What a bunch of wankers

July 18, 2006 2:17 AM

Masturbate-a-thon 2006 will be the first event featured on UK Channel 4's "wank week", and will involve hundreds of Londoners gathering in a hall to have a televised toss-off. Participants will be fapping away in hopes of garnering prizes for number of orgasms and endurance - the current record stands at over eight hours of continuous onanism. In other news, kittens everywhere are getting their affairs in order.
posted by LondonYank (91 comments total)

Heh heh heh, your username is quite appropriate.
posted by bwerdmuller at 2:22 AM on July 18, 2006

I'm not a prudish person, but a shed in Clerkenwell full of tossers is not really an appealing idea. Still, it's more honest than Big Brother, which is basically the same thing.
posted by jack_mo at 2:23 AM on July 18, 2006

I predict that mine will be the only non-childish comment in this thread.
posted by gramschmidt at 2:24 AM on July 18, 2006

I wonder if any contestants will be taking any lessons from Mike. Hell, now that Sexy Losers is retired, maybe he'd even have some time to come onboard as their personal trainer.

Tee hee... I said 'come'...
posted by Effigy2000 at 2:32 AM on July 18, 2006

Glad I'm not that janitor.
posted by sneakums at 2:39 AM on July 18, 2006 [1 favorite]

Sponsored by Kleenex?
posted by A189Nut at 2:40 AM on July 18, 2006

I'm not a prudish person, but a shed in Clerkenwell full of tossers is not really an appealing idea.

Isn't everything in Clerkenwell full of tossers?
posted by fullerine at 2:44 AM on July 18, 2006

Perhaps we should see this as an argument for the (American) cultural imperialism thesis? Only a country of puritans could think this was interesting - the post watershed equivalent of yet another Friends repeat. I suspect Murdoch's newspapers will spin this into another reason to deregulate and de-subsidize and I am increasingly convinced that the management of Channel4 agrees with him.
posted by anglophiliated at 2:48 AM on July 18, 2006

Well said fullerine.
posted by anglophiliated at 2:49 AM on July 18, 2006

beat me to it fullerine
posted by baker dave at 2:52 AM on July 18, 2006

Funny, I was just thinking this is just the sort of thing they would never show on over-the-air television in the US. Channel 5 used to show soft porn (for all I know they still do, I haven't even surfed through the channel in years) - meanwhile one (covered) nipple sends the US into paroxyms of puritanical brow-beating for years...
posted by LondonYank at 2:53 AM on July 18, 2006

once again, the mainstream capitalizes on yet another thing i invented.
posted by Hat Maui at 3:00 AM on July 18, 2006 [2 favorites]

LondonYank, you are of course right but the idea is utterly American. There is a kind of disconnect here in that British culture doesn't organically come up with all the quasi-porn and psuedo-documentary sex that comes on at 11 here. It is all imported from 'cable' in the States.
posted by anglophiliated at 3:01 AM on July 18, 2006

"Wank Holiday Monday" was kind of the opposite of this, in aid of the Royal National Institute of the Blind.
posted by hoverboards don't work on water at 3:04 AM on July 18, 2006

Last one to finish eats the biscuit.
posted by quite unimportant at 3:13 AM on July 18, 2006

Um, ouch?
posted by converge at 3:29 AM on July 18, 2006

You see, that's why Europe is so much more evolved. A continent that wanks together embraces social justice together... Viva spooge!
posted by moonbird at 3:44 AM on July 18, 2006

Cockney bukkake?
posted by psmealey at 4:04 AM on July 18, 2006

A couple years ago, whilst walking down Dray Walk - the alleyway off Brick Lane in London that is Hipster Central - my friend and I spied a tiny, tiny sticker affixed to a lamp post. This sticker read:

BUKKAKE RUINED MY CARPET

We had to sit down from laughing so hard. Made my day.
posted by LondonYank at 4:18 AM on July 18, 2006

London Meetup, anybody...?

