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Naughtly, but not that naughty
May 17, 2009 9:05 PM   Subscribe

Q: You like chocolate? You are a person who likes the chocolate finger that we are currently testing?
A: Yes! I am! I like chocolate!
Q: You like chocolate! In fact, you are a person who likes chocolate as much as a company likes money!
A: YES I LIKE CHOCOLATE AS IF IT WERE MY PROFESSION!! TELL ME MORE ABOUT IT!
Q: YOU ENJOY THIS FLING YOU SEXY CONSUMER.

Shamelessly cribbed from lemuria
posted by Brandon Blatcher (90 comments total) 9 users marked this as a favorite

 
Wrapped in a shiny pink and sliver package, this delicate "chocolate finger" is intended for women. The word "finger" is an industry term for a long, slim confection, Mars spokesman Ryan Bowling says, but with ads that invite you to "Pleasure yourself" in pink lettering, consumers might come to other conclusions.

Consumers might come by pleasuring themselves with fingers. Got it.
posted by ColdChef at 9:11 PM on May 17, 2009 [6 favorites]


As METAFILTER™ commenters we are spontaneous - we shimmer! And when it's good? We share it. So let yourself go!
posted by Kinbote at 9:12 PM on May 17, 2009 [1 favorite]


This Flinger, it vibrates?
posted by The White Hat at 9:14 PM on May 17, 2009 [2 favorites]


"There are other things you can do that can hit this note without banging on it."

Enough with the innuendoes already!
posted by dhartung at 9:15 PM on May 17, 2009


"Pepsi Brown"? Wait, that doesn't work...
posted by Decimask at 9:17 PM on May 17, 2009 [2 favorites]


...chocolate blue... no.. that's not it...
posted by arcolz at 9:19 PM on May 17, 2009


"Chocolate Pepsi"?
posted by Decimask at 9:20 PM on May 17, 2009 [1 favorite]


I see... but where does the wallet attach?
posted by Thin Lizzy at 9:21 PM on May 17, 2009 [14 favorites]


I actually gagged while typing that.
posted by Decimask at 9:21 PM on May 17, 2009


Pepsi Blue?

...wait, how do you play this?
posted by griphus at 9:22 PM on May 17, 2009


Not as subtle as their original name for these: Tit Kat.
posted by ColdChef at 9:22 PM on May 17, 2009 [18 favorites]


What's up with that silhouette on the front page? It looks like a woman with a mop handle shoved up her butt.
posted by delmoi at 9:22 PM on May 17, 2009 [10 favorites]


shit.
posted by onya at 9:22 PM on May 17, 2009 [1 favorite]


On the one hand, targeting women with their own chocolate bar is genius. The pink wrapper and overly sexual marketing, not so much. It comes off as condescending, but then again I've eaten chocolate packed with nuts, what do I know?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:23 PM on May 17, 2009


What, pleasuring myself with Twix isn't good enough now?
posted by WolfDaddy at 9:23 PM on May 17, 2009 [8 favorites]


Ah, Christ. Better start dragging those cinder blocks across the yard lest the Republic fall.
posted by Kinbote at 9:24 PM on May 17, 2009


When do we get the ads starring Marianne Faithfull?
posted by planetkyoto at 9:26 PM on May 17, 2009 [4 favorites]


> What, pleasuring myself with Twix isn't good enough now?

Well, these are individually wrapped. Not every woman is so voracious she needs two bars at once to satisfy her chocolate cravings.
posted by Decimask at 9:28 PM on May 17, 2009 [3 favorites]


"You'll never know when you will need a FLING™, and at under 85 calories per finger, anytime is the right time. Keep things interesting and try a FLING™ Chocolate Finger in all three flavors – Milk Chocolate, Dark Chocolate, and Hazelnut – a ménage of flavors. Variety is the spice of life, so tear it open and sneak in a quickie."

