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October 21, 2005 9:50 PM Subscribe

OCTOBER 22 IS INTERNATIONAL CAPS LOCK DAY!!!
EVERY YEAR WE GET TOGETHER AND MAKE SALMON FOR TOAST, EVERY YEAR WE GET A CROCKETY BLOAT, EVERY YEAR WE GET DRUNK ON THE DOCKS, AND EVERY YEAR WE HAVE SEX WITH OUR CAPS LOCKS!!!!
posted by Jairus (504 comments total) 4 users marked this as a favorite

FRSIT PSORT
posted by Krrrlson at 9:50 PM on October 21, 2005

REJOICE!
posted by furtive at 9:52 PM on October 21, 2005

SECOND POST!!! DAMN THE TORPEDOS!! SALMON FOR ALL AND FOR ALL A GOOD SALMON!!!!
posted by chandy72 at 9:52 PM on October 21, 2005

ER, ON PREVIEW, NOT SECOND. BUT THERE'S NO NEED TO YELL ABOUT IT IS THERE?!?!?!?!?
posted by chandy72 at 9:53 PM on October 21, 2005

LUCREZIA BORGIA? HERE? NOW?
posted by gramschmidt at 9:53 PM on October 21, 2005

ZOMG FUCT YEAH. HAPPY INTERNATIONAL CAPS LOCK DAY 2 ALL MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY AND TO MY MAIN MAN FSM WHOS NOODLY APPENDAGE WATCHES OVER ME EVERY DAY.

FUCT YEAH WHHHHHOOOOOO HHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

ROR SON ROR

@(#^^@@^%(@^%^#%#(%@#(%#@%#(%@%(%@#%#@%@%@#%#@%#@%#@(%#(%@(%@%%@%
posted by Dreamghost at 9:54 PM on October 21, 2005

HAHA SUCKERS I"M USING THE SHIFT KEY
posted by 23skidoo at 9:55 PM on October 21, 2005

FIRST POST!!!!!!~~~
posted by Dreamghost at 9:55 PM on October 21, 2005

RADIOHEAD IS OVERRATED. THERE. I YELLED IT.
posted by gramschmidt at 9:55 PM on October 21, 2005

IN YOUR FACE EE CUMMINGS!!!!!!!!!!
posted by furtive at 9:56 PM on October 21, 2005

FIRST DREAMGHOST
posted by gramschmidt at 9:56 PM on October 21, 2005

ARRRRRRRRRRRRR!
posted by loquacious at 9:56 PM on October 21, 2005

posted by gramschmidt at 9:56 PM on October 21, 2005

CAPS LOCK 2.0! COME JOIN THE CAPSLOCKOSPHERE IN WILD AND UNRESTRAINED SOCIAL UPPERCASEONOMY.
posted by brownpau at 9:56 PM on October 21, 2005

CAPS LOCK HACK: HIT YOUR CAPS LOCK KEY TO TYPE IN UPPERCASE *ALL THE TIME*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
posted by Krrrlson at 9:57 PM on October 21, 2005

BUMP
posted by eatitlive at 9:57 PM on October 21, 2005

it's not caps lock day yet in my time zone
posted by moift at 9:57 PM on October 21, 2005

NATIONAL CAPSLOCK DAY IS TOMORROW YOU DUMBASS!
posted by graventy at 9:58 PM on October 21, 2005

OH WHAT THE HELL

THIS IS MY CHRISTMAS

FUCK
posted by moift at 9:58 PM on October 21, 2005

posted by gramschmidt at 9:58 PM on October 21, 2005

I MUST APOLOGIZE LOUDLY AND SOFTLY SIMULTANEOUSLY. I TYPED THE IMG SRC IN LOWER CASE. BROCCOLI EITHER CURES OR CAUSES CANCER.
posted by gramschmidt at 10:00 PM on October 21, 2005

LAPPY HAPS COCK DAY
posted by brownpau at 10:00 PM on October 21, 2005

I kill YOUR CAPS LOCK VOODOO PATHETIC HUMOR
posted by lalochezia at 10:01 PM on October 21, 2005

ON THIS HAPPY DAY, THE PEOPLE OF THE WORLD REJOICE IN THE TECHNOLOGICAL TRIUMPH THAT IS THE CAPS LOCK KEY
posted by azazello at 10:01 PM on October 21, 2005

AIMING FOR 1000 COMENTS.
posted by Krrrlson at 10:02 PM on October 21, 2005

posted by clevershark at 10:02 PM on October 21, 2005

NEWS FLASH: THIS IS A PICTURE OF STEVE_AT_LINNWOOD
posted by gramschmidt at 10:03 PM on October 21, 2005

OH GOD NOT AGAIN
posted by fungible at 10:03 PM on October 21, 2005

YES THIS TOTALLY MAKES UP FOR MISSING TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY
posted by kosher_jenny at 10:03 PM on October 21, 2005

Maybe instead of having one day on which we all abuse the caps lock key, we can spread Caps Lock Day out over the entire year by, like, capitalizing sentences and proper names. Then every day can be Cap Locks Day.

Like how I don't just wait for the Christmas holidays to ask older, bearded men for presents.
posted by chasing at 10:04 PM on October 21, 2005

I, too, would like to celebrate this joyous day with all of you, but alas, I am unworthy heathen scum for I have remapped my caps lock key into oblivion.

There, I said it! I reject you caps lock, you and your dark cult. Shift forever!

SUCK IT, HATERS!
posted by Stunt at 10:04 PM on October 21, 2005

GOONIES NEVER SAY DIE
posted by sdrawkcab at 10:04 PM on October 21, 2005

"CULT THREADS ARE KILLING METAFILTER." -- STAVROSTHEMETAFILTERUSER
posted by gramschmidt at 10:05 PM on October 21, 2005

SODOMY RUM SODOMY LASH BUGGER ARSE FECK ELBOWS
posted by loquacious at 10:06 PM on October 21, 2005

СНЕЙКС ОН Э МАЗЕРФАКИНГ ПЛЕЙН!!!
posted by Krrrlson at 10:07 PM on October 21, 2005

GIN MAKES A MAN MEAN
posted by loquacious at 10:07 PM on October 21, 2005

LOQUACIOUS DONE PLAYEDED HARMONICA IN THE PUB WHERE I DONE BEEN BORN
posted by gramschmidt at 10:08 PM on October 21, 2005

SOMEWHERE OUT THERE, B1FF IS SMILING!!11!11

SHINE ON, B1FF, YOU CRAZY DIAMOND!!1!1!!ONE
posted by keswick at 10:08 PM on October 21, 2005

SUKK IT CHASING U H8R

posted by Dreamghost at 10:08 PM on October 21, 2005

POSTCOUNT++;
posted by moift at 10:10 PM on October 21, 2005

WOOOOOOOOOOOOO

*FWOOOOMP*
posted by loquacious at 10:10 PM on October 21, 2005

HAPPY CAPS LOCK DAY MFERS!

HAPPY CAPS LOCK DAY MFERS!

IMPEACH BUSH! (why not)
posted by wakko at 10:11 PM on October 21, 2005

posted by gramschmidt at 10:11 PM on October 21, 2005

COMUNISTICHIPPIEPERVERTEDIMPOTENTNOSEPICKINGBEARDEDGRANDMOTHERMAILMAN!
posted by Balisong at 10:12 PM on October 21, 2005

I'M TO SLEEPY FOR THIS

posted by Pretty_Generic at 10:12 PM on October 21, 2005

sO WhEn Is XanGA FuCkED uP CaPs DaY?
posted by pyramid termite at 10:12 PM on October 21, 2005

ME TYPE BIG ONE DAY~~~
posted by moift at 10:12 PM on October 21, 2005

IS MY CAPS LOCK ON OR OFF OH IT'S ON BABY
posted by Pretty_Generic at 10:14 PM on October 21, 2005

COMEDY: ON
posted by Krrrlson at 10:14 PM on October 21, 2005

*SNIFF*

OK GUYZ SORY TO BRING THE TONE DOWN A LITLE BUT I HAV TO TELL YOU SUM BAD SHIT WENT DOWN HER TODAY MY GOLDFISH DYED SHE WAS GOLD AND SHE WAS MOLLY AND SHE DINT LIV LONG UNDER TEH RADIATOR LIKE WARREN SAID SHE WOULD FUK YOU WARREN

AND THEN MY MOM OVERDOSED ON HORSE TODAY, TOO
posted by gramschmidt at 10:15 PM on October 21, 2005

>

(THAT IS . WITH A SHIFT)
posted by Pretty_Generic at 10:16 PM on October 21, 2005

FECK ARSE HORSE
posted by loquacious at 10:16 PM on October 21, 2005

YAY! ANOTHER CRAPS LORK DAY!
posted by eyeballkid at 10:18 PM on October 21, 2005

COMEDY: ON

10X4 REMINDIN ME ABOUT PICTURE

posted by moift at 10:19 PM on October 21, 2005

CUMMINGS IN YOUR FACE E.E.!
posted by eyeballkid at 10:19 PM on October 21, 2005

WTF WARREN U SOB.

RIP MOLLY

SO YOUNG
SO TALENTED
SO BEAUTIFUL

=-(
posted by Dreamghost at 10:20 PM on October 21, 2005

SUCH A STRANGE WORD, "BOMB"
posted by gramschmidt at 10:21 PM on October 21, 2005

NUKKKLER

DAMN NORTH KOREA HATES BLACK PEOPLE!!!
posted by Dreamghost at 10:22 PM on October 21, 2005

CUMMINGS IN YOUR FACE E.E.!

