Soccer is a European sport because it is all about death and despair

March 12, 2009 10:59 AM

America is doomed. Why? Soccer.
posted by Artw (150 comments total)

What other game, to put it bluntly, is so boring to watch?

Um, baseball. He seems to have forgotten baseball.
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 11:06 AM on March 12 [38 favorites]

Short version: "Waaa! Your favorite sport sucks."
posted by dellsolace at 11:07 AM on March 12

I am an overworked teacher, with books to read and books to write, and before I put in a video for the kids to watch while I work in the evenings, they need to have spent some of their energy. Otherwise, they want to play with me!


yet:

My son turned ten just the other day
He said, “Thanks for the ball, dad, come on let’s play.
Can you teach me to throw?” I said, “Not today,
I got a lot to do.” He said, “That’s ok.”

It is emotionally hard for me to type those words on my computer screen. They are too real. We should thank God every day that most fathers (I hope!) have learned their lesson about neglecting their children.
posted by caddis at 11:09 AM on March 12 [1 favorite]

Previously
posted by Artw at 11:09 AM on March 12

That was pretty funny. I approve.

It was a joke, right?
posted by Lemurrhea at 11:10 AM on March 12

I don't understand what the hell point number 2 is even about
posted by dng at 11:10 AM on March 12

I for one, trust everything written by an institution "whose purpose is to advance a religiously informed public philosophy for the ordering of society." What's not to trust about that?
posted by dersins at 11:10 AM on March 12 [3 favorites]

the sight of the well-attired strolling on perfectly kept greens [is] at least [a] inherently pleasurable activity...

is the point in which I thought... "what a wanker", by the end I was wondering if this was suppose to be faint satire or if the author really aspired to write like a college freshman, I still don't know.
posted by edgeways at 11:11 AM on March 12

Sure. Why kick around a ball when you can kick around a bunch of false premises.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 11:11 AM on March 12 [16 favorites]

My High School Football coach used to say the same thing but more succinctly about the Soccer team on the field next to us (Well really half a field , one half for the girls, one half for the boys - Football had 3 full fields) - "A Bunch of Communists and Homosexuals looking to take our things"
posted by JPD at 11:12 AM on March 12 [5 favorites]

I don't particularly like soccer (which can be a bit hard living in the UK) but this really is a load of old balls.
posted by rhymer at 11:14 AM on March 12

Metafilter: "A Bunch of Communists and Homosexuals looking to take our things"
posted by 445supermag at 11:15 AM on March 12 [18 favorites]

Jim Rome just called and wants his take from 1996 back.
posted by Keith Talent at 11:15 AM on March 12 [2 favorites]

ah.. he teaches at a liberal arts college... for men
posted by edgeways at 11:15 AM on March 12

So to summarize ... Baseball =good (it's like being in a Western) Soccer = bad (suggests something of an old-fashioned duel).

Got it.
posted by mannequito at 11:16 AM on March 12 [3 favorites]

If I had a kid, he or she would play soccer under no circumstances.

Those headers are a royal road to lowered intelligence.
posted by jamjam at 11:18 AM on March 12

Soccer is popular because the cost of entry to play is very low. You need:

1. A ball or ball-like object.
2. An animal or awesome robot that can move the ball somehow.

That's why it's popular–in many countries, everyone plays it, and they can appreciate how good the pros are because they know how hard it is to do the things they do. We don't appreciate the things that pro soccer players do, as a country (US that is) because we don't play soccer.
posted by Mister_A at 11:18 AM on March 12 [6 favorites]

When you are really angry and acting like an animal, you kick out with your feet. Only fools punch a wall with their hands. The Iraqi who threw his shoes at President Bush was following his primordial instincts.

And that's why no one should play soccer. Or something.
posted by Kronoss at 11:18 AM on March 12

Your favorite humorous piece sucks.
posted by carter at 11:19 AM on March 12

And no word about hand egg?
posted by DreamerFi at 11:19 AM on March 12

better picture of hand egg.
posted by DreamerFi at 11:20 AM on March 12

I like the fluoride metaphor near the beginning. I always know I'm reading a quality op-ed when fluoridation of water is used as a negative metaphor.

Assuming this isn't satire, of course. Which I'm still not sure it isn't.

I bet this dude thinks any board game besides Monopoly needs to be banned.
posted by Caduceus at 11:22 AM on March 12

Stephen H. Webb is a professor of religion and philosophy at Wabash College. His recent books include American Providence and Taking Religion to School.

From the Amazon.com Product Description of American Providence:

American Providence makes the case that American Christianity is not an oxymoron. It makes the case for a robust doctrine of providence-doctrine that has been frequently neglected by American theologians due to their reluctance to claim any special status for the United States. Webb goes right to the heart of this reluctance by defending the idea that American foreign policy should be seen as a vehicle of God’s design for history.

So, Lemurrhea, I guess it's not supposed to be funny. Which is...unfortunate.
posted by Atom Eyes at 11:22 AM on March 12 [1 favorite]

I'm American, and loves me some English Premier League (don't hate me because I like Chelsea). I watch high-level soccer, and I can feel my blood pressure go down.

But don't hate on baseball. You may think baseball is boring, but it offers one thing that soccer does not -- finality. The pitch crosses the plate and something happens. Something that is defined, measured and scored. Soccer is full of immeasurable things. Which is part of its brilliance, of course. But most of it is, dare I say, vague.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 11:23 AM on March 12 [1 favorite]

I'm with Lemurrhea. This was the perfect setup for some sort of brilliant satire.
And then it didn't become satire.
I pray to St.Ghandi to intercede on his behalf in heaven so that he may gain some perspective.
(Ghandi is a Catholic saint, you know? He's on a tapestry in my church and everything!)
posted by cimbrog at 11:24 AM on March 12 [1 favorite]

Wait. Someone help me out here. Does this guy really think soccer is awful, or is he really lauding it while pretending to lambaste it?

