Tags:


And in a family newspaper!!
June 4, 2009 5:29 PM   Subscribe

She won't make him a grilled cheese sandwich. The comments are what make this post. No un-sfw words in the post, just G-rated euphemisms instead. Mefites, do not disappoint with your own contributions.
posted by Melismata (167 comments total) 76 users marked this as a favorite

 
Especially with tomatoes and fancy cheese, like Brie.

oh man i hope this part isnt a euphemism
posted by Potomac Avenue at 5:33 PM on June 4, 2009 [8 favorites]


"just a triscuit with a little melted cheese on top."
posted by applemeat at 5:34 PM on June 4, 2009


I am so hungry now I can't stand it. I'm going to head home for dinner right now. Ohboyohboyohboy.
posted by davejay at 5:35 PM on June 4, 2009


note: the preceeding comment of mine should be read in the voice of character Kent 'Flounder' Dorfman
posted by davejay at 5:36 PM on June 4, 2009 [1 favorite]


Jesus Christ America needs to grow up about sex.
posted by graventy at 5:39 PM on June 4, 2009 [56 favorites]


Is the kitchen spotless?

Now that's how you run with a euphemism.
posted by JaredSeth at 5:39 PM on June 4, 2009 [13 favorites]


It would have been great if he said he should just go out on the street and buy a grilled cheese sandwich.
posted by ALongDecember at 5:40 PM on June 4, 2009 [7 favorites]


Jesus Christ America needs to grow up about sex.
posted by graventy at 8:39 PM on June 4 [+] [!]


looks like someone could use a little croque monsieur!
posted by Potomac Avenue at 5:40 PM on June 4, 2009 [27 favorites]


I like to have sex with cheese.
posted by Damn That Television at 5:41 PM on June 4, 2009 [4 favorites]


Open faced club sandwichingus.
posted by Burhanistan at 5:42 PM on June 4, 2009 [6 favorites]


You must tell her that the lack of grilled cheese is standing in the way of your commitment. I know it’s difficult to say – it sounds so petty and selfish -- but I’m here to tell you it’s a valid concern. You’ve probably heard this before, but disagreements about sex and money are usually what end relationships.

That's true, but kinda irrelevant to the poor guy's hot sandwich problem.
posted by DU at 5:42 PM on June 4, 2009 [25 favorites]


Her audience is pretty bland, though. Took 'til comment 115 for anyone to call the opposite act roast beef or tuna melt sandwiches.
posted by graventy at 5:42 PM on June 4, 2009


No euphemism here: I just fucking love to fuck cheese. Stick my goddamn dick in some cheddar and spurt like a volcano about to end the lives of primitive island villagers, cum flowing down the cheese mountain, rivers tearing apart families. My girlfriend asks if she can watch and I tell her "no" because it is a private ceremony, not unlike a religious union. Destroy the federal banking system there is nothign in the constitution that gives the state the right to charge a federal tax. RESIST-EMPOWER-FUCK CHEESE-TANCREDO 2012
posted by Damn That Television at 5:44 PM on June 4, 2009 [102 favorites]


hardcore taters
posted by DU at 5:44 PM on June 4, 2009 [6 favorites]


Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a grilled cheese sandwich?' ... and she's always sound asleep."
posted by netbros at 5:44 PM on June 4, 2009 [44 favorites]


Woman sells Virgin Mary grilled cheese sandwich for $28,000. (NSFW)
posted by Sova at 5:44 PM on June 4, 2009 [2 favorites]


Seriously, though. Who is she protecting here?

(we’re a family website, after all)
KIDS DON'T READ ONLINE NEWSPAPERS.

Let's say they do. They wouldn't read a mediocre advice column. (They want an advice column, they'll go to Savage Love.)

Let's say they read a mediocre advice column. At what age can kids not handle the term 'oral sex'? 10? 12?
posted by graventy at 5:47 PM on June 4, 2009


Maybe I'm not quite understanding the euphemism, but it seems to me that you shouldn't hold off on marrying the woman you love just because she refuses to put on a parrot suit, smear your bald head with honey and birdseed, and squawk, “POLLY WANTS A CRACKER!” at the top of her lungs at the moment of orgasm every time you make love to her.

That…that is what “make me a grilled cheese sandwich” is supposed to mean, right?
posted by koeselitz at 5:48 PM on June 4, 2009 [14 favorites]


'Well as a matter of fact it's very runny, sir....I think it's runnier than you like it, sir...Yes, sir." (bends below counter and reappears) "Oh...The cat's eaten it."
posted by hal9k at 5:48 PM on June 4, 2009 [2 favorites]


The secret to a good grilled cheese sandwich is to get the pan super hot, first, then apply plenty of oil or butter. And some cooks prefer to trim the crusts off the bread.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 5:50 PM on June 4, 2009 [3 favorites]


Offtopic. Did anyone figure out what the fuck taters were?
posted by chunking express at 5:52 PM on June 4, 2009


netbros made this otherwise american cheese thread worth reading.
posted by HuronBob at 5:52 PM on June 4, 2009


If I'm lactose intolerant, does that make me a lesbian?
posted by olinerd at 5:55 PM on June 4, 2009 [7 favorites]


They had me at "Croque Monsieur".
posted by Rock Steady at 5:57 PM on June 4, 2009


I have no idea what this is about.
posted by Pronoiac at 5:57 PM on June 4, 2009


If he absotutely can't survive without grilled cheese...
posted by KokuRyu at 5:57 PM on June 4, 2009 [1 favorite]


This reminds me of Louis C.K. talking about how he hates the phrase "n-word."
posted by ALongDecember at 5:58 PM on June 4, 2009


If this is gonna be that kind of party, I'm gonna stick my dick in the mashed potatoes!

