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It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.
January 17, 2006 10:42 PM   Subscribe

You are the President. It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.
posted by five fresh fish (44 comments total) 2 users marked this as a favorite

 
Get torch

N

D

D

D

D

Search

Get hookers and blow

Inhale hookers

Fuck blow

Start shit in oil rich country fulla Godless brown people

Press shiny red button
posted by loquacious at 10:55 PM on January 17, 2006


He did all that without a nasty looking knife, a length of rope and a sandwitch? I call BS.
posted by Balisong at 10:57 PM on January 17, 2006


Beautiful post! Loved it loved it loved it! It makes me want to dig out my copy of Zork and play, and also makes me want to move to Canada.
posted by newfers at 10:59 PM on January 17, 2006




> XYZZY
A hollow voice says, "Fool".

posted by IshmaelGraves at 11:07 PM on January 17, 2006


Hat Maui: Heh, I thought of that, too. That's probably the best one liner on MetaFilter, ever. Thanks, P_G, wherever/whomever you are.
posted by loquacious at 11:08 PM on January 17, 2006


I think P_G was later banned for hacking, wasn't he? Bit of a shame... a miscreant that made good comments.
posted by Malor at 11:19 PM on January 17, 2006


Anyone know of other good Zork-like scripts? I thought this one was particularly well-done for the genre.
posted by five fresh fish at 11:23 PM on January 17, 2006


I've got my black t-shirt. bigfont smallfont.
posted by Protocols of the Elders of Awesome at 12:06 AM on January 18, 2006


I voted for him, and that was pretty damn funny.
posted by cribcage at 12:32 AM on January 18, 2006


I love the addition in the comments:


> GET WMD
I don't see that here!

> LEAVE IRAQ
You are in a maze of twisty little passages, all the same.


Great, great post. Thank you, fivefreshfish!
posted by longdaysjourney at 12:32 AM on January 18, 2006


my state is glowing with a faint blue glow.
posted by jeremy b at 12:49 AM on January 18, 2006


Well-played by our very own (can we still call people who almost never post here any more 'our very own'? Sure, why the hell not!) shadowkeeper.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 12:50 AM on January 18, 2006


Good stuff, cheers.
posted by slimepuppy at 1:47 AM on January 18, 2006


Awesome. Now do it with nethack!
posted by hoverboards don't work on water at 2:16 AM on January 18, 2006


I've always seen Bush as more of a Leisure Suit Larry kinda guy.

Instead of trying to get laid, he's trying to be validated by his father and God. With hilarious concequences!
posted by slimepuppy at 2:19 AM on January 18, 2006


1. the agnew comment was the single best comment ever made on this site, even if he was a douchebag.

2. You are running for the office of President of The United States. The results declare you the loser after Florida goes to Gore.

>Call Jeb.

Jeb Bush cheats for you, assuring you the undeserved victory in Florida.

>Remember to cheat again in 4 years.

You tell Karl Rove to remember to cheat again in 4 years for you.

>_
posted by shmegegge at 3:06 AM on January 18, 2006


Brilliant!

*fires up ADVENTURE on emulator*
posted by Meredith at 3:16 AM on January 18, 2006


That Matthew Baldwin is one funny bastard.
posted by graventy at 3:23 AM on January 18, 2006


I voted for him, and that was pretty damn funny.

>Look for hope.

There is no hope to be found.

posted by Tommy Gnosis at 5:21 AM on January 18, 2006


> GET WMD
I don't see that here!


>BLAME DEMOCRATS
The media duly reports that the Democratic Party hindered the search for WMD.

>BLAME IRAN
The media duly reports that Iran hindered the search for WMD.

>CLEAR BRUSH
Cleared. My, this ranch looks clean now!
posted by eriko at 5:25 AM on January 18, 2006


This is really exceedingly clever. Excellent stuff.
posted by Dr. Wu at 5:25 AM on January 18, 2006


Wow. Mind is blown. I just forwarded this to my Dad, who got me playing Zork at the age of 8. This was akin to some sort of medieval apprenticeship in fantasy problem-solving, which has stood me in good stead in my adult life.

Not only did I know I wasn't the only one until today, I'm excited about the T-shirts. Gift idea .
posted by Miko at 5:46 AM on January 18, 2006


Funny. I'd forward it, but I don't know anyone who played Zork besides me.
posted by fungible at 5:55 AM on January 18, 2006


For people who don't get it, see Colossal Cave and Zork.

Ahh, the memories...
posted by mrbill at 6:52 AM on January 18, 2006


That is great!
posted by SisterHavana at 7:11 AM on January 18, 2006


Because someone (might have) asked, here ore is some more non-political text game humor, as Hamlet the Text Adventure is sadly shut down:

Lowbrow: Gold Key (fake transcript)

Highbrow: Modernism (text adventure of Waiting for Godot and No Exit) [partial transcript here]
posted by blahblahblah at 7:36 AM on January 18, 2006


Two thumbs down, way down.

On the plus side, that comment by Pretty_Generic was pretty funny.
posted by I Love Tacos at 8:02 AM on January 18, 2006


[this is good]
posted by briank at 8:49 AM on January 18, 2006


I had absolutely no idea that this spoof was written by one of our own! Yay, Shadowkeeper -- you should post more often here on MeFi, you're quite the wit!
posted by five fresh fish at 9:31 AM on January 18, 2006


Funny post.
posted by FormlessOne at 10:43 AM on January 18, 2006


Hey, thanks everybody!
posted by Shadowkeeper at 11:03 AM on January 18, 2006


Ahhh, this is great, simultaneously good on its own and reminding me of my MUD-ing days. Jesus Christ! I need to find out which MUD I was on back then, I've got a hankering now.
posted by BlackLeotardFront at 11:47 AM on January 18, 2006


[this is even better than that]

A nice reminder that the quality and tone of the writing in those old text adventures was fantastic. It was always the understated delivery of critical information that made me laugh the most, and the author perfectly captured it here:

> STAY COURSE
The situation in Iraq deteriorates.

Some insurgents arrive.
There is a small number of insurgents here.


I remember playing some text adventure years ago, and I was sitting in a little boat, and a bunny swam over and entered the boat. There was a nice description of a fuzzy little rabbit with white fur, et al -- but it was only when I typed "look" several turns later that this description came up:

There is a killer bunny here.

At the time it startled the hell out of me, as if I'd actually been sitting in a boat with a killer bunny without realizing it.

I can't wait to show these games to my children when they're old enough.
posted by davejay at 11:50 AM on January 18, 2006


I hate games like those, but this was damn funny. PET SEAL was the best part.
posted by Citizen Premier at 3:16 PM on January 18, 2006


Nice thread(s).
posted by uni verse at 4:34 PM on January 18, 2006


It needs a lot more TAKE VACATIONs.
posted by kirkaracha at 4:49 PM on January 18, 2006


This is brilliantly done, Shadowkeeper. And the comments:
> > GET WMD
I don't see that here!

>>LEAVE IRAQ
You are in a maze of twisty little passages, all the same.

are perfect. Sad to say. (Those twisty little passages were always where I got stuck in the game 25 years ago, and gave up.)

The combination of computer game nostalgia and present-day disaster makes me think of Neil Postman's book Amusing Ourselves to Death.
posted by LeLiLo at 6:57 PM on January 18, 2006


Shadowkeeper, were you inspired by P_G's comment?
posted by shoepal at 7:54 PM on January 18, 2006


I guess I'm the only one here who thought it was only about one-sixteenth as funny as the IKEA walkthrough.
posted by arto at 8:57 PM on January 18, 2006


arto: no, you aren't.

I thought it was tired, predictable and included one good joke (PET SEAL).
posted by I Love Tacos at 12:06 AM on January 19, 2006


(that IKEA walkthrough is going to come in handy. Thanks!)
posted by I Love Tacos at 12:06 AM on January 19, 2006


Yeah, well, I wrote the IKEA Walkthrough too, so nyah.
posted by Shadowkeeper at 9:54 AM on January 19, 2006


Bwahaha! I actually had the thought of clicking through to it to check the byline (because I had some tinkly inkling that it was you also), so I could slap arto and Taco in the face with my your weiner, but then I got distracted by a shiny thing and forgot.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 4:54 PM on January 19, 2006


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