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August 18, 2006 12:43 PM   Subscribe

HI Ladies, It’s your Knight in Shining Armor! The interweb has revolutionized the time-honored tradition of prison pen-pals. Meet a soulmate. A lover. A fighter. An artist. OMG a girl!!! Be still my heart -- someone to spoon with. Really, there's someone for everyone.
posted by turducken (37 comments total) 2 users marked this as a favorite

 
Isthis just for ladies? I, too, want to spoon with a prisoner of my choice.
posted by Astro Zombie at 12:47 PM on August 18, 2006


OMG a girl!!!

There's no way the woman in this picture is 41 years old... either that, or the pic was taken at least 10 years ago.
posted by clevershark at 12:52 PM on August 18, 2006


I love how Kenneth, the artist with a life sentence, describes himself: "California prisoner with "taking law into own hands" case". Now that's a guy with a talent for spin.
posted by maryh at 12:52 PM on August 18, 2006


The "someone link" is kind of a babe, Zombie. She's a doper, so if you have a sleepy fetish -- bang-on!
posted by undule at 12:54 PM on August 18, 2006


Astro Zombie: Check the linked profile. (Obscure pun alert.)
posted by turducken at 12:55 PM on August 18, 2006


I'm basically in quest of any of the two sexes who aren't embarrassed nor reluctant to reveal their animalistic instincts and desires, and for that consistent someone that wants to make a correspondence commitment to journey through those murky and long swivelling roads in my mind.

Ted Nugent to the white courtesy phone...
posted by hal9k at 12:55 PM on August 18, 2006


Whoops, I meant the "spoon with" link -- but a monkey can be taught spooning too, I guess.
posted by undule at 12:55 PM on August 18, 2006


I wasn't actually looking for a girl, but -- MELANIE, rrooowwrr!
posted by Astro Zombie at 12:56 PM on August 18, 2006


Emily -- va va va voom!
posted by Astro Zombie at 12:57 PM on August 18, 2006


Jason -- ka pow! I want them all!
posted by Astro Zombie at 12:57 PM on August 18, 2006


CONVICTION: Will discuss when asked

Just as long as her name isn't Loreena Bobbitt (sp?).
posted by clevershark at 1:02 PM on August 18, 2006


I used to know a girl who got involved with a prisoner pen-pal. He eventually got released and they met and that somehow lead to a tragic turn of events that ended up with her sister killed in a car accident.

She was a screwed up young woman when I met her and her friends blamed that on her sister being killed (she was also in the car and survived). But I kind of thought the prison pen pal (they started writing when she was in high school!) suggested that she was probably a bit messed up before the accident.

Why does a high school girl start wiriting a man in prison? How do they come in contact in the first place? Why do her parents let her meet this guy when he got out (indeed, why did they allow them to develop a friendship in the letters in the first place?)

There's so many other men out there. So many overlooked cool guys. Why would you start something up with one of these people when there's a world of opportunity out there. A world of people you can actually go on a date with!
posted by raedyn at 1:07 PM on August 18, 2006


So let me get this straight. Prisoner Pen-Pal = Sister killed in tragic car accident.

I think we've all learned a little something here.
posted by Floydd at 1:20 PM on August 18, 2006


Yes raedyn, you're going to have to fill in the blanks here.
posted by clevershark at 1:21 PM on August 18, 2006


It was a wild ride. I started with Zsa Zsa and ended with Alice.
posted by xod at 1:57 PM on August 18, 2006


'Spoon with' was a reference to her heroin conviction right?
posted by Frasermoo at 2:03 PM on August 18, 2006


I used to be friends with a guy who was a pen-pal with a con involved in mail fraud. For some cons, "loneliness" is simply the come-on to entice the needed confederate on the outside. My friend was arrested and convicted on a federal charge, as it involved the US mail system.
posted by Tube at 2:08 PM on August 18, 2006


It looks like I have a new "plan B"
posted by Iron Rat at 2:09 PM on August 18, 2006


Understanding hybristophilia, women attracted to men in prison.
posted by nickyskye at 2:13 PM on August 18, 2006 [2 favorites]


Yes raedyn, you're going to have to fill in the blanks here. - clevershark

Honestly, I don't know the whole story. Nobody liked to talk about it much because bringing it up made the surviving sister pretty agitated. My point wasn't meant to be about the sister dying. Just that I used to know this strange girl who'd had a prisoner pen pal. I couldn't understand why/how she'd ever started writing to him.

Thinking about it now makes me curious again about WTF happened that night. It was years before I met any of the people in question. We don't hang out with her anymore but one of my buddies grew up with her, so maybe he can shed some light on it all.
posted by raedyn at 2:24 PM on August 18, 2006


I'm in search for Mr. Right,, A man that's down for me, and his freaky behavior ways are compatible to mines.

She's been in prison for 21 years for murder. I guess that's what she means by freaky behavior.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:38 PM on August 18, 2006


"I am like a raw uncut diamond."
(Insert chisel and igneous rock joke here.)
posted by turducken at 2:47 PM on August 18, 2006


I am rare and valuable treasure...Why?? Because I have not been touched in over 21 years. I have been incarcerated since 1984,,, simply pur-- I am like a virgin. My body and mind has been waxed, polished, and designed by the wisdom of time. I am like a raw uncut diamond, in perfect health and disease free. A treasure that's been buried in a time capsule.