Idiot musta taken a ball to the head or something.
posted by Night_owl at 11:25 AM on March 12

well, Baseball has better snacks, and I like all the pageantry and stuff.
posted by Artw at 11:25 AM on March 12 [1 favorite]

I toured Wabash College once. Its an all male Christian school. Most of the students are in fraternities and I think it was rush week when I was there (or whatever they call it when they are trying to get new recruits). I remember an illicit boxing match, a car you could rough up with a baseball bat for $5, and a drunk guy lighting his own armpit hair on fire. As entertaining as that all was, I am so very, very glad I didn't attend college there.
posted by no_moniker at 11:26 AM on March 12 [7 favorites]

This impressively ignorant essay was worth it just for this absolutely hilarious sentence: "As a display of nearly death-defying stamina, soccer mimics the paradigmatic feminine experience of childbirth more than the masculine business of destroying your opponent with insurmountable power." This sounds like a line out of a Stella episode or something Dwight of The Office would say.
posted by Kattullus at 11:27 AM on March 12 [6 favorites]

Jesus, how tiresome. There's so much rich and buttery ignorance in this article, it's hard to pick just one example. But let's try:

Any sport that limits you to using your feet, with the occasional bang of the head, has something very wrong with it ... When you are really angry and acting like an animal, you kick out with your feet. Only fools punch a wall with their hands. The Iraqi who threw his shoes at President Bush was following his primordial instincts.

Charming.

I think we're really missing out in the United States, giving soccer such a low profile. What does it say about us that we don't pay more attention to a game in which damn near the entire civilized world competes? I used to work at a Dry Cleaner's in North Texas - the owner/manager was a guy from Bangladesh. The guy who ran the back was a guy from El Salvador. Guess what they talked about more than anything else? That's right, motherfucking soccer, a game beloved in both of their home countries. It was especially fun working with them during World Cup. We had the TV out front tuned into the game, and Ali would holler for Hector to come running up front every time the game got tense. We had a lot of late orders during World Cup.

I guarandamntee you, when the Greys or the Vulcans or whatever highly evolved humanoid alien first decides to make contact with us, the advanced primates climbing out of that landing craft will come from a planet that plays some form of soccer. If the United States doesn't give this sport its due, we might have to watch the Xanthars build their first Earth embassy in Brazil.
posted by EatTheWeak at 11:28 AM on March 12 [7 favorites]

When I was a kid, baseball was the most popular sport precisely because it was so demanding.

Demanding? Only in the sense that participating in any boring and arbitrary activity as a kid is demanding. Here is a brief description of my 1st grade through 6th grade little league career:

Offense:
- Sit on the bench 90% of the time, trying to control impulse to run away and do something fun.
- When it's my turn to bat, swing at anything vaguely resembling a strike and try not to get hit in the head or fall over.
- If I end up hitting the ball, ignore the stinging pain of the aluminum bat vibrations and run to first base.
- In the rare chance that I get on base, stand around and wait for the next few guys to get out. This also might involve some running.

Defense:
- If playing in the outfield, stand around, watching the remains of a beautiful summer day slip past. In the rare occurance of a fly ball, try to catch it rather than getting hit in the head or falling over.
- If playing first base, stand close to the base, and every time someone hits the ball, walk over a few feet to the base and wait for someone to throw it to me. In the case of a ground ball right at me, put my glove down and pray that the ball doesn't bounce up off the poorly groomed field and hit me in the face.
posted by burnmp3s at 11:29 AM on March 12 [26 favorites]

Clearly he hasn't seen Shaolin Soccer.
posted by Pronoiac at 11:29 AM on March 12 [4 favorites]

This reminds me of one time when I was listening to Rush (Limbaugh) around 1996 or so. It was on some day whenever there was either some major finding about tobacco, or maybe it was when a tobacco settlement had come down from the courts. Limbaugh kept talking for hours about some middle-school boy who had "ruptured his testicle" (or had his testicle ruptured) or some such thing, playing soccer. Limbaugh was outraged, and demanding that someone step up to hold soccer accountable for mutilating the future of American, and so on.

It was so insane that even the people who call in to talk to Limbaugh, even they were saying things like, "is this a parody of some sort?" I can remember someone calling in with a yokel twang in his voice asking him to explain what he was saying because he couldn't follow along with how this tied in to tobacco. Limbaugh's response was that there was a REAL problem that was not being discussed by the media, ball mutilation at the hands (feet) of soccer. Instead, they wanted to focus all their liberal energy on tearing down jobs and what have you of the tobacco people.

Entertainment.
posted by 8 Bit at 11:31 AM on March 12 [2 favorites]

I watched some of the World Cup a couple years ago and it was actually pretty exciting. Three major reasons:

1) The action doesn't stop. Sure, they don't score much, but neither do they call time out much or stand around spitting while an idiot broadcaster fills time with ad copy (if you are lucky).

2) The action is simple. It's pretty clear what each team is trying to do. Archetypal. Whereas the arcanity of football is hard to pierce.

3) Team identification (that is, a viewer identifying with a team) feels a lot less arbitrary, at least during the World Cup. With national sports, they trade these guys around and none of them really have anything to do with the region or city they are representing. Prhaps it's more my ignorance of trades and so forth, but it seems like soccer teams are more or less composed of people from the country the team represents. (Then again, promoting more "realistic" nationalism might not be a good thing.)
posted by DU at 11:32 AM on March 12 [1 favorite]

Now I know that arguments against Americans playing soccer are just as insipid as arguments for. So I got something out of this.
posted by Edgewise at 11:33 AM on March 12

well, Baseball has better snacks, and I like all the pageantry and stuff.

So it's kind of like being Catholic?
posted by Hypocrite_Lecteur at 11:33 AM on March 12 [16 favorites]

I hate these arguments that follow from strange "philosophical" premises based on murky metaphors. There seems to be a lot of sports writing that's full of sentimental pablum in that style.
posted by delmoi at 11:35 AM on March 12 [1 favorite]

Everything that's wrong with soccer according to this article, is in fact everything that's wrong with how soccer is coached and played in the US. And it doesn't make sense even in that context e.g.

Americans would never invent a sport where the better you get the less you score.

This coming immediately after a paragraph hailing the wonders of baseball, where a perfect game is one in which you don't even get a hit, never mind a score.

the margins of victory are almost always too narrow to afford any gloating

Has this guy ever seen a football crowd in the UK, never mind somewhere like Turkey or South America?

