Super Useless Super Powers

January 22, 2009 12:42 AM

Super Useless Super Powers. A cute website with dinky cartoons and fun descriptions of those super powers which, if you were to be blessed with one, would be pretty much damn-near useless.
posted by benzo8 (81 comments total)

All right, that is genuinely pretty cute.
posted by Joey Michaels at 12:44 AM on January 22, 2009

I disagree, helium resistance would come in handy in blimp hijackings.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 12:45 AM on January 22, 2009 [2 favorites]

These are great.

Also great: Very Mild Superpowers
posted by minifigs at 12:45 AM on January 22, 2009 [3 favorites]

It always bothered me that the Marvel Universe didn't have mutants with useless or even detrimental powers. Like someone with the ability to shoot mashed potatoes out of their hands. And usually they can control it, but maybe not so well when they get nervous. For instance.
posted by aubilenon at 1:01 AM on January 22, 2009 [10 favorites]

They probably were some, but who'd buy their comics?
posted by flatluigi at 1:14 AM on January 22, 2009

Ability to think of an amusing joke for your blog. But only one amusing joke.
posted by Phanx at 1:21 AM on January 22, 2009 [2 favorites]

Often in the morning when I'm getting dressed I stop for a moment and consider which superpower I want to use this day. I've pretty much memorized Wikipedia's list of fictional martial arts and I usually draw my inspiration from that.

For example, yesterday I briefly became expert in Engaijutsu - a powerful style developed by a hedonistic alien race. The day before, I decided to spend the morning practicing my own unique blend of Tsunkatse, Metallikato and Insult swordfighting.

People often tell me that my super powers are useless just because I never get to use them in daily life. But if the Universe suddenly becomes more like Star Trek or Transformers or whatever... you'll be the one thanking me!
posted by twoleftfeet at 1:42 AM on January 22, 2009 [1 favorite]

Seriously though... that site is funny. Thanks!
posted by twoleftfeet at 2:05 AM on January 22, 2009

It always bothered me that the Marvel Universe didn't have mutants with useless or even detrimental powers.

There were, or are (I don't follow that closely anymore.) They are called the Morlocks. If I recall, some of them had absolutely useless powers.

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Ultra Short-Range Teleportation

I would totally use this power to it's full extent and do like a vibration effect so all people would see is a blur. That would freak 'em out!
posted by P.o.B. at 2:13 AM on January 22, 2009

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Ultra Short-Range Teleportation

This would be great for cutting to the front of a line.
posted by twoleftfeet at 2:18 AM on January 22, 2009

Oh yeah, Lukewarm Touch Superpower. Hello-impervious-to-extreme-temperatures.
posted by P.o.B. at 2:18 AM on January 22, 2009

There was a really good short story about a kid with the Ultra Short-Range Teleportation power. He used it to be a gold gloves boxer, and then saved a woman's life by teleporting a moving car away from the cliff by hundred's of really short teleports. Anyone remember the author or title? Can't seem to google it.
posted by V'Ger at 2:20 AM on January 22, 2009

SUPERUSELESS SUPERPOWER: Ultra Short-Range Teleportation

Or if you were in a mosh-pit, no one could mess with you!
posted by P.o.B. at 2:21 AM on January 22, 2009

Nearly all of these are demonstrable enough to let you win any number of cash prizes for proof of paranormal phenomena. A million dollars is hardly useless.
posted by 0xFCAF at 2:25 AM on January 22, 2009

A million dollars is hardly useless.

I can't believe you would sell out your useless super power for mere money! The power of a useless super power comes from its uselessness. Selling it for useful dollars will render it useful!
posted by twoleftfeet at 3:13 AM on January 22, 2009

My superpower is to instantly select the most expensive item in a group.
posted by surlycat at 3:15 AM on January 22, 2009 [7 favorites]

Brussel Bob has the ability to fly after eating brussel sprouts. Unfortunately, no one will be his friend because his place smells so horrid.
posted by netbros at 3:17 AM on January 22, 2009

also... and...
posted by fcummins at 3:26 AM on January 22, 2009

My superpower is to turn bread into toast.

With my utility belt.

That has a toaster on it.
posted by zippy at 4:19 AM on January 22, 2009 [3 favorites]

Back in '85 I bought this comic book - The Mundane Adventures of Dishman.

