The "Sex-Box" Race for President

January 15, 2008 1:34 PM

"Because of the digital chip age in which we live - "Mass Effect" can be customized to sodomize whatever, whoever, however, the game player wishes. With it's "over the net" capabilities virtual orgasmic rape is just the push of a button away."

It's called "Mass Effect" and it allows its players - universally male no doubt - to engage in the most realistic sex acts ever conceived. One can custom design the shape, form, bodies, race, hair style, breast size of the images they wish to "engage" and then watch in crystal clear, LCD, 54 inch screen, HD clarity as the video game "persons" hump in every form, format, multiple, gender-oriented possibility they can think of.

...it IS marketed for the X-Box 360, perhaps the most visually stimulating gaming system ever made. The software for such allows the blending of DVD video, component graphics, and the manipulation of actual pictures so that an alternate reality engulfs the fifteen year old boy playing it without much objection.

posted by prostyle (82 comments total)

FINALLY.
posted by PostIronyIsNotaMyth at 1:36 PM on January 15 [3 favorites]

"I don't like to advocate violence, because it argues against the thesis of the site, but Jesus Christ. This man should be loosed naked into the savannah, where wild animals - drunk on his heady bouquet - will attempt to drag him in different directions simultaneously. I'm clearly in the wrong line of fucking work." --Tycho, Penny Arcade.
posted by CitrusFreak12 at 1:37 PM on January 15 [6 favorites]

If only it were that good of a game.
posted by NationalKato at 1:39 PM on January 15

Jesus. I want to follow these people around with a video camera just so I can capture that special moment when their heads spontaneously and brisantly explode when they discover Second Life.
posted by loquacious at 1:39 PM on January 15 [2 favorites]

are you agreeing with McCullough's view of the game, or putting this out here for us to laugh at?
posted by russm at 1:40 PM on January 15

That writer is just all kinds of dumb. I can't help but think his ignorance is intentional and he just wanted to do some muckracking, considering how ridiculous his claims are and his obvious unfamiliarity with the subject.

I wish a real reporter would get him to sit down and watch the "sex scene" in its entirety, and then grill him hard on reporting standards.
posted by splice at 1:41 PM on January 15

From the same guy: "Why Liberals Make Atrocious Parents."

What a troll.
posted by CitrusFreak12 at 1:41 PM on January 15 [1 favorite]

Review?
posted by ZaneJ. at 1:43 PM on January 15

Yeah, actually you can play as a female. And I'm pretty sure you can be gay (as male or female). Does that make it even worse?!?!?
posted by papakwanz at 1:44 PM on January 15

Wait... The article isn't a parody? He's *serious*?!?

I think BioWare should sue him for slander.
posted by sotonohito at 1:44 PM on January 15 [3 favorites]

Woops, misunderstood "it allows its players - universally male no doubt" ... I thought it was saying that the characters in the game were universally male. Still, a dumbass statement to make, there are definitely women who play, and love, this game.
posted by papakwanz at 1:46 PM on January 15

I haven't played the game myself, but the forumgoers over at Gamers With Jobs are calling this absolute bullshit.
posted by Malor at 1:48 PM on January 15

Kevin McCullough responds.

Short version : I'm in a hole. I think I'll keep digging!
posted by suckerpunch at 1:48 PM on January 15

From the comments (unedited):

"I understand that most readers will not be familier with the game in question. It should be noted this artical, at the time of this writing, is full of gross errors and misrepresentations about a game rated M, the ESRB eqivelent to R. The game includes no full frontal, and no depicitions of the actual sex, unlike such titles as God of War. But instead presents a tasteful, if erotic, love scene. Sex is in the game because sex appears in adult relationships and Mass Effect is setting a new bar in electronic story telling. To ignore sex in a romantic relationship between adults in a story aimed for adults seems quite bizzar to me. However I can understand people still being critical of it in a medium that has until recently been aimed at children (all the top three games, Mass Effect, Bioshock and Assassins Creed for '07 were rated M however showing adults now dominate the medium). This artical however does everything it can to focus on the fact that the game contains sex, and lie about it. No rape is possible. No sex with other players is possible. This artical is blatent slander of a peice of modern literature."

