My Crazy Roommate
July 8, 2007 12:09 PM   Subscribe

My Crazy Roommate At the beginning of this year, the new guy at work needed a place to live. I ended up letting him sublet one of the rooms in my house. After only a couple of days it became obvious that he is totally insane. The crazy constantly flows from his mouth and is just way too good to not share with the world. Names have been changed to protect the innocent, but other than that - all of the conversations are damn near verbatim.

Begin reading at Month One.
posted by LinusMines (71 comments total) 19 users marked this as a favorite

 
This is quite the find. Though it can't compare to The Tale Of The Mad Feces King. Don't feel bad, though; "Feces" is truly in a class by itself.
posted by Clay201 at 12:24 PM on July 8, 2007 [4 favorites]


I guess crazy is a matter of perspective. I skimmed through the first month and the top link so maybe I'm missing something dramatic, but while the roommate sounds a bit quirky or socially inappropriate, the bigger issue is that blogger seems to have issues of his own as well as being kind of an uptight dick.
posted by psmealey at 12:27 PM on July 8, 2007 [9 favorites]


I wish the internet was around when I had roommates, I imagine it would've really been a great source of catharsis. There's a biiig reason I haven't had roommates in over a decade... I had some doozies. Yes, they were so insane, they actually inspired me to USE the word "doozies." Which is a word I don't use.
posted by miss lynnster at 12:33 PM on July 8, 2007


The problem is, it's like reading someone's quote book they kept in college, but in blog form. I have all these hilarious quotes, but I'm pretty sure they're funny to me, the others involved, and maybe a random laugh here and there.
posted by ORthey at 12:35 PM on July 8, 2007


Yaaaa... Not know the person, some of those comments just sound like deliberate funnies. Maybe even stuff I might say. Uh o.
posted by The Deej at 12:41 PM on July 8, 2007


You know what's crazy? Calling someone "dude" in every blog entry.

Oh, wait. Did I say "crazy"? I meant "fucking annoying."
posted by Astro Zombie at 12:42 PM on July 8, 2007


There used to be a web site belonging to an English guy who wrote about his crazy German girl friend (effectively his common-law wife, since they had a child together) documenting some of the strange things she said. I think it's offline now, but it was hilarious.
posted by Steven C. Den Beste at 12:43 PM on July 8, 2007


Making small clouds disappear would be a cool superpower.

It'd beat whatever the fuck Robin has, anyway.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 12:44 PM on July 8, 2007 [2 favorites]


I've always hated people who call out posts for being lame. But this post is lame.

Just because the roommate is, apparently, crazy, doesn't mean the guy writing the blog doesn't deserve a giant cock-punch.
posted by ghastlyfop at 12:46 PM on July 8, 2007


I think it's worth being shared. Thanks for the link.
posted by supercres at 12:48 PM on July 8, 2007


SCDB: you mean this? It's not as comprehensive as it used to be, probably because much of it was subsumed into a book or two, but it's by no means offline.
posted by lumensimus at 12:49 PM on July 8, 2007


I'm pretty sure the roommate works at the grocery store down the street from my house.
posted by rcavett at 12:52 PM on July 8, 2007


Worst of the web.
posted by fatllama at 12:52 PM on July 8, 2007


Crazy? If that counts for crazy, I have some stories to tell.
posted by k8t at 12:53 PM on July 8, 2007


You know what's crazy? Calling someone "dude" in every blog entry.

Brocabulary -- "Learn to talk like a man with the dude dictionary."
posted by ericb at 12:55 PM on July 8, 2007


Okay, roommate's a little quirky and perhaps in need of learning about boundaries, but I'm not finding the crazy.

I once had an otherwise normal roommate morph into a skinhead white supremacist. Now that would have been worth some blog posts, had such things existed at the time.
posted by dantsea at 12:59 PM on July 8, 2007


Clay201 writes 'This is quite the find. Though it can't compare to The Tale Of The Mad Feces King. Don't feel bad, though; "Feces" is truly in a class by itself.'

I just *knew* the Mad Faeces King was gonna be a crackhead.