Wait, I'm doing this wrong.
posted by mazola at 5:58 PM on June 4, 2009 [5 favorites]


A lot of people (there) seem to be assuming that he won't go down on her. Geez, give the guy a little credit.
posted by Lemurrhea at 5:59 PM on June 4, 2009 [1 favorite]


How does she feel about tossing his salad?
posted by digsrus at 6:00 PM on June 4, 2009 [2 favorites]


Living without grilled cheese sandwiches is rough enough - living without hope of one? That's a special kind of despair.
posted by EatTheWeak at 6:02 PM on June 4, 2009 [3 favorites]


It's a known fact that men want a lady in the streets but a freak in the sheets.

Spoken like a true Cheese lover.
posted by Liquidwolf at 6:04 PM on June 4, 2009


Open faced club sandwichingus.

Call me old-fashioned, but I still prefer some burritolingus.
posted by Uppity Pigeon #2 at 6:05 PM on June 4, 2009 [4 favorites]


Seriously, though. Who is she protecting here?

Her job. The TimesCo are real dicks cheeseheads* about this, so she chose to approach it in a spirit of fun.

*Note: they censored the Flight of the Conchords song title "Too Many Dicks on the Dance Floor" and insisted that it run as "Too Many {Men} on the Dance Floor."
posted by Sidhedevil at 6:06 PM on June 4, 2009 [1 favorite]


sova: i swear that looks more like marlene dietrich than the virgin mary.
posted by msconduct at 6:10 PM on June 4, 2009


This casts a whole new light on the grilled cheese aspiration in Sims 2.
posted by jeoc at 6:12 PM on June 4, 2009 [7 favorites]


I don't get it. Why doesn't he make his own damn sandwhich?
posted by brundlefly at 6:12 PM on June 4, 2009


I don't get it. Why doesn't he make his own damn sandwich?

Flexibility issues?
posted by jeoc at 6:13 PM on June 4, 2009 [8 favorites]


What a croque.
posted by lysdexic at 6:13 PM on June 4, 2009 [1 favorite]


Oh, man, I love the commenters that Just Don't Get It. Either they can't figure out what a "Grilled Cheese Sandwich" is, or they apparently don't get the concept of euphemism at all.

This puts the Grilled Cheese Party we recently went to in a whole new light.
posted by Rock Steady at 6:14 PM on June 4, 2009


I'm just looking for a girl who can make grilled cheese sandwiches the way Mom used to.

What?
posted by Parasite Unseen at 6:17 PM on June 4, 2009 [52 favorites]


I used to make my own grilled cheese sandwiches, but my neck started to hurt too much.
posted by brevator at 6:22 PM on June 4, 2009


I love the woman who suggested he make it himself.

DON'T YOU THINK WE'VE TRIED?
posted by unSane at 6:23 PM on June 4, 2009 [14 favorites]


Maybe he should find her a recipe for plo chops.
posted by Frank Grimes at 6:26 PM on June 4, 2009 [1 favorite]


Maybe he could have a couple of ribs surgically removed and get a grilled cheese sandwich with a side of ribs?
posted by Effigy2000 at 6:29 PM on June 4, 2009


At least she wasn't refusing to do an In & Out Burger...

Double Double...

Animal Style...

with Fries Well Done...

No, honey, you can't get a Filet O'Fish here...

If we go to McDonalds again, I'm ordering the Angus Third Pounder.

And Jack in the Box has 2 Tacos for 99 cents.

Six Dollar Burger? Same as in town.

Holding out for Five Guys?

Okay, have it your way.
posted by wendell at 6:36 PM on June 4, 2009 [10 favorites]


Reading this, I had a sudden craving for a grilled cheese sandwich with a fried egg in the middle, a sandwich which I had once years ago and found dizzyingly good.

Luckily, Mrs. biscuit is an experimental girl, so I may give this a shot.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 6:37 PM on June 4, 2009


2 times in my life I have... well...

Made out with food.

1) It was probably the best weed I ever smoked. I thought it was laced with something. I happened to have a Hostess Ding-Dong (woah, could you get more phallic of a name?) and took a bite and said "I love this!" and then, for a moment there. Literally fell in love with a coup cake, and we totally french kissed, and it was messy and delightful.

2) A year or two later, I had this plum. And I took a bite into it, and it was so moist and juicy, and I pulled away to look at it, and it was this perfect luscious red, and the veins, oh the veins bursting deep dark red... I could swear I saw them writhing in ecstasy (no, t'was no worms, thank the lord)... But I should mention that, on this occasion, I was also high again.

And that my fellow mefites was my last erotic food experience. And as wonderful as they were, I hope that they shall remain.

Cuz that shit's just weird.
posted by symbioid at 6:38 PM on June 4, 2009 [12 favorites]


I like grilled cheese and I can-not lie!
you butter-eaters can't de-ny,
that when the cheese is hot
an' it's meltin' right
then you want to take a bite and get..

EUPHEMISTIC!
posted by flapjax at midnite at 6:39 PM on June 4, 2009 [19 favorites]


So just for fun I followed a tip from another commenter re: the differences between this letter and one before it. Here's the question and answer:
Q: My husband and I have been married for 17 years and we have four children.We met in college and married a few years later. For the most part, our marriage has been a happy one. But one aspect that has been lacking is grilled cheese sandwich. I don't mean sexual intimacy, but romantic grilled cheese sandwich. Is this something that women need or crave more than men? My husband is not the type to display his cooking skills (other than the grill), even when we are alone (i.e., wash my car, go on a drive with me, polish the silverware, gaze into the refrigerator, etc.) His own father is very similar in showing little emotion, so I'm sure some of it comes from growing up observing him. My husband doesn't plan the sandwiches-- I'm the one who has find the time, call a sitter, rent a movie, buy some wine, etc. I often find myself watching other couples out in public who look like they are totally enraptured with one another and wishing I felt that way more often, too. However, I often overlook this need of mine because my husband is an excellent father, helps around the house, has a steady job, and is a very social, likeable guy with many friends. I've tried to bring it up before, but it is difficult to tell your partner that you need them to make a grilled cheese sandwich. When I say something, he might make an effort with one or two small things, but then that's it. I try to do culinary things for him thinking that might show him what I want, but it doesn't seem to work. Any insights on this? Thank you.