YOU ARE THINKING OF LAPS COCK DAY

K THX BUHBYE
posted by 23skidoo at 10:22 PM on October 21, 2005

I THINK "HOME" IS STRANGE IT READS HOMY

HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME

SEE IT IS STRANGE

I AM SORRY FOR YOUR GODFISH DEATH PLEASE OBTAIN A NEW FISH
posted by Pretty_Generic at 10:23 PM on October 21, 2005

HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME

CAPS LOCK DAY AND CONTROL V DAY TOGETHER AT LAST
posted by moift at 10:24 PM on October 21, 2005

HI I'M RADICALLY NAKED AND WOULD LIKE TO PICTURE YOUR ELVES AS WELL PLZ RESPOND W/ PICS AND SAMPLES
posted by loquacious at 10:25 PM on October 21, 2005

MY CAPS LOCK IS BROKEN. I'M JUST USING MY SHIFT KEY>
posted by brundlefly at 10:26 PM on October 21, 2005

HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME
HOME

MORE LIKE...

HOMO
HOMO
HOMO
HOMO
HOMO
HOMO
HOMO
HOMO
HOMO
HOMO
HOMO

AM I RIT?
posted by Dreamghost at 10:26 PM on October 21, 2005

HI EVERYBODY

YEAH, IT'S ME, MARK, FROM MARKETING USING THE "COMPUTER" AGAIN HA HA HA

ANYWAY, I FIGURED YOU'D ALL WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THE "BIG" INFO FAIR WE'RE HAVING NEXT WEEK. I THINK WE'LL HAVE SOME GREAT STUFF FOR EVERYBODY, NO MATTER WHICH DEPARTMENT YOU WORK IN. WE'LL HAVE SEMINARS AND A COUPLE OF TALKS AND THEN PHIL IS GOING TO GO OVER NEXT YEAR'S CAMPAIGN IDEAS. WE'RE ALSO HAVING "PIZZA"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SHOULD BE GOOD. HOPE TO SEE YOU "ALL" THERE!!!

--MARK OVERBAUGH
--TODD LOKKEN
posted by gramschmidt at 10:27 PM on October 21, 2005

THAT'S CAUSE I'M A SHIFTY CHARACTER.
posted by brundlefly at 10:27 PM on October 21, 2005

U R
posted by euphorb at 10:27 PM on October 21, 2005

JUNK IN DA TRUNK
posted by eatitlive at 10:28 PM on October 21, 2005

IF TODD LOKKEN IZ A ROCKIN DONT COME A KNOCKING!!
posted by Dreamghost at 10:29 PM on October 21, 2005

WHAT WHAT
posted by Pretty_Generic at 10:29 PM on October 21, 2005

ITS ALSO MY BIRTHDAY!!!! THANK YOU INTERNETS FOR HAVING EVERY1 RE-JOICE AND SPELL BAD AND CAPSLOCKS THEIR ASSES OFF!!!!!111

OH AND POST PICTS ON M3TA4ILTER MY FAVORITE!!!

ARRRRRRRRRRRRR

ps bush sucks and i hope he gets lice
posted by tsarfan at 10:29 PM on October 21, 2005

I M
posted by brundlefly at 10:31 PM on October 21, 2005

GENERIC GODFISH

EMPTY. LIKE MY FISHBOWL.
posted by gramschmidt at 10:31 PM on October 21, 2005

DON'T GO FOR DRUG RELATED HUMOR HAVE SOME STANDARDS IT IS TOO EASY
posted by Pretty_Generic at 10:31 PM on October 21, 2005

ZOMG JON STEWERT JUST SAID THE WORD "CAPS LOCK" HE MUST READ SOMETHING AWFUL

*@*&@&*))^@)^#^))^#

>=)
posted by Dreamghost at 10:31 PM on October 21, 2005

GRAMSCHMIDT: WILL THERE ALSO BE FRESH "SQUEEZED" ORANGE JUICE?
posted by brundlefly at 10:33 PM on October 21, 2005

GNAW WANG
posted by loquacious at 10:33 PM on October 21, 2005

qua?
posted by philida at 10:33 PM on October 21, 2005

TESTICVLOS HABET, ET BENE PENDENTES
posted by pyramid termite at 10:33 PM on October 21, 2005

NO "BRUNDLEFLY" BERTHA ONL"Y" SER"V"ES GRAPEFRUIT ON THURSDAYS ""SORRY""
posted by gramschmidt at 10:34 PM on October 21, 2005

EXCELLENT SELLER! WOULD DEFINITELY BUY FROM AGAIN!!! GREAT COMMUNICATION!!! A+++++!!!!!!
posted by 23skidoo at 10:34 PM on October 21, 2005

CHEW IT, DAMMIT MOO!
posted by loquacious at 10:35 PM on October 21, 2005

ROLL ANOTHER FAT ONE PEEGE

posted by Pretty_Generic at 10:35 PM on October 21, 2005

ACCEPT MY CONFETTI
posted by flod at 10:35 PM on October 21, 2005

I WISH IT WAS FUNFETTI

----- CALL ME FOR HAWT TIME (586) 555-1212
posted by Dreamghost at 10:36 PM on October 21, 2005

DARN "IT".
posted by brundlefly at 10:38 PM on October 21, 2005

posted by Pretty_Generic at 10:38 PM on October 21, 2005

WTF, PTERRY GERENIC, POGO HAS RABIES?????
posted by pyramid termite at 10:39 PM on October 21, 2005

I BE GETTIN MY CAPS LOCK ON.
posted by muppetboy at 10:39 PM on October 21, 2005

FUNFETTUCINI FANFUNNELOONEY FLUMFIMMYFANNY
posted by moift at 10:39 PM on October 21, 2005

TURKEYS LOVE COKE
posted by Dreamghost at 10:40 PM on October 21, 2005

WHERE THAT BUNNY @?

i'm sorry. i'm so sorry.
posted by brundlefly at 10:41 PM on October 21, 2005

I DON'T DESERVE THIS TREATMENT. MAYBE SOMEONE ELSE DOES?

posted by gramschmidt at 10:42 PM on October 21, 2005

LEAPINGSHEEP DOES THIS THREAD MEAN WE CAN LONGER BE FRIENDS?????

¿
posted by Dreamghost at 10:42 PM on October 21, 2005

DREAMGHOST STOP POSTING IMAGES MY BANDWIDTH IS ALREADY CHOKING ON THESE HUGE LETTERS
posted by moift at 10:43 PM on October 21, 2005

P_G HAS BEEN WORKING OUT
posted by gramschmidt at 10:45 PM on October 21, 2005

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posted by loquacious at 10:45 PM on October 21, 2005

YOU CANT SPELL SLAUGHTER WITH OUT LAUGHTER?
posted by Dreamghost at 10:46 PM on October 21, 2005

100 POST@*^@^*@*)^@)^*@
posted by Dreamghost at 10:46 PM on October 21, 2005

100TH POST OW
posted by loquacious at 10:47 PM on October 21, 2005

NO CUTS COCONUTS
posted by loquacious at 10:47 PM on October 21, 2005

LET US TAKE A MOMENT TO HONOR THE IMMEDIATE NEIGHBORS OF THE CAPS LOCK, THOSE VENERABLE KEYBOARD MEMBERS MORE POPULARLY KNOW AS "TAB", "SHIFT", "A", AND "WIPE C DRIVE OF EVERY BOX ON THE ROUTER".

WE SALUTE YOU, FRIENDS.

*TOASTS LOUDLY*
posted by gramschmidt at 10:49 PM on October 21, 2005

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I FEEEEEEEELLLLL GOOOOOOOOOOODDDDD

MARRY ME HEISHEHUI
posted by Dreamghost at 10:50 PM on October 21, 2005

DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS
DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS
DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS
DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS
DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS
DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS
DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS
DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS
DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS
DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS
DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS
DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS DEVELOPERS

posted by moonbird at 10:51 PM on October 21, 2005

OH.......MY.....(LAKOFFF)....GOD
posted by edgeways at 10:52 PM on October 21, 2005

OH, AND 9622 V.3
posted by moonbird at 10:52 PM on October 21, 2005

WOOF
posted by loquacious at 10:53 PM on October 21, 2005

MOONBIRD YOUR HOTLINKING DIDN'T WORK SADLY

TRIPOD HATES DOMOKUN SO IT WOULD SEEM
posted by Pretty_Generic at 10:53 PM on October 21, 2005

VANDAMN'S WIFE-BEATER MAKES ME FEEL ALL FUXXY INSIDE. YES.
posted by brundlefly at 10:54 PM on October 21, 2005

HAY YOU GUYS KEEP IT DOWN I'M TRYING TO WATCH THE MOVIE "CASPER!!!"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HAHA HE'S A GHOST
posted by Sticherbeast at 10:54 PM on October 21, 2005

IT'S THE CAPS LOCH MONSTER, RUNNNNNN!!!
posted by pyramid termite at 10:54 PM on October 21, 2005

9622 V.3

SHALL I SNORT? NAH.
posted by gramschmidt at 10:55 PM on October 21, 2005

EVERYTHING IS OVERRATED UNLESS THEY'RE UNDERRATED UNLESS YOU DON'T CARE EITHER WAY
posted by philida at 10:55 PM on October 21, 2005

WHERE DO WOMEN LEARN TO USE ALL CAPS?

