also thinking antler just from the shape of the base and root. It certainly is not like any tooth I've seen, neither mammal or reptile. Consultation with my in-house bone collecter says, "it really looks like an antler."

Perhaps a young or very sickly roe deer? The problem is that while I can find text references to small one-pronged antlers, I can't find any images.

Just as a contrast to the usual Nessie suspects: plesiosaur teeth and seal teeth
posted by KirkJobSluder at 8:50 PM on July 14, 2005

Also, the sharp and whole 'tooth' is lodged very lightly in the deer's hide, which seems a bit unlikely. Anybody who's had a tooth out knows they're right buggers to extract, and aren't just going to fall out willy nilly. The fact they just pull it out also seems to contravene the "Using a screwdriver, we cracked open the ribcage and pried it loose" line.

Internet hoaxes used to be much better in my day.
posted by Hartster at 4:02 AM on July 15, 2005

That definitely looks like a crab claw, but where's the other half of the deer??
posted by r3tr0 at 6:07 AM on July 15, 2005

In the kid's truck.
posted by agregoli at 7:18 AM on July 15, 2005

You know, this totally reminds me of something that happened a few months ago, where people thought they had found some sort of new animal, but it turned out to be the bloated, half-decomposed carcass of some common sea creature.

There was one in Chile a year or two ago which turned out to be a whale - some part of them (their blubber?) decomposes to look like hair or tentacles, while the skeleton has dropped out, leaving no clue as to the original form. Also known by some as dubious globsters. (Chilean example is the bottom dubious globster pictured.)
posted by penguin pie at 11:55 AM on July 15, 2005

I think the nail in the coffin for me in regards to the loch ness monster was seeing film footage of some fairly typical optical effects regularly seen on the loch. Having paddled and boated on freshwater lakes of similar size, I know how hard it is to identify the scale and distance of objects close to the water with mirage effects.

If you couple this with legends of a lake monster, you insure that with a few thousand person-hours on the water, someone will see something that looks like a lake monster.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 7:25 PM on July 15, 2005