Man, this would make a great daily affirmation if it wasn't so, y'know, specific.
posted by maryh at 2:50 PM on August 18, 2006


I saw one of those prisoner pen-pal ads where the guy, who was some fucking hideous kind of mass murderer, referred to himself as "a work in progress."

He certainly had a talent for understatement.
posted by jason's_planet at 4:27 PM on August 18, 2006


There's no way the woman in this picture is 41 years old.

Dude, it says right in the description that she's 41 years young.
posted by kirkaracha at 4:35 PM on August 18, 2006 [2 favorites]


Actually we're probably painting with a pretty broad brush here -- who knows how many of those who seek pen-pals just got caught on a bad day with an ounce of weed and just got stuck appearing against an overzealous prosecutor running for office who decided to tag "intent to distribute" onto the original possession charge?

It's easy and probably humorous to assume that everyone on these sites is a former gang-banger or rapist, but in the USA you could just be dealing with a stoner, for all you know.
posted by clevershark at 6:01 PM on August 18, 2006


clevershark - judging by the convictions that are listed by some, and the sentences that are listed by many more, I doubt many of them are banged up for an 'ounce of weed'... that said, I get your point .
posted by BadSeamus at 7:01 PM on August 18, 2006


Write me!!
posted by liquorice at 7:20 PM on August 18, 2006


Umm, liquorice, better not have that prison correspondence delivered to your house...
posted by Quietgal at 8:12 PM on August 18, 2006


Oh, there's also a porn star available, if that's more to your taste.
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 8:25 PM on August 18, 2006


A friend once emailed me a link to a prison pen pal/dating ad for a guy we used to know a long time ago. Maybe "know" is too strong. Lets just say we had the misfortune of bumping into him a few times. His ad (which I unfortunately can't find anymore) touted him as a kind, caring sensitive soul.

The man is doing twenty years for beating a three year old to death. That information was not included in the ad.
posted by LeeJay at 9:45 PM on August 18, 2006


Re teenager writing to inmate -- the parents may not have been aware, depending upon who looked through the mail first.
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 12:06 AM on August 19, 2006


"Who knows how many of those who seek pen-pals just got caught on a bad day with an ounce of weed and just got stuck appearing against an overzealous prosecutor running for office who decided to tag "intent to distribute" onto the original possession charge?"

Ummm... none? Read the friggin' post. Some of these people are on DEATH ROW, for chrissake, and the rest wouldn't need penpals if they hadn't been incarcerated for a long time -- i.e., for a serious felony, which pot is not. (Up to an ounce is even legal in some states.)

Put down the High Times and do some real research if you want to trash our legal system, which has its (very real) flaws. But this kind of retarded stoner conspiracy puke is insulting to those who genuinely want to change the system for the better.
posted by turducken at 1:36 AM on August 19, 2006


i.e., for a serious felony, which pot is not.

In Missouri, the penalty for selling a blunt to a buddy in the Walgreen's parking lot across the street from the high school is 10-life.

I would call that fairly serious.
posted by Enron Hubbard at 4:08 AM on August 19, 2006


What Enron Hubbard said. Mandatory sentencing and the war on drugs are very real, turducken, and lots and lots of people actually go to jail for years at a time. I have a close friend who was lucky enough to be busted (LSD & half an ounce) before the federal mandatory guidelines came into play; he got 5 years and, eventually, paroled after three of them. That was in the mid 80s. If he had been busted for the same amount in the mid 90s, he would have been looking at 10 to 20 years, with no possibility of parole. That's for a first offense, by the way. American prisons are overcrowded, as we all know; our incarceration rate is the highest in the world, and by far the majority of prisoners are there as a result of our draconian drug laws.
posted by mygothlaundry at 7:41 AM on August 19, 2006


"Sexy, sweet petite lady, very erotic and sensual."

I wonder what she was convicted of?

And yes, that could be a picture of a 41 year old. First it's kinda blurry, and second not all femmes d'un certain âge are shrivelled up hags. I too doubt it's recent, but it ain't impossible.

And turducken, please list those states wherein possession of less than an ounce of pot is legal. And I don't mean "medical marijuana" -- I mean as legal as a comb. The best I ever saw was "decrim" back in the mid-1970s (before you were born, I bet) in California, but even then it wasn't fully legal -- and it was still illegal to distribute so much as a joint. Furthermore, I wasn't a lawyer then either but we understood not to get caught with it packaged as of for sale, e.g., if you had 7/8 of an ounce it better not be a baggie holding seven envelopes each containing 1/8 of an ounce. (We who had reason not to get busted wouldn't even carry prerolled joints.)
posted by davy at 12:59 PM on August 19, 2006


Kinda saddening 'cause:

a) They seem like nice, lonely people, BUT
b) Most of them probably do deserve to be there, AND
c) They never write back after I send them my picture.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 2:09 PM on August 20, 2006 [1 favorite]


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