OKAY, GENERALIZATION TIME. IN BLOGS, WOMEN ARE LOOSER WITH THE RULES OF CAPITALIZATION THAN MEN. THIS IS NOT LAZINESS OR POOR WRITING (AT LEAST, NOT IN THE WRITERS I’M ABOUT TO CITE), IT’S TECHNIQUE USED FOR EMPHASIS. CHECK OUT DOOCE OR FINSLIPPY OR HALLEY AND YOU’LL SEE WHAT I MEAN. HERE’S A BIT FROM DOOCE:

MY MOTHER TOOK LETA FOR EIGHT HOURS YESTERDAY WITHOUT BEING ASKED TO DO SO BECAUSE SHE NO LONGER CARES WHETHER OR NOT I LIVE OR DIE. THIS DOESN’T BOTHER ME AT ALL. I MEAN, FREE BABYSITTING. AND, FINALLY, I HAVE LEVERAGE IN OUR RELATIONSHIP.

THIS IS LESS RELIABLE, BUT I’VE ALSO OBSERVED THAT SOME MORE FEMALE BLOGGERS ESCHEW PROPER CAPITALIZATION (AND PUNCTUATION) ALTOGETHER.

I’M NOT CRITICIZING THIS TECHNIQUE WHEN IT’S USED ON A PERSONAL BLOG. BLOGGING CAN AS FREE FORM OR STRUCTURED AS YOU LIKE. I’VE JUST NOTICED A REAL DISCREPANCY BETWEEN THE GENDERS IN THIS BREAKING OF THE RULES. I’M SURE EVERYBODY CAN CITE LOTS OF EXAMPLES OF MEN DOING SO, AND PLENTY OF WOMEN WHO DON’T, BUT I DEFINITELY THINK THERE’S A TREND. THE SAME WAS TRUE, I THINK, IN MY CREATIVE WRITING CLASSES AT UNIVERSITY.

ARE WOMEN ARE SEEKING BROADER MODES OF EXPRESSION BECAUSE THEY ARE, ON AVERAGE, MORE EMOTIONAL WRITERS THAN MEN?

CAPS LOCK DAY AND CONTROL V DAY BEST FRIENDS FOR LIFE
posted by moift at 10:55 PM on October 21, 2005

STICKERBEAST: OR IS HE? MAYBE HE'S alive THE ENTIRE TIME!

OR DID I JUST GIVE AWAY THE ENDING?
posted by brundlefly at 10:56 PM on October 21, 2005

YO MAMA
posted by philida at 10:56 PM on October 21, 2005

posted by Pretty_Generic at 10:58 PM on October 21, 2005

BRUNDLEFLY'S MOM? HERE? NOW? WHERE?
posted by gramschmidt at 10:58 PM on October 21, 2005

SHE WAS EATEN BY BARRY LEVINSON. SORRY.
posted by brundlefly at 11:01 PM on October 21, 2005

ACK PPTH
posted by loquacious at 11:02 PM on October 21, 2005

BRUNDLEFLY I HOPING YOU DIDN'T GIVING AWAY THE CASPER-ENDING!!!!!!!!!! OH NOE!!!!!

ALSO I AM QUITE FRIGHTENED EVEN OF LIVING THINGS THAT SEEM LIKE GHOSTS, SUCH AS PALE PEOPLE, PEOPLE WITH LOOSE, CLOTHLIKE SKIN, AND GHOULS.

OH TERROR!!!!!!!!!!!! I HIDE MY EYES NOW
posted by Sticherbeast at 11:02 PM on October 21, 2005

CRAP LOCK
posted by pyramid termite at 11:03 PM on October 21, 2005

11/18/2004 NEVAR FORGET
posted by Dreamghost at 11:03 PM on October 21, 2005

OFF-TOPIC: IS CONTEXT ON TOPIC? OFF TOPIC ON TOPIC TOPIC? IS IT POSSIBLE TO BE OFF TOPIC WHEN THE TOPIC IS NULL?

posted by gramschmidt at 11:03 PM on October 21, 2005

posted by loquacious at 11:04 PM on October 21, 2005

xmodmap -e "clear lock"
xmodmap -e "keycode 66 = Return"
posted by oonh at 11:05 PM on October 21, 2005

CAN WE COME TO CONSESUS? NO?
posted by Dreamghost at 11:05 PM on October 21, 2005

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!
posted by pyramid termite at 11:07 PM on October 21, 2005

