What you need is a good butt cleansing!

December 16, 2006 7:14 PM

Per request: Do you suffer from acne, bad breath, bloating, belching, constipation, diarrhea, digestive problems, allergies, fatigue, hair loss, decreased energy, headache, heartburn, gas, indigestion, insomnia, low energy, low sex drive, poor sexual performance, poor memory, protruding gut, reduced resistance to infections, skin problems, weight gain, difficulty losing weight or trimming down your waistline, colds, flu, cancer, cardiovascular disease, or arthritis? Well, then maybe you need a good colon cleansing. Some say it works, some say it's bunk. One such product offers stunning examples of what you might expel (many of these links are NSFW or for the squeamish)
posted by c:\awesome (130 comments total)

Damn! Maybe I shouldn't have looked at those while I was eating? The first guy in the examples link seems pretty impressed with his crap. Of cours,e I'd probably have honey-come-see-this-moment too if I crapped an innertube.
posted by fenriq at 7:22 PM on December 16, 2006

What's the Eddie Murphy quote that belongs here?

Nutty Professor?

Anyone?

Bueller?
posted by evilcolonel at 7:23 PM on December 16, 2006

Who needs colon cleansing? That's what my poo looks like every day.
posted by Meatbomb at 7:25 PM on December 16, 2006

Meatbomb, nope, you don't need a colon cleansing, you need a doctor!
posted by fenriq at 7:28 PM on December 16, 2006

Papa Klump: You want your colon cleansed? Fine, I'm gonna clean mine! [Farts.] There, my colon is clean. My colon is squeaky clean!
posted by mr_crash_davis at 7:29 PM on December 16, 2006

Wait, is this different from the enema stuff we discussed previously? It is! There is no end of interesting stuff going on down there.
posted by tew at 7:32 PM on December 16, 2006

What exactly are they ingesting? It sort of looks like their intestines are peeling or something. Is there a doctor in the house? I want to hear a medical opinion on this.
posted by Hildegarde at 7:33 PM on December 16, 2006

Don't these people know you're supposed to crap IN the toilet, not on the seat?
posted by IronLizard at 7:34 PM on December 16, 2006 [2 favorites]

Thank you. (I requested it). I'm still scared.
posted by unSane at 7:35 PM on December 16, 2006

What the fuck.
posted by liquorice at 7:40 PM on December 16, 2006

I'm thinking that the Colonix stuff is some weird gunk that gels in the intestine, causing you to crap christmas streamers and imagine that they were there *just waiting to be crapped* the whole time. Am I right?

My favorite coffee used to be a large drip coffee with a triple-shot of espresso, in it, which a Barrista of my acquaintance used to refer to (not inaccurately) as 'the Roto Rooter'.
posted by unSane at 7:44 PM on December 16, 2006

Simple physics, really. If your main elimination channel isn't working right then the rest of you will have a difficult time maintaining equilibrium. Do a cleanse at least every spring if you know what's good for you.
posted by Burhanistan at 7:44 PM on December 16, 2006

LOL. The Colon Nazi is called 'Nora Crudelle'. My sides ache!
posted by unSane at 7:45 PM on December 16, 2006

MMMMMmm! Kebobs!
posted by BrodieShadeTree at 7:45 PM on December 16, 2006

Google images for colon cleansing are entertaining. (yuck)
posted by nickyskye at 7:46 PM on December 16, 2006

I prefer semicolon cleansing, myself.
posted by jonmc at 7:46 PM on December 16, 2006 [1 favorite]

Oh, and here's more eye candy for you. (I sometimes use but don't necessarily endorse Dr. Schultze's products but find him amusing)
posted by Burhanistan at 7:46 PM on December 16, 2006

Yesterday botfiles...today horrible horrible turds. I wouldn't want to limit the disgusting possiblities for tomorrow by asking what's next....
posted by Burhanistan at 7:47 PM on December 16, 2006 [1 favorite]

I love how all these people poop on the toilet seat or poke their crap with a stick. I pay so little attention to my shit that I have no idea if it can do tricks or not. If it can, I'm not gonna post its tricks on the internets.
posted by croutonsupafreak at 7:49 PM on December 16, 2006

Damn you, cCOLONbackslash. Damn you all to hell!
posted by jonson at 7:49 PM on December 16, 2006

unSane writes....
I'm thinking that the Colonix stuff is some weird gunk that gels in the intestine, causing you to crap christmas streamers and imagine that they were there *just waiting to be crapped* the whole time. Am I right?

