"He was in fact all God and all man."

April 5, 2006 11:50 AM

A New Gospel Fragment Discovered Could the Da Vinci code be based on truth? Church scholars have denied claims that Jesus and Mary Magdalene were married, but ancient Egyptian papyri previously illlegible may unlock further insight on the relationship between Mary and Jesus.
posted by daHIFI (44 comments total)

Can anyone tell me if the Liverpool Observer really exists? 'Cause the URL at the top of the article is wrong, and Google doesn't give any useful results.
posted by rxrfrx at 11:54 AM on April 5, 2006

The dialogue seems pretty suspect to me.
posted by keswick at 11:55 AM on April 5, 2006

Oh great, so now the flipping Bible is going to sue Brown for plagiarism.
posted by CheeseburgerBrown at 11:56 AM on April 5, 2006

My favorite part was where Jesus's dad, Joe, got all schnockered at the wedding and was hitting on the bridesmaids. Boy was Mary mad!
posted by Floydd at 11:58 AM on April 5, 2006

I smell viral marketing for the upcoming movie. Could be wrong, though.
posted by verb at 11:59 AM on April 5, 2006

I laughed when the text alluded to Mary nagging Jesus about a seemingly cheap honeymoon after he had the fisherman net up a boatload of fish with gold coins in there mouths. Fakey McFakeberg.
posted by NoMich at 11:59 AM on April 5, 2006

there their
posted by NoMich at 12:00 PM on April 5, 2006

The dialogue seems pretty suspect to me.

Yeah, just a little...

"It's true you saved me," she said. "But still. These places we stay in. And this food. This was to be our honeymoon."
"I suppose you think I'm not good enough for you then," he answered, turning back to her.

Desperate Jesuswives?
posted by funambulist at 12:02 PM on April 5, 2006

A missing page from "Little Red Riding Hood" has also been discovered...

THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING!!!1!
posted by BobFrapples at 12:03 PM on April 5, 2006

The date of that article is "19 April 2005."
posted by GregW at 12:04 PM on April 5, 2006

Oh man, I used to totally party with Jesus. He would always start telling a story when the dutchie was passed to him. You know how long dude could ramble. He would just talk and talk and puff and puff and by the time he was done talking the joint would be done and it hadn't even made a single pass around. But boy could he roll some seriously immaculate joints.
posted by dobie at 12:04 PM on April 5, 2006

Point to GregW for actually noticing the date. It took me a minute to realize it was from last year. I made it to the honeymoon dialouge before I realized it was a joke.

I just wanted to see what comments would be posted before people caught on.
posted by daHIFI at 12:07 PM on April 5, 2006

So I was on this cruise and you'll never guess who was on it with me. Yep. It was Jesus and his new bride and she was all like "Christ I'm tired of this cheap-ass cruise. Jesus! You'd think the "Son'O'God" could have gotten us a nicer cabin, and the food? Jesus H. Christ, if I have another boring buffet I'm gonna puke!"
and He was going "Yes, dear." and "You're right, dear"
That woman like to crucify him!
Finally, he just got fed up and hopped overboard and walked to shore.
posted by Floydd at 12:07 PM on April 5, 2006

"This kind of narrative," Rorty says, "is unprecedented in ancient literature."

Indeed.
posted by ijoshua at 12:08 PM on April 5, 2006

I just wanted to see what comments would be posted before people caught on.

I didn't actually read the article. When you post a "news article" hosted on some unrelated website, that's a little obvious.
posted by rxrfrx at 12:09 PM on April 5, 2006

Finally, he just got fed up and hopped overboard and walked to shore.

I'm sorry, Floydd, but that's not possible. There's no way the cruise ship could've gotten through all that ice.
posted by NationalKato at 12:11 PM on April 5, 2006

Jesus married to Mary Magdalene and having kids? It's possible, sure.