The Zookeeper is very illuminating on such matters.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 1:05 PM on July 8, 2007


There used to be a web site belonging to an English guy who wrote about his crazy German girl friend (effectively his common-law wife, since they had a child together) documenting some of the strange things she said. I think it's offline now, but it was hilarious.

This?
posted by vbfg at 1:12 PM on July 8, 2007


This was the best
posted by pantsrobot at 1:13 PM on July 8, 2007


Yeah, I'm not seeing the actual crazy. Especially since he buried the lede that the guy is not a native USian.

My sense of verisimilitude was heavily undermined by his retention of a roommate who stole and crashed his bike.
posted by dhartung at 1:19 PM on July 8, 2007


I thought this was rather amusing. I would like to think that the crazy roommate is actually the dude writing the blog. I hope that "p" is just some dude screwing with him...
posted by punkrockrat at 1:20 PM on July 8, 2007 [3 favorites]


Wow, the Mad Feces King story definitely takes the cake, if one can even think about cake after reading that, for 'crazy roommate story.'

And to think that I used to believe I had a crazy roommate, once. But he was just a rank amateur by comparison. (Garden-variety drug-addled, irresponsible, hygiene-avoiding klepto.)
posted by Kadin2048 at 1:23 PM on July 8, 2007


Metafilter: When I turned 16 my mom talked to me about it and I stopped.
posted by champthom at 1:52 PM on July 8, 2007 [1 favorite]


haha, what a whacko! This blog is comedy gold btw, I'm glad other people out there have wacky flatties too.

Seriously? I feel your pain. But it is intensely amusing, isn't it? That's what I took comfort in.

I am a new fan of this blog! P sounds like one crazy mo'fo.

I just read your entire blog in one go, and haven't been able to stop laughing! Well done!
posted by The Deej at 2:31 PM on July 8, 2007


Have you stopped laughing now?
posted by Flashman at 2:35 PM on July 8, 2007


hahah, I almost don't believe this! This guy is unreal!
posted by The Deej at 2:37 PM on July 8, 2007


Especially since he buried the lede that the guy is not a native USian.
posted by dhartung at 4:19 PM on July 8


The roommate's Canadian. We're not Martians. Most Canadians don't get confused about the name of their country or insist on calling Brussel sprouts "miniature cabbage." I promise.
posted by joannemerriam at 2:42 PM on July 8, 2007 [1 favorite]


This would be a lot funnier if the homophobia wasn't laid on quite so thick. A lot of the "humor" seems to boil down to "and then he told me he loved being my roommate! How GAY!"

Gotta wonder if P's got a "My Homophobic Roommate" blog out there somewhere...
posted by jacobian at 2:43 PM on July 8, 2007 [1 favorite]


From the Mad Feces King:
I think he was taking shits in the bathtub and covering it with newspapers, like some kind of foul lasagna.
Truly, the stuff of legends.
posted by LordSludge at 2:46 PM on July 8, 2007


This is quite amusing, but now that I've gotten up to the Tron incident I think the blogger is possibly just making up a scenario of what it would be like if the normal male protagonist dude from The Office (US version) was roommates with the weird dude from The Office. (I've forgotten the names.) Because I can see that happening on that show, but not in real life if you have actual reason to question your roommate's sanity.
posted by frobozz at 2:47 PM on July 8, 2007


I very much enjoyed that.

thanks!
posted by zia at 2:51 PM on July 8, 2007


Yeah, I knew it. No way can you top the The Tale Of The Mad Feces King. Mainly, as quoted by LordSludge, because of the 'poop lasagna' mental image.
posted by slimepuppy at 2:55 PM on July 8, 2007


About two and a half months in the author decides to up the ante (because the "crazy" has been toned down and is now boring) by playing weird tricks with his roommate, which kinda sealed the deal: roommate isn't that crazy, author is kind of a dick.
posted by chrominance at 3:13 PM on July 8, 2007


I'd much rather live with the funny flatmate than the total arse of a blogger, dude.
posted by jack_mo at 3:22 PM on July 8, 2007


What's crazy is starting each month of blog posts at the bottom of the page. Only a total fruit loop would think that makes sense.
posted by oneirodynia at 3:32 PM on July 8, 2007