Pretty good, actually.
posted by orme at 4:19 AM on January 22, 2009 [1 favorite]

I've always thought that SarCastro, and his superpower of the razor sharp sting of sarcasm, should be Mefi's mascot.
posted by snwod at 4:32 AM on January 22, 2009 [1 favorite]

good stuff.. got the day started with a smile...

I am now going to be "MetaMan"...with the power to...well....ummmmmm

nevermind....
posted by HuronBob at 4:49 AM on January 22, 2009

One of these turned out not to be too useless — Timothy Zahn wrote a short story about a guy with short-range teleportation. He becomes a boxer.

And the guy with left-half levitation? Totally owns the "Guess My Weight" guys at the fair.
posted by adipocere at 5:02 AM on January 22, 2009

My superpower is to be served a Diet Coke in restaurants when I've ordered a Coke. I'm not kidding. This happens more often than not. It's eerie.

My wife's superpower is to pick the slowest line at the grocery store (note: NOT the longest). Also eerie.
posted by The Tensor at 5:17 AM on January 22, 2009 [1 favorite]

Don't forget heros....With Mild Power comes Mild Responsibility. Let's use our powers for meh rather than evil.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 5:31 AM on January 22, 2009 [10 favorites]

I have Constant Supervision.


Heh.
posted by Ron Thanagar at 5:31 AM on January 22, 2009 [6 favorites]

Self-link, but context-appropriate: I'm currently wrapping up over 1,500 strips of Man-Man, a comic about a man who is bitten by a radioactive man and gains the proportionate strength, speed and agility of a man. The strip is ending in about four weeks after a nearly 10-year run online.
posted by Shepherd at 5:42 AM on January 22, 2009 [6 favorites]

It always bothered me that the Marvel Universe didn't have mutants with useless or even detrimental powers. Like someone with the ability to shoot mashed potatoes out of their hands. And usually they can control it, but maybe not so well when they get nervous.

Replace a few key words and you've just described some of the worst dates I had.
posted by piratebowling at 5:59 AM on January 22, 2009 [5 favorites]

"You know, there are thousands and thousands of mutants, with all kinds of unusual powers, but only a handful of us got anything really useful."
posted by Faint of Butt at 6:24 AM on January 22, 2009 [1 favorite]

I am Super Cleaning Woman. With just water, a rag and a broom I can clean an entire house. At least once a year. But only if it needs it.
posted by nax at 6:28 AM on January 22, 2009

I have actual superpowers, but only when I'm drunk.

When I try to buy a round at the bar I'm almost totally invisible. If I fall over, I feel no pain. And sometimes I can get home as quickly as the blink of an eyelid. I also develop the power to warn passing freighters away from dangerous rocky outcrops at some distance when sleeping.
posted by MuffinMan at 6:33 AM on January 22, 2009 [2 favorites]

I started a series of adventures starring myself as BlandWoman, but unfortunately couldn't think of anything more interesting than my ability to wear polyester without becoming horribly stinky. At least no-one ever told me I was stinky. Anyway, I got bored and stopped.
posted by h00py at 6:34 AM on January 22, 2009

"It always bothered me that the Marvel Universe didn't have mutants with useless or even detrimental powers."

Look into the Great Lakes Avengers. Marvel has done tons of self-parody over the years, with varying sales resulting.

I keep a file of my own ideas; some in print and some online.
posted by Eideteker at 6:48 AM on January 22, 2009

My brother and I used to play this game! The best (?) one I came up with was "the ability to walk on cheese". My brother went with "the ability to communicate with corn". (Corn does not have much to say.)
posted by JoanArkham at 7:02 AM on January 22, 2009 [2 favorites]

I (seriously) have the superpower of always knowing when it is exactly the top of an hour. I will just have this feeling come over me like "It is exactly 1:00 or something" and I will look at a clock and it will be 3:00 on the fucking dot. I can't tell what hour it will be the top of, but I always know when that little hand hits the twelve. It is a pretty useless superpower to tell you the truth, but I like being special.
posted by ND¢ at 7:14 AM on January 22, 2009

No! It's not a superpower, so you don't get a catch-phrase.
posted by ND¢ at 7:29 AM on January 22, 2009 [2 favorites]

It always bothered me that the Marvel Universe didn't have mutants with useless or even detrimental powers.

