Sometimes the headlines write themselves ...
October 3, 2006 2:52 PM Subscribe
So this horse walks into a bar ...
Horse of Warcraft?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:58 PM on October 3, 2006 [2 favorites]
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 2:58 PM on October 3, 2006 [2 favorites]
Why did the horse bring a ladder to the bar?
Because the drinks were on the house!!
posted by Vindaloo at 3:00 PM on October 3, 2006
Because the drinks were on the house!!
posted by Vindaloo at 3:00 PM on October 3, 2006
After a few pints Peggy said, "Wow, I have to pee like a racehorse".
Nah, I got nothing either..
posted by gfrobe at 3:01 PM on October 3, 2006
Nah, I got nothing either..
posted by gfrobe at 3:01 PM on October 3, 2006
Due to the sanitary issues surrounding this, we would never see this in the States. Which is a shame because I would love to be able to brag that I drank a damn horse under the table.
The secret that nobody knows is that horses can't hold their liquor. Buncha lightweights I tell ya. Couple of shots and they are staggering around, picking fights and calling everybody's mother a mule.
Zebras on the other hand, man, those fuckers can drink.
posted by quin at 3:04 PM on October 3, 2006 [1 favorite]
The secret that nobody knows is that horses can't hold their liquor. Buncha lightweights I tell ya. Couple of shots and they are staggering around, picking fights and calling everybody's mother a mule.
Zebras on the other hand, man, those fuckers can drink.
posted by quin at 3:04 PM on October 3, 2006 [1 favorite]
and the horse said "ouch": it was a metal bar newsfilter.
posted by NinjaTadpole at 3:06 PM on October 3, 2006
posted by NinjaTadpole at 3:06 PM on October 3, 2006
Later, the bartender said, "Quit horsin' around!"
I really got nothing
posted by jefbla at 3:09 PM on October 3, 2006
I really got nothing
posted by jefbla at 3:09 PM on October 3, 2006
Beer and chips? Jamie Oliver better not find out about this.
posted by Flashman at 3:11 PM on October 3, 2006
posted by Flashman at 3:11 PM on October 3, 2006
Here's an old one that has nothing to do with horses.
A rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder, and the bartenders all like "Holy moly, where'd you get that thing??"
And the frog responds "Brooklyn. They're all over the place."
posted by Skygazer at 3:12 PM on October 3, 2006
A rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder, and the bartenders all like "Holy moly, where'd you get that thing??"
And the frog responds "Brooklyn. They're all over the place."
posted by Skygazer at 3:12 PM on October 3, 2006
Ironically, the bar doesn't serve Jews.
posted by Astro Zombie at 3:16 PM on October 3, 2006 [1 favorite]
posted by Astro Zombie at 3:16 PM on October 3, 2006 [1 favorite]
Due to the sanitary issues surrounding this, we would never see this in the States.
It wouldn't happen in London, either, you know. I'll bet it can happen in a small town out west, maybe out up in Montana....
posted by linux at 3:16 PM on October 3, 2006
It wouldn't happen in London, either, you know. I'll bet it can happen in a small town out west, maybe out up in Montana....
posted by linux at 3:16 PM on October 3, 2006
... the bartender says, "What's this, some kind of joke?"
posted by knave at 3:36 PM on October 3, 2006
posted by knave at 3:36 PM on October 3, 2006
Serving a twelve year old female, oh my stars and garters.