The Da Vinci Code being based on a real-life, millennia-old conspiracy to protect Jesus' bloodline, rather than it being immediately lost in the three intervening centuries in which nobody gave a damn about Christianity? There's the part where the whole Holy Blood, Holy Grail niche goes completely bonkers. HBHG averaged about one egregiously wrong statement per page--at least its successors had the decency to call themselves "fiction."
posted by jefgodesky at 12:12 PM on April 5, 2006

…considering the concept of a honeymoon probably didn't arise until the 16th century.
posted by ijoshua at 12:12 PM on April 5, 2006

The next section translated:

Jesus was lying on the hay bale as Mary stormed in.

"Jesus, you said you would milk the goat today!" Said Mary, flicking her hair back.

Jesus stood up, quaffing wine from his carraff, "I've been at work all day saving mankind and i deserve some rest at the end of day! It's not easy being the Son of God"

"There you go again, bringing up your father! When are we going to get out from under his shadow? Why can't you quit and go work for that Lucifer guy - He's offering more money."

"It's not about the Money! I like what I do, Mary. I enjoy my job! You knew who i was when you married me."

"You know your problem Jesus? You havn't got any ambition. Judas has ambition! He's been havign dinner with Romans! Romans Jesus! All we ever do is have supper with your friends."

"They're my disciples Mary."

"And you never say you love me."

"I love all mankind!"

"That's what you always say! Well it's not good enough" Mary said, storming out.

"Mary!" Jesus called after her, "Dammit, I wish someone would just crucify me already."
posted by Meccabilly at 12:15 PM on April 5, 2006

Wow. Jesus was totally whipped.
posted by thekilgore at 12:16 PM on April 5, 2006

Jesus!
posted by newfers at 12:20 PM on April 5, 2006

wow Meccabilly. that's really good.
posted by daHIFI at 12:21 PM on April 5, 2006

...you know, i would have thought a gospel describing Jesus's marriage would be somewhat more eloquent.
posted by Doorstop at 12:26 PM on April 5, 2006

Wow. Jesus was totally whipped.

Niiice.
posted by NationalKato at 12:27 PM on April 5, 2006

I think this is a link to the supposed page (clearly in Greek), but it's labelled " Theodorus to Apollonius".

There is a Biblical miracle where Jesus gets a coin out of a fish's mouth, but none where the sea appears full of fish, each with a coin.

However, in Farid al-din Attar's "Lives of the Muslim Saints," there are at least two instances where this exact thing happens.

---

On further digging, I find that it is indeed a joke. Someone might find those other two links interesting anyway, so I will post them as well.
posted by sonofsamiam at 12:37 PM on April 5, 2006

I just wanted to see what comments would be posted before people caught on.

This is not a good reason to post things to MeFi. On April 1, people would still be pissed. On April 5, there is no excuse. This is crap.
posted by booksandlibretti at 12:38 PM on April 5, 2006

Mel Gibson's doing the movie adaptation—90 pages of the most gruesome, savage, totally realistic nagging you've ever seen. In Aramaic.
posted by PlusDistance at 12:48 PM on April 5, 2006

I wish "crap post" was one of the flagging options.
posted by Alt F4 at 12:56 PM on April 5, 2006

I saw this the other day on the book rack at Wal-Mart - didn't look that great. Cool cover though.
posted by wfrgms at 12:58 PM on April 5, 2006

Nice post, daHIFI and good sleuthing sonofsamiam. An excellent way to emphasize that it is very difficult for the average reader to tell fact from fiction without being a well informed scholar.

It is worth noting that Elaine Pagels (a noted scholar), in her book The Gnostic Gospels, references passages which refer to Jesus and M. M. living together and walking in public holding hands.
posted by RMALCOLM at 12:59 PM on April 5, 2006

oh come on it's not a crap post. *tear* I thought it was funny. Be nice, I could have posted a YouTube/GoogleVid link.

On preview, thank you RMALCOM for reaffirming my self esteem.