NO
posted by loquacious at 11:07 PM on October 21, 2005

INHALE.
TAKE IN AS MUCH AIR AS YOU CAN.
THIS STORY SHOULD LAST ABOUT AS LONG AS YOU CAN HOLD YOUR BREATH, AND THEN JUST A LITTLE BIT LONGER. SO LISTEN AS FAST AS YOU CAN.
A FRIEND OF MINE, WHEN HE WAS 13 YEARS OLD HE HEARD ABOUT "PEGGING." THIS IS WHEN A GUY GETS BANGED UP THE BUTT WITH A DILDO. STIMULATE THE PROSTATE GLAND HARD ENOUGH, AND THE RUMOR IS YOU CAN HAVE EXPLOSIVE HANDS-FREE ORGASMS. AT THAT AGE, THIS FRIEND'S A LITTLE SEX MANIAC. HE'S ALWAYS JONESING FOR A BETTER WAY TO GET HIS ROCKS OFF. HE GOES OUT TO BUY A CARROT AND SOME PETROLEUM JELLY. TO CONDUCT A LITTLE PRIVATE RESEARCH. THEN HE PICTURES HOW IT'S GOING TO LOOK AT THE SUPERMARKET CHECKOUT COUNTER, THE LONELY CARROT AND PETROLEUM JELLY ROLLING DOWN THE CONVEYER BELT TOWARD THE GROCERY STORE CASHIER. ALL THE SHOPPERS WAITING IN LINE, WATCHING. EVERYONE SEEING THE BIG EVENING HE HAS PLANNED.
SO MY FRIEND, HE BUYS MILK AND EGGS AND SUGAR AND A CARROT, ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR A CARROT CAKE. AND VASELINE.
LIKE HE'S GOING HOME TO STICK A CARROT CAKE UP HIS BUTT.
AT HOME, HE WHITTLES THE CARROT INTO A BLUNT TOOL. HE SLATHERS IT WITH GREASE AND GRINDS HIS ASS DOWN ON IT. THEN, NOTHING. NO ORGASM. NOTHING HAPPENS EXCEPT IT HURTS.
THEN, THIS KID, HIS MOM YELLS IT'S SUPPER TIME. SHE SAYS TO COME DOWN, RIGHT NOW.
HE WORKS THE CARROT OUT AND STASHES THE SLIPPERY, FILTHY THING IN THE DIRTY CLOTHES UNDER HIS BED.
AFTER DINNER, HE GOES TO FIND THE CARROT, AND IT'S GONE. ALL HIS DIRTY CLOTHES, WHILE HE ATE DINNER, HIS MOM GRABBED THEM ALL TO DO LAUNDRY. NO WAY COULD SHE NOT FIND THE CARROT, CAREFULLY SHAPED WITH A PARING KNIFE FROM HER KITCHEN, STILL SHINY WITH LUBE AND STINKY.
THIS FRIEND OF MINE, HE WAITS MONTHS UNDER A BLACK CLOUD, WAITING FOR HIS FOLKS TO CONFRONT HIM. AND THEY NEV¬ER DO. EVER. EVEN NOW THAT HE'S GROWN UP, THAT INVISIBLE CARROT HANGS OVER EVERY CHRISTMAS DINNER, EVERY BIRTHDAY PARTY. EVERY EASTER EGG HUNT WITH HIS KIDS, HIS PARENTS' GRANDKIDS, THAT GHOST CARROT IS HOVERING OVER ALL OF THEM. THAT SOMETHING TOO AWFUL TO NAME.
PEOPLE IN FRANCE HAVE A PHRASE: "STAIRCASE WIT." IN FRENCH: ESPRIT DE L'ESCALIER. IT MEANS THAT MOMENT WHEN YOU FIND THE ANSWER, BUT IT'S TOO LATE. SAY YOU'RE AT A PAR¬TY AND SOMEONE INSULTS YOU. YOU HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING. SO UNDER PRESSURE, WITH EVERYBODY WATCHING, YOU SAY SOMETHING LAME. BUT THE MOMENT YOU LEAVE THE PARTY....
AS YOU START DOWN THE STAIRWAY, THEN-MAGIC. YOU COME UP WITH THE PERFECT THING YOU SHOULD'VE SAID. THE PERFECT CRIPPLING PUT-DOWN.
THAT’S THE SPIRIT OF THE STAIRWAY.
THE TROUBLE IS, EVEN THE FRENCH DON'T HAVE A PHRASE FOR THE STUPID THINGS YOU ACTUALLY DO SAY UNDER PRESSURE. THOSE STUPID, DESPERATE THINGS YOU ACTUALLY THINK OR DO.
SOME DEEDS ARE TOO LOW TO EVEN GET A NAME. TOO LOW TO EVEN GET TALKED ABOUT.
LOOKING BACK, KID-PSYCH EXPERTS, SCHOOL COUNSELORS NOW SAY THAT MOST OF THE LAST PEAK IN TEEN SUICIDE WAS KIDS TRYING TO CHOKE WHILE THEY BEAT OFF. THEIR FOLKS WOULD FIND THEM, A TOWEL TWISTED AROUND THEIR KID'S NECK, THE TOWEL TIED TO THE ROD IN THEIR BEDROOM CLOSET, THE KID DEAD. DEAD SPERM EVERY¬WHERE. OF COURSE THE FOLKS CLEANED UP. THEY PUT SOME PANTS ON THEIR KID. THEY MADE IT LOOK ... BETTER. INTENTIONAL AT LEAST. THE REGULAR KIND OF SAD TEEN SUICIDE.
ANOTHER FRIEND OF MINE, A KID FROM SCHOOL, HIS OLDER BROTHER IN THE NAVY SAID HOW GUYS IN THE MIDDLE EAST JACK OFF DIFFERENT THAN WE DO HERE. THIS BROTHER WAS STATIONED IN SOME CAMEL COUNTRY WHERE THE PUBLIC MARKET SELLS WHAT COULD BE FANCY LETTER OPENERS. EACH FANCY TOOL IS JUST A THIN ROD OF POL¬ISHED BRASS OR SILVER, MAYBE AS LONG AS YOUR HAND, WITH A BIG TIP AT ONE END, EI¬THER A BIG METAL BALL OR THE KIND OF FAN¬CY CARVED HANDLE YOU'D SEE ON A SWORD. THIS NAVY BROTHER SAYS HOW ARAB GUYS GET THEIR DICK HARD AND THEN INSERT THIS METAL ROD INSIDE THE WHOLE LENGTH OF THEIR BONER. THEY JACK OFF WITH THE ROD INSIDE, AND IT MAKES GETTING OFF SO MUCH BETTER. MORE INTENSE.
IT'S THIS BIG BROTHER WHO TRAVELS AROUND THE WORLD, SENDING BACK FRENCH PHRASES. RUSSIAN PHRASES. HELPFUL JACK-OFF TIPS.
AFTER THIS, THE LITTLE BROTHER, ONE DAY HE DOESN'T SHOW UP AT SCHOOL. THAT NIGHT, HE CALLS TO ASK IF I'LL PICK UP HIS HOMEWORK FOR THE NEXT COUPLE WEEKS. BECAUSE HE'S IN THE HOSPITAL.
HE'S GOT TO SHARE A ROOM WITH OLD PEOPLE GETTING THEIR GUTS WORKED ON. HE SAYS HOW THEY ALL HAVE TO SHARE THE SAME TELEVISION. ALL HE'S GOT FOR PRIVACY IS A CURTAIN. HIS FOLKS DON'T COME AND VISIT. ON THE PHONE, HE SAYS HOW RIGHT NOW HIS FOLKS COULD JUST KILL HIS BIG BROTHER IN THE NAVY.
ON THE PHONE, THE KID SAYS HOW-THE DAY BEFORE-HE WAS JUST A LITTLE STONED. AT HOME IN HIS BEDROOM, HE WAS FLOPPED ON THE BED. HE WAS LIGHTING A CANDLE AND FLIPPING THROUGH SOME OLD PORNO MAGAZINES, GETTING READY TO BEAT OFF. THIS IS AFTER HE'S HEARD FROM HIS NAVY BROTHER. THAT HELPFUL HINT ABOUT HOW ARABS BEAT OFF. THE KID LOOKS AROUND FOR SOMETHING THAT MIGHT DO THE JOB. A BALLPOINT PEN'S TOO BIG. A PENCIL'S TOO BIG AND ROUGH. BUT DRIPPED DOWN THE SIDE OF THE CANDLE, THERE'S A THIN, SMOOTH RIDGE OF WAX THAT JUST MIGHT WORK. WITH JUST THE TIP OF ONE FINGER, THIS KID SNAPS THE LONG RIDGE OF WAX OFF THE CANDLE. HE ROLLS IT SMOOTH BETWEEN THE PALMS OF HIS HANDS. LONG AND SMOOTH AND THIN.
STONED AND HORNY, HE SLIPS IT DOWN INSIDE, DEEPER AND DEEPER INTO THE PISS SLIT OF HIS BONER. WITH A GOOD HANK OF THE WAX STILL POKING OUT THE TOP, HE GETS TO WORK.
EVEN NOW, HE SAYS THOSE ARAB GUYS ARE PRETTY DAMN SMART. THEY'VE TOTALLY REINVENTED JACKING OFF. FLAT ON HIS BACK IN BED, THINGS ARE GETTING SO GOOD, THIS KID CAN'T KEEP TRACK OF THE WAX. HE'S ONE GOOD SQUEEZE FROM SHOOTING HIS WAD WHEN THE WAX ISN'T STICKING OUT ANYMORE.
THE THIN WAX ROD, IT'S SLIPPED INSIDE. ALL THE WAY INSIDE. SO DEEP INSIDE HE CAN'T EVEN FEEL THE LUMP OF IT INSIDE HIS PISS TUBE.
FROM DOWNSTAIRS, HIS MOM SHOUTS IT'S SUPPER TIME. SHE SAYS TO COME DOWN, RIGHT NOW. THIS WAX KID AND THE CARROT KID ARE DIFFERENT PEOPLE, BUT WE ALL LIVE PRETTY MUCH THE SAME LIFE.
IT'S AFTER DINNER WHEN THE KID'S GUTS START TO HURT. IT'S WAX, SO HE FIGURED IT WOULD JUST MELT INSIDE HIM AND HE'D PEE IT OUT. NOW HIS BACK HURTS. HIS KID¬NEYS. HE CAN'T STAND STRAIGHT.
THIS KID TALKING ON THE PHONE FROM HIS HOSPITAL BED, IN THE BACKGROUND YOU CAN HEAR BELLS DING, PEOPLE SCREAM¬ING. GAME SHOWS.
THE X-RAYS SHOW THE TRUTH, SOME¬THING LONG AND THIN, BENT DOUBLE INSIDE HIS BLADDER. THIS LONG, THIN V INSIDE HIM, IT'S COLLECTING ALL THE MINERALS IN HIS PISS. IT'S GETTING BIGGER AND ROUGHER, COATED WITH CRYSTALS OF CALCI¬UM, IT'S BUMPING AROUND, RIPPING UP THE SOFT LINING OF HIS BLADDER, BLOCKING HIS PISS FROM GETTING OUT. HIS KIDNEYS ARE BACKED UP. WHAT LITTLE THAT LEAKS OUT HIS DICK IS RED WITH BLOOD.
THIS KID AND HIS FOLKS, HIS WHOLE FAM¬ILY, THEM LOOKING AT THE BLACK X-RAY WITH THE DOCTOR AND THE NURSES STAND¬ING THERE, THE BIG V OF WAX GLOWING WHITE FOR EVERYBODY TO SEE, HE HAS TO TELL THE TRUTH. THE WAY ARABS GET OFF. WHAT HIS BIG BROTHER WROTE HIM FROM THE NAVY.
ON THE PHONE, RIGHT NOW, HE STARTS TO CRY.
THEY PAID FOR THE BLADDER OPERATION WITH HIS COLLEGE FUND. ONE STUPID MIS¬TAKE, AND NOW HE'LL NEVER BE A LAWYER.
STICKING STUFF INSIDE YOURSELF. STICK¬ING YOURSELF INSIDE STUFF. A CANDLE IN YOUR DICK OR YOUR HEAD IN A NOOSE, WE KNEW IT WAS GOING TO BE BIG TROUBLE.
WHAT GOT ME IN TROUBLE, I CALLED IT PEARL DIVING. THIS MEANT WHACKING OFF UNDERWATER, SITTING ON THE BOTTOM AT THE DEEP END OF MY PARENTS' SWIMMING POOL. WITH ONE DEEP BREATH, I'D KICK MY WAY TO THE BOTTOM AND SLIP OFF MY SWIM TRUCKS. I'D SIT DOWN THERE FOR TWO, THREE, FOUR MINUTES.
JUST FROM JACKING OFT' I HAD HUGE LUNG CAPACITY. IF I HAD THE HOUSE TO MYSELF, I'D DO THIS ALL AFTERNOON. AFTER I'D FINALLY PUMP OUT MY STUFF, MY SPERM, IT WOULD HANG THERE IN BIG, FAT, MILKY GOBS.
AFTER THAT WAS MORE DIVING, TO CATCH IT ALL. TO COLLECT IT AND WIPE EACH HAND¬FUL IN A TOWEL. THAT'S WHY IT WAS CALLED PEARL DIVING. EVEN WITH CHLORINE, THERE WAS MY SISTER TO WORRY ABOUT. OR, CHRIST ALMIGHTY, MY MOM.
THAT USED TO BE MY WORST FEAR IN THE WORLD: MY TEENAGE VIRGIN SISTER, THINK¬ING SHE'S JUST GETTING FAT, THEN GIVING BIRTH TO A TWO-HEADED, RETARD BABY. BOTH HEADS LOOKING JUST LIKE ME. ME, THE FATHER AND THE UNCLE.
IN THE END, IT'S NEVER WHAT YOU WORRY ABOUT THAT GETS YOU.
THE BEST PART OF PEARL DIVING WAS THE INLET PORT FOR THE SWIMMING POOL FILTER AND THE CIRCULATION PUMP. THE BEST PART WAS GETTING NAKED AND SIT¬TING ON IT.
AS THE FRENCH WOULD SAY, WHO DOESN'T LIKE GETTING THEIR BUTT SUCKED? STILL, ONE MINUTE YOU'RE JUST A KID GETTING OFF, AND THE NEXT MINUTE YOU'LL NEVER BE A LAWYER.
ONE MINUTE I'M SETTLING ON THE POOL BOTTOM AND THE SKY IS WAVY, LIGHT BLUE THROUGH EIGHT FEET OF WATER ABOVE MY HEAD. THE WORLD IS SILENT EXCEPT FOR THE HEARTBEAT IN MY EARS. MY YELLOW¬STRIPED SWIM TRUNKS ARE LOOPED AROUND MY NECK FOR SAFE KEEPING, JUST IN CASE A FRIEND, A NEIGHBOR, ANYBODY SHOWS UP TO ASK WHY I SKIPPED FOOT¬BALL PRACTICE. THE STEADY SUCK OF THE POOL INLET HOLE IS LAPPING AT ME AND I'M GRINDING MY SKINNY WHITE ASS AROUND ON THAT FEELING.