I'm not a big comics fan, but Squirrel Girl would probably qualify. She has the ability to command squirrels, and has beaten some of Marvel's most powerful supervillains, though always "off-camera" and done as a joke.
posted by DecemberBoy at 7:37 AM on January 22, 2009

"Do you need anything... moistened?"
posted by ook at 7:50 AM on January 22, 2009 [3 favorites]

omfg. i think i have found several new addiction.
man-man? awesome!
posted by liza at 7:50 AM on January 22, 2009

I play tabletop superhero RPGs. We've encountered some really interesting ones.

The Big Cheese: turns into a 250 lb wheel of cheddar, can't move but can speak, and it takes an hour for him to turn back.

Captain Canard: psychic control over a duck. Any one duck at any time. So if he's under attack by a lot of ducks, he's screwed.

The Flood: super-strong bladder.

You know, that sort of thing.
posted by mephron at 7:51 AM on January 22, 2009

Mur Lafferty's novel Playing For Keeps examines the plight of several low-rent superheroes, including such superpowers as the ability to heal a square inch at a time, to hold a bar tray perfectly level, and to shoot streams of fecal matter out of one's hands.

It's available in print and, more interestingly, in its entirety as a free podcast (Link's on the top of the left sidebar) and a free PDF. It's not a bad book.
posted by JDHarper at 8:03 AM on January 22, 2009

Useless Superpowers? Mutants with inconsequential or even malign powers?

The Deuce you say.
posted by jefflowrey at 8:22 AM on January 22, 2009

Saw this making the rounds last month. Someone mentioned that none of these peeps have anything on the superpowers of Section 8!

* Sixpack: Team leader, whose special ability is grotesque drunkenness and beating villains with broken-off liquor bottles.

* Bueno Excellente: An obese, sweaty, and bald Latino in an overcoat who "defeats evil with the power of perversion." Generally, the only thing he says will be "Bueno", often preceded by a creepy chuckle. It is strongly implied that he violated Kyle Rayner in some way.[1]

* The Defenestrator: A large, burly man in a denim jacket, black sunglasses, with black hair who obsessively carries around a window through which he forcefully throws criminals and the occasional unlucky policeman. His assaults on police officers landed him in Arkham Asylum.

* Dogwelder: A thin, silent man in a welder's mask who spot welds dead canines to evildoers, resulting in extreme burns and general horror. The question of how exactly one can weld a flesh and blood animal to a person is not answered by the series.

* Friendly Fire: A large, hapless man in a red cowl, Friendly Fire would easily be the most powerful of Section 8's heroes if he were to shoot anything other than allies with the potent bolts of energy he fires from his hands.

* Jean de Baton-Baton: A bizarrely gaunt walking French caricature who defeats enemies with "the power of Frenchness," as expressed by savage beatings with a baton and occasionally blinding others with rings of garlic and onions.

* Flemgem: A sickly, thin, bald man in a green suit and a purple domino mask who has the ability to produce and expel large volumes of phlegm, which can blind, suffocate, or simply gross out evildoers.

* Shakes: A thin, hairy vagrant who upsets people through stutters and an overall shaking palsy. He is a frequent, accidental target of Friendly Fire.

posted by daHIFI at 8:31 AM on January 22, 2009 [2 favorites]

Squirrel Girl makes a cameo appearance in Avengers: The Initiative #19, published last December. She's a member of the Great Lakes Initiative. Along with Tippy-Toe, of course.

I encountered a mutant at a bar last month: we called him PersonalSpaceMan, because he had the eerie ability to stand slightly too close and talk slightly too loudly, thus making super-villains back away in embarrassed discomfort.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 8:37 AM on January 22, 2009

It always bothered me that the Marvel Universe didn't have mutants with useless or even detrimental powers. Like someone with the ability to shoot mashed potatoes out of their hands. And usually they can control it, but maybe not so well when they get nervous. For instance.


As many have mentioned, Useless Superheroes are a big stable of humor comics (and there was a huuuge spat of them in the early 90s as I recall, even a couple of movies) but I was wondering this; Has anyone done an X-Man Universe story where a teenager (always a teenager cause the X-Universe runs on angst) discovers they're a mutant but has some lame, easily-ignored power (the ability to turn blue or something) but becomes hugely into the Mutant Movement and ends up in it's most radical fringe as a demagogue? That would be kinda cool.


