Fine, go make yourself an owl. But don't say you didn't know better.

January 31, 2006 7:49 AM

Macramé: the craft that spawned a million eyesoresAs every family has its black sheep, so must the world of crafting have its irredeemable craft. Meet macramé, the ugly stepsister of crafting. In my recent search for a basic pattern I could use to redo a couple of old lawn chairs, every click revealed some fresh new horror. I searched on, thinking surely there must be at least one or two examples of attractive macramé products somewhere on the world wide web, but apparently not. There was nothing but bad jewellery, bad home décor items, bad chairs and really bloody awful owls. I tried approaching the technique with a designer’s mindset, seeing ugly things not as an end in themselves but as a design challenge. How could the patterns be improved? How could the technique and medium be used to produce something beautiful? Perhaps it was just the macramé cord and not the technique that doomed each project to aesthetic hell? But in the end, the craft defeated me. I declared it hopeless, decided to do my two lawn chairs in a plain cream and then retreat from the field before some disaster (possibly one involving a flaming owl) struck. However, that is just my opinion. Perhaps I just don’t appreciate that some people really need that homemade Christmas tree, or the perfect belt to wear while impersonating Elvis.
posted by orange swan (62 comments total)

Oh my god, I set my mom's macrame on fire too when I was a kid...I put it out with a fire extinguisher, and that white powder was everywhere.
posted by atomicmedia at 7:54 AM on January 31, 2006

Awesome
posted by discokitty at 7:57 AM on January 31, 2006

Holy crap....I set my mom's macrame owl on fire when I was 8. I still have a scar from putting it out (with my hands..d0h!)
posted by Bucket o' Heads at 7:58 AM on January 31, 2006

Admittedly, the damn things all but beg to be set alight.
posted by orange swan at 8:00 AM on January 31, 2006

"mom's macrame owl" ? It's worse, I made one myself. I feel old now.
(I threw it out a long time ago, don't worry.)
posted by kika at 8:00 AM on January 31, 2006

I don't think orange owl will like her gift this year.
posted by TwelveTwo at 8:04 AM on January 31, 2006

Nor do I think orange swan will. Oh why do the orange things dislike macrame?
posted by TwelveTwo at 8:04 AM on January 31, 2006

I want to see some really hardcore macramé bondage gear.

There. You read it. You can't un-read it.
posted by Gator at 8:05 AM on January 31, 2006 [1 favorite has favorites]

Am I a bad person for liking macrame chokers? Or the plant hangers?

Don't answer that.
posted by schroedinger at 8:11 AM on January 31, 2006

I want to see some really hardcore macramé bondage gear.
There. You read it. You can't un-read it.
posted by Gator at 8:05 AM PST on January 31

Motherfucker.
posted by slimepuppy at 8:12 AM on January 31, 2006

Now you can't un-see it!
macramé bondage VERY NSFW - contains nudity

I've actual seen some very beautiful macramé bondage.
posted by Bucket o' Heads at 8:16 AM on January 31, 2006

Great post!
posted by arcticwoman at 8:21 AM on January 31, 2006

Ouch! Now my eyes really hurt.
posted by trii at 8:23 AM on January 31, 2006

I've actual seen some very beautiful macramé bondage.

I think a pair of macrame nosebags would have been much more suitable for this pair. (NSFW -- or anywhere else, for that matter)
posted by PeterMcDermott at 8:25 AM on January 31, 2006

There should be a verb like Godwinned for what PeterMcDermott just did to this thread.

I vote either macarame'd or Bridget and Gadgetted. (shudder)
posted by lalochezia at 8:27 AM on January 31, 2006

A very prettily written post on a truly ugly theme. Thanks, os.
posted by Jody Tresidder at 8:27 AM on January 31, 2006

i set my mom's macrame on fire, too....while playing with a can of butane. i'm amazed that i didn't burn the house down.
posted by chupacabra at 8:33 AM on January 31, 2006

seriously, what is it with the owls? The only other animal macrame I ever saw was of a fish. weird.

anyway, I committed miniature macrame during a short dark period of my early teens, making lots of these.
posted by whatnot at 8:40 AM on January 31, 2006

Arrgh!!! - finally a (relatively) well-adjusted adult and y'all put me back under my desk in a fetal position, the supressed memories of Mom's macrame plant hangers all flooding back. No. NO! It's too much! I'm... losing..d dejoi vn- 8 9-8 sdkjpd ji cnvo, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

(thud)
posted by jalexei at 8:44 AM on January 31, 2006

Sweet lord!

Someone teach this woman how to optimize her jpegs for the interweb!
posted by glenwood at 8:45 AM on January 31, 2006

Heh - cool post! I think that they teach macrame during the early years of senior school (at least, they did when I was there!) and perhaps that's the extent of most people's knowledge and skill... that of a 12 year old.