ONE MINUTE I'VE GOT ENOUGH AIR AND MY DICK'S IN MY HAND. MY FOLKS ARE GONE AT THEIR WORK AND MY SISTER'S GOT BALLET. NOBODY'S SUPPOSED TO BE HOME FOR HOURS.
MY HAND BRINGS ME RIGHT TO GETTING OFF, AND I STOP. I SWIM UP TO CATCH AN¬OTHER BIG BREATH. I DIVE DOWN AND SETTLE ON THE BOTTOM.
I DO THIS AGAIN AND AGAIN.
THIS MUST BE WHY GIRLS WANT TO SIT ON YOUR FACE. THE SUCTION IS LIKE TAKING A DUMP THAT NEVER ENDS. MY DICK HARD AND GETTING MY BUTT EATEN OUT, I DO NOT NEED AIR. MY HEARTBEAT IN MY EARS, I STAY UNDER UNTIL BRIGHT STARS OF LIGHT START WORMING AROUND IN MY EYES. MY LEGS STRAIGHT OUT, THE BACK OF EACH KNEE RUBBED RAW AGAINST THE CONCRETE BOT¬TOM. MY TOES ARE TURNING BLUE, MY TOES AND FINGERS WRINKLED FROM BEING SO LONG IN THE WATER.
AND THEN I LET IT HAPPEN. THE BIG WHITE GOBS START SPOUTING. THE PEARLS. IT'S THEN I NEED SOME AIR. BUT WHEN I GO TO KICK OFF AGAINST THE BOTTOM, I CAN'T. I CAN'T GET MY FEET UNDER ME. MY ASS IS STUCK.
EMERGENCY PARAMEDICS WILL TELL YOU THAT EVERY YEAR ABOUT 150 PEOPLE GET STUCK THIS WAY, SUCKED BY A CIRCULATION PUMP. GET YOUR LONG HAIR CAUGHT, OR YOUR ASS, AND YOU'RE GOING TO DROWN. EVERY YEAR, TONS OF PEOPLE DO. MOST OF THEM IN FLORIDA.
PEOPLE JUST DON'T TALK ABOUT IT. NOT EVEN FRENCH PEOPLE TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING. GETTING ONE KNEE UP, GETTING ONE FOOT TUCKED UNDER ME, I GET TO HALF STANDING WHEN I FEEL THE TUG AGAINST MY BUTT. GET¬TING MY OTHER FOOT UNDER ME, I KICK OFF AGAINST THE BOTTOM. I'M KICKING FREE, NOT TOUCHING THE CONCRETE, BUT NOT GETTING TO THE AIR, EITHER.
STILL KICKING WATER, THRASHING WITH BOTH ARMS, I'M MAYBE HALFWAY TO THE SURFACE BUT NOT GOING HIGHER. THE HEARTBEAT IN¬SIDE MY HEAD GETTING LOUD AND FAST.
THE BRIGHT SPARKS OF LIGHT CROSSING AND CRISSCROSSING MY EYES, I TURN AND LOOK BACK ... BUT IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. THIS THICK ROPE, SOME KIND OF SNAKE, BLUE¬WHITE AND BRAIDED WITH VEINS, HAS COME UP OUT OF THE POOL DRAIN AND IT'S HOLDING ON TO MY BUTT. SOME OF THE VEINS ARE LEAKING BLOOD, RED BLOOD THAT LOOKS BLACK UNDERWATER AND DRIFTS AWAY FROM LITTLE RIPS IN THE PALE SKIN OF THE SNAKE. THE BLOOD TRAILS AWAY, DISAPPEARING IN THE WATER, AND INSIDE THE SNAKE'S THIN, BLUE¬WHITE SKIN YOU CAN SEE LUMPS OF SOME HALF-DIGESTED MEAL.
THAT'S THE ONLY WAY THIS MAKES SENSE. SOME HORRIBLE SEA MONSTER, A SEA SERPENT, SOMETHING THAT'S NEVER SEEN THE LIGHT OF DAY, IT'S BEEN HIDING IN THE DARK BOTTOM OF THE POOL DRAIN, WAITING TO EAT ME.
SO ...I KICK AT IT, AT THE SLIPPERY, RUB¬BERY KNOTTED SKIN AND VEINS OF IT, AND MORE OF IT SEEMS TO PULL OUT OF THE POOL DRAIN. IT'S MAYBE AS LONG AS MY LEG NOW, BUT STILL HOLDING TIGHT AROUND MY BUTT¬HOLE. WITH ANOTHER KICK, I'M AN INCH CLOSER TO GETTING ANOTHER BREATH. STILL FEELING THE SNAKE TUG AT MY ASS, I'M AN INCH CLOSER TO MY ESCAPE.
KNOTTED INSIDE THE SNAKE, YOU CAN SEE CORN AND PEANUTS. YOU CAN SEE A LONG BRIGHT-ORANGE BALL. IT'S THE KIND OF HORSE¬PILL VITAMIN MY DAD MAKES ME TAKE, TO HELP PUT ON WEIGHT. TO GET A FOOTBALL SCHOLARSHIP. WITH EXTRA IRON AND OMEGA¬THREE FATTY ACIDS.
IT'S SEEING THAT VITAMIN PILL THAT SAVES MY LIFE.
IT'S NOT A SNAKE. IT'S MY LARGE INTESTINE, MY COLON PULLED OUT OF ME. WHAT DOCTORS CALL PROLAPSED. IT'S MY GUTS SUCKED INTO THE DRAIN.
PARAMEDICS WILL TELL YOU A SWIMMING POOL PUMP PULLS 80 GALLONS OF WATER EVERY MINUTE. THAT'S ABOUT 400 POUNDS OF PRESSURE. THE BIG PROBLEM IS WE'RE ALL CONNECTED TOGETHER INSIDE. YOUR ASS IS JUST THE FAR END OF YOUR MOUTH. IF I LET GO, THE PUMP KEEPS WORKING-UNRAVEL¬ING MY INSIDES-UNTIL IT'S GOT MY TONGUE. IMAGINE TAKING A 400-POUND SHIT AND YOU CAN SEE HOW THIS MIGHT TURN YOU INSIDE OUT.
WHAT I CAN TELL YOU IS YOUR GUTS DON'T FEEL MUCH PAIN. NOT THE WAY YOUR SKIN FEELS PAIN. THE STUFF YOU'RE DIGESTING, DOCTORS CALL IT FECAL MATTER. HIGHER UP IS CHYME, POCKETS OF A THIN, RUNNY MESS STUDDED WITH CORN AND PEANUTS AND ROUND GREEN PEAS.
THAT'S ALL THIS SOUP OF BLOOD AND CORN, SHIT AND SPERM AND PEANUTS FLOATING AROUND ME. EVEN WITH MY GUTS UNRAVEL¬ING OUT MY ASS, ME HOLDING ON TO WHAT'S LEFT, EVEN THEN MY FIRST WANT IS TO SOME¬HOW GET MY SWIMSUIT BACK ON.
GOD FORBID MY FOLKS SEE MY DICK.
MY ONE HAND HOLDING A FIST AROUND MY ASS, MY OTHER HAND SNAGS MY YELLOW¬STRIPED SWIM TRUNKS AND PULLS THEM FROM AROUND MY NECK. STILL, GETTING INTO THEM IS IMPOSSIBLE.
YOU WANT TO FEEL YOUR INTESTINES, GO BUY A PACK OF THOSE LAMBSKIN CONDOMS. TAKE ONE OUT AND UNROLL IT. PACK IT WITH PEANUT BUTTER. SMEAR IT WITH PETROLEUM JELLY AND HOLD IT UNDER WATER. THEN TRY TO TEAR IT. TRY TO PULL IT IN HALF. IT'S TOO TOUGH AND RUBBERY. IT'S SO SLIMY YOU CAN'T HOLD ON.
A LAMBSKIN CONDOM, THAT'S JUST PLAIN OLD INTESTINE.
YOU CAN SEE WHAT I'M UP AGAINST.
YOU LET GO FOR A SECOND AND YOU'RE GUTTED.
YOU SWIM FOR THE SURFACE, FOR A BREATH, AND YOU'RE GUTTED.
YOU DON'T SWIM AND YOU DROWN.
IT'S A CHOICE BETWEEN BEING DEAD RIGHT NOW OR A MINUTE FROM RIGHT NOW.
WHAT MY FOLKS WILL FIND AFTER WORK IS A BIG NAKED FETUS, CURLED IN ON ITSELF. FLOATING IN THE CLOUDY WATER OF THEIR BACKYARD POOL. TETHERED TO THE BOTTOM BY A THICK ROPE OF VEINS AND TWISTED GUTS. THE OPPOSITE OF A KID HANGING HIMSELF TO DEATH WHILE HE JACKS OFF. THIS IS THE BABY THEY BROUGHT HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL 13 YEARS AGO. HERE'S THE KID THEY HOPED WOULD SNAG A FOOTBALL SCHOL¬ARSHIP AND GET AN MBA. WHO'D CARE FOR THEM IN THEIR OLD AGE. HERE'S ALL THEIR HOPES AND DREAMS. FLOATING HERE, NAKED AND DEAD. ALL AROUND HIM, BIG MILKY PEARLS OF WASTED SPERM.
EITHER THAT OR MY FOLKS WILL FIND ME WRAPPED IN A BLOODY TOWEL, COLLAPSED HALFWAY FROM THE POOL TO THE KITCHEN TELE¬PHONE, THE RAGGED, TORN SCRAP OF MY GUTS STILL HANGING OUT THE LEG OF MY YELLOW¬STRIPED SWIM TRUNKS.
WHAT EVEN THE FRENCH WON'T TALK ABOUT.
THAT BIG BROTHER IN THE NAVY, HE TAUGHT US ONE OTHER GOOD PHRASE. A RUSSIAN PHRASE. THE WAY WE SAY, "I NEED THAT LIKE I NEED A HOLE IN MY HEAD...," RUSSIAN PEOPLE SAY, "I NEED THAT LIKE I NEED TEETH IN MY ASSHOLE......
MNE ETO NADO KAK ZUBY V ZADNITSE.
THOSE STORIES ABOUT HOW ANIMALS CAUGHT IN A TRAP WILL CHEW OFF THEIR LEG, WELL, ANY COYOTE WOULD TELL YOU A COUPLE BITES BEATS THE HELL OUT OF BEING DEAD.
HELL ... EVEN IF YOU'RE RUSSIAN, SOMEDAY YOU JUST MIGHT WANT THOSE TEETH.
OTHERWISE, WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO IS¬YOU HAVE TO TWIST AROUND. YOU HOOK ONE ELBOW BEHIND YOUR KNEE AND PULL THAT LEG UP INTO YOUR FACE. YOU BITE AND SNAP AT YOUR OWN ASS. YOU RUN OUT OF AIR AND YOU WILL CHEW THROUGH ANYTHING TO GET THAT NEXT BREATH.
IT'S NOT SOMETHING YOU WANT TO TELL A GIRL ON THE FIRST DATE. NOT IF YOU EXPECT A KISS GOOD NIGHT.
IF I TOLD YOU HOW IT TASTED, YOU WOULD NEVER, EVER AGAIN EAT CALAMARI.
IT'S HARD TO SAY WHAT MY PARENTS WERE MORE DISGUSTED BY: HOW I'D GOT IN TROU¬BLE OR HOW I'D SAVED MYSELF. AFTER THE HOSPITAL, MY MOM SAID, "YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHAT YOU WERE DOING, HONEY. YOU WERE IN SHOCK." AND SHE LEARNED HOW TO COOK POACHED EGGS.
ALL THOSE PEOPLE GROSSED OUT OR FEELING SORRY FOR ME....
I NEED THAT LIKE I NEED TEETH IN MY ASSHOLE.
NOWADAYS, PEOPLE ALWAYS TELL ME I LOOK TOO SKINNY. PEOPLE AT DINNER PARTIES GET ALL QUIET AND PISSED OFF WHEN I DON'T EAT THE POT ROAST THEY COOKED. POT ROAST KILLS ME. BAKED HAM. ANYTHING THAT HANGS AROUND INSIDE MY GUTS FOR LONGER THAN A COUPLE OF HOURS, IT COMES OUT STILL FOOD. HOME-COOKED LIMA BEANS OR CHUNK LIGHT TUNA FISH, I'LL STAND UP AND FIND IT STILL SITTING THERE IN THE TOILET.
AFTER YOU HAVE A RADICAL BOWEL RESEC¬TIONING, YOU DON'T DIGEST MEAT SO GREAT. MOST PEOPLE, YOU HAVE FIVE FEET OF LARGE INTESTINE. I'M LUCKY TO HAVE MY SIX INCH¬ES. SO I NEVER GOT A FOOTBALL SCHOLARSHIP. NEVER GOT AN MBA. BOTH MY FRIENDS, THE WAX KID AND THE CARROT KID, THEY GREW UP, GOT BIG, BUT I'VE NEVER WEIGHED A POUND MORE THAN I DID THAT DAY WHEN I WAS 13.
ANOTHER BIG PROBLEM WAS MY FOLKS PAID A LOT OF GOOD MONEY FOR THAT SWIM¬MING POOL. IN THE END MY DAD JUST TOLD THE POOL GUY IT WAS A DOG. THE FAMILY DOG FELL IN AND DROWNED. THE DEAD BODY GOT PULLED INTO THE PUMP. EVEN WHEN THE POOL GUY CRACKED OPEN THE FILTER CASING AND FISHED OUT A RUBBERY TUBE, A WATERY HANK OF INTESTINE WITH A BIG ORANGE VITA¬MIN PILL STILL INSIDE, EVEN THEN MY DAD JUST SAID, "THAT DOG WAS FUCKING NUTS."
EVEN FROM MY UPSTAIRS BEDROOM WINDOW, YOU COULD HEAR MY DAD SAY, "WE COULDN'T TRUST THAT DOG ALONE FOR A SECOND...."
THEN MY SISTER MISSED HER PERIOD.
EVEN AFTER THEY CHANGED THE POOL WATER, AFTER THEY SOLD THE HOUSE AND WE MOVED TO ANOTHER STATE, AFTER MY SISTER'S ABORTION, EVEN THEN MY FOLKS NEVER MEN¬TIONED IT AGAIN.
EVER.
THAT IS OUR INVISIBLE CARROT.
YOU. NOW YOU CAN TAKE A GOOD, DEEP BREATH.
I STILL HAVE NOT.

