A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre, so he gave it to her. Ba-dum dum.
What's green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels. Ba-dum dum. A baby seal walks into a club. (pause)Ba-dum dum. How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb? LET'S GO RIDE BIKES! Ba-dum dum. A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?" Ba-dum dum.Instant Rimshot. For all those times you need a big red Flash button that'll give you a well-timed rimshot. (Jokes courtesy of Ask Mefi.)
posted by WCityMike (249 comments total)
185 users marked this as a favorite
So, now I do a little voice of my dog telling jokes about eating poop followed by the rimshot. This can't be good. posted by munchingzombie at 7:26 PM on May 12, 2008
What do you get when you cross a dead baby with a bottle of Astroglide™?
Loki, Eris and Coyote walk into a bar...the bartender says, "Order, please." bu..dum...dum.. posted by Chuffy at 8:02 PM on May 12, 2008 [19 favorites]
I really want to find a website like this except with that womp wom sound. You know the Simpson's episode where Homer finds out the Isotopes are moving to Albuquerque and he brings the press to the room full of Alb Isotopes merchandise only to open it up to the guy with the trumpet? That sound! posted by Octoparrot at 8:02 PM on May 12, 2008 [1 favorite]
I do have to say, the graphic for that button is odd. It looks like it starts as depressed, clicking on it brings it up, and it reverts to depressed.
And it's odd that a depressed button would be used as a comedy device. Ba-dum ching. posted by WCityMike at 8:02 PM on May 12, 2008
Wow, a rimshot button AND a sad trumpet page. Well, this thread has pretty much completed my Internet needs, there's really nowhere else to go from here, is there? posted by The Straightener at 8:13 PM on May 12, 2008 [4 favorites]
I'm here all week. Try the veal. posted by ornate insect at 8:13 PM on May 12, 2008
>Wow, a rimshot button AND a sad trumpet page. Well, this thread has pretty much completed my Internet needs, there's really nowhere else to go from here, is there?
Someone could make a single page that has SadTrombone.com and InstantRimShot in IFRAMEs, so that they're both on one page ... posted by WCityMike at 8:14 PM on May 12, 2008
You say I'm supposed to tell a doctor? Sir, if I got an erection that lasted four hours, I wouldn't tell my doctor I'D TELL EVERYONE (click)
This really needs to be a popup window or sidebar app I can have always at my ready when I need it. posted by mathowie at 8:17 PM on May 12, 2008
It goes: 'cause his dick was stuck in the chicken, *click.* posted by nebulawindphone at 8:35 PM on May 12, 2008
Why do I get the feeling that the next MeFi podcast is going to sound like a morning talk radio show? posted by danb at 8:36 PM on May 12, 2008
Good God, man. This has been posted recently elsewhere in prominent places and is a rather ubiquitous post. Boring! posted by Seekerofsplendor at 8:38 PM on May 12, 2008
A giraffe walks into a bar and the bartender says "longneck and two highballs?"
A dog limps into a bar and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender says "whatayahave?" and the baby seal says "anything except the Canadian club". (a little different than the one listed above) posted by zerobyproxy at 8:38 PM on May 12, 2008 [2 favorites]
shadow vector you rock. posted by Octoparrot at 8:39 PM on May 12, 2008
Boring!
No, no, you're telling it wrong! ! It goes like this:
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering wheel stuck to his crotch. The bartender asks, "why do you have a steering wheel stuck to your crotch?" to which the pirate replies, "Argh, I just be in a terrible ship wreck. Please phone a doctor." posted by bjork24 at 10:05 PM on May 12, 2008 [21 favorites]
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar-
Excuse me sir, there's someone at the door asking for you.
Who is it?
He says he The Invisible Man
Tell him I can't see him... *click* posted by binturong at 10:19 PM on May 12, 2008
... so I sez to the bartender I sez, "that was no lady that was an iron lung"! *click* posted by mazola at 10:23 PM on May 12, 2008
Doctor, I can't stop stealing things.
Take these tablets for two weeks. If that doesn't work, get me a flat screen TV ... *click* posted by binturong at 10:27 PM on May 12, 2008
A man goes to the doctor complaining about a tight feeling in his stomach area. The doctor tells the man "You have to stop masturbating."
"Why, doctor?" asks the man.
The doctor snaps back "Because I'm trying to examine you!" posted by dgaicun at 10:39 PM on May 12, 2008 [64 favorites]
A grasshopper walks into a bar and jumps up on a stool. The bartender comes over and says, "Hey, you know, we have a drink named after you." And the grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Ernie?"
