Boys zone

September 15, 2008 4:20 PM

"60% of men trim their pubes. What, really?"
posted by Artw (192 comments total)

I love Charlie Brooker.

I also trimmed my pubes the other day. Quite severely. I felt bad for displacing the sparrows but what're you gonna do, right?
posted by turgid dahlia at 4:23 PM on September 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

How could anyone possibly determine that?
posted by Class Goat at 4:24 PM on September 15, 2008

Apparently, yes.
posted by dersins at 4:25 PM on September 15, 2008

I heard about that clip...
posted by 7segment at 4:26 PM on September 15, 2008

Very funny article, but actually I think 60% is a low estimate for the under-40 demographic.
posted by availablelight at 4:26 PM on September 15, 2008

a self-consciously "liberated" presenter called Anna ran screeching around the place like a one-woman hen night

Nice to know that the author knows all about liberated women hens.
posted by degoao at 4:27 PM on September 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

Not that I've always been wise to things that 60% of the population cares about, but I, too, call bullshit. Now how do you wrap a scarf like that?
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 4:29 PM on September 15, 2008

I doubt even 60% of men are having sex on a regular basis, so I shudder to think what these guys are trimming for.
posted by DU at 4:30 PM on September 15, 2008

degoao - Have you not encountered women out on a hen night? Horrors beyond words.
posted by Artw at 4:32 PM on September 15, 2008

Back in the day, we were proud of our mammalian heritage!
posted by fairmettle at 4:33 PM on September 15, 2008 [2 favorites]

Another secret of the universe revealed!
posted by Alexandra Kitty at 4:33 PM on September 15, 2008

Oh, and before I forget, what is Barack Obama's and John McCain's position on this? The more facts the public gets, the better!
posted by Alexandra Kitty at 4:36 PM on September 15, 2008 [5 favorites]

Let's just skip to the end, shall we?

Fortunately, it seems no pubic-hair memo has been issued at all: on closer inspection, the "survey" that threw up the 60%-trim rating had only asked 50 men, with no indication of how representative these 50 men were. They could've been male strippers. Or indie Camden eyeliner types whose black jeans are so tight, they have to shave their minges off just to do up their flies. I wouldn't put anything past those twats. They probably don't have human-size testicles anyway. But that's an argument for another week, because we're out of space and time. Goodbye.

That's nice. Spend nine tenths of the article worrying about how out of touch you are, only to later claim that all the people you've just admitted to envying are subhuman.

FWIW, yes, we're doing that now. They're called electric clippers, and they're available everywhere. Although if anyone's willing to get close enough to the author's genitals to give it a go, his ridiculous manicure-scissors idea might be worth it. Be sure to cut close. And deep. And, well, sort of off, if it's not too much trouble. Some people don't deserve testicles of any size.
posted by Sys Rq at 4:37 PM on September 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

It's but one of many hallmarks of a considerate gentleman.
posted by boo_radley at 4:40 PM on September 15, 2008 [7 favorites]

Girls want guys to manscape... a bit
posted by goo at 4:40 PM on September 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

By "men", I assume they mean "young men who watch online pr0n while delivering SMS messages to their friends stating HAI G3S WR I M? NONO D00D G3S". I mean, what else would all the buzz be about?
posted by Smart Dalek at 4:41 PM on September 15, 2008

to those men out there who might scoff at the idea of manicured (har) parkland over jungle wilderness, its been reliably observed that little or no bush will make yr penis seem bigger (than it seemed before)

and yes, its all about the hair clippers.
posted by supermedusa at 4:46 PM on September 15, 2008

Nice to know that the author knows all about liberated women hens.

Nice to know that some people aren't familiar with the British slang term "hen night," which means either a bachelorette party or an all-female, "girls night out" party, and does not have the negative connotation you think it does.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 4:46 PM on September 15, 2008 [2 favorites]

only to later claim that all the people you've just admitted to envying are subhuman.

"all the people'? He's referring, in his diatribe, to people that live in a very small area of London that dress in a very specific way. They are not at all the people that he aspires to, that was his point.

Do you live in Camden? Do you wear eyeliner and skin tight black jeans? If not, he's not referring to you. Nor 99.999% of the rest of the men in the world.
posted by Brockles at 4:47 PM on September 15, 2008

Sys Rq...you're being sarcastic, right?

Or is this a matter of HI I'M ON METAFILTER AND I COULD OVERTHINK A CLUMP OF WIRY PUBIC HAIR CLOGGING UP THE SINK, WHICH I THEN HAVE TO FISH OUT AND HOLD BETWEEN MY THUMB AND FOREFINGER LIKE A DEAD RAT, AND CARRY GINGERLY TO THE KITCHEN BIN AND HOPE PEOPLE DON'T NOTICE ME, OR MAYBE I COULD JUST TRY FORCING IT DOWN THE PLUGHOLE WITH THE HILT OF A TOOTHBRUSH?
posted by turgid dahlia at 4:49 PM on September 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

In other news, 40% of men have partners who are reluctant to ever go down on them.
posted by UbuRoivas at 4:51 PM on September 15, 2008 [13 favorites]

Do you live in Camden? Do you wear eyeliner and skin tight black jeans? If not, he's not referring to you. Nor 99.999% of the rest of the men in the world.

Oh, I'm sorry, that totally makes it okay.

Look, my position, if you must know, is this: This is a shitty FPP. Not because the writer is a total d-bag, but because it's a single-link op-ed with no substance whatsoever.

And, you know, some people don't like a mouthful of pubes. Be considerate.
posted by Sys Rq at 4:52 PM on September 15, 2008 [2 favorites]

Camden tight-jeans eyeliner types are probably all mac users as well.
posted by Artw at 4:52 PM on September 15, 2008 [2 favorites]

its been reliably observed that little or no bush will make yr penis seem bigger

Those that have, don't. Those that don't, clip?
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 4:53 PM on September 15, 2008 [2 favorites]

Less hair means less bacteria means more clean.

That, and it only honestly takes 5 minutes with a beard trimmer, once a month if that.
posted by tybeet at 4:54 PM on September 15, 2008

If the majority of other men genuinely spend hours hoisting their scrotum over the bathroom sink with one hand, nail scissors in the other

YER DOIN IT WRONG
posted by desjardins at 4:54 PM on September 15, 2008

Beard trimmer with foil shaver attachment FTW. Anybody skeptical of these statistics and living anywhere south of Siberia just suffered needlessly through August.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 4:57 PM on September 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

Man, why you even got to do a thing?
posted by longsleeves at 5:00 PM on September 15, 2008 [3 favorites]

anywhere south of Siberia

Ah. That explains it.

