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Your obligatory drunken-them St. Paddy's day post
March 17, 2008 1:38 PM   Subscribe


 
50 Animals with Day Jobs

Link corrected.
posted by infinitefloatingbrains at 1:49 PM on March 17, 2008


The internet has been taken over by obsessive compulsives who are incapable of finishing their day without constructing illusions of order through grouping similar things into sets of arbitrary sizes. And vast populations are held in their thrall, gripped by fascination with ever more trivia sequencings.

You can read all about this in my new blog, "Eighty Eight Annoying People I Found On the Internet, Plus Cat Pictures".
posted by ardgedee at 2:20 PM on March 17, 2008 [2 favorites]


More like "20 idiots who think its funny to pose animals with beer cans/bottles, 5 assholes who think its funny to feed alcohol to their pets, and a few folks dicking around on photoshop."
posted by googly at 2:27 PM on March 17, 2008 [5 favorites]


At first I was going to complain that the 50 animals with drinking problems was just people sticking an empty bottle next to a sleeping pet, but then I saw the ferret and I smiled. Because the idea of a drunken ferret is amusing to me.

Being that they run sideways when sober, I have to wonder if they move perfectly straight when drunk or if it's just a pandemonium of crazy rolling around.

If they are anything like me, it's the latter.

And looking at all these animals with substance abuse problems does remind me that I predicted this nearly a year ago.
posted by quin at 2:30 PM on March 17, 2008


True story: When my brother was living in Gambia, he hung out mainly with Dutch ex-pats, as they knew English the best. One day, one of them showed up at the local bar they always drank at with a pygmymarmoset he had just been sold on the street (or some type of small monkey). The new owner set it on the table with all of them and proceeded to feed it some beer. About two or three minutes into this, the drunken monkey grabbed hold of the small tree-trunk in the center of the table, swaying back and forth like a twelfth-round pugilist, and then bared his teeth suddenly, charging at his owner and chomping down on the owner's nipple with everything he could muster.

Apparently it took some time for the rest of them to calm down enough to get any medical assistance.
posted by Navelgazer at 2:33 PM on March 17, 2008


Beer Drinking pigs in St. Croix.
posted by blaneyphoto at 2:54 PM on March 17, 2008


The internet has been taken over by obsessive compulsives who are incapable of finishing their day without constructing illusions of order through grouping similar things into sets of arbitrary sizes. And vast populations are held in their thrall, gripped by fascination with ever more trivia sequencings. [...]

My congrats and respects to ardgedee! You nailed it. I don't believe I have ever seen a more clever response to a really lousy MeFi post in seven years. Your logic is impeccable, and the "false" link title too was hilarious! Thanks and kudos to you, sir. (and no, I'm not being satirical).
posted by Seekerofsplendor at 2:59 PM on March 17, 2008


This will not Wegman.
posted by ook at 3:05 PM on March 17, 2008 [1 favorite]


I know a beagle--who is an incorrigible drunk, the kind who'll steal your beer out from under you--who looks an awful lot like the dog in shot #34. That dog is a menace at parties.
posted by uncleozzy at 3:40 PM on March 17, 2008


I don't approve of people giving their pets alcohol, but I think most of the pictures were posed in jest. I enjoyed the "day jobs" and "driving" links (they even included Toonces!).
posted by amyms at 3:48 PM on March 17, 2008


Splendor sought, splendor found.
posted by kuujjuarapik at 4:34 PM on March 17, 2008


..constructing illusions of order through grouping similar things into sets of arbitrary sizes.

Hey, don't knock it - it's cheaper than therapy.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 4:40 PM on March 17, 2008


I was hoping I would see these actual drunk animals, from a Disney documentary made in the 70s. Even after 30 years, I still remember those drunken elephants.
posted by stefanie at 6:51 PM on March 17, 2008 [1 favorite]


True story: many years ago I travelled half-way down the coast to an Easter camp on a farm with a church-run young workers group. Being a Catholic group, this was more a "get drunk and fool around with girls" camp than anything religious. So, after a good 7 hours driving we got there, set up our tents, and wandered up to the house for a few "get together" drinks.

Everybody had brought vodka. Nobody had brought orange juice.