****
You heard about the new pirate movie?
It's rated arrrrr.
You know why?
Because of all the booty.
****
So two atoms walk out of a bar.
One of the atoms says, "I gotta go back in. I left an electron in there."
The other atom says, "You sure?"
"Yeah, I'm positive."
****
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in your swimming pool?
Bob.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your wall?
Art.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a leaf pile?
Russell.
What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?
Eileen.
What do you call an Asian woman with one leg shorter than the other?
Irene.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs at the bottom of a hole?
Doug.
What do you call the guy on top of Doug?
Phil.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who plays 27 different instruments?
Stump, the band!
Bed now, before I start on the Helen Keller jokes. posted by tzikeh at 10:41 PM on May 12, 2008 [3 favorites]
Going to hell for this, but:
How many catholic priests does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one, but you can't tell mommy and daddy, okay? posted by logicpunk at 10:52 PM on May 12, 2008 [6 favorites]
If it's gonna be that kinda party, I'm gonna stick my dick in the mashed potatoes! posted by gottabefunky at 11:03 PM on May 12, 2008 [1 favorite]
I don't care what anyone thinks of me. This stuff is funny. posted by wv kay in ga at 11:17 PM on May 12, 2008 [1 favorite]
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says, "Fuck off! You won't bring it back." posted by Space Coyote at 11:19 PM on May 12, 2008 [10 favorites]
Well, It's time for me to get banned...
Q: Whats pink and red and keeps getting smaller and smaller?
A: A baby combing its hair with a potatoe peeler.
Q: How do you get 100 dead babies into a bucket?
A: Blender
Q: How do you get them back out?
A: Dorritos!
Q: What's worse than 10 dead babies nailed to a tree?
A: 1 dead baby nailed to 10 trees.
Q: What's the worst part about F#&king a dead baby?
A: Getting the blood out of your clown suit.
Q: What's 19 inches and will make a woman scream all night long?
A: SIDS
and
Q: How do you get Hellen Keller back for not doing the dishes?
A: Leave the plunger in the toilet.
Bed now, before I start on the Helen Keller jokes.
I'VE GOT YOUR BACK!
How do you get Helen Keller pregnant?
You fuck her.
---
How did Helen Keller burn her ear?
She was in a terrible housefire.
---
What did Helen Keller say when she fell down a well?
AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!
---
What were Helen Keller's favorite garden vegetables?
Corn. Because it comes in EARS! Also potatoes, because they have EYES! It's funny because she was deaf and blind.
Did you know that there is a comic book out there now called Helen Killer? Now you do. We live in a perfect world. posted by Skot at 11:58 PM on May 12, 2008
Some of these jokes are funny. Others, not so much. posted by subgear at 12:19 AM on May 13, 2008
did you know if mama cass had given karen carpenter half her ham sandwich, they'd both be alive today? posted by pyramid termite at 12:29 AM on May 13, 2008 [3 favorites]
A dyslexic man walks into a bra... posted by now i'm piste at 1:08 AM on May 13, 2008
Q. Why is there no aspirin in the jungle?
A. Because there isn't a sufficiently dense patient population nor the manufacturing and dispensing infrastructure to make distribution of painkillers commercially sustainable. posted by MuffinMan at 1:23 AM on May 13, 2008 [16 favorites]
Q. What's the difference between an epileptic cornhusker and a prostitute with diarrhea?
A. An epileptic cornhusker shucks between fits. posted by Crotalus at 1:27 AM on May 13, 2008 [19 favorites]
Two dyslexic men are sitting in the living room. One says to the other, "Can you smell gas?"
The other says, sadly, "I can't even smell my name." posted by Jofus at 1:31 AM on May 13, 2008 [3 favorites]
Q. How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A. Pick him up and suck his dick.
********
Q. How do you know when your girlfriend's getting too fat?
A. She starts fitting into your wife's clothes.
********
Q. Why was Helen Keller a bad driver?
A. She was a woman. sorry couldn't resist
********
Knock, knock... Who's there?
Smell Mop...
********
A businessman arriving in Boston for a convention found that his first evening was free, and he decided to go find a good seafood restaurant that served scrod, a Massachusetts specialty.
Getting into a taxi, he asked the cab driver, "Do you know where I can get scrod around here?"
"Sure," said the cabdriver. "I know a few places... but I can tell you it's not often I hear someone use the third-person pluperfect indicative anymore!"