Pretty much. No one has ever reported one of these streamers when they weren't taking a colon cleaning product, and gastroentologists who have cut into thousands of intestines deny ever seeing them "in place".

Of course, that's just what Big Intestinal Medicine wants you to think.
posted by tkolar at 7:52 PM on December 16, 2006

Metafilter: Yesterday botfiles...today horrible horrible turds
posted by unSane at 7:53 PM on December 16, 2006

I didn't want to say it in the first comment in the thread but some of those close ups of the poo have hidden pictures of naked chicks in them.
posted by fenriq at 7:53 PM on December 16, 2006

A pot of tea. The entire pot. That will do the trick.
posted by Hildegarde at 7:53 PM on December 16, 2006

unSane, we're always horrible, horrible turds. Or were you talking about the links in the post?
posted by fenriq at 7:54 PM on December 16, 2006

This post is total crap. hah.
posted by BrodieShadeTree at 7:56 PM on December 16, 2006

Why does Ray A. have a fork and a bottle of pickles tucked away under his toiler?
posted by c:\awesome at 7:57 PM on December 16, 2006

and his toilet too!
posted by c:\awesome at 7:58 PM on December 16, 2006

Those "streamers" are more accurately referred to as "casings", since the colon cleanse product scours the sides of the intestine and forces it to sort of cough out the impacted fecal matter stuck to the intestinal walls...it's usually a very thin amount. If it were actually a solid log like they appear, the person burdened by such a turd would probably be close to death.

As it is, most of those out there heavy meat/low fiber diet most certainly have a bit of the casing action going on. Gradually it gets more constricted and constipation becomes more frequent, and colon/rectal cancer is the eventual result. Also, blood/liver poisoning, lower back pain from expanded intestines pushing against the spine, and a whole host of seemingly unreleated ailments can be traced to carrying around too much shit inside you.


posted by Burhanistan at 7:58 PM on December 16, 2006

So basically what you're saying is that I should stop eating paintballs... ?
posted by (bb|[^b]{2}) at 8:01 PM on December 16, 2006

Regardless of the fact that I happened to be eating when I read this, kudos to c:\awesome for the excellent post.
posted by p3on at 8:02 PM on December 16, 2006

Stomach larva, eye worms, botfly infestations and now giant turds? It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas alright. :)
posted by hojoki at 8:03 PM on December 16, 2006

Where are the doctors? SOMEONE TELL ME THIS IS BULLSHIT, PLEASE.
posted by IronLizard at 8:04 PM on December 16, 2006

Undiagnosed food allergies are probably the cause of a good deal of mental illness in children.
posted by Burhanistan at 10:00 PM CST on December 12

Burhanistan: You wouldn't mind linking to a source for some of your information, would you?
posted by jaronson at 8:11 PM on December 16, 2006

Pretty sure it's bullshit fake. At least in the sense that this stuff exists in the colon, and the colon-cleanse-nonsense cleans it out. I side with the "Gelling" theory; that the product just sort of links everything together in a gross chain. leading people to think that it was like that already.
posted by exlotuseater at 8:12 PM on December 16, 2006

There's no way I'm looking at the pix, but I am interested in what a real doc has to say about this.
posted by Mid at 8:13 PM on December 16, 2006

IronLizard: No, it's people shit.
posted by papakwanz at 8:13 PM on December 16, 2006

I think Burhanistan is full of shit. Or not. Or...something.
posted by MrMoonPie at 8:15 PM on December 16, 2006