A: CI, a question: When you plan these sandwich making dates, does he play along? Does he have a good time?
It sounds like the lack of romantic grilled cheese sandwiches in your marriage isn’t about the 17 years or the four kids. He’s just not a grilled cheese guy. I’m not scolding you for having needs, but I am saying that your expectations should remain in check. If your husband grew up in a no cooking/cleaning household and he's never been one for sandwich making, you can’t expect miracles now.

And I’m sure I don’t have to tell you this, but many of the couples you see – the ones who are “enraptured” – have other problems.

The best thing you can do is ask for what you want -- in moderation without being critical. I know you want your husband to be instinctually, proactively ready to make grilled cheese sandwiches, but it doesn’t always work that way. You might have to say, “Mind if we cook together?” or “Want to have dinner just you and I?”

Also consider that his idea of romance is different than yours. Maybe he doesn’t want wine. Maybe he’d prefer a night of beer and movies or mini-golf and ice cream.

If all else fails, please, have the honest talk. Tell him you feel lonely within the marriage and that you’d love to connect on a deeper level. Tell him that connection doesn’t have to come from gazing and spooning. He might be more open to the concept if it didn’t put him on the spot to plan a date night.

Readers? How can CI get the intimacy she needs? After 17 years, does date night do the trick? Share your thoughts here. Submit a letter to the right.
-- Meredith
The reader comments, needless to say, back Meredith.
posted by lysdexic at 6:41 PM on June 4, 2009 [1 favorite]


Here we have the makins for an excellent AskMe Greasemonkey script.
posted by l33tpolicywonk at 6:42 PM on June 4, 2009 [2 favorites]


FELLAS! Hurf?
FELLAS! Durf!

Has your girlfriend got the butter? hell yeah!
Tell her to coat that bread with it!
(Whole grain bread with an Emmenthaler)
And stick it in that frying pan!
posted by boo_radley at 6:46 PM on June 4, 2009 [5 favorites]


lysdexic, I certainly see the discrepancy you're talking about, and I think the guy in the other quesiton needs to learn to satisfy his wife's needs, and then to learn to love doing so, but the difference between the two situations is one of a 17-year-marriage with kids in the mix and a guy asking whether this should be a dealbreaker before getting married. One situation is a hell of a lot easier to get out of than the other.
posted by Navelgazer at 6:48 PM on June 4, 2009 [2 favorites]


Just so everyone knows, head cheese isn't really cheese. It's not for everyone.
posted by coldhotel at 6:49 PM on June 4, 2009 [2 favorites]


I always wondered why my husband is so incredibly particular about the grilled cheese recipe....I mean I love grilled cheese but I'll take it just about any way I can get it. with him its got to be this particular bread, that type of cheese, just so.....you learn something new every day!
posted by supermedusa at 6:56 PM on June 4, 2009


I disagree, Navelgazer. One is a sexual act, the other is a complete mode of behavior. Really, the husband is simply not attentive. It could be she hasn't asked in language he understands, but there's still a lot of difference between not holding hands, not showing appreciation, and not wanting to perform a single sexual act.

Sure, getting out of a 17-year marriage with kids is a lot more difficult than not marrying someone, but that doesn't mean she just has to suffer because she's made it this far.
posted by lysdexic at 6:56 PM on June 4, 2009


Am I the only one who started to read every instance of "grilled cheese sandwich" and its derivatives in a deadpan voice-over after a while?
posted by pyrex at 6:59 PM on June 4, 2009 [3 favorites]


I'm just looking for a girl who can make grilled cheese sandwiches the way Mom used to.

What?


Wow, I was going to post this same thing... I was even going to put "what?" at the end of it.
posted by Liquidwolf at 7:05 PM on June 4, 2009


sudo make me a sandwich
posted by mistersquid at 7:17 PM on June 4, 2009 [3 favorites]


Am I the only one weirded out by seeing Liz Lemon's totally unfunny parody catchphrase used as a real catchphrase? It's like a 30 Rock Klein bottle or something...
posted by sixswitch at 7:28 PM on June 4, 2009


The secret to a good grilled cheese sandwich is to get the pan super hot, first, then apply plenty of oil or butter. And some cooks prefer to trim the crusts off the bread.

FILTHY! Mods, are you really going to let this smut stand?
posted by Elsa at 7:29 PM on June 4, 2009 [1 favorite]


This is fun...

My girlfriend is a [coeliac] which means, of course, that she refuses to [eat wheat]. As a substitute for [wheat], she often uses [corn]. I, however, have a strong negative reaction to most commercially-produced [corn products]; in fact, I'm often physically ill after [consuming corn]. Despite this, we seem to have maintained a good healthy relationship for the last year - I respect her need to substitute [corn] for [wheat], while she graciously allows me to bring [wheat-based products] into her house and [consume] them in her [kitchen], as long as she doesn't have to be involved.

Recently, though, I have wished her to become more adventurous in the [kitchen] and, of course, that means doing things where [corn] cannot be easily substituted for [wheat]. I should add that, after several years spent living alone, I'm quite adept in the [kitchen] and naturally would like to share this with her - but her inability to enjoy [wheat], coupled with my aversion to [corn], seems to be coming between us. What am I to do?