Chicken walks up to a duck at the side of the road and says, "Don't do it, mate, you'll never hear the end of it!" posted by Tarn at 2:35 AM on May 13, 2008 [5 favorites]
Q. What's Snoop Dogg's favorite weather?
A. Drizzle
******
Q. How does Snoop keep his whites so white?
A. Bleee-aach!
posted by hypersloth at 11:34 AM on May 13 [+] [!]
Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Why do you hate? posted by iamck at 4:45 AM on May 13, 2008
How many Polacks does it take to screw up a lightbulb?
It takes THREE!
No, wait, I told it wrong. Why does it take three Polacks to screw in a lightbulb?
'Cause they're so damned stupid!
Shit, man, think about it. I guess that's why they call it a "Way Homer"...cos you only get it on the way home! posted by pxe2000 at 4:47 AM on May 13, 2008 [1 favorite]
Neutron walks into a bar.
Neutron: How much for a beer?
Bartender: For you, no charge! posted by BozoBurgerBonanza at 4:47 AM on May 13, 2008
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, I've got this uncontrollable urge to become a swinger"
What do you call a man with 50 rabbits up his bum?
Warren. *click*
How many Freudian psychoanalysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to screw in the light bulb and the other to hold the penis...I mean LADDER! *click* posted by biscotti at 6:37 AM on May 13, 2008 [10 favorites]
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in your swimming pool?
Bob.
Whaddayacall a man with no arms, no legs, and a hundred rabbits up his bum?
This thread made my morning. Thank you. posted by lilac girl at 6:49 AM on May 13, 2008
No! You fucked up the Snoop joke.
Q. Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella?
A. Fo tha drizzle!
No, no, it's: "Fo' drizzle, my nizzle." posted by hjo3 at 6:53 AM on May 13, 2008 [2 favorites]
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but clingfilm all over his body.
The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts". posted by sleep_walker at 6:54 AM on May 13, 2008 [3 favorites]
Hey I only clicked on BaDaDum once. How come every link in the post is now highlighted?.... oh. (slinks off to the FAQs with all the other noobs) posted by nax at 6:56 AM on May 13, 2008
A byte walks into a bar and orders a pint.
Bartender asks him "What's wrong?"
Byte says "Parity error."
Bartender nods and says "Yeah, I thought you looked a bit off." posted by The Bellman at 7:05 AM on May 13, 2008 [7 favorites]
How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifty. One to change it and forty-nine to sit back and sneer, "Hell, I could do that." *click* posted by FelliniBlank at 7:07 AM on May 13, 2008
Piece of string goes into a bar. Bartender goes, "Sorry, we don't serve string here." String goes out into the street. Waves down a passerby. Says, "Hey buddy, can you tie me into a half-hitch?...Thanks. And can you just unravel my ends a little?" Turns around, goes back into the bar. Bartender goes, "What'll you...HEY aren't you that piece of string who was in here before?" String goes, "No, I'm a frayed knot." posted by PlusDistance at 7:43 AM on May 13, 2008 [4 favorites]
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says: "make me one with everything".
When he asked for his change, the hot dog guy said, "Change comes from within."
One penguin said to the other, "It looks like you're wearing a tuxedo." The other penguin said, "Well... maybe I am."
Why did Helen Keller masturbate one-handed? So she could moan with the other.
What's the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of dead babies? You can't unload a truckload of bowling balls with a pitchfork.
A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve string here." The string walks out, ties himself into a clove hitch, rubs himself against the sidewalk a few times, then goes back into the bar. Bartender says, "Aren't you the piece of string that was just in here?" The string says, "No, I'm afraid not."
Thankew, thankew, try the waitress and don't forget to tip the veal. posted by Halloween Jack at 7:44 AM on May 13, 2008
What's green and fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
.
.
.
.
A pool table. posted by Lord Kinbote at 7:51 AM on May 13, 2008 [3 favorites]
How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?
Three: one to make the cookies and the other two to peel all the M&Ms. posted by vorfeed at 7:57 AM on May 13, 2008 [1 favorite]
Hypersloth - the cab driver should have, " ..it's not often I hear somebody use a modal auxiliary with an infinitive and a past participle."
no arms and no legs on a door step - matt
no arms and no legs and hung on a wall - art
no arms and no legs in a pool - bob
no arms and no legs and thrown out of a moving car - skip
No arms and no legs and stuffed in a mailbox - bill
girl with one leg - Eileen
Chinese Girl with one leg - Irene posted by empath at 8:08 AM on May 13, 2008
A man goes to the psychiatrist and says, "Doctor I'm a wigwam I'm a tepee" Doctor says "Relax your to tense" posted by pianomover at 8:14 AM on May 13, 2008 [1 favorite]
no arms and no legs rolling around in a pile of leaves - Russel
no arms and no legs at a nudist colony - Seymour posted by Balisong at 8:26 AM on May 13, 2008
two strings walk into a bar.
the first one says "i'll have a shot and a beer~3-sIcayetbk)v%k^fe;'plkjbjo+_fh%^&"
the other says "you'll have to pardon my friend, he's not null terminated." posted by quonsar at 8:27 AM on May 13, 2008 [7 favorites]
How many punks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two - one to do it, one to kick the chair out from under him.