I used to have a pig that loooooved a cold pint of beer, and a goat that had a thing for the wacky weed
posted by Iron Rat at 3:37 PM on October 3, 2006
I used to have a pig that loooooved a cold pint of beer, and a goat that had a thing for the wacky weed
posted by Iron Rat at 3:37 PM on October 3, 2006
A horse walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables in its mouth. The bartender eyes the horse warily, then tells it, "You can come in—but don't start anything."
posted by Iridic at 3:52 PM on October 3, 2006 [1 favorite]
posted by Iridic at 3:52 PM on October 3, 2006 [1 favorite]
A priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a bar, and the horse goes, "I'm in the wrong joke!"
posted by secret about box at 4:01 PM on October 3, 2006
posted by secret about box at 4:01 PM on October 3, 2006
A blonde walks into a bar. You'd think even a blonde would notice a building that size.
posted by TheDonF at 4:11 PM on October 3, 2006
posted by TheDonF at 4:11 PM on October 3, 2006
horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says: "Sarah Jessica Parker?"
posted by isopraxis at 4:11 PM on October 3, 2006 [1 favorite]
The bartender says: "Sarah Jessica Parker?"
posted by isopraxis at 4:11 PM on October 3, 2006 [1 favorite]
A horse walks into a bar, asks for a shot, and says "Damn, my wife is a nag! The old gray mare...she ain't what she used to be."
That's all I got.
posted by annieb at 4:14 PM on October 3, 2006
That's all I got.
posted by annieb at 4:14 PM on October 3, 2006
You can lead a horse to Blavod, but you can't make it drink.
posted by brain_drain at 4:17 PM on October 3, 2006
posted by brain_drain at 4:17 PM on October 3, 2006
The bar owner is, unfortunately, ill. She caught a colt.
posted by Malor at 4:19 PM on October 3, 2006
posted by Malor at 4:19 PM on October 3, 2006
...so the bartender tapped a pony keg.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:21 PM on October 3, 2006
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:21 PM on October 3, 2006
Caught a colt, eh? I thought she was sounding a little horse.
posted by Iridic at 4:21 PM on October 3, 2006
posted by Iridic at 4:21 PM on October 3, 2006
...and orders a beer. The bartender thinks to himself, "how smart can a horse be?" and says to the horse, "one beer? that will be $10" So, the horse pays up and settles down to drink the beer. After a while, the bartender gets bored and wanders back over to the horse. He says,"we don't get many horses in here." The horse replies, "I'm not surprised, at $10 a beer."
posted by found missing at 4:22 PM on October 3, 2006 [2 favorites]
posted by found missing at 4:22 PM on October 3, 2006 [2 favorites]
I'll be here all week. Tip your waitress.
posted by found missing at 4:25 PM on October 3, 2006
posted by found missing at 4:25 PM on October 3, 2006
Dude walks into a bar, says, "I'm feeling a little hoarse."
Bartender says, "You want to move up a league, wait till Peggy gets back in from the ladies."
posted by Hogshead at 4:26 PM on October 3, 2006
Bartender says, "You want to move up a league, wait till Peggy gets back in from the ladies."
posted by Hogshead at 4:26 PM on October 3, 2006
The best part of this article:
"'It was a hot day when the horse came in,' said Mrs. Gray, 'and I was shocked at first because I have never run a pub before.'"
Other regular customer: "You're surprised? I take it you've never run a pub before. Y'see, Mrs. Gray, this sort of thing happens all the time in pubs. Just one of those things you learn as a pub owner."
posted by koeselitz at 4:27 PM on October 3, 2006
"'It was a hot day when the horse came in,' said Mrs. Gray, 'and I was shocked at first because I have never run a pub before.'"
Other regular customer: "You're surprised? I take it you've never run a pub before. Y'see, Mrs. Gray, this sort of thing happens all the time in pubs. Just one of those things you learn as a pub owner."
posted by koeselitz at 4:27 PM on October 3, 2006
A horse walks into a French bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, monsieur, but we don't serve food in here."
posted by Iridic at 4:29 PM on October 3, 2006 [1 favorite]
posted by Iridic at 4:29 PM on October 3, 2006 [1 favorite]
'So this horse walks into a bar ...'
And the bartender says "Nice to see you again, Ms. Parker-Bowles".
