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August 18, 2005 8:28 PM   Subscribe

Top 10 most ridiculous black metal pics of all time - 2005 edition. This is a follow-up to the original 2004 list. NSFW (via Buzz)
posted by madamjujujive (79 comments total) 1 user marked this as a favorite

 
I laughed.
posted by AMWKE at 8:31 PM on August 18, 2005


I cried.
posted by mzurer at 8:31 PM on August 18, 2005


I needed to take a shower...
posted by Quartermass at 8:33 PM on August 18, 2005


I saw the flabby ass. I saw the cock and balls. Good God, I saw it all.
posted by rolypolyman at 8:38 PM on August 18, 2005


You know, I never realized just what a thin line there is between Rodeo Clowns and - well, whatever this is.
posted by yhbc at 8:38 PM on August 18, 2005


Hardcore.

I've had the utmost respect for Cradle of Filth ever since I saw that poster of theirs with the raped, bleeding virgin in diapers crucified on an inverted cross. It really speaks to me, you know?
posted by Jimbob at 8:42 PM on August 18, 2005


I'm surprised that #6 wasn't given massive penalties for smiling. Isn't the idealized "black metal" look the same as the "hand me the Metamucil" look?
posted by jenovus at 8:43 PM on August 18, 2005


Hmm...it's got sassy!

....but it's not quite spicy enough.

*sprinkles a few more "fucks" in the article for added spiciness*

There. That should do it.
posted by meh at 8:43 PM on August 18, 2005


What is the deal with northern europeans and black/death metal, anyway? Almost every single person I know online who is from Sweden/Norway/Finland/whatever are all fans of this crap. Is there something in the water?
posted by nightchrome at 8:46 PM on August 18, 2005


top notch as always, mjj
posted by matteo at 8:53 PM on August 18, 2005


What is this? They all look like KISS fans made up and dressed up for a big reunion show.
posted by Clay201 at 8:53 PM on August 18, 2005


Nightchrome: the lack of sunshine, a national tendancy to depression and gnawing terror at the thought of being labeled normal?

I admit that I know nothing about the people listed, but they seem to be spending all this time, effort and eyeliner fighting the horrors of a pedestrian 9-5 existence. So they go to the extreme opposite end to that and turn into a black-clad rubber-stamp brigade for single-thought mediocrity. Which is at least as frightening as waking up and finding you're 40+ with a mortgage and no life.

Call me tired and over-caffeinated, but both ends of the spectrum are blurring together for me. Perhaps that's just the glare off the PVC...
posted by ninazer0 at 9:00 PM on August 18, 2005


You're all just jealous.
posted by Devils Slide at 9:05 PM on August 18, 2005


Heh. Did your mommy sew that for you?

What a bunch of lamers.
posted by Kickstart70 at 9:08 PM on August 18, 2005


That. Was. Awesome.
posted by oddman at 9:09 PM on August 18, 2005


nightchrome, it's because they're lame. If you were lived in a cold, dark place most of the year you'd be lame too.
posted by nixerman at 9:09 PM on August 18, 2005


Funny pics but the guy truly cannot write.
posted by dydecker at 9:11 PM on August 18, 2005


If you were lived in a cold, dark place most of the year you'd be lame too.

Strangely, Iceland seems to be relatively immune to this kind of musical disaster.
posted by Jimbob at 9:13 PM on August 18, 2005


Man, my head hurts from all the banging.
posted by Nelson at 9:15 PM on August 18, 2005


Strangely, Iceland seems to be relatively immune to this kind of musical disaster.

Yes, but Iceland almost killed The Hafler Trio, so it still has much to answer for.
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 9:21 PM on August 18, 2005


PinkStainlessTail: I was just wondering how he was doing this afternoon. Awesome news...
posted by hototogisu at 9:30 PM on August 18, 2005


*awaits jonmc weighing in about how much this crap sucks and how handsome dick manitoba could kick the crap out of any of these painted douchebags*
posted by Hat Maui at 9:38 PM on August 18, 2005


Inverted Bovine Femur Cross

That'll be the name of my Black Metal band. I don't play any intruments yet and can't sing so ... first things firt: I need a logo!
posted by dobbs at 9:47 PM on August 18, 2005


Eskimos don't do this.
posted by bardic at 9:50 PM on August 18, 2005


And what on earth is Abbath doing? What kind of pose is that? It looks like he’s about to be hit by a bus and Horgh, unable to rescue him, is on the sidewalk screaming, “Nooooooooo….”