I'm still looking for the entry about the blogger's closed valve.
posted by fatllama at 4:18 PM on July 8, 2007 [1 favorite]


i liked it. they guy's a pretty good writer. reminded me of a scanner darkly.
posted by aquanaut at 4:20 PM on July 8, 2007


Gah, where's teh crazy? Crazy doesn't have masterful comedic timing like this roommate, crazy spouts nonsense and stares at you alot. Crazy says shit like "Are you a good Christian? You must be because you have a very round head. A very round head." Over and over again, while you try and avoid eye contact. Crazy talks in depth about people that don't exist. Crazy is pretending you're a cowboy, all the time.

This is just a guy with a very dry, dramatic sense of humor, who realizes that his new roommate can't tell when someone is joking, so he decides to be even weirder than he would normally be. The first month is all funny, and no crazy.
posted by 23skidoo at 4:28 PM on July 8, 2007 [5 favorites]


Worst of the web.

You mean "far superior to 90% of the one-link YouTube posts on the blue."
posted by oaf at 5:11 PM on July 8, 2007 [1 favorite]


This is pretty good. I've known people like this (and 23skidoo, they weren't masters of dramatic comedy).

Like:
"I can't find the green goo I bought from the vending machine. I think I might have ate it. Smell my breath? Does it smell like green goo?"

"I think I want to join the Navy...the chicks on submarines can't get away."

"If I can't pay my rent, can I just sleep in the closet in your bedroom? I'll cook the meals."

"I bet your comics are worth millions. If I give you a hundred bucks can I have them?" (the comics were crap, I took the hundred)

posted by Kickstart70 at 5:13 PM on July 8, 2007 [3 favorites]


Hm. I think I need to find myself some new, non-crazy friends, because this guy sounds quite stable & with-it to me.
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:38 PM on July 8, 2007


This is really annoying, and the guy is a dick.

I'm not really a connoisseur of the Crazy Roommate Story genre or anything, but this is my favorite.
posted by revfitz at 6:05 PM on July 8, 2007 [1 favorite]


Dislike the black background, white lettering format. Using "dude" is ridiculous. Homophobia is queer.

This seems like typical group dynamics, anyway. It's nice when groups of people are friends. However, there are other groups where the people are not friends, and are not nice to each other. They usually choose one person to be "strange" or "different." Seems like this is the case.

Note: Usually I am the 'strange' person. Damn my Fine Arts degree!
posted by KokuRyu at 6:18 PM on July 8, 2007


The blogger is an asshole, & the roommate is just a thick person. This guy doesn't know crazy.
posted by Henry C. Mabuse at 6:39 PM on July 8, 2007


Dollars to donuts that inside a decade blogger is begging crazy roomate for a place to stay.
posted by Cedric at 6:53 PM on July 8, 2007


Thanks for the good bellylaughs, LinusMines.

The Best of Craigslist has some delicious hilarity re other life challenges and modern intimacies gone sour. Not roomie stories but loved cat sitter needed for my lousy cat, Hey crackhead, you PISSED on my floor, To the guy who had sex last night in front of my house.
posted by nickyskye at 7:04 PM on July 8, 2007


Only having read the first month- I can't understand why he didn't ask the guy to move out already. Instead of blogging about it.
posted by Coaticass at 7:28 PM on July 8, 2007


Also: why is the term "crazy" bandied about as though it didn't describe a real condition? Possibly treatable; who knows.
posted by Coaticass at 7:31 PM on July 8, 2007


I've only read the first month, but the "crazy roommate" seems to act a lot like my friends and myself; he seems like a pretty amusing guy.
posted by Silly Ashles at 7:32 PM on July 8, 2007


Proof I need to step away from the Internet: All I had to read was "My Crazy Roommate" before I thought lasagna.
posted by gnomeloaf at 7:45 PM on July 8, 2007


"I think he was taking shits in the bathtub and covering it with newspapers, like some kind of foul lasagna."

I hereby and in perpetuity copyright the term lasagna-stomper. (Man, this is gonna be more lucrative than Boardwalk with three hotels.)
posted by FelliniBlank at 7:49 PM on July 8, 2007


Said psmealey: "That blogger seems to have issues of his own as well as being kind of an uptight dick."

