External Delivery the Future

December 28, 2007 12:34 AM

Parentists, the dogmatic believers that parents alone are the source of Christmas presents, may have new reason to believe, with the scientific approach of External Delivery. Of course, some skeptics have opined that External Delivery is just Santa Clausism with a pseudoscientific veneer. Other commentators are more forgiving, and point out the great strides that ED has made in the study of Yuleogy.
posted by CrunchyFrog (29 comments total)

That's bullshit. I've actually seen Santa, as have many other trained observers. I even have a photo.
posted by Henry C. Mabuse at 12:37 AM on December 28, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Naah. Christmas Presents come from China.
posted by Steven C. Den Beste at 12:44 AM on December 28, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

Fucking Santa Clausists with their visible sky man.
posted by shakespeherian at 12:48 AM on December 28, 2007

ED has ruined Christmas for many couples.
posted by LordSludge at 1:06 AM on December 28, 2007 [3 favorites has favorites]

In the meantime, Russia shows the way by stemming the pernicious influence of Parentism in the youth.

Unfortunately, it does so in defence of that completely ridiculous perversion of Santa Clausism called Father Frostism. Damn Commies.
posted by Skeptic at 1:25 AM on December 28, 2007

Parentists and parents alike are just big old meanies. External Delivery is science!!! It just is okay? Parentism is just a theory!!! You need to consider other possibilities, too. Big poopie-head meanies.

I'm telling mommy.
posted by three blind mice at 1:42 AM on December 28, 2007

Where's the freaking spoiler warning. Jeez.
posted by juv3nal at 1:50 AM on December 28, 2007 [2 favorites has favorites]

As a child, every Christmas Eve, we left out a mince pie and a glass of sherry for Father Christmas (and a carrot for Rudolf)... in the morning there was an empty glass and only a few crumbs (and a bit of carrot) left. I need no further proof.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 2:55 AM on December 28, 2007

In our land, it's a representative of the government who drops by to see if any of the children have developed psychic powers. If they have, they have to go with him--it's the law. The Sanity Clause, as I recall.*

* This of course is a sci-fi short story I cannot for the life of me remember the author of. I think I read it in "101 Science Fiction Short Short Stories With Really Bad Puns and 'What a Twist!' Endings Edited by Isaac Asimov." Or some similar anthology.
posted by maxwelton at 3:36 AM on December 28, 2007

Well, that narrows it down, maxwelton, since Asimov only edited, oooh, about 200 books of that nature ;)
posted by Henry C. Mabuse at 4:15 AM on December 28, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Occam's razor: just because one present has weird wrapping paper and no tag doesn't mean it's from little green space aliens. A simpler explanation, such as the parents having had it wrapped in a department store and forgetting or misplacing the tag is far more likely. Haven't we been over this before?
posted by AppleSeed at 4:20 AM on December 28, 2007

I've been liking this and Cectic.
posted by cashman at 5:02 AM on December 28, 2007

"Sanity Clause," by Edward Wellen. In F&SF in 1975; you saw it in 100 Great Science Fiction Short Short Stories (1978), edited by Isaac Asimov, Martin H. Greenberg, and Joseph D. Olander.
posted by languagehat at 5:33 AM on December 28, 2007

Sorry to break this to any of you Santa Clausists, but ...
posted by madamjujujive at 5:36 AM on December 28, 2007

"This post contains material on parentism. Parentism is a theory, not a fact, regarding the origin of Christmas presents. This material should be approached with an open mind, studied carefully, and critically considered."

TEACH THE CONTROVERSY!
posted by PlusDistance at 6:18 AM on December 28, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

In my home it was cookies and milk until I was around five. That Christmas eve day, Mom and Dad went to the local fast food restaurant and brought home a dozen or so fries and burgers for supper, and they insisted on setting a couple aside for Santa.

Christmas morning, Dad's big red toolbox (which he usually left in the garage) was curiously discovered by my younger sister under a chair in the den. My older sister looked at us and frowned. I just blinked back at her stupidly. She turned away.

That was the year Santa brought me and my sisters bicycles. Mine had training wheels and a 'sissy' bar on the back. Looked like it musta been really complicated to put together...
posted by ZachsMind at 7:04 AM on December 28, 2007

Here's the Occam's Razor test: In order to believe that there is no Santa Claus, we have to believe that a significant -- almost overwhelming -- portion of the adults in the western world have engaged in a relentless and systematic program of lying to their children, complete with such extraordinary acts of subterfuge as hiring people dressed in costume, hiding evidence, and even convincing government organizations such as the post office and NORAD to play along in the scheme. And to what end? To give them presents and not take credit for it?

