Conrad, you sexy devil you

March 7, 2009 7:05 AM

There is no finer measure of a man than the way he smokes a pipe.
posted by Brandon Blatcher (91 comments total)

Wow.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 7:13 AM on March 7, 2009

oh man. Next christmas i'm gonna have to make a loop of this and put it on instead of the log show.
posted by mannequito at 7:20 AM on March 7, 2009 [3 favorites]

Is this not the coolest man ever? Wouldn't he make the best neighbor ever?!

"Conrad, can you with this tree triming, just for a minute?"

"Alas my friend, I can not. The pipe, her siren song calls to me. Come, put down your tools and forget such trivial things as keeping your house and smoke with me."
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:27 AM on March 7, 2009 [2 favorites]

He has 783 subscribers and over 6300 videos, and I'm guessing they all include smoking.
posted by P.o.B. at 7:39 AM on March 7, 2009

I hate to be a wet blanket, but that sucked.
posted by digsrus at 7:45 AM on March 7, 2009 [4 favorites]

Behold, the work of a genius.

SMOKING:BIG APPLE KARL ERIC COMPACT, PIPE TOBACCOS, CURVED; WITH WHITE HAT, BLACK T-SHIRT OF SURF, GLOVE RED, BLUE JEANS LEVI'S 501; AND TENNIS. WITH MUSIC, OF MILTON NORMAN. LEIT MOTIV THE JAMES BOND.

posted by Kikkoman at 7:47 AM on March 7, 2009 [1 favorite]

I see that he has friends with names like Smokerc902 and his favourites are people smoking two pipes at once. He really takes it seriously.

Internet celebrities are so much more peculiar than regular ones.
posted by mannequito at 7:48 AM on March 7, 2009 [1 favorite]

This is pretty cool, but after many years on the internet, I have to admit that I am afraid that if i look into this too much I am going to end up seeing a pipe in a butt, or an adult baby smoking a pipe, or something else I can't unsee.
I am probably wrong, but this just has that feel.
posted by Stonestock Relentless at 7:51 AM on March 7, 2009 [2 favorites]

michael phelps looks so much older now - JUST SAY NO!! NO, MICHAEL, NO!!
posted by pyramid termite at 7:51 AM on March 7, 2009 [1 favorite]

I like watching the pleasures of others.
posted by aesop at 7:51 AM on March 7, 2009

Is this some kind of Rule 34 thing?
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 7:56 AM on March 7, 2009 [2 favorites]

Internet celebrities are so much more peculiar than regular ones.

Awesome. So much more awesome than regular ones.
posted by jaduncan at 7:57 AM on March 7, 2009 [2 favorites]

Good people, we have no reason to suspect that our own private pleasures and passions, seen through the distorted and subjective lens of the internet, wouldn't appear to others as similarly outlandish and alien.

That being said, that dude is clearly madder than a box of frogs.
posted by Jofus at 7:58 AM on March 7, 2009 [4 favorites]

SMOKING, SINCE THE 18 AGE.

BEGIN, SMOKING; IN THE UNIVERSITY.


I'm not sure, but I think it's FORTRAN.
posted by 0x029a at 8:05 AM on March 7, 2009 [40 favorites]

Every day we find something new and fascinating on the net. And every now and then the internet melts my face with something like this. So bizarre there has to be more to the story than the bleeding obvious. Who is this man? Why does he have 6300+ videos of himself smoking in front of a webcam? Is the "Comedian" badge on his profile page some clue? Is he an eccentric artist? Is he mentally ill? Why does this exist?

My mind boggles. I can almost feel the neurons in my brain swapping conflicting messages. Then I remember that this is the internet, where nothing needs a reason to exist.
posted by pyrex at 8:05 AM on March 7, 2009 [3 favorites]

Is there a ranking of who has posted the most videos to YouTube? 6300 must put him pretty high on that list.
posted by brain_drain at 8:08 AM on March 7, 2009

but I think it's FORTRAN.

It is COBOL. FORTRAN didn't have pipes.
posted by YoBananaBoy at 8:08 AM on March 7, 2009 [32 favorites]

A filthy and vile habit no matter how you try to make it cool using a novel broadcast medium.

A mentally and physically pathological public display.
posted by Tube at 8:15 AM on March 7, 2009

What did I ever do before the internet?