Typical homourless conservative screed, attacking the wrong cause of a non-existent problem by invoking mom and apple pie. Or, totally shit parody. Either way, pretty garbage.
posted by Jakey at 11:38 AM on March 12 [1 favorite]

Wait, this isn't satire? Seriously?
posted by DU at 11:40 AM on March 12 [1 favorite]

4) And then there is the question of gender. I know my daughter will kick me when she reads this, but soccer is a game for girls. Girls are too smart to waste an entire day playing baseball, and they do not have the bloodlust for football. Soccer penalizes shoving and burns countless calories, and the margins of victory are almost always too narrow to afford any gloating. As a display of nearly death-defying stamina, soccer mimics the paradigmatic feminine experience of childbirth more than the masculine business of destroying your opponent with insurmountable power.

LOL what?
posted by delmoi at 11:45 AM on March 12 [2 favorites]

Wait, this isn't satire? Seriously?
posted by DU at 2:40 PM on March 12 [+] [!]

Yeah, seriously. Sad, innit?
posted by cimbrog at 11:47 AM on March 12

Christ - and I use that pointedly - at least it's not as bad as football.

Men who train endlessly for 10 second bursts of action. Women on the sidelines who never interact with the men but appear only as titilation. Grunting, sweating, much handling of balls. It's American sexuality laid bare.
posted by GuyZero at 11:48 AM on March 12 [7 favorites]

What does it say about us that we don't pay more attention to a game in which damn near the entire civilized world competes?

That you won't play any sport where other countries expect to be able to compete against you in the "World Series".
posted by signal at 11:50 AM on March 12 [5 favorites]

There are a couple of non–US-born baseball players of note, I should point out.
posted by Mister_A at 11:52 AM on March 12

by the end I was wondering if this was suppose to be faint satire

I'm guessing that Professor Webb is trying to kid on the square. Undoubtedly, his colleagues have watched him develop this routine at lunches, meetings, and faculty parties. I would dearly love to hear him tell it in person.
posted by octobersurprise at 11:54 AM on March 12

America was ruined by the lack of teaching kids Precision in Language.
posted by lalochezia at 11:55 AM on March 12 [1 favorite]

Yeah, and Basket-ball, Golf, Baseball, Hand-Ball, Volley-Ball.......all use every part of the body.
posted by zouhair at 11:56 AM on March 12

the margins of victory are almost always too narrow to afford any gloating

I've seen British friend gloat over their club pulling off a 0-0 game. This seems strange to me, and I like soccer. There must be strategy in a draw but it goes over my head.
posted by mannequito at 11:56 AM on March 12

You know what I blame this on the downfall of? Society.

Do kids ever say, “Trick or Treat, smell my hands”? Did Jesus wash his disciples’ hands at the Last Supper? No, hands are divine (they are one of the body parts most frequently attributed to God), while feet are in need of redemption. In all the portraits of God’s wrath, never once is he pictured as wanting to step on us or kick us; he does not stoop that low.

This is a joke, right?

As a display of nearly death-defying stamina, soccer mimics the paradigmatic feminine experience of childbirth more than the masculine business of destroying your opponent with insurmountable power.

This is a joke, right?
posted by ALongDecember at 11:56 AM on March 12

Joke or not joke, this piece of writing sucks shit on every level except that all the words appear to be spelled correctly.
posted by josher71 at 12:05 PM on March 12 [2 favorites]

the masculine business of destroying your opponent with insurmountable power

Well, that's certainly not deep in the closet.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 12:05 PM on March 12 [7 favorites]

I guess it's on the eye of the beholder...
posted by qvantamon at 12:06 PM on March 12

My High School Football coach used to say the same thing but more succinctly about the Soccer team on the field next to us (Well really half a field , one half for the girls, one half for the boys - Football had 3 full fields) - "A Bunch of Communists and Homosexuals looking to take our things"

Have you ever seen a soccer player drinking water?
No. They drink only pure grain....

Wait. This guy has already made a fluoridation reference. It's impossible to mock, a perfect self parody.
posted by atrazine at 12:07 PM on March 12

All sports are boring to watch. The point is to play.
posted by Eideteker at 12:07 PM on March 12 [3 favorites]

I'm pretty sure this is a light-hearted attempt at something...
posted by Mister_A at 12:08 PM on March 12

To be fair, Webb seems like a sort of lovable dork, judging from his wikipedia entry. This:

"He co-founded the Christian Vegetarian Association (ChristianVeg.com), but was removed from his position as co-chairman in 2006 after writing several articles in which he admitted to eating meat occasionally, while promoting vegetarianism."

is pretty funny. And his work on "theo-acoustics," or the theology of noise sounds delightfully wacky.

"He also discusses the role of deafness in Christian history and various theological debates over the question of how God created the world through sound. He ends that book talking about wordless music and the decline of authenitc vocalization in rock and roll, so it was a natural progression to turn Bob Dylan in his next book ..."

How awesome is that?
posted by octobersurprise at 12:10 PM on March 12 [3 favorites]

There's something about soccer that makes some American right-wing essayists go completely bugfuck insane. A highlight is this National Review essay by Stephen Moore that calls soccer "the Marxist concept of the labor theory of value applied to sports." It's indicative of how Republicans are trying to scare the bejesus out of us by saying "Obama's going to turn America to Europe!" yet most people to the left of Attila the Hun are not frightened by this at all.
posted by jonp72 at 12:13 PM on March 12 [3 favorites]

Metafilter sexuality: Grunting, sweating, much handling of balls.
posted by jonp72 at 12:15 PM on March 12 [1 favorite]

The thumb lets us do things like ... fold our hands in prayer

....*folds hands as if praying.... stares at hands*

Maybe I'm doing it wrong but, Thumbs seem to have very little to do with folding "our hands in prayer."
posted by srw12 at 12:15 PM on March 12 [1 favorite]

What am I even supposed to say to this? There's no way to hit the ball out of the park because it's already been hit. It's already sailing over the bleachers, off into the sunny blue sky, with this dumb fucking professor in blissful tow...
posted by seagull.apollo at 12:15 PM on March 12 [1 favorite]

...because it is all about death and despair

No it's more important than that.
posted by Webbster at 12:16 PM on March 12 [5 favorites]

If Obama turns America into Europe, we'll have light rail! Yay!
posted by Mister_A at 12:17 PM on March 12 [5 favorites]

"It creates an egalitarian playing field by rigorously enforcing a uniform disability."