C'mon. Seriously. That's not even credible. To believe such a thing, you would have to be a conspiracy theorist of such denseness and ill-formed conviction that you put flat-earthers to shame.
posted by Astro Zombie at 7:08 AM on December 28, 2007 [15 favorites has favorites]

If Those Who Believe in ED would just step forward and produce their Claus then perhaps the rest of us could believe as well.



No?


you're SOL then. Those who cannot stand up to public scrutiny should not put forward their theories.
posted by Sam.Burdick at 7:09 AM on December 28, 2007

Oh I see what they've done there. Very droll.
posted by monkeyx-uk at 7:31 AM on December 28, 2007

Oh I see what they've done there. Very droll.
posted by monkeyx-uk at 10:31 AM on December 28

Yeah, right? We get it, Santa Claus isn't real. Neither is Superman or Jesus or Davy Crockett or Jefferson. Yeah, right, one guy wrote the Declaration of Independence and was an inventor and an ambassador and was President. Whatever. It's would take like six guys to do all that, at least.

But some of us need our myths, okay?
posted by Pastabagel at 7:58 AM on December 28, 2007

I remember the day Santa died for me. I was home alone, maybe age 6 or 7, and we had a sofa-bed. Well, I started playing with it, and made it open up, and lo and behold, presents hidden within, all nicely wrapped for Christmas Day a week away. I was flabbergasted. Santa came early *and* he didn't screw around with any chimney or stockings or trees. I figured he must have been in a real hurry so he just shoved everything into the sofa bed and booked. I had to admire him for not waiting until the last minute to get all the work done, however untraditional a sofa-bed might be.

In any case, I tore into those packages like a demon possessed. My mom returned home to find me laying in a gigantic pile of wrapping paper and toys and such. I told her happily, 'Look, Mom! Santa came early!' She got pissed! She explained to me that there was no Santa, and never had been. I was hit with a great wave of sadness, which quickly evaporated when she said I could just keep the presents for an early Christmas.
posted by jamstigator at 8:43 AM on December 28, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Wait....they left you alone in the house at age 6 or 7? Isn't that illegal or something?
posted by Hildegarde at 10:07 AM on December 28, 2007

Illegal? Probably. What can I say, it was a life of abject poverty for the first 17 years of my existence, and paying someone to watch over me had to take a back seat to more important things...like food. And to be fair, I was a pretty smart 6- or 7-year-old; I knew what stuff not to mess with.
posted by jamstigator at 10:57 AM on December 28, 2007

And to be fair, I was a pretty smart 6- or 7-year-old; I knew what stuff not to mess with.

Didn't keep you from playing with the sofa-bed.
posted by shakespeherian at 11:47 AM on December 28, 2007

Didn't keep you from playing with the sofa-bed.

I knew this conversation was going to get back to evolution somehow.
posted by Kadin2048 at 3:05 PM on December 28, 2007

My bed didn't evolve from no sofa!
posted by shakespeherian at 3:06 PM on December 28, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Thank you, languagehat. As I recall, there were perhaps half a dozen gems in that collection, not convinced "Sanity Clause" was one, though obviously I remembered it.
posted by maxwelton at 3:17 PM on December 28, 2007

I love Cetic.
posted by Pope Guilty at 4:44 PM on December 28, 2007

Hildegarde: "Wait....they left you alone in the house at age 6 or 7? Isn't that illegal or something?"

I don't think there are any hard and fast guidelines concerning that. Imagine, for example, a parent leaving a 17 year old at home alone. Illegal? Certainly not, even though the kid is a minor. Leaving your 1 month old infant asleep in his crib while you take the garbage out to the curb? Again, almost certainly not illegal, despite the baby being incredibly young. On the other hand, going on a one-month trip while leaving your baby at home? Certainly illegal. It just comes down to whether the action is neglect or not. I don't think that leaving a 6 or 7 year old kid at home is in itself illegal. Probably depends on the maturity of the kid, the length of time left alone, how much preparation was done, etc.
posted by Bugbread at 4:58 AM on December 31, 2007