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The chimp sat on its haunches, making "ook-ook" noises, while Gordon circled, his gloves held high.
December 19, 2007 2:55 PM   Subscribe

Lucius Shepard has a terrible website, but he tells good stories. For example, his friend Gordon once fought with a chimpanzee. (Cecil Adams said such a fight would be unwise.)
posted by cgc373 (28 comments total) 3 users marked this as a favorite

 
That story may be untrue. I don't care.
posted by Astro Zombie at 3:10 PM on December 19, 2007


I fucking HOPE that story is untrue - sick.
posted by tristeza at 3:15 PM on December 19, 2007


That guy sounds like my mate Kev.
posted by Henry C. Mabuse at 3:16 PM on December 19, 2007


That story is crazy.
posted by absalom at 3:17 PM on December 19, 2007


Decent story I 'spose.

But I kind of miss the days when "good writer" or "good storyteller" wasn't so inevitably synonymous with a link to another long-winded sub-Palukniak maybe-shocking-to-grandmas-in-Iowa-but-just-tiresome-and-implausible-to-the-rest-of-us anecdote.
posted by drjimmy11 at 3:18 PM on December 19, 2007


There is an individual I know who runs an MMA school in Boston who has been stumping to defend, and represent in hand to hand combat, the human race against what he perceives to be an animal fighting mega threat. Wisely no one has risen to provide him with opponents.

Yes. He is mentally unwell to say the least.
posted by tkchrist at 3:19 PM on December 19, 2007


There is an individual I know who runs an MMA school in Boston who has been stumping to defend, and represent in hand to hand combat, the human race against what he perceives to be an animal fighting mega threat. Wisely no one has risen to provide him with opponents.

Michael Vick's out of work.
posted by three blind mice at 3:27 PM on December 19, 2007


St. James Davis took the brunt of the attack, the ferocity of which left paramedics stunned. ''I had no idea a chimpanzee was capable of doing that to a human," said Kern County Fire Captain Curt Merrell, who was on the scene.

Davis, who remained in critical condition Friday, was badly disfigured. According to his wife, he lost all the fingers from both hands, an eye, part of his nose, cheek and lips, and part of his buttocks [and testicles -- Ed.]. His foot was mutilated and his heel bone was cracked.

LaDonna, 61, said she was sitting at a table with her husband, getting ready to cut the chimp's birthday cake, when she saw the two other chimps out of the corner of her eye. Moe, according to other accounts, was still in his cage.

posted by panamax at 3:28 PM on December 19, 2007


What, a guy's not allowed to post an anecdote on his LiveJournal page?

I used to really love Shephard's fiction, back when I read a lot of science fiction. It sort of skirted the boundaries of sci-fi and horror writing. He has a very disturbing short story about a post-apocalyptic society plagued by superintelligent pederast apes which stuck with me for a long time after I read it. It's cool to see he's got a blog (along with Elizabeth Hand who was another of my favorite authors back then).
posted by whir at 3:37 PM on December 19, 2007


(Linked from the group blog: 8 years of aging condensed into a 3:10 video.)
posted by whir at 3:41 PM on December 19, 2007


Yeah, I'd be surprised if a human could survive very long in a real fight against a chimp, unless the chimp were specially trained not to kill people. Because obviously they're going to bite the shit out of you.
posted by delmoi at 3:48 PM on December 19, 2007


Guys touring with fighting monkeys used to be to little towns with big ass rednecks what three card monte is to New York City.
posted by Huplescat at 3:52 PM on December 19, 2007


Chimps often attack humans, but thankfully, they don't always use their full force. I saw footage recently of a rather unwise keeper who set foot on a small island in the enclosure of a bunch of rather aggressive chimps. He was attacked, but thankfully his injuries only amounted to mangled broken fingers and other rends and gouges. He didn't lose an eye like that other poor guy at the zoo or whatever. Then again, he jumped to safety into the water before the little fuckers could disembowel him.

Chimps are certainly mean motherfuckers and incredibly strong, but they don't always whip out a 100% chimprage can of whupass each and every time they take on a hume. The story in the FPP may not be true, but is not implausible.

