nuqDaq 'oH puchpa''e'

May 19, 2009 9:45 AM

Jumping on the Star Trek bandwagon with both feet and wearing a tiara, Sophos has just released their Klingon Anti-Virus product. It is available in either native Klingon or English for wimps.

This software has compatibility issues with the version of msxml4.dll used by cloaking devices on Romulan-modded D7-class battle cruisers. Installing this software on such vessels is punishable by ordeal of Ginst'a'Ed.
posted by jim in austin (35 comments total)

Why did we translate it into Klingon?
Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Duis consequat odio vel risus fermentum at hendrerit sapien malesuada.

ah!
posted by a womble is an active kind of sloth at 9:52 AM on May 19

Pepsi SuD
posted by DU at 9:55 AM on May 19

Insert random virgin for life nerd joke here.
posted by Mastercheddaar at 9:57 AM on May 19

I have no greater regret than pawning my copy of the Pimsleur-style teach yourself Klingon CD read by Michael Dorn.
posted by Sys Rq at 10:00 AM on May 19 [2 favorites]

So does Star Trek suck now that it's cool?
posted by Smedleyman at 10:02 AM on May 19

It's not cool. Just sayin'.
posted by Sys Rq at 10:04 AM on May 19 [1 favorite]

This is not a great business idea. Some things really shouldn't have gag versions, because it undermines the trustworthy-seriousness of their normal products.

For example: anti-virus software, life insurance, home pregnancy tests.
posted by rokusan at 10:04 AM on May 19 [1 favorite]

"Baby... Baby... Pirate?"

"Aw... Wait, pirates are wild!"
posted by Sys Rq at 10:06 AM on May 19 [2 favorites]

Stupid Klingons should just switch to LCARS. Not only are there no viruses, it's got a great user interface, and the hardware is just as cool-looking as all hell.
posted by PlusDistance at 10:07 AM on May 19 [9 favorites]

A nicely timed blatant grab for links.

In other pointless translation news, Facebook has a pirate option. It's fun for, oooh, 20 seconds or so.
posted by chorltonmeateater at 10:09 AM on May 19

Stupid Klingons should just switch to LCARS.

Oh jesus. Here come the LCARS fanboys. Tell you what, you smug little design-junkies: why don't you just keep spending buckets of latinum on those, while I use a cost-effective system that I can actually upgrade? I mean, I know my computer doesn't have all those smooth curves and shiny colors that you're so obsessed with, but maybe that's 'cause I'm actually out banging Orions and drinking bloodwine, instead of sitting on a Holiday-Inn-colored bridge every evening, lusting over the half-Betazed who doesn't even know you exist.
posted by Greg Nog at 10:17 AM on May 19 [23 favorites]

Does this program support Linux? Because Linux has had a (private build?) Klingon language option since 1996 (scroll down a ways). Also, has Klingon Language Institute vouched for the program? (via)
posted by filthy light thief at 10:18 AM on May 19

In other pointless translation news, Facebook has a pirate option.

Which is not nearly as cool as Google's Elmer Fudd mode.
posted by brundlefly at 10:21 AM on May 19 [1 favorite]

Dorks.
posted by chillmost at 10:23 AM on May 19

Speaking of LCARS (and here we complete the circle of nerd), I was re-watching the epochal Steve Jobs keynote where he introduced the iPhone, starting with a lengthy diatribe against smartphone keyboards, and going on to observe that the most sensible user interface is the one that changes with every different application.

It struck me sometime later that this is the exact rationale given by Michael Okuda, explaining his design of the now-famous Star Trek TNG touch-screen computers.

Nothing to do with the Klingon virus scan, but I seemed to be in the right room...
posted by bicyclefish at 10:45 AM on May 19 [2 favorites]

When your computer crashes, does it say 'It's dead, Jim'?
posted by kldickson at 11:15 AM on May 19

Also, it should automatically switch your Vs and Ws.

In before nuclear wessels.
posted by kldickson at 11:16 AM on May 19

So does Star Trek suck now that it's cool?