(or Julia Roberts, depending on which country you're in)
posted by mr_crash_davis at 4:32 PM on October 3, 2006
And the bartender says "Nice to see you again, Ms. Parker-Bowles".
(or Julia Roberts, depending on which country you're in)
posted by mr_crash_davis at 4:32 PM on October 3, 2006
The secret that nobody knows is that horses can't hold their liquor. Buncha lightweights I tell ya. Couple of shots and they are staggering around, picking fights and calling everybody's mother a mule.
Hey, you wanna go feed that donkey some beer? Get it all messed up?
posted by fusinski at 4:53 PM on October 3, 2006
A horse walks into a bar. The starting signal goes off and the bar raises.
"And they're off!"
(hm...)
posted by heylight at 5:05 PM on October 3, 2006
"And they're off!"
(hm...)
posted by heylight at 5:05 PM on October 3, 2006
Something about lifting a tail......
nah. nothin'.
posted by longsleeves at 5:27 PM on October 3, 2006
nah. nothin'.
posted by longsleeves at 5:27 PM on October 3, 2006
Excuse me a sec. I've gotta go see a man about a horse. :)
posted by bim at 5:30 PM on October 3, 2006
posted by bim at 5:30 PM on October 3, 2006
koeselitz - my first thought exactly.
A man walks into a bar with a horse. They proceed to order drinks, and continue drinking heavily for hours on end. Finally the horse lies down on the floor and passes out. The man asks the bartender for the bill and makes ready to leave, and the bartender says "Hey, you can't leave that lyin' on the floor of my bar!"
And the man responds "That's not a lion, that's a horse!"
Yes, that joke does not work as well in print as told aloud.
Yes, it's still awful when told aloud.
Yes, it's usually told with a giraffe instead of a horse, at least as I've heard it.
Yes, I apologize.
posted by zoinks at 5:35 PM on October 3, 2006
A man walks into a bar with a horse. They proceed to order drinks, and continue drinking heavily for hours on end. Finally the horse lies down on the floor and passes out. The man asks the bartender for the bill and makes ready to leave, and the bartender says "Hey, you can't leave that lyin' on the floor of my bar!"
And the man responds "That's not a lion, that's a horse!"
Yes, that joke does not work as well in print as told aloud.
Yes, it's still awful when told aloud.
Yes, it's usually told with a giraffe instead of a horse, at least as I've heard it.
Yes, I apologize.
posted by zoinks at 5:35 PM on October 3, 2006
So this pony walks into a bar and says: “I’d like a beer please.”
And the bartender says “What?”
And the pony says “I’d like a beer please.”
And the bartender says “I can’t hear you, you’re going to have to speak up.”
And the pony says: “ I’m sorry, I’m a little horse.”
posted by Smedleyman at 5:43 PM on October 3, 2006
And the bartender says “What?”
And the pony says “I’d like a beer please.”
And the bartender says “I can’t hear you, you’re going to have to speak up.”
And the pony says: “ I’m sorry, I’m a little horse.”
posted by Smedleyman at 5:43 PM on October 3, 2006
...where 17th century western philosopher Rene Descartes is ordering a beer. The bartender hands the horse a martini as soon as he walks in ignoring the philosopher. Descartes says “But I was here first!”
And the bartender says: “Yes, but I never put Descartes before the horse.”
(wasn't happy with the little horse thing)
(how can you tell a horse is jewish? I mean if it's a mare...and they'd be a bitch to circumcise)
posted by Smedleyman at 5:59 PM on October 3, 2006 [1 favorite]
And the bartender says: “Yes, but I never put Descartes before the horse.”
(wasn't happy with the little horse thing)
(how can you tell a horse is jewish? I mean if it's a mare...and they'd be a bitch to circumcise)
posted by Smedleyman at 5:59 PM on October 3, 2006 [1 favorite]
A horse walks into a bar and becomes panicked by the crowd, smoke and noise. His bowels empty and he begins running into the walls, falling over tables and bucking wildly. Several women are seriously injured.