~CHUCK PALAHNIUK FOR CAPS LOCK DAY
posted by moift at 11:08 PM on October 21, 2005

_,~=~,_~=~LONGEST COMMENT~=~,_,~=~,_
posted by moift at 11:09 PM on October 21, 2005

YES (successfully)

Also...

posted by clevershark at 11:11 PM on October 21, 2005

I WILL FEAST UPON THE SOULS OF THE UNBELIEVERS
posted by Stauf at 11:12 PM on October 21, 2005

Say, isn't today caps lock day?
posted by Sparx at 11:12 PM on October 21, 2005

YES IT IS CAP LOCKS DAY ... IS YOUR CAPS LOCK KEY BORKEN?????
posted by pyramid termite at 11:14 PM on October 21, 2005

posted by Dreamghost at 11:14 PM on October 21, 2005

I HATE CAPITALISTS
posted by TwelveTwo at 11:14 PM on October 21, 2005

MUHAHAHAHA WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?!?!?!?
posted by clevershark at 11:15 PM on October 21, 2005

posted by moonbird at 11:15 PM on October 21, 2005

CAPS LOCK DAY AND CONTROL V DAY BEST FRIENDS FOR LIFE

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO CONTROL VD EVERY DAY!
posted by kenko at 11:16 PM on October 21, 2005

HAV U READ MY BLOG ABT ME?
posted by bardic at 11:17 PM on October 21, 2005

EVERYONE HERE IS GOING TO HELL. I MEAN EVERYONE. ESPECIALLY YOU, CLEVERSHARK

posted by Stauf at 11:20 PM on October 21, 2005

METAFILTER: TONS OF PEOPLE DO. MOST OF THEM IN FLORIDA.
posted by loquacious at 11:20 PM on October 21, 2005

TAP LOCK!! DAMNIT!!
posted by pyramid termite at 11:20 PM on October 21, 2005

MOIFT: GAH!

gah.
posted by brundlefly at 11:22 PM on October 21, 2005

GET THEE TO A NUNNERY!!!
posted by 517 at 11:23 PM on October 21, 2005

FWAP FWAP FWAP LOCK
posted by pyramid termite at 11:23 PM on October 21, 2005

posted by moonbird at 11:24 PM on October 21, 2005

YOU KNOW WHO ELSE USED CAPS LOCK?? HITLER!!
posted by mr.marx at 11:24 PM on October 21, 2005

CAPS LOCK!

CAPS LOCK!

LOVELY LOVELY

CAPS LOCK.