Careful ladies, that ménage is actually 255 calories.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:28 PM on May 17, 2009


From the FAQ:

What makes it shimmer?
Fairy dust. Just kidding. The shimmer is actually a FDA approved mineral called Mica, that shimmers and is used occasionally by specialty chocolatiers to add a unique and attractive sparkle to gourmet chocolate.


Mmmmmm...mica.
posted by ColdChef at 9:29 PM on May 17, 2009 [4 favorites]


Can I use this to pick up chicks or do I have to still rely on my pin-striped fedora?
posted by P.o.B. at 9:31 PM on May 17, 2009 [3 favorites]


Mica?! Then why the hell did Mars reject my Fiberglass Peanut Butter Cups idea? They shimmered, too.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 9:37 PM on May 17, 2009 [11 favorites]


Wouldn't the chocolate melt if a woman used it to masturbate? In fact, wouldn't it do so long before orgasm?

My wife seems pretty happy with my wallet attached to a vibrator. This chocolate business sounds too messy.
posted by double block and bleed at 9:37 PM on May 17, 2009 [1 favorite]


Like the women who crave it, FLING needs to be handled with care — try not to ruffle our delicate truffles and keep them in a cool, dry place. Between 65-75 degrees is ideal. Then you can pleasure yourself with this chocolate sensation time and time again

Whatever. I like my fingers hot and wet, not cool and dry, please. I don't need a fling, but a strong, sustainable chocolate bar that won't melt under pressure when asked to do what I expect purchase it to do.
posted by raztaj at 9:38 PM on May 17, 2009 [3 favorites]


One of these would go good with a pancake.
posted by buzzman at 9:38 PM on May 17, 2009


Marisa Stole the Precious Thing: "Mica?! Then why the hell did Mars reject my Fiberglass Peanut Butter Cups idea? They shimmered, too."

Owens-Corning already has a trademark on pink fiberglass
posted by double block and bleed at 9:39 PM on May 17, 2009 [2 favorites]


i suppose we have to fry this in olive oil instead of lard
posted by pyramid termite at 9:40 PM on May 17, 2009


I don't need a fling, but a strong, sustainable chocolate bar that won't melt under pressure

Paging Mr. Goodbar.
posted by ColdChef at 9:41 PM on May 17, 2009 [3 favorites]


I wonder if they put the website together on one of those new Dell computers.
posted by device55 at 9:45 PM on May 17, 2009 [2 favorites]


I'm confused.
posted by Skygazer at 9:51 PM on May 17, 2009


Romania [NSFW] does it better.
posted by tellurian at 10:05 PM on May 17, 2009 [3 favorites]


Or mayonnaise. Yum, mayonnaise. Could be that mid-life change that some experience. Hmmm.... thick condiment, with a nice chocolate melt.
posted by buzzman at 10:08 PM on May 17, 2009


Whatever. I like my fingers hot and wet, not cool and dry, please. I don't need a fling, but a strong, sustainable chocolate bar that won't melt under pressure when asked to do what I expect purchase it to do.

Well the melting point of Cocoa Butter is just 93° to 100°F, so I doubt you'd have much luck finding one.
posted by delmoi at 10:12 PM on May 17, 2009


Well the melting point of Cocoa Butter is just 93° to 100°F, so I doubt you'd have much luck finding one.

They don't make them anymore, but the Hershey's Desert Bar could withstand temperatures in excess of 140º.
posted by jedicus at 10:18 PM on May 17, 2009 [1 favorite]


If it's only 85 calories, it can't possibly be either good or big enough.
posted by frobozz at 10:21 PM on May 17, 2009


Why was this posted?
posted by CheeseDigestsAll at 10:26 PM on May 17, 2009 [1 favorite]


Sadly, most of my friends on Facebook are chocolate bars.
posted by mazola at 10:28 PM on May 17, 2009


The real revelation here (from the sfcitizen.com link) is that Mars Snackfoods apparently has a Vice President of Indulgence. I may have a new career goal.
posted by hattifattener at 10:29 PM on May 17, 2009 [2 favorites]


yum! i want it in me!
posted by sexyrobot at 10:33 PM on May 17, 2009


Wouldn't the chocolate melt if a woman used it to masturbate? In fact, wouldn't it do so long before orgasm?