- [Corn] and confused.
posted by Pinback at 7:30 PM on June 4, 2009 [2 favorites]


No euphemism here: I just fucking love to fuck cheese. Stick my goddamn dick in some cheddar and spurt like a volcano about to end the lives of primitive island villagers, cum flowing down the cheese mountain, rivers tearing apart families. My girlfriend asks if she can watch and I tell her "no" because it is a private ceremony, not unlike a religious union. Destroy the federal banking system there is nothign in the constitution that gives the state the right to charge a federal tax. RESIST-EMPOWER-FUCK CHEESE-TANCREDO 2012

Goddamnit it took a while to stop laughing and calm down enough to hit the little +.
posted by jimmythefish at 7:33 PM on June 4, 2009


Absence makes the heart grow fondue!
posted by nickyskye at 7:36 PM on June 4, 2009 [9 favorites]


My wife's grilled cheese sandwiches blow me away.
posted by Ron Thanagar at 7:38 PM on June 4, 2009 [1 favorite]


if she won't make him a grilled cheese sandwich, maybe he could experiment with a bit of vegemite instead.
posted by UbuRoivas at 7:44 PM on June 4, 2009


Some people find the plain-spoken Anglo-Saxon terms a bit crass, but you can soften the language and add an air of romance by murmuring "panini" or "croque monsieur" in her ear.
posted by Elsa at 7:50 PM on June 4, 2009 [1 favorite]


Wouldn't a mutual cheese grilling party, maybe with some nice white wine, like a Gewurztraminer or Sauvignon Blanc, solve this problem?
posted by blucevalo at 7:55 PM on June 4, 2009


I nearly died laughing when I learned the meaning of "red wings" from the Upright Citizens Brigade.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 8:00 PM on June 4, 2009


A year or two later, I had this plum.

I was saving that for later, you asshole.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 8:04 PM on June 4, 2009 [82 favorites]


euphemism> And just as I was getting a taste for grilled cheese with mayonaisse /euphemism>.
posted by Cold Lurkey at 8:11 PM on June 4, 2009


I wonder if she'd be amenable to cooking and eating together; she can make him a grilled cheese sandwich while he's making her a taco salad. But the key is gentle infrequent coaxing. If he keeps pressuring her she might relent and try to make him a grilled cheese sandwich but char it on purpose.
posted by Devils Slide at 8:18 PM on June 4, 2009


lysdexic - just so's we're clear, I agree with you, but then again, grilled cheese just isn't that important to me, whereas physical intimacy is. The only point I was making is that the two answers aren't necessarily hypocritical. If I imagine Dan Savage answering the two questions, the Grilled Cheese problem would've come out about the same way, and the romantic intimacy question would've probably ended up with "you've got kids, so why don't you try to explain your issues to him and get him to improve, and if he shows no effort to do so, DTMFA."
posted by Navelgazer at 8:23 PM on June 4, 2009


lysdexic, I see the discrepancy but I'm with Navelgazer. This guy is trying to do what that wife who wants more intimacy should have done -- look honestly at the gaps in their relationship and project forward, before marriage and kids make things sticky. 'Dump your fiancee" is very different than "dump your husband with whom you have four kids." I know, because I made the same mistake with my first marriage. (#2 is in July. And I'm pushing to work out issues even as it approaches.)

Also, realistically, it's a lot easier to change an unwillingness to cook one dish, than it is to fix not being able to express your emotions. That doesn't reduce his moral obligation to try -- he should be in therapy, I think -- but realistically it's a much bigger change, harder to achieve.
posted by msalt at 8:25 PM on June 4, 2009


Grilled soy cheese just isn't the same.
posted by hpliferaft at 8:45 PM on June 4, 2009


Jesus Christ America needs to grow up about sex.

Holy shit -- guys -- people are complicated!

Did you realize there is a JesusChristAmerica.com? Well, there is. I kind of wish there it was for a indie comic super hero, but it's not. Sorry.
posted by filthy light thief at 8:46 PM on June 4, 2009


I think it's a mean of her to welsh on this rare bit of fun.
posted by tellurian at 8:46 PM on June 4, 2009 [12 favorites]


Fuck Yeah Cilantro!
posted by gnash at 8:51 PM on June 4, 2009 [2 favorites]


My SO of over 2 years gives me grilled cheese sandwiches in Abondance. Funny how I don't gain any weight.
posted by vapidave at 9:05 PM on June 4, 2009


Fetalatio
posted by Burhanistan at 9:08 PM on June 4, 2009


Gorgonzola down
posted by Burhanistan at 9:09 PM on June 4, 2009


Provolone Necklace
posted by Burhanistan at 9:10 PM on June 4, 2009 [1 favorite]


It's my understanding that you have to remove the plastic from the individual cheese slices before putting them between the buttery bread and heating them up on the grill. Once the cheese has melted you can open the sandwich and put your cock in it.
posted by Smedleyman at 9:19 PM on June 4, 2009 [2 favorites]


Stinking Bishop cheese
posted by UbuRoivas at 9:23 PM on June 4, 2009


Sometimes with the above-mentioned SO will give me a taco to eat too, It's not my favorite but I eat it enthusiastically so I don't hurt her feelings. We tried taco salad once but hers tasted crappy so that is off the menu.
I cook up some cheese sandwiches for her too but she says she doesn't really like them except every now and then and anyway I don't do it right so instead nowadays she gets a taco with Longhorn and Pecorino which she likes so we are both happy.
posted by vapidave at 9:23 PM on June 4, 2009 [1 favorite]


It's been pretty much ingrained in me at this point that grilled cheese sandwiches pretty much end with marriage. This could be why I'm 30 and still single - I'm frightened to death of the idea of a life without grilled cheese. That's not any kind of a life I'd want to live.

Sure, there's something to be said for finding the right chef to make the perfect grilled cheese --- but I'll take 10 average grilled cheese sandwiches a year from amateur cooks over 1 amazingly-prepared chef's special grilled cheese that only gets served up once every 5 years.
posted by revmitcz at 9:39 PM on June 4, 2009


I heard Marilyn Manson had a couple ribs removed in order to make himself a grilled cheese sandwich.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 9:45 PM on June 4, 2009 [4 favorites]


Parasite Unseen: "41I'm just looking for a girl who can make grilled cheese sandwiches the way Mom used to."