A few other people have said similar things. It's not just that the author of the article is over-the-top, but he's completely misinformed about the game itself. As Emily Litella was known to say when shown that the subject of her rant is due to her own misunderstanding, "Nevermind."
posted by krinklyfig at 1:51 PM on January 15 [2 favorites]

*facepalm*

Also by the same author:
Ann Coulter's Theology: Offensively Accurate
Liberals Lie, Children Die
Why Liberals Lie About Sex
When Liberals, Nutroots, and Terrorists Conspire
Why Feminist Mommies are like Pimps
Why real men confuse and anger Liberals
When Liberals Shoot Children
and, of course, Why Iraq is a Success.

With a track record like this, how can we afford not to listen to this man?
posted by Kadin2048 at 1:53 PM on January 15 [16 favorites]

I'm not sure who's worse, JT or this guy.
posted by juv3nal at 1:54 PM on January 15

What a jerk. At least Tom Cruise is fun-crazy.
posted by ninjew at 1:57 PM on January 15 [9 favorites]

I didn't get to sodomize anyone in Mass Effect.

I think it's because I played a Vanguard.

I guess I'll have to replay it now.
posted by Lord_Pall at 1:58 PM on January 15 [8 favorites]

oh god please forgive me for this, but do you think there's a cum dodging mini-game?
posted by PostIronyIsNotaMyth at 2:00 PM on January 15 [1 favorite]

I used a pencil recently to draw a picture of this guy sodomizing himself. Obviously pencils are terrible things.
posted by davejay at 2:00 PM on January 15 [1 favorite]

Geez, this guy sounds pig-biting mad.
posted by designbot at 2:05 PM on January 15 [2 favorites]

Wow, wait til somebody hips this guy to teabagging.
posted by First Post at 2:06 PM on January 15 [1 favorite]

I'm so glad we're giving this even more attention than it's already getting. Lord knows, townhall.com is a respected source of journalism that would clearly have gotten this message into every home in america. I'm glad we're fighting back.
posted by shmegegge at 2:09 PM on January 15 [1 favorite]

What is "orgasmic rape"?
posted by Mister_A at 2:10 PM on January 15 [1 favorite]

virtual orgasmic rape is just the push of a button away.

well, i've never had a digital orgasm. can any of you obviously technologically hipper folks tell me if a digital orgasm is better than a conventional analog orgasm?
posted by bruce at 2:13 PM on January 15

While the SodomSpectacular! achievement (10G) is well known, and awarded when you sodomize every player class, less known is that you can unlock the Gimp armor permutation (complete with ball gag) if you complete the game with more than 50 'orgasmic rapes.'
posted by uaudio at 2:14 PM on January 15 [2 favorites]

Jeez the whole reason I quit playing RPGs is I didn't like all the grinding.



Thanks, I'll be here all week, dickbags!
posted by Mister_A at 2:17 PM on January 15 [9 favorites]

It's called "Mass Effect" and it allows its players - universally male no doubt - to engage in the most realistic sex acts ever conceived.

Um, I think the "most realistic sex acts ever conceived" don't involve a game console.
posted by donovan at 2:17 PM on January 15

I saw 'sodomy', but, sadly, the YouTube clip failed to deliver. I think I'll stick with YouPorn.
posted by KokuRyu at 2:18 PM on January 15

well, i've never had a digital orgasm. can any of you obviously technologically hipper folks tell me if a digital orgasm is better than a conventional analog orgasm?

A digital orgasm has more 0s than 1s.
posted by randomination at 2:19 PM on January 15 [4 favorites]

That's it. I'm going to burn down the entire Internet. It's clearly beyond saving.
posted by Rangeboy at 2:21 PM on January 15

I don't get it...

Why are we giving this troll traffic?
posted by batmonkey at 2:22 PM on January 15

I still masturbate manually.
posted by Astro Zombie at 2:24 PM on January 15

I still masturbate manually.
If you use just your fingers instead of your whole hand, that'd be digital.
posted by juv3nal at 2:32 PM on January 15 [4 favorites]

I still masturbate manually.

Yes, but likely you do so with your digits. Thus it's digital.
posted by Kraftmatic Adjustable Cheese at 2:32 PM on January 15

jinx, kraftmatic adjustable cheese.
posted by juv3nal at 2:33 PM on January 15

batmonkey writes "Why are we giving this troll traffic?"

It's important to correct the obvious errors the author has made in order that these sorts of rants don't get taken at face value. If nobody said anything to rebut this person, it could contribute to the current atmosphere where people feel they should go to any lengths to protect the imaginary, innocent children in their head by infringing on the rights of adults. Townhall.com is about the same level of journalism as WorldNet Daily, which is to say they are both pretty much tabloid conservative rags, but they are both read by politicians. There's really no need to answer all their anti-liberal rants, because that's their MO. This is a bit different and could potentially have influence, sad as that is to consider.
posted by krinklyfig at 2:36 PM on January 15 [2 favorites]

It's called "Mass Effect" and it allows its players - universally male no doubt - to engage in the most realistic sex acts ever conceived.