*runs away, hides*
posted by flashboy at 4:32 AM on July 18, 2006

"Following on from the success of 'Penis week', we feel this is exactly the type of provocative and mischievous programming that Channel 4 should be covering in the 11pm slot."

Jesus wept.
posted by slimepuppy at 4:36 AM on July 18, 2006

I can see so many sub-contests:

distance...
accuracy...
quantity...
height...
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 4:53 AM on July 18, 2006

That's just whack!!
posted by jpburns at 4:59 AM on July 18, 2006

I can see so many sub-contests:

distance...
accuracy...
quantity...
height...

...artistic impression.
posted by flashboy at 5:14 AM on July 18, 2006 [1 favorite]

Seriously though, the floor of that place is going to look like a Jackson Pollock painting by the time they're done.
posted by flashboy at 5:20 AM on July 18, 2006

Will someone be caliing the "play by play?"
posted by bim at 5:20 AM on July 18, 2006

Or possibly a Jackson Bollock.
posted by flashboy at 5:21 AM on July 18, 2006 [1 favorite]

I'm *so* glad that C4 don't get any of my TV license money. Stupid jerks.
posted by Chunder at 5:35 AM on July 18, 2006

Eight continuous hours of spanking the monkey? Yikes! What this competition needs is a lubricant sponsor...
posted by clevershark at 5:36 AM on July 18, 2006

Wow. I've been training rigorously for years. Until now, I had no idea that I was an elite athlete. Thanks, metafilter.
posted by horsewithnoname at 5:54 AM on July 18, 2006

That big Ocean didn't stop the language from being the same but sure does make us different.
posted by narebuc at 6:30 AM on July 18, 2006

Did someone domain hijack metafilter to fark?
posted by puddnhead at 6:40 AM on July 18, 2006

...the idea is utterly American. ... British culture doesn't organically come up with all the quasi-porn and psuedo-documentary sex that comes on at 11 here. It is all imported from 'cable' in the States.

Interesting: this is the kind of thinking that Josef Joffe in his book Uberpower calls real anti-americanism: a kind of blind, negative stereotyping ("American culture is distinctly vulgar") that twists every piece of evidence to the contrary (vulgar British TV masturbate-a-thon) around so it favors the initial thesis ("any British vulgarity is of American origin")...
posted by shivohum at 6:46 AM on July 18, 2006

Perhaps we should see this as an argument for the (American) cultural imperialism thesis?

Perhaps. Or perhaps its just a bunch of guys jerking off on TV.
posted by pardonyou? at 6:47 AM on July 18, 2006

its it's
posted by pardonyou? at 6:49 AM on July 18, 2006

Eponysterical priapism!
posted by loquacious at 6:50 AM on July 18, 2006 [1 favorite]

a shed in Clerkenwell full of tossers is not really an appealing idea

So where would they have to put this shed full of tossers to appeal to you? The summit of Everest? The Colosseum?

What if it were St. Paul's bursting full of tossers? Or a railroad freight car jammed full of tossers cruising along country rails, tossing as it goes?
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 6:55 AM on July 18, 2006

The only way this would ever be on a US tv is on a paid channel, ie HBO...and the article never says anything about it being shown on tv anyway over here in sweet America. And you guys show this on a regular station at 11pm? Man, you have really reached a ridiculous level.
posted by markulus at 7:00 AM on July 18, 2006

I touch myself and Orgasm Addict better be on that soundtrack.
posted by Stynxno at 7:07 AM on July 18, 2006

Season 2: Change of Venue
posted by NationalKato at 7:12 AM on July 18, 2006

shivohum: 'twasn't my point. The British do a fine job of making their own gutter to wallow in and I hate to see them adopting American made product in yet another area. I can see what you are getting at but I was suggesting that the Brits need to develop their own tawdry late night programming rather than adopt the puritanically inflected sense of transgression found in the States. I should have been clearer.
posted by anglophiliated at 7:13 AM on July 18, 2006