Anyway, I shaved my armpits way back when and the itching damn near killed me. I do not do not do not want to reproduce that effect down below, tyvm.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 5:00 PM on September 15, 2008

Only 1.7% of men use their pubes as dental floss.
posted by clearly at 5:00 PM on September 15, 2008

Hair collects sebum, an oil which becomes rancid and is a feast for fun bacteria like staph. Trimming it down is just good hygiene, unless your bronze-age religion tells you that you must maintain a rotten-smelling crotch at all times I don't see why you'd not do some clear-cutting of the forest.
posted by mullingitover at 5:02 PM on September 15, 2008 [2 favorites]

I consider it my ritual sacrifice to eternal optimism.
posted by lekvar at 5:03 PM on September 15, 2008 [17 favorites]

Only 1.7% of men use their pubes as dental floss.

And only 0.002% of men smoke them when they are out of tobacco.
posted by turgid dahlia at 5:03 PM on September 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

Hair collects sebum, an oil which becomes rancid and is a feast for fun bacteria like staph. Trimming it down is just good hygiene, unless your bronze-age religion tells you that you must maintain a rotten-smelling crotch...

As a replacement for daily bathing? No thanks. Or was that a pubic strawman, so to speak?
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 5:05 PM on September 15, 2008 [3 favorites]

Oh, and before I forget, what is Barack Obama's and John McCain's position on this?

OBAMA: Some of you might have seen my yearbook photo. I chose to wear my hair at a length that was comfortable for me. And I think every American has the right to trim whatever hairs they please. McCain would have you believe this is a red state versus blue state issue, but we know that's just not true. Many Americans, from the dockwocker with a family of five, to the grad student working on her thesis, have trimmed their pubes. And who can blame them? Especially after 8 years of Bush.

MCCAIN: You media vultures get off my back! This is an outrage! I won't stand for these personal attacks on my character! throws chair across the room Out! Out! All of you! This press conference is over!
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 5:07 PM on September 15, 2008 [29 favorites]

1) Trimming your pubes mean that you have no confidence in the size of your dick. This makes you either: a) tiny or b) insecure.

2) If you sweat for a living, as in working a real job where actual sweaty work occurs, you will find that the evaporative benefits of a full pubic bush outweigh the cosmetic benefits of shaving it. (This is also why beards are useful accoutrements in warm weather.)

3) Profit!
posted by BitterOldPunk at 5:11 PM on September 15, 2008 [3 favorites]

And, you know, some people don't like a mouthful of pubes.

You're doing it wrong.
posted by Space Coyote at 5:11 PM on September 15, 2008 [2 favorites]

This guy sounds like a Brit Andy Rooney.
posted by klangklangston at 5:15 PM on September 15, 2008

I clearcut the whole situation with a zippo and a can of Aquanet and then I very carefully fix, with copious spirit gum, a perfect circle of orange shag carpet that I cut out of the wall to wall setup in Guy Lombardo's house, right after he died in '77, he did, after all, create "The Sweetest Music This Side of Heaven". Also, fuck off.
posted by Divine_Wino at 5:17 PM on September 15, 2008 [22 favorites]

Rotten crotch? Not if you bathe. To my knowledge, I have never been with a man who did anything to his pubic hairs. It doesn't bother me in the slightest. I would bunch it in the overzealous hygiene category alongside women shaving their forearms and men shaving their chests.
posted by mai at 5:17 PM on September 15, 2008

What sort of sweaty real job, other than prostitute, stripper, or nudist resort labourer, allows one to have one's pubes to the wind and enjoy their 'evaporative benefits'?
posted by CKmtl at 5:20 PM on September 15, 2008

Straw poll, anyone?
posted by kuujjuarapik at 5:23 PM on September 15, 2008

It's like a 70s afro down stairs.
posted by nola at 5:25 PM on September 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

1) I have a great cock. I trim (but I don't hack things to stubble). This makes me a) cocky (!) and b) the admiration of many size-queens. But more importantly... to each his own.

2) If the difference for you between staying cool and not trimming your pubes is being worried about 'evaporative benefits', try going commando for once. In the winter, try wearing long-johns. More importantly... to each his own.

3) Huh? But more importantly... to each his own.
posted by matty at 5:25 PM on September 15, 2008

Previously on AskMe:

Should I beware of Nair?

Male pubic hair grooming.

What to do with too much body hair?

Pros/Cons to trimming the Hair-Down-There™? (Male).

Philips/Norelco Bodygroom

.
posted by ericb at 5:31 PM on September 15, 2008

I have a great cock. I trim (but I don't hack things to stubble). This makes me a) cocky (!) and b) the admiration of many size-queens.

And here marks the second occasion in my life when I've used "TMI" on the internet.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 5:31 PM on September 15, 2008 [6 favorites]

If you sweat for a living, as in working a real job where actual sweaty work occurs, you will find that the evaporative benefits of a full pubic bush outweigh the cosmetic benefits of shaving it.

I'd disagree and suggest the exact opposite. Volume of pubes will hold heat in like any wool sweater would. Summers have been much more enjoyable since trimming.

1) Trimming your pubes mean that you have no confidence in the size of your dick. This makes you either: a) tiny or b) insecure.

Pffft. See my answer to one. Not everything relating to your groin must imply a direct issue with size, and to even bring some statement about cock size into this is ridiculously childish and unnecessary. And a bit pathetic, frankly.

Besides, unless I trim, my utterly enormous cock simply won't leave enough room in my jeans to allow me to button them up so unless I lop the other 6 inches or so off, the forest must go.
posted by Brockles at 5:32 PM on September 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

Well, yes. Now that you ask.

Fortnightly, I prepare for myself a bowl of water slightly south of scalding, and give my seax a few slaps against the whetstone. While I wait for the water to steam, I apply a hot compress to soften the hair and loosen any particulates that may have accumulated in the interim. I raise a lather the consistency of meringue using a brush made from the bristles of a wild pig I stalked at the cusp of manhood. The soap is a bergamot scented cake sent me annually by a wayward cousin gone Calabrian tallow chandler. When all is in order, I apply a thick layer of the peaking lather, pull the sack taught and run the blade briskly among the corn. I've yet to nick, and the habit has saved me even the intimation of soot wart. I cannot recommend the practice highly enough.
posted by felix betachat at 5:34 PM on September 15, 2008 [15 favorites]

This guy sounds like a Brit Andy Rooney.

(nasal voice) I don't trust soups, on the whole, or pubes!
posted by vorfeed at 5:34 PM on September 15, 2008 [2 favorites]

Christ, I've not even shaved my face in three days...
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 5:35 PM on September 15, 2008

1) Trimming your pubes mean that you have no confidence in the size of your dick. This makes you either: a) tiny or b) insecure.

Or, y'know, it looks a bit tidier. I mean, we trim the hair on our heads, don't we?
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 5:35 PM on September 15, 2008

I mean the heads on the top of necks. Let's not go there, mmkay?
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 5:36 PM on September 15, 2008 [2 favorites]

Shaving your nads is one of the pleasures of life, and makes sex something else entirely.

Do it.
posted by plexi at 5:37 PM on September 15, 2008

Back in the day, we were proud of our mammalian heritage!