I've no doubt chimps have killed humans under some circumstances in the past.
posted by Henry C. Mabuse at 3:57 PM on December 19, 2007


But I kind of miss the days when "good writer" or "good storyteller" wasn't so inevitably synonymous with a link to another long-winded sub-Palukniak maybe-shocking-to-grandmas-in-Iowa-but-just-tiresome-and-implausible-to-the-rest-of-us anecdote.

In fairness, Lucius Shepard was an award-winning novelist back when Chuck Palahniuk was just a wee little nihilist.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 3:58 PM on December 19, 2007


That monkey was taking it easy on the guy. As the Straight Dope is saying, they are immensely powerful, and can throw the biggest of men around like dogs fling those stuffed toys.

You remember Every Which Way But Loose, where Clint says, "Clyde, scrap the Caddy," and Clyde immediately tears a door off? That's real.
posted by Malor at 4:55 PM on December 19, 2007


Guys touring with fighting monkeys used to be to little towns with big ass rednecks what three card monte is to New York City.

Quite so Huplescat. Indeed some distant, now departed step-relatives of mine actually used to be those guys.
posted by Naberius at 4:59 PM on December 19, 2007 [1 favorite]


chimps are not monkeys.

google search result for "laredo chimp bar."


summary for those too lazy to click: either the story is false, or there's a bar in laredo with two chimps behind glass that no one but this storyteller has ever mentioned on the internets.
posted by Hat Maui at 5:58 PM on December 19, 2007


I remember reading Lucius' fiction in the 80's in IASFM and F&SF. Good to see he managed to keep doing it.
posted by localroger at 6:19 PM on December 19, 2007


Hat Maui is on to something. Someone needs to call Alex Jones so he can get involved.
posted by Huplescat at 6:57 PM on December 19, 2007


This is the Lucius Shepard of Green Eyes and Life During Wartime? Wow.
posted by atchafalaya at 7:30 PM on December 19, 2007


A certain Mr. Poe was way out in front on this question:

"Read now," replied Dupin, "this passage from Cuvier." It was a minute anatomical and generally descriptive account of the large fulvous Ourang-Outang of the East Indian Islands. The gigantic stature, the prodigious strength and activity, the wild ferocity, and the imitative propensities of these mammalia are sufficiently well known to all. I understood the full horrors of the murder at once.
posted by BT at 7:34 PM on December 19, 2007


Someone needs to call Alex Jones so he can get involved.

yeah, that, or maybe get james frey on the horn with this jaw-dropping setpiece around which he could base his next novel, this is totally true shit but my publisher won't let me call it a memoir.
posted by Hat Maui at 10:11 PM on December 19, 2007


I used to really love Shephard's fiction, back when I read a lot of science fiction. It sort of skirted the boundaries of sci-fi and horror writing.

Amen to that. When Shepard started doing SF, he showed just how bad a lot of the writing in the genre was. (I'd particularly recommend "Life During Wartime", a hallucinogenic 'Heart of Darkness' set in a US incursion into Central America, and "The Scalehunter's Beautiful Daughter", a short story collection.)

Tragically, bad writing seems to be no barrier to winning major SF book awards.
posted by outlier at 1:48 AM on December 20, 2007


More of Shepard's short fiction online: The Jaguar Hunter, The Emperor, Abimagique, Liar's House, Senor Volto, Emeral Street Expansions, and AZTECHS. I can't find one of my favourites, "Only Partly Here", online anywhere, but it's a lovely restrained post-9/11 story.
posted by penguinliz at 2:08 AM on December 20, 2007


That story nearly brought me to tears... TEARS OF LAUGHTER!

I dare anyone to stand against me and my evil army of spider monkeys!
posted by malaprohibita at 6:32 AM on December 20, 2007


Whoa, malaprohibita. What about this guy? Is he part of your strange simian army?
posted by cgc373 at 8:00 AM on December 20, 2007


True. He is The-Spider-Monkey-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.
posted by malaprohibita at 8:11 AM on December 20, 2007


BT, props for quoting the Murder in the Rue Morgue!
Great association.
posted by jouke at 1:16 AM on December 21, 2007


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