Buncha jerkoffs.
posted by jonmc at 7:15 AM on July 18, 2006

Cockney bukkake?
posted by psmealey

Bukockney!!!
posted by Silky Slim at 7:22 AM on July 18, 2006 [1 favorite]

Well, in this case the masturbate-a-thon did originate in the U.S. (a Good Vibes thing I suspect).
posted by KirkJobSluder at 7:22 AM on July 18, 2006

This sort of thing goes on all the time, mostly by 14-year-olds when they discover the pornucopia that is usenet.
posted by clevershark at 7:25 AM on July 18, 2006

Let me see if I understand this post: FOXNews is being televised in London, now?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 7:30 AM on July 18, 2006

I predict that mine will be the only non-childish comment in this thread.

You say that like its a good thing.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 7:40 AM on July 18, 2006

Season 2: Change of Venue

Line up a safety goggles sponsor. And bring your SARS mask.
posted by yerfatma at 7:46 AM on July 18, 2006

Seriously though, the floor of that place is going to look like a Jackson Pollock painting by the time they're done.
posted by flashboy at 8:20 AM EST on July 18

Or a map of the pacific islands
posted by ob at 7:55 AM on July 18, 2006

A mound of watery mashed potatoes: "This. Means. Something!"
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 7:59 AM on July 18, 2006

I wonder if they had to grease the palms of the censors on this one.
posted by zek at 7:59 AM on July 18, 2006

I have a couple of questions here:

1)Do you think that the contestants will try to fake each other out before the contest? Will the psychological element come into play?

2)Will anyone be running a book? If so my money's on the guy with forearms like Popeye.

3)Who's commentating? I'd like to suggest Marcelo Balboa. I'd love to hear him talk about how tired their getting. Oh AND he's a wanker.
posted by ob at 8:03 AM on July 18, 2006

Cockney bukkake?
posted by psmealey

Bukockney!!!
posted by Silky Slim

Silky Slim wins the thread.

Also, even at 23:00, this is gonna be so edited. Not even Channel 4 is gonna be showing (as Bill Hicks put it once) 'arcing ropes of jism' on British TV.
posted by kaemaril at 8:19 AM on July 18, 2006

Watch out for all the domu-kun running around. As London said I sure will miss all the kittens...
posted by pezdacanuck at 8:21 AM on July 18, 2006

I feel bad for the guy who's into public group masturbation, but hates being filmed.

WHY MUST IT ALWAYS BE A SPECTACLE!?
posted by defenestration at 8:21 AM on July 18, 2006

So where would they have to put this shed full of tossers to appeal to you?

Around a Japanese woman dressed like a schoolgirl?
posted by Cyrano at 8:23 AM on July 18, 2006

Garbage! Toss it in the back with the rest of them.
posted by anthill at 8:34 AM on July 18, 2006

To qualify for the record, the organisers say "at least 55 minutes of every hour shall be spent self-pleasuring by manual or sex toy stimulation" with participants getting just five minutes to "replenish and renew"

replenish and renew! brits make everything sound so damn classy!
posted by troybob at 8:46 AM on July 18, 2006

Why the assumption that the participants are all going to be choking the chicken, as opposed to buttering the potato?
posted by KirkJobSluder at 8:59 AM on July 18, 2006

..with participants getting just five minutes to "replenish and renew"

Enough time to order a pizza, have a smoke and catch the highlights on ESPN. Works for me.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 9:06 AM on July 18, 2006 [1 favorite]

America might be cloaked in a thin veneer of puritanism but we are pervs to the bone man! We are the world leaders in porn, our porn industry outsells our non-porn movie industry. Local Republican parties all over the country are built on backyard BBQ's and wifeswapping, the only thing anyone remembers about 8 years of Clinton is that he got a BJ in the oval office and fucking kid yourself all you want it's not outrage, it's fucking envy. Hell our current president just put the lamest college boy "innocent massage" move on the German Chancellor on fucking international TV, folks, over fifty and foxy, what what? We're too horny, we're too open about it, there's porn everywhere.

