Stuffed animals can make you even more lonely.

April 10, 2007 12:45 PM

It's not you, it's your apartment. Is your awful decor interfering with your love life? Maybe this lighting tutorial can help.
posted by hydrophonic (37 comments total)

Oh my god. My parents had those sheets.
posted by iguanapolitico at 12:48 PM on April 10, 2007

I have a feeling that the stuffed baby seal and sheets were the least of their problems...
posted by melt away at 1:00 PM on April 10, 2007

I own lots of comic books, action figures and other such "childish" paraphernalia. My wife is fine with the various collections, as long as I don't let them metastasize all over the house. That's one of the reasons I married her.
posted by Faint of Butt at 1:02 PM on April 10, 2007

Stuffed animals being excessively picky about decor can make you even more lonely
posted by juv3nal at 1:06 PM on April 10, 2007

I like how Mr. Stuffed Seal doesn't want to "blandify" his apartment.

EVERYTHING IN THE APARTMENT IS BEIGE, BOB. Maybe you're just too blandified yourself?
posted by watsondog at 1:14 PM on April 10, 2007

Even the seal is beige!
posted by AmberV at 1:16 PM on April 10, 2007

My parents had those sheets.

Mine too. I took the top sheet and sewed it into a sleeping bag liner. Everyone I've been camping with has a great time laughing at the design or reminiscing about their childhood, so I'm not impressed by the NY Times' condescending poo-pooing of those sheets.
posted by peeedro at 1:22 PM on April 10, 2007

“I can’t sit in a room with overhead lighting,” says Michele Slung, a freelance book editor in Woodstock, N.Y..."I can’t be in their house, men or women."

Wow. The entire country of Japan is off limits to Michele Slung.
posted by Bugbread at 1:34 PM on April 10, 2007

I had those sheets too! They were, without a doubt my favorite set. My brother and I used to fight over who got them when they came out of the laundry.
posted by JBennett at 1:37 PM on April 10, 2007

That Bob is such a hot piece of dick he should demand to wear that seal around his neck in the sack like a fur covered Flavor Flav clock.
posted by The Straightener at 1:52 PM on April 10, 2007 [4 favorites]

Mr. Podell is a chump.
posted by LordSludge at 2:03 PM on April 10, 2007

These chicks clearly need somebody as shallow and successful as they are.
posted by Sukiari at 2:22 PM on April 10, 2007 [1 favorite]

Way to go! We killed the tutorial site!

"This Account Has Exceeded Its CPU Quota"
posted by oats at 3:36 PM on April 10, 2007

I found the whole tone of the article really off-putting, and it barely redeemed itself at the end. "Look at these people, with all these weird things. It screws up relationships! Let's make snide comments about it. By the way, if you love someone enough, you'll look past this".
posted by djgh at 3:37 PM on April 10, 2007

It's far too easy to throw rocks at these idiots. The article is a setup.

Also: I now feel self-conscious about the fact my dining room table is, in fact, in my living room and is covered with sketchbooks, receipts, mail, and hard drives.
posted by Kikkoman at 3:38 PM on April 10, 2007

Everyone I've been camping with has a great time laughing at the design or reminiscing about their childhood, so I'm not impressed by the NY Times' condescending poo-pooing of those sheets.

Yes, but you guys are laughing and reminiscing, and that guy is still using those sheets on his regular bed, unironically, today. The NY Times is poo-pooing them exactly the same way you and your camping buddies do.
posted by mendel at 3:48 PM on April 10, 2007

And after 30 years I'm wondering how much poo-pooing those sheets have had to take.
posted by watsondog at 3:51 PM on April 10, 2007

They call it blind drunk because she can't see the takeaway boxes, DVD cases and compact disks cluttering up the place.

Mood lighting indeed.
posted by Samuel Farrow at 3:54 PM on April 10, 2007 [1 favorite]

If I've actually gotten as far as getting the girl back to my apartment the evening's already going far better than usual.
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 4:38 PM on April 10, 2007 [2 favorites]

Word.
posted by Cyrano at 4:55 PM on April 10, 2007

OH NOES, I want teh vaginas! I better get rid of my personality and buy tons of trendy conformist bullshit I don't need!

Look, I'm a yuppie, can we bump nuggets now?
posted by dgaicun at 5:05 PM on April 10, 2007 [2 favorites]

So basically, buy more stuff?
posted by bam at 5:23 PM on April 10, 2007

Word.
posted by Cyrano at 4:55 PM on April 10 [+] [!]
posted by voltairemodern at 5:57 PM on April 10, 2007

Huh?
posted by Cyrano at 6:29 PM on April 10, 2007

Huh?
posted by Cyrano at 6:29 PM on April 10 [+] [!]
posted by dgaicun at 6:31 PM on April 10, 2007

Huh?
posted by Cyrano at 6:29 PM on April 10 [+] [!]
posted by dgaicun at 11:31 AM on April 11 [1 favorite +][!]
posted by Bugbread at 7:51 PM on April 10, 2007

i just bought a new bed after a break-up left me sleeping on my banged up pull-out couch for a few weeks. Two of my female friends informed me in no uncertain terms that i was not to buy inferior bedding or i would never get laid.