... and then we killed off all of our smartest competitors, dropped down from the trees, learned how to swim and run long distances very fast, developed written language and tools, built cities, and then lacking any other remotely competitive species, we started killing each other in all sorts of amusing fashions.

Hair is excrement. We lost most of the need for it when we learned how to make clothing. Just because most of society fetishizes excrement doesn't mean it's not excrement. I like to think about women with fancy haircuts styling their poo.

I shave the area right at my tailbone because I've had two pilonidal cyst operations and I'd shave my entire ass if I thought it would prevent a third.

I shave my pubes. And my face. Those are the two best spots for kissing and rubbing.

1. Trimming your pubes mean that you have no confidence in the size of your dick.

I'm married. Trust me, my wife is well aware of the size of my dick by now. And there are much worse problems than a small dick (excepting extreme situations)

2. If you sweat for a living, as in working a real job where actual sweaty work occurs...

I've had those jobs. I much prefer hanging out in the shade, listening to music and writing comments to metafilter. It's a better deal. Plus, you get to shave your pubes!!

3. Profit!

Beard trimming companies likely are. I also use mine to cut my hair, and they work better than any clippers I've ever had.

(You're honestly not going to tell the guy with treesprouts coming out of his nose or ears to take a quick scissors or clippers to the things? C'mon.)
posted by mrgrimm at 5:39 PM on September 15, 2008

I mean, we trim the hair on our heads, don't we?

Apparently, this means that you have no confidence in the size of your skull. Who knew?

Also, I think this is a fairly lame column by someone who thinks he's funny, but is not. There is nothing more 2003 than a discussion of other people's genital grooming. Do what you want, everyone, just for Christ's sake don't tell me about it.
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:40 PM on September 15, 2008 [2 favorites]

I clearcut the whole situation with a zippo and a can of Aquanet and then I very carefully fix, with copious spirit gum, a perfect circle of orange shag carpet that I cut out of the wall to wall setup in Guy Lombardo's house, right after he died in '77, he did, after all, create "The Sweetest Music This Side of Heaven".

The other 40%.
posted by netbros at 5:40 PM on September 15, 2008

60% of men trim their pubes

because less than 60% of women like hair in their mouth.
posted by krautland at 5:41 PM on September 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

OK, I'm still stuck, mentally, at 13, because I thought the article was hilarious. Plus I'm one of those guys who, if I started trimming body hair, where I started would have grown back by the time I'm finished with the rest.

This is such a weird side-effect of porn going mainstream.
posted by maxwelton at 5:43 PM on September 15, 2008 [3 favorites]

Shaving / trimming on a man is not mostly about size in the same way that shaving / trimming on a woman is not mostly about pedophilia. I'm sure there are exceptions on ether side of the Bell Curve.

The hair on our bodies is mostly decorative at this point in the evolutionary process...with the probably exception of eyes, ears, nose. The rest of it? Totally ornamental.

So, we should be able to do with it what we wish.

If your hands were covered in a bushy, hairy growth, would you think people that trimmed it were trying to make their fingers look bigger? Are people who trim / shave their backsides trying to make their rectum look bigger?
posted by Exchequer at 5:44 PM on September 15, 2008

My response to this is the same as my response to vaginal topiary: if enough people are seeing your genitalia that you feel the need to adopt a grooming regimen, then maybe a night at home with a good book is in order.

(and aesthetics aside, no way am I letting anything as sharp as a razor near the family jewels. Just not happening. Plus, never in my life has any woman said of me 'he's cute, but if he did a little shaping on the nut-fro, he'd be dreamy..' So later for the sack-hair sculpting, thanks)
posted by jonmc at 5:44 PM on September 15, 2008 [2 favorites]

Of course, you could get all hip-hop and shave messages into it like 'If you can read this, introduce yourself!'
posted by jonmc at 5:45 PM on September 15, 2008 [8 favorites]

"I have a great cock. I trim (but I don't hack things to stubble). This makes me a) cocky (!) and b) the admiration of many size-queens."

Pix or didn't happen.
posted by klangklangston at 5:48 PM on September 15, 2008 [2 favorites]

Or not. Really.
posted by jonmc at 5:49 PM on September 15, 2008

For my own grooming, I simply use my indomitable will to force my pubes to stop growing at whatever length I decide. Hark, pubes, thus speaks thine master, and he commands you to YIELD!
posted by klangklangston at 5:50 PM on September 15, 2008 [2 favorites]

Are people who trim / shave their backsides trying to make their rectum look bigger?

No, they're merely contortionists.
posted by jonmc at 5:50 PM on September 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

If the majority of other men genuinely spend hours hoisting their scrotum over the bathroom sink with one hand, nail scissors in the other

YER DOIN IT WRONG

Plus: Hours? Takes me a minute--maybe two--with an ordinary pair of scissors. I don't understand people that think four-inch-long pubic hair is attractive.
posted by hjo3 at 5:50 PM on September 15, 2008

See - now we're having fun! Let's let it all hang out! (so to speak) My pics are on bigmuscle.com under the ID... oh never mind.

And to add to the discussion - I shave the boys with a razor in the shower. Takes all of a couple of minutes once a week or so. Le pubes? Just a slight trim once a month. I'm just happy that in what there exists of a 'gay community', hairy is FINALLY back in. Used to be every anger-twink out there was plucked back to being 12 years old - and I found it gross. Now? Hairy is Hot!

But that doesn't mean you shouldn't keep things tidy.
posted by matty at 5:56 PM on September 15, 2008

no way am I letting anything as sharp as a razor near the family jewels

Nick your lip / face, nick your wang...feels the same...but, you know how to shave without doing that by now, right?

Do you think women are a-skaird of slicing their underarms? What about their kneecaps?

Do you want your SO to let hers grow out to their full glory?
posted by Exchequer at 5:56 PM on September 15, 2008

It has been brought to my attention that some MeFites are unaware that Charlie Brooker Is Right About Everything.
posted by flashboy at 5:56 PM on September 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

And to add to the discussion - I shave the boys with a razor in the shower. Takes all of a couple of minutes once a week or so. Le pubes? Just a slight trim once a month. I'm just happy that in what there exists of a 'gay community', hairy is FINALLY back in. Used to be every anger-twink out there was plucked back to being 12 years old - and I found it gross. Now? Hairy is Hot!

Good Lord, I'm glad I'm straight. Not for the usual, stupid reasons. I simply don't want to work that hard.
posted by jonmc at 5:57 PM on September 15, 2008 [2 favorites]

Anybody skeptical of these statistics and living anywhere south of Siberia just suffered needlessly through August.

*facepalm*

THAT explains it.
posted by lostburner at 5:58 PM on September 15, 2008

There really is nothing quite like a shorn scrotum. It's breathtaking; I suggest you try it.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 5:59 PM on September 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

Apparently the Brits have never heard of hair gel.

