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Hey, that's the answer! There's a whole lot of relephants in the circus.
January 16, 2007 7:27 PM   Subscribe

Elephant jokes. (And the reason some of you don't like them. Cretins.)
posted by DeepFriedTwinkies (52 comments total) 8 users marked this as a favorite

 
An accomplishment of truly elephantine proportions!

How do you keep an elephant from pissing all over your MetaFilter thread?
Promise him a Wii if he holds it in.
posted by wendell at 7:34 PM on January 16, 2007


My favorite elephant joke has always been:

Q: How do you get down off an elephant?
A: Make it duck.
posted by ErWenn at 7:37 PM on January 16, 2007


Put. The. Bong. Down.
posted by Dizzy at 7:44 PM on January 16, 2007


I don't know what the heck Tom Veatch is talking about. I loved those jokes, and I haven't seen 10 in a long, long time.
posted by facetious at 7:45 PM on January 16, 2007


How do you keep elephants out of your refrigerator?
Tell them there's a Pickle Surprise in there.

How do you keep elephants out of your Volkswagen?
Give them a PT Cruiser.

What do you call an elephant who speaks Spanish?
El Ephant.
posted by wendell at 7:45 PM on January 16, 2007


Dizzy. Pick. The. Bong. Up.
posted by wendell at 7:46 PM on January 16, 2007


I can't feel my legs.
posted by Dizzy at 7:48 PM on January 16, 2007


Ah, all my favourites, especially the one involving custard. Does that make me childish? Don't answer that.

Q. Where does an elephant sit when it visits your house?
A. Wherever it likes.
posted by Coaticass at 7:50 PM on January 16, 2007


Dang.
I think I have a parasitic disease known as "Lymphatic Filarisis", charactereised by thickening of my skin in my legs and genitals.
That's why I can't feel my legs.
I hate you, Elephantiasis!
posted by Dizzy at 7:52 PM on January 16, 2007


How do you get lymphatic filarisis on top of an oak tree?
posted by DeepFriedTwinkies at 7:56 PM on January 16, 2007


Sorry I mis-spelled "characterised" above, but as I suffer from a certain scrotal deformity that may or may not be exacerbated by persistant contact with alkaloids found in volcanic ash, I sometimes lose my focus.
I pray for a vaccine (sp?), but just try to keep said areas dry.
posted by Dizzy at 7:57 PM on January 16, 2007


Dee-Fr-Twi---
I tried to stuff the Oak into this really sweet l'il one-hitter, but I dropped it.
Because I suffer from Elephantiasis.


I hate my mother.
posted by Dizzy at 7:59 PM on January 16, 2007


These are not good jokes.
posted by longsleeves at 8:08 PM on January 16, 2007


You're a little late, DeepFriedTwinkies.
(Too lazy to find the actual posts, enjoy the old screenshot)

But I thank you for giving me something to read. I will surely memorize these and use them to reinforce the general concensus that I am not funny.
posted by CitrusFreak12 at 8:08 PM on January 16, 2007


Elephant jokes are a good thing, but I like science jokes better, such as:

A cation walked into a bar and shouted "I've lost an electron!"
The bartender asked "Are you sure?"
"I'M POSITIVE!"

A neutron walked into a bar. The bartender slapped a brewski down and said "No charge for you!"

Hey, what's new?
C over lambda!
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 8:09 PM on January 16, 2007 [2 favorites]


How do you make an elephant pick the bong up?

Put it down yourself and while you're at it, stop pointing the elephant gun at the elephant while screaming "die elephant die" wearing your ivory-tongued shoes and baby elephant mittens with your grey t-shirt that says in orange letters 'topsy deserved it'.
posted by lalochezia at 8:12 PM on January 16, 2007


longsleeves---
While I am considered quite "jiggy" and have "cheekbones" despite the prevalence of podoconiosis lurking in my mitochondria, I can only wonder if my chronic secondary skin infections make me retain water.
Thus I ask you---
Why do you hate Fat People Suffering From Elephantiasis?
posted by Dizzy at 8:12 PM on January 16, 2007


Diz, I'm sorry you can't feel your legs, but I sure as hell ain't gonna feel 'em for you.

Just keep your powder dry. Or keep dry with powder. And don't get your footprints in my butter.