Trekkies Bash New Star Trek Film as "Fun, Watchable"
posted by brain_drain at 11:32 AM on May 19

Which is not nearly as cool as Google's Elmer Fudd mode.

Google has a mode with a mansion and a yacht?
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 11:41 AM on May 19 [1 favorite]

None of the Trek captains would need something like this:

Kirk would blast any virus with full phasers, photon torpedoes, and body blows.
Picard would quote Shakespeare and pontificate at it until it died of overgoodytwoshoes.
Sisko would single-handedly assemble a huge armada of ships from all over the Alpha Quadrant to defend the computer against Gamma Quadrant viral incursions.
Janeway would mother it to death. Then have a cigarette.
Archer would ... okay Archer would need the program.
posted by WolfDaddy at 11:54 AM on May 19 [1 favorite]

For example: anti-virus software, life insurance, home pregnancy tests.

I disagree. The Perfect Strangers Home Pregnancy Test was great; it was just your standard white stick to be placed in your urine stream, but the indicators were a plus sign, or a recording of Balki's voice saying "Of course you're not pregnant don't be ridiculous".
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 12:31 PM on May 19 [3 favorites]

Huh? It's just regular software, translated into Klingon.
posted by Eideteker at 12:59 PM on May 19

Google has a mode with a mansion and a yacht?

"It's a party airplane."
posted by zippy at 1:00 PM on May 19

Huh? It's just regular software, translated into Klingon.

Thank you, Lieutenant Commander Obvious ...
posted by jim in austin at 1:12 PM on May 19

For example: anti-virus software, life insurance, home pregnancy tests.

New Credit Card rules coming:

The House throws in what ought to be called “The Fine Print Rule.” Card companies must print their account applications and disclosures in 12-point type or greater. A supervisory board will also probably declare certain hard-on-the-eyes fonts off limits.

It doesn't say anything about not using Klingon!
posted by mazola at 1:20 PM on May 19 [1 favorite]

Picard would quote Shakespeare and pontificate at it until it died of overgoodytwoshoes and then give it a shuttlecraft.
posted by Faint of Butt at 1:37 PM on May 19 [1 favorite]

I am just waiting for some great examples of Klinglish and the subsequent LOLKLINGONS and Not Klinglish mock defenses.
posted by srboisvert at 3:36 PM on May 19

Picard would quote Shakespeare and pontificate at it until it died of overgoodytwoshoes and then give it a shuttlecraft notice that it had just skipped out on a shuttlecraft because they're completely unprotected.
posted by odinsdream at 4:04 PM on May 19

Fuck.
posted by odinsdream at 4:04 PM on May 19 [2 favorites]

Does it make their software actually worth buying? ta' ghobe' tlhap 'oH
posted by purephase at 5:34 PM on May 19

I've always said that the Sophos EULA is better when read in the original Klingon. Finally, I will be proven right!
posted by Effigy2000 at 6:01 PM on May 19

"'Huh? It's just regular software, translated into Klingon.'

Thank you, Lieutenant Commander Obvious ..."

I was expecting it to look like antivirus software a Klingon might use.
posted by Eideteker at 8:01 PM on May 19

I use Sophos. It's great; check 'em out. We use the enterprise version at work. You can let your users install a standalone edition too.

Lots and lots of net appliances are powered by Sophos. Very minimally invasive; you barely know it's there, except when it errs on the side of caution and freaks out over certain types of compressed files.

I've experimented with massively infected machines, running every possible free scan in the book, where you hit that point of no return...the last 4 scanners find nothing, and yet Sophos still does at the end. YMMV
posted by aydeejones at 9:03 PM on May 19

I was expecting it to look like antivirus software a Klingon might use.

I'm pretty sure they'd just shoot the console, instead.
posted by zarq at 7:24 AM on May 20

We use the enterprise version at work.

I'm sure there's an obvious joke to be made here, but I'm just not seeing it.
posted by webmutant at 11:24 AM on May 21