Friend of mine brought up a point, what if you had modest superpowers in a place where you can't use them? Assume a Heroes-like event where superpowers get switched on around the world. The Afghan bride in the mountains isn't going to be showing her ability to walk through walls. Leaders of revolutions and coups already get mystical-powers attributed to them in parts of the world, what if they actually could fly?

Oh and my superpower? The ability to say exactly the wrong time at the wrong time.
posted by The Whelk at 8:48 AM on January 22, 2009

Terror Island had Ned Q. Sorceror¹: The Obvious Dentist! Upon meeting Ned, people instantly know that he is a dentist, despite his not wearing a dentist's coat, carrying dentist's instruments, or talking about dentistry.

TV Tropes, as usual, is on top of relatively useless superpowers (although in most cases, not nearly as useless as the ones shown here).

¹"Sorceror" is just his name. He's not a sorceror.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 8:59 AM on January 22, 2009

Anyone remember the Civic-minded Five from the Tick comic series? Carpeted Man, in particular, comes to mind.

....And I actually have a quasi-fertility-related superpower; whenever I go to a zoo, farm, or other place where animals are kept in pens of some sort, at some point I walk up to one of the pens and two of the animals therein immediately start to have sex. A friend has been trying to convince me to contact the Panda Breeding program at the National Zoo.

I may even have some effects on humans, as well -- another friend, when she was trying to conceive and having a little trouble, called me for consolation and we joked around about this - I jokingly promised her that I'd just sort of salute in her general direction now and then over the course of the following week, to see if that helped. ...Her daughter turns three next month.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:06 AM on January 22, 2009 [1 favorite]

I have a super-useless superpower! The electromagnetic waves emanating from my brain destroy electronics. I personally thought it was b/s, that it was just some bizarre coincidence that headphones, iPods, stereos, lightbulbs, and the occasional laptop just give up and die in my presence. I set off store and airport alarms even when my pockets are totally devoid of metal. (No one's tried sending me through one naked, but I wouldn't doubt that it would still go off.)

Just yesterday my headphones burned out. I'd had them for six months. I go through AT LEAST two pairs of headphones a year. And no, I'm not doing anything bizarre to them. The speakers just DIE. Likewise with stereos, in college a stereo would last me a year, tops, and then the speakers would stop working.

It may or may not have anything to do with the fact that I have epilepsy.

Also: Plants. Plants can't stand to be around me. They die. Nothing to do with any neglect on my part, it's been demonstrated that an otherwise healthy plant will be several orders of magnitude more likely to die if placed within 6 ft. of where I normally sit.

So far my powers have yet to harm any humans or other sentient beings. Yet. I try to be careful.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 9:12 AM on January 22, 2009

Empress Callipygos is held in a force field by the evil Dr. Sinister and his henchman.

DR. SINISTER:

Not so proud now, are you Empress? You are completely powerless before me!

EMPRESS:

Not so powerless Dr. Sinister.

EMPRESS CALLIPYGOS salutes DR. SINISTER. He shakes a bit

HENCHMEN:

What's wrong sir?

DR. SINISTER:

I feel ...funny. Fuller. Glowing.

HENCHMAN:

Sir, I never noticed how beautiful you are

DR. SINISTER:

Your eyes are like gems! Take me Robert!


Turns out Dr. Sinister's lust for evil was squashed by finding the love of a good man. They let her go and they still exchange Christmas Cards. Just don't bring up the kid or the delivery. That was ..awkward.
posted by The Whelk at 9:15 AM on January 22, 2009

(d'OH! Forgot to include that 'moonMan and his various degrees in electronic engineering has confirmed that yes, it is me having this effect. For whatever reason. Also: his mother de-magnetizes and thus totally destroys watches.)
posted by grapefruitmoon at 9:16 AM on January 22, 2009

When asked to choose a superpower, my brother (slightly drunk) paused, and then announced "Being able to pick the right queue at the checkout."

We were awestruck.
posted by leakymem at 9:18 AM on January 22, 2009

Ultra Short Range Teleportation is an awesome superpower. You can do it quickly enough to appear to be moving at, say, 100mph, or you can telefrag people. It totally doesn't belong on the list.
posted by tehloki at 9:23 AM on January 22, 2009 [1 favorite]

telefrag people.