How do you keep Dizzy from charging?
Take away his MetaFilter account.
posted by wendell at 8:12 PM on January 16, 2007


Pussy.
posted by Dizzy at 8:14 PM on January 16, 2007


Elephantiasshat.

Who was the greatest elephant singer of all time?
Elephant Gerald.

And how did that elephant get in my pajamas?
It'd be more interesting to know how it got you out of them.
posted by wendell at 8:17 PM on January 16, 2007


Sorry for that outburst.
But I just feel so alone, what with my fear that the common antibiotic Doxycycline administered during an eight-week course by the Honchos at the Liverpool School of Tropical Medicine might not kill the symbiotic worms responsible for my Elephantiasis.
posted by Dizzy at 8:18 PM on January 16, 2007


wendell, show us on the doll where the elephant touched you.
posted by nebulawindphone at 8:34 PM on January 16, 2007


A cop responds to a robbery report at a liquor store. When he gets there, he asks the clerk to describe the robber.

'It was an elephant,' replied the clerk.

The cop blinked. 'An elephant?'

'Yup,' said the clerk, 'an elephant robbed my liquor store.'

'Well,' said the cop, 'was it an African elephant or an Indian elephant?'

'What's the difference?' asked the clerk.

'An African elephant has great big ears,' explained the cop, 'where an Indian elephant has small ears.'

'Ah,' said the clerk, 'I couldn't tell, he had pantyhose on over his head.'
posted by davelog at 8:38 PM on January 16, 2007 [2 favorites]


But, it's not a doll. It's a stuffed elephant...
posted by wendell at 8:39 PM on January 16, 2007


Okay, I can't resist. A two-parter:

Why do elephants paint their testicles red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.


What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
Elephants picking cherries.
posted by peabody at 8:51 PM on January 16, 2007 [1 favorite]


I'm so ashamed.

That should be:

"Monkeys picking cherries."
posted by peabody at 8:52 PM on January 16, 2007


A joke isn't funny if you have to explain it.

Whadaya get if you cross an elephant with a rhinocerous?

ElephIKnow.
posted by paulsc at 8:56 PM on January 16, 2007


These links are excellent, especially the third one, thank you so much.

Q: What do you find between an elephant's toes?
A: Slow natives.
posted by Meatbomb at 8:57 PM on January 16, 2007


Please forgive my recent absence, but as I seem to be experiencing a general thickening and gross enlargement of several areas of my body,
I find many things I previously took for granted, vis a vis my penis and balls, to be palpably ulcerated and darkened.
Using a specially modified handset (because I have Elephantiasis) provided by The Order Of The Wisconsin Ganeshan Brothers, I am proud to report that noted film director Gus Van Zant has pledged a challenge grant in the amount of $250 (USD!) to help stock our larders with the vital meds Suramin, Diethylcarbamazine, Metrifonate, and even Levamisole, although its efficacy may be compromised by certain opportunistic infections.
Hats off to Gus!
posted by Dizzy at 9:06 PM on January 16, 2007


Why do ducks have flat feet?
For stamping out forest fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
For stamping out flaming ducks.
posted by cerebus19 at 9:16 PM on January 16, 2007


Anyone know where to get some Control-Top Hose?
I have a---erm---friend ---who has some ankle issues.
Please advise.
posted by Dizzy at 9:30 PM on January 16, 2007


When I lived in Luxembourg my roommate loved those elephant jokes ( I think he had them all memorized ) and would repeat them at every opportunity.

Boo I say! Boo!
posted by blue_beetle at 9:33 PM on January 16, 2007


First joke I ever learned:  a 2 part elephant joke.

How do you shoot a blue elephant?
    With a blue elephant gun.

How do you shoot a pink elephant?
    Squeeze him until he's blue & then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.


Why that was beyond hysterical to a 3 year-old version of me is still totally unfathomable.
posted by miss lynnster at 9:42 PM on January 16, 2007


Err. Ok. Dizzy. I like sharing my stash, but you really should ask first, especially since I keep it locked up. I hate to break it to you, but that wasn't weed. That was the custom blend of jimson weed, damiana and Diviner's sage I use ritually once a lunar month during my skyclad recitations of The Rime of the Ancient Mariner. There's a reason why you can't feel your legs, and it's the exact same reason why we need to get you to a hospital.
posted by loquacious at 10:02 PM on January 16, 2007


Wait---
Are you saying that I DON'T suffer from "The 'E' ?"
That I can Skip and Jump and Laugh and Play
like the Other Kids?
That I may, through Mild Adversity Drenched In A Happy Outcome, learn to respect and value Others Different Than Me?
Is that it?
posted by Dizzy at 10:13 PM on January 16, 2007


Q: What's red and white on the outside, gray on the inside?
A: Campbell's Cream of Elephant Soup.
posted by chipr at 10:39 PM on January 16, 2007


"What's red and invisible?"