Burhanistan, cites please or admit either (1) you took some or (2) astroturfing
posted by unSane at 8:16 PM on December 16, 2006

jaronson, my source on that one was a nutritionist (retired RN) I know who practices in DC and has cured many children of so-called ADHD by simply accurately diagnosing food allergies that were making their systems chaotic. Thanks for asking.
posted by Burhanistan at 8:18 PM on December 16, 2006

The linked Snopes article is interesting, though it doesn't debunk the, er, bunk in the pictures.
posted by Hildegarde at 8:19 PM on December 16, 2006

unSane, certainly not astroturfing, that would imply a sinsiter Big Colon Cleanse lobby out there trying to seem grass roots. I have taken a different cleanse product, but most of them consist of similar ingredients (psylium husk, activated charcoal, and other un-digestibles that get scooted along through the tract). I don't care if you believe me or not.
posted by Burhanistan at 8:20 PM on December 16, 2006

Burhanistan...did the results look like the ones in the pictures? Were you moved to take photographs? Would you like to share with the class?
posted by Hildegarde at 8:22 PM on December 16, 2006

Burhanistan, I'm legitimately curious about the process (and after the eye worms I'm still a little timid about clicking all the links.

So, you take this product... it's like a pill? A drink? And then... poop city? Are you immediately rushing for the toilet, or does it take a while? Then when you poop, is it like you're on there for 10 minutes then you're done, or do you have to keep going back throughout the day for encores?
posted by papakwanz at 8:24 PM on December 16, 2006

Haha...no, those pictures are from people with extreme impaction or constipation. I only took the cleanse product at work (nice office toilets with turbojet flush). Geez, if you must know...I had one "loaf" the size of my arm but then the rest was pretty normal. I'm fairly young and healthy, though.
posted by Burhanistan at 8:24 PM on December 16, 2006

Perhaps I'll start a cleanse blog...
posted by Burhanistan at 8:24 PM on December 16, 2006

I keep the photos of my poop in my wallet.
posted by papakwanz at 8:25 PM on December 16, 2006 [1 favorite]

Once again, I say: a pot of tea. It's a much cheaper cleansing product.
posted by Hildegarde at 8:25 PM on December 16, 2006

You should never shit anything the size of your arm.

I'm just saying.


Burhanistan, thanks for sharing. I mean it.
posted by unSane at 8:27 PM on December 16, 2006

Papakwanz, the vehicle varies. The one I took was a 1 - 2 punch consisting of herbal laxatives for a day or so, then horsepills (capsules) fiilled with undigestible matter like psylium husk, willow root, charcoal, ground up cinder blocks, etc. The second step was 5 days, and 5 pills 5 times a day. Average defecation cycle was about 3.5 per day, with quick and painless release. YMMV, as is said. I'm not a huge meat eater and get plenty of fruits and vegetables so there wasn't a problem to begin with really...just was very curious.
posted by Burhanistan at 8:27 PM on December 16, 2006

And here I was racking my brain for a good subject to photograph. Is turdfilter.com taken?

On second though, I'll leave the glory to someone else.
posted by IronLizard at 8:27 PM on December 16, 2006

undigestible matter like psylium husk, willow root, charcoal, ground up cinder blocks, etc.

Ahh, that completely explains everything.
posted by IronLizard at 8:28 PM on December 16, 2006

@Burhanistan: the best URL is already taken. :(
posted by c:\awesome at 8:29 PM on December 16, 2006

Three words: German shelf toilet.
posted by MrMoonPie at 8:29 PM on December 16, 2006

semicolon cleansing. ha! ;)
posted by nickyskye at 8:29 PM on December 16, 2006

ground up cinder blocks

You were literally shitting bricks.
posted by IronLizard at 8:29 PM on December 16, 2006 [1 favorite]

IronLizard, indeed...most of what comes out is in fact the product going in. But also things like heavy metal deposits, old impacted matter from ventriculosis, and other nasty things like that cafteria cheeseburger from last year come out along with all the cleansing product.
posted by Burhanistan at 8:30 PM on December 16, 2006

c:\awesome: Dang, will have to call it shitbusters.com or something instead.
posted by Burhanistan at 8:31 PM on December 16, 2006

"pot of tea"

What kind of tea? I normally put away a whole pot of Chinese tea when eating out (the goofy "Good Fortune" stuff), but I never see any cleansing happening afterwards.