Oh yeah, I went down to the donut shop to watch old guys smoke.
posted by mazola at 8:16 AM on March 7, 2009 [1 favorite]

Why did you link us to popeye the sailor man?
posted by 5imian at 8:17 AM on March 7, 2009 [1 favorite]

There is no finer measure of a man than the way he smokes a pipe.

It's good know that my fineness is immeasurable.
posted by Devils Rancher at 8:19 AM on March 7, 2009

Wow the bowl of that pipe must be white hot after that guy burns one.
posted by nola at 8:24 AM on March 7, 2009

This should be agony. I should be a mass of wheezing muscle — coughing, spent, unable to move. And, were I an older man, I surely would... But I'm a man of 30 — of 20 again. The smoke in my face is a baptism. I'm born again.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:26 AM on March 7, 2009

What's the deal with the big red glove?
posted by Daddy-O at 8:26 AM on March 7, 2009

I've now watched on of these completely and bits of maybe 12 others.

W. TF. Smoking guy.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 8:34 AM on March 7, 2009

Ho-lee-shit.
posted by tehloki at 8:49 AM on March 7, 2009

wow.
posted by dydecker at 8:51 AM on March 7, 2009

SMOKING:GREAT RUSTIC PIPE TOBACCOS, TYPE:CURVED; WITH BEIGE HAT, GREEN ANORACK T-SHIRT, GLOVE BLACK RED, RIPPED BLUE JEANS LEVI'S 501; AND TENNIS. has him introduce the video.
posted by Authorized User at 8:55 AM on March 7, 2009

Correct link.
posted by Authorized User at 8:56 AM on March 7, 2009

Next: No mouth and chin; smoking through hole in throat.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 9:00 AM on March 7, 2009

What's the deal with the big red glove?
posted by Daddy-O

Check out that last link. Looks like he uses it on his left hand when the pipe bowl gets too hot to handle with his bare right hand.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 9:04 AM on March 7, 2009

May my chubby for the Internet ever engorge.
posted by sciurus at 9:05 AM on March 7, 2009

Epic.
posted by CitrusFreak12 at 9:05 AM on March 7, 2009 [4 favorites]

BLACK T-SHIRT OF SURF

I've been thinking it's about time for me to outgrow my T-SHIRTS OF IRONY because I've been at it so long that it's getting to the point where the ironic appreciation is bleeding over to new secret shames and then blossoming into non-ironic appreciation, and I'm actually considering getting tickets to see the Sytx and REO Speedwagon summer tour. And yet, it's a pretty safe bet that CONRAD here doesn't surf, but he's so comfortable in his wardrobe that he proclaims it in all caps. That makes me feel better somehow.
posted by hydrophonic at 9:12 AM on March 7, 2009

The youtube account was created 9 months ago. That's an average of 23 videos posted per day.
posted by You Should See the Other Guy at 9:16 AM on March 7, 2009

i want to not care about this, but it is compelling beyond explanation. the man's face is intense. this is not leisurely smoking. this is smoking as an existential act of defiance . . . or resignation. zen-like meditation on banal action. grotesque illustration of the pathology of addiction. or something. this cat could be a character out of camus, if he had written in the internet era. whether you find it inspirational or repulsive, there is something about the base humanity of it.

whatever it is, i say it's a hypnotic piece of performance art.
posted by barrett caulk at 9:36 AM on March 7, 2009 [6 favorites]

I hate to be a wet blanket, but that sucked.

You shouldn't judge until you've seen them all.
posted by Anything at 9:37 AM on March 7, 2009 [5 favorites]

and quite funny, as well.
posted by barrett caulk at 9:40 AM on March 7, 2009

Thans...but I will wait until the hacking, coughing and lungs turn black then cancerous.....you know...like the Malboro Man! That's when it becomes worth watching....as an ad for not smoking!!
posted by malter51 at 9:48 AM on March 7, 2009

I got really excited when I read the text of the link. I thought there'd be something interesting about what how you smoke your pipe says about you. Or that there would be something more interesting than just various videos of a man smoking a pipe. But now that I've clicked the link ... I must say ... I am bored.

Your favorite pipe smoker sucks.
posted by Arbac at 9:53 AM on March 7, 2009

Malter: I'm pretty sure the vast majority of people who smoke pipes do not inhale the smoke, this man included.
posted by CitrusFreak12 at 10:02 AM on March 7, 2009

I don't think I have ever been more confused by anything I have seen on the Internet.
posted by fusinski at 10:06 AM on March 7, 2009 [1 favorite]

I know that guy, he told me about fuel/air ratios.
posted by Mblue at 10:25 AM on March 7, 2009

I dated a girl years ago that loved the smell of a pipe or cigars. (I think it was a 'daddy' thing.)