How many WASPS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three - one to call the electrician, one to mix the martinis and one to talk about how much better the old lightbulb was.
How do you know you've had a hippie staying with you?
He's still there.
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless! posted by mygothlaundry at 8:34 AM on May 13, 2008
A wino is watching a young lady load the checkout belt in a supermarket. He notices the little pack of four apples, the three cans of cat food, the numerous pre-prepared TV dinners and finally a romantic novel. He approaches her saying "I-I-I'll jush bet that you're single".
"Well, as a matter of fact I am", she replies, "How did you know?"
"Because you're fucking ugly." posted by doctorschlock at 8:38 AM on May 13, 2008 [3 favorites]
How man Mefites does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but that have to be this > < big.
What's the difference between a bass player and a large pizza?
A large pizza can feed a family of four. posted by eriko at 8:38 AM on May 13, 2008
Wait, we only really need to tell the punch lines!
Because I'm Fucking Freezing!
No, no, it's just Ice Cream! posted by eriko at 8:39 AM on May 13, 2008
Why is getting up at 5 in the morning like a pig's tail?
how do you get an electric guitarist to turn it down?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
give him some sheet music posted by doctorschlock at 8:40 AM on May 13, 2008
What did Helen Keller say as she put down the cheese grater?
"Thats the most violent book I've ever read" posted by Rumple at 8:46 AM on May 13, 2008 [2 favorites]
Did you hear about the Indian who drank too much tea?
Died in his own tepee.
How about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw?
Two old vets were sitting in a VFW hall arguing, Tony was blind, Frank had no legs.
Frank: "If you don't shut up I'll kick your sorry ass"
Tony: "I'd love to see you try". posted by dawson at 8:51 AM on May 13, 2008
Geometry: without it life is pointless. posted by sleep_walker at 8:58 AM on May 13, 2008
The next day the same woman walks into the same bar and asks for a single entendre.
Bartender says, "Which is it today, a drink or a fuck?" posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 9:02 AM on May 13, 2008 [1 favorite]
What's stiff, 12 inches long and makes women scream in the morning?
"A naked blond walks into a bar, with a poodle under one arm, and a two foot salami under the other. She lays the poodle on the table. Bartender says, "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." The naked lady says..."
'So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ' Is that the local swimming baths?' He said ' It depends where you're calling from.'
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
So I went to the dentist.
He said, 'Say Aaah. 'I said, 'Why?' He said, 'My dog's died.'
'So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.' posted by MuffinMan at 9:49 AM on May 13, 2008 [2 favorites]
Comic Sans walks into a bar, the bartender says, "Get out, I don't like your face!"
did you know that jesus christ was irish? - he lived at home with his parents until he was 30, wandered around the country with no means of visible support and had 12 drinking buddies posted by pyramid termite at 10:38 AM on May 13, 2008
Watch out, Itchy! He's Irish! posted by DU at 10:41 AM on May 13, 2008
More like two snare hits and a crash rather than a rimshot. Therefore, this post is misleading and should be removed. posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 10:58 AM on May 13, 2008
A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
That's by the late comedian (and rowing coach) Michael "Boats" Johnson, R.I.P. posted by msalt at 11:01 AM on May 13, 2008
Q: What you you get when you cross an elephant with a grape?
A: Elephant-grape-sin(theta)!
*****
Two guys were at a University of Georgia game, watchin' Uga, the bulldog mascot, lick himself in the way that dogs do. First guy says, "Boy, I wish I could do that," and the second guy says, "That dog would bite youuuuuu!" posted by shiu mai baby at 11:22 AM on May 13, 2008 [1 favorite]
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, eating a snack cake while her dad gets his hair cut.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get tits too." posted by doctorschlock at 11:28 AM on May 13, 2008 [11 favorites]
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says: "make me one with everything".