I don't know how I can deal with being disparaged on MeFi.
posted by daHIFI at 1:02 PM on April 5, 2006

The term honeymoon didn't come into usage until 1500 AD, according to Webster's & others, so yeah, satanic bullshit.......
posted by Pressed Rat at 1:17 PM on April 5, 2006

I prefer Dan Brown. He sings.
posted by rottytooth at 1:18 PM on April 5, 2006

Why does Mary Magdalene always have the last name attached, but Jesus's mom doesn't?
posted by shnoz-gobblin at 1:18 PM on April 5, 2006

An excellent way to emphasize that it is very difficult for the average reader to tell fact from fiction without being a well informed scholar.

That's sarcasm, right? It's hard to tell on here sometimes.

Crap post.
posted by EarBucket at 1:22 PM on April 5, 2006

EASTER FOOLS!
posted by sourwookie at 1:30 PM on April 5, 2006

The article was published on the TENTH ANNIVERSARY of the Oklahoma City Bombing!?!

This cannot be considered a coincidence.
posted by wigu at 1:33 PM on April 5, 2006

Are you kidding? It took about two seconds for this non-Biblical scholar to determine it was bullshit.

On hover: Not any kind of official website. Very fishy.

On byline: If it's legit, it's picked up everywhere; why wouldn't you link to the BBC? If it's brand-new this second, why is the Liverpool Observer -- a nonmajor paper -- breaking this story? In fact, why is any paper breaking any story at all this time of day? Much fishier.

First line: Some jargon an uninformed reader would let pass.

Second line: "A revelation of this kind, at this time, is beyond ironic." No, it's not ironic at all. And for pieces like this, reporters don't want to make their experts look like idiots; if she'd said this, the reporter would've left it out. Also, this isn't a really coincidental time, either. This is where I figured it was crap, but I kept going to confirm my theory.

Third line: Heist pointed to the great irony in the discovery's timing. So, the exact same (incorrect) statement as the previous line? This piece had nothing to do with a professional reporter.

The rest of the piece is so full of suspicious crap that it overflows. When I reached the purported dialogue, I literally burst out laughing. It's ridiculous for millions of reasons. Anyone who has even Christmas-and-Easter-churchgoing familiarity with the Bible would recognize it as crap instantly. There wasn't even an attempt to make the passage look legit; if there was any attempt to make the article look legit, it was a piss-poor one.

This was not, in any form, "best of the web." I wouldn't even call it "best of 'hay I can fool mefi look u guys!1!!'"
posted by booksandlibretti at 1:38 PM on April 5, 2006

booksandlibretti: I literally burst out laughing.

Me too; good post, daHIFI.
posted by ibmcginty at 1:49 PM on April 5, 2006

What's.... erm.. ironic?... about this post is that perhaps the weirdest gospel of all is The Gospel According to Mary Magdalene.

19) The first form is darkness, the second desire, the third ignorance, the fourth is the excitement of death, the fifth is the kingdom of the flesh, the sixth is the foolish wisdom of flesh, the seventh is the wrathful wisdom. These are the seven powers of wrath.

20) They asked the soul, Whence do you come slayer of men, or where are you going, conqueror of space?

21) The soul answered and said, What binds me has been slain, and what turns me about has been overcome,

22) and my desire has been ended, and ignorance has died.

23) In a aeon I was released from a world, and in a Type from a type, and from the fetter of oblivion which is transient.

24) From this time on will I attain to the rest of the time, of the season, of the aeon, in silence.

It's one of the more mystical gospels, and it definitely posits that Mary was "special" to Jesus in that really special way where he not only loved her "more than the rest of woman" but also apparently more than the rest of the disciples.

More here.
posted by illovich at 2:19 PM on April 5, 2006

Can anyone tell me if the Liverpool Observer really exists?

I've lived here in Liverpool my whole life and I've never heard of it.

My guess is that it's an April Fools hoax.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 2:52 PM on April 5, 2006

Next up: Religious slashfic.
posted by Sparx at 6:06 PM on April 5, 2006

Jesus rides beside me, but He never buys any smokes.

/Paul Westerberg
posted by BitterOldPunk at 1:14 AM on April 6, 2006

Well, there is This
posted by papakwanz at 9:40 AM on April 6, 2006