That said, I thought that a couple of the owls in the "really bloody awful owls" link were pretty cute. Oh well...
posted by Chunder at 8:50 AM on January 31, 2006

I hope macramé experiences a resurgence, as knitting has. We all need more owls in our lives. So who wants to be the first to macramé a digestive system?
posted by iconomy at 8:51 AM on January 31, 2006

1974, 4th Grade, about nine-years-old, first school boy crush for me, Miss Steepy. She liked macramé and John Denver. Before long I was making twisting square knots and monkey paws to the tune of "Thanks God I'm a Country Boy." Everyone got a macramé plant hanger for Christmas that year. That is my macramé memory.
posted by sexymofo at 9:02 AM on January 31, 2006

Where are all the god's-eyes, that's what I wanna know.

Nice post.
posted by scratch at 9:10 AM on January 31, 2006

SEVEN! PAGES! OF! OWLS!!!!
Omigawd! I am hereby rendered useless for the rest of the day.
posted by squalor at 9:10 AM on January 31, 2006

Great post. The memories!

In truth, the only place I have seen what can be called macrame that wasn't excretory has been on traditional sailing vessels. Using the same knots, and slightly better cordage, sailors make great, utilitarian stuff. In the proper context, and well crafted, it can be beautiful (scroll down, and check out the thump mats).

But the stuff needs to stay on boats.
posted by Miko at 9:10 AM on January 31, 2006

The horror!
Awesome page title.
posted by like_neon at 9:10 AM on January 31, 2006

Even without following the bondage links, I already feel a little bit scarred. Maybe this is a case where imagination is worse than the real thing, but I'm not sure that I'm prepared to run the risk of discovering the answer.
posted by raedyn at 9:19 AM on January 31, 2006

orange swan, this is an awesome post. I was subjected to the horrors of macrame at Girl Scout summer camp. It seemed like a crucial skill at the time. Successful completion of a plant hanger earned you a crafts badge. I was really proud of that hideously ugly thing. And my mother, bless her, actually accepted it with a smile and stuck a plant in it.
posted by LeeJay at 9:43 AM on January 31, 2006

Remember Uppers & Downers, those macrame bikinis sold on the back pages of Penthouse Magazine? A true 70's icon.
posted by bonefish at 9:47 AM on January 31, 2006

My wife felt the need to respond:

Thanks for the very funny post. As a serious "Macramist" (someone who discovered the joy of macrame in the '60s and still, gasp, does macrame on almost a daily basis, for a living, no less) I am well used to the fact that it will continue to be easy fodder for jokes. But in macrame's defense, I must ask - would you judge all paintings by a painting on velvet of Elvis (him again) that you found in some yard sale? Oh, it's useless - that's why I call my jewelry - "Knotted Fiber" or "Cavandoli" and inwardly cringe when it's classified as the dreaded word (even though that's what it is). Well I've spent way too much time on this... I better get back to my "Manipulated Fiber Forms".
posted by jabo at 9:56 AM on January 31, 2006

By the way, you can see her work here. Sadly, there are no owls or lawn chair webbing patterns.
posted by jabo at 9:57 AM on January 31, 2006

Good stuff! During a particularly dull day at work some time ago, I had a long conversation about macramé owls with a co-worker after she showed me the Macramé Disaster link (glad to see it included here!). From then on (until we both quit), we had a running joke going about macramé owls that made work much more fun. It culminated with her making me a giant owl from a 1970s kit she got from eBay—the results were simply stunning. Best gift I ever got, I think. I'm still looking for some nice, dark wood paneling to make a frame box for him—a "natural habitat" display of sorts. So, yeah: thanks for the post.
posted by dilettanti at 10:00 AM on January 31, 2006

Macramé Lingerie?! Hooray!!
posted by squarehead at 10:09 AM on January 31, 2006

would you judge all paintings by a painting on velvet of Elvis (him again) that you found in some yard sale?

Of course I would. I'd judge them to be fabulous.
posted by Astro Zombie at 10:16 AM on January 31, 2006

Yeah, there's a whole aesthetic thing that seems missing from the current (and past) crafts movement. I have some relatives who spend serious time (and money) making things that, as far as I can tell, nobody wants. Why buy crappy unpainted sculpture and paint it (poorly)? Napkin rings? Don't want them, don't need them. Anything with the word cozy attached, is by definition, garbage. Stamping and stampers, get a life.
posted by doctor_negative at 10:16 AM on January 31, 2006

Macramé Lingerie?! Hooray!!

Wow. For those who might (justifiably) be too scared to click, that photo appears to be Joan Collins by way of Pocahontas.
posted by Gator at 10:24 AM on January 31, 2006

I'm so sorry.


posted by public at 11:08 AM on January 31, 2006

The grandmother of an ex of mine used to macrame skeletons. They were really cool, especially the live-sized ones, even if they only had 4 fingers (no thumb).