She was hot, looks wise and emotionally; but when there was a pipe or cigars in the picture, she was a wildcat! I smoked cigarettes at the time, they had no effect.
You can bet that I quickly adopted the pipe habit for the duration of that relationship!
posted by Drasher at 10:27 AM on March 7, 2009

I thought that was Onslow for a second, but he smoked cigarettes.
posted by nzero at 10:35 AM on March 7, 2009

...it is compelling beyond explanation.
For reals. Fantastic post.
posted by generalist at 10:45 AM on March 7, 2009

I wouldn't want to live upstairs.
posted by bonobothegreat at 10:56 AM on March 7, 2009 [1 favorite]

You shouldn't judge until you've seen them all.

6300 videos is a fairly substantial investment.
posted by David Fleming at 11:00 AM on March 7, 2009

if only because the surreality of this . . .
posted by barrett caulk at 11:08 AM on March 7, 2009

smoke this, yo.
posted by jonmc at 11:18 AM on March 7, 2009

The thing is, the video is not entertaining in any way. It's an extremely poor quality video of a man in a Superman shirt smoking a pipe.

I would prefer if the post just said, "Hey did you guys know there is some freak out there who made 6300 videos of himself smoking a pipe and the quality really sucks omg lol wtf!1!" without a link. Then I would have got the exact same experience without actually having to look at it.
posted by drjimmy11 at 11:27 AM on March 7, 2009 [1 favorite]

I've been thinking it's about time for me to outgrow my T-SHIRTS OF IRONY because I've been at it so long that it's getting to the point where the ironic appreciation is bleeding over to new secret shames and then blossoming into non-ironic appreciation, and I'm actually considering getting tickets to see the Sytx and REO Speedwagon summer tour. And yet, it's a pretty safe bet that CONRAD here doesn't surf, but he's so comfortable in his wardrobe that he proclaims it in all caps. That makes me feel better somehow.

"I used to be able to take great pleasure in not enjoying things," Erdman said. "But these days, the only things I like are things I like. Christ, I feel so old."
posted by drjimmy11 at 11:30 AM on March 7, 2009 [1 favorite]

"I thought that was Onslow for a second, but he smoked cigarettes."

I don't think Onslow ever had that much passion about smoking.
posted by krinklyfig at 11:34 AM on March 7, 2009

I've been thinking it's about time for me to outgrow my T-SHIRTS OF IRONY because I've been at it so long that it's getting to the point where the ironic appreciation is bleeding over to new secret shames and then blossoming into non-ironic appreciation, and I'm actually considering getting tickets to see the Sytx and REO Speedwagon summer tour.

Most of the people are who wear Styx and REO t-shirts 'ironically' are to young to remember either band being contemporary. They even have to borrow their dislike of that from a previous generation. Sad, really.
posted by jonmc at 11:46 AM on March 7, 2009

and 'Keep The Fire Burning" and "Lady" are legitamitely..pretty damned good songs.
posted by jonmc at 11:47 AM on March 7, 2009

You know, when I woke up this morning, I said "I sure hope I get to see some old dude in a Superman shirt puffing away on a meerschaum today. It's just one of those days, you know!"

And now it has happened. Truly the Internet is a magical and wonderful place for all of us.
posted by Spatch at 12:20 PM on March 7, 2009

Fantastic. Love live the tubes.

Did anyone else the the facebook chat popping sound in the background of his videos?
posted by willie11 at 12:28 PM on March 7, 2009

For some reason I was hoping this was a post about Miguel Cardoso. Or that Brandon Blatcher was his sockpuppet. Alas, it was not to be.
posted by empyrean at 12:32 PM on March 7, 2009

And upon viewing the video(s) in question, I can only light the signal and hope he'll answer the call to put this guy in his place.
posted by empyrean at 12:35 PM on March 7, 2009

Willie11: Yeah I noticed that too. Thought it was me the first few times.
posted by CitrusFreak12 at 12:48 PM on March 7, 2009

Oh good lord.

That was supposed to be "long live" and "hear the" in my earlier comment. I guess I was too stunned by the awesomeness of this post to put together a coherent thought.
posted by willie11 at 12:52 PM on March 7, 2009

Wow... so these average 2-3 minutes long. 6k videos. Thats about TWELVE DAYS of continuous smoking he's recorded and uploaded.
posted by wildcrdj at 2:01 PM on March 7, 2009

Is there a ranking of who has posted the most videos to YouTube? 6300 must put him pretty high on that list.