You could cool it by running a line of very cold vodka or other refrigerant through it. That way, while you were pleasuring yourself with a chocolate you'd also have the nerve-killing joy of a speculum that had been kept in the freezer, and if you weren't extremely careful you'd break it open and a torrent of supercooled liquor would pour out and give you serious frostbite of the junk.

Good times.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 10:39 PM on May 17, 2009 [4 favorites]


Target: Women!

"Aw, chocolate! Orgasms and childhood! Stupid, stupid, stupid!"
posted by You Can't Tip a Buick at 10:40 PM on May 17, 2009 [2 favorites]


The real revelation here (from the sfcitizen.com link) is that Mars Snackfoods apparently has a Vice President of Indulgence. I may have a new career goal.

I know it probably seems like a glamorous position, but it has a checkered past, especially since the abuses committed at the Keebler Treehouse during the protracted and expensive War on Chunky were brought to light.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 10:42 PM on May 17, 2009 [4 favorites]




In the failed search to find the thing that showed that Dove is really bad at indulging us on the fair/direct-trade front, I discovered this delightful news about Cadbury!
posted by aniola at 10:46 PM on May 17, 2009 [2 favorites]


from article: "The overall campaign feels weird," Lisa Johnson says. "It feels creepy." Johnson is the co-author of 'Don't Think Pink: What Really Makes Women Buy — and How to Increase Your Share of This Crucial Market.'

... and is therefore a certified expert on 'creepy.'
posted by koeselitz at 10:50 PM on May 17, 2009


Why was this posted?

Why was this posted?
posted by setanor at 10:58 PM on May 17, 2009 [1 favorite]


Folks, sometimes a chocolate finger is just a chocolate finger.
posted by mazola at 11:07 PM on May 17, 2009


Wouldn't the chocolate melt if a woman used it to masturbate? In fact, wouldn't it do so long before orgasm?

Before, during and after. If you're lucky.
posted by rokusan at 11:08 PM on May 17, 2009


As always, Australians are ahead of the curve in hyper-sexualised innuendo-marketed chocolate-based confectionery.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 11:11 PM on May 17, 2009


Shirking the 'Family Size' moniker, this will be known as the 'Fist Me!' size.
posted by mazola at 11:12 PM on May 17, 2009 [5 favorites]


I think we've all learned a very valuable lesson.
posted by killdevil at 11:21 PM on May 17, 2009


So the Fling, at 16 grams, has 85 calories to a Fun-Sized* Twix's 80 calories. It's the same candy, isn't it? It must be the mica. Who knew bling had a caloric value.

*This "Fun Size" designation has irked me since I was a little trick or treater. It's less a candy bar than a hint, a shadow of a candy bar. It's a deceitful little promise that the full sized bar will be the high point of your day, while of course it's usually just a waxy drag that makes you want to brush your teeth. Still, the Twix is nice and this thing sounds sort of appealing. I would have called this thing Le Twex! The CoaCo iJoy For Your Mouth Fertile Ladies!
posted by maryh at 11:25 PM on May 17, 2009 [2 favorites]


The iJoyRide promo video from that page is makes a very convincing argument, I have to admit. You ever see jockeys at the beach and notice how toned they are? That's no accident.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 11:33 PM on May 17, 2009 [1 favorite]


I love watching a debacle.
posted by queensissy at 11:38 PM on May 17, 2009


Fuck (or, suck) the chocolate finger.

I'm sticking with the Hershey® Highway.
posted by ericb at 11:39 PM on May 17, 2009


Why was this posted?

Why was this posted?