That was my reaction too. The nerve of some people.
posted by davy at 8:06 PM on July 8, 2007 [2 favorites]


The lesson: instead of helping somebody clearly in misery (for both MCR and FK), mine the situation for self-indulgent comedy gold.

The mentally ill are inconvenient and/or amusing, but they're of course not human. I think it would be great if MeFites played crazy pranks on any and all mentally ill folks we run into and then YouTubed it!
posted by vitia at 8:31 PM on July 8, 2007


I agree that the Mad Feces King is probably the best of them all, but this descent into furry madness takes a close second.
posted by smoothvirus at 8:36 PM on July 8, 2007 [1 favorite]


Enjoyable read.

I don't understand the criticism. He may not be non-functional crazy, but clearly he's on the outer edges of normal (or maybe you guys hang out with much stranger people than I do). The blogger clearly is not just a roommate, but a friend (not an 'uptight dick'). I'm not sure I would respond as well to this guy's random strange grasp of reality.

Yeah, he has issues--everyone has issues--you have issues. Isn't that the whole point of the blog: showing someone with some rather interesting issues?
posted by eye of newt at 9:39 PM on July 8, 2007


And to add to this: there are certainly blogs from people who are much crazier, even certifiably psychotic and schizophrenic, but they are often downright painful to read.
posted by eye of newt at 9:43 PM on July 8, 2007



I've only read the first month, but the "crazy roommate" seems to act a lot like my friends and myself; he seems like a pretty amusing guy.


Well, later on you get to stuff like "If I was poisoned I could save myself through the power of my mind" and "If I fell out of a plane I could save myself through - " I forget what. Which, if the blogger roommate is a big a jerk as he seems to be, could be the other roommate deliberately messing with him. Or not. Either way, I think it's both "this is moderately funny and the guy's a good writer" as well as "the (blogger) guy's an asshole."
posted by frobozz at 9:49 PM on July 8, 2007


Holy fuck, talk about uptight dicks, some of you are all over the phrase "crazy" like a fat kid on a smartie (not to be all politically incorrect or anything). Yeah, he's not CRAZY, he's just fucking weird, and the blogger seems like a nice enough guy to let him live with him. P isn't unstable (oooh crazy person let's make fun of him), he's just quirky. So what?

As a fellow Canadian, I'm laughing my ass off that this guy's so whacked and regardless of nationality, weird roomies are fair game for mindgames. The Canadia bit killed me. And the shield in his room. C'mon! Like you all wouldn't blog about that if it happened to you!

Everybody funny. Now you funny too.
posted by sharpener at 10:55 PM on July 8, 2007


Yeah, he's not CRAZY, he's just fucking weird,

Thanks, Dr. Freud.

A few possibilities here. One, the roommate is onto him and is deliberately fucking with him and his homophobic bent. Two, it's sincere on both sides. Three, it's bullshit lonelygirl15 stuff.

In cases one and two, yep, he's kind of a dick, and yes, depsite his gregarious framing, he's pretty uptight, are generously, very naïve. In case three? Meh.
posted by psmealey at 1:29 AM on July 9, 2007


LOLMENTALILLNESS!!1!
posted by Pollomacho at 4:58 AM on July 9, 2007


I got kinda bored after the first few entries. My first instinct after that point was "It feels like he's just making shit up now", but if he was making shit up I would've thought he would work a bit harder at making his roomie more crazy.
posted by antifuse at 8:41 AM on July 9, 2007


I thought it was a pretty funny. The roommate is definitely loopy, (especially with all that conspiracy theory shit.) Why are people saying he's homophobic? Because his roommate behaves strange and awkwardly inappropriate ways?
posted by Snyder at 8:55 AM on July 9, 2007 [1 favorite]


I really wish I'd kept a log of all the weird stuff that people who I've lived near have done, since it'd be a lot of fun to read it back among friends who have shared the experience.
posted by mikeh at 9:43 AM on July 9, 2007


I guess this is crazy or funny in the same way Garfield comics are.
posted by Laotic at 10:14 AM on July 9, 2007


I guess this is crazy or funny in the same way Garfield comics are.

