who will send this

September 28, 2005 4:13 PM

Who will send this-er- Apology letter to us- um left belowers if all the predispensationalist and milleniest fundies are raptured? via the awesome growabrain
posted by svenvog (35 comments total)

I'd hardly call that an apology letter. It almost rubs in a whole "I was chosen and you weren't. Neener neener." attitude.
posted by mystyk at 4:31 PM on September 28, 2005

Also these.
posted by interrobang at 4:36 PM on September 28, 2005

Too bad, so sad.

Love,

Jesus
posted by basicchannel at 4:39 PM on September 28, 2005

Dear Christians,

Sorry you all got left behind. Turns out the Jews were right.

Sincerely,

Yaweh
posted by Joey Michaels at 4:42 PM on September 28, 2005

We are sorry for the inconvenience
posted by IronLizard at 4:45 PM on September 28, 2005

err.... Doug Adams quote above
posted by IronLizard at 4:48 PM on September 28, 2005

My mom left one of these for me on the kitchen table when I was a kid. Turns out she just went to the Floyd concert.
posted by dsword at 4:50 PM on September 28, 2005

I'll tell you how this gets sent. They pay four guys to work in 6 hours shifts in an isolated booth at a hidden location. The job is to push a button every few seconds for the duration of the shift.

The four guys will be unimpeachable rapture material.

When the button stops getting pressed, the rapture-grams go out.
posted by cortex at 4:52 PM on September 28, 2005

Dear Everyone,

Actually it was the Mandeans who were right. But you killed them all, so the whole Rapture thing just isn't going to work out this time. Enjoy your eternity in Hell, I'm off to try again.

Love,

YHVH
posted by cleardawn at 4:53 PM on September 28, 2005

dsword wins, hands down
posted by gurple at 5:06 PM on September 28, 2005

From the list of possible Antichrists found through interrobang's link:
Barney the Dinosaur Because John, the writer of Revelation, would never have known what a dinosaur looked like, it's logical to assume he would have identified any vision of Barney as one of a dragon. Taking this into consideration, you might find the following Scriptures quite revealing: Revelation 12:3, "And there appeared another wonder in heaven; and behold a great red dragon…,"
Revelation 13:4, "And they worshipped the dragon which gave power unto the beast: and they worshipped the beast, saying, Who is like unto the beast? who is able to make war with him?"
Revelation 20:2, "And he laid hold on the dragon, that old serpent, which is the Devil, and Satan, and bound him a thousand years."
Okay!
posted by zoinks at 5:24 PM on September 28, 2005

Does that mean dsword gets Raptured?
posted by cleardawn at 5:24 PM on September 28, 2005

Dear senders of the rapture letter,

It's called Pride. While you're in purgatory, look it up.

Sincerely,

God

P.S. Remember that whole thing about motes in your neighbor's eye and planks in your own? Yeah, thought so, bitch.
posted by shmegegge at 5:41 PM on September 28, 2005

Not all of us are pretrib rapture believers...by the end of my theology course I will know what I am, instead.
posted by konolia at 5:45 PM on September 28, 2005

Left Below
posted by blue_beetle at 5:49 PM on September 28, 2005

Not all of us are pretrib rapture believers...by the end of my theology course I will know what I am, instead.

We're all totally dying to find out what they tell you to believe, konolia.
posted by interrobang at 5:55 PM on September 28, 2005

This may come as a shock to you, but the one who sent you this has been taken up to heaven.

This line is the saddest, so many wonderful and kind people defensively choosing the escape of religion due to some terrible personal tragedy that has left them with unbearable hurt. A hurt that is lessened through a sort of chosen blindness. It is for someone to understand the fallacy of others, but never feel, to however small extent, the human feelings, common to all of us, that negotiated Christian's way into their personal religious beliefs.
posted by The Jesse Helms at 6:37 PM on September 28, 2005

Wait, all the christians are leaving? Rapture!
posted by fatbobsmith at 6:38 PM on September 28, 2005

Dear Nutty Christians,

Have we met? You don't look familiar.

Best,

God
posted by Hildegarde at 6:41 PM on September 28, 2005

i second fatbobsmith, can they move this thing along so i can have a xian free day.
posted by stilgar at 6:51 PM on September 28, 2005

I wish they would just GO already and leave the place to the rest of us who love this world and care about what happens here.
posted by ottereroticist at 7:07 PM on September 28, 2005

In the event that self-righteous fundamentalists are raptured away, well, I for one will thank God for making the world a lot better.

But until then we're stuck with them, so I prefer to think that there is no God.
posted by clevershark at 8:40 PM on September 28, 2005

I want to believe that when you die, if you're an atheist you see a heaven and then get told you're not allowed to enter. If you believe in god, when you die, there's a brief moment where an atheist points at you and then says "HA HA" in a Nelson Muntz-style voice then nothing.

If the rapture doesn't happen, I really wish I could send these people postcards after their deaths pointing out how wrong they were.
posted by drezdn at 9:19 PM on September 28, 2005

Bad proofs of god. (obligatory)
posted by mystyk at 9:40 PM on September 28, 2005

Here's what I plan to do when I die. (self link to dead blog.)
posted by interrobang at 10:11 PM on September 28, 2005

You should now seek out others who have
also given their lives to Christ, read a Bible daily, and do your best to
bring others to Christ.

Jeez, that's a lot of time and effort.
posted by papakwanz at 10:27 PM on September 28, 2005

And of course, the obligatory...

If you get taken in the Rapture, can I have your car?

Just think of how much less traffic there will be!

[happydance]
posted by zoogleplex at 10:53 PM on September 28, 2005

If you get taken in the Rapture, can I have your car?

The Rapture doesn't eat cars. Now he only eats guitars.
posted by jonp72 at 11:15 PM on September 28, 2005

Inconceivable! from the 'home' link...

How is this accomplished, you might ask. It's a dead man switch that will automatically send the emails when it is not reset.

Anyone else want to sign up for this, and place bets on how soon one of these guys has car trouble?
posted by arialblack at 11:26 PM on September 28, 2005

jonp72's post just made me laugh, like, a whole bunch.

Rap, ture, indeed.
posted by Haruspex at 12:03 AM on September 29, 2005

What shmegegge said. A false pride.
posted by nofundy at 5:12 AM on September 29, 2005

I like how the letter in the first link is written. The Rapture has come and gone, yet if you close your eyes real tight and start praying hard, you just might catch the next one.

I imagine God as the kindly old ticket seller at the train station who looks at you, checks his pocket watch, and says, "Well son, you just missed the 7:30, the next Rapture won't be along 'til 11:15..."
posted by quantumetric at 8:50 AM on September 29, 2005

S'long, BITCHES! Don'tcha wish you was flyin' in heaven with us? Suckas!
posted by squirrel at 9:17 AM on September 29, 2005

Also, jonp72: you rock.
posted by squirrel at 9:17 AM on September 29, 2005

When I was on the earth, I got into a lot of trouble for pointing out that the State of Nebraska Capitol Building was in reality constructed for the purpose of serving as a great Baal temple, or Sun temple, and that it contained a Satanic priesthood, called the Innocents, who use the head of Satan as their emblem. I don't know if I'm right or not, but if it turns out that Lincoln, Nebraska is the nest of Satanism that I suspect it is, you should probably avoid it as a very hostile place to Christians - maybe even a site of human sacrifice.

WTF?
posted by mrgrimm at 11:20 AM on September 29, 2005