I wouldn't call this "a liberal's dream of tragedy" as much as I'd call it "a handy game design principle." All games enforce some kind of constraint on action---often specifically for the purpose of leveling what would otherwise be fun-killing advantages in skill. It's one of the things that makes playing games different from just, like, doing stuff. Also,

[H]ands are divine (they are one of the body parts most frequently attributed to God), while feet are in need of redemption

Goalies use their hands in soccer, and their purpose is to guard the goal---to make, as it were, saves. Viewed this way, soccer could be said not to be contrary to Christian values---filthy feet kicking things all over the place---but the very model of the experience of the divine: the skillful use of hands protects us from the evil machinations of God's most hated appendage.
posted by aparrish at 12:17 PM on March 12 [8 favorites]

To all the idiots in this thread who assert that soccer is not played in America, I ask that you pry your pale white hands away from your keyboards and trot around your local neighborhoods on a Saturday or Sunday.

Your favorite sport sucks!
posted by sfts2 at 12:17 PM on March 12 [1 favorite]

This dude needs to go to a Galatasaray/Palathanaikos game. He'll come out a fucking quivering wreck.
posted by PenDevil at 12:17 PM on March 12 [3 favorites]

After long and careful consideration I've decided that this man is a genius. He's actually managing to pull this off.
posted by metaBugs at 12:23 PM on March 12 [4 favorites]

You may think baseball is boring, but it offers one thing that soccer does not -- finality. The pitch crosses the plate and something happens. Something that is defined, measured and scored.

Defined, measured, scored, analyzed, sorted into one of thirty-eight catgories, cross-referenced in thirteen different matrices, and filed in triplicate. I can't think of a better way to suck the life out of an otherwise decent sport.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 12:26 PM on March 12 [1 favorite]

Well what do you expect?

Soccer fans have an uncanny ability to reveal man's raw sinfulness.

Soccer, Heavy Metal music and Violent Video Games.

It's the Satanic trinity that's tearing down America from the inside people!
posted by Otis at 12:31 PM on March 12

To all the idiots in this thread who assert that soccer is not played in America, I ask that you pry your pale white hands away from your keyboards and trot around your local neighborhoods on a Saturday or Sunday.

Word.
Even here in cornfield-strewn Indiana, every damn high-school, and damn-near every middle school, has boys and girls soccer. Add to that the club leagues (Star, in our area) and you'd be hard-pressed to not find a game somewhere.

Both my kids played club soccer beginning when they were in kindergarten, and continued through middle-school. My daughter continued through high-school as a varsity starter. I will admit that, through all those years, I'm still foggy on some of the rules, and cannot identify when a team is offsides to save my soul, but it's a hell of an athletic game and has a certain purity about it that few, if any, "real american" sports enjoy anymore.
posted by Thorzdad at 12:36 PM on March 12

1) Any sport that limits you to using your feet, with the occasional bang of the head, has something very wrong with it. Indeed, soccer is a liberal’s dream of tragedy: It creates an egalitarian playing field by rigorously enforcing a uniform disability.

This is where I quit reading, because it told me all I really needed to know about the author.
posted by lordrunningclam at 12:37 PM on March 12 [1 favorite]

Defined, measured, scored, analyzed, sorted into one of thirty-eight catgories, cross-referenced in thirteen different matrices, and filed in triplicate.

Yeah! Can you smell what's cookin'? That's AMERICA.

:-)
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 12:40 PM on March 12

Man, I remember having this argument with the football players in seventh grade.
posted by oneironaut at 12:41 PM on March 12

I hope Palin and Limbaugh pick this guy in 2012 to act as their campaign manager.
posted by Damn That Television at 12:44 PM on March 12

Joke or not joke, this piece of writing sucks shit on every level except that all the words appear to be spelled correctly.
posted by josher71 at 7:05 PM on March 12

Nope. He even cocks that up: Soccer and relevision are the peanut butter and jelly of parenting.
"Even the way most games end, in sudden death, suggests something of an old-fashioned duel. How could anyone enjoy a game where so much energy results in so little advantage, and which typically ends with a penalty kick out, as if it is the audience that needs to be put out of its misery."
Eh? a majority of games end in sudden death penalty shoot-outs - what demonic code of football are they playing to?

This guy seems to be saying what is the point of 'soccer'? Then says "Soccer is the perfect antidote to television and video games. It forces kids to run and run, and everyone can play their role, no matter how minor or irrelevant to the game." He answers his own question but doesn't realise it.
posted by dash_slot- at 12:44 PM on March 12

I'm pretty sure this is a light-hearted attempt at something...

Xenophobia, I think. Strikes me, anyway, as one of those things where the author has adopted the tone of lighthearted self-mockery to mask a big thick streak of old-fashioned bigot. It's like hey I'm a smallminded asshole but I'm sorta self-aware about it so don't hate me for it and don't I have a point anyway about how we'd all be better off without the Jews soccer players?

Both PJ O'Rourke and Dennis Miller started to really suck around the time this style became a big part of their default approach to humour. This guy, on the other hand, was probably never funny, but he likes jokes and he thinks he's the funniest guy in the room most of the time and who are we to tell him otherwise?

Wabash College, eh? Must be one fine education those boys are getting.
posted by gompa at 12:47 PM on March 12 [2 favorites]

Wow, upon a second read, I believe this character is serious with this drivel. It's pretty clear that his exposure to the game has been limited to pre-schoolers chasing the ball around in big hive and then being given juice boxes after the match ends in yet another "tie."

As someone who's loved and played the game for 40 years, I'm accustomed to hearing such ignorant bullshit from fellow Americans who think NFL "football" is the apex of sporting evolution. 99% of these same people typically have never seen a real match.

If it were such a tedious game, would the rest of the planet be so enthralled with it?

LFC ... You'll Never Walk Alone
posted by VicNebulous at 12:50 PM on March 12 [3 favorites]

Someone should tell these guys.
posted by PenDevil at 12:50 PM on March 12 [1 favorite]

Heh, this substitution actually works pretty well:

"The linear, two-dimensional action of basketball is like the rocking of a boat but without any storm and while the boat has not even left the dock. Think of two posses pursuing their prey in opposite directions without any bullets in their guns. Basketball is the fluoridation of the American sporting scene.

[...]