Fuck fluoride in the water, we need fucking saltpeter. Bod Dole went on tv and forced us to imagine what he looked like with a fucking Viagra boner for the love of god. We're one breezy summer day and a national two for one sale on Bacardi Limon away from fucking in the streets for Christ's sake. All we have is that M&M shell of lipservice to puritanism to keep sex sexy and forbidden. If we start showing a bunch of people shaking hands with the gov'ner on national tv we are going to de-eroticise sex for all time, help help. Corporate meetings will start with circle jerks, we'll all be raw and chafed all the time, depleted, sleepy. Lower those hemlines, Afghanistan we need Burkahs, stat!
posted by Divine_Wino at 9:18 AM on July 18, 2006 [11 favorites]

Bod Dole, jesus, can you imagine how many years of therapy I'm going to need to even understand where that came from? Holy Crap! I hope oxford covers my latent homo feelings for that crusty old hunk-a-jerky, otherwise I ain't sleeping for a couple of years at least. My new porno name is Bod Dole, all clutching a dildo in my withered hand, all "fuck yeah Charlie tortured me and I LOVED IT, slap my face NOW!"
posted by Divine_Wino at 9:21 AM on July 18, 2006 [1 favorite]

1. Is there drug testing involved? Enhancement drugs will run this event.

2. I read through rules, and cameras are allowed in one area, but they must be approved.

They allow cameras, but someone has not thought of creating an area on the website to sell stuff. I am so ready to buy a shirt.
posted by fluffycreature at 9:24 AM on July 18, 2006

Theme music: May I suggest Michael Jackson's 1983 hit BEAT IT?
posted by ob at 9:26 AM on July 18, 2006

Right, that's it, I think I'm spent. For now...
posted by ob at 9:27 AM on July 18, 2006

ROU_Xenophobe said 'So where would they have to put this shed full of tossers to appeal to you? '

It was the shed full of tossers I found unappealing, not the location. (Though one of my favourite restaurants is in Clerkenwell, so I do have faint health & safety worries on that front.)
posted by jack_mo at 9:35 AM on July 18, 2006

America might be cloaked in a thin veneer of puritanism but we are pervs to the bone man!

The puritans get a bum rap, given that puritan brides were frequently pregnant and showing.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 9:36 AM on July 18, 2006

Shed Full of Tossers is the name of my new rural salad bar chain.
posted by Divine_Wino at 9:39 AM on July 18, 2006 [2 favorites]

the puritanically inflected sense of transgression found in the States

Haha, yes, not to mention pop-cultured and drug-fueled into an unwholesome froth. This is Marshall McLuhan's ultimate fantasy.
posted by gorgor_balabala at 9:43 AM on July 18, 2006

Theme music: May I suggest Michael Jackson's 1983 hit BEAT IT?

May I suggest Nick Cave's 1994 single Red Right Hand?
posted by flashboy at 9:45 AM on July 18, 2006 [1 favorite]

It was the shed full of tossers I found unappealing, not the location.

So Clerkenwell is good, it's just the tossing facility that you find unappealing. I agree, as the spread of bad architecture or just indifference to architecture is troubling.

