I'd like to put my graviton particle beam in HER Jeffries tube...

April 28, 2009 10:53 PM

Given all the attention the new Star Trek movie is generating, it's not surprising that the porn industry is attempting to cash in (SFW). What is surprising is that the production team clearly knows their Star Trek (SFW). Hustler's "This Ain't Star Trek XXX" appears to be a send-up of the classic Trek episode "Space Seed," (heh... space seed). In addition to the reasonable-for-porn casting of Kirk, Spock, and Bones (heh... bones), Hustler takes the effort to be faithful to even the minor characters and costumes (SFW).
posted by Jon_Evil (56 comments total)

Captain, long range scanners are picking up a creature that appears to be composed of pure lust energy *cue porno music*.
posted by BrotherCaine at 10:58 PM on April 28 [1 favorite has favorites]

FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
posted by Effigy2000 at 11:02 PM on April 28

"Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor not a porn star!"
posted by Z1LCH at 11:05 PM on April 28

"Fire protein torpedos!"
posted by BrotherCaine at 11:11 PM on April 28 [32 favorites has favorites]

Why is the wiki link not marked SFW?
posted by Clave at 11:13 PM on April 28 [1 favorite has favorites]

*cue porno music*

it would totally be a funky cover of the Star Trek theme on guitar with a wah-wah pedal.
posted by Jon_Evil at 11:17 PM on April 28

To boldly come where no man has come before...
posted by Phanx at 11:25 PM on April 28 [3 favorites has favorites]

It's funny, but someone at work mentioned this to me just yesterday as it was on the italian news. What exactly is it that makes this spoof so special? I'm still missing it in the provided links. Is it just that the production values are better than the norm? The context that my colleague provided was that the porn industry is going to new lengths to re-capture market share lost to free port on the internet and this is the result.
posted by jadayne at 11:27 PM on April 28

Actually, this gentle spoof really (ahem) nails the classic Trek look – it seems like a considerably more respectful treatment of the material than Abrams's travesty.
posted by RogerB at 11:30 PM on April 28 [1 favorite has favorites]

Set your phasers on pun!
posted by Merik at 11:33 PM on April 28 [5 favorites has favorites]

This is what Star Trek always should have been.

Put it on the screen, Lieutenant Uhura. And then put 'em on the glass.
posted by pracowity at 11:36 PM on April 28 [1 favorite has favorites]

Sasha Grey with pointy ears!

Wow they could do the next one and call it....


drumroll please



Suing You's Gonna Take Forever!
posted by Catblack at 11:45 PM on April 28

Oh, c'mon. Sex Trek has already been done. And Spock had green sperm.

For realsies.
posted by bardic at 11:58 PM on April 28 [1 favorite has favorites]

Somewhere around, I have a reprint mag with an 80s Trek spoof (before they could show penetration or erections, so everyone's kinda drapin' flaccidly on each other).

The "Not The" series is pretty much the only thing earning Hustler Video any cash these days, in part because the vast majority of what they put out is irredeemably awful. Still, Bruce David, the editorial director at Hustler, is likely all giddy about this, since he's a huge Trekkie.

(Oh, and vague notice to the mods—Hustler does pay people to spam comments and links, so maybe we'll see some of them here.)
posted by klangklangston at 12:03 AM on April 29 [2 favorites has favorites]

"THIS AIN'T SEX TREK XXX" IS A LOVINGLY DONE RECREATION OF THE CLASSIC SERIES.

HUSTLER RULES!
posted by Item at 12:06 AM on April 29

Where the fuck's my money, Flynt?
posted by Item at 12:07 AM on April 29

Hope they included at least an eyebrow raise to Kirk/Spock fandom.

And oh, because it's never tired when you've got Klingons off the starboard bow, how bout a little Dwarf Trek?
posted by Catblack at 12:20 AM on April 29

khaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn you do me?
posted by crapmatic at 12:51 AM on April 29 [1 favorite has favorites]

Hustler takes the effort to be faithful

heh
posted by koeselitz at 1:08 AM on April 29

Metafilter : everyone's kinda drapin' flaccidly on each other.
posted by mannequito at 2:25 AM on April 29

If there's no Kirk/Spock, what's the point of even doing it?
posted by kavasa at 2:31 AM on April 29 [2 favorites has favorites]

Strange love a star woman teaches indeed.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 3:23 AM on April 29 [2 favorites has favorites]

This is what every Star Trek fan has always had wet dreams of.
posted by daniel_charms at 4:03 AM on April 29

I always figured Kirk was banging Yeoman Janice over the console between episodes.
posted by fourcheesemac at 4:06 AM on April 29

...takes the effort to be faithful to even the minor characters

But they waxed the Tribbles! That's just not right.
posted by hal9k at 4:18 AM on April 29 [4 favorites has favorites]

This is as clost to Star Trek porn as I can tolerate.