I just can't imagine a situation where I have managed to get as far as the bedroom, with all my many and various other faults, and its the sheets that kill the deal.
posted by empath at 9:23 PM on April 10, 2007

I kind of liken that sort of Strauss' and Higgins' attitude towards decor (and more widely, aesthetic issues) to a kind of Aesthetic Asperger's syndrome -- they are unable to recognize the subtle hints and nuances in contemporary design, regarding the bulk of it as "conformist". Yes, dgaicun, I'm looking at you, but in a respectful way.

Their threshold for what stands out or is unique is quite high, so they end up wearing really loud prints and colours, or owning very unusual/tacky/impractical pieces of decor that cross even the most generous guidelines of competent taste. Often this is cited as 'personality'.

I'm not yet saying they need treatment or such, but there is an annoying pretentiousness when they cross the line and declare themselves above the shallowness of people who appreciate and understand aesthetics pretty things.

Having said that, I too have an extreme distaste for the stereotypical yuppie, but it's not because they like material things, but because the stereotype is that they like material things for their dollar value and not their deeper meanings as artifacts of human creative endeavour.

I think that came out how I'm imagining it in my head -- I'm not the most articulate of the BlueBunch.

posted by Extopalopaketle at 10:01 PM on April 10, 2007 [1 favorite]

empath, I had a similar situation... longer ago than is comfortable.

Luckily I bought nice bedding because it's comfy and nice, because if I bought it for the reasons your friends espoused I'd be very disappointed.
posted by flaterik at 10:39 PM on April 10, 2007

Two of my female friends informed me in no uncertain terms that i was not to buy inferior bedding or i would never get laid.

As much as it makes me cringe to say this, when I was 19 and living with roommates (girls) they gave me similar advice -- so I had a king-size bed with (here's the cringe-worthy part) black satin sheets.

And yet, I got laid a lot more in that bed than I expected would happen, so it certainly wasn't hindering me, I guess...
posted by davejay at 11:27 PM on April 10, 2007

Two of my female friends informed me in no uncertain terms that i was not to buy inferior bedding or i would never get laid.

I've found that excellent bedding helps to ensure return visits more than enabling the inaugural voyage.


....the stereotype is that they like material things for their dollar value and not their deeper meanings as artifacts of human creative endeavour.

An excellent point, and an important distinction.
posted by LooseFilter at 12:07 AM on April 11, 2007

Mr. Podell is a chump.

From the last page of the article:

“Mr. Podell, of the cartoon animal sheets, proudly fills a page with the household complaints of his dates. They include the size of his apartment, the lack of a coffeepot, the nonexistent stove connection, the lack of closet space. His love life, however, is great. He has a 22-year-old Russian girlfriend, whom he met in Malta. They have taken vacations to Asia, Europe and India, with Mr. Podell footing the bill.

Mr. Podell’s girlfriend lives in Moscow.

She has never seen his apartment.”

Chumpy like a fox! Seriously, sounds like he’s happy, which is more than many of us.

I hate possessions—each thing I buy makes it more complicated to up sticks and go do something new and awesome—but this is overcome by my lust for books. I suspect were I to take that journalist home, she wouldn’t be back, which would probably be for the best.
posted by Aidan Kehoe at 3:52 AM on April 11, 2007

Extopalopaketle writes "people who appreciate and understand aesthetics pretty things. "

One of the apartments is described as looking just as it did in the 70's. If that reflects "not understanding aesthetics", am I to take it that aesthetics was some sort of new discovery that only occurred sometime in the last two decades?

Now, change that to "modern aesthetics", and we're in agreement.
posted by Bugbread at 5:47 AM on April 11, 2007

I tend to collect some interesting examples of folk art. That photo is the first thing you see upon entering my front door. It's great for scaring off salesmen and religious proselytizers, but I usually tell my dates to come to the back door, some things are too hard to explain the artistic merit of the image of Satan in Southeastern folk art in the spur of the moment when a person is backing away and remembering every episode of CSI where someone get dismembered and dumped in the woods.
posted by 1f2frfbf at 7:28 AM on April 11, 2007

The second link was quite informative. I'm just about to move into a new apartment for the first time and I had no idea lighting could get so complicated, or make such a huge difference. Thanks!
posted by Menomena at 7:50 AM on April 11, 2007

OK, 1f2frfbf: are those actually 8-track cassettes on your top shelf, there? Several of them? I'd think those would scare off dates more than the freaky masks.
posted by LooseFilter at 10:42 AM on April 11, 2007

Yes, but you guys are laughing and reminiscing, and that guy is still using those sheets on his regular bed, unironically, today. The NY Times is poo-pooing them exactly the same way you and your camping buddies do.

However, I have to say that these campy and colorful sheets have not stopped anyone from sharing my tent and sleeping bag with me. Maybe it's not the sheets and maybe it's Mr. Podell doing something wrong to ruin his chances at some nighttime company.
posted by peeedro at 5:16 PM on April 15, 2007