1) Any sport that limits you to using your hands has something very wrong with it. Indeed, Basketball is a liberal’s dream of tragedy: It creates an egalitarian playing field by rigorously enforcing a uniform disability. Anthropologists commonly define man according to his use of feet. We have the big toe, an enlarged and strengthened digit that God gave us to distinguish us from animals that walk on all fours. The big toe lets us do things like stand upright and walk the world to do God's work. We can even write with our feet. Have you ever seen a deaf person trying to talk with their feet? [OK, he's got me there!] When you are really angry and acting like an animal, you punch out with your fists. Only fools kick a wall with their toes.

The dude who punched another dude was following his primordial instincts. Showing someone your middle finger, or sticking your palm in someone’s face, is the ultimate sign of disrespect. Do kids ever say, "pull my toe"... [etc, etc...]"

Incidentally, as a product of the British school system I can assure you that soccer, as it's played here, is a passionately-fought battle full of tactics, long-term strategies, creative fouling and surreptitious violence. I still find it dull as paint to watch but I think that about almost all sports and most of the country (heck, continent) strongly disagrees with me.
posted by metaBugs at 12:50 PM on March 12 [2 favorites]

And a footnote: I also have "the beautiful game" to thank for landing my daughter an education at a top university (not Wabash). How much does that suck?
posted by VicNebulous at 12:52 PM on March 12

More boring than Golf? GOLF? Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?????
I'd rather shit barbed wire than watch one hole of fucking golf.

Also, I can smell his thought process:

Yep, I gotta play the gender angle and stay true my pipe smoking/cognac-drinking/tweed jacketed/shitty goatee'd friends:
I know my daughter will kick me when she reads this, but soccer is a game for girls.

...but I must guarantee a steady supply of poontang
Girls are too smart to waste an entire day playing baseball...

I hate guys my age who write like they're seventy.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 12:55 PM on March 12 [4 favorites]

What a sexist old wanker.
posted by kldickson at 1:05 PM on March 12

A philosophy professor? Ah yes, AOS: Douchefucktology.
posted by rudster at 1:12 PM on March 12

I've seen British friend gloat over their club pulling off a 0-0 game. This seems strange to me, and I like soccer. There must be strategy in a draw but it goes over my head.

Often it's a David & Goliath thing. As a poor American football analogy, say you're rooting for the Topeka Thunders or whatever, just because you're from around there and you don't have much of a choice: in association football, team alignment is all but genetically handed down the generations -- ask someone from Manchester, or Milan, or Istanbul.

Now, they're up against the NY Giants or some such -- if they are still any good, I know next to nothing about the NFL. Like, one of the best teams around. You know your side can't win, and it will probably be a rout. But, through sheer persistence, clever strategems and a truckload of luck, your puny side manages to keep the team with all of their star players and fifteen times your club's budget on their toes so much that they score not even once against you. That's pretty impressive.

Like you see in politics from time to time (for example, Obama losing the Indiana primary last year by much less than conventional wisdom suggested he 'should' have), sometimes a draw or even a narrow loss is much more satisfying than a victorious rout.

I don't think I have much of a chance of convincing Mr. Webb of this though.

But wait, maybe if I almost convince him....
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 1:13 PM on March 12

Soccer is boring, any game where you can still see the ball when it's televised is boring and too damn slow.
posted by Elmore at 1:13 PM on March 12

The United States America is doomed.

I'm sick of people confusing continents with countries.
posted by trueluk at 1:13 PM on March 12

Well you'll never be without something to complain about, that's for sure.
posted by Artw at 1:17 PM on March 12

God, that was depressing, as xenophobic paranoia often is.

And I love my football - when played well, as I saw it played the other week in Spain - it is an amazingly skilful dance.

And sometimes it's sitting in the cold and the rain watching Wycombe Wanderers beat Exeter City 1-0 in the LDV Trophy first round.
posted by athenian at 1:22 PM on March 12 [1 favorite]

That was too stupid to not be satire.


As someone who's loved and played the game for 40 years, I'm accustomed to hearing such ignorant bullshit from fellow Americans who think NFL "football" is the apex of sporting evolution.

We're not all like that. I've only followed soccer (not MLS- I hate that league) for ten years and it's much better than the all of the major U.S. sports- which have all been dumbed-down to appease the typical ADD-addled American. When I'm in Italy I go to all of the Siena home matches, some Milan, Bologna, and Roma as well. I've been to all of the major venues in London. It's fucking fantastic. I can't believe how I missed out on this for so long.

And believe me, I loved the NBA and the NFL. But now it's all salary-capped, socialist garbage where defense is frowned on and commercial breaks are completely out of control.

And baseball should be ashamed of itself. It's actually boring now because of the emphasis on home runs and scoring. All of the stadiums in the U.S. are nothing but food courts with a playing field (or ice) in the middle.

America has completely lost the plot when it comes to sports.
posted by Zambrano at 1:24 PM on March 12

I'm sick of people confusing continents with countries.

I'm sick of people who are incapable of understanding that a word may have more than one meaning, and that sometimes which meaning is applicable must be gathered from the context.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 1:29 PM on March 12 [7 favorites]

Hurling! Now that's a sport! Rugby with clubs!
posted by cmoj at 1:36 PM on March 12 [2 favorites]

Soccer is full of immeasurable things.

At the end of the day its goals that count.
posted by biffa at 1:40 PM on March 12 [2 favorites]

I've seen British friend gloat over their club pulling off a 0-0 game. This seems strange to me, and I like soccer. There must be strategy in a draw but it goes over my head.

There's also when you are playing in a cup competition and your team is playing away (where the other other team has an advantage) and manage to hold them to a draw (when say you would be expected to loose) then there's a replay at your home ground where you have an advantage (plus your club can make some money).
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 1:49 PM on March 12

I was positive it was satire and you all just weren't getting the joke, then I got a look at his thoughts on evolution, multiculturalism (christ was against it, who knew?) and other stuff. He's serious, he takes thoughts very seriously, and I'm speechless. Now I'm with Damn That Television, I want at least an cultural adviser on the Palin 2012 ticket, then maybe--oh please, oh please--he'll do the Colbert Report.
posted by tula at 1:49 PM on March 12 [1 favorite]

While soccer will never break into the top three in US sports (maybe someday it could surpass hockey) I never understand why people like this nutjob and Jim Rome get all mad (read threatened) about it. I loves me some baseball, NFL, and maybe a bit of basketball, but I don't feel threatened by them displacing the beautiful game across the world.