(WARNING: video features loud annoying 80's dance music)
posted by spoobnooble at 4:25 AM on April 29

The good news is, Bones will finally have some doctoring to do...
posted by l33tpolicywonk at 4:31 AM on April 29

Since there have already been porno recreations of "Charley X," "The Man Trap" and "Where No Man Has Gone Before," this isn't quite so surprising.

Wow.

Khan, coming from an earlier time, is more barbaric, more macho and more "bare-chested" than the civilized Kirk...

You have to get undressed pretty early in the morning to be more bare-chested than Kirk.
posted by DU at 4:46 AM on April 29 [7 favorites has favorites]

The Enemy Within...My Pants
A Piece of the Ass-ction
For the World is Hollow and I Have Touched Myself
Spectre of the (Love) Gun (feat. Gene Simmons)
The Devil in Ms. Jones in the Dark
posted by total warfare frown at 5:20 AM on April 29 [6 favorites has favorites]

jadayne: "What exactly is it that makes this spoof so special?... Is it just that the production values are better than the norm?"

The production values are better than the original.
posted by Joe Beese at 5:23 AM on April 29 [6 favorites has favorites]

Strange love a star woman teaches indeed.
posted by Mr. Bad Example

Mr. Bad Example for the win.

I wonder how many are nerdy enough to get it.
posted by Herodios at 6:02 AM on April 29

City on the Edge of Orgasm
Mudd's Horny Women
Dagger of the Pants
The Sodomite Maneuver
Who Slurps For Adonais?
Catscock
The Pornsters of Triskelion
Spock's Wang

Also,

The Naked Time
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 6:15 AM on April 29

Holy shit, Sasha fuckin Grey is involved. As a Vulcan! Even as a selffucker male I am fascinated by Ms. Grey. She's like a character in a Katherine Dunn novel.
posted by The Whelk at 6:35 AM on April 29

I know this is from TNG, but ENGAGE!

I wonder if Spock gets to introduce the evolution of the shocker. The Spocker! I'm sure you can imagine how the shocker is evolving in that sense.
posted by schyler523 at 6:57 AM on April 29

I'm glad bardic mentioned Sex Trek, because this seems to me like an enormous, fairly humorless ripoff. Some (SFW, if you're wearing headphones and don't mind the term "sperm" being thrown around) clips: here and here.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 7:05 AM on April 29

Whoever this Sasha Grey person is, she pretty much looks like a Vulcan already. And I am thinking that the acting, if not writing, for these hardcore taters could hardly be much worse than that of the original Trek.
posted by adipocere at 7:12 AM on April 29

RogerB: Abrams's travesty

Have you seen this already? I'm almost afraid to ask but how bad was it?
posted by Bonzai at 7:18 AM on April 29

She's like a character in a Katherine Dunn novel.

Does she have a tail?
posted by cazoo at 7:47 AM on April 29 [1 favorite has favorites]

@Bonzai &RogerB:

The movie hasn't even come out yet; Roger, please hold your judgement until you've seen it. Whether the Enterprise was built in space or Earth, or whether there's too much lens flare cannot determine the quality of a film on their own.
posted by Jon_Evil at 8:18 AM on April 29

The movie hasn't even come out yet; Roger, please hold your judgement until you've seen it. Whether the Enterprise was built in space or Earth, or whether there's too much lens flare cannot determine the quality of a film on their own.

There have been some reviews already, from critics and from those who attended the premieres. And they're pretty positive, across the board, although one reviewer said that the whole altered continuity might tick off Trek fans (but since Abrams & co have been saying that it's an alternate universe, more or less, from the beginning, I don't really think it's reasonable for anyone to be surprised by that).
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:26 AM on April 29

please hold your judgement until you've seen it

Haven't and won't, and I'd encourage real Trekkies to boycott the thing along with me. Honestly, we've all seen the trailer and we all know what we're getting: a piece of Abrams's usual (semi-competent but brainless) summer-action-movie hack work that takes in vain the names of Kirk, Spock, and McCoy. It's the last step in decades of studio-approved drift away from the idea-centric, light, clever science fiction of the original series toward pandering, cheap, boobs-in-spandex vs. the evil alien menace action-movie militarism. I'm not even going to complain about the retcon bullshit, because there's so much to hate in the mere conception of the project – starting from the very beginning, the decision to piss all over the beloved origin of the whole franchise by recasting all its core characters rather than just, you know, writing a new story. I honestly have no idea why anyone would want to pretend they were being reasonable in withholding judgment at this point. The only thing that will change if actual Star Trek fans pay money to watch the Abrams movie is that the studio will be more likely to make another one. We should send our money to Hustler instead, because you can tell just from their publicity stills that they have more respect for the real Trek.
posted by RogerB at 8:40 AM on April 29 [2 favorites has favorites]

Haven't and won't, and I'd encourage real Trekkies to boycott the thing along with me.