So the guy at the stand says "that'll be two fifty." The Buddhist gives him a five and gets his hot dog. He walks off, then comes back a little while later and says "I forgot to get my change." So the man at the stand says "Ah, but change must come from within." posted by Citizen Premier at 11:29 AM on May 13, 2008 [1 favorite]
That's the way it works when you say it. When you write it, it's "No, I'm a frayed knot." posted by Mike D at 12:06 PM on May 13, 2008
Never mind... someone got there ahead of me. posted by Mike D at 12:08 PM on May 13, 2008
A dyslexic!
A dyslexic who?
Knock knock. posted by rusty at 12:13 PM on May 13, 2008
What's the difference between a musician and a large pizza? A large pizza can feed a family of four.
What does a stripper do with her asshole before going to work? Drops him off at band practice.
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? Halfway! posted by pernoctalian at 12:20 PM on May 13, 2008
So a skeleton walks into a bar. Says, "gimme a beer... and a mop." posted by nicepersonality at 12:34 PM on May 13, 2008
A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, I'm lonely. I can't make any friends. Ya gotta help me YOU BIG FAT SLOB!" posted by hal9k at 12:42 PM on May 13, 2008
Pete and RePete went on a boat ride. Pete fell out. Who was left? posted by Halloween Jack at 12:49 PM on May 13, 2008
Q. How many Emo kids does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None - they prefer to sit in the dark and cry, alone.
******
Q. How many Ska kids does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Three. One to drop it and two to pick-it-up, pick-it-up. posted by hypersloth at 12:53 PM on May 13, 2008 [1 favorite]
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef.
**********
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
**********
Why was Six afraid of Seven?
Because Seven Eight Nine!
Hi, I work in a summer camp. posted by rmless at 1:02 PM on May 13, 2008
What do you call a masturbating bull?
Beef strokin' off.
That'll kill at the summer camp. posted by Pollomacho at 1:06 PM on May 13, 2008
Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don't. You get down from a duck.
Q: How do you get four elephants into a Mini?
A: Two in the front and two in the back.
Q: How do you get an elephant into a fridge?
A: Open the door.
Q: How can you tell if you have two elephants in your fridge?
A: The door won't close.
Q: How can you tell if you have three elephants in your fridge?
A: There's an elephant sitting all alone in the Mini parked outside.
How many pschiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but the lightbulb has to want to change. posted by sleep_walker at 1:25 PM on May 13, 2008
What do you call a leper in a hot tub?
Stu
What does the Oklahoma girl say after sex?
"So, are all you guys on the football team?"
Q: What you you get when you cross an elephant with a grape?
A: Elephant-grape-sin(theta)!
What do you get when you cross and elephant with a mountain climber?
You can't cross a scaler! posted by joaquim at 1:26 PM on May 13, 2008
1944. Fritz & Klaus, two highly trained German spies who have been undercover in Britain for most of the war, walk into a bar in London. Klaus orders two martinis. “Dry?”, asks the bartender.
“Nein, ZWEI!” posted by Siberian Mist at 2:01 PM on May 13, 2008
Q: What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
A: The Holocaust.
I remember a link from awhile ago that was nothing but these shocking, not-funny (or ironically funny, or whatever) jokes. Anyone remember where to find that? posted by arcticwoman at 2:09 PM on May 13, 2008
How many punks does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Everybody knows that punk can't change anything.
I had always heard this joke with "feminists" instead of "punks." Two for the price of one!
Here's one from my mother-in-law:
Q: How do all racist jokes start?
A: *look left and right over shoulders* posted by arcticwoman at 2:14 PM on May 13, 2008 [2 favorites]
What should you do if an English major rings your doorbell?
Tip him for the pizza. posted by kyleg at 2:17 PM on May 13, 2008
A [hysterical minority] was fucking his sister. She says to him, 'You fuck just like Dad.' 'I know,' he says, 'Mom told me.' posted by shakespeherian at 2:30 PM on May 13, 2008 [1 favorite]
How many Grateful Dead fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two sausages are sizzling in a pan. First sausage turns to the other and says "Christ, it's getting pretty hot in here." Second sausage turns to the first and says "Fuck me, a talking sausage!" posted by turgid dahlia at 3:21 PM on May 13, 2008 [1 favorite]
one to make the cookies and the other two to peel all the M&Ms.
Why was the blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing out all the W's.
Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into his lens grinder?
He made a spectacle of himself.
Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the apholstery machine?
It's ok, he's fully recovered.
How about the midget fortune teller who escaped from prison?
Small medium at large.