CAPS LOCK CAPS LOCK!

eat this up. YUM!
posted by goofyfoot at 11:25 PM on October 21, 2005

BARRY LEVINSON ATE HITLER, SO THAT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER, DOES IT?
posted by brundlefly at 11:26 PM on October 21, 2005

HITLER HAS ONLY GOT ONE BALL
GOERING HAS TWO BUT VERY SMALL
HIMMLER HAS SOMETHING SIMMLER
BUT POOR OLD GOEBBELS HAS GOT NONE AT ALL
posted by pyramid termite at 11:31 PM on October 21, 2005

I DON'T LIKE CHUCK PALAHNIUK HE IS VERY LIMITED IN HIS NARRATIVE STYLE ALSO BITING OFF YOUR OWN COLON IS BAD
posted by Pretty_Generic at 11:32 PM on October 21, 2005

AND THEY SAY K5 IS THE TROLL CAPITAL OF THE INTARWEBS.
posted by SirOmega at 11:34 PM on October 21, 2005

CONSIDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES
posted by goofyfoot at 11:34 PM on October 21, 2005

posted by moift at 11:34 PM on October 21, 2005

I THOUGHT THAT SAID DAD'S ELECTRA AND CUMMINGS' DID SUCK IT
THAT SHOULD BE SELF EXPLANATORY
posted by philida at 11:34 PM on October 21, 2005

GOOD NIGHT AND MEOW!!
posted by pyramid termite at 11:34 PM on October 21, 2005

I DON'T LIKE CHUCK PALAHNIUK HE IS VERY LIMITED IN HIS NARRATIVE STYLE ALSO BITING OFF YOUR OWN COLON IS BAD

BOTH POINTS WELL TAKEN
posted by moift at 11:35 PM on October 21, 2005

PEOPLE THINK THAT HAPPENED TO CHUCK.

SOME PEOPLE ARE IDIOTS.
posted by kosher_jenny at 11:35 PM on October 21, 2005

I'M GETTING A HEADACHE FROM ALL THIS SHOUTING
posted by clevershark at 11:35 PM on October 21, 2005

I ENJOY CHUCK PALAHNIUK A GREAT DEAL BUT HE CAN BE A ONE TRICK PONY. HE IMITATES BETTERS AND LESSERS IMITATE HIM, BUT I DO ENJOY THAT STORY. READING IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I'M BEING PUSHED OUT A WINDOW AND FALLING

ALSO, PENIX.
posted by Sticherbeast at 11:36 PM on October 21, 2005

FAILURE IS THE BEST WAY TO LEARN. OR FORMAL INSTRUCTION.
posted by gramschmidt at 11:37 PM on October 21, 2005

I BIT OFF CHUCK PALAHNIUK. I'M DOING OKAY WITHOUT HIM THOUGH.
posted by brundlefly at 11:37 PM on October 21, 2005

EIGHT COMMENTS WITHOUT AN IMAGE? HEAVENS.

posted by gramschmidt at 11:38 PM on October 21, 2005

I DON'T KNOW WOMEN WHO USE ALL CAPS WITH ANY REGULARILTY OR ANY LIKE VARIATION THEREOF AS WELL AS THE FACT THAT MANY GAMES INVOLVE A SINGLE BALL AND I WOULD LIKE A DOMOKUN THAT DOES NOT LOOK LIKE IT HAS ALREADY BEEN USED FOR THINGS I DON'T WANT TO KNOW
MAYBE ONE OF THOSE MICROBE PLUSHIES OR THE SWEETEST FETUS FOR SCOTUS
posted by philida at 11:38 PM on October 21, 2005

YOU KNOW WHO ELSE USED CAPS LOCK?? HITLER!!

HITLER HAS ONLY GOT ONE BALL
GOERING HAS TWO BUT VERY SMALL
HIMMLER HAS SOMETHING SIMMLER
BUT POOR OLD GOEBBELS HAS GOT NONE AT ALL

DO NOT LAUGH AT ME!!!!

posted by Stauf at 11:39 PM on October 21, 2005 [1 favorite]

I'M GETTING A HEADACHE FROM ALL THIS SHOUTING

SORRY. DOES THIS HELP?
posted by kosher_jenny at 11:40 PM on October 21, 2005

THIS THREAD IS DRUNKEN MAYHEM ON AN EPIC SCALE.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

posted by keswick at 11:41 PM on October 21, 2005 [1 favorite]

posted by Dreamghost at 11:43 PM on October 21, 2005

WORD! HOLY SHIT moift YOU FREAK!
posted by AllesKlar at 11:45 PM on October 21, 2005

DREAMGHOST IS GIFTASTIC.
posted by brundlefly at 11:45 PM on October 21, 2005

posted by mr.marx at 11:45 PM on October 21, 2005

Ach so! Sehr shrecklich!
posted by gramschmidt at 11:47 PM on October 21, 2005

.
posted by mildred-pitt at 11:47 PM on October 21, 2005

BEING LOQUACIOUS IS BETTER THAT BEING UBIQUITOUS AND OVER EXPOSED BUT VOLUME DOES NOT EQUAL QUALITY AND BOUND IS ON IFC RIGHT NOW BUT I'M NOT REALLY WATCHING IT AS THERE ARE SEVERAL DVDS ON THE FLOOR I HAVEN'T GOTTEN TO EITHER SO I CHANGED MY SUBSCRIPTION TYPE BUT KNOW MOVIES I WOULD LIKE TO SEE ON A BIG SCREEN. COULD WE GET A MONTHLYMEFITEMOVIE SCREENING IN A ROVING GLOBAL TOUR IF I HELP WITH THE MANAGEMENT ARRAIGNMENTS? PLEASE DO NOT RESPOND IN THIS THREAD BUT IT'S A THOUGHT AS I HAVE NEVER SEEN THE WIZARD OF OZ WITH PINK FLOYDS ON OR EVEN MORE THAN ONE ATTEMPT AT ZAREEKA
posted by philida at 11:51 PM on October 21, 2005

WORDS 2 LIVE BUY

AM I RIT??
posted by Dreamghost at 11:52 PM on October 21, 2005

DAMN IF I HAD IFC I WOULD BE JERKING IT RIGHT NOW?

=/
posted by Dreamghost at 11:52 PM on October 21, 2005

DO YOU MEAN: HUGH LAURIE? BECAUSE THAT'S TWO WORDS
I THINK YOU SHOULD LIVE BEFORE YOU BUY AS WELL
posted by philida at 11:54 PM on October 21, 2005

BOUND ROKZ. BEATS THE LIVING FUCK OUTTA MATRIX. WACKOWSKI'S HAVE TO REGAIN SOME GROUND IN MY HIGHLY DISCERNING, ALOOF OPINION. SNORT, SNORT.

YEAH.
posted by brundlefly at 11:55 PM on October 21, 2005

PHILIDA U HAVE IFC?
posted by Dreamghost at 11:55 PM on October 21, 2005

YOU FREAK!

I DIDN'T WRITE IT CHUCK PALAHAUHIUK DID

BUT I AM THE CANDLE WAX GUY AND I WILL NEVER BE A LAWYER :[
posted by moift at 11:56 PM on October 21, 2005

UGOTNEIFC???
posted by moift at 11:57 PM on October 21, 2005

yes, i do, but the blue is like the sea and i'm taking the riptide out
i just don't drink nearly as much as the rest of you or it doesn't do nearly the same thing to me.
posted by philida at 11:58 PM on October 21, 2005

OBLIGATORY

SRY
posted by Pretty_Generic at 11:58 PM on October 21, 2005

BOUND UNRATED DVDRIP XVID .TORRENT CLICK CLICK
posted by Dreamghost at 11:58 PM on October 21, 2005

THIS IS FOX CANCELLING FUTURAMA
posted by Pretty_Generic at 11:59 PM on October 21, 2005

oh, and it's my birthday so go blow bubbles
BLOW BUBBLES IT'S MY BIRFDAY
BLOW BUBBLES BLOW BUBBLES BLOW
and buy a lottery ticket for charity
posted by philida at 11:59 PM on October 21, 2005

NUFF SAID
posted by Dreamghost at 11:59 PM on October 21, 2005

THIS JUST IN DUKE NUKEM FOREVER HAS LICENSED THE SKIFREE ENGINE
posted by moift at 12:00 AM on October 22, 2005

I THINK I KNOW THAT GUY
posted by philida at 12:00 AM on October 22, 2005

woah

SORRY I TYPED THAT WITH SHIFT DOWN FOR EXTRA EMPHASIS IT BACKFIRED
posted by Pretty_Generic at 12:01 AM on October 22, 2005

THIS IS P_G RECYCLING A GIF

posted by gramschmidt at 12:02 AM on October 22, 2005

PATIENCE
posted by Dreamghost at 12:03 AM on October 22, 2005

YOU DON'T LIKE IT WHY DON'T YOU BITE ME OH WAIT IT IS BECAUSE I AM A VAMPIRE

posted by Pretty_Generic at 12:04 AM on October 22, 2005

TYPING IN ALL CAPS MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I'M WRITING A TELEGRAM STOP

EXCEPT I'VE NEVER WRITTEN A REAL TELEGRAM IN MY LIFE STOP

I KNOW THERE ARE ABBREVIATIONS AND SHIT AND SOME KIND OF CONCISE GRAMMAR STOP

ALSO IS THIS HOW YOU HANDLE QUESTIONS INTERROGATIVE STOP

OR AM I THINKING OF SOME BAD SCIENCE FICTION AGAIN STOP

JESUS CHRIST I WISH I WAS DRUNK

STOP
posted by S.C. at 12:05 AM on October 22, 2005

GEORGE BUSH SHOULD GET THIS JPG FOR HIS XMAS CARDS
posted by Dreamghost at 12:07 AM on October 22, 2005

TEN DOLL HAIRS TO THE FURST 1 2 POST A KELET.