/pisses self
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 9:57 PM on August 18, 2005


I don't play any intruments yet and can't sing so ...

That's okay, there are plenty of jobs going for people to flagellate themselves on stage and spit blood at the audience.
posted by Jimbob at 9:58 PM on August 18, 2005


Thank you. Now my eyes are useless. Forever.

Most emotionally damaging MeFi post ever.

Congratulations. You win.

Jerk.
posted by ford and the prefects at 10:10 PM on August 18, 2005


dobbs : "Inverted Bovine Femur Cross

"That'll be the name of my Black Metal band. I don't play any intruments yet and can't sing so ... first things firt: I need a logo!"


I am not a lawyer, but I believe you are now legally required to form a band:


posted by Bugbread at 10:24 PM on August 18, 2005


... and I thought I had a little wiener!
posted by mischief at 10:29 PM on August 18, 2005


You really shoulda titled this post "rock out with your cock out," mjj. Wow. Um. (My favorite one is the ohnogonnagethitbyabus one tho.)
posted by furiousthought at 10:44 PM on August 18, 2005


no 6, galder, is the only one of those guys who actually manages to be creepy ... those vacant eyes ... that wide-mouthed smile ... that seeming unattention to how he's playing his guitar ...

someone was ripping a virgin's heart out to throw onto the stage ... i just know it
posted by pyramid termite at 10:45 PM on August 18, 2005


PinkStainlessSteel, as an Icelander, and a fan of Hafler Trio, I deeply apologize for what we've done to him. At one of his concerts I went to he gave everybody colored gin and tonics and had the entire crowd singin Tristan Tzara's Chanson dada, he is indeed a stellar man and a genius artist.

Icelandic immigration law is exceptionally stupid, in a field of law where common sense is often thin on the ground. My wife, who is American (and is also a mefite: grapefruitmoon), wasn't granted a permanent residence permit because we weren't old enough yet. For the purposes of immigration in Iceland a marriage isn't considered valid until both parties are 25.

So we moved to the US instead.
posted by Kattullus at 11:02 PM on August 18, 2005


These guys don't hold a candle to GWAR
The show I saw they kept feeding virgins to the carnivorous toilet, and spraying the crowd with the sweet, sweet virginal blood.
Very patriotic.
posted by Balisong at 11:25 PM on August 18, 2005


I'm sure they play nice soothing music, can't judge a LP on its cover.
posted by NewBornHippy at 12:03 AM on August 19, 2005


Inverted Bovine Femur Cross

I think that name could do with some umlauts.
posted by kersplunk at 12:23 AM on August 19, 2005


Are those cartoons?
posted by wsg at 12:42 AM on August 19, 2005


Hehe. I saw GWAR in highschool. Problem was, no venues in DC would sign them due to the inevitable damage. So they played a free show at Fort Reno as "RAWG." Without their costumes, it just doesn't work.
posted by bardic at 12:46 AM on August 19, 2005


Inv&#235rt&#235d B&#246vine F&#235m&#252r Cr&#246ss
posted by Meatbomb at 1:27 AM on August 19, 2005


Doh! Looked good in live preview...
posted by Meatbomb at 1:27 AM on August 19, 2005


Invërtëd Bövine Fëmür Cröss

VICTORY!
posted by Meatbomb at 1:31 AM on August 19, 2005


No black metal fans at all? Hrm.

The pity of these photos is that some of these artists are very very good. Immortal should never be allowed near a camera but their album "Sons of Northern Darkness" is one of my favorite albums of all time. Beautifully vicious, tight three piece band which produces some great symphonic stuff.

Or Emperor. Its a pity they were stuck in the black metal ghetto as their stuff was really out there, huge symphonies of noise and really complex rhythms. They should have gotten wider recognition in the outside world.
posted by pandaharma at 1:46 AM on August 19, 2005


Umlauts aren't True Norwegian Black Metal, they're faggoth.
posted by Bugbread at 1:47 AM on August 19, 2005


pandaharma : "No black metal fans at all? Hrm."

I like me some Darkthrone, but that puts me in my own private world of shame.

Oh, and Mayhem's Grand Declaration of War (minus the spoken word bits).

And some Gorgoroth.

Oh, ok, so I guess I like black metal.
posted by Bugbread at 1:49 AM on August 19, 2005


In one of those pics you'll see Buddy Ebsen. This was before he found out he was allergic to the makeup and had to quit the band and... eh... I got nothin'
posted by hal9k at 2:32 AM on August 19, 2005


"Does the guy on the left have spikes coming out of his fucking back? And if he does, like, what?"