No... if you think about it, it's not really the kind of record we want people to compete for :) That said, this guy is pretty high up there.
posted by wildcrdj at 2:05 PM on March 7, 2009

rarely does one see metafilter miss the point so completely, so blatently.
um, people, THIS IS PORN. yes, there is smoking porn. yes, *sigh*, it is mostly a gay thing. srsly, y'all, do you really think they make cigars the size of cucumbers for people who, y'know, like the occasional smoke? also, it's not all that uncommon...walk into any leather bar (and yes, there is probably one within 20 miles of you, again, not uncommon) and you're bound (ha) to see at least one harnessed-up leather daddy with a pipe or cigar sticking out of them somewhere

don't believe me? check out the videos of smokerc902 or mnrubbergear or cigarstudtampa (he's even smoking in the boys room...dirrrrty!) or hell, any of the 660 "subscriptions" of our pal conrad, here.

of course, if yr looking for something reaaaallly gay and kinky, you should head on over to boytaur.net, the home of "Online resources for boytaurs, multilimbers, shapeshifters, and their friends" (oh so very NSFW)
posted by sexyrobot at 3:03 PM on March 7, 2009 [3 favorites]

Did anyone else [hear] the facebook chat popping sound in the background of his videos?

oh yeah, another thing, just be thankful these are from the waist up. there is no way in hell that man is wearing pants.
posted by sexyrobot at 3:06 PM on March 7, 2009 [1 favorite]

Good lord.
posted by Jofus at 3:07 PM on March 7, 2009 [2 favorites]

Yeah, like sexyrobot said... Personally, I'm more disgusted than amused. The man has a smoking fetish, I am sure. He is probably naked waist down, and erect. *shudder* Oh, how I wish I hadn't clicked that link...
posted by livingdots at 3:42 PM on March 7, 2009

Well then, I'm just going to come right out and say it.


*deep breath*


My ironic T-shirts are also porn.
posted by hydrophonic at 3:53 PM on March 7, 2009 [1 favorite]

Oh man that old dude just won the internet. Why recoil in horror? He is going down in a blaze of glory and sharing his passion with the world. I'm pretty sure I mean that. On the comic side, I am really enjoying/boggling at his fixation on cataloguing his outfits and what the music playing is. These details have significance?
posted by kaspen at 4:03 PM on March 7, 2009

He's very zen. He replies to every comment the same way:

Hello, my friend.

Thank you.

Conrad, your friend.

I like to think that he, surely a man of principle, doesn't ever use Ctrl+C/ Ctrl+V.
posted by ob at 4:18 PM on March 7, 2009 [1 favorite]

my personal thanks to sexyrobot for hipping me to a subbacultcha that i had no fucking clue about. not my cup of tea, though i have always dated women who smoke. something to think about, i guess.

fortunately my personal view of art privileges interpretation over intention, so i am free to roll with my first take on this. it's still great, even with the kink factor. i posted the link to conrad on facebook. it will be a hoot to see if any of my friends are in the know. this post still made my fucking day.
posted by barrett caulk at 5:10 PM on March 7, 2009

rarely does one see metafilter miss the point so completely, so blatently.

It's particularly irritating since I've linked to YouTube smoking porn here before. Most of it was a fair bit more obvious than Conrad though.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 5:36 PM on March 7, 2009

My ironic T-shirts are also porn.

i know, honey. i've been masturbating on them while you sleep.
posted by sexyrobot at 5:42 PM on March 7, 2009

I am now regretting the comment I made earlier in this thread.
posted by sciurus at 6:13 PM on March 7, 2009 [1 favorite]

what
posted by trip and a half at 6:14 PM on March 7, 2009

sexyrobot is joking, right?
posted by diogenes at 7:16 PM on March 7, 2009

Ceci n'est pas une post.
posted by m@ at 7:19 PM on March 7, 2009 [2 favorites]

sexyrobot is the first one who got it right! smoking videos pop up (LOL) all over gay porn sites (I hear). I thought the fact that he details the kinds of clothes he wears would be a big clue. Not to disparage the wonderful varieties of sexual experience, but there's definitely a smoking uncle/grandpa fetish thing happening out there.
posted by troybob at 10:29 PM on March 7, 2009

I have to admit, though, that boytaur is entirely new to me. I'm going to have to check it out once I pick myself up off the floor from laughter at the guy who has photoshopped two extra toes on each of his feet.
posted by troybob at 10:31 PM on March 7, 2009

Okay, boytaurs and the crusty smoking grampa fetish.