Undeterred, someone rustled up some multi-year-old cordial out of the farmhouse cupboard. So we stood around, congregating on the low verandah, drinking the ultimate screwdrivers - one part cordial mix to 5 parts vodka. By the end of the first drink we were legless; by the end of the second we'd given up even attempting to stand and just sat there surrounded by bottles of the cheapest nastiest vodka known to teenagekind, and a lone, single, rapidly-dwindling 2L bottle of Cottee's Fruit Cup.

At some point I noticed though the alcoholic haze that, rather than mysteriously being topped up as is the usual case, my drink seemed to be disappearing faster than I was actually drinking it. A short lie back watching the ceiling spin eventually provided an answer - someone had brought their dog, a small terrier cross of vague description, who had taken a definite liking to what by that time was tasting like the finest cocktail of battery acid, wee, and chemical fruit flavours textured with pineapple pulp.

Have you ever sat and looked at a terrier - I mean, really looked - and thought "I wonder what he'd look like dressed up in a little Superman cape?".

I have.

So there we were, sitting with our legs dangling over a 4' high verandah, egging on a drunken terrier dressed up like Superman into jumping over the edge.

Now, terriers are nervous, indecisive creatures at the best of times - always champing at the bit to take off and have a go, but restrained by their innate desire to obey their masters. They dart a half-step forwards, hesitate, look up to see if you want them to run off, then repeat the whole jerky scene until you either give them permission to chase or their enthusiasm gets the better of them. And our little fella, wasted on vodka and fruit cordial, wanted to jump and persue some imagined quarry through the long grass. Every fibre of his being was strained, twitching and fighting against that inherent restraint, ready to take off like a little 4-leg-powered rocket on the bestest, most fun chase of his life.

Unfortunately, due to the influence of what I can only assume to be the rather elderly cordial in the drink, he forgot to jump. He just sort of twitched and toppled, arse over tit, into the grass below - and proceeded to run in circles whilst lying on his side, totally oblivious to the fact he was going nowhere and the raucous drunken laughter of us on the verandah above it.

And that was one of the happiest times of my life...
posted by Pinback at 7:19 PM on March 17, 2008


Was the terrier okay after that, Pinback? I hope so, because I like your story (but only if the terrier was okay).
posted by amyms at 8:32 PM on March 17, 2008


He was fine. Spent the next day chewing the hell out of everybody's shoes, but I often do that myself after a few too many.

(Truth be told, he probably had no more than half a glass of the stuff. We humans were the stupid ones who kept drinking it.

After going to sleep that night in my tent pitched in the paddock, I woke up the next morning inside the house, under the bed of a rather amorous couple from Sydney.)

posted by Pinback at 8:40 PM on March 17, 2008


Monkeys with drinking problems.
posted by dgaicun at 8:44 PM on March 17, 2008


Okay, I feel better. As for the dichotomy between your falling-asleep place and your waking-up place, Pinback, that'll teach ya to drink expired cordials, young man!
posted by amyms at 12:59 AM on March 18, 2008


My congrats and respects to ardgedee! You nailed it. I don't believe I have ever seen a more clever response to a really lousy MeFi post in seven years. Your logic is impeccable, and the "false" link title too was hilarious! Thanks and kudos to you, sir.

Usually, we just favorite the comment, or post something like "seconded" or "nth'ed". Do you deconstruct and explain jokes to your friends at nightclubs too?
posted by psmealey at 3:04 AM on March 18, 2008


Have you ever sat and looked at a terrier - I mean, really looked - and thought "I wonder what he'd look like dressed up in a little Superman cape?".

I have as well. And the absolute worst part of it? I wasn't drunk at all, just really bored. The thing is; while terriers are most definitely the skittish creatures that you describe, they are also mostly clueless when it comes to wearing clothes.

Cats on the other hand really have a very high failure rate when it comes to trying to move while wearing superhero clothing. Generally, there is a lot of taking a step, falling onto their sides and waiting for me to come and take the damn cape off. Occasionally they will rocket forward a foot or two trying to escape, but inevitably the fall over and wait strategy appears again.

I've evaluated this across multiple animal types from dogs and cats to bunnies and rats, and on one occasion, an irritated parrot who was remarkably adept at slipping out and eating it.

I get bored a lot.
posted by quin at 7:55 AM on March 18, 2008


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