Why was this posted?
posted by P.o.B. at 11:40 PM on May 17, 2009 [2 favorites]


Metafilter: Why was this posted?
posted by mazola at 11:45 PM on May 17, 2009 [9 favorites]


yeah - why was this posted?

actually, i recently tried a fling candybar, and it was totally delicious. a friend gave it to me. she was intrigued that it was "low-calorie" - are not! the wording on that is completely misleading. but the candybar was really good. much better than twix. even so, i never would have tried these on my own. the packaging looks like it's for... tampons.

seriously, that's what i thought when i saw 'em at my corner market. i was confused. WHY would anyone put tampons in the candy section. i thought it might be like when stores put beer next to diapers.
posted by lapolla at 12:12 AM on May 18, 2009 [3 favorites]


Wait, it shimmers in the sun?

OMG VAMPIRE CHOCOLATE!!!!1
posted by speicus at 12:30 AM on May 18, 2009 [9 favorites]


I'd wondered what was that edible metal on the top of those weird Indian candies. Now I know. And knowing is half the battle. Also I should mention something about women masturbating.
posted by Stylus Happenstance at 12:41 AM on May 18, 2009


Chocolate-covered pretzel?
posted by zippy at 12:42 AM on May 18, 2009


above link NSFW
posted by zippy at 12:42 AM on May 18, 2009


Doesn't anyone just fuck any more?
posted by bardic at 1:14 AM on May 18, 2009 [2 favorites]


I thought they were just a rebranding of Twix. Are they actually different?
posted by BrotherCaine at 2:02 AM on May 18, 2009


nah, women prefer chocolate (as mentioned above, preferably with a wallet)
posted by fistynuts at 2:06 AM on May 18, 2009


Twix has caramel on top of the cookie. This seems to have... well, basically Three Musketeers filling.
posted by showbiz_liz at 2:22 AM on May 18, 2009


Yeah, but does it have Zing™ ?
posted by Thorzdad at 4:01 AM on May 18, 2009


So wait, are women supposed to eat the chocolate?
posted by Pollomacho at 4:33 AM on May 18, 2009


Why was this posted?
posted by CheeseDigestsAll at 10:26 PM on May 17


Because it was on NPR Sunday afternoon
posted by asockpuppet at 4:53 AM on May 18, 2009


THE LADY AND THE CHOCOLATE

CHOCOLATE: You want me Lady don't you? You want me! YOU WANT ME!

LADY: No chocolate, I do not want you, for after pleasure there is SICKNESS and there is GUILT.

CHOCOLATE: That, Lady is the REASON FOR MY EXISTENCE. Are you to deny me the REASON FOR MY EXISTENCE?

LADY: No, chocolate. I would not do that.

CHOCOLATE: Thank you.

(A munching sound is heard, followed by a sigh of pleasure)

-Edward Monkton

posted by Enron Hubbard at 4:59 AM on May 18, 2009


FTA: She describes the marketing as a "full-frontal attack."

lolwut
posted by jquinby at 5:01 AM on May 18, 2009


Because it was on NPR Sunday afternoon

And interesting.

It was either this or the writer talking about being a bad mother.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:30 AM on May 18, 2009


they really don't taste much like twix. there is no cookie in flings and there is no caramel goo factor. the similarity between the two is pretty much in the shape. and flings are only like, a distant cousin to 3 musketeers. they actually remind me a bit of violet crumble bars, except the crisp is not honeycomb; rather, it has a slightly cocoa flavor. there is a greater ratio of chocolate to crisp, too.

also, the chocolate in the flings is very creamy, with almost a mousse texture to it. the combination of textures is very nice, creamy and crisp. it doesn't change much if you freeze 'em. the sweetness of both chocolate and crisp is strong, but not cloying. they're pretty good, and i don't even really like candybars all that much. (yep, you know it - i'd rather have bacon.) and now i suppose must tell you of this...

a few nights ago, i had some crispy bacon, a shot of bourbon, and a fling.
omg. so good.
posted by lapolla at 5:33 AM on May 18, 2009 [2 favorites]


I just thought of something. Mica, I would assume, is not digested, and would therefore pass through the digestive tract intact. So, there may be a chance that eating a significant amount of Fling bars could give you sparkly poop.

Now if we could only find a way to polish a...