I read that as something else ..and that would also be a good use of the power.
posted by The Whelk at 9:24 AM on January 22, 2009

The ability to heal self-inflicted wounds, anyone?
posted by Rinku at 9:27 AM on January 22, 2009

I'll do you one better, Rinku: I have the power to heal wounds, self-inflicted or otherwise. Really.

Of course, it takes days to weeks for this to happen, depending on the severity of the wound.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 9:32 AM on January 22, 2009

I remember years ago I think when Marvel was re-vamping, they had the "New Universe". Kind of a precursor to the TV show "Heroes" - with regular people who had super-powers. Anyway... There was some kind of parody about the creative team coming up with new powers. It showed a guy throwing darts at a list that contained both useful powers (ability to fly, heat vision, etc.) and useless powers. The only useless one I remember is "always has exact change for the bus". And it's stuck with me.

Maybe someone with youtube access can dig up the SNL episode called something like "Third Rate Super Heroes". With Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Weather Girl (could raise or lower the temperature by 5 degrees. And Brad Hall as Stapleman. Good stuff!

My powers are obvious in my name.
posted by ObscureReferenceMan at 9:38 AM on January 22, 2009

Ut! I can't believe nobody's brought up Bob Burden's Flaming Carrot and Mysterymen yet.
posted by Shepherd at 9:44 AM on January 22, 2009

I LIKE DOLLS!

The Tick had a great collection of un-heros in both the tv series and comics, including Baby Boomerangutuang (his superpower is to throw dolls at the villains and the dolls come back like boomerangs - except for the middle child, which is explosive) and Sarcastro (he looks like Castro, and he fights crime with the razor sharp sting of sarcasm, but he needs to improve his aim as he usually uses sarcasm on the other superheroes as well).

Don't talk to me about the live series. It makes me sad.
posted by filthy light thief at 9:46 AM on January 22, 2009

Also: ND¢ is Reacher.
posted by Shepherd at 9:49 AM on January 22, 2009

As a beer brewer, Lukewarm Touch would save me an awful lot of time and hassle. Boiling wort? Not anymore, baby.

Unfortunately I am only blessed with the two superpowers of usually being able to find a good parking space, and invisibility to bartenders and waitstaff (only when they are working and I wish to be served). The latter of which really sucks. I have to get strangers to order for me sometimes.
posted by rusty at 9:59 AM on January 22, 2009

See also: The Superest
posted by joshwa at 10:06 AM on January 22, 2009

I've had the power to Blow Out Light Bulbs for years now.
posted by rubah at 10:11 AM on January 22, 2009

I have Excitement Deflector Shields. Nothing ever happens when I'm around. I'd be the boringest-ever superhero.

But if I leave town, look out! There was a coup d'état 4 days after I left one country, the SE Asian tsunami wiped out an area I stayed in about a month after I left, there was a scary almost-violent incident in the workplace on a day I was out, and a coworker received a diagnosis of retinal cancer on another day I was out. Also, I was laid off while I was away on vacation - my super-powers don't prevent bad things from happening, they just reschedule 'em. Super-boring AND super-useless.
posted by Quietgal at 10:16 AM on January 22, 2009

Seconding Mur Lafferty's Playing For Keeps. I listened to the podcast and thoroughly enjoyed it.
posted by lordrunningclam at 10:20 AM on January 22, 2009

Lukewarm Touch would be great to have. I hate drinking hot liquids and have to wait until they get lukewarm before even trying to drink them. This would save me YEARS of waiting through my whole life.
posted by Memo at 10:20 AM on January 22, 2009

I always thought Bouncing Boy from the Legion of Superheroes was pretty much the lamest superhero I'd ever heard of.

And Mystery Men, yeah... I liked the kid who could turn invisible only when no one was watching.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 10:20 AM on January 22, 2009

It always bothered me that the Marvel Universe didn't have mutants with useless or even detrimental powers.

It does. The Morlocks are deformed mutants with no powers. Or they have borderline useless powers like being able to heat up or see in the dark. Then there are Morlocks with borderline useless or difficult powers. For instance, Tar Baby secretes some disgusting sticky substance, Berzerker can generate electricity but ended up electrocuting himself, Cybelle sweats acid, etc.

Then there are guys like Cypher who could understand any spoken language. He was quickly killed.