Eventually the horse cuts his leg on some broken juke box glass and has a seizure.
posted by dgaicun at 6:01 PM on October 3, 2006 [2 favorites]
Eventually the horse cuts his leg on some broken juke box glass and has a seizure.
posted by dgaicun at 6:01 PM on October 3, 2006 [2 favorites]
...and the bartender says, "Hey!"
Then the horse says, "Yes, I would like some hay please. Thank you very much."
OR
...and the bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve your equine here!"
posted by jefbla at 6:25 PM on October 3, 2006
Then the horse says, "Yes, I would like some hay please. Thank you very much."
OR
...and the bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve your equine here!"
posted by jefbla at 6:25 PM on October 3, 2006
So this horse walks into a bar and says "Give me a beer and a mop, and better make it snappy" because it was the skeletal horse of Death.
posted by Sparx at 6:46 PM on October 3, 2006
posted by Sparx at 6:46 PM on October 3, 2006
Unfortunately I was not present when one of the Kereopa men rode his horse into the public bar of the Harbourview Hotel in Raglan. History does not record whether he or the horse were served. But I am assured that this happened, and I can confirm that I was very, very drunk there not long after.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 7:03 PM on October 3, 2006
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 7:03 PM on October 3, 2006
The article mentions "pickled onion crisps" - what English food(?) s that? I normally think of an onion crisp as an "onion ring" (raw onion ring dipped in batter and fried). Pickled?
posted by stbalbach at 7:20 PM on October 3, 2006
posted by stbalbach at 7:20 PM on October 3, 2006
...with a donkey and a zebra. The Donkey says "I'll have a beer," the Zebra says "ditto," but the Horse orders a Yager. Then the Donkey goes, "HOLY SHIT, A TALKING HORSE!"
dgaicun, your joke made me laugh and then wonder if I was a bad person.
posted by Citizen Premier at 7:39 PM on October 3, 2006
dgaicun, your joke made me laugh and then wonder if I was a bad person.
posted by Citizen Premier at 7:39 PM on October 3, 2006
Citizen Premier, you're not alone. It was hilarious.
posted by vernondalhart at 7:46 PM on October 3, 2006
posted by vernondalhart at 7:46 PM on October 3, 2006
A man, a panda , a horse, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar, and the bartender says "What is this, some kind of joke?"
posted by Holy foxy moxie batman! at 8:01 PM on October 3, 2006
Incidentally, I slaughtered the name of that particular drink. How do you spell it?
posted by Citizen Premier at 8:09 PM on October 3, 2006
posted by Citizen Premier at 8:09 PM on October 3, 2006
And also incidentally, I need to stop saying incidentally every time I make a second comment.
posted by Citizen Premier at 8:11 PM on October 3, 2006
posted by Citizen Premier at 8:11 PM on October 3, 2006
stbalbach - an onion ring is, thankfully, a fairly universal concept and one we should all celebrate. A "crisp" in the UK and Ireland is a "potato chip" in the US.
That is all very well, except for the awful abuse that the poor spud is subject to on its way to becoming a crisp. Now we might get the odd Sour Cream 'n' Onion or Extra Cheeze varieties here in the US, but usually it is a breeze to find your good old salted potato chip - ridged or unridged - sitting there in the snack aisle.
Over beyond across the pond, however, things are very different. Sinister almost.
The pickled onion to which you refer is just another flavo(u)r of our beloved snack. There is, I think, a law in the UK and Ireland (not so stringently enforced in England, but MAN those Irish are strict) that regular salted crisps (chips to you, matey) are banned. You cannot find them, purchase them, or even dream about them. All crisps must be flavou..ok... flavored with cheese & onion, roast beef and mustard, peking duck, smokey bacon or somesuch nonsense.
I repeat. There shall be no regular salted crisps.