Or crazy in that way that Squagels are crazy.
posted by psmealey at 10:46 AM on July 9, 2007


Snyder: Why are people saying he's homophobic? Because his roommate behaves strange and awkwardly inappropriate ways?

Well, it *could* be that he's afraid his roommate is homosexually attracted to him.

But that explanation would pretty much just be the definition of "homophobic", so that can't be it...
posted by LordSludge at 3:18 PM on July 9, 2007


Or he's not afraid, of homosexual attraction, but just weirded out by wildly inappropiate behavior. Or would a male roommate doing the same thing to a female ("pretend" atempting to kiss after living with them for 3 days,) be totally appropiate?
posted by Snyder at 5:08 PM on July 9, 2007


Nah. This is alright stuff. Reminiscent of Chronicles of George - cheap, fast and chuckle-worthy. Plus, it's not another effin link to ytb. That scores some big MeFi points in my book these days.
posted by PuppyCat at 7:48 PM on July 9, 2007


I understand why responses to this article are both positive and negative. I've had some really weird roommates, and I can appreciate that you're trying to share your uncomfortable experiences with this guy. Humor can often be the only thing that makes an unpleasant roommate tolerable. Also, some of the strangest experiences with a bad roommate can be the hardest to try and explain to someone who hasn't seen your situation. I think that it's great that you just keep a blog to express your frustration, rather than blowing up at someone who seems like he won't be very responsive anyway. It's definitely way less painful to live with someone if you can just accept that you can't change them, but you can figure out a way to deal with them. Good luck, dude.
posted by its just me at 1:10 AM on July 10, 2007


Or he's not afraid, of homosexual attraction, but just weirded out by wildly inappropiate behavior.

Still, though, the dickishness comes in with regard to what he considers inappropriate. That his roommate exhibits quirky behavior, or that he's actually blogging about his roommate's private (or semi-private) behavior to anyone with a browser.
posted by psmealey at 1:58 AM on July 10, 2007


If I wasn't certain that the guy who lived in the flat above me when I was 21 is dead (October 1999--I checked), I would swear that he's the roommate. Calls at 3am to ask me how to get home from some place on the south side of Chicago.

"Where? Why? Why are you asking me?"

"Cuz when I asked you said the Orange Line went there."

"And?"

"It stops running at 2--#$*!, this is your fault"

"So how'd you get there?"

"I drove."

"Where's your car?"

"I don't know--They've got it."

"They?"

"The controllers. The plate in my head. they made me come here and they took my car."

Yeah, so, his brother told him after a dissociative episode that they put a plate in his head & could direct him anywhere.

Unlike blogger-roommate-boy, we tried to get this guy medical help, even given the limitations of the mental health care system.

Like blogger-boy, and like many here, other friends just thought he was quirky (and completely US-born).

His best pick up line "Care for a virgin jerk-off in the White Castle parking lot?" which was followed by a long letter to the girl involved indicating that while she MUST want him, she MUST forget him because they have no future. He took too many tabs of LSD and their babies would be deformed. She called us (she lived inn another city and her entire conversation with him was the pick up line & her answer: "NO") and asked if we gave him her address and to keep him the fuck away from her.

He eventually did get some professional help though he would probably side with Felix Guattari that it's the non-schizophrenics who can't see the fullness of reality. He never did think he was off-kilter, though the fare he drove from LaCrosse, WI to Rochester, MN when the guy just wanted to go from the airport to his nearby home might disagree. Seems that he saw three cars with "K" in the license plate and, well, you know what that means.

Funny, sad, unfortunate. He scared me and he was funny (in a good way too) and instead of the management drugs they wanted him to succumb to, he used unfiltered cigarettes and massive quantities of booze.

The roommate here, from my completely amateur assessment seems to have some of the bipolar attributes of every good manic depressive I've ever lived with or near (we're up to 4 so far), so I recommend tolerance and understanding, but for one's own sense of well being, perhaps suggest he find another sublet. It's rather rude to use this person, if he exists, as fodder for the amusement mill.
posted by beelzbubba at 9:59 AM on July 11, 2007


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