Don't even ask me about the damage I can do to a nice pot of strong Irish tea. ;)
posted by Liosliath at 8:33 PM on December 16, 2006

Burhanistan: [I] just was very curious.

About what's up your ass?

You, my friend, are a true lover of knowledge.
posted by papakwanz at 8:34 PM on December 16, 2006

Burhanistan: *cough*bullshit*cough*
posted by MikeKD at 8:37 PM on December 16, 2006

papakwanz: Knowledge for knowledge's sake, yes. For what it's worth I felt lighter and cleaner afterwards. A sort of toilet stall confessional if you will.
posted by Burhanistan at 8:38 PM on December 16, 2006

Black tea of your choice. Earl Grey, English Breakfast, Orange Pekoe, whatever. A kettle's worth. Though I suspect the only reason you're not getting results from the chinese tea is that those pots are too small.

Suddenly I feel so close to everyone here, having this conversation. Are we bonding?
posted by Hildegarde at 8:40 PM on December 16, 2006

Christ, I'm not defending it, I'm telling you my experience. Whoever had long strings of luminous whatever clearly messed up.
posted by Burhanistan at 8:41 PM on December 16, 2006

Are we bonding?

Does bonding make you feel slightly nauseous and in need of a stiff drink? If so, then yes.
posted by IronLizard at 8:43 PM on December 16, 2006

Instead of tea, how about a gallon of mountain dew?
posted by IronLizard at 8:45 PM on December 16, 2006

Don't fear your colon, IronLizard. You are what you eat! ;)
posted by Hildegarde at 8:46 PM on December 16, 2006

Try it! Report back!
posted by Hildegarde at 8:46 PM on December 16, 2006

Don't have to. I live on the stuff. I am still alive (so far). Anything else and I get hypoglycemic, fatigued and generally become even more of an asshole that usual.
posted by IronLizard at 8:50 PM on December 16, 2006

Err, than. Than usual.
posted by IronLizard at 8:50 PM on December 16, 2006

My eyes! My eyes! Completely fucked!

Yikes! I'm running away from my computer now.
posted by mooncrow at 8:51 PM on December 16, 2006

Really! Interesting bit of self-medication. Whatever works, eh?
posted by Hildegarde at 8:51 PM on December 16, 2006

I think the correct term is 'addiction'.
posted by IronLizard at 8:53 PM on December 16, 2006

They say the only time we are conscious of feeling healthy is just after we have felt really f'n sick.

Certainly my experience.

I think that entirely explains feeling good after taking this shit.
posted by unSane at 8:56 PM on December 16, 2006

"Congratulations! You've just necrosed the mucosal layer of your intestinal lumen."
posted by brownpau at 8:57 PM on December 16, 2006

This is bound to start off an AskMe question or two. I hope some real doctors jump in.
posted by Kickstart70 at 8:59 PM on December 16, 2006

AHA! Thanks for the link, brownpau, and thanks to wdpeck for the explanation. Good to know our cynical guts (ahem) were right about this being fishy.
posted by Hildegarde at 9:01 PM on December 16, 2006

So it's decided, then? Colonics just kill the mucous layer of an otherwise healthy intestine and then you shit it out? Good day to you, sirs.

That bright orange and black one was the worst.
posted by Arthur "Two Sheds" Jackson at 9:06 PM on December 16, 2006

I love how carefully arranged the shit is around the toilet bowls. Somewhere in the world there's a janitor that's really fucking pissed off.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 9:12 PM on December 16, 2006

Being a very old school IT geek, I can report that a gallon of Mountain Dew drunk in a very short time does not result in colon cleansing. As for the other effects, I'm not talking.