P.S. My guys just kicked Real Madrid's ass seven shades of shite on Tuesday. Just sayin.
posted by Nick Verstayne at 1:50 PM on March 12

Hey, come on, now. I like baseball. Soccer's alright, too, if only for how easy it is to get a game together, and how you don't have to go into a lot of detail explaining the rules.

But jai-alai, man. What's that all about?
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 2:00 PM on March 12

Soccer's alright, too, if only for how easy it is to get a game together, and how you don't have to go into a lot of detail explaining the rules.

What's 'offside'?
posted by Artw at 2:09 PM on March 12

Man, I really feel like going out and kicking teh ball around now.
posted by subaruwrx at 2:10 PM on March 12

Artw: What's offside?

A foul committed when an attacking player standing closer to the goal than the last defender has the ball passed in his direction. It's less complex than it seems.
posted by athenian at 2:17 PM on March 12 [1 favorite]

That you won't play any sport where other countries expect to be able to compete against you in the "World Series".

We don't?
posted by Bonzai at 2:18 PM on March 12 [1 favorite]

I toured Wabash College once. Its an all male Christian school.

All male, yes, Christian, no. No. Wabash tend to attract more conservative types and was hell for a friend of mine who's gay, but I have at least two other gay buddies who went, loved the place and continue to extol it.

Wabash is 100% independent and non-sectarian. Not remotely a "Christian" college.
posted by ethnomethodologist at 2:19 PM on March 12

Wasn't there a Canadian team composed of Americans* in the World Series once?

* USians if you prefer.
posted by Artw at 2:33 PM on March 12

Wasn't expecting to read about this here.
posted by cimbrog at 2:45 PM on March 12 [1 favorite]

Holy crap, I doubt I will read anything more stupid than that piece in the rest of '09. And we're only still in March. And I read a LOT of stupid shit for fun.
posted by Iosephus at 2:47 PM on March 12

A foul committed when an attacking player standing closer to the goal than the last defender has the ball passed in his direction. It's less complex than it seems.

Unfortunately it has become a lot more complex of late (not that I agree entirely with your understanding of the offside rule in any case).

First off, there needs to be two defenders between the attacking player and the goal
* one of them may be the goalkeeper, maybe not
* if the ball is in front of the attacking player, he is not offside
* if the attacking player is not materially affecting play (i.e. is "inactive") he is not offside
*he may, however, become active, and if he does so, and if he has gained an advantage from being in an offside position, a free kick will be awarded to the offending team.
* if the ball is played to the attacker by a member of the opposite team, he is not offside
* if the ball is put in play from a throw-in he is not offside (nor is he offside from a corner kick, but that's just obvious, as the he cannot be on the pitch and be in front of the ball from a corner kick.
* if there is doubt in the minds of the officials as to whether or not an attcking player is offside (i.e., if he's level with the second to last defender, if there is no clear daylight between them) then the presumption should be that the attacker is onside.

I played the game for a long time, to a reasonable standard, and the rules have changed since I hoofed the ball out of defence in and around West London all those years ago. I don't always agree with the rules, nor am I certain that I have captured them all here. Granted, they did used to be a lot easier than the current guidance.
posted by Nick Verstayne at 2:58 PM on March 12

If dude wants to rail against a dump sport, start with cricket. I mean, really. Wearing white? Long pants? Sweaters??
posted by GuyZero at 3:04 PM on March 12

All remnants of a collective race memory of a horrifying intergalactic war.
posted by Artw at 3:06 PM on March 12 [4 favorites]

A free kick will of course NOT be awarded to the offending team. Silly me. Against is what I meant.
posted by Nick Verstayne at 3:07 PM on March 12

* USians if you prefer.

I don't, fyi.
posted by dersins at 3:08 PM on March 12

Promotion and relegation = capitalism

Revenue sharing, drafts, waivers, salary caps, etc = socialism
posted by Stylus Happenstance at 3:11 PM on March 12 [3 favorites]

Speaking of Cricket, better men than I have tried to explain the LBW rule to Americans (or any other folks from non cricketing nations) over a few beers down at the Dog & Duck on a Sunday morning. They usually ask to go back to the offside rule conversation because they have some hope of someday actually getting it.
posted by Nick Verstayne at 3:11 PM on March 12

I'm guessing that Professor Webb is trying to kid on the square.

Well, he did publish this on a blog called "On The Square." This is one of those crappy articles that, when the author is called on it for his stupidity, retreats with "It was a joke! It was supposed to be funny!" Yes, it's a form of kidding on the square, but he's asking to be excused not only for his stupidity but for for not being funny by explaining that he was trying to be funny.

And, yeah, outrage about soccer is a staple of being a right-wing outrage-pundit. Webb is just trying to get his ticket punched with this one.
posted by deanc at 3:13 PM on March 12

Unfortunately it has become a lot more complex of late

Me: "... And that's the definition of the offsides rule in soccer."

My Best Friend: "Couldn't you have just said, 'There's no cherry-picking?'"

Me: "Umm. Yeah. Well, I guess that's ... the ... same ... thing ... you know, I really fucking hate you."
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 3:13 PM on March 12 [1 favorite]

The British use the word "Sport" rather than "Sports" because they only play one. Everything else falls under the category "Games."
posted by Sys Rq at 3:33 PM on March 12 [2 favorites]

*looks down at Welsh Rugby Union shirt*

I'll just see myself out, then.
posted by kalimac at 4:10 PM on March 12 [1 favorite]

Soccer was invented by European ladies to keep them busy while their husbands did the cooking.
posted by gyc at 5:31 PM on March 12

You may think baseball is boring, but it offers one thing that soccer does not -- finality.

Baseball and tennis are unique in this regard, in that it really never is over until it is over. It's not ridiculously impossible to come back from 4-0 with one out left, or come back from 0-6, 0-5. Just one game at a time ...

Soccer is my favorite sport, but when it's 4- or 3-0 with 30 minutes left or so (depending on the level of players), it's a done deal. Same with basketball, football, etc.
posted by mrgrimm at 6:14 PM on March 12

Any sport that limits you to using your feet, with the occasional bang of the head, has something very wrong with it. Indeed, soccer is a liberal’s dream of tragedy: It creates an egalitarian playing field by rigorously enforcing a uniform disability.

Actually I kind of agree with this. They ought to allow hitting the ball with your hands--not carry it, which would be closer to rugby, but more like a cross between soccer and volley ball.