There's something really hilarious/sad/baffling/hilarious about calling a soft-focused 4-second profile shot of someone's butt "the most realistic sex act ever conceived." I wonder... does the writer have children? If so, how?
posted by verb at 2:36 PM on January 15 [3 favorites]

I still masturbate jerk off manually.

Dude fixed that for you.
posted by WolfDaddy at 2:37 PM on January 15 [1 favorite]

I couldn't figure out how to bang the Asari Consort, unfortunately proving that I am inept at romancing women in both my first and second lives.
posted by Justinian at 2:39 PM on January 15

Digital Orgasm.
posted by beaucoupkevin at 2:39 PM on January 15

>LOOK WEST
THERE IS A CHILD
>BUGGER THAT CHILD

and speaking of Mass Effect, I was really disappointed when I couldn't even approach things like this in their conversation system. Not even a little bit! groundbreaking, hmmph.
posted by The Bridge on the River Kai Ryssdal at 2:39 PM on January 15

You just didn't fully explore the system, Bridge.
posted by The Bellman at 2:43 PM on January 15

I'm surprised this guy isn't getting legally sodomized for spreading inaccurate information and hurting the game's sales.
posted by mullingitover at 2:46 PM on January 15 [1 favorite]

it allows its players - universally male no doubt - to engage in the most realistic sex acts ever conceived

Um... hurting the game's sales?
posted by The Bellman at 2:51 PM on January 15

Yeah, actually you can play as a female. And I'm pretty sure you can be gay (as male or female). Does that make it even worse?!?!?

I'm pretty sure that you can only "complete a romance subplot" (how's that for a euphemism) with either a human of the opposite sex, or an asari. The asari only have one gender but it's pseudo-female (they have boobs and look feminine). So I guess there's a same sex relationship in there if you play as a woman, but really it's the disgusting xenophilia that people should be outraged at.

I couldn't figure out how to bang the Asari Consort, unfortunately proving that I am inept at romancing women in both my first and second lives.

I think you have to be a Renegade (I played as a female Paragon first time, didn't bang her; played as a male Renegade second time and did).
posted by EndsOfInvention at 2:58 PM on January 15

I think you have to be a Renegade (I played as a female Paragon first time, didn't bang her; played as a male Renegade second time and did).

Ah, apparently you just have to "express dissatisfaction with the offered reward". Which I guess is the Renegade route anyway.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 3:00 PM on January 15

If nobody said anything to rebut this person, it could contribute to the current atmosphere where people feel they should go to any lengths to protect the imaginary, innocent children in their head by infringing on the rights of adults. Townhall.com is about the same level of journalism as WorldNet Daily, which is to say they are both pretty much tabloid conservative rags, but they are both read by politicians. There's really no need to answer all their anti-liberal rants, because that's their MO. This is a bit different and could potentially have influence, sad as that is to consider.

If nobody said anything to rebut this person - in this particular instance only - then nobody would have paid any attention to him. Townhall.com is not important enough to bother with, and no matter how many politicians read it this article would not have had any influence if it weren't for blogs right now. This one is no different than any other anti-liberal rant they've published and it would not potentially have had any influence, again, if it weren't for all this attention.

Right now what is happening is that blogs are putting it EVERYWHERE, and it doesn't matter what their rebuttals are because no one listens to people on the internet rebutting "journalists" unless that rebuttal fits a conservative agenda well enough to get on Rush Limbaugh or O'Reilly. Stop playing their god damn game. If you want to rebut this person, write a fucking letter to the editor.
posted by shmegegge at 3:03 PM on January 15 [2 favorites]

I think you have to be a Renegade (I played as a female Paragon first time, didn't bang her; played as a male Renegade second time and did).


I play pretty high on the Paragon path, and I got the Happy Ending to that quest.
posted by mkultra at 3:06 PM on January 15

Mr. McCullough, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
posted by gd779 at 3:10 PM on January 15 [1 favorite]

buh.
posted by billypilgrim at 3:11 PM on January 15

I can't wait for it to be available on the Wii.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 3:42 PM on January 15

ATTENTION AMERICA: YOUR CHILDREN MAY SEE A DIGITALLY-RENDERED ASS IN THIS GAME. VOTE FOR US SO WE CAN TAKE AWAY YOUR FREEDOMS TO SEE THESE EVIL THINGS. WE MUST PROTECT YOU FROM THE TERRIBLE, BLURRY FAUX-SEX SCENES.