'nuff said. Excellent post.
posted by OmieWise at 5:46 AM on August 19, 2005


/Looks to pandaharma, thrusts devil horns in the air/

YAAAAAARRRRRRRR!!!!
posted by theinsectsarewaiting at 5:53 AM on August 19, 2005


What is the deal with northern europeans and black/death metal, anyway?
Nightchrome: the lack of sunshine, a national tendancy to depression and gnawing terror at the thought of being labeled normal?

This does not explain Florida.
posted by anathema at 5:57 AM on August 19, 2005


Wasn't this genre on its way out by the time Ronnie James Dio penned Holy Diver?

Love the boots.
posted by Pollomacho at 5:59 AM on August 19, 2005


bugbread: that's a pretty good logo, but we can still read it. It's not black metal if you can read the band's name in the logo.
posted by NoMich at 6:03 AM on August 19, 2005


Dear madammetalmaven, that was gravelrashonchinly good. Thank you, I think.
posted by peacay at 6:08 AM on August 19, 2005


Wasn't this genre on its way out by the time Ronnie James Dio penned Holy Diver?

Dude, metal has about 666 different subgenres. Dio (the band) was a part of "the early '80s fantasy with a dash of Satan" metal. That's opposed to Thor who was just "all out late '70s/early '80s fantasy metal," and Venom who were the top of the "nothin' but Satan" heap. I don't think black metal really got its start until the latter half of the '80s. But am I talking about Tampa Bay/Orlando black metal, or northern European black metal?
posted by NoMich at 6:13 AM on August 19, 2005


From the 2004 list: "Also, Cradle of Filth is from Helsinki, Sweden."

er, Helsinki is actually in Finland.
posted by clevershark at 6:43 AM on August 19, 2005


er, Helsinki is actually in Finland
posted by found missing at 6:54 AM on August 19, 2005


Sorry, I was being sarcastic NoMich.

To tell the truth, I was in a horrible, horrible, horrible death metal band named Black and Huge (after the Gwar song) back in my high school days.

I think all the old Voivod tee shirts have finally worn out as my (wife of a minister) mother's dust rags.
posted by Pollomacho at 6:59 AM on August 19, 2005


But my analysis was pretty close, no?
posted by NoMich at 7:08 AM on August 19, 2005


Wait, is Abbath a death metal Abba cover band? They should be. That would be awesome.

(Full disclosure: I have owned Emperor, Immortan and Morbid Angel cassettes, but can't seem to find them anymore...)
posted by klangklangston at 7:24 AM on August 19, 2005


I read "rock out with your cock out" and began laughing loudly in my cubicle. I had to fib about what was so funny.
posted by tommasz at 7:29 AM on August 19, 2005


Not to split hairs here but Voivod were more of the Satan-free sci-fi/psychedelic Prog school of metal. Their first 2 or 3 records were awesome (stopped following after that).

Anyhow that picture with the dude looking like a bus is about to run him down with his black metal pal screaming 'Nooooooo!" had me howling.

The Black/Death Metal genre is such a source of endless goofiness. Great post.
posted by Skygazer at 7:30 AM on August 19, 2005


Oh, yeah, decent analysis. I'd say Dio wanted to be more in the All Satan camp than he actually was though, what with his logo spelling out Devil when inverted and all.

I should state for the record that what I just wrote is probably one of the most embarrassing things from my personal history. As you can imagine, most of the "rage" I was feeling began to dissipate after I began actually having contact with girls and with certain types of "relaxing" pastimes. This mellowing process did not full begin until after I'd blown out both my eardrums at Napalm Death and Carcass shows and my wallet on black tee shirts with gory imagery and logos for such acts as Morbid Angel.

Good lord, what was I thinking?
posted by Pollomacho at 7:30 AM on August 19, 2005


Not to split hairs here but Voivod were more of the Satan-free sci-fi/psychedelic Prog school of metal.

True as well. They also give you a headache, even if you are a metal head.
posted by Pollomacho at 7:32 AM on August 19, 2005


Nomich: But my analysis was pretty close, no?

Dude, it was fuckin' scholarly man and by the power invested in me by Beezlebub I hearby confer upon you the ccertificate of Doctorate in Black Metal-ology. Satan be with you.
posted by Skygazer at 7:43 AM on August 19, 2005


Nah, I'm a black metal fan, pandaharma. Actually, the shameless excess in the photos is one of the [more minor] reasons I like it. It's fucking hilarious, and most of the groups in those photographs actually make some damn good black metal. Gorgoroth, Mayhem, Darkthrone, Graveland, Gorgoroth, Dark Funeral, even Immortal.