Talking about sports that are feminine:
when I was in high school playing baseball, which in my lack-of-coordination case meant being in the far outfield where I wouldn't do much damage, I'd be standing there doing nothing (as burnmp3s describes nicely) and look over at the next field, filled with women playing...field hockey--

full teams of women running toward each carrying big heavy clubs, without any protective gear.

What the heck? Do they still do this? Is field hockey still considered a woman's sport in US high schools?
posted by eye of newt at 6:15 PM on March 12

If dude wants to rail against a dump sport, start with cricket. I mean, really. Wearing white? Long pants? Sweaters??

Try standing in the blazing hot sun for six hours wearing black.
posted by awfurby at 6:40 PM on March 12

Football. You have a ball, and at some point, a foot comes in contact with it. Or maybe you run around on foot, as opposed to mounted, like polo or jousting.

Because there's football, and then there's football, and then there's also football, and then there's football as well. (There's also football and football, beside.)

The game as we know it here in the 'States stemmed largely from the desire of Harvard and Yale students to beat the hell out of each other in a drunken brawl, and keep score. It was essentially lacrosse, only without the sticks, as they feared students would get killed in larger quantities. To understand gridiron football, you need to understand lacrosse. Only the Irish understand lacrosse, and they still want nothing to do with gridiron football, as, in the words of George Will, it combines the two worst things about America: it is violence punctuated by committee meetings.

This brings me to another point: The Dutch eliminated the Dominican Republic in the World Baseball Classic. This is a bit like Canada eliminating France or Italy from the World Cup.

This is apropos of nothing, apart from the freakin' Dutch beat the Dominican Republic!

I think I had a point, but I've had a lot of beer tonight, and it was Belgian tripel, and they speak Flemish, which is close to Dutch, and oh, yeah! Only the most privileged children in America are brought up to play soccer and, sometimes, lacrosse. The most privileged children in America generally don't need to pin their hopes and dreams on professional sports to be successful in later life, so only dilettantes are playing soccer at an advanced level here.

So, Soccer's just fine where it is. Under the stylish-this-year-over-skinny-jeans jackboot of the Soccer Moms.
posted by Slap*Happy at 6:43 PM on March 12 [2 favorites]

You won't play any sport where other countries expect to be able to compete against you in the "World Series".

Tell that to Ollie Kahn.
posted by stargell at 6:48 PM on March 12

mannequite: I've seen British friend gloat over their club pulling off a 0-0 game. This seems strange to me, and I like soccer. There must be strategy in a draw but it goes over my head.

Harvard Beats Yale 29-29.

VicNebulous: Wow, upon a second read

And you yet live?!
posted by Kattullus at 7:03 PM on March 12

Metafilter: violence punctuated by committee meetings
posted by Nice Guy Mike at 7:10 PM on March 12

Only dilettantes are playing soccer at an advanced level here.

Hey man, don't tread.

Tim Howard, Landon Donovan, Clint Mathis and Freddy Adu all grew up in single-parent households raised by their mothers. Jozy Altidore's parents are Haitian immigrants who met on a bus.
posted by stargell at 7:13 PM on March 12

I really enjoyed this comment by Sam M. to the blog entry by Daniel Larison about the essay that cimbrog linked to:

"Every year, by the way, I ask my composition students to name the two most controversial, divisive topics in America today. They guess abortion. War. Etc. I let them go for a while until I say, “Soccer. And WalMart.” They sit there stunned for a second. Then one person opens his mouth and… BOOM.

It has almost come to fisticuffs. Twice."
posted by Kattullus at 7:16 PM on March 12 [2 favorites]

I like watching just about ANY sport, and I'm a chubby artsy white lady who doesn't understand that much of it. WTF is wrong with sports fans, anyway? Just relax and enjoy the amazing athletes.

Golf sucks though. That insipid clapping and the little visors makesl me want a flamethrower.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 7:20 PM on March 12

When I was a kid, baseball was the most popular sport precisely because it was so demanding.

When I was a kid there weren't youth soccer leagues and my parents made me do SOMETHING, so I joined little league baseball and literally LAY DOWN IN RIGHT FIELD.

Yeah, really taxing that.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 7:27 PM on March 12 [1 favorite]

Scene: California little league diamond, 1988.

Coach: (shouts) Hey Amber, look alive out there! Stop... chewing... on your glove! Gotta be ready to hustle!!

Me: Mmm. Salty.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 7:31 PM on March 12 [2 favorites]

* USians if you prefer.

No, we don't. Seriously, eff soccer and Wal-Mart I am THIS CLOSE to coming to blows over this. Give me a term that's an actual WORD that's pronouceable without being misheard/misread as "Asian" and we'll talk. Until then, AMERICAN is because AMERICA is in the NAME OF THE COUNTRY.

*puts up dukes.*
posted by grapefruitmoon at 7:35 PM on March 12

Tim Howard, Landon Donovan, Clint Mathis and Freddy Adu all grew up in single-parent households raised by their mothers. Jozy Altidore's parents are Haitian immigrants who met on a bus.

Once soccer really takes off with lower-income Americans, the world better watch out.
posted by Stylus Happenstance at 7:38 PM on March 12

Oh, and your favorite sport does not suck.
posted by stargell at 7:39 PM on March 12

I stopped reading at "golfers are well-attired".
posted by dydecker at 8:22 PM on March 12

I stopped reading at "golfers are well-attired".

it's all the well drinks at the 19th hole that causes that
posted by pyramid termite at 8:41 PM on March 12

this article is really terrible. it does, however, remind me of how much i love playing soccer.
posted by localhuman at 9:34 PM on March 12

The United States America is doomed.

I'm sick of people confusing continents with countries.


No. North America is a continent. South America is a continent. The United States of America is a country. America in common usage. No one is confused. And USian is ridiculous.

Dumb article, though I'm always glad for an excuse to talk about soccer. Whoever said upthread that there's tons of soccer played in America is right on. Between organized leagues and pick-up games, I get to play several days a week (all seven if my husband wouldn't divorce me over it).

As for watching it, the English, Italian, and Spanish leagues have some fantastic games week in and week out. I was glued to my screen this week with all the CL games, and yes, that was an epic ass-kicking Liverpool handed out. Awesome.
posted by JenMarie at 2:12 AM on March 13

Jesus saves!

But God knocks it in on the rebound.