There's a few non-returning gag characters in the Marvel Universe but, of course, I cant remember a solid example. Chris Claremont would write a panel or two showing some mutant who can heat up coffee or guess what color you were thinking.
posted by damn dirty ape at 10:22 AM on January 22, 2009

Shepard: Thanks for self-linking. Currently listening to Man-Man while reading your comic...fits pretty well.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 10:35 AM on January 22, 2009

No mention of Xanth?
posted by boo_radley at 10:37 AM on January 22, 2009

When descending into a subway station, I can aways tell if the sound of an approaching train is one arriving on the platform I need (in which case I need only step briskly down the stairs to catch my train) or the other platform, bound in the other direction. Every time.

Oh, also: I can do this thing with biscuits, of course.

And the lukewarm liquid thing would be good for winning bar bets (indeed, inverting a common one). The standard bet is "I bet I can drink a pint of ale/stout/whathaveyou faster than you can drink a pint of water." When the sucker accepts, ask the barkeep to bring him a pint of boiling water. In Lukewarm Lad's world, he can bet strangers he can drink a pint of boiling water faster than the mark can drink a pint of whatever.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 11:06 AM on January 22, 2009

I have a very dangerous superpower. Simply put, if I travel to Japan, a member of the British royal family will die. I was in Japan when Diana died in 1997, and needless to say I didn't see any connection, but when I went to Japan in 2002, the Queen Mother promptly passed away. Who knows whose life would end were I to return? Charles? William? Elizabeth herself? I dare not find out.
posted by Faint of Butt at 11:56 AM on January 22, 2009

And yet, no mention of the Mystery Men? (Flaming Carrot Presents!)
posted by FatherDagon at 12:22 PM on January 22, 2009

No mention of Xanth?

Well there wasn't, but then you ruined that streak. ::grumble::
posted by FatherDagon at 12:23 PM on January 22, 2009

I was just thinking of a super power that I would like to have: the ability to fall asleep anywhere in thirty seconds or less.

'moonMan can do this. I envy him.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 1:05 PM on January 22, 2009

For some fairly useless superpowers, try The Specials. Some have decent superpowers, some have "only handy occasionally" powers (like MinuteMan — makes himself very small), and then there's Nightbird. Yeah, just watch to find out what her power is.
posted by adipocere at 1:11 PM on January 22, 2009

I was just thinking of a super power that I would like to have: the ability to fall asleep anywhere in thirty seconds or less.

I used to have that ability in college. And if you woke me, I'd have the strength of The Hulk for about 5 seconds. Was very dangerous a couple of times.
posted by ObscureReferenceMan at 3:09 PM on January 22, 2009

This is in answer to The Welk's question above and also something I'm surprised no one mentioned- in one of the early Ultimate X-men comics (I think it was those, might have been the regular series under a good writer), a kid wakes up and everyone in town is gone. Their clothes are there, food is on the table, etc. Turns out he exudes a virus or energy field (can't remember which, I think it was a virus, but an energy field makes more sense) that causes people to turn into puddles of goo in under a minute. Wolverine goes in, talks with him, and then (off screen) kills him in the end. It was a sad and good comic, a nice change from the always useful high-power powers.
posted by Hactar at 3:40 PM on January 22, 2009

WARNING: This is a self-link to my own site of The Worst Superpower Ever that I found in a comic book and put up on my stores' webpage a couple of years ago.

CLICK HERE to view.

And yes, that is an actual authentic comic book panel.
posted by Ron Thanagar at 3:43 PM on January 22, 2009

Crap. CLICK HERE Sorry about that. Obviously my Web-Fu is very weak.
posted by Ron Thanagar at 3:50 PM on January 22, 2009

V'Ger writes "There was a really good short story about a kid with the Ultra Short-Range Teleportation power. He used it to be a gold gloves boxer, and then saved a woman's life by teleporting a moving car away from the cliff by hundred's of really short teleports. Anyone remember the author or title?"

It's in Time Bomb and Zahndry Others by Timothy Zahn. I think the story was titled Ernie originally published in Analog
posted by Mitheral at 6:44 PM on January 22, 2009

Oh man! We played this game in college! The best ones I can remember my funnier friends coming up with were "Ability to call all slugs within a five-mile radius to you (though you'd probably be gone by the time they got there)," and "Sticky feet... but not strong enough to stick you to the ceiling."
posted by you're a kitty! at 7:42 PM on January 22, 2009