What if the tossing took place in an exact replica of the Sistine Chapel, with the tossers suspended from the ceiling in flying-harnesses while Inna Gadda Da Vida was played by a full orchestra beneath them and an acrobatic Pope lookalike recited the Kama Sutra as he leaped about on a collection of trampolines? Be it in Clerkenwell or elsewhere?
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:56 AM on July 18, 2006

Well, in that case, I'd probably be sent to review it and, depending on the quantity of free booze at the private view, would give it three stars out of five, use phrases like 'this coldly libidinous excoriation of contemporary mores is to the grey goo from whence we all spring as Nitch's Das Orgien Mysterien Theater is to the hot steam of animal blood' and 'irreligous, Catholo-karmic archi-sexual parade of petit morts' in between at least three tortured puns on the twin meanings of the word 'seminal'.
posted by jack_mo at 10:22 AM on July 18, 2006

So, how is this different from G8?
posted by mischief at 10:22 AM on July 18, 2006

Frankly wanking with other men doing the same in the room seems a bit, well, gay, in both the literal and pejorative senses of the word.
posted by clevershark at 10:34 AM on July 18, 2006

/stares at Divine_Wino in stunned admiration
posted by Zozo at 10:37 AM on July 18, 2006

...my withered hand, all "fuck yeah Charlie tortured me and I LOVED IT, slap my face NOW!"

"Charlie" would refer to our adversaries in the Vietnam War.

Dole was shot by "Krauts" in WWII.

It was McCain that was the one tortured by "Charilie" also derisively refered to as "Dinks" or "Slopes."
posted by tkchrist at 11:08 AM on July 18, 2006

My character "Bod Dole" is a composite to avoid copyright issues. Happy screwing!
posted by Divine_Wino at 11:32 AM on July 18, 2006

Ps, Charlie is short for Victor Charles which is military for the Viet Cong and is in fact the one slang reference available that is not, at least in its simple expression sans nuance, racist. Remember to always use water-based lube, no glove no love!
posted by Divine_Wino at 11:35 AM on July 18, 2006

I can see what you are getting at but I was suggesting that the Brits need to develop their own tawdry late night programming rather than adopt the puritanically inflected sense of transgression found in the States. I should have been clearer.

Thanks for the clarification, anglo, and pardon my historical ignorance, but was not England, too, notorious for repressing sexuality during the Victorian era and so on?
posted by shivohum at 12:00 PM on July 18, 2006

So, how is this different from G8?

One of Leno's writers escaped.

And the theme song must be "Holiday Song" by the Pixies.
posted by sonofsamiam at 12:04 PM on July 18, 2006

Might I suggest music from "Sticky Fingers" by the Rolling Stones

something by A Perfect Circle might be apropos.

or the Go Go's "Daisy Chain"



Either way, the Brits have the right of it, they may give their jerkoffs a TV show, but we give ours the Executive, the Legislative and the Judicial branches.
posted by Megafly at 12:34 PM on July 18, 2006

Don't forget the Devo classic: Whip It
posted by rdone at 1:11 PM on July 18, 2006

you get in a heat, you get in a sulk.
but you still keep a beating your meat to pulp.
and you're an orgasm addict.
you're an orgasm addict.
you're a kid cassanova.
you're a no-josep
it's a labour of love fucking yourself to death.
orgasm addict.
you're an orgasm addict.
posted by Zack_Replica at 2:20 PM on July 18, 2006

Zack_Replica - I heard the Buzzcocks play that very song last weekend. In London. Surely the logical thing to do is make sure they are the accompanying band to this wankstravaganza!
posted by LondonYank at 2:56 PM on July 18, 2006

This would probably get Diogenes out of his tub.
posted by Smedleyman at 4:29 PM on July 18, 2006

Companion volume
posted by rob511 at 6:51 PM on July 18, 2006

Companion "art"work
posted by rob511 at 6:54 PM on July 18, 2006

I’ll go if I can get fluffer service.

/Is that a chicken rob511?
posted by Smedleyman at 7:34 PM on July 18, 2006

How do they...show this on t.v? *mind boggles*
posted by liquorice at 7:37 PM on July 18, 2006

Turning Japanese by the Vapors
posted by hortense at 9:13 PM on July 18, 2006

It doesn't sound erotic at all. It sounds clinical and sad.
posted by Jatayu das at 4:30 AM on July 19, 2006