Neanderthals.
posted by spiderwire at 5:59 PM on September 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

Do you want your SO to let hers grow out to their full glory?

My feelings on female pube grooming have already been well-publicized here, thank you.

Nick your lip / face, nick your wang...feels the same...but, you know how to shave without doing that by now, right?

I actually wear a goatee, so I just shave the sides of my face, but something tells me that grooming my nutsack would be a delicate operation, somehere on the order of HazMat trucking.
posted by jonmc at 6:00 PM on September 15, 2008

There really is nothing quite like a shorn scrotum. It's breathtaking;

Dude, your balls breathe? Call the exorcist, or the circus.
posted by jonmc at 6:01 PM on September 15, 2008 [2 favorites]

My feelings on female pube grooming have already been well-publicized here

But the examples were underarms and legs...
posted by Exchequer at 6:05 PM on September 15, 2008

I'll admit to preferring shaved legs, although it's not a dealbreaker. Pits i could care less about. The whole enterprise smacks of excessive vanity and self-regard to me in any event.
posted by jonmc at 6:06 PM on September 15, 2008

Upon a full review of the entire thread thus far, it's now confirmed... we're all FREAKZ here. And it's one of the myriad of reasons I love MetaFilter.
posted by matty at 6:08 PM on September 15, 2008

so I just shave the sides of my face

Cheek area, jawline, neck...all curves, and yet you can do it when you're groggy in the morning, maybe not even in good light.

If you don't want to shave / trim your wang because of the way it looks / feels, I get it, but just because you are afraid that you won't do it safely? C'mon...

Even teenage girls can work a razor.
posted by Exchequer at 6:10 PM on September 15, 2008

If you don't want to shave / trim your wang because of the way it looks / feels, I get it, but just because you are afraid that you won't do it safely? C'mon...

Well, yeah, I think it would look stupid, but the idea of deliberately putting a sharp object near my balls...no.
posted by jonmc at 6:12 PM on September 15, 2008

The whole enterprise smacks of excessive vanity and self-regard to me in any event.

Still, we'd prefer it if you shave your legs, jonmc.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 6:12 PM on September 15, 2008

Still, we'd prefer it if you shave your legs, jonmc.

Gimme nuts with hair
Long beautiful hair
Shining, gleaming,
Streaming, flaxen, waxen

Give me down to there hair
ankle length or longer
Here baby, there mama
Everywhere daddy daddy

Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair
Flow it, show it
Long as God can grow it
My hair

Let it fly in the breeze
And get caught in the trees
Give a home to the fleas in my hair
A home for fleas
A hive for bees
A nest for birds
There ain't no words
For the beauty, the splendor, the wonder
Of my...
posted by jonmc at 6:15 PM on September 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

Wow. Stop having sex with men and everything changes in a decade or two. My ex-husband was appalled they wanted him shaved for his hernia operation, and now it seems like everybody's doing it. I'm all for getting rid of Bush.

The piece was worth it for this, though: "Just tell us a joke, show us your bum and piss off." I think I want to say that to my boss on my last day. Or the next lover I break up with. Or my mother, or somebody. I'm stealing it.
posted by notashroom at 6:18 PM on September 15, 2008

There really is nothing quite like a shorn scrotum. It's breathtaking.

it's also better for preventing infections of your sack piercings.
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:20 PM on September 15, 2008

I trim once a year during the summer, it's refreshing, and take only 2 minutes.
posted by Vindaloo at 6:23 PM on September 15, 2008

...
Why did I just post this?
posted by Vindaloo at 6:23 PM on September 15, 2008

Just tell us a joke, show us your bum and piss off.

You can also use the more archaic, "Dance, sing, show us your ring, or otherwise entertain."
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 6:23 PM on September 15, 2008

OK come on. Is this really news? Have some consideration and take CARE of things. The ladies may not have the balls (so to speak) to acknowledge your effort, but they will SHOW you how much they appreciate it.
posted by ChickenringNYC at 6:25 PM on September 15, 2008

I haven't made a comprehensive survey, but I can assure you that within the realm of my experience, yellow dwarfs do not have hairy nuts.

I have been waiting to revisit that joke for thirty years. Seriously, my parents and I were on the beach on Islamorada in the late 70s after dining at the Green Turtle Inn, watching the night come up through the aforementioned palm trees, and noticed quite remarkably that the coconuts were not hairy at all.
posted by seanmpuckett at 6:25 PM on September 15, 2008 [2 favorites]

If a daily shower isn't enough to keep your crotch from smelling rotten, maybe you need to change soaps.

Also, bacteria? Good Lord, when did we all become such pussies?

(please note, I don't really think you're a pussy if you shave, I'm just really tired of the intimation that if you don't shave there is something wrong with you)
posted by adamdschneider at 6:25 PM on September 15, 2008

Strange that this still perplexes so many people. And this is your reaction to merely trimming.

When both partners are shaven, it enhances intercourse. It's also more pleasing to the eyes of both partners. It's 2008, folks. If a girl slid off her 501's and looked like Playboy circa 1976, it would be a very strange (and disappointing) sight.
posted by Zambrano at 6:26 PM on September 15, 2008

If a girl slid off her 501's and looked like Playboy circa 1976, it would be a very strange (and disappointing) sight.

To you.

To you.

TO YOU.
posted by adamdschneider at 6:28 PM on September 15, 2008 [24 favorites]

If a girl was still wearing 501s I'd assume she was of that vintage anyway.
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:29 PM on September 15, 2008

If a girl slid off her 501's and looked like Playboy circa 1976, it would be a very strange (and disappointing) sight.

To you, maybe. Some of us prefer natural looking genitalia. And the first Playboys I saw where late seventies vintage when I was a kid, so maybe that shaped my taste it genital grooming, I just don't know.
posted by jonmc at 6:30 PM on September 15, 2008

Full Brazilian, not just for the ladies any more.

> Hair collects sebum, an oil which becomes rancid and is a feast for fun bacteria like staph. Trimming it down is just
> good hygiene, unless your bronze-age religion tells you that you must maintain a rotten-smelling crotch at all times
> I don't see why you'd not do some clear-cutting of the forest.
> posted by mullingitover at 8:02 PM on September 15 [+] [!]

Or, alternatively, a bath.
posted by jfuller at 6:30 PM on September 15, 2008

1) Trimming your pubes mean that you have no confidence in the size of your dick. This makes you either: a) tiny or b) insecure.

False dickotomy?
posted by defenestration at 6:31 PM on September 15, 2008 [9 favorites]

(and FWIW, I've been with my share of women and I've yet to encounter one who trims the hedges, so to speak. I don't think the practice is as widespread as people think.)
posted by jonmc at 6:31 PM on September 15, 2008

Gimme nuts with hair
Long beautiful hair

I mean, we're generally fine with people styling their head hair pretty much any way they want to, right? And the face? Sure, sometimes there are cultural or workplace consequences, but most folks are pretty laissez-faire with respect to others' hair shaping regimens.