I miss your mom's cooking too.
posted by iamkimiam at 9:45 PM on June 4, 2009 [12 favorites]


Grilled cheese sandwiches were always one of my favorites, even before I knew what they really were. In my vegetarian years they were a mainstay of my (largely vegetable-free) diet. Sometimes with tomatoes and alfalfa sprouts. Now do your magical euphemistic spin on those, folks! I can't wait! What exactly are we all ever talking about?
posted by emhutchinson at 10:02 PM on June 4, 2009


What if you like both ketchup *AND* mustard on your grilled cheese sandwich? Are condiments negotiable, or just petty?!
posted by markkraft at 10:10 PM on June 4, 2009


"My SO of over 2 years gives me grilled cheese sandwiches in Abondance."

If you have extra, it's only right to share.
posted by markkraft at 10:13 PM on June 4, 2009


There's nothing wrong with wanting ketchup and mustard on your grilled cheese sandwich, provided you're generous enough to garnish the plate with plenty of curly fries - and don't skimp on the jalapeño sauce.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 10:14 PM on June 4, 2009


"If we go to McDonalds again, I'm ordering the Angus Third Pounder."

I think it would be interesting to try the McGangbang, myself...

(Eupemistically speaking... I'm actually talking about sex.)
posted by markkraft at 10:19 PM on June 4, 2009


I'm kidding about Manson, of course. Here's what he had to say about that rumor:
If I really got my ribs removed, I would have been busy [making myself a grilled cheese sandwich] on the Wonder Years instead of chasing Winnie Cooper. Besides, I wouldn't have [made other people grilled cheese sandwiches] on stage, either. I would have been [making] my own. Plus, who really has time to be killing puppies when you can be [making yourself a grilled cheese sandwich]? I think I'm gonna call the surgeon in the morning.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 10:26 PM on June 4, 2009


2 GIRLS, 1 GRILL
posted by shadytrees at 10:37 PM on June 4, 2009 [2 favorites]


Christ, if she won't even make him a grilled cheese sandwich, I bet she never sucks his dick, either.
posted by Mikey-San at 10:47 PM on June 4, 2009 [15 favorites]


There's nothing like Richard's grilled cheese sandwich. "Big Dick's Cheese," he calls it. You should hear his radio jingle,
Big Dick's Cheese brings all the boys to the yard,
And they're like "It's better than yours"
Damn right, it's better than yours,
I can feed you, but I have to charge $2.99
$5.99 with fries and a soda
Whoomp there it is.
posted by five fresh fish at 10:49 PM on June 4, 2009


$5.99 with fries and a soda?

That's so much cheaper than in town!
posted by UbuRoivas at 10:53 PM on June 4, 2009 [1 favorite]


p.s. I'd say that 80% of my peers have seen the gas station that they bring their vehicle to, downsize from a full service facility to barely more than self service facility within 2 years of officially forming the partnership.

Whoa, I hope that's not how it usually works out. After twenty-odd years of preparing lunches, my wife and I remain full-service, though admittedly our menu is reduced to those foods we love to eat. Start out with one of several soups, almost always have a toasted panino and a taco, then a full-course main meal — several entrées exquisitely prepared at the table from the finest local ingredients. And of course, a full dessert tray and liqueurs.

Now of course we don't pig out like that every day. And when we do, we usually go for a walk around the neighbourhood to get the blood flowing, and then have a rousing evening of passionate sex to burn off the calories.

But oh, those grilled sandwiches with cheese! How I do love them!
posted by five fresh fish at 11:09 PM on June 4, 2009 [1 favorite]


You're spoiling the euphemism. Won't you think of the children?
posted by Burhanistan at 11:10 PM on June 4, 2009


If you have extra, it's only right to share.
posted by markkraft at 12:13 AM on June 5 [+] [!]


I dunno, she's a bit shy about either of us cooking for others, the one time I brought it up I was drunk and the next day we just kind of pretended I'd never asked the question.
It's kind of odd because she paid for college (long ago though) by working summers as a line cook.
Go figure huh?
posted by vapidave at 11:21 PM on June 4, 2009 [2 favorites]


I can only speak for myself here, Burhanistan, but I'd really rather not think of the children while having a grilled cheese sandwich.

I have heard that wearing a galoshes during dinner can help prevent having children interfere with future dinner preparations.
posted by five fresh fish at 11:23 PM on June 4, 2009 [1 favorite]


They see my grills, they be hatin'.
posted by five fresh fish at 11:26 PM on June 4, 2009


Won't you think of the children?

it's contrary to current nutritional advice to feed grilled cheese sandwiches to children.

no matter, though - they're happy enough with their tiny taters.
posted by UbuRoivas at 11:27 PM on June 4, 2009


Well, I don't know about you, but I feel pretty fucking good about myself right now. With my big, black, hot, greased up cast iron skillet, I can make TWO grilled cheese sandwiches at once!

And then suck a dude's dick! Fellatio!
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 11:58 PM on June 4, 2009 [3 favorites]


Great thread. I was only half-smirkingly amused until I hit this one, though.

She makes every other kind of food imaginable, even the kind you [eat in the park].
posted by rokusan at 12:38 AM on June 5, 2009


"My SO of over 2 years gives me grilled cheese sandwiches in Abondance."

Could you help me find this Abondance on Google Maps?

(I'm planning my next vacation.)
posted by rokusan at 12:39 AM on June 5, 2009 [1 favorite]


I think I want to flag UbuRoivas's comment. But I'm not sure which federal agency to call.
posted by rokusan at 12:40 AM on June 5, 2009


Ah, she probably just doesn't want crumbs in the bed.
posted by Elmore at 12:43 AM on June 5, 2009 [1 favorite]


Hot pepper jack.
posted by telstar at 12:48 AM on June 5, 2009


After 30 unsubtle replies, Linda sez:

"hmm maybe i am missing the point here and this isn't about "grilled cheese".. but why dont' you just make it your own d3mned self? compromise."