... the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
He stayed awake nights wondering if there was a dog.
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
"Where's my tractor?"
The cross-eyed judge and the three cross-eyed criminals:
the judge asks the first: "how do you plead?"
the second says: "not guilty"
the judge says: "I wasn't talking to you"
the third says: "I didn't say anything!" posted by and for no one at 6:04 PM on May 13, 2008
A naked man walks into a bar with a duck sitting on his head. The bartender says, "Rough day, John?" The duck says, "You have no idea." *click*
How many rock climbers does it take to change a light bulb? 402. 400 to drag the boulder into the room, 1 to climb it to change the bulb, and 1 to spot him. *click* posted by A dead Quaker at 6:46 PM on May 13, 2008
Aiieeesh. Intentionally bad jokes? Alright.
Guy walks into a bar, goes to order a beer, but the bartender is busy. While he's standing there, he hears a tiny voice say "Hey, nice pants."
Guy looks around. Nobody there. Bartender still talking to someone else. So he shrugs it off. Voice speaks up again. "Nice hat."
Guy suspects a practical joke. looks under bar stool. Looks around. Nothing. Voice says: "That's a nice tie, too."
"OK!" says the guy, finally getting the bartender's attention. "WHAT is the deal with the voice and the comments?!"
The bartender looks confused for a moment, and then nods and motions toward the bar. "It's the peanuts. They're complimentary."
"I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away." -jh posted by vronsky at 7:37 PM on May 13, 2008 [1 favorite]
How do you know you've had a hippie staying with you?
He's still there.^
I remember a link from awhile ago that was nothing but these shocking, not-funny (or ironically funny, or whatever) jokes. Anyone remember where to find that?
Arctic, I'm fairly certain it was SomethingAwful. Either that or B3TA. posted by turgid dahlia at 8:27 PM on May 13, 2008
Q: What did Jesus say after they took the nails out of his hands?
A: (wobbling forward and backward with arms windmilling) THE FEET! THE FEET!!!! posted by GoingToShopping at 10:37 PM on May 13, 2008 [1 favorite]
Anteater walks into the bar.
Bartender says, "Do you want something to drink?"
Anteater: "No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!"
"NOOOO-OOOOO-OOOO!"
"NNNNOOOoooOOOOOoooOOOoooOOOOOOOO!"
Bartender: "Why the long no's?" posted by eye of newt at 10:41 PM on May 13, 2008
What is the difference between a policeman's truncheon and a magicians wand.
One is used for cunning stunts and the other is used for stunning cunts. posted by dollyknot at 5:41 AM on May 14, 2008
Man walks into a bar clutching his stomach and groaning.
"What's the matter with you, " the bar man asks.
"I've got yaws"
"What's yaws?"
"Thanks, I'll have a whisky."
Man walks back into a bar clutching his stomach and groaning.
"Oh you won't catch me like that again," the bar man says.
"What do you mean?"
"You came in like that a few minutes ago."
"That wasn't me."
"You must have double then."
"Thanks, I'll have a double whisky." posted by fearfulsymmetry at 6:43 AM on May 14, 2008
How many college students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None.
College students screw in pools of vomit.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
........and so on, until they say Knock Knock who? posted by BozoBurgerBonanza at 7:34 AM on May 14, 2008
Why do elephants wear little green hats?
So they can sneak across billiard tables undetected.
duh. posted by TheCoug at 4:03 PM on May 14, 2008
How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, but it takes a team of fifteen three years and a budget of 2 million to produce a pamphlet called 'Coping with Darkness'. posted by Happy Dave at 2:58 AM on May 15, 2008 [5 favorites]
For the medical folks out there:
How do you hide a dollar from an orthopedic surgeon?
Put it in a textbook!
*****
How do you hide a dollar from a radiologist?
Tape it to the patient's forehead!
*****
How do you hide a dollar from a plastic surgeon?
You can't!
*****
How many thoracic surgeons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One: he just holds it up and the world revolves around him! posted by TedW at 4:19 AM on May 15, 2008 [1 favorite]
How many gutter punks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
They don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in dumpsters. posted by horsemuth at 9:01 AM on June 1, 2008
I now no longer read untruncated headlines.
OBAMA QUITS church
FIRE DESTROYS KING KONG exhibit
ONE VOTE MADE DECISIVE IN GAY MARRIAGE ruling
HACKER MODIFIES MARS LANDER website
CHICAGO PRIEST APOLOGIZES FOR CLINTON comment
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posted by hal9k at 7:18 PM on May 12, 2008 [2 favorites]