And women can do what they wish for legs and underarms. We may even encourage it, to meet our eye-candy wishes.

Yet, some folks treat the genital areas like they are a restricted, off-limits zone for grooming...too scary...too freaky...too dangerous. Some folks like it, some don't, I say no harm, no foul.

I mean, I don't wanna get kicked in the nuts, either, but, your balls aren't lined with wet rice paper.
posted by Exchequer at 6:34 PM on September 15, 2008

Exchequer, do what you want, i won't stop you, I'm just saying what I think about the whole exercise.
posted by jonmc at 6:35 PM on September 15, 2008

I've never even thought about it, 60% sounds ridiculous. Im losing it on top so need all I can get.
posted by dabcad at 6:41 PM on September 15, 2008

Agreed, jonmc, me, too.

My jewels are as sensitive as anyone else's, but I just am amused when guys are worried about a scissor or razor intruding a foot from their bare package. YIKES! MY WEINER!!!

It's kinda like the (real) old cliche' of seeing a woman standing on a table or chair because of a mouse in the corner.

No harm, no foul.

I did enjoy the song, tho...
posted by Exchequer at 6:42 PM on September 15, 2008

Well, fair enough. Although remember when we were teenagers and we were glad to see hair sprouting from our crotches because it meant we were turning from boys into men? Why do we want to get rid of that?
posted by jonmc at 6:44 PM on September 15, 2008

AND, we were looking forward to shaving our faces!!!

Which I am totally over, by now...still do it tho...
posted by Exchequer at 6:48 PM on September 15, 2008

Metafilter: Just tell us a joke, show us your bum and piss off.
posted by not_on_display at 6:49 PM on September 15, 2008 [3 favorites]

(and FWIW, I've been with my share of women and I've yet to encounter one who trims the hedges, so to speak. I don't think the practice is as widespread as people think.)

I think that is purely a sign of the social and cultural group you choose to date. It is the exact opposite of my experience. I think I only encountered fully natural vegetation when I was still a teenager. The practice is (in my experience and in discussions with many of my male and female friends on practices and preference) at least as widespread 'as people think'. It's just much more widespread than you think.
posted by Brockles at 6:50 PM on September 15, 2008

I think that is purely a sign of the social and cultural group you choose to date.

Pretty much anyone who'll have me? (this was back when I was single, etc). Maybe I'm just getting older or maybe I'm just happily untrendy, but it's an 'only in porn' phenomenon to me.
posted by jonmc at 6:52 PM on September 15, 2008

How far back are we talking? 1970? That'd explain it, certainly...
posted by Brockles at 6:53 PM on September 15, 2008

I was born in 1970, Brockles, I'm not that old. Maybe it's a people-born-post-1980 thing. They can't remember when everybody in porn wasn't shaved bald.
posted by jonmc at 6:55 PM on September 15, 2008

Finally an issue I am in full agreement with jonmc on. A beautiful woman isn't made any less beautiful by what she does or doesn't do with a razor, unless it's carve words into her arm or something equally neurotic. I imagine the same would be true in the other direction.
posted by maxwelton at 6:57 PM on September 15, 2008

Maybe it's a people-born-post-1980 thing.

Nope. Not at all. I'm only 2 years off you. Although I have had little to no interest in porn throughout my life, so that may be why I am innocent of the fully topiaried era.

But, while I find the utter disparity of our relative experiences truly fascinating, this is all getting a bit personal for someone who's girlfriend reads the site to get much more detailed with...

I guess I'll just have to wonder or wait for more data points from others.
posted by Brockles at 6:58 PM on September 15, 2008

My general rule of thumb is that shaving is okay if you do it often enough not to leave stubble. Those of us in the coarsly hirsute — way too much follicle growth hormone category should probably avoid it at all costs.

I've got nothing against trimming down there, but it honestly never, ever would have occured to me to do so for aesthetic reasons. Maybe it's a generational thing (I'm in my mid-thirties), or perhaps it's exposure to boy Cosmo men's magazines such as Maxim, Detail, etc...

I think body hair serves a purpose, both for thermal regulation and reducing chafe.
posted by BrotherCaine at 7:02 PM on September 15, 2008

I guess I'll just have to wonder or wait for more data points from others.

Put me down as a data point on Brockles' side, contra jonmc.

If I could make a guess, I'd say it has something to do with the beach culture down under. "Full natural vegetation" doesn't usually work very well with most kinds of swimsuits, so women will generally be accustomed to doing at least some maintenance 'down under'.

If trimming the Map of Tasmania is seen as a normal part of the grooming regimen, it's not much of a conceptual leap to take that further, into shorter, more creative, or even full hair removal.
posted by UbuRoivas at 7:09 PM on September 15, 2008

When both partners are shaven, it enhances intercourse. It's also more pleasing to the eyes of both partners.

Not necessarily. I just checked with Mr. Sidhedevil, and he said (and I quote), "WHAT THE CHRIST NO FUCKING WAY ARE YOU CRAZY NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS EW."

I didn't even get to the idea of him shaving any of his man-bits.

There is so much YMMV on this topic that it's silly to try to make any generalizations.
posted by Sidhedevil at 7:16 PM on September 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

The ladies may not have the balls (so to speak) to acknowledge your effort, but they will SHOW you how much they appreciate it.

Yeah, no. My lady thinks it's weird. Squicky weird. But do go on speaking for your entire gender.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 7:17 PM on September 15, 2008

If a girl slid off her 501's and looked like Playboy circa 1976, it would be a very strange (and disappointing) sight.

I've really never been happier not be a young adult than I am right now. When did everyone under 35 turn into Felix Unger?
posted by octothorpe at 7:20 PM on September 15, 2008 [4 favorites]

Or what Sidhedevil said.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 7:20 PM on September 15, 2008

So who's gonna start the MeTa 'Do You Trim Your Bits?' poll? Ok, I will! (hey, it'll be 'fun' for your next meetup... just put your letter on your chest)

Do you...

A) Trim
B) Trim the bush but shave the 'nads
C) Trim both
D) Shave it all bare
E) Leave everything au natural


I'm a B.
posted by matty at 7:23 PM on September 15, 2008

I hack some hair off my pubes now and then. In part because I make Robin Williams look like David Ferrie. But also because in white guys it rolls in and out depending on the heat and it's a real issue if your pubes get rolled up in the skin there and you're going to, say, go for a run.

Yeah. Not good.

I also hack off all the sleeves to my shirt, in part 'cause of the HUGE GUNS (about .01%) but also - again, hair, and boy does arm hair like to get rolled up in the stitching. And I hate to come off the mat after a hard tussle sporting contusions and bruises like an ogre, put my shirt on, move my arm and mew like a hurt widdle kitty because my arm hair got tugged out by the inner stitching of my shirt.
S'one of those weird owies. Like a paper cut. Fall down a flight of stairs, no problem Shrug it off. Get a paper cut "Owie!"