Christ, its like we live in Iran or something.
posted by Avenger at 3:52 PM on January 15

can any of you obviously technologically hipper folks tell me if a digital orgasm is better than a conventional analog orgasm?

Well, the kids today like the digital orgasms because they're convenient and available on the Internet. But if you've got the right equipment, you just can't beat the warmth and richness of an analog orgasm. Of course, you've got to have the right cables.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 4:14 PM on January 15 [1 favorite]

Oh, it's a link to Townhall. That's all I needed to know.
posted by Weebot at 4:35 PM on January 15

Damn, when I first read that, I thought I had the perfect birthday gift for my husband lined up!
posted by misha at 4:40 PM on January 15 [1 favorite]

I know that the quickest way to fame in America is to write things that are unbelievably fucking retarded so that the unbelievably fucking retarded right-wing trailer park Morlock demographic will buy your unbelievably fucking retarded books, but don't people like Kevin McCullough ever have a quiet moment of introspection in which they think:

"I am pretending to be unbelievably fucking retarded so I can make a few bucks from ignorant racist drop-outs. I've sold my soul so I can get an eighty dollar royalty check this week. That's unbelievably fucking retarded."
posted by Optimus Chyme at 4:55 PM on January 15 [1 favorite]

This guy should hang out with the British movie reviewer who acted like Pirates of the Caribbean was worse than Hitler. They could have a rant off. And we could harvest all the wasted thermal energy to power our porn machines.
posted by tkchrist at 5:09 PM on January 15 [2 favorites]

You know, even if the game did involve sex, how does this compare to other adult concepts in games? I mean, hell, I can think of at least one mainstream game that will allow you to feed a disabled child to man-eating monsters in order to advance the plot.
posted by Mitrovarr at 5:09 PM on January 15

The only part of that ill-informed rant that was remotely accurate was "It's called "Mass Effect""
posted by Durhey at 5:29 PM on January 15

shmegegge writes "Right now what is happening is that blogs are putting it EVERYWHERE, and it doesn't matter what their rebuttals are because no one listens to people on the internet rebutting 'journalists' unless that rebuttal fits a conservative agenda well enough to get on Rush Limbaugh or O'Reilly."

Funny how we're discussing that rebuttal, since nobody is reading it, even though it's "EVERYWHERE."

"Stop playing their god damn game. If you want to rebut this person, write a fucking letter to the editor."

Yeah, that works.

Anyway, it's not really going to work convincing all these disparate people discussing it that they shouldn't be doing that. I think scolding people for discussing this does even less good than arguing against it, since nobody is really going to follow your advice.
posted by krinklyfig at 5:29 PM on January 15

I noticed the link is to townhall.com. What were Mefites expecting?..
posted by clevershark at 5:39 PM on January 15

> but really it's the disgusting xenophilia that people should be outraged at.

Xenophilia? Where? I've got some outraged disgust here just lying around with nothing to do.
posted by jfuller at 5:41 PM on January 15

Mitrovarr writes "You know, even if the game did involve sex, how does this compare to other adult concepts in games? I mean, hell, I can think of at least one mainstream game that will allow you to feed a disabled child to man-eating monsters in order to advance the plot."

Something else that has been mentioned in these discussions is that it's quite easy to get very explicitly sexual video games, but they aren't typically sold at the Wal-Mart. They do carry R-rated movies, however, which so far have been more sexually explicit than M-rated games, content-wise.

This guy is guilty of promoting the same fallacy that underlies 90% of these anti-video game rants, that kids will be exposed to it, because video games=kids entertainment. He's about 20 years too late with that argument, however (and it wasn't entirely true then, either). The kids of the '70s and '80s, me included, have grown up and have jobs now. They are the prime audience, hence Bioshock and the proliferation of M-rated titles lately, not to mention the marketing of the Wii to families and the parents of my generation. Those boomers need something to do ... But it's too late to ever make the argument again, because clearly gaming isn't restricted to children, no more than any other medium. That's really not where the money is anymore.
posted by krinklyfig at 5:42 PM on January 15

clevershark writes "I noticed the link is to townhall.com. What were Mefites expecting?.."

