Nice to meat you, Mr. Bateman.

May 12, 2009 6:32 AM

We know how fancy business cards can be. We know how seriously some people take business cards. But all of these cards have one fatal flaw: they are not made out of meat.
posted by Faint of Butt (43 comments total)

Business cards made from meat And LASERS!
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 6:37 AM on May 12 [1 favorite has favorites]

Wake me when there's photocopy paper and receipt tape made from meat.
posted by Burhanistan at 6:37 AM on May 12

Is this what becomes of the trainers who are a little slow at Pumpkin Time in the other Tigers and Leopards thread?

Cottage industry!
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 6:39 AM on May 12

I'll take 250 with bacon!
posted by sfts2 at 6:40 AM on May 12 [1 favorite has favorites]

...and the vegans begin to howl in 3... 2... 1...
posted by hippybear at 6:40 AM on May 12

MEETINGS ARE MURDER!
posted by mazola at 6:43 AM on May 12 [16 favorites has favorites]

Because nothing says "I'm a jerk" more than a dried meat business card.
posted by MuffinMan at 6:44 AM on May 12 [4 favorites has favorites]

BaconFilter. Delicious, nutritious BaconFilter.
posted by Mister_A at 6:45 AM on May 12

"You know how when you slap or flap meat it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat."
posted by Rock Steady at 6:48 AM on May 12 [4 favorites has favorites]

Enough already!
Stop!
posted by maryh at 6:48 AM on May 12 [2 favorites has favorites]

This is pretty tasteless.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:51 AM on May 12

Delicious.
posted by grubi at 6:52 AM on May 12

If your name was William Tong, these cards would be perfect.
posted by MuffinMan at 6:54 AM on May 12 [2 favorites has favorites]

Batemen, your a VP? So what? This guy's card is better than your jerky card.
posted by any major dude at 6:55 AM on May 12

ahhh embed fail

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2mHkQUBEpM
posted by any major dude at 6:56 AM on May 12

I hope anyone who orders these or eats them gets worms.
posted by Burhanistan at 6:56 AM on May 12

No, I'm not biting.
posted by From Bklyn at 6:59 AM on May 12

Because nothing says "I'm a jerk" more than a dried meat business card.

I cannot agree: I think it is more like a quick way to say "Please please PLEASE oh pleasepleaseplease pay attention to me!!!!" -- you know, kind of like a novelty necktie.

For me, nothing says "I'm a jerk" more than walking around with a bluetooth earpiece stuck in your ear. Or maybe that is "I am too important to use my hands when answering the phone." I cannot quite recall.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 6:59 AM on May 12 [1 favorite has favorites]

Best if hired by: 05/15/2009
posted by DU at 7:01 AM on May 12 [5 favorites has favorites]

Previously.
posted by scalefree at 7:04 AM on May 12

This is pretty tasteless tasty.

FTFY.
posted by marginaliana at 7:05 AM on May 12

I'd like to see this in a remake of the business meeting scene in American Psycho.
posted by iamkimiam at 7:07 AM on May 12

I swear that I never saw scalefree's link before now.
posted by Faint of Butt at 7:08 AM on May 12

For me, nothing says "I'm a jerk" more than walking around with a bluetooth earpiece stuck in your ear.

This. That and playing mp3s from your cell phone's speaker on the Metro and riding your bike on the sidewalk through a crowd of people. New plan: I'll buy a few dozen of these business cards (the "slippery mystery meat" variety, please), have them printed up to say "Fuck you", and stick them to people acting like douchebags. Fire with fire and all that.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 7:13 AM on May 12

I'd like to see this in a remake of the business meeting scene in American Psycho.

Look at those subtle marbled veins of fat, the tasteful mouthfeel of it, *begins sweating* Oh my god; it's even naturally reared.
posted by doobiedoo at 7:25 AM on May 12

These would be good to take to a MeFi meatup.
posted by crapmatic at 7:26 AM on May 12 [1 favorite has favorites]

Oh, if only it were bacon. Could you imagine the glory of BACON AND LASERS!
posted by eriko at 7:28 AM on May 12

Not that practicality is the point of something like this, but... if it really is delicious jerky, wouldn't potential employers just end up devouring your contact information, and end up licking their lips and wondering how to get in touch with you? am I supposed to store it in a fridge or in my MeatoDex? and if it doesn't taste good, then what's the point?

DEAR SIR:

I AM SURPRISED TO FIND YOUR MEAT-BASED BUSINESS CARDS SOMEWHAT IMPRACTICAL. PLEASE RESOLVE THESE ISSUES OR ELSE I MAY NOT PURCHASE MORE. I AM NOT A CRANK.
posted by ScotchRox at 7:29 AM on May 12 [4 favorites has favorites]

The Tasteful Mouthfeel is going to be the name of my neo-'60s psychedelic death folk metal band.
posted by hippybear at 7:30 AM on May 12

wait, did someone just say MeatoDex?
posted by doobiedoo at 7:32 AM on May 12 [1 favorite has favorites]

So if your card says "free range", does it mean you or the card stock?

That's an attractive ambiguity.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 7:35 AM on May 12

This would be good for a doctor's card. "I'm cured!"
posted by brundlefly at 7:56 AM on May 12 [10 favorites has favorites]

Because nothing says "I'm a jerk" more than a dried meat business card.

No need to get salty.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 8:06 AM on May 12

They come individually wrapped, right? Cause if they don't, I can't think of too many worse things someone could pull out of their pocket and hand you at a meeting.
posted by ShadowCrash at 8:14 AM on May 12

I think there is something wrong with me(at). Every single link in this thread is already light yellow. Jinkies!
posted by nosila at 8:28 AM on May 12

A lawyer I know has these, but they're made of human flesh.
posted by orme at 8:29 AM on May 12 [1 favorite has favorites]

I try be eco-friendly by saving paper and you don't like these cards either.

I just can't win with you environmental types.
posted by originalname37 at 9:25 AM on May 12

Maybe that laser could etch your card on the back of your hand, then when you shake hands, you just don't let go.
posted by StickyCarpet at 10:14 AM on May 12 [1 favorite has favorites]

Hum. Novel idea, but that meat looks a bit too well-marbled to make good jerkey. I have to wonder how quickly it would spoil.

Especially in my wallet, where I keep my other business cards.
posted by happyroach at 10:23 AM on May 12

As seen in the hit legal-suspense thriller, "Pemmican Brief."
posted by ericbop at 12:40 PM on May 12 [4 favorites has favorites]

Yes, but can I eat it?
posted by futureisunwritten at 12:57 PM on May 12

How am I supposed to remember your name when it's churning around in my belly?
posted by grapefruitmoon at 3:52 PM on May 12

what is this porterhouse stock?? bet it isn't even juicy. local supermarket? absolutely. tastes like crap? it is crap. one color. no flavor. nothing special about it.
i will never make a criticism if i don't have a resolution.

you see this cut of meat? this is the most impressive meat business card i have ever seen. it is my meat business card. it doesn't fit on a plate, because it doesn't belong on a plate. it is going to take me some more years to grow the proper cow for slaughter for another copy of this business card. my card will be knife-cut. my card will be foil-wrapped for cooking. my card will be embossed.

dinner guaranteed. you're kidding? instead of telling you my title, because who cares about my title, my card tastes good for dinner. guaranteed. what do you do guaranteed?
posted by the aloha at 4:45 PM on May 12 [1 favorite has favorites]