If the question had been "my gf won't suck my sausage until the cream comes out", Linda strikes me as the kind of woman who would have said "soory, you cant get cream from a sausage unless i've got the wrong end of the stick".
posted by imperium at 1:09 AM on June 5, 2009 [2 favorites]


Are we talkin' plain old american or swiss cheese on wonder bread, or some kind of fancy pants cave aged raw milk cheese that had to be smuggled into the state because of pasteurization laws with tomaters, basil, and crack cocaine on a slow rise sourdough loaf and then fried in truffle oil? Cause cunnilingus is okay, but BTK killer style three ways are right out, you know what I'm sayin'?
posted by BrotherCaine at 1:23 AM on June 5, 2009


Americans make a grilled cheese sandwich in a frying pan? WTF? Surely that would be a fried cheese sandwich, akin to Elvis' fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches.

The clue is in the name, a grilled cheese sandwich is cooked under a grill. THAT IS THE LAW.
posted by asok at 1:59 AM on June 5, 2009 [1 favorite]


Open faced club sandwichingus.

Call me old-fashioned, but I still prefer some burritolingus.


All this time I've been mispronouncing it as a tuna fish sandwich. I'm a nut.
posted by Mojojojo at 2:09 AM on June 5, 2009


Nobody here's going to dispute which is tastier: the fish taco or the grilled cheese, I hope. I mean, I'm not 100% in either camp, but I think grilled cheese has ay more going for it. Better mouthfeel, filling. Satisfying.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 2:14 AM on June 5, 2009


Why would you put something under a grill? You like ashes all over your sandwich? Mmm, mmm, ashes??? That's some kind of British nonfood, I fear...
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 2:23 AM on June 5, 2009


the English covet ashes so much because they so rarely get to have them - typically only around once every 12 years or so, on average.
posted by UbuRoivas at 2:56 AM on June 5, 2009 [6 favorites]


OMG I'M A WHITE AMERICAN WHO GOT A CRICKET REFERENCE
posted by ALongDecember at 3:03 AM on June 5, 2009 [3 favorites]


(Sigh. outside of America grill = broil. As well as grill)
posted by gaspode at 3:54 AM on June 5, 2009


In America, grilled cheese is made by buttering the hell out of the outside of the sandwich and pan-frying both sides (or sautéing if you want to get all French about it) until the cheese is melty and the bread browned. Generally if it's available in a restaurant it is on white bread with american or swiss cheese (yawn). More recently you find it buttered and grilled in a sandwich press, which is almost the same.

For me, it's not worth bothering unless there are tomatoes in the sandwich.
posted by BrotherCaine at 4:31 AM on June 5, 2009


Don't the tomatoes make the sandwich all soggy?
posted by RussHy at 4:37 AM on June 5, 2009


I actually know far more about grilled cheese sandwiches than I think you can imagine.
posted by bertrandom at 5:05 AM on June 5, 2009 [4 favorites]


msalt, Navelgazer - I can appreciate those differences. What struck me was that in both answers the consensus was that she was being inconsiderate, and that she "shouldn't" really have a problem with her man. Also, I should correct myself - this was mostly in the comments, not so much in Meredith's answers.

I don't feel like looking, but I'd be interested in seeing the answers if the sexes were reversed in the two situations.
posted by lysdexic at 5:13 AM on June 5, 2009


All things considered, tuna melts are pretty goddamn awesome.

As long as there's no celery, but I'm kind of unsure what euphemism to make of that.
posted by Spatch at 5:24 AM on June 5, 2009


And broil = fry?

I learned how to make a (literal, not metaphorical) grilled cheese sandwich from my grandfather. For this you need: light rye bread, butter, extra mature Tasmanian cheddar and a gas cooker with an eye level grill. No ash is involved in this recipe, sorry.

Cut two slices of bread and some cheese. Toast one on one side, take it off, flip it over and put your cheese onto the un-toasted side. Put it back under the grill, cheese side up, along with the other slice of bread. When the cheese-less toast is ready, take it out and butter the toasted side (liberally, as you are following the recipe of a WWII rationing survivor) and pop it on top of the cheese when the cheese is done to your satisfaction (you could add slices of tomato at this stage, which shouldn't cause the bread to go too soggy). When the final side of the bread is toasted it is ready to be consumed. Chop it in half diagonally.

The butter helps the fat from the cheese to penetrate the cheese-less piece of toast, resulting in a lot of umami action on the taste buds.

Alternatively, jaffles!
posted by asok at 5:38 AM on June 5, 2009


Americans make a grilled cheese sandwich in a frying pan? WTF?

Most Americans don't have a griddle in their kitchen and saying "griddled cheese sandwich" is just too much for most Americans to get their mouth around.
posted by Pollomacho at 6:31 AM on June 5, 2009


As long as there's no celery, but I'm kind of unsure what euphemism to make of that.

Well, you figure celery has all those stringy bits that get caught in your teeth, so.... Tuna melts in the past had more celery; nowadays, most tuna melts are completely celery-less.
posted by inigo2 at 6:36 AM on June 5, 2009


Hey, try not to eat any grilled cheese on your way through the parking lot!
posted by inigo2 at 6:38 AM on June 5, 2009 [4 favorites]


Don't the tomatoes make the sandwich all soggy?
The tomatoes go on top of the cheese, which insulates the bread from any sogginess. (The best grilled cheese sandwiches are open-face.)

No, I can't tell if I'm speaking euphemistically or literally either.
posted by ook at 6:51 AM on June 5, 2009


What if you like both ketchup *AND* mustard on your grilled cheese sandwich? Are condiments negotiable, or just petty?!