What size kettle? Say, 5-6 12 ounce cups of tea, or more?
posted by Liosliath at 9:28 PM on December 16, 2006

That should do it. But your results may vary, of course.
posted by Hildegarde at 9:38 PM on December 16, 2006

That's gotta hurt
posted by spacelux at 9:40 PM on December 16, 2006

APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE COLON
posted by loquacious at 9:46 PM on December 16, 2006 [3 favorites]

This thread is full of shit - again
posted by growabrain at 9:48 PM on December 16, 2006

OK, Hildegarde, do you want a direct report after the kettle test, or is this enough bonding for one evening? I should post in Projects afterwards - just kidding.
posted by Liosliath at 9:52 PM on December 16, 2006

Just in time for Christmas, the Great Metafilter Colon Blow.
posted by tkolar at 9:59 PM on December 16, 2006

Ok, I'm not sure what those people with all the yellow stringy things are taking, but it certainly wasn't my experience. You're likely to get as many answers as people you asked if you query a gastroenterologist or other allopath on the veracity of colon cleansing. I recommended the product I took to a few friends and they were better of for having taken it (free movement). And now I've described it to strangers. Seems the second law of thermo-shit dynamics is in full effect here.

I've not had a colonoscopy (colon cam), but know that preparing for one involves drinking a gallon or so of polyethylene glycol a day before the procedure. Maybe that's similar to whatever tea Hildegarde is drinking?
posted by Burhanistan at 10:07 PM on December 16, 2006

Burhanistan, now I know you're yanking our chain. I worked as a pharmacy tech for a while, and that stuff patients have to drink before the colonoscopy is horrid.
posted by Liosliath at 10:11 PM on December 16, 2006

"PEG preparation (NuLytely, Colyte, Golytely, Trilyte)
____ Between 4 PM and 6 PM the day before your colonoscopy begin drinking P.E.G. colon solution, which you have mixed ahead of time and chilled. Drink a glassful (8 ounces) every 15 minutes until the entire gallon is gone. Your bowels may begin to move in about 30-60 minutes."

O RLY?
posted by Liosliath at 10:13 PM on December 16, 2006

Liosliath, and by the end of the gallon the colon owner has to run to the toilet as often as he/she is downing a glass of yummy glycol.
posted by Burhanistan at 10:16 PM on December 16, 2006

Is it the volume of liquid or the chemical properties that causes that?
posted by Liosliath at 10:18 PM on December 16, 2006

Synergy betwixt.
posted by Burhanistan at 10:19 PM on December 16, 2006

Thanks to a recent whole-body cleanse, my colon is so clean you can eat off it.

Part of some colon cleanse regimens are bentonite gel and ground psyllium seed husks. 3 times a day for a week, you make up a yummy little bentonite clay and psyllium seed shake and drink it down. The bentonite reacts with water and swells. From what I can tell, the bentonite expands to fill the colon and the crushed psyllium seed coating scrubs the walls. As a result, several times a day, you birth the stuff in those pictures. My guess is that the really gross ropey solid you see there is the expanded bentonite clay with a delicious coating of liquid feces.
posted by eatyourlunch at 10:27 PM on December 16, 2006

My mom had a colonoscopy about a year ago. She fasted for a couple of days, drank the juice, et cetera and so on. As she was lying on the table, drifting in and out of consciousness, she heard the doctor muttering something like "...nggrrghhOrvilleRedenbacherngrrjjgg..."

I saw the pictures.

I never ate popcorn again.
posted by granted at 10:28 PM on December 16, 2006

I'm hoping the tea cleansing doesn't have the same kind of synergy.
posted by Liosliath at 10:29 PM on December 16, 2006

i think that all those people who flock to sites where an outline/likeness of the virgin mary allegedly appears in a tree trunk, window pane, or grilled-cheese sandwich would feel pretty silly if a colonix customer produced a likeness of the blessed mother and laid it out on their toilet rim.
posted by angrycandy at 10:52 PM on December 16, 2006

Thanks to a recent whole-body cleanse, my colon is so clean you can eat off it.

Do you take reservations? 'Cause Valentine's Day is coming up and I'm looking for a dark, romantic, out-of-the-way place to eat.
posted by kirkaracha at 11:34 PM on December 16, 2006 [4 favorites]

I've shadowed a gastroenterologist. I've seen more colonoscopies than I ever wanted to. There is nothing like this in peoples' colons.
posted by Frankieist at 11:42 PM on December 16, 2006

Simple physics, really. If your main elimination channel isn't working right then the rest of you will have a difficult time maintaining equilibrium. Do a cleanse at least every spring if you know what's good for you.