She used to say everyone needed a skeleton in their closet. Cool woman.
posted by QIbHom at 11:17 AM on January 31, 2006

Fuck. I came to this thread to do exactly what public did. Well at least I don't have to apologize.
posted by sourwookie at 11:42 AM on January 31, 2006

that's why I call my jewelry - "Knotted Fiber" or "Cavandoli"

Ah, I knew there had to be some good use for the macrame technique. And now I've been given the key to finding it on the net.
posted by orange swan at 11:48 AM on January 31, 2006

I did NOT mean to post that particular example as a good use of macramé. But poke around on that site and you'll find some.
posted by orange swan at 11:53 AM on January 31, 2006

public: Ha!


posted by rkent at 11:55 AM on January 31, 2006

So, the owls are knot what they seem?
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 12:00 PM on January 31, 2006

My mom made actual art out of macrame, never an owl. Macrame is more a sister to knitting than neddlepoint. Leave poor macrame alone.
posted by about_time at 12:01 PM on January 31, 2006

tee hee... OK I'll stop now.
posted by rkent at 12:01 PM on January 31, 2006

Yeah, there's a whole aesthetic thing that seems missing from the current (and past) crafts movement. I have some relatives who spend serious time (and money) making things that, as far as I can tell, nobody wants. Why buy crappy unpainted sculpture and paint it (poorly)? Napkin rings? Don't want them, don't need them. Anything with the word cozy attached, is by definition, garbage. Stamping and stampers, get a life.

This is true of any art or craft, and it's the case because the drive to do something and/or the ability to derive great enjoyment from doing something aren't necessarily accompanied by the talent, skill, and taste needed to become good at said activity. I know any number of adults who regularly turn out embarrassingly bad music, poetry, fiction, or crafts and seemingly have no idea how abysmal their work is. In fact, the worse they are artistically, the less aware they are of it, because it takes a certain amount of skill to know bad from good.
posted by orange swan at 12:05 PM on January 31, 2006

jabo, your wife's work is beautiful. I especially like the baskets/vessels on this page.

That said, one of my brothers made an owl for my mum. I wonder whatever happened to it.

And schroedinger, I like the plainer macrame plant hangers as well. It's nothing to be ashamed of!

Great post, orange owl swan!
posted by deborah at 1:12 PM on January 31, 2006

I've always loved fiber art as long as it wasn't in garish colours. It's unfortunate that is has such a bad reputation.

Yeah, there's a whole aesthetic thing that seems missing from the current (and past) crafts movement. I have some relatives who spend serious time (and money) making things that, as far as I can tell, nobody wants. Why buy crappy unpainted sculpture and paint it (poorly)?"

Could be worse they could be playing WoW.

Miko writes "In the proper context, and well crafted, it can be beautiful (scroll down, and check out the thump mats)."

People with boats obviously have way to much money.
posted by Mitheral at 1:26 PM on January 31, 2006

I never thought I'd use macrame to kill.
posted by eisbaer at 1:27 PM on January 31, 2006

i've still got one of those damned owls given to me by my college girlfriend. i should have taken it as an omen then and ran away screaming. instead, man, did i ever exhibit a herculean restraint in disguising my inner horror and graciously accepting that gift.

i think i know what i'm doing this coming weekend and it involves fire.
posted by 3.2.3 at 1:31 PM on January 31, 2006

Mysweet new macrame hardcore bondage gear
As painful to see as it is to wear
Proving to all it's important to share
The pain of its bristles rubbing my nipples bare

-by Sparx
posted by Sparx at 2:21 PM on January 31, 2006

Someone must have met my grandmother and my aunt. Lots of fun counting the owls to see how many we had.

When I was in high school, the friendship bracelets Whatnot mentioned were a big thing, but no one really thought of them as macrame.
posted by dilettante at 2:53 PM on January 31, 2006

So what does one use to hang plants? Or are hanging plants just too tacky to consider?
posted by five fresh fish at 3:07 PM on January 31, 2006

Funny post, orange swan! I must confess that in my hippy-wanna-be youth, my long suffering siblings all had floor-to-ceiling plant hangers in their apartments thanks to their crafty little sister. I also made baskets. What an artsy little thing I was! Until I learned the merits of smoking hemp over knotting it and that was it for my crafty phase.

jabo, your wife's work is quite nice! And so is yours!
posted by madamjujujive at 3:09 PM on January 31, 2006

Great FPP. I had fun going through it.
posted by glycolized at 4:02 PM on January 31, 2006

So 4 people here have set macrame on fire, and one wants to...there should be a website...
posted by atomicmedia at 5:46 PM on January 31, 2006

I really enjoyed this FPP - I remember my mom making macrame plant hangers when I was little. We never had any macrame owls, however, we did have a large decorative owl rug that my parents made from a kit. What was it with the 70s and owls?

Jabo, your wife's work is very well-done.
posted by Ostara at 7:34 PM on January 31, 2006

Best post in recent memory.
posted by tomharpel at 7:42 PM on January 31, 2006

So, the owls are knot what they seem?

Joakim, you've made me laugh.
And this is a wonderful FPP.
posted by The Great Big Mulp at 7:52 PM on January 31, 2006

great post. funny, interesting, insightful, disturbing. Fine work!
posted by mwhybark at 9:42 PM on January 31, 2006

Stop staring at me.
posted by orange swan at 6:57 AM on February 3, 2006