Do you consider the eating of ketchup to be moral and the eating of mustard to be immoral?
No, master.
Of course not. It is all a matter of taste, isn't it?
Yes, master.
And taste is not the same as appetite, and therefore not a question of morals.
It could be argued so, master.
My robe, Antoninus. My taste includes both ketchup AND mustard.

posted by Sidhedevil at 7:09 AM on June 5, 2009 [1 favorite]


If I have a foot fetish, does that mean I like grilled toe-cheese?


ew
posted by alona at 7:27 AM on June 5, 2009


Grilled cheese sandwiches are nice, but sometimes you just want a pb&bj.
posted by Burhanistan at 7:31 AM on June 5, 2009


I'm having a [McGriddle] right now. I know they're bad for me, they're kind of disgusting if you look at them too closely, and people probably feel sorry for me because I like them, but damnit, they're comforting and who are you to judge me?

and by [McGriddle] I think you know exactly what I mean
posted by Halloween Jack at 7:40 AM on June 5, 2009 [1 favorite]


Oh my god I'm hungry.

Who else is having grilled cheese for lunch today?
posted by desuetude at 7:44 AM on June 5, 2009


It's probably because his cheese is not cut.
posted by Zambrano at 8:01 AM on June 5, 2009


In our house, I broil the fish and Mr. Arkham makes the grilled cheese sandwiches. I'm not sure what that says about us.

(Also, for traditional comfort food and the required partner for tomato soup you have to use American cheese. But if you're going to get all yuppie, brie and tart green apples on pumpernickel is OMG so good.)
posted by JoanArkham at 8:14 AM on June 5, 2009 [1 favorite]


Because the cat is so often on the kitchen counter at my house, grilled cheese sandwiches will sometimes end up on the floor.
posted by xod at 8:35 AM on June 5, 2009


I actually know far more about grilled cheese sandwiches than I think you can imagine.

Yeah...and I hear your Mom's an expert at making them!
posted by ericb at 8:44 AM on June 5, 2009 [5 favorites]


Grilled cheese first thing in the morning is pretty sweet.
posted by five fresh fish at 8:44 AM on June 5, 2009


'Well as a matter of fact it's very runny, sir....I think it's runnier than you like it, sir...Yes, sir." (bends below counter and reappears) "Oh...The cat's eaten it."
posted by hal9k at 12:48 AM on June 5


"Has he?".

"She Sir".
posted by the_very_hungry_caterpillar at 10:19 AM on June 5, 2009 [1 favorite]


Oh my god I'm hungry.

Who else is having grilled cheese for lunch today?


Me! Grilled cheddar and provolone with perfectly ripe avocado and a drizzle of aged balsamic vinegar... because I'm kinky like that.

I don't usually talk dirty like this online. I just got carried away.
posted by Elsa at 10:23 AM on June 5, 2009 [2 favorites]


Why would you put something under a grill? You like ashes all over your sandwich? Mmm, mmm, ashes??? That's some kind of British nonfood, I fear...

In the Balkans, or in Bulgaria anyway, the "grill" can be either a big iron grate over smoldering charcoals, or one of these things (here's a look under the hood). They're really effective for all sorts of quick snacks, but I've never cooked a grilled cheese sandwich in one. Because come on. That's what the frying pan is for.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 10:25 AM on June 5, 2009


Hey, good lookin'
Whatcha got cookin'?
Howzabout cookin' something up
Howzabout cookin' something up
Howzabout cookin' something up
For meeeeee....
posted by five fresh fish at 10:32 AM on June 5, 2009


Dear Metafilter Forum,

I had the wildest dinner of my life last night! My girlfriend was out of town at a conference and I was sitting there with the biggest, sharpest block of Wisconsin cheddar you ever saw. I wanted a grilled cheese sandwich worse than I ever had in my life. But without her fresh-from-the-oven bread what was I gonna do? I was just about to eat the cheese by itself when there was a knock at the door! It was my neighbor Samantha, who has about the sweetest loaf of nine grain ever. Man, I had always wanted to lay some of my cheddar on that shit. So she says, "Hey, this is my friend Piper and . . . we're really hungry. You got anything we can snack on?" Piper had a pumpernickel that made me want to stuff a couple slices of corned beef in there! Then she says, "Wow! That's some block of cheddar you got there." I was embarrassed at first, then she says, "Mmm, I really, really feel like making a grilled cheese sandwich."

I invited them in and man did they know how to cook. I hadn't even closed the door and Samantha had already turned on the stove. And you know it's gas, 'cause I won't cook on an electric! Piper was running her hands all over Samantha's nine grain, cooing,
"Oooh, I bet that cheddar will melt all over this!" So I hauled out my Forschner bread knife and waved it at her, "You think this'll do the trick?" Samantha had the skillet hotter than it had ever been and I buttered all the slices. Now it was time for the cheddar! I put the sandwiches in the skillet slowly and just a little at first, just to tease them. Piper was like, "Oh! Come on, put it all in there baby!" I said, "Do you think it will fit? That's a lot of cheese, and only a 12" iron skillet!" So she took the sandwiches and just shoved them in there! Oh, they fit all right! She had made grilled cheese sandwiches before. Samantha kept pressing the sandwiches with her spatula, lightly at first, until couldn't take it anymore. "Go ahead, baby, really give it to 'em!" She leaned that spatula down on them hard until a little pre-cheese melted out the side. "Oh yeah! Oh yeah, they're ready baby. Here they come!"

I cut the sandwiches and when I pulled the halves apart, thick strings of melted cheddar got all over Samantha's cheeks and chin! It was a massive load of cheese. Piper moaned and cried, "Put some of that all over my Fuji apples!" I love cheese on apples, so I was happy to oblige. Later after the sandwiches were done I thought I was completely full. But then Piper said, "We're not leaving until you try some of our Mississippi mud pie!" So I had a glass of water to clear my palette and gave them a sly look and said, "Bon Appetite!"

-- Barrett Caulk
posted by barrett caulk at 10:33 AM on June 5, 2009 [22 favorites]


Dear Metafilter:

My next door neighbor almost never leaves the house. Guys show up with different kinds of bread at all hours of the day. I regularly overhear things like "Do you want me to butter both sides?" and "Pickles or no pickles?" when I'm taking out the trash. She doesn't seem to have a regular job.

Is my neighbor making grilled cheese sandwiches? If so, what can I do about it?