Also, I don't like walking like I just got off a horse.
posted by Smedleyman at 7:24 PM on September 15, 2008

Oh crap! Selection 'A' should be Trim Just the Bush.
posted by matty at 7:25 PM on September 15, 2008

and makes sex something else entirely.

Psh. If you all had foreskins, you wouldn't have to go to these extreme lengths for some minor additional stimulation.

When both partners are shaven, it enhances intercourse.

There's definitely something hot about two lots of pre-pubescent-looking genitalia going at it like knives, but I'm not sure that it's OK to admit to such tastes in polite company.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 7:31 PM on September 15, 2008

Christ, Matty, if'n ya wanna see my balls, buy me a goddamned drink and ask me to the men's room!
posted by klangklangston at 7:32 PM on September 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

You know when you see one of those guys in the shower, and it seems like a whole lot less than 60%, most of the guys are silently or not so silently laughing. Really, it doesn't make it look bigger. It just makes you look prepubescent, a little less manly.
posted by caddis at 7:33 PM on September 15, 2008

Shaving you face doesn't make you look pre-pubescent, does it?

Trimming or shaving downtown isn't about trying to look a different age...
posted by Exchequer at 7:34 PM on September 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

I love metafilter so. much.

I don't understand full hair removal--jesus god, the itching...but hey, yeah, get on with your bad genitalia-shaving selves. Perhaps you have the steely resolve not to claw madly at your privates after going porn star. I myself would have to remain locked in my house till normality was restored so as not to make a scene.

And women's swimsuits that require Brazilians are just tools of the running-dog patriarchy. Swim shorts for all, I say, and no waxing required.
posted by emjaybee at 7:37 PM on September 15, 2008 [2 favorites]

Brothers, ask yourselves: Would Lee Marvin shave his nuts? Can you imagine Lee Van Cleef sporting nads shorn to resemble a baby's ballsack? Okay...Clint, around when he did Bridges of Madison County; that I can see. But not High Plains Drifter Clint. And, well, if you'd rather be crying, bridge-picture-taking, Meryl-Streep-humping Clint than Clint-who-paints-a-town-red-and-renames-it-HELL-before-killing-a-posse-of-badasses-with-the-assistance-of-the-dwarf-he-made-the-sheriff Clint, well, I guess that's on you. I'm not here to judge.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 7:46 PM on September 15, 2008 [15 favorites]

And now we have reached the point on the thread where all of the arguments for and against pubic depilation have been exhausted, and it's just going to be the moral equivalent of people shouting "TASTES GREAT!" "LESS FILLING!" at each other.

Depilating your pubes does not make you, or your partner, obsessed with pre-pubescents or genital size or bad at hygiene or whatever.

Letting your fur flag fly does not make you, or your partner, unhygienic or out of touch or a hippie weirdo or whatever.

Any in-between topiarical approach does not make you, or your partner, any of the things that are in between the two lists of attributes named above.

In a world where our options are constantly being limited by time and resources and the laws of physics, can't a hundred flowers bloom? Can't a hundred schools of thought contend? Must we have pubic conformity? I THINK NOT.
posted by Sidhedevil at 7:46 PM on September 15, 2008 [3 favorites]

Very well put, Sidhedevil.

Hey, I just want to say I am NOT trying to convince anyone to trim or shave their beans and franks…I just think each of us should be able to make ourselves look the way we want to, within our capabilities. If you want au naturale, that’s cool…if you want a Mexican Hairless, that’s fine with me, too.

Re: itching…I’d say that is very much a YMMV area…no way would folks being doing it if they were being driven skin-crawling mad. Your face doesn’t itch, does it?

The amusing part of this type of discussion is more along the reasons people give for going one way or the other:

Do you explain why you clean under your fingernails or polish your shoes? Is someone who wears clean clothes less manly? If you get a short haircut, are you trying to look pre-pubescent? Are people who shave their heads suffering from unusually extreme vanity and self-regard? Should they worry about slicing their ears off? Do their skulls look bigger? Can you only fuck your SO if you and she (or he, I guess) are both bare?

It’s just a look, for Pete’s sake.
posted by Exchequer at 7:51 PM on September 15, 2008

Your face doesn’t itch, does it?

It's true that my legs rub against my face with every step but I'm just built weird like that.

But then I stick things in my face. Bits of steak. Veggies some times. Chocolate cake. You don't do that to your pecker, do you?!

/ridiculous analogies
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 8:02 PM on September 15, 2008

Would Lee Marvin shave his nuts? Can you imagine Lee Van Cleef sporting nads shorn to resemble a baby's ballsack?

Great. Now I'm imagining what kind of arrangement Klaus Kinski would have.
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:05 PM on September 15, 2008

So you are saying that every man and woman who shaves downstairs is being driven mad by itching? To the point that they can barely leave the house?

And you're sure of this based on what?
posted by Exchequer at 8:08 PM on September 15, 2008

Great. Now I'm imagining what kind of arrangement Klaus Kinski would have.

Oh Jesus. Come on, UbuRovias, most of us have to try and sleep soon. *shudder*
posted by kittens for breakfast at 8:14 PM on September 15, 2008

From personal experience, full shaving itches like a motherfucker.

However, most people in this thread are conflating trimming--you know, like getting a haircut every six weeks, just further south--with full-on shaving.

Tsk.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 8:15 PM on September 15, 2008

Great. Now I'm imagining what kind of arrangement Klaus Kinski would have.

Nibbled down to the skin by rabid ferrets.
posted by Sidhedevil at 8:17 PM on September 15, 2008 [2 favorites]

Well I've both shaved and trimmed underarm hair, and I find both to lead to terrible, terrible itching -- for exactly the kind of conditions people are describing here -- hot summers when you're doing physical work. Shaved completely, it doesn't itch till the stubble comes in. Trimmed, itches like a mofo from the word go yo.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 8:21 PM on September 15, 2008

Well, then, if the 60% number is anywhere close to right, I need to look into investing with the Gold Bond folks, I guess.

I just don't see men and women squirming maniacally with their legs crossed everywhere... must look around more carefully.

Or maybe...uh...not everyone itches like a motherfucker?
posted by Exchequer at 8:23 PM on September 15, 2008

Culturally some of us NEED to trim. I mean... it can get... dense?
posted by SJLaw at 8:27 PM on September 15, 2008

Now I'm imagining what kind of arrangement Klaus Kinski would have.

It's impossible to know, but we can be certain that he debuted it to Werner Herzog in the middle of the night by sneaking into his tent and draping his balls right across his chin. Those dudes had chemistry!

I'm pro-choice across the board, trim, snip and shave away my darlings. If I don't please forgive me however, if you are somehow forced to peer underneath my choneys rest assured that you are either being well compensated by United Healthcare or you are my wife, with whom peace has long ago been made WRT what I am and am not willing to do to my nutsack.
posted by Divine_Wino at 8:30 PM on September 15, 2008

Nah, it'd be the middle of a thunderstorm, and Herzog would wake, look down, and in a flash of lightning see Kinsky there mid shave, lather, cut-throat razor, crazy glint in his eyes, the works.

(or possibly the other way around, the both of them are crazy that way)

(best not to think about what could happen to razor nicks in the Amazon)
posted by Artw at 8:46 PM on September 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

I'm just saying -- I for one am not conflating trimming with shaving.

Now if you'll excuse me, I think I've had enough conversation about pubes for this decade at least.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 8:48 PM on September 15, 2008

My general rule of thumb is that shaving is okay if you do it often enough not to leave stubble.

Yes. Hair is ok, bare is ok, but stubble is just plain awful.

Anyway, be careful with the sweeping generalizations. I just asked Ms Forktine about manscaping, and her reaction was "ewww, that's not very masculine." So there's one very much non-hippy vote against, at any rate. Different (razor) strokes for different folks.

Here is a video (NSFW! NSFW!) that is mostly cheesecake shots of a hippyish young woman (named "Sativa," no less) interspersed with an interview with nsfw photographer Richard Kern. His claim is that the current trend in female pubic topiary is towards full bush and fully bare, but away from partial trimming.

So it would make sense that heterosexual men are about eight years behind, and are just beginning the trimming experiment. They should hit fully bare in about five years, and be back to full bush in 2016.
posted by Forktine at 9:02 PM on September 15, 2008

I should point out that Klaus Kinski shaving your balls in the middle of the night wouldn't be any kind of gay thing - he's very heterosexual, and very assured in his heterosexuality. Random same-sex genital shavings are just the kind of crazy macho thing he does sometimes. Probably he uses the foam and pubes to make a hat, or something.
posted by Artw at 9:21 PM on September 15, 2008

Do you think replicants were constructed with public hair? Because my adolescent fantasies involving "Rachael" definitely had her (sexily!) hirsute (as the gods Tyrell intended), but now, with some thought about how Blade Runner was set in a dystopian future, I'm not so sure.
posted by maxwelton at 9:33 PM on September 15, 2008

public? Hm.
posted by maxwelton at 9:34 PM on September 15, 2008

What was the style in the 40s?
posted by Artw at 9:36 PM on September 15, 2008

Thanks, I needed an excuse to play Impeach My Bush.
posted by lukemeister at 9:37 PM on September 15, 2008

I'm now naming my band Kinski's Pubic Millinery.
posted by UbuRoivas at 10:04 PM on September 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

I think others have made it clear that grooming doesn't have to mean shaving down to the balls and pecker.

Like a thoroughbred stallion being readied for the Kentucky Derby, his loins heaving, his shiny coat rippling with the sweat from a morning workout, you just don't put him back in the stall and wait for race day. You gotta take care of him just a little bit.

And it isn't vanity, no sir. It is love. It is the purest form of love, to care for ones crotchal region with proper diligence and care.

In any case, the bitches tell me it's hot, so I do it.
posted by bardic at 10:16 PM on September 15, 2008 [1 favorite]

I just have to say bravo for the thread title.
posted by joannemerriam at 10:19 PM on September 15, 2008

Or maybe...uh...not everyone itches like a motherfucker?

Or maybe we're talking about trimming, not shaving bare?
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 10:24 PM on September 15, 2008

dnab, my comment immediately before the one you quoted, and then again 4 later, addresses that distinction.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 10:32 PM on September 15, 2008

its been reliably observed that little or no bush will make yr penis seem bigger

True, but my ginormous wang also helps with that, and plus, I just spent $50 on highlights.

Shaving you face doesn't make you look pre-pubescent, does it?

Yes, yes it does.

I don't trim my beard, I shave it off when jungle noises begin emanating from it. When my hat starts feeling a little tight, I know it's time for a crew cut.
And if I'm going to waste my time trimming hair for aesthetic reasons, my privates are waaay below nostrils and shoulders on the priority list, somewhere between toes and the nipple perimeter.

Do whatever makes you and your parter - or "the ladies", for those of you who are posting from your iPhone while in line for Hotties Night at Velvett's - happy, sez I.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 10:37 PM on September 15, 2008

A friend of mine (honestly this is a friend and not a euphemism for talking about myself) shared a story about a pubic trim gone awry. On the morning of a big date, on which he expected get nekkid and sexy for the first time with a new companion, he went out and purchased a fancy electric shaver and beard trimming device. His intention was to have a perfect shave on his face as well as doing some maintenance work on the pubes for his big night.

This fancy electric shaver was a cordless and waterproof model with a charging station to keep it full of juice. Short of counter space, this friend proudly mounted his new purchase to the wall above his sink. When it was time to prepare for his big evening, he started a shower and used his new shaver on his face. Pleased with the his clean and smooth chin and cheeks he turned his attention downward. But his batteries did not have the power to cut a swath through his unkempt man-jungle. (After the fact, he learned that the manufacturer prescribed 24 hours of charging time and he tried to made do with only six.)

Partially trimmed, he did what any man looking to impress a woman would do: he put the cordless shaver back into its charging cradle and attempted to manicure his pubes while standing on his sink by gyrating his pelvis against the trimmer. He was wet from the shower and his feet were slippery, but several times he reminded himself that he was indeed going to get laid that evening or die trying.

I have never heard the term "manscaping" before now, but forever on I imagine it to involve standing naked on a bathroom sink grinding your pubic bone into a wall-mounted electric trimmer. Because, barring a duct tape Brazilian, it doesn't get more manly than that.
posted by peeedro at 10:38 PM on September 15, 2008 [5 favorites]

I'm a hairy beast. About once a year I get bored, spend far too long in the shower and hack off the cockfro with a safety razor (it's a lot easier than with a cartridge, those thing just clog up and are useless after a swipe or two). Aftershave is a must but oh boy does it sting like a bitch. I have pretty wiry hair and for the next week or so, yes it itches, but it's kind of a fun itch. (Unlike shaving my armpits which just plain HURT.)

In addition to being hairy, I'm pretty sweaty. And when I'm shaven I notice that a lot. It's not pleasant in hot weather. Yeah it seems counterintuitive but things feel a lot funkier down below.

As to the people who get to bask in the glory of my shaven balls, reactions are pretty mixed. Some think it's neat, some don't care, and some are pretty squicked out by the whole thing. Shrug.
posted by aspo at 10:49 PM on September 15, 2008

Manscape.
posted by bardic at 10:49 PM on September 15, 2008

Manscape
posted by milkrate at 11:22 PM on September 15, 2008

but the idea of deliberately putting a sharp object near my balls...no.

Dude.
posted by LooseFilter at 11:50 PM on September 15, 2008

Oh sweet hairy-cocked jesus, what the fuck?