I have recently been able to purchase salt and vinegar chips right here in New York State! Think of the children!
posted by Sk4n at 8:59 PM on October 3, 2006
That is all very well, except for the awful abuse that the poor spud is subject to on its way to becoming a crisp. Now we might get the odd Sour Cream 'n' Onion or Extra Cheeze varieties here in the US, but usually it is a breeze to find your good old salted potato chip - ridged or unridged - sitting there in the snack aisle.
Over beyond across the pond, however, things are very different. Sinister almost.
The pickled onion to which you refer is just another flavo(u)r of our beloved snack. There is, I think, a law in the UK and Ireland (not so stringently enforced in England, but MAN those Irish are strict) that regular salted crisps (chips to you, matey) are banned. You cannot find them, purchase them, or even dream about them. All crisps must be flavou..ok... flavored with cheese & onion, roast beef and mustard, peking duck, smokey bacon or somesuch nonsense.
I repeat. There shall be no regular salted crisps.
I have recently been able to purchase salt and vinegar chips right here in New York State! Think of the children!
posted by Sk4n at 8:59 PM on October 3, 2006
i_am_joe's_spleen: Barry Crump? Came a Hot Friday?
Do you know how much mental anguish you're causing me, trying to pick that reference?
posted by Infinite Jest at 9:19 PM on October 3, 2006
Do you know how much mental anguish you're causing me, trying to pick that reference?
posted by Infinite Jest at 9:19 PM on October 3, 2006
It is not a reference. I am so gratified.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 9:36 PM on October 3, 2006
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 9:36 PM on October 3, 2006
Attempting to mollify Descartes, the bartender asked if he would like some pickled onion crisps with his pint.
posted by hattifattener at 9:57 PM on October 3, 2006 [1 favorite]
I think not,said Descartes, and disappeared.
posted by hattifattener at 9:57 PM on October 3, 2006 [1 favorite]
these two racehorces are seated at a bar drinking beers. one turns to the other and says "maughan! the craziest shit! today i was at the belmont, in the 4th race and i got this weird tingling sensation in my spine and in my tail and i shot ahead of the field and won by a nose!" the other horse looks over and replies "sal! that's fucking crazy! i was down at the stakes just the other day and got this weird tingling sensation in my spine, my tail and my legs and i shot ahead of everybody and won by a whole length!"
a greyhound at the end of the bar, drinking a martini, who's been listening says "holy shit! you guys! i was at the track the other day running and i got this weird tingling sensation in my tail, my spine, my legs -- right up to the tip of my nose -- and i shot ahead and won by a mile! i almost got the fucking rabbit!"
and the one horse looks at the other and says:
"look. a talking dog"
posted by punkbitch at 12:44 AM on October 4, 2006
a greyhound at the end of the bar, drinking a martini, who's been listening says "holy shit! you guys! i was at the track the other day running and i got this weird tingling sensation in my tail, my spine, my legs -- right up to the tip of my nose -- and i shot ahead and won by a mile! i almost got the fucking rabbit!"
and the one horse looks at the other and says:
"look. a talking dog"
posted by punkbitch at 12:44 AM on October 4, 2006
What's black and white and drinks like a horse?
a zebra.
posted by patricio at 3:52 AM on October 4, 2006
a zebra.
posted by patricio at 3:52 AM on October 4, 2006
You can't beat a nice quiet English pub with fresh steaming piles of horseshit matted into the carpet.
posted by snoktruix at 4:20 AM on October 4, 2006
posted by snoktruix at 4:20 AM on October 4, 2006
Shit, now I wish I had a second account for making jockey comments.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 8:12 AM on October 4, 2006
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 8:12 AM on October 4, 2006
How many Jews does it take to screw in a lightbulb??
Wait, what are we talking about again?
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 8:44 AM on October 4, 2006
Wait, what are we talking about again?
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 8:44 AM on October 4, 2006
An American tourist was driving in County Kerry, when his motor stopped. He got out to see if he could locate the trouble. A voice behind him said, "The trouble is the carburetor." He turned around and only saw an old horse. The horse said again, "It's the carburetor that's not working." The American nearly died with fright, and dashed into the nearest pub, had a large whiskey, and told Murphy the bartender what the horse had said to him.
Murphy said, "Well, don't pay any attention to him, he knows nothing about cars anyway."
doh
posted by baker dave at 8:49 AM on October 4, 2006
Murphy said, "Well, don't pay any attention to him, he knows nothing about cars anyway."
doh
posted by baker dave at 8:49 AM on October 4, 2006
How many Jews does it take to screw in a lightbulb??
*stamps foot three times*
posted by gigawhat? at 9:33 AM on October 4, 2006
*stamps foot three times*
posted by gigawhat? at 9:33 AM on October 4, 2006
... and orders an ale. Bartender asks, "Yawannit dark?" To which the horse replies, "no, make it a pail."
got very little
posted by Fezboy! at 11:45 AM on October 4, 2006
got very little
posted by Fezboy! at 11:45 AM on October 4, 2006
*Beer commercial weighs in with horse in bar joke via YouTube*
posted by dog food sugar at 4:09 PM on October 4, 2006
posted by dog food sugar at 4:09 PM on October 4, 2006
Now that you mention it, Smedleyman, I used to have job performing bris on horses.
The pay wasn't much, but the tips were huge.
posted by Mr Bismarck at 11:22 PM on October 4, 2006
The pay wasn't much, but the tips were huge.
posted by Mr Bismarck at 11:22 PM on October 4, 2006
The Lone Ranger and Tonto, hot and exhausted from the trail, walk into a bar and sit down to have a beer. After a few minutes a cowboy walks in and, asks “Who owns the big white horse tied up out front?”
Expecting a fight, the Lone Ranger stands and says, “That’s my horse, Silver. Who are you and why do you want to know?”
The cowboy shrugs and says, “I’m just the man telling you that your horse is near death and needs some water.”
After thanking the cowboy, the Lone Ranger rushes outside with Tonto. Sure enough, Silver is not looking too good. The Lone Ranger gets a bucket of water and pours some of it over the horse and gives him the rest to drink. Feeling the hot stale air, he asks Tonto if he’d run around Silver for a while to create a breeze. Tonto replies, “Can do, Kemosabe,” and starts running in circles around Silver.
With Silver looking a little better and thinking there wasn’t much else he could do, the Lone Ranger ambles back into the bar and sits down.
A couple minutes later another cowboy comes in and asks, “Who owns the big white horse tied up outside?”
“That’d be me, and my horse’s name is Silver. What’s wrong now?”
The cowboy replies, “Mister, you left your injun running.”
posted by Skygazer at 3:43 PM on October 5, 2006
Expecting a fight, the Lone Ranger stands and says, “That’s my horse, Silver. Who are you and why do you want to know?”
The cowboy shrugs and says, “I’m just the man telling you that your horse is near death and needs some water.”
After thanking the cowboy, the Lone Ranger rushes outside with Tonto. Sure enough, Silver is not looking too good. The Lone Ranger gets a bucket of water and pours some of it over the horse and gives him the rest to drink. Feeling the hot stale air, he asks Tonto if he’d run around Silver for a while to create a breeze. Tonto replies, “Can do, Kemosabe,” and starts running in circles around Silver.
With Silver looking a little better and thinking there wasn’t much else he could do, the Lone Ranger ambles back into the bar and sits down.
A couple minutes later another cowboy comes in and asks, “Who owns the big white horse tied up outside?”
“That’d be me, and my horse’s name is Silver. What’s wrong now?”
The cowboy replies, “Mister, you left your injun running.”
posted by Skygazer at 3:43 PM on October 5, 2006
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I got nothing
posted by elwoodwiles at 2:55 PM on October 3, 2006 [1 favorite]