What the hell? That's not any sort of "physics".

I wish Ikkyu2 was around...

I only took the cleanse product at work (nice office toilets with turbojet flush).

I'm sure your co-workers would be happy to know that...
posted by delmoi at 11:42 PM on December 16, 2006

Paid for by the Committee for Even Washing The Butt.
posted by medialyte at 11:43 PM on December 16, 2006 [1 favorite]

kirkaracha said...

Thanks to a recent whole-body cleanse, my colon is so clean you can eat off it.

Do you take reservations? 'Cause Valentine's Day is coming up and I'm looking for a dark, romantic, out-of-the-way place to eat.

I'm guessing you're going to want to skip the candelight.
posted by tkolar at 11:51 PM on December 16, 2006

The great Phil Hartman in the classic Colon Blow Saturday Night Live bit. (embedded quicktime vid)

I, too, would like to hear an MD's take on this.
posted by wsg at 12:05 AM on December 17, 2006

I have to back Burhanistan up. I, too, have tried one of those "Cleansing Systems" that I picked up from GNC, and other than being more "regular" there really was nothing negative nor spectacular about the experience. Granted at the time I hadn't heard (or seen) about Dr Natura or about what I might possibly encounter. Not that I would have looked.

As for Dr Natura and all those people who actually 1) take pictures of their poop and 2) post the pictures on the Internets, I'm inclined to categorize them as fetishists -- sick, depraved, fetishists -- but who am I to judge?
posted by tu11ym0n at 12:44 AM on December 17, 2006

Eat about two apples per week. Always have an apple in the house for when you're feeling blue. Eat an apple instead of taking a headache pill.

As you can see, I think apples are a miracle food.
posted by emf at 1:18 AM on December 17, 2006

No, you're wrong. Mountain Dew is the miracle food (drink?).
posted by IronLizard at 3:21 AM on December 17, 2006

Is it the volume of liquid or the chemical properties that causes that?

It's mostly the chemical properties, but the volume helps. Polyethylene glycol is not absorbed by cells due to its high molecular weight, so if you happen to have a gallon of it sitting around in your gut, osmotic pressure causes water to rush out of the cells lining the intestine and into the bowels. This is the source of the "cleansing" effect.

Incidentally, my significant other recently did a month-long gastroenterology rotation and concurs with Frankieist: there is simply nothing like the stuff in the examples link lurking around in people's colons. It's just a combination of cleansing gunk, instestinal lining, and good ol' fashioned shit molded into funny shapes.
posted by purplemonkie at 6:19 AM on December 17, 2006

Dibs on the sockpuppet name Big Colon Cleanse Lobby.
posted by M.C. Lo-Carb! at 7:31 AM on December 17, 2006

Cricket's colonic.
posted by leftcoastbob at 7:32 AM on December 17, 2006

I would truly not want to try anything that resulted in me being obsessed with my poop, especially to the extent of photographing it and posting the pictures. Can you imagine a potential employer, or, better yet, date, googling you and finding that?

If you must try colonblowing at home: For colonoscopy prep, I had to drink phosphosoda. It pulls a lot of water into the intestine and is very quickly very effective. Better yet, just eat a diet rich in soluble and insoluble fiber and find something better to worry about.
posted by theora55 at 7:54 AM on December 17, 2006

This post is total crap. hah.
posted by BrodieShadeTree at 7:56 PM PST on December 16

I don't get it.
posted by Land Stander at 8:12 AM on December 17, 2006

If you actually have any real impacted fecal matter in your colon, you are likely to be gravely and obviously ill.

"Mucoid plaque" and "impacted feces" in people who, you know, are actually still able to move their bowels, are pure alt-med fantasy. Medical personnel whose great privilege it is to peer up people's arses all day long simply do not ever witness such things.