/bumper sticker
posted by asok at 4:19 AM on March 13

LBW (Leg Before Wicket): The job of the bowler is to knock over the wicket with the ball. The job of the batsman is to defend the wicket, but only with the bat. If any part of his body defends the wicket, it's a foul and he's out, even if the contact with the ball is not volitional. Most commonly that part of his body will be a leg, so the principle has been codified as the Leg Before Wicket rule.

Similarly, the offside rule is there to dissuade teams from having a player who just loiters about next to the goal behind the defending team, picking up long passes and knocking them in. As this could be quite a convenient way of getting goals, strategists may have looked at the rules to find ways round it, so the rules themselves have been modified in order to be very specific about what is not allowed: the behaviours described may seem complex and odd, but in both cases the principles addressed are very simple.
posted by Grangousier at 5:08 AM on March 13 [1 favorite]

DU: Prhaps it's more my ignorance of trades and so forth, but it seems like soccer teams are more or less composed of people from the country the team represents.

Not really, anymore. Sadly. Your average club team will probably only have a few locals. They end up being the most loved players at the club though; because they tend to be fans of the club themselves, so they really share the rivalries and hatreds felt by the supporters (e.g. Gary Neville at Manchester United or Jamie Carragher at Liverpool).

Also, someone should tell this idiot that the reason there are more points in his article than in a game of soccer is because soccer players score goals, not points. (Even then, I think the number of points is none each).
posted by Infinite Jest at 6:35 AM on March 13

USians if you prefer

No, we don't.

If you'll allow me a brief digression or two, I'll explain why this is a mellifluous, even charming way of naming those who live between the Gulf coast and the 49th.

Call it a tic or a national failing, but America is not called often America in Canada: it is commonly referred to as "the States" or "the US", or "the United States", if one is being formal. So the problem then arises, what does one call a resident of such a country? "American" is what they call themselves, so most of us use that, as is only polite, but it is tempting, even natural, to write that as "usians", from the more commonly-used (in Canadian speech) name for that country. Also, it tweaks Americans' noses, and that's always fun.

But how does one pronounce "usian"? us-ian? I submit that it's more euphonious, even appropriate to use yoo-sian. In Greek, the syllable "eu" refers to joy or pleasure. It's pronounced "yoo". Eunoia is a state or mood of bliss, for example. So if one pronounces "usian" as yoo-sian, one is reminded of one of those three principals on which the country was founded.

While the US may not be an entirely happy land, seeing the construction "USian" reminds me that, for its faults, the USA strives for something better in the world. Is it a bad thing to be called an agent for joy?
posted by bonehead at 7:39 AM on March 13 [2 favorites]

Don't argue with anyone who uses "USian"! Just make a mental note to think slightly less of them, as thought they were slightly underdressed for an important function, and move along with your day.
posted by Kwine at 7:50 AM on March 13 [2 favorites]

That's right, I think less of people who even think of being underdressed, no matter how momentarily. I'm very judgmental that way.
posted by Kwine at 7:53 AM on March 13 [1 favorite]

But how does one pronounce "usian"? us-ian? I submit that it's more euphonious, even appropriate to use yoo-sian. In Greek, the syllable "eu" refers to joy or pleasure. It's pronounced "yoo". Eunoia is a state or mood of bliss, for example. So if one pronounces "usian" as yoo-sian, one is reminded of one of those three principals on which the country was founded.

Nice try, bonehead, but we've done this a million times. The people who don't like "USians" aren't going to start using it, and the people who do like it will continue to use it. And that goes for all the UKians, EUians, and even the former USSRians in the house.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 9:28 AM on March 13 [1 favorite]

One suspects that Americans will never truly get Association football (it is NOT called 'soccer'), just as Europeans (and especially Brits, Spaniards and Italians) will never truly get American football.

C'est la vie!

Pavement/Sidewalk. Tomato/Tomato. Lets call the whole thing off, etc..
posted by metaxa at 12:02 PM on March 13

(it is NOT called 'soccer'),

Tomato/Tomato. Lets call the whole thing off

Um, that seems contradictory. Either you're descriptivist or prescriptivist. No wait, actually it's either you're descriptivist, or you're wrong. I mean, you *know* that Americans call it soccer, right? Which by the way is derived from "asSOCiation football". So, regardless of the "rest of the world" calling it football, that timeless canard (seriously, what's football in Cantonese?), in the context of American English it really *is* called "soccer". Personally I try to remember to use "association football" in an international context, but that's just because it is unambiguous yet dialect-neutral.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 12:32 PM on March 13 [1 favorite]

You know who also doesn't like soccer?

Rush Limbaugh, that's who.
posted by sour cream at 12:33 PM on March 13

UKian is ambiguous; you might be referring to the periods when Denmark and Norway, or Sweden and Norway, were united under a common monarch, or to some other actual or potential union of kingdoms under a single monarch.

The proper term is and can only be UKoGBaNIan.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 1:49 PM on March 13 [3 favorites]

Ukogbanians have a racial modifier for snark.
posted by Artw at 2:35 PM on March 13

Americans would never invent a sport where the better you get the less you score.

True aficionados of our National Pastime do in fact appreciate what is known as a pitcher's duel. This is an instance when in fact the better the pitchers, in fact the very best, face off against one another creates a tense, dramatic, and yes low-scoring affair. Instead of runs being scored by the brute force of roid-aided homeruns, or the sloppy play of a fielder, or a pitcher throwing the ball exactly where the batter can hit it best, in the pitcher's duel one can admire that the best hitters will have to work hard to find a way to get on base through patience and a sharp eye.

Yes, pitcher's duels are highly recommended and represent the best of our national game.
posted by Rarebit Fiend at 9:11 PM on March 13 [2 favorites]

You know who also doesn't like soccer?

That's because his team is rubbish
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 3:42 AM on March 14

Yes, pitcher's duels are highly recommended and represent the best of our national game.

Even the humble catcher can make a world of difference. Orioles catcher Rick Dempsey won the MVP award in 1983's World Series. And I don't think it was because of his hitting, at which he was certainly no slouch.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 9:10 AM on March 14

"Soccer is my favorite sport, but when it's 4- or 3-0 with 30 minutes left or so (depending on the level of players), it's a done deal."

From 3-0 down, to 3-4 in 15 minutes.
posted by Auz at 2:24 PM on March 16