I do think it's important to answer these ignorant screeds, but at the same time, Kevin McCullough's response was more of a tweak-your-nose than anything. He's admittedly doing the same thing Ann Coulter does, which is to try and say the most provocative things possible to enrage his detractors and make them look foolish for losing their composure. But it's worth noting that, at least so far, most of the commenters seem pretty rational. Almost none I've read agree with him, and many are from fellow conservatives. He can't find a friend, but now he's just trying to get people worked up.
posted by krinklyfig at 5:46 PM on January 15

Xenophilia? Where? I've got some outraged disgust here just lying around with nothing to do.

You get to have sex with Asari in Mass Effect. They look pretty much like that blue chick in Farscape.
posted by Justinian at 5:51 PM on January 15

Penny Arcade Nails It
Shit on a Biscuit.
posted by sourbrew at 6:09 PM on January 15

I just had a look at it... it seems almost as much of a joke as the famous Brass Eye Paedogeddon special.
posted by clevershark at 6:10 PM on January 15 [1 favorite]

I liked Mass Effect, but it wasn't as good as Kevin's review makes it out to be.
posted by "Tex" Connor and the Wily Roundup Boys at 6:11 PM on January 15

I promise a shiny nickel to the first person to record this rant as a Zero Punctuation-style review. The lulz shall be epical.
posted by arto at 6:48 PM on January 15

from the comments: Sex has become as common place as a handshake

i need to find some conservative friends
posted by Optimus Chyme at 6:54 PM on January 15

As common as a handshake you say? Don't we all wish! unless the comment's author meant a wholly different kind of handshake...
posted by clevershark at 7:15 PM on January 15

Alright, it may be because I'm not into politics, but this is one of the most ill-informed and blatantly wrong things that I've ever read. Seriously, what the hell? The writer's acting on people's worries about what their kids are doing (Myspace pedos and all that) to get his own (for lack of a better word) propaganda about videogames into their minds! I'm at a loss for words.
posted by flatluigi at 7:48 PM on January 15

It's important to correct the obvious errors the author has made in order that these sorts of rants don't get taken at face value.

Fortunately, that's not our job. Our job is linking to the best of the web.
posted by moss at 9:19 PM on January 15

moss writes "Fortunately, that's not our job. Our job is linking to the best of the web."

Purportedly. But, since a lot of geeky types live here, the culture that surrounds it (IT, graphic design, coding, Macs, video games, arts and lit) usually gets some notice.
posted by krinklyfig at 9:28 PM on January 15

Mitrovarr writes "You know, even if the game did involve sex, how does this compare to other adult concepts in games? I mean, hell, I can think of at least one mainstream game that will allow you to feed a disabled child to man-eating monsters in order to advance the plot."

So, ummm... which game is that? Not that I'd play it or anything... 'Cause I wouldn't! I just want to know.
posted by KingoftheWhales at 9:45 PM on January 15

I imagine that somewhere, sometime this week, a first or second year law firm associate who represents BioWare will write a demand letter to Mr. McCullough to inform him of the existence of trade libel law and sternly request a public apology and correction. If Mr. McCullough is smart, he'll take that letter's advice.
posted by saslett at 10:42 PM on January 15

Come on now, Pirates of the Caribbean WAS worse than Hitler.
posted by Artw at 11:55 PM on January 15 [1 favorite]

KingoftheWhales: So, ummm... which game is that? Not that I'd play it or anything... 'Cause I wouldn't! I just want to know.

I'm under the impression you can do that in Neverwinter Nights 2: Mask of the Betrayer. Haven't actually tried it, but people on the forums say it can be done. Basically, you buy the little mute boy from the Ogre in the Slumbering Cover's waiting room and then trade them to the shapeshifting ape-monsters in the next room for their place in line. It makes a lot of sense given the plot (the little kid doesn't seem to do anything else and can't really be rescued, you have to get to the front of the line, and the man-eating of the ape-monsters is a big plot point in other areas.)

You can also send some little berserker trainees to go train in the big ape-monster area as a way of gaining the ape-monster's trust.
posted by Mitrovarr at 12:28 AM on January 16

Thread's dead. Someone had to go and mention Hitler.

Guess I'll go play Second Life some more.
posted by keptwench at 7:09 PM on January 16

on fox news.
posted by juv3nal at 6:34 PM on January 21 [1 favorite]

Hilarious... the original review has now completely disappeared from townhall.com.
posted by clevershark at 4:15 PM on January 26