Wow, no thanks. I plan to go (in costume!) and hope to have fun. There have been ideas floating around about doing a Starfleet Academy story with new actors since before the first movie. And speaking of the first movie, talk about cheap boobs-in-spandex.

Trek has been a lot of things. The range of themes and flavors and story types over just the course of the existing movies is incredibly broad, from dry, dry boring recycled TNG plots to cheesy time travel comedies about whales. There's no reason to think--particularly without seeing this movie--that it won't fit in just fine.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:52 AM on April 29 [3 favorites has favorites]

Haven't and won't, and I'd encourage real Trekkies to boycott the thing along with me.

Dude, you should totally start an online petition, those things always work.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 8:59 AM on April 29 [3 favorites has favorites]

Is there going to be a Galaxy Quest version? Because I could totally get into some Trek with tentacles...
posted by QIbHom at 9:02 AM on April 29

you should totally start an online petition

Yeah, I'm aware this is a silly fundamentalist position, and that everyone draws the line in a different place. But my personal last straw came when they switched from making crappy new spinoffs to making crap out of the beloved old original.
posted by RogerB at 9:19 AM on April 29

Yeah, I'm aware this is a silly fundamentalist position

Nice of you to take it all the way, though, into a thread about a cheesy porno spoof of Star Trek.
posted by Nelson at 9:40 AM on April 29 [1 favorite has favorites]

Yeah, I probably shouldn't have been so glibly dismissive, but after spending too many years banging around in the comics subculture, it's my default response to what I perceive as fan possessiveness. Hell, even TOS really only had about a season and a half's worth of noncrap - if Paramount feels that rejiggering it is is their best bet at running the franchise, rather than pursuing diminishing returns wherein a dwindling number of Trekkers are the only ones who give a crap (And more often than not, don't like what's being offered), more power to 'em, I say.

RE: Teh pron, while Jada Fire is a cool choice for Uhura, I would have rather seen Stoya in Sasha Grey's role.
Don't judge me - this is merely professional speculation, I used to work in a porn store!
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 9:41 AM on April 29 [1 favorite has favorites]

Haven't and won't, and I'd encourage real Trekkies to boycott the thing along with me.
posted by RogerB

I'm more and more sure I know who this is. Rusty, Theophile, confirm?
posted by DU at 9:46 AM on April 29

Nice of you to take it all the way, though, into a thread about a cheesy porno spoof of Star Trek.

Where no man has gone before. Well, lots of men, actually. Not too many women, though.
posted by kirkaracha at 10:14 AM on April 29

Roger, I won't let you call anyone a "not real trekkie" because they want to go watch Star Trek. And, while I agree with your assessment that recent Trek has gotten away from the plot-driven, idea-based story in favor of cheap excuses to show tits and explosions, I'd like to remind you that what made the Original Series so awesome was that it managed to be story-driven and socially relevant while also having tits and explosions. This is what I hope JJ Abrams et al. can pull off.

Also, don't confuse the tone of the marketing campaign with content of the movie.
posted by Jon_Evil at 10:23 AM on April 29 [3 favorites has favorites]

I remember an old text-porn story that was a parody of Star Trek: TNG.
The new names were the best part:
Lt. Geordi TheLarge
Commander Rideher
Doyouwanna Tri
Guynone
Lt. Whorf
Beverly CrushHer

And the clincher that still makes me laugh all these years later:

Long-Luc Dichard
posted by Saxon Kane at 10:31 AM on April 29

I see even in the porn universe, the red shirts still get killed.
posted by Smedleyman at 3:34 PM on April 29

Ha haha, Nick Manning will make an excellent Khan. That alone might make this worth seeing.
posted by davros42 at 4:38 PM on April 29

Evan Stone will make an equally awesome Kirk. This might be some fine cheese-y goodness, with a porno center you can either ignore or enjoy on it's own merits.
posted by davros42 at 4:41 PM on April 29

Hrmm. From what I can see from the preview, it looks like a mash-up of "Space Seed" and "Where No Man Has Gone Before."

(That was not a joke, BTW.)

Also, why the hate for The Original Series? Leave us TOSers alone!

(That was. Kind of.)
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 5:37 PM on April 29

But it's a little death, right?
posted by namespan at 6:28 PM on April 29 [2 favorites has favorites]