UNTIL THEN:

posted by gramschmidt at 12:07 AM on October 22, 2005

A PICTURE IS WORTH ONLY A 1000 BRAINS?
posted by Dreamghost at 12:08 AM on October 22, 2005

IF I HAD A TUMOR I'D NAME IT MOFIT
NOT MOIFT
AND I THINK THE MOVIE OF SLAVES OF NEW YORK WAS BETTER THAN THE BOOK AS WELL
THIS MAKES MY THROAT TENSE EVEN THOUGH I'M TYPING AND I'M TRYING TO AUDIOBLOG YOU SOUNDLESS FREAKS
IT'S LIKE SPACE WITH NO ONE HEARING YOU SCREAM
AND THAT'S HOW I LIKE IT
posted by philida at 12:12 AM on October 22, 2005

ROD STEWERT KILLED TRACKBACKS

IF YA THINK IMA SEXY???

2
0
0

P
O
S
T
posted by Dreamghost at 12:13 AM on October 22, 2005

TELEGRAMS ARE EXPENSIVE AND THANK YOU GRAMSCHMIDT
bye.
posted by philida at 12:13 AM on October 22, 2005

DID THEY HAVE TO ESCAPE THINGS IN TELEGRAMS LIKE 'DON'T \STOP THINKING ABOUT TOMORROW STOP' OR WHAT HOW DOES THAT WORK
posted by moift at 12:13 AM on October 22, 2005

OH FUCK OW
posted by loquacious at 12:19 AM on October 22, 2005

THE POWER OF HASSELHOFF COMPELLS YOU

posted by Stauf at 12:19 AM on October 22, 2005

WOBBLY

posted by Superfrankenstein at 12:21 AM on October 22, 2005

OH GOD NOT THE HASSLEHOFFIAN SETS!
posted by loquacious at 12:22 AM on October 22, 2005

WO

IST

MEIN

KELET?

BITTE!
posted by gramschmidt at 12:22 AM on October 22, 2005

OFF TOPIC: SUPERFRANKENSTEIN UR SITE KICKS ASS! YES IT DOES!!!~

^5 PLAYAH
posted by Dreamghost at 12:23 AM on October 22, 2005

posted by Dreamghost at 12:23 AM on October 22, 2005

I WOULD SETTLE FOR A BUNCHIE.
posted by gramschmidt at 12:25 AM on October 22, 2005

Hehehe, Jean-Claude Van Damme. When will you learn?
posted by nthdegx at 12:25 AM on October 22, 2005

BUNCHIE

posted by moift at 12:26 AM on October 22, 2005

YOUR ALL GAY HAHAHAH
posted by greasy_skillet at 12:27 AM on October 22, 2005

NAH UH

posted by eatitlive at 12:28 AM on October 22, 2005

posted by Dreamghost at 12:29 AM on October 22, 2005

OW FUCK MY EYE!!
posted by loquacious at 12:30 AM on October 22, 2005

ARE YOU ALL REET?
that's for jessamattandfamilies and all mods who are rockers specifically
but the first 20 people i guess
posted by philida at 12:33 AM on October 22, 2005

I THINK WHEN PEOPLE TALK ABOUT "BEST OF THE WEB" IN META I DO BELIVE THERE REFFERING TO THIS POST?

AM I RIT?
posted by Dreamghost at 12:34 AM on October 22, 2005

IS THIS A LEGAL RIT?
I'M LEAVING BEFORE I POST LE FIL/T
HAS LEFT THE BUILDING FOR ALL CONCERNS
viva la frunch
posted by philida at 12:36 AM on October 22, 2005

OH MAN AND I THOUGHT NOTHING COULD TOP SCROLL LOCK DAY
posted by moift at 12:38 AM on October 22, 2005

FUCK THIS NEW SCHOOL SHIT!!!!

SHIFT LOCK 4L!!!

BITERS!!!

LOAD "*",8,1
posted by wakko at 12:40 AM on October 22, 2005

10 for J = 1 to N : N = RND(1)*10000 : ? "WAKKO EATS BUTT SOAP" : NEXT J : GOTO 10 : END : MUTHAFUCKA
posted by loquacious at 12:46 AM on October 22, 2005

DID THEY HAVE TO ESCAPE THINGS IN TELEGRAMS LIKE 'DON'T \STOP THINKING ABOUT TOMORROW STOP' OR WHAT HOW DOES THAT WORK

CAN NE1 ANSWER THIS I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW AS WELL TIA
posted by moift at 12:50 AM on October 22, 2005

LOCK EVERY CAPS!
posted by flaneur at 1:02 AM on October 22, 2005

i WOULD LIKE TO MAKE A POINT, THOUGH i WORRY i'LL JUST COME OFF AS UNFAIR. jUST BECAUSE IT IS iNTERNATIONAL cAPSLOCK dAY, JUST BECAUSE YOUR cAPS lOCK KEY IS ACTIVATED, DOES NOT EXCUSE YOU FROM MAKING AN EFFORT TO PROPERLY CAPITALIZE YOUR POSTS. pLEASE. pLEASE. pLEASE. sOME OF US ARE TRYING TO GET SOME SLEEP.
posted by nobody at 1:14 AM on October 22, 2005

{a3S6, /3EASE N6 N4036C2 DAY TH5S YEAR. s60E 6F 4S HAVE 3A/T6/S, AND N4036C2 0A2ES 5T VERY HARD T6 C6004N5CATE. ERR, VERY HARD T6 SAY ANYTH5NG. SEND HE3/.}
posted by nobody at 1:18 AM on October 22, 2005

posted by wah at 1:19 AM on October 22, 2005

MY GOD, IT'S FULL OF STARS111
posted by Charlie Bucket at 1:20 AM on October 22, 2005

OMG TIS SHIT 2 FUNNY!!11!!!

HEY NE1 HEAR SENE THIS PIC B4? OMFG I LOLZ

GTG, PLOS. L8Z ALL.
posted by woj at 1:21 AM on October 22, 2005

HAY
posted by mayfly wake at 1:21 AM on October 22, 2005

posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 1:21 AM on October 22, 2005

i listen to nobody but appreciate a good bucket
posted by philida at 1:21 AM on October 22, 2005

hello, everyone. are we having fun on this uneventful day? I went to this concert and now my ears are ringing.
posted by angry modem at 1:25 AM on October 22, 2005

^
'-------- TIS GUY IS A TOTTAL LAMERZ

LAWLZZZZZZZ
posted by woj at 1:25 AM on October 22, 2005

UNEVENTFUL MORE LIKE FUNEVENTFUL, AM I RITE?
posted by mayfly wake at 1:27 AM on October 22, 2005

RITE U R!!!
posted by wah at 1:28 AM on October 22, 2005

{S WELCOME}
{S WELCOME}
{S GOTMAIL}
{S GOODBYE}
posted by woj at 1:33 AM on October 22, 2005

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE FUN, SO I THOUGHT I'D ADD THIS TO THE INSANITY.

posted by Pink Fuzzy Bunny at 1:37 AM on October 22, 2005

NO DUDE, YOU ARE THE HOMO!

posted by numlok at 1:39 AM on October 22, 2005

HURRAY 4 COCK SLAP DAY. TAKE THAT YU DUM ROOSTER!
posted by Sparx at 1:43 AM on October 22, 2005

WHO PICKED THIS DAY AND WHY and why isn't it in the wiki?
posted by philida at 1:44 AM on October 22, 2005

NE1 NO HOW 2 HACK A HOTMAIL EMAIL????!1 IM ME

posted by woj at 1:44 AM on October 22, 2005

I ASHED ON MY LAP AND HERE END ETH THE LESSEN

posted by philida at 1:46 AM on October 22, 2005

IN ALL OF THIS CHAOS, IS THIS WHEN WE CAN FINALLY GET AROUND TO DISCUSSING MY TESTICLES?
posted by chasing at 1:48 AM on October 22, 2005

EVEN WHEN I AM TYPING THIS I REFUSE TO USE THE CAPS LOCK. IT IS EVIL AND SHOULD BE BANNED:

OKTHANKSBYE
posted by SharQ at 1:49 AM on October 22, 2005

posted by numlok at 1:55 AM on October 22, 2005

<B0N3RTR0N1> ANY HOT GIRLZ WANNA CYBER??
<B0N3RTR0N1> PRESS 1 NOW
<B0N3RTR0N1> 15/M/CA
posted by woj at 2:00 AM on October 22, 2005

OH NOES I'M LAT

LAWL LAWL LAWL FAG LAWL

ZOMG!!!111!!111!ELEVEN

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

posted by Tikirific at 2:01 AM on October 22, 2005

GAZ, I'M ME
posted by samstarling at 2:07 AM on October 22, 2005

GENTLEMEN. IT'S TIME. LET'S FUCK THIS DONKEY.
posted by loquacious at 2:08 AM on October 22, 2005

BULLETS!

MY ONLY WEAKNESS!

HOW DID YOU KNOW?!?!?!?
posted by wakko at 2:14 AM on October 22, 2005

posted by ori at 2:29 AM on October 22, 2005

posted by I Love Tacos at 2:29 AM on October 22, 2005

GOOD LUCK MR GORSKY
posted by I Love Tacos at 2:31 AM on October 22, 2005

** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG ** ** OMFG **
posted by ori at 2:32 AM on October 22, 2005