Powdered wigs, perfumed hankies, tramp-stamp tattoos, scarification and merkins and pubic hairstyling, beards and beehives and trucker hats and lip-plates. It's all the same goddamn thing, it's all fashion and tribal signification, it's puerile and tiresome, and it's a waste of time.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 12:10 AM on September 16, 2008

C'mon, stavros, are you sayin' you wouldn't ever, say, polish you shoes?
posted by Exchequer at 12:13 AM on September 16, 2008

Hey, muh lip-plathe ith noth tirethom.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 12:16 AM on September 16, 2008

C'mon, stavros, are you sayin' you wouldn't ever, say, polish you shoes?

Actually, I can't remember the last time I polished my shoes. But that's more because I'm kinda lazy than a kneejerk reaction to the dictates of fashion.

Don't mistake me -- I wear clothes that are nominally fashionable (well, I tend toward the timelessness of black and white conservative designs and ties of a width that are never quite out of fashion, for example), because I understand it's equally vain and infantile to deliberately try to stand out through striving to be consciously unfashionable. Doesn't mean I have to like it or devote overmuch thought to it, though.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 12:21 AM on September 16, 2008

Do you live in Camden?

Two countries separated by a common language.
posted by fixedgear at 2:31 AM on September 16, 2008

Oh, and before I forget, what is Barack Obama's and John McCain's position on this?

John McCain, an American hero and prisoner of war, couldn't trim his pubes for five whole years.
posted by cmonkey at 4:30 AM on September 16, 2008 [5 favorites]

hmm. Hirsute, or suit her?
posted by tawny at 5:01 AM on September 16, 2008

I'm not just the president of the merkin club for men, I'm also a member.
posted by BrotherCaine at 5:40 AM on September 16, 2008 [1 favorite]

Good lord. Trimming does not equal shaving. I've cut back my pubes every couple of years because otherwise they get way too long - they get caught in zippers and stab and strangle things I don't want stabbed and strangled.

It doesn't mean I am some sort of hairless twink posing for calvin klein or a feminized grooming obsessed male ( Though I did just get the nose hair trimmer recommended on Kevin Kelly's cool tools blog and it is amazing. A life changer. Much like my first electric toothbrush.)
posted by srboisvert at 5:44 AM on September 16, 2008

You brush your pubes? I'll have to try that one.
posted by bardic at 6:13 AM on September 16, 2008

try dreadlocking them instead. brushing is strictly for Babylon, mon.
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:16 AM on September 16, 2008

wouldn't that be 'dreadcocking,' Ubu?

HAHAHA
posted by jonmc at 6:46 AM on September 16, 2008

So when do the merkins make their comeback, BrotherCaine?

Metafilter: overthinking a plate of beans and franks.
posted by notashroom at 6:53 AM on September 16, 2008

they say "hey nattie dreadcock, where you cum from?
you must have two sticks of sensi under your 'tum"
i say "oh, officer lord, you must be mad -
i only grow these dreadies to score a shag"
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:55 AM on September 16, 2008

Buffalo Carpet
Surround your genitalia
Dreadcocked Rasta
the better for to nail-a ya..
posted by jonmc at 7:04 AM on September 16, 2008 [1 favorite]

I'm not sure that it's OK to admit to such tastes in polite company.

Good thing we're on Metafilter, then.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 8:10 AM on September 16, 2008

MetaFilter: The whole enterprise smacks of excessive vanity and self-regard

/sorry
posted by mrgrimm at 8:22 AM on September 16, 2008 [2 favorites]

Trim it down
or you pecker will be hotter
Trim it down
it won't make it look shorter


(Ok, maybe we've mined out the vein of pube-centric reggae parodies...)
posted by jonmc at 8:27 AM on September 16, 2008

...barring a duct tape Brazilian...

THANKS A LOT, peeedro. Just the mental image I needed.

(Semi-OT: my waxer was profiled in the style section of the newspaper and I pointed it out to eddiedevil with a cheery "Look, honey! She's the only person who's seen more of me than you in the past few years!" And then he cringed. A lot).
posted by bitter-girl.com at 10:42 AM on September 16, 2008

Let's just say life has gotten pretty darn cozy.
posted by middleclasstool at 10:42 AM on September 16, 2008

Trimming - good. Shaving - not so good, in my opinion. The first time I saw a man with hairless bits and pieces, it creeped me the hell out. It just looked... wrong. It looked like a turkey neck and gizzards.

This thread is making me horny.
posted by Evangeline at 11:42 AM on September 16, 2008

(This entire thread is hilarious.)
posted by lunit at 11:48 AM on September 16, 2008

hairless bits and pieces

the abandoned spinoff of this product, I presume?
posted by jonmc at 12:32 PM on September 16, 2008

Clipperize it
It won't resize it
Still, clipperize it
And don't over-analyse it

Some call it a haircut
Some call it too weird
Some call it hair-all-gone-a
Some of them just don't wanna
posted by Sys Rq at 12:49 PM on September 16, 2008

Late afternoon, dreaming hotel:
I pulled out the razor that sent them away.
I was shaving my pubes,
Now they're gone gone.
posted by UbuRoivas at 1:50 PM on September 16, 2008

Down by the scrotum it was so dismal,
Women all standing with a shock on their faces.
Sad description, so I was shaving for you.
posted by UbuRoivas at 1:58 PM on September 16, 2008

I have shaved
the plums
that were in
your hotbox

and which
you were probably
growing
into dreadlocks.

Forgive me
they were tangled
so sweaty
and clumped.
posted by subbes at 2:37 PM on September 16, 2008 [8 favorites]

I have to say I'm intrigued by the Eastwoodian school of pubic philosophy.

Would an unpruned bush allow or require me to spend time with an orangutan?

While it might be fun to have the option to spend a half hour with one, I wouldn't want to make a huge commitment to having a smelly ape in my personal space. Having to change a fur-filled diaper isn't my idea of fun.
posted by CKmtl at 5:54 PM on September 16, 2008

Do your balls have hair
Or do you shave down there?
Do you use a set of clippers
Or just cover them with Nair?
Do you buff them 'til they're shiny
And then tuck them in your hiney?
Do your balls have hair?
posted by louche mustachio at 6:02 PM on September 16, 2008 [2 favorites]

So when do the merkins make their comeback, BrotherCaine?

Hopefully never, except for those hiding scars.
posted by BrotherCaine at 12:22 AM on September 17, 2008

Guilty
posted by FrankBlack at 2:04 PM on September 17, 2008

(and FWIW, I've been with my share of women and I've yet to encounter one who trims the hedges, so to speak. I don't think the practice is as widespread as people think.)

TOPIARY BIAS
posted by spiderwire at 5:18 PM on September 17, 2008

(also known as depilation bias)
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:32 PM on September 17, 2008

or cunt formation bias
posted by UbuRoivas at 5:34 PM on September 17, 2008

ERECTION BIAS?
posted by spiderwire at 7:16 PM on September 17, 2008

isn't that just a another name for fanciful over-exaggeration?
posted by UbuRoivas at 6:27 AM on September 18, 2008