...Nevermind.
posted by arcolz at 5:44 AM on May 18, 2009 [4 favorites]


Leave it to NPR to not report that this is HALF of a new marketing push for Mars. One candy for women, and one for men. The Fling, as we've seen already, for women, and a Wank, for men.
posted by boo_radley at 6:02 AM on May 18, 2009


I'd prefer to think of the product's creation entirely as a challenge from the heads of M&M/Mars to their R&D and marketing departments. They had to find a way to get people to eat... oh, let's pick something at random herrrrrrrrrrrre... mica.
posted by Spatch at 6:07 AM on May 18, 2009 [1 favorite]


This has managed to ruin both chocolate and sex for me. Terrific. Cliche Woman cannot live by shoes alone, you know.
posted by rosebuddy at 6:24 AM on May 18, 2009 [1 favorite]


It will take more than a delicate finger of chocolate to satisfy my needs. If you really want to pleasure me, bring home a King Size Snickers. Then we can talk, big boy.
posted by Evangeline at 7:08 AM on May 18, 2009


and a Wank, for men

Feels like there should be chocolate eggs and chocolate babies in there somewhere.
posted by zerokey at 7:29 AM on May 18, 2009


They should have just resurrected the Mars bar, taken out the almonds and renamed it the Mrs.
posted by emelenjr at 7:36 AM on May 18, 2009 [1 favorite]


WHY would anyone put tampons in the candy section.

I've run into a few grocery stores that puts chocolate in the tampons/feminine hygiene section. I guess it boosts sales.
posted by Talanvor at 7:45 AM on May 18, 2009


Sexual Chocolate!
posted by orme at 10:39 AM on May 18, 2009 [2 favorites]


There's nothing wrong with eating minerals so long as you know what you're going for. Halite, after all, is table salt. Mica's harmless, I eat it in the field all the time, mostly on accident. And sylvite, while technically perfectly safe, is just disgusting.

But then there's things like cinnabar and gold and minerals containing cyanide, which will kill you good and dead. So know what minerals you're lookin at before you eat them, kids.
posted by six-or-six-thirty at 12:12 PM on May 18, 2009


I just thought of something. Mica, I would assume, is not digested, and would therefore pass through the digestive tract intact.

I'm fairly sure, actually, that this would not work. Mica isn't all that resilient, really, and is easily broken down with acid. I'm pretty sure stomach acid would do a good job of breaking it down into a clay like illite or smectite. So your poop will just be more brown.

Feel free to try it, though, I don't want to stomp on anyone's dreams.
posted by six-or-six-thirty at 12:20 PM on May 18, 2009


85 calories per finger? I'd have to eat two hands' worth...
posted by Never teh Bride at 1:06 PM on May 18, 2009


Feel free to try it, though, I don't want to stomp on anyone's dreams.

That sounds like a challenge to me!
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 2:35 PM on May 18, 2009


Sexy chocolate finger? *makes shocker gesture, glances at pinky, shakes head dismissively*
posted by BrotherCaine at 2:37 PM on May 18, 2009


"They should have just resurrected the Mars bar, taken out the almonds and renamed it the Mrs."

Resurrected? Almonds? What kind of strange candies have you been flirting with?

I love a good Mars Bar, but they make the darn things so small these days, the experience is over far too quickly.
posted by Kevin Street at 5:12 PM on May 18, 2009


Some woman was handing out samples of the Fling and my kids (both boys) each grabbed one (never ones to pass by free candy). They loved them! Considering all the chocolate lovers out there who don't necessarily want to eat (or feed their kids) too many wasted calories, it seems a shame that they chose a small subset of this market to advertise to: women for whom chocolate=illicit sex.

At least I'm assuming that this is a small subset.
posted by eye of newt at 7:51 PM on May 18, 2009


Has anyone made the obligatory "once you go brown..." joke yet?

(Oh wait they're small? Never mind then.)

For my money, when the wife wants chocolate, I buy her some 70% cacao or better fair trade stuff. Not that Mars waxy crap.
posted by caution live frogs at 9:43 PM on May 18, 2009


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