The weird cleansing products are like the more obviously ridiculous "ear candles", in that they create what they claim to be eliminating.

Just because that story about John Wayne was in "Beverly Hills Cop" doesn't mean it's true.
posted by dansdata at 10:28 AM on December 17, 2006

The toxin delusion is so strong, often among such bright people, that it needs its own Dawkins. A lot of therapies, practices, and treatments, from hot yoga to some spas and this crap, make you feel better for a variety of reasons. In selling those treatments, however, the idea of "cleansing" your body is a powerful tool.

Colon cleansing, detoxification, and related practices have been thoroughly debunked in places like this but there's a reason why their adherents are so insistent.

Witness, for example, Burhanistan, who sounds like all three of the people I know who have taken this product, and also the way I did when I took a similar one. I should also say Burhunistan is often quite reasonable and lucid on askmefi.

Not here: "Do a cleanse at least every spring if you know what's good for you," and, in one of sixteen or so posts, "I don't care whether you believe me or not." I don't think this is astroturfing, I think it's typical of consumers of these products.

The results are so tangible and visual, and the narrative so persuasive, that it's a superb and highly resilient snake oil. Marketers play upon inbuilt fears of poisoning, disease, and wormy parasites, and sell you a product that makes you expel horrors that you've never seen before. Genius, really--because the physical experience is so persuasive that critical thinking can barely compete.

(Like many members of developed societies, I also find it tempting to believe that something I consume will make me healthy--and compensate for all the bad stuff I've consumed. It's a perfect, passive solution.)

Most of these results can be easily replicated by going from a low-fiber diet to a high-fiber one. As for the explanations--"last year's cheeseburger," "heavy metal deposits"-- well, there we head into Nephelokokkygia. Better to spend less time contemplating production.

Western medicine may be struggling under the burden of arrogance, corrupt pharmas, and narrow thinking. A lot of alternative therapies and practices can make you feel better. But myths that are designed to sell products seldom prove true.

Note that "Dr. Natura" like all things good, alternative, holistic, and healthful, is located in an office park "only a 15 minute drive away from the world’s famous Las Vegas Strip."
posted by Phred182 at 10:48 AM on December 17, 2006 [6 favorites]

colon.............
colon.............
colon 'neath my liver.........
da da daaaah
da da daaaah
da da da da da da, da da daaaah.
posted by bruce at 10:53 AM on December 17, 2006

I can't believe I read the whole thing.
posted by Darth Fedor at 12:03 PM on December 17, 2006

Disgusting. In more ways than one.

Only in a population which takes basic health and sanitation for granted, do people have the luxury of essentially giving themselves cholera or dysentery to "improve" their health.

Many such intestinal illnesses irritate the mucus lining of the intestine and cause it to be shed (cholera, because it causes the excretion of massive amounts of water, looks like "rice water" with almost nothing in it).

As the paramedic / RN in training (linked above) says, no one who is not already in good health should do this.
posted by bad grammar at 12:14 PM on December 17, 2006

Colonics is about the stupidest practice imaginable. A few million years of evolution as an opportunistic omnivorous animal, and these people think our guts don't take good care of themselves all on their own? A few hundred thousand doctors sticking videocameras up people's asses each and every day and not one of them reports the kinds of things colonics scam artists claim?

Stupid. In fact, I think it'd be fair to say that colonics promoters have their heads lodged far, far up their asses.
posted by five fresh fish at 1:00 PM on December 17, 2006

I'll share my cleansing experience, though:

I got struck with salmonella poisoning. It was living hell. I actively and passionately desired death as a release from the pain, but I was far too busy shitting myself to do anything about it.

My intestinal lining died and peeled out. I bled, I hurt, I probably should have ended up in the hospital (but couldn't keep from shitting long enough to make the ten minute drive).

Every single thing in my guts was expelled, and perhaps a few essential organs as well.

If you really want to cleanse, eat some salmonella.
posted by five fresh fish at 1:03 PM on December 17, 2006

This is testing the limits of my empathy.

Try as I might, I really can't grok the kind of personality type who would take pictures of his or her dookie and post it to the internet.