"No Tomatoes"

That's the joke, elephant or no, though I loved these on the thread. I offer one more.

"What do you get if you cross a dead baby with a bottle of astroglide?"

"I dunno either, but I can't stop eating it!"

...Okay, maybe that doesn't qualify...
posted by Navelgazer at 11:45 PM on January 16, 2007


A dumb set from my youth:

Q. Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
A. So they can hide in cherry trees.

Q. Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
A. Works, doesn't it?

Q. Why do monkeys wear springs on their feet?
A. So they can jump up and kiss the elephants in the cherry trees.

Q. What sound do elephants hate worst?
A. "Sproing! Sproing! Sproing!"

I heard this joke line in Scouts, and I think it must have been sanitized for our consumption. It would be much, much funnier combined with peabody's testicle variant.
posted by Malor at 12:11 AM on January 17, 2007 [1 favorite]


These are seriously the worst jokes that man has ever produced. They also make me laugh.. a lot.
posted by tehloki at 1:02 AM on January 17, 2007


MetaFilter: Put. The. Bong. Down.

On topic:

Q. How do you get five elephants in a Volkswagen?

A. Two in the front, two in the back, and one in the trunk.

I can't believe they missed that one.
posted by bwg at 4:38 AM on January 17, 2007


I'm only giving you the punchline of this one:

"...I'm afraid he fingered me first."
posted by Jofus at 5:02 AM on January 17, 2007


2006-10-08 never forget
posted by Rhomboid at 6:40 AM on January 17, 2007


Elephant jokes?
I dunna know, Metafilter seems more like a dead baby joke kind of place.
posted by caddis at 7:41 AM on January 17, 2007


This thread is useless without pictures.
posted by quonsar
posted by dhartung at 8:21 AM on January 17, 2007


I think you missed your period.
Here it is: {.}
posted by Dizzy at 8:33 AM on January 17, 2007


Q: Why does an elephant have four feet?
A: Because eight inches isn't enough.

Not for the kiddies I guess.
posted by MikeMc at 8:43 AM on January 17, 2007 [1 favorite]


Malor, I think that's a sanitized version of this:

Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
A: So they can jump into trees and rape squirrels.

Q: To a squirrel, what's the most terrifying sound in the world?
A: "Sproing, sproing, sproing!"

Also for the adults:

Q: What should you do if you come across an elephant?
A: Wipe it off.

And finally, one that's actually suitable for children:

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a black Magic Marker?
A: An elephant with a big black "X" on him.
posted by Faint of Butt at 10:13 AM on January 17, 2007


Elephant Black Magic Marker sin(theta)?
posted by tehloki at 11:36 AM on January 17, 2007


Here's a barrage my friends and I launch at each other while stoned, drunk, or really fucking tired:

Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: It was dead.

Q: Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
A: It was tied to a dead monkey.

Q: Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
A: Peer pressure.

Q: Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree?
A: It was imitating a monkey.

Q: What do you say to an elephant?
A: Hi, elephant.

Q: What do you say to an elephant wearing sunglasses?
A: Hi, elephant.

Q: What do you say to an elephant wearing a hat and sunglasses?
A: Nothing. You don't recognize him.

Q: How did the elephant die?
A: It was crushed by a bunch of falling monkeys and one falling squirrel.

Q: Why did the plane crash?
A: Because the pilot was a loaf of bread.

Stoned, drunk, or tired, somebody's laughing.
posted by quite unimportant at 12:12 PM on January 17, 2007 [2 favorites]


Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a chicken?
A: A dead chicken with a big hole in it.
posted by forrest at 12:59 PM on January 17, 2007


My father told this joke to my mother shortly after they met:

Q: What's grey, and comes in quarts?
A: An elephant.

To this day (45-some years later) she still doesn't get the joke.
posted by davejay at 2:30 PM on January 17, 2007


I had always heard that one as 'what do elephants and seiko watches have in common - they both come in quartz'.
posted by davelog at 8:53 PM on January 17, 2007


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