I've learned two new things today.
posted by darkstar at 12:19 AM on March 8, 2009

Actually, one could argue that Stontestock Relentless had it right first with the whole pipe-in-the-butt prophecy.
posted by mannequito at 6:35 AM on March 8, 2009 [1 favorite]

there's definitely a smoking uncle/grandpa fetish thing happening out there

See, its almost like I spend too long on the obvious ones and so these one's just sweep in out of nowhere. It doesn't take a very large leap of the imagination (or, at least, MY imagination) to get from, say, people liking cars; to people imagining having sex with cars; to people drawing pictures of the cars they'd like to have sex with; to people actually having sex with cars and posting pictures of it to the internet.

Those are the easy ones. Most of Rule 34, I find, is easy to guess at, easy to spot and, thus, easy to guard against. (Being careful what you click; being aware of what a porn-possible environment looks like etc.)

But finding out that this is porn? Its really upset me. Its like France in 1940, spending millions on the Maginot line only to find out, guess what motherfuckers, the Nazis are coming in through Belgium.

I really need to work on my metaphors
posted by Jofus at 7:25 AM on March 8, 2009 [1 favorite]

to get from, say, people liking cars; to people imagining having sex with cars; to people drawing pictures of the cars they'd like to have sex with; to people actually having sex with cars and posting pictures of it to the internet.

...and then pushing the envelope further with pictures of dragons having sex with cars.
posted by sexyrobot at 11:36 AM on March 8, 2009

It is a funny thing to discover stuff like this you had no idea existed. It wasn't too long ago I discovered that there is a community that gets off on wearing casts and people in casts. And I've worked in orthopaedics for years.

Back in the late 80s, in the Navy, I learned about amputee porn; it's not my particular thing--I mean, I wouldn't not be attracted to an amputee, but I wouldn't seek it out in particular. I think it's actually pretty neat, though, that there are people out there ready to get it on with people who might consider their condition a disadvantage. Not that amputees should be all grateful to be objectified or anything, but you know what I mean...

Around the same time I came to the rather unfortunate knowledge of porn that involves naked women straddling skyscrapers. Not literally, of course. Just pictures of women like photoshopped (or the 1988 equivalent of photoshopped) naked and, um, spread, on the verge of penetration from the oft-antannaed tippy-tops of skyscrapers. It wasn't just that I saw this porn, but in the hands of guys who traded it back and forth and who thought it was awesome.
posted by troybob at 12:09 PM on March 8, 2009

...oh yeah, and it was like women who were disproportionately giant compared to the size of the skyscraper...
posted by troybob at 12:11 PM on March 8, 2009

>>There is no finer measure of a man than the way he smokes a pipe.
i can think of a few other finer measures:
1. How he treats others
2. Just about anything else
posted by allelopath at 12:47 PM on March 8, 2009

...and then pushing the envelope further with pictures of dragons having sex with cars.
posted by sexyrobot at 1:36 PM on March 8

That's clearly parody.




Right?
posted by Ynoxas at 1:22 PM on March 8, 2009 [1 favorite]

I hate to be a wet blanket, but that sucked.

The mere fact that he has 6,300 videos of him doing the same damn thing speaks to a combination of commitment and insanity that is simply awesome.

Actually watching all 6,300 of them, now that would suck.
posted by zardoz at 4:43 PM on March 8, 2009

Metafilter: a combination of commitment and insanity




sorry
posted by R_Nebblesworth at 5:09 PM on March 8, 2009

I thought I posted this yesterday, but I must have closed the tab or something:

This seems to me to be the product of obsessive compulsive disorder as opposed to some sort of fetish. Which I admit it could be argued both spring from the same well.

But, I have a suspicion that while this is likely (obviously?) gratifying for him, it is not sexually gratifying. Just the satisfaction that comes from accommodating the compulsion.

But, maybe I'm either way off base or naive or both.
posted by Ynoxas at 9:55 AM on March 9, 2009

Goddamn, you know, I was looking back through old comments, got here, and thought: Oh man -- THAT post! It's gripping I tell you. It doesn't let go.

Somebody should sidebar this thing, or better yet, just make it the FACE OF METAFILTER.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 8:05 PM on March 16, 2009