[Also, bugbread's right on the umlauts - not so much a black metal thing. I can only think of a few bands from the past ten or twenty years that use umlauts.]
posted by ubersturm at 7:52 AM on August 19, 2005


These guys don't hold a candle to GWAR
Reminds me of a show they put on in the early 90's. IIRC, the city stopped their concert midway through because they were throwing blood and other extraneous fluids into the crowd, GWAR sued the city and won and gave all the money to charity. In response, Athens banned GWAR from playing here again.

However, I can't help but think of GWAR without association them with Marc from Empire Records. That shit makes me happy.
posted by jmd82 at 8:09 AM on August 19, 2005


Just to clarify, GWAR used/uses various forms of stage blood and other prop materials, not the real thing.
posted by anathema at 8:59 AM on August 19, 2005


Yeah, GWAR is totally fake...

When i lived in Richmond I always got a chuckle seeing GWAR members, in full g(w)arb, interspersed down the street, carrying a bone, a phallus, a pope hat...Their space was just down the street from the club. I suspect they did it on purpose, so as to inform the unknowing that "there's a GWAR show tonight."
posted by hellbient at 9:29 AM on August 19, 2005


Yeah, GWAR is totally fake...

They put on a hell of a show though. Good music too, if you can get past the lyrics.
posted by Bort at 9:42 AM on August 19, 2005


I'd say Dio wanted to be more in the All Satan camp than he actually was though, what with his logo spelling out Devil when inverted and all.

Yeah, Ronnie James Dio is all right but he can't hold a candle to our very own Ronnie James Dios. Have you heard his track "Grounding Force of Reason?" It Fuckin' ROCKS!
posted by Fuzzy Monster at 10:17 AM on August 19, 2005


Not to split hairs here but Voivod were more of the Satan-free sci-fi/psychedelic Prog school of metal. Their first 2 or 3 records were awesome (stopped following after that). I stopped listening to Voivod when "Nothingface" came out (Way too space/prog for me), I'm stuck at "Killing Technology". I second pandaharma's comment; Immortal's "Sons of Northern Darkness" kicks ass (especially "In My Kingdom Cold").
posted by MikeMc at 12:35 PM on August 19, 2005


In Germany last week, I saw a poster for a band that featured a crucified midget with three naked chicks worshiping him at the bottom of the cross.

I'm just sayin'...
posted by Cyrano at 3:31 PM on August 19, 2005


I read "rock out with your cock out" and began laughing loudly in my cubicle. I had to fib about what was so funny.

You were clearly gwarned: NSFW.

Seriously, it looks like he punched a fucking porcupine to death.

madamejujujive, I salute you; [this is fucking good]
posted by Aknaton at 4:39 PM on August 19, 2005


Dude, metalfoul. Black- and Death- are different.

I think.
posted by bardic at 6:58 PM on August 19, 2005


This was great, but the rest of the site was even better. There went two hours...
posted by arcticwoman at 7:53 PM on August 19, 2005


rock out with your cock out

furiousthought, that would have been a brilliant title - damn, I wish I had been that clever.
posted by madamjujujive at 8:27 PM on August 19, 2005


arcticwoman : "This was great, but the rest of the site was even better. There went two hours..."

Totally. Their Aristocrats page had me in fits.

And no. I won't link to it.
posted by bdave at 9:35 AM on August 20, 2005


Bardic:
Dude, metalfoul. Black- and Death- are different.

I think.


Whoa. My bad. Thanks for catching that. I meant to write Genres.

Apologies if my insensitivity caused any in the Black or Death Metal communities hurt feelings or discomfort.
posted by Skygazer at 9:41 AM on August 20, 2005


Hi, I'm zoogleplex, and I just want to say that my cock is as metal as it gets.

*ducks and covers ears to mute the boos*

"*awaits jonmc weighing in about how much this crap sucks and how handsome dick manitoba could kick the crap out of any of these painted douchebags*"

Well, I'll weigh in for him, because it's TRUE DAMMIT!!!

And GWAR ROCKS!!
posted by zoogleplex at 12:44 PM on August 20, 2005


.
posted by PenguinBukkake at 5:24 PM on August 22, 2005


Not that anyone's still reading this, but Strange Moments in Metal Video History is pretty good too.
posted by Aknaton at 10:03 PM on August 25, 2005


Thanks, Aknaton.
posted by Bugbread at 3:26 AM on August 26, 2005


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