I am so confounded it aint even funny.
posted by jason's_planet at 5:03 PM on December 17, 2006

^^ wtf, i'm never eating salmon again
posted by tehloki at 5:17 PM on December 17, 2006 [1 favorite]

Salmonella has little to do with salmon. It is often found in undercooked chicken, however.
posted by IronLizard at 7:36 PM on December 17, 2006

Your bowels may begin to move in about 30-60 minutes.

As my Dad memorably said, and I can attest to this personally because I've had one too: don't leave any doors shut between you and the toilet.

I hadn't realised that you can be physically exhausted from shitting, shitting, shitting, if you can call expelling a seemingly neverending stream of liquid "shitting".

Having said that, please don't let this put you off colonoscopies, folks. It's far better to have a little discomfort every few years than to die of colon cancer. My father would be dead right now had some tumours not been spotted through colonoscopy. He was completely asymptomatic even though his colon was half-blocked by a tumour.

Also you get a really good dose of Valium before they stick the camera up there, which makes the whole procedure pass in a happy daze.

I can also say confidently that my colon is shiny pink and unblemished all the way up, despite several decades of meat-eating. My specialist has it on video. The colon cleanse stuff is bullshit.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 8:10 PM on December 17, 2006

i'm never eating salmon again

That's the best takeaway from this thread I could imagine.
posted by Mid at 8:17 PM on December 17, 2006

Wow! My shit looks so elongated and clay-like! ALMOST AS IF I HAD BEEN EATING CLAY!
posted by Tikirific at 11:52 PM on December 17, 2006

Holy shit!

I've often wondered about this stuffs legitimacy, thanks for the input folks.
posted by Pollomacho at 12:27 AM on December 18, 2006

The products are based on bentonite clay.

GoLyteLy and related products used to flush the colon before colonoscopy are indeed polyethylene glycol with a special balance of salts. Polyethylene glycol is a solute that can't be absorbed by the colon; its osmotic strength holds water in the colon. The salts are necessary to prevent the unusual osmotic situation from catastrophically altering the blood sodium and potassium levels. Usually, liquids are absorbed in the colon; the net effect of drinking a gallon of PEG-electrolyte solution is that a gallon of liquid, mostly water, comes out the other end. This is sufficient to empty the colon of its contents; "scrubbing" and "gelling" are not required.

I have seen several colonoscopies. There is nothing like the stuff in the pictures in people's colons. There is no health benefit to the programs espoused on these quack websites.

As for those pictures, God alone knows. I suspect they're faked. After all, bentonite clay for industrial uses costs pennies per pound; these guys mark it up 100-fold. They have a strong incentive to deceive you into purchasing their worthless products.

Did you really need me to tell you this?
posted by ikkyu2 at 2:13 AM on December 18, 2006 [3 favorites]

No, but it's good to hear it from you, Doctor.
posted by exlotuseater at 2:24 AM on December 18, 2006

jason's_planet writes "Try as I might, I really can't grok the kind of personality type who would take pictures of his or her dookie and post it to the internet."

I'm guessing it's closely related to the "see, I told you I was sick" personality type. You can find those most often in health food stores. They're quickly recognizable by the pallor of their skin, undernourished look, long frail hair and constant evangelizing about "being one with nature".
posted by clevershark at 7:13 AM on December 18, 2006

You want to hear an M.D's take on this?

http://www.quackwatch.org/01QuackeryRelatedTopics/gastro.html
posted by escher at 8:24 AM on December 18, 2006

You can find those most often in health food stores. They're quickly recognizable by the pallor of their skin, undernourished look, long frail hair and constant evangelizing about "being one with nature".

I still don't understand them. But thanks for the warning.

Now, when I see this kind of character trying to make eye contact with me in the health food store, I will know that I should immediately proceed in the opposite direction, lose all knowledge of the English language, etc.

Much obliged.
posted by jason's_planet at 4:51 PM on December 18, 2006

Did you really need me to tell you this?

No, but it's very reassuring.
posted by IronLizard at 6:54 PM on December 18, 2006