Signed,

Unclear on the concept and probably lactose-intolerant
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 10:55 AM on June 5, 2009 [1 favorite]


Dear Bon Appetit:

I never thought I'd be writing you a letter, but I was in my dorm room one day, and...

Signed,
Todd Lokken
posted by five fresh fish at 11:00 AM on June 5, 2009 [1 favorite]


Jesus Christ America needs to grow up about sex.

He won't, he already joined the Republican party. And with a name like that, he'll be the frontrunner for the presidential nomination just as soon as he's 35.
posted by LooseFilter at 11:19 AM on June 5, 2009 [1 favorite]


Grilled Cheese Sandwich Post!
posted by iamkimiam at 11:44 AM on June 5, 2009


It's important to make sure the cheese is properly aged.
posted by waraw at 11:48 AM on June 5, 2009 [1 favorite]


It's also important to wash your cheese before grilling it. Unless you're making a grilled Munster or Limburger sandwich. In which case, you shouldn't wash your cheese for at least a fortnight.
posted by five fresh fish at 12:24 PM on June 5, 2009


From the comments:

If you shred the cheese before you put it in between the bread, the sandwich will grill more in a more timely fashion.

I certainly hope the FBI has their eyes on this guy...
posted by lekvar at 12:25 PM on June 5, 2009


Is the grilled cheese better if its dipped in tomato soup first?

I make better grilled cheese if I'm using a bean to make soup at the same time.
posted by WeekendJen at 2:44 PM on June 5, 2009


Is the grilled cheese better if its dipped in tomato soup first?

Um...no.
posted by ericb at 3:17 PM on June 5, 2009


When you are having your second grilled cheese, do you wipe the cheese and grease from the first one off the plate, or just plonk it down there and let it get all sloppy?
posted by BrotherCaine at 5:23 PM on June 5, 2009


Wow, it's been two whole days?

Q: You like grilled cheese? You are a person who likes the grilled cheese sandwiches that we are currently cooking?
A: Yes! I am! I like grilled cheese SANDWICHES!
Q: You like making grilled cheese sandwiches! In fact, you are a person who likes making grilled cheese sandwiches as much as a short order cook likes making them!
A: YES I LIKE MAKING GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICHES AS IF IT WERE MY PROFESSION!! TELL ME MORE ABOUT IT!
Q: YOU ENJOY THIS THING YOU SEXY COOKER....
posted by lysdexic at 5:46 PM on June 5, 2009 [3 favorites]


You know, when it comes to how she likes to make the grilled cheese, and whether she serves on a clean or dirty plate, or whether she slices it diagonal or crosswise, I just... well, you know, I'm just not that picky. As long as I get a grilled cheese sandwich out of the deal, I'm pretty flexible.

Heck, back in my young days I could even make my own grilled cheese sandwich. Well, grilled sandwich in any case. I wasn't able to slice the cheese back in those days. A little too young for the sharp knife. But I could grill it!

There's probably a reason a boy's body becomes less flexible. It's a safety mechanism.
posted by five fresh fish at 5:46 PM on June 5, 2009


Whoa, iamkimiam: flickr allows pictures of grilled cheese sandwiches?
posted by Pronoiac at 6:47 PM on June 5, 2009


Am I the only one that is at loss to what exactly a "grilled cheese sandwich" is? It seems to refer to varying things depending on what part of the interneet you ash.
posted by ymgve at 7:42 AM on June 6, 2009


A grilled cheese sandwich is one or more slices of bread, grilled, with cheese, melted. There may be one or two slices, depending on whether the sandwich is open-faced or not. There may be condiments or additional cheese-and-bread compatible items, like slices of tomato.

So as you can see, there are indeed several variations. For instance, the open-faced grilled cheese with tomato, as I had yesterday. Usually, though, I use two slices of bread, forgo the vegetable, but use sweet mustard to "pep up" the sandwich. Back in my youth, I used to make lazy grilled cheese, by using the toaster to brown the bread and the microwave to melt the sandwich (sadly, it doesn't compare to real grilling.)

I guess the answer, then, is "Yes." It does vary depending on what part of the interneet you ash.

But I promise you, the first time you have a grilled cheese sandwich, you'll know what it is.
posted by five fresh fish at 9:13 AM on June 6, 2009 [1 favorite]


Surely the compromise is to put the grilled cheese sandwich in a baggie. So that, you know, spilling isn't an issue.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:48 PM on June 6, 2009


Or rather, more like putting rubber gloves on your hands before eating the sandwich. Which, you know, will taste just fine, but the "feel" of it won't be quite right.
posted by five fresh fish at 2:49 PM on June 6, 2009


Maybe he should take yoga and get real flexible so he can grill his own cheese.
posted by jcworth at 9:11 PM on June 6, 2009


I think it would be okay for him to eat out every once in a while.
posted by RockCorpse at 3:25 PM on June 7, 2009 [2 favorites]


Well my baby cooks her Eggplant
'Bout 19 different ways
Sometimes I just have it raw
With mayonnaise
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:39 PM on June 7, 2009 [2 favorites]


Pfft. See, most guys are silly enough to let their girlfriend make them grilled cheese sandwiches. What they don't get is, guys just make better grilled cheese sandwiches, since guys know how awesome grilled cheese sandwiches are, so they know the technique.

Go on, let me make you a sandwich—you won't regret it. And I promise I won't tell your girlfriend.
posted by koeselitz at 10:48 PM on June 7, 2009 [1 favorite]


So, does this mean that George Foreman Grill that 'moonMan purchased to facilitate the making of grilled cheese sandwiches is actually... a sex toy?
posted by grapefruitmoon at 4:44 PM on June 9, 2009


That's exactly what it means, and you should confront him about this at once. Preferably in a public place.
posted by Marisa Stole the Precious Thing at 4:46 PM on June 9, 2009 [1 favorite]


« Older June 4, 1974. Rangers at Indians. Ten Cent Beers....  |  Passion Pictures has just rele... Newer »


This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments