Web 2.0 Vaudeville

May 12, 2008 7:10 PM

A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre, so he gave it to her. Ba-dum dum. What's green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels. Ba-dum dum. A baby seal walks into a club. (pause) Ba-dum dum. How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb? LET'S GO RIDE BIKES! Ba-dum dum. A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?" Ba-dum dum. Instant Rimshot. For all those times you need a big red Flash button that'll give you a well-timed rimshot. (Jokes courtesy of Ask Mefi.)
posted by WCityMike (249 comments total)

Less inside
posted by hal9k at 7:18 PM on May 12 [2 favorites]

I heard Lindsay Lohan has a new TV game show. It's called, "Where's My Line?"
posted by msalt at 7:19 PM on May 12 [2 favorites]

.
posted by auralcoral at 7:25 PM on May 12 [3 favorites]

So, now I do a little voice of my dog telling jokes about eating poop followed by the rimshot. This can't be good.
posted by munchingzombie at 7:26 PM on May 12

What do you get when you cross a dead baby with a bottle of Astroglide™?

I don't know either, but I can't stop eating it!
posted by Navelgazer at 7:26 PM on May 12 [45 favorites]

(I'm already sorry)
posted by Navelgazer at 7:26 PM on May 12

It's the first ever single WAV post! Hooray!
posted by flatluigi at 7:28 PM on May 12 [5 favorites]

This is my new homepage.
posted by DU at 7:35 PM on May 12

This is the best website I've ever seen.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 7:35 PM on May 12

if you mash the button rapidly at no fixed frequency, it's like Aphex Twin!
posted by heeeraldo at 7:36 PM on May 12 [6 favorites]

It's the first ever single WAV post! Hooray!

SLWP
posted by Fuzzy Skinner at 7:39 PM on May 12

Single serving sites.
posted by tellurian at 7:39 PM on May 12 [6 favorites]

Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Why the long face?"
posted by mr_crash_davis at 7:40 PM on May 12 [13 favorites]

Best.
posted by loiseau at 7:47 PM on May 12

A guy walks in to a bar. Ouch.



Another guy walks into a bar. You think he would have learned from the first guy.
posted by Tesseractive at 7:48 PM on May 12 [2 favorites]

What's brown and sticky?







A stick.
posted by Lucinda at 7:51 PM on May 12 [1 favorite]

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Hey, where is the bar tender?"
posted by Mike D at 7:57 PM on May 12 [1 favorite]

It's more of a ba-dump ching.
posted by jeffamaphone at 7:57 PM on May 12 [1 favorite]

A baby seal walks into a club.
posted by griphus at 8:00 PM on May 12 [2 favorites]

It's about time this whole "internet" thing started to deliver on its promise.
posted by yhbc at 8:00 PM on May 12 [4 favorites]

What's blue and sticky?








Smurf semen.
posted by CKmtl at 8:01 PM on May 12 [3 favorites]

griphus reads the whole post!

ba-dump ching!
posted by yhbc at 8:01 PM on May 12 [2 favorites]

Loki, Eris and Coyote walk into a bar...the bartender says, "Order, please." bu..dum...dum..
posted by Chuffy at 8:02 PM on May 12 [17 favorites]

I really want to find a website like this except with that womp wom sound. You know the Simpson's episode where Homer finds out the Isotopes are moving to Albuquerque and he brings the press to the room full of Alb Isotopes merchandise only to open it up to the guy with the trumpet? That sound!
posted by Octoparrot at 8:02 PM on May 12 [1 favorite]

I do have to say, the graphic for that button is odd. It looks like it starts as depressed, clicking on it brings it up, and it reverts to depressed.

And it's odd that a depressed button would be used as a comedy device. Ba-dum ching.
posted by WCityMike at 8:02 PM on May 12

PRESS WIN BUTTON.

GET WIN.

WIN.

WIN.

WIN.
posted by The Straightener at 8:05 PM on May 12

Octoparrot, you're in luck.
posted by shadow vector at 8:05 PM on May 12 [51 favorites]

Wow, a rimshot button AND a sad trumpet page. Well, this thread has pretty much completed my Internet needs, there's really nowhere else to go from here, is there?
posted by The Straightener at 8:13 PM on May 12 [4 favorites]

I'm here all week. Try the veal.
posted by ornate insect at 8:13 PM on May 12

> Wow, a rimshot button AND a sad trumpet page. Well, this thread has pretty much completed my Internet needs, there's really nowhere else to go from here, is there?

Someone could make a single page that has SadTrombone.com and InstantRimShot in IFRAMEs, so that they're both on one page ...
posted by WCityMike at 8:14 PM on May 12

You say I'm supposed to tell a doctor? Sir, if I got an erection that lasted four hours, I wouldn't tell my doctor I'D TELL EVERYONE (click)



This really needs to be a popup window or sidebar app I can have always at my ready when I need it.
posted by mathowie at 8:17 PM on May 12

What's a foot long and slippery?




A slipper!
posted by Rumple at 8:17 PM on May 12 [4 favorites]

Thanks much to the WCityMike and shadow vector. Poker night just got sound effects.
posted by waitangi at 8:21 PM on May 12

What's the difference between jam and jelly?


. . . oh, I can't do this.
posted by kingfisher, his musclebound cat at 8:24 PM on May 12 [1 favorite]

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?

Do you smell carrots?
posted by Bonzai at 8:27 PM on May 12 [6 favorites]

What do you call a black man in a pilot's uniform?














A pilot, you fucking racist. *click*
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 8:30 PM on May 12 [11 favorites]

'cause his dick was stuck in the chicken!

...

Wait. I think I did this wrong.
posted by goatdog at 8:32 PM on May 12 [6 favorites]

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?








...a carrot!
posted by jedicus at 8:35 PM on May 12 [1 favorite]

Yeah, you forgot the punch line.

It goes: 'cause his dick was stuck in the chicken, *click.*
posted by nebulawindphone at 8:35 PM on May 12

Why do I get the feeling that the next MeFi podcast is going to sound like a morning talk radio show?
posted by danb at 8:36 PM on May 12

Good God, man. This has been posted recently elsewhere in prominent places and is a rather ubiquitous post. Boring!
posted by Seekerofsplendor at 8:38 PM on May 12

A giraffe walks into a bar and the bartender says "longneck and two highballs?"

A dog limps into a bar and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender says "whatayahave?" and the baby seal says "anything except the Canadian club". (a little different than the one listed above)
posted by zerobyproxy at 8:38 PM on May 12 [2 favorites]

shadow vector you rock.
posted by Octoparrot at 8:39 PM on May 12

Boring!

No, no, you're telling it wrong! ! It goes like this:

Boring! *click*
posted by flapjax at midnite at 8:42 PM on May 12 [3 favorites]

Hillary Clinton still thinks she can be president.
posted by fourcheesemac at 8:47 PM on May 12 [13 favorites]

What do you get when you cross a trumpet with a hooker?

A prostit-toot!
posted by dr_dank at 9:06 PM on May 12

A man and a little boy are walking in the forest, when the boy says "It's getting dark, I'm scared."

"You're scared," replies the man, "I'm the one who has to walk out of here alone!"
Wah-Wah-Wah-Wawawaaaaah
posted by dgaicun at 9:10 PM on May 12 [4 favorites]

WCityMike, here's that hug I owe you.
posted by PostIronyIsNotaMyth at 9:15 PM on May 12

And just for thoroughness, here's The Wilhelm. ^
posted by dgaicun at 9:16 PM on May 12

Dammit! A better Wilhelm. For all your Wilhelm needs.
posted by dgaicun at 9:20 PM on May 12 [1 favorite]

What's big and black and may fall on you when you pass under a tree?




A piano.
posted by shakespeherian at 9:25 PM on May 12

Q: What's sad about 4 black people in a Cadillac going over a cliff?

A: They were my friends :-(

*

Q: What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

A: The Holocaust.
posted by turgid dahlia at 9:45 PM on May 12 [18 favorites]

Q. Three men fall from their boat into the water, but none of them get their hair wet. Why not?

A. It wasn't raining!!!

--

Q. Five men are all huddled under a small children's umbrella, but none of them get rained on. Why not?

A. They were bald!!!




Wait a minute...
posted by Fuzzy Skinner at 9:53 PM on May 12

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye-deer!
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 9:56 PM on May 12

What are the two sexiest farm animals?







Brown chicken, brown cow. *click*
posted by 23skidoo at 9:57 PM on May 12 [7 favorites]

THANKS, INSTANTRIMSHOT!
posted by 23skidoo at 9:58 PM on May 12 [1 favorite]

Instant rimjob? I don't think I have the bandwidth for that.
posted by dr_dank at 10:01 PM on May 12 [4 favorites]

What sound does an exploding sheep make?

Shish-Boom-Baaaaaa!!!
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 10:01 PM on May 12

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering wheel stuck to his crotch. The bartender asks, "why do you have a steering wheel stuck to your crotch?" to which the pirate replies, "Argh, I just be in a terrible ship wreck. Please phone a doctor."
posted by bjork24 at 10:05 PM on May 12 [20 favorites]

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar-

-INTERRUPTING COW!
posted by turgid dahlia at 10:05 PM on May 12 [2 favorites]

What kind of bees make milk?


Boo-bees!
posted by GooseOnTheLoose at 10:10 PM on May 12 [1 favorite]

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead.


Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
It was stapled to the first monkey.


Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure!

****

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up behind it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
The tame way.

****

What's brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNG!

****

Why did Ernest Hemingway cross the road?
To die. Alone. In the rain.

****

Lord, I love jokes like this. Why? No idea.
posted by tzikeh at 10:13 PM on May 12 [13 favorites]

Excuse me sir, there's someone at the door asking for you.
Who is it?
He says he The Invisible Man
Tell him I can't see him... *click*
posted by binturong at 10:19 PM on May 12

... so I sez to the bartender I sez, "that was no lady that was an iron lung"! *click*
posted by mazola at 10:23 PM on May 12

Doctor, I can't stop stealing things.
Take these tablets for two weeks. If that doesn't work, get me a flat screen TV ... *click*
posted by binturong at 10:27 PM on May 12

Rectum! it nearly killed him!!!

...oh wait...

Liquor! But I hardly know her!!!

*sigh*
posted by P.o.B. at 10:29 PM on May 12

There were three bears. One of them married a giraffe. The other two put him up to it... *click*
posted by binturong at 10:29 PM on May 12

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...

(Click)
posted by MrVisible at 10:30 PM on May 12 [14 favorites]

Why do cherry trees smell?

Because George Washington cut one.
posted by maryh at 10:33 PM on May 12 [3 favorites]

A man goes to the doctor complaining about a tight feeling in his stomach area. The doctor tells the man "You have to stop masturbating."

"Why, doctor?" asks the man.

The doctor snaps back "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
posted by dgaicun at 10:39 PM on May 12 [61 favorites]

A grasshopper walks into a bar and jumps up on a stool. The bartender comes over and says, "Hey, you know, we have a drink named after you." And the grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Ernie?"

****

You heard about the new pirate movie?
It's rated arrrrr.
You know why?
Because of all the booty.

****

So two atoms walk out of a bar.
One of the atoms says, "I gotta go back in. I left an electron in there."
The other atom says, "You sure?"
"Yeah, I'm positive."

****

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in your swimming pool?
Bob.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your wall?
Art.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a leaf pile?
Russell.

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?
Eileen.

What do you call an Asian woman with one leg shorter than the other?
Irene.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs at the bottom of a hole?
Doug.

What do you call the guy on top of Doug?
Phil.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who plays 27 different instruments?
Stump, the band!

Bed now, before I start on the Helen Keller jokes.
posted by tzikeh at 10:41 PM on May 12 [3 favorites]

Going to hell for this, but:

How many catholic priests does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one, but you can't tell mommy and daddy, okay?
posted by logicpunk at 10:52 PM on May 12 [6 favorites]

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
The tame way.

Ha!

How do you top a car?

Tep on da brake, tupid.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 10:56 PM on May 12

If it's gonna be that kinda party, I'm gonna stick my dick in the mashed potatoes!
posted by gottabefunky at 11:03 PM on May 12 [1 favorite]

I don't care what anyone thinks of me. This stuff is funny.
posted by wv kay in ga at 11:17 PM on May 12 [1 favorite]

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says, "Fuck off! You won't bring it back."
posted by Space Coyote at 11:19 PM on May 12 [10 favorites]

Well, It's time for me to get banned...

Q: Whats pink and red and keeps getting smaller and smaller?
A: A baby combing its hair with a potatoe peeler.

Q: How do you get 100 dead babies into a bucket?
A: Blender

Q: How do you get them back out?
A: Dorritos!

Q: What's worse than 10 dead babies nailed to a tree?
A: 1 dead baby nailed to 10 trees.

Q: What's the worst part about F#&king a dead baby?
A: Getting the blood out of your clown suit.

Q: What's 19 inches and will make a woman scream all night long?
A: SIDS

and

Q: How do you get Hellen Keller back for not doing the dishes?
A: Leave the plunger in the toilet.

Thank you! It was nice knowing you all!
posted by The Power Nap at 11:22 PM on May 12 [4 favorites]

"How many Hillary Clinton's does it take to change a light bulb?"

(shrilly) "That's sexist and not funny!"
posted by orthogonality at 11:24 PM on May 12 [2 favorites]

Q: What happened when Napoleon went to Mount Olive?

A: Popeye got pissed.
posted by drjimmy11 at 11:38 PM on May 12 [2 favorites]

Bed now, before I start on the Helen Keller jokes.

I'VE GOT YOUR BACK!

How do you get Helen Keller pregnant?

You fuck her.

---

How did Helen Keller burn her ear?

She was in a terrible housefire.

---

What did Helen Keller say when she fell down a well?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

---

What were Helen Keller's favorite garden vegetables?

Corn. Because it comes in EARS! Also potatoes, because they have EYES! It's funny because she was deaf and blind.

Did you know that there is a comic book out there now called Helen Killer? Now you do. We live in a perfect world.
posted by Skot at 11:58 PM on May 12

Some of these jokes are funny. Others, not so much.
posted by subgear at 12:19 AM on May 13

did you know if mama cass had given karen carpenter half her ham sandwich, they'd both be alive today?
posted by pyramid termite at 12:29 AM on May 13 [3 favorites]

Do not push the red button. *ahem*
posted by not_on_display at 12:45 AM on May 13 [3 favorites]

Now we can all get some sleep...
posted by Pinback at 12:47 AM on May 13

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender if they serve Scotsmen.

"Why of course we do," says the bartender.

"Excellent," says the man. "I'll have a pint of ale and two Scotsmen for my crocodile Rex, here"

*****

Q. What did St Patrick say when he drove the snakes out of Ireland?

A. "Err, are you all roight in the back dere, lads?"
posted by MuffinMan at 12:48 AM on May 13 [2 favorites]

A horse goes into a bar. Barman says 'Why the long face?'
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 12:52 AM on May 13

What's red and invisible?








NO TOMATOES!
posted by prefpara at 12:57 AM on May 13 [11 favorites]

what's japanese and invisible?

NO THEATER!!
posted by pyramid termite at 1:02 AM on May 13 [23 favorites]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
posted by now i'm piste at 1:08 AM on May 13

Q. Why is there no aspirin in the jungle?

A. Because there isn't a sufficiently dense patient population nor the manufacturing and dispensing infrastructure to make distribution of painkillers commercially sustainable.
posted by MuffinMan at 1:23 AM on May 13 [16 favorites]

Q. What's the difference between an epileptic cornhusker and a prostitute with diarrhea?







A. An epileptic cornhusker shucks between fits.
posted by Crotalus at 1:27 AM on May 13 [20 favorites]

Two dyslexic men are sitting in the living room. One says to the other, "Can you smell gas?"
The other says, sadly, "I can't even smell my name."
posted by Jofus at 1:31 AM on May 13 [3 favorites]

Q. How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?



A. Pick him up and suck his dick.

********

Q. How do you know when your girlfriend's getting too fat?



A. She starts fitting into your wife's clothes.

********

Q. Why was Helen Keller a bad driver?



A. She was a woman. sorry couldn't resist

********

Knock, knock... Who's there?
Smell Mop...

********

A businessman arriving in Boston for a convention found that his first evening was free, and he decided to go find a good seafood restaurant that served scrod, a Massachusetts specialty.
Getting into a taxi, he asked the cab driver, "Do you know where I can get scrod around here?"
"Sure," said the cabdriver. "I know a few places... but I can tell you it's not often I hear someone use the third-person pluperfect indicative anymore!"

okay I'm done.
posted by hypersloth at 1:52 AM on May 13 [7 favorites]

Wood eye? Harelip!
posted by fixedgear at 2:09 AM on May 13 [1 favorite]

50 Cent made me a sweater.

I was like, gee - you knit?
posted by 6am at 2:27 AM on May 13 [8 favorites]

was done but after the 50 cent joke slayed me...

Q. What's Snoop Dogg's favorite weather?


A. Drizzle

******

Q. How does Snoop keep his whites so white?


A. Bleee-aach!
posted by hypersloth at 2:34 AM on May 13 [1 favorite]

Chicken walks up to a duck at the side of the road and says, "Don't do it, mate, you'll never hear the end of it!"
posted by Tarn at 2:35 AM on May 13 [4 favorites]

Q. What's Snoop Dogg's favorite weather?


A. Drizzle

******

Q. How does Snoop keep his whites so white?


A. Bleee-aach!
posted by hypersloth at 11:34 AM on May 13 [+] [!]



No! You fucked up the Snoop joke.

Q. Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella?

A. Fo tha drizzle!
posted by nonmerci at 3:02 AM on May 13 [2 favorites]

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye-deer!

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no balls?

No fucking eye-deer!
*****
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no balls, and no legs?

Still no fucking eye-deer!
posted by TedW at 4:17 AM on May 13 [5 favorites]

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"
posted by moonbiter at 4:36 AM on May 13

Q: Ah, but what do you call a dinosaur with only one eye?

A: A Dyouthinkhesaurus.

******************

Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A: A fsh.

******************

I bet the butcher a dollar he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf.
He said: "no, the steaks are too high".

******************

Our baker was electrocuted.
He stood on a bun and a currant ran up his leg.

******************

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says: "make me one with everything".

******************

Q: What's green and sings?

A: Elvis Parsley.


Thangyew, thanyewverrymuch.
posted by Mrs. Tex Benitez at 4:36 AM on May 13 [1 favorite]

Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Why do you hate?
posted by iamck at 4:45 AM on May 13

How many Polacks does it take to screw up a lightbulb?

It takes THREE!

No, wait, I told it wrong. Why does it take three Polacks to screw in a lightbulb?

'Cause they're so damned stupid!

Shit, man, think about it. I guess that's why they call it a "Way Homer"...cos you only get it on the way home!
posted by pxe2000 at 4:47 AM on May 13 [1 favorite]

Neutron walks into a bar.
Neutron: How much for a beer?
Bartender: For you, no charge!
posted by BozoBurgerBonanza at 4:47 AM on May 13

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, I've got this uncontrollable urge to become a swinger"

"How does your wife feel?"

"Really firm and juicy, how about yours?"
posted by MuffinMan at 4:53 AM on May 13 [9 favorites]

Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja!...
Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

*klik*
posted by Cookiebastard at 5:07 AM on May 13 [10 favorites]

Whaddaya get when you cross a gorilla? Anything he wants!! BAM!
posted by not_on_display at 5:15 AM on May 13

Did you hear about the Siamese twin who moved to England just so his brother could drive?


Or how about that contortionist from the Phillipines- The Manila Folder.


There's a new all-midget porno movie out. It's great- it's got full runtal nudity.


Be sure to tip your waitress and bartneder, folks! I'll be here all week!
posted by Shohn at 5:28 AM on May 13

Two elephants and cymbals fall off a cliff..
posted by ruelle at 5:33 AM on May 13

...so then the three-legged armadillo says, "I may be slow, but I'm always hard." Ba-dum pshhh!
posted by steef at 5:45 AM on May 13

A man walks into a doctor's office and says "Doc, I've got the strangest symptoms. I can't get 'Green Green Grass of Home' out of my head!"

The doctor replies, "Sounds like you have Tom Jones Syndrome."

The man asks "Is that common?"

The doctor says, "Well, it's not unusual."

THANGYEW! GOONIGH!
posted by anthom at 6:10 AM on May 13 [6 favorites]

What do you call a man with 50 rabbits up his bum?

Warren. *click*

How many Freudian psychoanalysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw in the light bulb and the other to hold the penis...I mean LADDER! *click*
posted by biscotti at 6:37 AM on May 13 [12 favorites]

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in your swimming pool?
Bob.

Whaddayacall a man with no arms, no legs, and a hundred rabbits up his bum?

Warren! *click*
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 6:42 AM on May 13

Jinx!

click
posted by DU at 6:47 AM on May 13

This thread made my morning. Thank you.
posted by lilac girl at 6:49 AM on May 13

No! You fucked up the Snoop joke.

Q. Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella?

A. Fo tha drizzle!

No, no, it's: "Fo' drizzle, my nizzle."
posted by hjo3 at 6:53 AM on May 13 [2 favorites]

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but clingfilm all over his body.
The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts".
posted by sleep_walker at 6:54 AM on May 13 [3 favorites]

What's blue and doesn't fit anymore?

A dead epileptic.
posted by Sparx at 6:56 AM on May 13 [1 favorite]

Hey I only clicked on BaDaDum once. How come every link in the post is now highlighted?.... oh. (slinks off to the FAQs with all the other noobs)
posted by nax at 6:56 AM on May 13

A byte walks into a bar and orders a pint.
Bartender asks him "What's wrong?"
Byte says "Parity error."
Bartender nods and says "Yeah, I thought you looked a bit off."
posted by The Bellman at 7:05 AM on May 13 [7 favorites]

How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?

Fifty. One to change it and forty-nine to sit back and sneer, "Hell, I could do that." *click*
posted by FelliniBlank at 7:07 AM on May 13

How did Helen Keller burn her ear?

Answering the iron.

*******************************************************

How do you fit four gay guys on a bar stool?

Flip it upside down.

*******************************************************

What's the difference between a Cadillac and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a Cadillac in my garage.
posted by sixswitch at 7:15 AM on May 13 [1 favorite]

In honor of today's West Virginia primary, I offer you a West Virginia joke:

What does a girl from West Virginia say after sex?





[Wait for it]





"Get off me daddy, you're crushing my cigarettes."

*click*
posted by Mister_A at 7:18 AM on May 13 [1 favorite]

Two fonts walk into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry lads, we don't serve your type".
posted by Kabanos at 7:28 AM on May 13 [2 favorites]

Jamaica?
posted by flashboy at 7:38 AM on May 13 [1 favorite]

Mushroom walks into a bar. Bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here."

Mushroom says: "Why not? I'm a fungi."
posted by porn in the woods at 7:41 AM on May 13

Piece of string goes into a bar. Bartender goes, "Sorry, we don't serve string here." String goes out into the street. Waves down a passerby. Says, "Hey buddy, can you tie me into a half-hitch?...Thanks. And can you just unravel my ends a little?" Turns around, goes back into the bar. Bartender goes, "What'll you...HEY aren't you that piece of string who was in here before?" String goes, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
posted by PlusDistance at 7:43 AM on May 13 [4 favorites]

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says: "make me one with everything".

When he asked for his change, the hot dog guy said, "Change comes from within."

One penguin said to the other, "It looks like you're wearing a tuxedo." The other penguin said, "Well... maybe I am."

Why did Helen Keller masturbate one-handed? So she could moan with the other.

What's the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of dead babies? You can't unload a truckload of bowling balls with a pitchfork.

A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve string here." The string walks out, ties himself into a clove hitch, rubs himself against the sidewalk a few times, then goes back into the bar. Bartender says, "Aren't you the piece of string that was just in here?" The string says, "No, I'm afraid not."

Thankew, thankew, try the waitress and don't forget to tip the veal.
posted by Halloween Jack at 7:44 AM on May 13

jinx!
posted by Halloween Jack at 7:45 AM on May 13

What's green and fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
.
.
.
.
A pool table.
posted by Lord Kinbote at 7:51 AM on May 13 [3 favorites]

How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?

Three: one to make the cookies and the other two to peel all the M&Ms.
posted by vorfeed at 7:57 AM on May 13 [1 favorite]

Hypersloth - the cab driver should have, " ..it's not often I hear somebody use a modal auxiliary with an infinitive and a past participle."

Otherwise, I don't get it.
posted by Jofus at 8:00 AM on May 13 [1 favorite]

Someone could make a single page that has SadTrombone.com and InstantRimShot in IFRAMEs, so that they're both on one page ...

This really needs to be a popup window or sidebar app I can have always at my ready when I need it.

TABBED BROWSING, GUYS. EMBRACE IT.

*womp womp womp womp*
*ta dum tish*
posted by quonsar at 8:08 AM on May 13 [1 favorite]

no arms and no legs on a door step - matt
no arms and no legs and hung on a wall - art
no arms and no legs in a pool - bob
no arms and no legs and thrown out of a moving car - skip
No arms and no legs and stuffed in a mailbox - bill
girl with one leg - Eileen
Chinese Girl with one leg - Irene
posted by empath at 8:08 AM on May 13

A man goes to the psychiatrist and says, "Doctor I'm a wigwam I'm a tepee" Doctor says "Relax your to tense"
posted by pianomover at 8:14 AM on May 13 [1 favorite]

How did Helen Keller burn her ear?

she answered the iron.

How did she burn the other ear?

they called back.
posted by quonsar at 8:20 AM on May 13 [1 favorite]

How do you blind an Asian guy?







Put a windshield in front of him. *Crick*.
posted by tristeza at 8:23 AM on May 13 [3 favorites]

no arms and no legs rolling around in a pile of leaves - Russel
no arms and no legs at a nudist colony - Seymour
posted by Balisong at 8:26 AM on May 13

two strings walk into a bar.
the first one says "i'll have a shot and a beer~3-sIcayetbk)v%k^fe;'plkjbjo+_fh%^&"
the other says "you'll have to pardon my friend, he's not null terminated."
posted by quonsar at 8:27 AM on May 13 [7 favorites]

How many punks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two - one to do it, one to kick the chair out from under him.

How many WASPS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three - one to call the electrician, one to mix the martinis and one to talk about how much better the old lightbulb was.

How do you know you've had a hippie staying with you?
He's still there.

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless!
posted by mygothlaundry at 8:34 AM on May 13 [1 favorite]

A wino is watching a young lady load the checkout belt in a supermarket. He notices the little pack of four apples, the three cans of cat food, the numerous pre-prepared TV dinners and finally a romantic novel. He approaches her saying "I-I-I'll jush bet that you're single".
"Well, as a matter of fact I am", she replies, "How did you know?"
"Because you're fucking ugly."
posted by doctorschlock at 8:38 AM on May 13 [3 favorites]

How man Mefites does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but that have to be this > < big.

What's the difference between a bass player and a large pizza?
A large pizza can feed a family of four.
posted by eriko at 8:38 AM on May 13

Wait, we only really need to tell the punch lines!

Because I'm Fucking Freezing!

No, no, it's just Ice Cream!
posted by eriko at 8:39 AM on May 13

Why is getting up at 5 in the morning like a pig's tail?





Because it's twirly.
posted by doctorschlock at 8:39 AM on May 13 [4 favorites]

how do you get an electric guitarist to turn it down?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
give him some sheet music
posted by doctorschlock at 8:40 AM on May 13

How does a gay boy change a lightbulb?






He holds it up, and the whole world revolves around him.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 8:45 AM on May 13 [6 favorites]

What did Helen Keller say as she put down the cheese grater?


"Thats the most violent book I've ever read"
posted by Rumple at 8:46 AM on May 13 [1 favorite]

Did you hear about the Indian who drank too much tea?
Died in his own tepee.

How about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw?

Two old vets were sitting in a VFW hall arguing, Tony was blind, Frank had no legs.
Frank: "If you don't shut up I'll kick your sorry ass"
Tony: "I'd love to see you try".
posted by dawson at 8:51 AM on May 13

Geometry: without it life is pointless.
posted by sleep_walker at 8:58 AM on May 13

just plane pointless.
posted by quonsar at 8:59 AM on May 13 [2 favorites]

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs at the bottom of a hole?
Doug.

What do you call him 3 years later?

Pete.
posted by Pollomacho at 9:00 AM on May 13

The next day the same woman walks into the same bar and asks for a single entendre.
Bartender says, "Which is it today, a drink or a fuck?"
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 9:02 AM on May 13 [1 favorite]

What's stiff, 12 inches long and makes women scream in the morning?







Crib death.
posted by [NOT HERMITOSIS-IST] at 9:05 AM on May 13 [2 favorites]

What do you call a guy who's always hanging around musicians?







The drummer!
posted by Mister_A at 9:09 AM on May 13 [1 favorite]

How many dead babies does it take to make every stomachache fill you with dread?
posted by saladin at 9:09 AM on May 13 [1 favorite]

David Hasselhoff walks into a bar, says to the bartender "From now on, I want you to just call me "Hoff", OK?"

The barman nods slowly.

"Sure thing, Dave. No hassle."
posted by The Ultimate Olympian at 9:11 AM on May 13 [1 favorite]

My uncle was jailed for his beliefs.

He believed it was OK to wank on the bus.
posted by The Ultimate Olympian at 9:14 AM on May 13 [2 favorites]

Q: Why wouldn't Hellen Keller's dog come when called?
A: Because it didn't like to be called hrrUUergnf!

Q: What do you get when you throw dead babies into a woodchipper?
A: An erection!
posted by The Power Nap at 9:15 AM on May 13 [1 favorite]

http://www.metafilter.com/user/12684

Why do you ask two dogs fucking?
posted by pianomover at 9:17 AM on May 13

Ok, we also need the *crickets* noise.
posted by odinsdream at 9:20 AM on May 13 [4 favorites]

"A naked blond walks into a bar, with a poodle under one arm, and a two foot salami under the other. She lays the poodle on the table. Bartender says, "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." The naked lady says..."


Oh shit?

I never got that.
posted by quin at 9:22 AM on May 13 [1 favorite]

Did you know Helen Keller had a doll house?

Neither did she.
posted by sciurus at 9:27 AM on May 13 [2 favorites]

Crickets
posted by sciurus at 9:28 AM on May 13 [1 favorite]

Q: What's long, hard, and full of seamen?

A: A submarine!
posted by absalom at 9:32 AM on May 13

How many skinheads does it take to change a lightbulb?

100. 1 to change it and 99 to back him up


How many punks does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, punks can't change anything.

*click*
posted by Uther Bentrazor at 9:44 AM on May 13

How many punks does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Everybody knows that punk can't change anything.
posted by khaibit at 9:48 AM on May 13

damn my lack of preview
posted by khaibit at 9:49 AM on May 13

A few from Tommy Cooper:

'So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ' Is that the local swimming baths?' He said ' It depends where you're calling from.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

So I went to the dentist.
He said, 'Say Aaah. 'I said, 'Why?' He said, 'My dog's died.'

'So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
posted by MuffinMan at 9:49 AM on May 13 [2 favorites]

Comic Sans walks into a bar, the bartender says, "Get out, I don't like your face!"

*click*

Thankyouverymuch!
posted by 1f2frfbf at 9:56 AM on May 13 [1 favorite]

Why don't sharks eat clowns? They taste funny.

And then there's the old proverb: He who farts in church, sits in his own pew.



Trust me, I'm not making this stuff up.
posted by Doohickie at 10:01 AM on May 13

Q: What did the blonde say when she saw a box of Cheerios?
A: Oh look! Donut seeds!
posted by bjork24 at 10:06 AM on May 13

Q: Why did the Amish woman divorce her husband?
A: He was driving her buggy.
posted by Arch_Stanton at 10:09 AM on May 13

What do you call an Irish man with no arms and no legs bouncing off trees?

Rick O'Shay
posted by WinnipegDragon at 10:10 AM on May 13 [1 favorite]

What do mushrooms eat for breakfast?

Peaties, the breakfast of champingnons!
posted by beegull at 10:18 AM on May 13

Mr. Mouse, is it true that you called your wife Minnie crazy?

No, your Honor. I never said she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy.
posted by eriko at 10:22 AM on May 13 [2 favorites]

What do you call an Irish man with no arms nor legs sitting out in the rain?

Paddy O'Furniture.
posted by Halloween Jack at 10:24 AM on May 13 [2 favorites]

did you know that jesus christ was irish? - he lived at home with his parents until he was 30, wandered around the country with no means of visible support and had 12 drinking buddies
posted by pyramid termite at 10:38 AM on May 13

Watch out, Itchy! He's Irish!
posted by DU at 10:41 AM on May 13

More like two snare hits and a crash rather than a rimshot. Therefore, this post is misleading and should be removed.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 10:58 AM on May 13

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

That's by the late comedian (and rowing coach) Michael "Boats" Johnson, R.I.P.
posted by msalt at 11:01 AM on May 13

Q: What you you get when you cross an elephant with a grape?

A: Elephant-grape-sin(theta)!

*****

Two guys were at a University of Georgia game, watchin' Uga, the bulldog mascot, lick himself in the way that dogs do. First guy says, "Boy, I wish I could do that," and the second guy says, "That dog would bite youuuuuu!"
posted by shiu mai baby at 11:22 AM on May 13 [1 favorite]

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, eating a snack cake while her dad gets his hair cut.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get tits too."
posted by doctorschlock at 11:28 AM on May 13 [11 favorites]

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says: "make me one with everything".

So the guy at the stand says "that'll be two fifty." The Buddhist gives him a five and gets his hot dog. He walks off, then comes back a little while later and says "I forgot to get my change." So the man at the stand says "Ah, but change must come from within."
posted by Citizen Premier at 11:29 AM on May 13 [1 favorite]

Mermaid Dilemma
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 11:40 AM on May 13

Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Giraffe.
posted by workerant at 11:41 AM on May 13

Q. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?











A. A stick.
posted by M.C. Lo-Carb! at 11:49 AM on May 13

One for the English:

Knock knock.
Whose there?
Biggish.
Biggish who?
No thanks.
posted by Samuel Farrow at 12:03 PM on May 13 [3 favorites]

The string says, "No, I'm afraid not."

-

That's the way it works when you say it. When you write it, it's "No, I'm a frayed knot."
posted by Mike D at 12:06 PM on May 13

Never mind... someone got there ahead of me.
posted by Mike D at 12:08 PM on May 13

A dyslexic!

A dyslexic who?

Knock knock.
posted by rusty at 12:13 PM on May 13

What's the difference between a musician and a large pizza? A large pizza can feed a family of four.

What does a stripper do with her asshole before going to work? Drops him off at band practice.

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? Halfway!
posted by pernoctalian at 12:20 PM on May 13

So a skeleton walks into a bar. Says, "gimme a beer... and a mop."
posted by nicepersonality at 12:34 PM on May 13

A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, I'm lonely. I can't make any friends. Ya gotta help me YOU BIG FAT SLOB!"
posted by hal9k at 12:42 PM on May 13

Pete and RePete went on a boat ride. Pete fell out. Who was left?
posted by Halloween Jack at 12:49 PM on May 13

Q. How many Emo kids does it take to change a light bulb?



A. None - they prefer to sit in the dark and cry, alone.

******

Q. How many Ska kids does it take to change a light bulb?



A. Three. One to drop it and two to pick-it-up, pick-it-up.
posted by hypersloth at 12:53 PM on May 13 [1 favorite]

What do you call a cow with no legs?



Ground Beef.

**********

What do you call a cow with two legs?



Lean beef.

**********

Why was Six afraid of Seven?



Because Seven Eight Nine!

Hi, I work in a summer camp.
posted by rmless at 1:02 PM on May 13

What do you call a masturbating bull?

Beef strokin' off.

That'll kill at the summer camp.
posted by Pollomacho at 1:06 PM on May 13

Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don't. You get down from a duck.

Q: How do you get four elephants into a Mini?
A: Two in the front and two in the back.

Q: How do you get an elephant into a fridge?
A: Open the door.

Q: How can you tell if you have two elephants in your fridge?
A: The door won't close.

Q: How can you tell if you have three elephants in your fridge?
A: There's an elephant sitting all alone in the Mini parked outside.

*click*
posted by Fezboy! at 1:11 PM on May 13

How many pschiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but the lightbulb has to want to change.
posted by sleep_walker at 1:25 PM on May 13

What do you call a leper in a hot tub?
Stu

What does the Oklahoma girl say after sex?
"So, are all you guys on the football team?"

Q: What you you get when you cross an elephant with a grape?
A: Elephant-grape-sin(theta)!
What do you get when you cross and elephant with a mountain climber?
You can't cross a scaler!
posted by joaquim at 1:26 PM on May 13

What did the leper say to the hooker?

Keep the tip.
posted by Pollomacho at 1:28 PM on May 13 [1 favorite]

(From some comedian I can't remember)

A guy and a girl are in an elevator, the girl looks over at the guy and says:

"Can I smell your balls?"

The guy, somewhat shocked looks over peevishly and says No. The girl replies:

"Oh, then it must be your feet"

*click*
posted by The Power Nap at 1:33 PM on May 13

1944. Fritz & Klaus, two highly trained German spies who have been undercover in Britain for most of the war, walk into a bar in London. Klaus orders two martinis. “Dry?”, asks the bartender.
“Nein, ZWEI!”
posted by Siberian Mist at 2:01 PM on May 13

Q: What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

A: The Holocaust.

I remember a link from awhile ago that was nothing but these shocking, not-funny (or ironically funny, or whatever) jokes. Anyone remember where to find that?
posted by arcticwoman at 2:09 PM on May 13

Why do hipsters suck at karate?

They can't get past the white belt.
posted by shakespeherian at 2:09 PM on May 13 [1 favorite]

Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Bathtub full of plastic spoons.
posted by arcticwoman at 2:10 PM on May 13

THERE WERE ZWEI PEANUTS, VALKING DOWN THE STRASSE.

UND VUN OF THEM VAS ASSAULTED! PEANUT.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 2:13 PM on May 13 [1 favorite]

How many punks does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Everybody knows that punk can't change anything.

I had always heard this joke with "feminists" instead of "punks." Two for the price of one!

Here's one from my mother-in-law:
Q: How do all racist jokes start?
A: *look left and right over shoulders*
posted by arcticwoman at 2:14 PM on May 13 [2 favorites]

What should you do if an English major rings your doorbell?


Tip him for the pizza.
posted by kyleg at 2:17 PM on May 13

A [hysterical minority] was fucking his sister. She says to him, 'You fuck just like Dad.' 'I know,' he says, 'Mom told me.'
posted by shakespeherian at 2:30 PM on May 13 [1 favorite]

How many Grateful Dead fans does it take to change a lightbulb?











None. They let it burn out, and then follow it around the country.
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 2:48 PM on May 13 [6 favorites]

Two sausages are sizzling in a pan. First sausage turns to the other and says "Christ, it's getting pretty hot in here." Second sausage turns to the first and says "Fuck me, a talking sausage!"
posted by turgid dahlia at 3:21 PM on May 13 [1 favorite]

What did the necktie say to the hat?










A. YOu go on ahead, I think I'll hang around for awhile.
posted by Holy foxy moxie batman! at 3:28 PM on May 13

What kind of cheese does not belong to you?

Nacho cheese.

*click*
posted by hotmud at 3:47 PM on May 13

What do you call a hundred Republicans at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.
posted by flapjax at midnite at 4:09 PM on May 13

When is an old white man like a bird?

After Dick Cheney's 4th beer.
posted by maryh at 4:33 PM on May 13 [3 favorites]

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?

About six, if you cut them into one-inch squares.

*click*
posted by tzikeh at 4:55 PM on May 13

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Interrupting cow.

Interrupting cow wh--?

MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

*disgusted look*
posted by elfgirl at 5:02 PM on May 13 [1 favorite]

What's brown and sounds like a bell?




DUNG!
posted by jenkinsEar at 5:11 PM on May 13

Hey, can we get a ba-dum dum (*click*) on elfgirl's *disgusted look*?

People, don't forget your ba-dum dums!
posted by flapjax at midnite at 5:12 PM on May 13

Sad Trombone
posted by vronsky at 6:04 PM on May 13

one to make the cookies and the other two to peel all the M&Ms.
Why was the blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing out all the W's.

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into his lens grinder?
He made a spectacle of himself.

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.

Did you hear about the guy who fell into the apholstery machine?
It's ok, he's fully recovered.

How about the midget fortune teller who escaped from prison?
Small medium at large.

... the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
He stayed awake nights wondering if there was a dog.

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
"Where's my tractor?"

The cross-eyed judge and the three cross-eyed criminals:
the judge asks the first: "how do you plead?"
the second says: "not guilty"
the judge says: "I wasn't talking to you"
the third says: "I didn't say anything!"
posted by and for no one at 6:04 PM on May 13

A naked man walks into a bar with a duck sitting on his head. The bartender says, "Rough day, John?" The duck says, "You have no idea." *click*

How many rock climbers does it take to change a light bulb? 402. 400 to drag the boulder into the room, 1 to climb it to change the bulb, and 1 to spot him. *click*
posted by A dead Quaker at 6:46 PM on May 13

Aiieeesh. Intentionally bad jokes? Alright.

Guy walks into a bar, goes to order a beer, but the bartender is busy. While he's standing there, he hears a tiny voice say "Hey, nice pants."

Guy looks around. Nobody there. Bartender still talking to someone else. So he shrugs it off. Voice speaks up again. "Nice hat."

Guy suspects a practical joke. looks under bar stool. Looks around. Nothing. Voice says: "That's a nice tie, too."

"OK!" says the guy, finally getting the bartender's attention. "WHAT is the deal with the voice and the comments?!"

The bartender looks confused for a moment, and then nods and motions toward the bar. "It's the peanuts. They're complimentary."

*click*
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 7:13 PM on May 13

A: The Holocaust.

Oh, it's like that, is it?

Q: What's the difference between Jesus Christ and a painting of Jesus Christ?

A: It only takes one nail to hang a painting.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 7:17 PM on May 13 [1 favorite]

"I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away." -jh
posted by vronsky at 7:37 PM on May 13 [1 favorite]

How do you know you've had a hippie staying with you?
He's still there.^

***********

How do you get him to leave?
Give him gas money!

[True Story!]
posted by BinGregory at 8:01 PM on May 13 [2 favorites]

I remember a link from awhile ago that was nothing but these shocking, not-funny (or ironically funny, or whatever) jokes. Anyone remember where to find that?

Arctic, I'm fairly certain it was SomethingAwful. Either that or B3TA.
posted by turgid dahlia at 8:27 PM on May 13

arcticwoman and turgid dahila:
Something Awful's Jokes with Realistic Endings. I liked it so much when I first saw it I actually printed it out.
posted by Mach5 at 8:44 PM on May 13